The Chimes at Midnight Shakespeare & Hathaway - Private Investigators


The Chimes at Midnight

Comedy drama about two private detectives. Frank and Lu encounter hapless care assistants and spirited geriatrics when investigating a death at a care home.


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Transcript


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-Emergency! She's dying! Emergency!

-ALARM RINGS

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Rapid heartbeat. We need to defibrillate.

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Who is? What are you talking about?

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Her. The other woman.

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There is no other woman.

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You've got this place all to yourself.

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You were having a bad dream.

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But it...it was so real.

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I had a bad dream once.

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I dreamt I was drowning in a sea of yogurt,

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and I'm actually lactose intolerant.

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Look. I know we've had a tough time recently, with all...the calamities.

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But, er, we can get through it. There's no need to panic.

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Oh, my God, it's a cockroach!

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THEY GROAN

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Hopefully that's the last one.

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-There was...there was something else.

-Oh, yes?

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There was a man, climbing up the wall, and then I heard him,

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stomp, stomp, stomping on the roof.

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Well, if he comes back, tell him to pop in.

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It gets ever so lonely on night shifts!

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Soozie, why don't you go and clean the sluice room?

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Yes, Mrs Pincott.

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-Goodnight, Mrs Bentley.

-Goodnight, dear.

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So, no more nonsense.

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There are no strange men.

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You are perfectly safe here. Night-night.

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CREAKING, WINDCHIMES JANGLE

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CLUNKING

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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SHE WHIMPERS

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All right, take it easy, cos this is a very old gate.

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-What, this one?

-Yes. Oh!

-Well, yes, we're fine.

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Right, stop here. Stop here.

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Stop here. Stop here!

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-So... Mr and Mrs...

-Pincott.

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Owain and Penelope.

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How can we help you?

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Have you ever heard of Shady Nook?

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-Yes,

-I

-have. That's, er, an old folks' home, isn't it?

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-Just down the road, by the butterfly farm.

-Mm. It's our old folks' home.

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-But I really don't know for how much longer. Read the list, Owain.

-Oh... Er...

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Er, three months ago, we had our first electrical failure.

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Lights flickering, but our electrician couldn't seem to fix it.

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Er, the following week,

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the fire alarm went off in the middle of the, erm...

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Any chance you could sum it up in a sentence?

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Look, basically, we've had floods and fire alarms,

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we've had anonymous complaints to social services,

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cockroaches in the kitchen, we've had thefts from the bedroom.

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And then, last week, it got REALLY nasty.

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Yep, it was our anniversary.

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25 years, we've been together.

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-Congratulations!

-Mm.

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Only, somebody sent me this.

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A sympathy card.

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I-I don't know who it was, but, as you can imagine,

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-it put quite a dampener on the day.

-Can I have that?

-Yeah.

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You're welcome to it.

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So, what do you think it is - some kind of industrial sabotage?

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Or a practical joke?

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If it's a joke, it's costing us thousands, as several residents

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-have chosen to leave.

-Well...

-If it's a joke, it's keeping me awake

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all night, as I wonder what they're plotting next. If it's a joke,

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well, then I'm screaming with laughter!

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I think we can really help you with this, can't we?

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We could, we could do some...

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-Um, we could do...

-..undercover...

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-BOTH: ..surveillance.

-Oh, you've got to be careful.

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I mean, it is a home,

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and some of our residents have a nervous disposition.

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It would need to be someone quite delicate.

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Would anyone care for some liquid refreshment? Earl Grey?

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Cafe au lait? Horlicks malted milk?

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Does anyone have the remote control, or shall we just sit here

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and die of boredom?

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Er, right, everyone!

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I've got someone I'd like you to meet.

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Is it Kim Kardashian?

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No, Mr Falstaff, it is not.

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-Ah, well, I'm not interested.

-This is, er, Ronan.

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He's a trainee care assistant,

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and I know you're going to make him very welcome.

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Welcome to God's waiting room.

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Hello! Hello!

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-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

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He's nice.

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Is there something wrong with your glasses, son?

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Och, no. Just a bit new. Still having to wear them in.

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-Sorry I'm late, everyone.

-You are. And I'll deduct it from your wages.

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Er, this is Ronan. Er, he'll be working alongside you.

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Oh. Hello.

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I've got cakes, everybody.

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Would you like one, Mr Woodham?

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Oh, not that one!

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That's for Mrs Pincott.

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It's got arsenic in it.

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So, may I tempt you to some passion fruit drizzle cake?

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Soozie, I do need to think about my girth.

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There's nothing wrong with having something to hold on to!

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THEY CHUCKLE

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Hello, son!

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Oh, you do need to do something about those glasses.

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Mr Pincott, why don't you lend him some of your toupee tape?

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Oh, very amusing, Mr Falstaff.

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-What are you doing here?

-I was just leaving.

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CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

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Hello! I'm Ronan.

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-I'm a care assistant.

-So?

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I was just wondering

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if I could put my prawn vol-au-vents in your fridge?

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I...will not allow YOUR lunchbox

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in my sterile area.

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Fair enough.

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I suppose you're quite meticulous about food hygiene.

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I'm incredibly busy.

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I've got 32 portions of soup to prepare, and...

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Who let that furry freak in here?!

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-Ronan!

-Furry little stink-bag!

-Mr Bull's made a mess

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of his colostomy bag. Will you help me sort it?

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KNIFE CLATTERS

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They make me do things that I am...really not designed to do.

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So, what have you found out?

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This is the chef.

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Ian McClurgy.

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Makes Gordon Ramsay look quite cuddly.

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I've not got any actual dirt on him,

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but he is behind on his food hygiene.

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Look. Only goes up to 2015.

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Ah. I've got a friend in Environmental Health

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-could look into that for us.

-Now, get ready to scream.

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-Aw!

-Really?

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Well, it's hardly a street rat from the sewers, is it, eh?

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Huh? More like a fluffy rodent from a pet shop.

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Which means somebody probably planted it there.

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Maybe the same someone who's been messing with the electrics.

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Speaking of electricity...

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Soozie Honeywell, care assistant.

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She's worked there six years.

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This morning, she popped into Mr Pincott's office,

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and THIS happened... # Dun, dun, durrr! #

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What is it? A torrid affair or some kind of complicated

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-medical procedure?

-Well, it was hard to tell.

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We were interrupted by another resident.

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So, all these things that are going wrong...

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Is someone trying to get at Shady Nook, or have they

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got it in for Mrs Pincott - possibly because they want her husband?

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-Right, everyone.

-SHE CLAPS HER HANDS

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Can I have your attention, please?

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I've a very unpleasant announcement to make.

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In the small hours of this morning, someone -

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and you know who you are -

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did something truly unspeakable on the stairlift.

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It was not an accident.

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The individual pieces had been arranged to make a smiley face.

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But I am not smiling.

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So...who did it?

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Which of you is responsible for giving me six months

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of sleepless nights, and turning my fingernails into bloody stumps?

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Was it the cat?

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Very funny, Mr Falstaff.

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No, it isn't! Our business is being destroyed - it's not funny.

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I had a pearl necklace stolen from my room. That's not funny.

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But you...are so keen on being Mr Nice Guy,

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that you end up being Mr Useless Waste of Space.

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You can't let her speak to you like that.

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Do you know, I did hear someone creeping about.

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It was just like last week, when I heard 'em climbing on the roof.

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We've been through that, Mrs Bentley. It was just a bad dream.

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Well, I'm not surprised people are hearing things.

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The Pincotts run this place like a prison camp.

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OK, well, I know things have been a bit weird recently,

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but, just like the stairlift, we can rise above it.

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So let's just all put on a big smiley face.

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CHUCKLING

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Are you not eating, Mrs Bentley?

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I thought I'd just push it round the plate and hope it evaporates.

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I know how you feel. It's been a funny few days.

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You can't possibly know how I feel.

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Oh, nice of you to try.

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What is this muck?

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Omelette!

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It says on the menu, "quiche".

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-Well, things change.

-Is there an alternative?

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Starvation.

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Are you any nearer to knowing who's behind this?

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We do have some theories.

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Well, PLEASE find out soon.

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-My wife is impossible to live with.

-Yes, where is she?

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-I was hoping to...

-Was that an asteroid? Are we being invaded?

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Penelope?

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Penelope!

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So, do you...do you think she fell, or...?

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I think she was pushed. See the wound on the side of her head?

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-Yeah.

-Shouldn't be able to see that.

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Any impact wound would be on the underside of the body.

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Now, I think she was attacked first, pushed later.

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-So possibly the biggest mystery here is...

-Yes?

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..how did you get here before me?

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Er, this woman was our client.

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She thought that someone was trying to destroy her business.

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Oh, except they destroyed her.

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-Any idea who was behind the sabotage?

-We're working on it.

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Well, the thing is, everyone who lives and works here has got

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a cast-iron alibi. They were behind that glass, eating omelettes.

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-I think I'm going to check the roof.

-I really don't think so.

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Hello. I just wondered if anyone wants any tea, or coffee, or...

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Er, actually, could you help me with something?

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I've never been up here before. I didn't even know we had a roof.

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I mean, obviously I knew there had to be something on top -

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I just didn't think you could go on it.

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Don't go so far, please.

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So, erm, could anyone have got up here?

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I suppose they could.

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Not the ones with Zimmer frames, obviously.

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And when did you last see Mrs Pincott?

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Half an hour ago. She fell off the roof.

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I'm aware of that.

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When did you last see her alive?

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Oh, this morning. She had a big meeting

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about everything that's going on around here.

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So, would you say anyone had a grudge against her?

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Why are you saying that? Do you think she was...?

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Murdered?

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No!

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-I'm afraid it does look that way.

-But who would, you know?

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Well, possibly the same person who's behind the sabotage -

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maybe your wife found out and threatened to take action.

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How could they? We were all inside, having lunch.

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That's what's puzzling me.

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But if they can get away with it for three months

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without being detected...

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We're going to do everything we can to find out who did this.

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Well, surely it's a matter for the police now?

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Well, your wife paid us for a week of surveillance.

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And we can work in ways that the police can't.

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I see.

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Fair enough.

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Frank...?

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Oh, this doesn't sound good.

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-You know I put in that hidden camera?

-Yes?

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-Someone else has hidden it.

-PHONE RINGS

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Hello?

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You only had one job to do!

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-Yes, speaking.

-Rubbish! I've had to do bed baths and bed pans.

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It'll be a long time before I feel clean again.

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-Really?

-So, who do you think took it?

-I don't know for sure.

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-I see.

-But like Quasimodo, I have a hunch.

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Well, thanks. No, that's great. Bye, Gavin, bye.

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-Who was that?

-Gavin.

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-Did you hear him?

-Yeah, he'll find them.

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I've just found out something really interesting.

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Whoever's behind this sabotage must have a cupboard full of tricks.

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Circuit breakers, live rodents...

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Do you have a warrant to do that?

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Well, we can certainly get one.

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I thought you needed evidence of wrongdoing.

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Yeah, well, well, there's certainly been plenty

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of...of evidence of wrongdoing in this kitchen.

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Eight months ago,

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-three residents were admitted to hospital with listeria.

-I know.

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They nearly died. Which is why they got rid of that chef and hired me.

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-What?

-I've only been here for six months.

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How are you settling in?

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Well, there's been a lot of weird things going on.

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The last few months have been a nightmare.

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But it's got nothing to do with me.

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-Sorry.

-Yes. Fine.

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Is there anything else you want to frame me for?

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Oh, I know - maybe I'm Lord Lucan!

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Room service? Hello?

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Hi-yah! Ho!

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Hi-yah! Hee!

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Right there, son.

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Now, don't move or it could get very bloody, buddy.

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Now, then, what's your game?

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I suppose I waver between Scrabble and gin rummy.

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Are you trying to be funny, sonny?

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Are you trying to tickle my ribs?

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Do you see yourself as a reincarnation of Arthur Askey?

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I just came in here to dust your drawers.

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Why are you so interested in my drawers?

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-Well...

-I was in the Army, you know.

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Six months in the jungle, alongside the Gurkhas.

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Very good workers, the Gurkhas.

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They can bring a man to submission using only one finger.

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OK! OK, OK, OK, OK!

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I'm a detective! Oh, just don't tell anyone, please!

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Oh, so you're a dick, are you? I might have known.

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Sorry for bothering you.

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What's this?

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I found it in a Christmas cracker.

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Hmm...

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And this?

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And this? And this?

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So it turns out one of our residents,

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Mr Falstaff, is a kleptomaniac.

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But wait till you see the footage.

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Naughty Mr Falstaff.

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Here come the rezzies, for their din-dins.

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And here comes the dynamite.

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You have no right to talk to me like that!

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-What about my rights? My right to a peaceful life?

-You want

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a peaceful life? OK, then. Goodbye. I'm leaving you.

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Do you really think it's that easy?!

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Just you try, I will break you.

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Any job you go for, I will spread the vilest of rumours about you.

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Any relationship, I'll find a way to make your lives hell.

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You are nothing without me.

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You are a pathetic, worthless little man.

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Well, there you are. A clear and compelling motive for murder.

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Well done.

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Mr Pincott.

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Widower. Possibly adulterer. Maybe murderer.

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Or, is it his bit on the side? The lovely Soozie?

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Well, if she and Mr P are a pair,

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she does get to be Queen of Shady Nook.

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Then there's the chef.

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Who, according to his CV, used to be in the Army.

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Maybe he learnt some brilliant technique on, er,

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I don't know, how to murder someone whilst serving an omelette?

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Yeah, how could any of them have pushed her off the roof

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if they were all downstairs? There must be someone else.

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But Marlowe checked the CCTV.

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Nobody entered or left the building six hours prior to her death.

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What about Mr Falstaff?

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We know he's a thief, but is he a saboteur who got caught in the act?

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Well, that's up to you to find out.

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I don't know if I want to go back there.

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I know he's old, but he's surprisingly vigorous.

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-Are you OK, Mrs Bentley?

-Yes, I'm fine.

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I'll be fine, I'll be fine.

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It's been a shock for all of us.

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Whatever disagreements I had with Mrs Pincott,

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no-one deserves to go like that.

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-I used to be a nurse, you know.

-Yes, I know.

0:18:400:18:44

And you're always haunted by the thought that you could have

0:18:440:18:47

done better for people,

0:18:470:18:48

that you could at least have made their last moments a bit more

0:18:480:18:52

-comfortable.

-I know you. You have a heart as big as a mountain.

0:18:520:18:55

And there's nothing more anybody could have...

0:18:550:18:58

-Hello.

-Yes?

0:18:580:19:00

Er, any sign of Mr Falstaff?

0:19:000:19:02

I think he went into the garden.

0:19:020:19:06

Thank you.

0:19:060:19:07

I better get some tea.

0:19:080:19:11

I think the police might want to talk to us.

0:19:110:19:13

Oh, dear.

0:19:160:19:18

Oh, dear. Oh...

0:19:180:19:21

Oh!

0:19:210:19:22

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:19:220:19:23

-Hello?

-Hello.

0:19:250:19:29

-Could I have a word?

-Please.

0:19:290:19:31

Er, I've said everything I know, but, erm...

0:19:310:19:34

I could really do with a coffee.

0:19:350:19:37

And if you don't mind my saying so, it looks like you could too.

0:19:370:19:40

Oh, well, we can go to the dining room.

0:19:400:19:45

Great.

0:19:450:19:46

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

0:20:270:20:30

The person you called is not available.

0:20:420:20:45

Please leave your message after the tone.

0:20:450:20:47

Hello, son? It's me again.

0:20:470:20:51

Look, when you hear this, please call me this time?

0:20:530:20:56

I know we said that I should stick it out a bit longer...

0:20:580:21:02

Well, I have stuck it out - when we were flooded and overcome with rats.

0:21:020:21:07

And now, we've got a murderer in the house.

0:21:070:21:12

They've already killed Mrs Pincott

0:21:150:21:17

and I have a feeling it's going to be me next on the list.

0:21:170:21:21

You wouldn't want that on your conscience.

0:21:220:21:25

Would you? Please.

0:21:250:21:27

Please, son.

0:21:270:21:30

Call me.

0:21:300:21:32

I can't believe she's dead.

0:21:350:21:38

I never knew anyone quite so...alive.

0:21:390:21:43

I know this must be incredibly difficult for you, but we are

0:21:430:21:47

going to have to build a clear picture of your wife's last moments.

0:21:470:21:51

I see.

0:21:510:21:53

Is it right that she was a smoker?

0:21:530:21:55

Yeah, well, only one a day.

0:21:550:21:57

She'd go out, just before lunch,

0:21:570:21:59

round the back where no-one could see her.

0:21:590:22:02

And, erm, do you remember the last conversation that you had

0:22:020:22:05

with your wife today?

0:22:050:22:07

Well, I, er...

0:22:090:22:10

Don't you have a recording of it?

0:22:120:22:14

Yeah, Sebastian accidentally wiped it.

0:22:140:22:17

Oh...

0:22:170:22:20

Oh, I-I think I just said we'd get through this.

0:22:200:22:24

Together.

0:22:240:22:26

And I told her that I loved her.

0:22:260:22:28

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:22:530:22:56

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:23:040:23:06

Hello!

0:23:060:23:08

-YOU'RE not Mr Pincott.

-That's very perceptive of you.

-Where is he?

0:23:080:23:13

Mrs Bentley?! Well, how could she have gone missing?

0:23:130:23:16

Well, she is one of our more active ones.

0:23:160:23:19

When she gets on her mobility scooter, she's like Lewis Hamilton.

0:23:190:23:22

Did she say where she was going?

0:23:220:23:23

Apparently, she told Mr Woodham she was going to find some peas.

0:23:230:23:26

Find some peas? Well, we've got a kitchen full of the bloody things.

0:23:260:23:30

This Mr Woodham... Is he hard of hearing?

0:23:300:23:32

-He is a bit.

-Could she have said she wanted to find some PEACE?

0:23:320:23:35

Ah, that makes sense.

0:23:350:23:37

Does Mrs Bentley have a church she goes to?

0:23:370:23:40

I'm, er, guessing she probably came this way.

0:23:410:23:44

-How do you know?

-A few telltale signs.

0:23:440:23:46

Look.

0:23:480:23:50

Excuse me! Excuse me!

0:23:500:23:54

Hello! You go that way, I'll go round the back!

0:23:540:23:56

Go on. Yeah.

0:23:560:23:58

No. Go, go, go! Yeah.

0:23:580:24:00

Go on!

0:24:020:24:04

Agh! Agh!

0:24:130:24:16

Agh! Agh!

0:24:240:24:27

Who are you? What do you want?

0:24:270:24:30

My name's Frank Hathaway. I'm a private investigator.

0:24:300:24:32

I was just wondering why you came here.

0:24:320:24:34

Everyone's worried sick about you.

0:24:340:24:36

I came here to...to make my peace...

0:24:360:24:40

..with Him.

0:24:400:24:42

Is there a reason you have to make your peace with...Him?

0:24:430:24:47

It was me. I brought death to Shady Nook.

0:24:480:24:51

What, you actually pushed Mrs Pincott off the roof?

0:24:510:24:54

No, but I made it happen. I invited her here.

0:24:540:24:58

Me and my big mouth.

0:24:580:24:59

-Who are you talking about?

-She killed Mrs Pincott.

0:25:000:25:04

And she'll kill us all.

0:25:040:25:06

She wants her revenge.

0:25:060:25:08

Who does?

0:25:080:25:10

Janet. Janet Jeffson.

0:25:100:25:13

Hello!

0:25:130:25:15

Agh! Argh!

0:25:150:25:17

No, she's... She's not, she's not, she's...

0:25:170:25:20

-Janet Jeffson?

-That's what she said.

0:25:270:25:29

Doesn't ring any bells.

0:25:290:25:30

She was saying, "Janet did it, Janet's going to kill everyone."

0:25:300:25:33

-And then she had her accident.

-Was she compos mentis?

0:25:330:25:36

It's hard to say - she was scared out of her wits.

0:25:360:25:39

There must be SOMEBODY called Jeffson connected with this place.

0:25:390:25:42

Tell you what, we'll talk to Mr Pincott,

0:25:420:25:45

-why don't you run the name through the PNC?

-Fine.

0:25:450:25:47

Any other little jobs you'd like me to do?

0:25:470:25:49

Er, did you find anything on the roof?

0:25:490:25:51

Our forensics are looking in to it, thanks.

0:25:510:25:54

Well, we've never had anyone here called Jeffson I can think of.

0:25:570:26:01

Perhaps she was just confused, then.

0:26:010:26:03

Perhaps.

0:26:030:26:05

Regarding your wife's murder, there is

0:26:050:26:08

one line of inquiry we need to pursue.

0:26:080:26:10

Oh, yes?

0:26:100:26:11

What if the murderer killed your wife in order to get close to you?

0:26:110:26:15

Sorry, er, why?

0:26:150:26:17

Well, supposing somebody had feelings for you -

0:26:180:26:22

romantic feelings.

0:26:220:26:24

Oh, that's ridiculous.

0:26:260:26:28

I know I'm no Tom Cruise.

0:26:280:26:30

-It's a long time since

-I

-made anyone weak at the knees.

0:26:300:26:34

Well, then...

0:26:360:26:37

Yes, erm, we'll, er, continue with our enquiries.

0:26:390:26:43

-Fine.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

0:26:430:26:45

And I'm really sorry if we said anything upsetting at all.

0:26:450:26:49

No, no. You're just doing your job.

0:26:490:26:51

Thank you.

0:26:550:26:57

So there are three Valentine's cards,

0:26:590:27:00

so it's been going on for some time.

0:27:000:27:02

Oh! And it's the same writing there as the condolence card.

0:27:020:27:06

-Really?!

-Yeah.

0:27:060:27:07

It's got the same slanty Ls and then the Ts that aren't quite crossed.

0:27:070:27:12

-Ah, yeah.

-Yeah.

-So Mr P has a psychotic secret admirer.

0:27:120:27:15

Only question is, are they working together?

0:27:150:27:18

PHONE RINGS

0:27:180:27:20

Oh. Sebastian!

0:27:200:27:23

I know who killed Mrs Pincott.

0:27:230:27:25

Go on.

0:27:250:27:27

It was Mr Falstaff. He's behind the sabotage and everything.

0:27:270:27:30

He's doing it so his son will come and rescue him.

0:27:300:27:32

Wow! That's a really interesting theory.

0:27:320:27:34

-Completely wrong, but...

-No, I promise you, it's...

0:27:340:27:37

-Oh, got to go! MR PINCOTT:

-I need to talk to you.

0:27:370:27:40

No, somewhere we won't be observed.

0:27:400:27:43

OK, then, the butterfly farm.

0:27:440:27:47

About ten minutes.

0:27:470:27:49

Oh, here he is!

0:27:530:27:55

Right, let's pump up the volume.

0:27:550:27:58

Oh! He's not wearing the jacket!

0:28:020:28:04

-What?

-Well, I suppose it is a climate-controlled,

0:28:040:28:07

subtropical environment, isn't it?

0:28:070:28:09

Oh, thank you, David Attenborough!

0:28:090:28:12

Stay there. I'm going in.

0:28:120:28:14

Hello!

0:28:370:28:39

Oh, Soozie!

0:28:390:28:41

-Well I...I'm glad you came.

-Oh, of course I came!

0:28:410:28:44

You know I'll always bend over backwards for you, Mr Pincott.

0:28:440:28:47

Oh, well, this is

0:28:470:28:51

all a bit...er, hard.

0:28:510:28:53

I have some rather awkward questions to ask you.

0:28:540:28:58

Well, fire away.

0:28:580:29:01

There is literally no part of me that's off limits.

0:29:010:29:04

Well...

0:29:040:29:06

For the past three years, I've been receiving Valentine's cards.

0:29:060:29:09

-Have you?

-I've always thought, "Oh, how sweet, that's nice!"

0:29:090:29:12

But now I need to know...

0:29:120:29:14

..did you send them to me?

0:29:160:29:18

I might have done.

0:29:180:29:21

Of course, I was always very discreet.

0:29:210:29:24

No-one could call me a marriage wrecker.

0:29:240:29:26

But now, well,

0:29:260:29:29

there's nothing left to wreck, is there?

0:29:290:29:32

Soozie, w-what are you saying?

0:29:320:29:35

What I'm saying is, your wife is dead.

0:29:350:29:40

She's in a box.

0:29:400:29:43

And now it's time for you to think outside the box.

0:29:430:29:46

Mr Falstaff!

0:30:050:30:07

Oh, hello there, son! You on some secret mission?

0:30:070:30:10

I'm just here to check on the jams and preserves.

0:30:100:30:14

And, of course, the sugar bowl.

0:30:140:30:17

-Sugar bowl?

-Hmm.

0:30:170:30:19

Not everyone likes these wriggly little beasties

0:30:190:30:22

squirming in their cornflakes.

0:30:220:30:23

-How did you...?

-I'm very perceptive.

0:30:230:30:26

You've been behind a whole load of the horrors here.

0:30:320:30:35

Blood-sucking bugs in the bedroom.

0:30:350:30:37

That sinister smile on the stairlift.

0:30:380:30:40

So what if I have? What are you going to do about it?

0:30:400:30:43

Not a whole lot I CAN do.

0:30:430:30:45

Especially when you're trying to bring this place to its knees,

0:30:450:30:48

so you'll be thrown out on the street, and then, perhaps,

0:30:480:30:52

your son will come and rescue you.

0:30:520:30:54

And, you know, you've got style.

0:30:560:31:00

A little scatological, but it's hard not to be impressed.

0:31:000:31:03

Thank you very much.

0:31:030:31:05

But what you did to Mrs Pincott...

0:31:050:31:08

What exactly happened? Did she catch you in the act?

0:31:080:31:12

I can't believe you think that...

0:31:120:31:14

I've often wished to wipe the smile off her face,

0:31:140:31:17

but I didn't make her go splat-io on the patio.

0:31:170:31:21

-Really?

-Well, I couldn't! I was having lunch.

0:31:230:31:25

Fair dos.

0:31:270:31:28

I'm really rather hurt that you think like that.

0:31:280:31:31

I'm no angel, but I'm not Norman Bates.

0:31:320:31:35

All right, I did play around a bit because I wanted

0:31:360:31:40

to close the place down so that my son would come and fetch me.

0:31:400:31:45

I know it's wrong, but...

0:31:460:31:49

..I do get awfully lonely.

0:31:510:31:53

Please, Mr Pincott.

0:31:570:31:59

I've had six years of watching your wife torture you,

0:31:590:32:02

like a cruel child pulling the wings off a tragic insect!

0:32:020:32:06

But now we're here in the butterfly house.

0:32:060:32:09

And maybe, from the cocoon of your grief, you'll learn to fly away.

0:32:090:32:13

Into the sunset.

0:32:130:32:15

-With me!

-I don't want to fly with you.

0:32:150:32:17

-What?!

-Soozie, did you murder my wife?

0:32:170:32:20

No!

0:32:200:32:22

Though I may have sent her the odd abusive card.

0:32:220:32:25

Sorry.

0:32:250:32:27

-HE GRUMBLES

-Oh, Soozie,

0:32:270:32:29

will you just leave me alone?

0:32:290:32:30

I thought I paid you to solve my wife's murder, not to spy on me.

0:32:350:32:40

Er, well, actually, your wife paid us

0:32:400:32:42

to find out the truth

0:32:420:32:43

and you haven't been entirely honest with us.

0:32:430:32:45

-What do you mean?

-Well, you told me that the last thing you said

0:32:450:32:48

to your wife was, "We'll get through this, I love you,"

0:32:480:32:50

when actually, what you said was, "Goodbye, I'm leaving you."

0:32:500:32:53

OK, I know I said it.

0:32:530:32:54

-Well... And?

-Well, when you've been married 25 years,

0:32:550:32:58

you say that sort of thing all the time.

0:32:580:33:00

It won't be like that for us, though.

0:33:000:33:02

Every day will be like birthdays and Christmas time put together.

0:33:020:33:05

Shut up, Soozie.

0:33:050:33:06

I've just been on the phone to DI Marlowe.

0:33:060:33:09

She's exposed a few more lies.

0:33:090:33:11

According to your own records, you did have a resident called Jeffson.

0:33:110:33:14

Ellena Jeffson.

0:33:140:33:15

I remember.

0:33:180:33:20

She was a very confused woman.

0:33:200:33:23

Lived a... Lived in her own little dream world.

0:33:230:33:25

Until a year ago, when she died of a cardiac arrest.

0:33:250:33:28

And your wife was murdered on the first anniversary of her death.

0:33:280:33:32

Did you know that?

0:33:320:33:33

You must have realised that the two things were connected.

0:33:330:33:36

Well, to tell you the truth,

0:33:360:33:37

I've always been haunted by what happened.

0:33:370:33:40

Ellena could be difficult and, er, cantankerous

0:33:400:33:43

and she had hallucinations.

0:33:430:33:44

And once I got so fed up with her pushing the alarm

0:33:440:33:47

to complain about giant spiders, I...just...

0:33:470:33:51

turned the thing off.

0:33:510:33:53

-What?!

-An hour later, she had a heart attack.

0:33:530:33:57

Was there an investigation?

0:33:570:33:59

A couple of residents asked some questions.

0:33:590:34:00

But my wife...

0:34:000:34:03

decided to save the day.

0:34:030:34:04

She said there must have been a problem with the alarm

0:34:050:34:07

and that she was sorry for not checking...

0:34:070:34:10

but it wouldn't happen again.

0:34:100:34:12

So you committed an act of gross negligence

0:34:120:34:15

and your wife took the blame and covered it up.

0:34:150:34:18

And then exactly a year later, someone took her life.

0:34:180:34:20

Was there anyone who was particularly close

0:34:220:34:25

to this Ellena Jeffson?

0:34:250:34:27

OK, so I haven't found the murderer,

0:34:310:34:33

but I have solved the mystery of the soiled stairlift.

0:34:330:34:35

Oh, well, you've got to start somewhere, haven't you?

0:34:350:34:38

Is Marlowe still around?

0:34:380:34:39

She went back to the station.

0:34:390:34:41

Oh, great! I can go on the roof.

0:34:410:34:42

Er, hang on! We do have a suspect to talk to, you know.

0:34:420:34:44

You talk to them.

0:34:440:34:45

I need to find out how she fell.

0:34:450:34:47

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:34:490:34:53

-Who are you?!

-It's OK.

0:34:530:34:55

I'm with Frank. I'm investigating the murder.

0:34:550:34:58

Well, I didn't do it.

0:34:580:35:00

Huh! How could I?

0:35:000:35:01

I just wanted to talk to you about your old roommate.

0:35:020:35:06

The woman that lived with you just over a year ago.

0:35:060:35:08

Is it Ellena Jeffson?

0:35:080:35:09

She was a lost soul, really.

0:35:190:35:21

Didn't know who she was, or where she was,

0:35:210:35:24

but, well, it was nice having someone in the room with me,

0:35:240:35:29

and when I was in bed,

0:35:290:35:31

I could listen to her breathing.

0:35:310:35:33

Until one night...

0:35:360:35:38

Yes.

0:35:390:35:40

It was a cardiac arrest.

0:35:400:35:42

I pressed the buzzer, no-one came.

0:35:430:35:45

I screamed, no-one...no-one heard me

0:35:470:35:49

and then...

0:35:490:35:51

by the time I got help,

0:35:510:35:54

it was too late to save her.

0:35:540:35:56

And you blamed Mrs Pincott.

0:35:570:35:59

Well, she was in charge.

0:35:590:36:00

It's a difficult job, but, oh, I was...

0:36:000:36:04

I was very angry.

0:36:040:36:05

Of course you were.

0:36:050:36:06

Did you do anything about it?

0:36:090:36:11

Right, Sebastian.

0:36:120:36:14

What do you see?

0:36:140:36:15

The roof...

0:36:150:36:17

the sky.

0:36:170:36:19

And on the wall in front of you?

0:36:200:36:22

Erm...

0:36:220:36:24

Some indentations, maybe?

0:36:240:36:27

-SEBASTIAN CLICKS TONGUE

-Yeah.

0:36:270:36:29

Ah. Hmm.

0:36:310:36:33

What's done that, then?

0:36:360:36:37

HE PUFFS

0:36:440:36:46

Sorry, what are you doing?

0:37:060:37:08

I'm building a killing machine.

0:37:080:37:10

When they took her body away, I went through her belongings.

0:37:100:37:16

I found this big bundle of letters.

0:37:160:37:18

It seems that she had a daughter, overseas.

0:37:200:37:23

So I wrote to the daughter and I told her everything.

0:37:240:37:28

And that was Janet Jeffson?

0:37:290:37:32

Oh, her name was Jan.

0:37:320:37:33

I don't know about the Jeffson.

0:37:330:37:35

I think Ellena had remarried.

0:37:350:37:38

Do you remember the address?

0:37:390:37:41

Er, one minute.

0:37:410:37:43

There's only one thing we need now.

0:37:460:37:47

-What?

-Gravity.

0:37:470:37:49

Goodbye, cruel world.

0:37:540:37:56

There we are.

0:38:210:38:22

"Arkshire Regiment".

0:38:290:38:30

This is the woman that you've been writing to?

0:38:390:38:43

Yes.

0:38:430:38:44

Yes, it is.

0:38:440:38:46

-PHONE RINGS Hello?

-I've just found our murderer.

0:38:490:38:51

Yeah, and we've just found the method.

0:38:510:38:53

Oh, no.

0:38:560:38:58

Hi.

0:39:050:39:07

Ian McClurgy?

0:39:070:39:09

Hello.

0:39:090:39:11

We've got something that belongs to you.

0:39:110:39:14

It's the letters to your mum

0:39:140:39:16

from when you were in Helmand Province.

0:39:160:39:18

She kept every one.

0:39:180:39:20

We weren't sure who they were from to begin with, cos you'd

0:39:200:39:23

signed them "love, Ian" and Mrs Bentley misread it as "Jan".

0:39:230:39:26

Thank you.

0:39:260:39:28

Must've been hard for you, being so far away from her.

0:39:280:39:30

I knew she was on the way out.

0:39:320:39:34

She was getting confused, but I had no idea she was so close to the end.

0:39:340:39:39

When she died, Mrs Bentley wrote to you and told you what happened.

0:39:390:39:43

Then you came to work here.

0:39:450:39:47

Only you weren't working.

0:39:480:39:50

You were observing.

0:39:500:39:52

Like for instance, you knew that every day at 12,

0:39:520:39:56

Mrs Pincott went out for a cigarette.

0:39:560:39:58

But today wasn't just any day.

0:39:580:40:01

Mrs Pincott.

0:40:070:40:08

Yes?

0:40:080:40:09

-Do you know what day it is?

-What do you mean?

0:40:090:40:11

I mean what day

0:40:110:40:13

and what happened a year ago.

0:40:130:40:14

-Erm...

-You should know.

0:40:150:40:17

It should haunt you at every waking moment.

0:40:180:40:20

You killed a resident.

0:40:220:40:23

Oh, for God's sake, we did nothing wrong.

0:40:230:40:26

And anyway, the woman was a vegetable.

0:40:260:40:28

It was meant to be quiche for lunch, but you made an omelette.

0:40:300:40:33

What is this muck?

0:40:330:40:34

Because, presumably,

0:40:340:40:36

you couldn't roll pastry with a blood-spattered rolling pin.

0:40:360:40:39

You hit her on the head. I mean, I imagine you just meant

0:40:390:40:41

to knock her unconscious

0:40:410:40:43

so that when she fell off the roof it would look like suicide.

0:40:430:40:46

But what happened? Did things get out of hand?

0:40:460:40:49

And then, of course, the final flourish.

0:40:510:40:53

You took her body and put her on a wheelchair at the top of a ramp...

0:40:530:40:56

..and used some kind of timing device.

0:40:580:41:02

There were burn marks on the floor.

0:41:020:41:03

What was it? Corrosive acid?

0:41:060:41:08

And then when you were downstairs serving lunch...

0:41:140:41:16

..she fell from the roof.

0:41:220:41:23

So what if I did? It was divine justice.

0:41:260:41:30

And at least no-one else will suffer like my mother did.

0:41:300:41:33

What would you say if I told you that Mrs Pincott was innocent?

0:41:330:41:38

No! She did it.

0:41:380:41:40

-She admitted it.

-No. It was Mr Pincott

0:41:400:41:42

-that turned off the alarm.

-SIRENS WAIL

0:41:420:41:45

And his wife was so keen to protect him that she took the blame.

0:41:450:41:48

You just murdered an innocent woman.

0:41:480:41:50

No!

0:41:500:41:52

-No!

-Ian... Ian!

0:41:520:41:54

-Stop there.

-Oi.

-Take it easy. Stay there, stay there.

0:41:540:41:56

Right, calm down.

0:41:560:41:58

Ian McClurgy, I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.

0:41:580:42:01

You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence

0:42:010:42:04

if you do not mention when questioned something you later

0:42:040:42:06

rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

0:42:060:42:09

Do you understand?

0:42:090:42:11

Well, thank you for coming in this hour of our need.

0:42:140:42:18

You're welcome.

0:42:180:42:19

Mr Pincott's speaking to the police

0:42:190:42:21

and Soozie's clearing out her locker.

0:42:210:42:22

I don't think you're going to see either of them again.

0:42:220:42:24

Well, God knows what'll happen to us.

0:42:240:42:26

We'll probably be out on the street.

0:42:260:42:28

-I'm sure they'll find you somewhere.

-Oh, I know.

0:42:280:42:30

I got through the war and an ill-advised marriage,

0:42:310:42:34

I dare say I can cope with this.

0:42:340:42:36

Any sign of Sebastian?

0:42:360:42:37

Yes, he went off with Mr Falstaff.

0:42:370:42:40

-Really?

-Yes.

0:42:400:42:41

It's wonderful to see him happy just this once.

0:42:420:42:45

-Come on, Johnny!

-Come on, Johnny!

-Come on, Johnny!

0:42:450:42:48

-There we are.

-HE LAUGHS

0:42:480:42:50

THEY CHUCKLE

0:42:500:42:52

Come on, Sebastian. Come on!

0:42:530:42:56

Come on. Come on.

0:42:570:42:58

Yes!

0:42:580:42:59

Another win for the Leicestershire Legend!

0:43:010:43:03

A win!? I could hardly see you for dust.

0:43:030:43:05

Oh, you're such a loser!

0:43:050:43:06

A loser? You're such a liar!

0:43:060:43:08

-Oh!

-Here you go.

-APPLAUSE

0:43:110:43:15

I feel like Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet.

0:43:150:43:17

Aw, you look like her.

0:43:170:43:18

Smell like her.

0:43:180:43:20

Are you ready to go?

0:43:200:43:21

Can I come back tomorrow?

0:43:220:43:23

Behave yourself.

0:43:250:43:26

THEY CHEER

0:43:410:43:44

When a stressed care home owner falls to her death, Frank and Lu encounter hapless care assistants and surprisingly spirited geriatrics.


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