The Empty Hearse Sherlock

-JOHN:

-'Sherlock!'

'It's a trick.'

Just a magic trick.

No. All right, stop it now.

'Now, stay exactly where you are.

-'Don't move.'

-All right.

Keep your eyes fixed on me.

'Please, would you do this for me?'

Do what?

'This phone call, it's er...'

..it's my note.

It's what people do, don't they?

'Leave a note.'

Leave a note when?

'Goodbye, John.'

No. Don't...

Sherlock!

JOHN MOANS

John.

John, look at me. Look at me.

And sleep.

Right the way down, right the way deep, right the way, sound asleep.

That's real.

That's good, with my voice just there in the centre of your head

and floating all the way around you.

And you will awaken in three, two, one...

..zero.

Let me come through please! He's my friend.

-LESTRADE:

-'Bollocks!'

No, no, no, no, it's obvious.

That's how he did it. It's obvious.

Derren Brown?! Let it go, Sherlock's dead.

But is he?

There was a body, it was him.

It was definitely him, Molly Hooper laid him out.

No, she's lying.

It was Jim Moriarty's body with a mask on.

A mask?

A bungee rope, a mask, Derren Brown.

Two years and the theories keep getting more stupid.

How many more have you got for me today?

Well, you know the paving slabs in that whole area,

even the exact ones that he landed on,

-you know they were all...

-Guilt!

That's all this is.

You pushed us all into thinking

that Sherlock that was a fraud, you and Donovan.

You did this and it killed him and he's staying dead.

Do you honestly believe that if you have enough stupid theories,

it's going to change what really happened?

I believe in Sherlock Holmes.

Yeah, well, that won't bring him back.

And that after extensive police investigations...

Richard Brook did indeed prove to be the creation of James Moriarty...

-MALE REPORTER:

-'Amidst unprecedented scenes, there was uproar in court

'as Sherlock Holmes was vindicated and cleared of all suspicion.'

-FEMALE REPORTER:

-'Sadly, all this comes too late for the detective,

'who became something of a celebrity two years ago.'

Questions are now being asked as to why police let matters get so far.

Sherlock Holmes fell to his death

from the top of London's Bart's Hospital. Although he left no note,

friends say it's unlikely he was able to cope with the...

Well then. Absent friends.

Sherlock.

Sherlock.

And may God rest his soul.

HELICOPTER FLIES OVER

HEAVY BREATHING

MAN SPEAKS IN SERBIAN

MEN SHOUT IN SERBIAN

DOGS BARK

BARKING GETS CLOSER

GUNSHOTS

LOUD MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES

THUMP

MAN GROANS

THUMPS CONTINUE

MAN SPEAKS IN SERBIAN

THUMPS AND SHOUTING CONTINUE

MAN GROANS

TRANSLATED FROM SERBIAN:

PRISONER WHISPERS

What?

PRISONER WHISPERS

PRISONER WHISPERS

DOOR CLOSES

Now listen to me.

There's an underground terrorist network active in London

and a massive attack is imminent.

Sorry, but the holiday is over...

..Brother dear.

Back to Baker Street...

..Sherlock Holmes.

-CHILD:

-Penny for the guy?

Oi, mate, penny for the guy?

-Penny for the guy, mate?

-Penny for the guy?

Penny for the guy? Penny for the guy? >

-JOHN:

-'That was the most ridiculous thing I've ever done.'

SHERLOCK: 'You invaded Afghanistan.'

DOOR OPENS

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

You have been busy, haven't you?

Quite the busy little bee. Hmm.

Moriarty's network. Took me two years to dismantle it.

And you're confident you have?

The Serbian side was the last piece of the puzzle.

Yes. You got yourself in deep there with Baron Maupertuis.

-Quite a scheme.

-Colossal.

Anyway. You're safe now.

Mmm.

A small "thank you" wouldn't go amiss.

What for?

For wading in.

In case you've forgotten, field work is not my natural milieu.

"Wading in?"

You sat there and watched me being beaten a pulp.

-I got you out.

-No, I got me out.

Why didn't you intervene sooner?

I couldn't risk giving myself away, could I?

-It would have ruined everything.

-You were enjoying it.

-Nonsense.

Definitely enjoying it.

Listen, do you have any idea what it was like, Sherlock,

going undercover?

Smuggling my way into their ranks like that?

The noise, the people!

I didn't know you spoke Serbian.

I didn't. But the language has a Slavic root.

Frequent Turkish and German loan words.

Took me a couple of hours.

Hmm, you're slipping.

Middle-age, brother mine.

Comes to us all.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, no, you don't take it, do you?

-No.

-You forget a little thing like that.

Yes.

You forget lots of little things, it seems.

Uh-huh.

Not sure about that.

-Hmm?

-Ages you.

Just trying it out.

Well, it ages you.

-Look...

-I'm not your mother, I've no right to expect it...

-No...

-But just one phone call, John!

Just one phone call would have done.

I know.

-After all we went through!

-Yes.

I am sorry.

Look, I understand how difficult it was for you after...

..after...

I just let it slide, Mrs Hudson, I let it all slide.

And it just got harder and harder to pick up the phone, somehow.

Do you know what I mean?

SHE SIGHS

I need you to give this matter your full attention, Sherlock,

-is that quite clear?

-What do you think of this shirt?

-Sherlock!

I will find your underground terror cell, Mycroft.

Just put me back in London.

I need to get to know the place again, breathe it in.

Feel every quiver of its beating heart.

One of our men died getting this information.

All the chatter, all the traffic concurs,

there's going to be a terrorist strike on London, a big one.

And what about John Watson?

-John?

-Mm. Have you seen him?

-Oh, yes,

we meet up every Friday for fish and chips(!)

I've kept a weather eye on him, of course.

We haven't been in touch at all to...prepare him.

No.

Well, we'll have to get rid of that.

-"We?"

-He looks ancient.

I can't be seen to be wandering around with an old man.

I couldn't face letting it out.

SHE COUGHS

He never liked me dusting.

No, I know.

So why now? What changed your mind?

Well, I've got some news.

Oh, God, is it serious?

What? No, no, I'm not ill.

I've, well, I'm...

..moving on.

You're emigrating?

Nope. Er, no, I've er...

..I have met someone.

Oh! Ah, lovely.

Yeah. We're getting married. Well, I'm going to ask, anyway.

So soon after Sherlock?

Hmm, well, yes.

What's his name?

It's a woman.

-A woman?!

-Yes, of course it's a woman.

-You really have moved on, haven't you?

-Mrs Hudson, how many times?

Sherlock was not my boyfriend!

Live and let live, that's my motto.

Listen to me - I am not gay!

HE SIGHS

I think I'll surprise John. He'll be delighted.

You think so?

Mm, pop into Baker Street, who knows, jump out of a cake.

Baker Street? He isn't there any more.

Why would he be? It's been two years.

He's got on with his life.

What life? I've been away.

-Where's he going to be tonight?

-How would I know?

-You always know.

He has a dinner reservation in the Marylebone Road.

Nice little spot.

They have a few bottles of the 2000 Saint-Emilion,

though I prefer the 2001.

I think maybe I'll just drop by.

You know, it is just possible that you won't be welcome.

No, it isn't.

-Now, where is it?

-Where's what?

-You know what.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Welcome back, Mr Holmes.

Thank you.

Blud.

Sir, can I help you?

MUFFLED SCREAMS

PHONE BEEPS

Your wife just texted you, possibly her contractions have started.

Excuse me, sir.

Oh, sir, I am so, so sorry.

Er, please, let me just go to the kitchen and dry that off for you.

Finished with that, sir? Allow me to take it for you.

Madam, can I suggest you look at this menu, it's completely identical.

IN A FRENCH ACCENT: Can I help you with anything, sir?

Hi, yeah, I'm looking for a bottle of champagne. A good one.

Hmm, well, these are all

excellent vintages, sir.

Oh, it's not really my area,

what do you suggest?

Well, you cannot possibly go wrong,

but if you'd like my personal

-recommendation...

-Hmm?

This last one on the list is a favourite of mine.

It is, you might in fact say, like a face from the past.

Great. I'll have that one please.

It is familiar, but with the quality of surprise!

Well, surprise me.

I'm certainly endeavouring to, sir.

Sorry that took so long.

You OK?

Yeah, yeah. Me? Fine. I am fine.

HE CHUCKLES

Now then, what did you want to ask me?

-More wine?

-No, I'm good with water, thanks.

-Right.

-So?

-Er, so...

Mary...

Listen, um...

I know it hasn't been long,

and I know we haven't known each other for a long time...

-Go on.

-Yes, I will.

As you know, these last couple of years haven't been easy for me.

And meeting you...

Yeah, meeting you has been the best thing

-that could have possibly happened.

-I agree.

-What?

I agree, I'm the best thing that could have happened to you.

-Sorry.

-Well, no, it's, um...

So...

..if you'll have me, Mary, could you see your way, um...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

SHE GIGGLES

If you could see your way to...

Sir, you'll find this vintage exceptionally to your liking.

It has all the qualities of the old, with the colour of the new.

-No, sorry, not now, please.

-Like a gaze from a crowd of strangers,

suddenly one is aware of staring into the face of an old friend.

No, look, seriously, could you just...?

Interesting thing, a tuxedo.

Lends distinction to friends and anonymity to waiters.

John?

John, what is it? What?

Well, the short version...

..not dead.

Bit mean springing it on you like that, I know.

Could have given you a heart attack, probably still will.

But in my defence, it was very funny.

OK, it's not a great defence.

-Oh, no, you're...

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, my God!

-Not quite.

-You died, you jumped off a roof.

-No.

-You're dead.

No, I'm quite sure, I checked. Excuse me.

Does...does yours rub off too?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Do you have any idea what you've done?!

OK, John, I'm suddenly realising I probably owe you

some sort of an apology...

All right, just, John, just keep...

JOHN GASPS

Two years.

Two years! Hmm?

I thought...

I thought...

..you were dead.

Hmm?

JOHN GASPS

Now, you let me grieve. Hmm.

How could you do that?

How?!

Wait, before you do anything that you might regret, um,

one question, just let me ask one question.

Are you really going to keep that?

MUSIC: "Donde Estas, Yolanda?" by Pink Martini

I calculated that there were 13 possibilities

once I'd invited Moriarty onto the roof.

'I wanted to avoid dying, if at all possible.

'The first scenario involved hurling myself into a parked van filled with washing bags.

'Impossible, the angle was too steep. Secondly, a system of Japanese wrestling...

'You know, for a genius, you can be remarkably thick.'

-What?

-I don't care how you faked it, Sherlock.

I want to know why.

Why? Because Moriarty had to be stopped.

Oh.

Why, as in...?

I see. Yes. Why?

That's a little more difficult to explain.

I've got all night.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Actually, um, that was mostly Mycroft's idea.

Oh, so it was your brother's plan?

Oh, but he would have needed a confidante.

Mm-hm.

Sorry.

But he was the only one? The only one who knew?

A couple of others. It was a very elaborate plan, it had to be.

-The next of the 13 possibilities was...

-Who else?

Who else knew?

-Who?!

-Molly.

-Molly?!

-John...

-Molly Hooper

-and some of my homeless network and that's all.

-OK.

OK.

So just your brother, Molly Hooper and 100 tramps.

Ha, no! 25 at most.

GLASS SHATTERS

Seriously, it's not a joke? You're really keeping this?

Er, yeah.

Sure?

Mary likes it.

Hmm, no, she doesn't.

-She does.

-She doesn't.

Oh, don't.

-Oh, brilliant(!)

-Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

I didn't know how to tell you...

Right, no, no, this is charming. I've really missed this(!)

One word, Sherlock, that is all I would have needed!

One word to let me know that you were alive!

I've nearly been in contact so many times, but... JOHN SCOFFS

-I worried that, you know, you might say something indiscreet.

-What?

-You know, let the cat out of the bag.

-So this is my fault!

-Oh, God!

-Why am I the only one who thinks that this is wrong?!

The only one reacting like a human being!

-Over-reacting.

-Over-reacting!

-John!

-Over-reacting! So you fake your own death and you waltz in here

-large as bloody life!

-Shh.

-But I'm not meant to have a problem with it,

cos Sherlock Holmes thinks it's a perfectly OK thing to do!

Shut up! I don't want everyone knowing I'm still alive!

-Oh, so it's still a secret, is it?!

-Yes, it's still a secret!

-Promise you won't tell anyone?

-Swear to God!

London is in danger, John. There's an imminent terrorist attack and I need your help.

My help?

You have missed this, admit it.

The thrill of the chase, the blood pumping through your veins,

just the two of us against the rest of the world.

I don't understand, I said I'm sorry,

isn't that what you're supposed to do?

Gosh, you don't know anything about human nature, do you?

Hmm, nature? No.

Human? No.

I'll talk him round.

-You will?

-Oh, yeah.

Mary.

Can you believe his nerve?

I like him.

What?

I like him.

METALLIC SOUND

Those things will kill you.

Oh, you bastard!

It's time to come back.

You've been letting things slide, Graham.

-Greg.

-Greg.

-RADIO:

-'Very common belief, with an anti terrorism bill...'

THUDDING

'..the Government feels duty-bound

'to push through the legislation with all due exped...'

THUDDING CONTINUES

SHE YELLS

'Now, stay exactly where you are.'

Where are you?

'Don't move.

'Keep your eyes fixed on me.

'What? What's happening? What's going on?'

Please, will you do this for me? Please.

Do what?

'This phone call...'

it's my note.

'That's what people do, don't they?'

Leave a note. MORIARTY GIGGLES

'Leave a note when?'

-Goodbye, John.

-'No.'

MORIARTY LAUGHS

Sherlock!

Oh, ho!

What?! Are you out of your mind?!

I don't see why not.

It's just as plausible as some of your theories.

Look, if you're not going to take it seriously, Laura...

I do take it seriously.

I don't think we should wear hats.

I founded 'The Empty Hearse' so like-minded people could meet,

discuss theories!

Sherlock's still out there.

I'm convinced of it.

Oh, my God!

MOBILE PHONES RING

Oh...my...God!

"His movements were so silent,

"so furtive he reminded me

"of a trained bloodhound picking out a scent."

-You what?

-"I couldn't help thinking what an amazing criminal he'd make

-"if he turned his talents against the law."

-Don't read that.

-Famous blog, finally.

-Come on, that's...

Ancient history, yes, I know, but it's not though, is it, because he's...

What are you doing?

Having a wash.

You're shaving it off.

-Well, you hate it.

-Sherlock hates it.

-Apparently everyone hates it.

-Oh!

-Are you going to see him again?

-No, I'm going to work.

-Oh, and after work, are you going to see him again?

-No.

God, I had six months of bristly kisses for me

and then his nibs turns up...

I don't shave for Sherlock Holmes.

You should put that on a T-shirt.

-Shut up.

-Or what?

Or I'll marry you.

London, it's like a great cesspool into which all kinds

of criminals, agents and drifters are irresistibly drained.

Sometimes it's not a question of who, it's a question of who knows?

If this man cancels his papers, I need to know.

If this woman leaves London without putting her dog into kennels,

I need to know.

I have certain people, they are markers.

If they start to move, I'll know something's up.

Like rats deserting a sinking ship.

All very interesting, Sherlock,

but the terror alert has been raised to critical.

Boring. Your move.

We have solid information, an attack IS coming.

Solid information, a secret terrorist organisation is planning an attack...

That's what secret terrorist organisations do, isn't it? It's their version of golf.

-An agent gave his life to tell us that.

-Oh, well,

perhaps he shouldn't have done. He was obviously just trying to show off.

None of these 'markers' of yours is behaving in any way suspiciously?

Your move.

No, Mycroft, but you have to trust me. I'll find the answer.

But it'll be in an odd phrase in an on-line blog,

or an unexpected trip to the countryside,

or a misplaced lonely hearts ad.

Your move!

I've given the Prime Minister my personal assurance you're on the case.

I am on the case, we both are, look at us right now.

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Oh, bugger!

-Whoopsy!

Can't handle a broken heart. How very telling.

Don't be smart.

That takes me back.

"Don't be smart, Sherlock, I'm the smart one."

I am the smart one.

I used to think I was an idiot.

Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock.

We had nothing else to go on, until we met other children.

-Oh, yes, that was a mistake.

-Ghastly. What were they thinking of?

Probably something about trying to make friends.

Oh, yes. Friends.

Of course, you go in for that sort of thing now.

And you don't? Ever?

If you seem slow to me, Sherlock,

can you imagine what real people are like?

I'm living in a world of goldfish.

Yes, but I've been away for two years.

-So?

-Oh, I don't know,

I thought perhaps you might have found yourself a...

-goldfish.

-Change the subject, now.

Rest assured, Mycroft,

whatever this underground network of yours is up to,

the secret will reside in something seemingly insignificant or bizarre.

-Ooh-ooh.

-Speaking of which...

I can't believe it. I just can't believe it!

Him sitting in his chair again.

Oh, isn't it wonderful, Mr Holmes?

-I can barely contain myself(!)

-Oh, he really can, you know.

He's secretly pleased to see you, underneath all that.

Sorry, which of us?

Both of you.

Let's play something different.

Why are we playing games?!

London's terror alert has been raised to critical,

I'm just passing the time.

Let's do deductions.

Client left this while I was out, what do you reckon?

I'm busy.

Oh, go on, it's been an age.

HE SNIFFS

-I always win.

-Which is why you can't resist.

I find nothing irresistible in the hat of a well-travelled anxious,

sentimental, unfit creature of habit with appalling halitosis.

-Damn.

-Isolated too, don't you think?

Why would he be isolated?

-"He?"

-Obviously.

-Why? Size of the hat?

Don't be silly. Some women have large heads too.

No, he's recently had his hair cut,

you can see the little hairs adhering to the perspiration stains on the inside.

Some women have short hair too.

-Balance of probability.

-Not that you've ever spoken to a woman with short hair, or, you know, a woman.

Stains show he's out of condition. He's sentimental cos the hat

-has been repaired, three, four...

-Five times. Very neatly.

The cost of the repairs exceeds that of the hat, he's mawkishly attached to it. More than that.

One or two patches would indicate sentimentality. Five's obsessive behaviour. Obsessive compulsive.

Hardly. Your client left it behind.

What sort of an obsessive compulsive would do that?

The earlier patches are extensively sun bleached,

so he's worn it abroad, in Peru.

-Peru?

-This is a chullo.

The classic headgear of Andes, it's made of alpaca.

-No.

-No?

-Icelandic sheep wool. Similar, but very distinctive,

if you know what you're looking for. I've written a blog on the varying

tensile strengths of different natural fibres.

I'm sure there's a crying need for that(!)

-You said he was anxious?

-The bobble on the left side has been badly chewed,

which shows he's a man of a nervous disposition, but...

But also a creature of habit,

-cos he hasn't chewed the bobble on the right.

-Precisely.

A sniff of the offending bobble tells us all we need to know about the state of his breath.

-Brilliant!

-Elementary.

But you've missed his isolation.

I don't see it.

-Plain as day.

-Where?

-There for all to see.

-Tell me.

-Plain as the nose on your...

-Tell me!

Well, anybody who wears a hat as stupid as this

isn't in the habit of hanging around other people, is he?

Not at all. Maybe he just doesn't mind being different.

He doesn't necessarily have to be isolated.

Exactly.

I'm sorry?

He's different, so what? Why would he mind?

You're quite right.

Why would anyone mind?

I am not lonely, Sherlock.

How would you know?

Yes. Back to work, if you don't mind. Good morning.

SHE CHUCKLES

Right, back to work.

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

Mr Summerson.

-Right.

-Undescended testicle.

Right.

PHONE BEEPS

-Sherlock?

-Hmm?

Talk to John.

I've tried talking to him. He made his position quite clear.

Just relax, Mr Summerson.

What did he say?

-F...

-Cough.

Oh, dear.

INTERCOM BUZZES

Hi?

'Mrs Reeves. Thrush.'

Right.

You wanted to see me?

Yes. Molly...

-Yes?

-Would you...?

-Would you like to...

-Have dinner?

-..solve crimes?

Um...

Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, Mrs Reeves.

It's very common, but I'm recommending a course of...

Monkey glands, but enough about Professor Presbury.

-Tell us more about your case, Mr Harcourt.

-You sure about this?

-Absolutely.

-Should I be making notes?

-If it makes you feel better.

-That's what John says he does.

-So if I'm being John...

-You're not being John, you're being yourself.

Well, absolutely no one should have been able to empty

that bank account other than myself and Helen.

-Why didn't you assume it was your wife?

-Because I've always had total faith in her.

No, it's because YOU emptied it. Weight-loss, hair dye, Botox, affair.

Lawyer. Next!

This is Mr Blake. Piles.

Mr Blake, hi.

And your pen-pal's emails just stopped, did they?

SHE WHINES

And you really thought he was the one, didn't you?

The love of your life?

SHE CRIES

Stepfather posing as on-line boyfriend.

What?

Breaks it off, breaks her heart.

She swears off relationships, stays at home.

He still has her wage coming in.

Mr Windibank, you have been a complete and utter...

Piss pot.

It's nothing to worry about, just a small infection, by the sound of it.

Dr Verner is your usual GP, yes?

-IN A FOREIGN ACCENT:

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looked after me man and boy.

I run a little shop just on the corner of Church Street.

-Oh.

-Magazines and DVDs.

I've brought along a few little beauties that might interest you...

Tree Worshippers. Oh, that's a corker. It's very saucy.

And British Birds. Same sort of thing.

I'm fine, thanks.

The Holy War.

Sounds a bit dry, I know,

but there's a nun with all these holes in her habit...

Jesus! Sherlock.

-What?

-What do you want?

Uh?

-Have you come to torment me?

-What are you talking about?

-"What are you talking...?"

What, do you think I'm going to be fooled by this bloody beard?!

-You're crazy!

-No, no, no, no, no.

It's not as good as your French! Not as good as your French.

It's not even a good disguise, Sherlock!

Where did you get it from, a bloody joke shop...?!

Oh, my God!

I, I am so sorry.

Oh, my God!

Please...

It's fine.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

This one's got us all baffled.

Hmm, I don't doubt it.

HE SNIFFS

HE SNIFFS

What is it?

You're onto something, aren't you?

Maybe.

-JOHN'S VOICE:

-'Show off!'

-Shut up, John.

-What?

-Hmm?

Nothing.

-Hello.

-Hmm.

-Are you sure?

-I'm sure.

-OK.

I'm late for Cath. I'll see you later.

-Bye.

-Bye.

This going to be your new arrangement, is it?

Just giving it a go.

Right.

So, John?

Not really in the picture any more.

RUMBLING NOISE

Trains?

Trains.

Male, 40 to 50. Oh, sorry, did you want to be...?

Er, no, please, be my guest.

'You jealous?'

Shut up!

It doesn't make sense.

What doesn't?

This skeleton, it can't be any more than...

MOLLY AND SHERLOCK: Six months old.

Wow!

"How I Did It, by Jack the Ripper."

-Uh-huh.

-That's impossible.

-Welcome to my world.

'Smart arse!'

I won't insult your intelligence by explaining it to you.

No, please, insult away.

'You forgot to put your collar up.'

The corpse is, is six months old.

It's dressed in a shoddy Victorian outfit from a museum.

It's been displayed on a dummy for many years,

in a case facing south-east, judging from the fading of the fabric.

It was sold off in a fire damage sale a week ago.

So the whole thing was a fake?

Yes.

Looked so promising.

Facile.

Why would someone go to all that trouble?

Why indeed, John?

DOORBELL: 'Mind the gap. Mind the gap.'

Oh. Thanks for hanging onto it.

No problem.

So, what's this all about, Mr Shilcott?

My girlfriend's a big fan of yours.

Girlfriend?!

Sorry. Do go on.

I like trains.

-Yes...

-I work on the Tube, on the District Line, and part of my job

is to wipe the security footage after it's been cleared.

I was just whizzing through and I found something a bit bizarre.

Now, this was a week ago.

The last train on the Friday night, Westminster Station.

Now, this man gets into the last car.

-Car?

-They're cars, not carriages.

It's a legacy of the early American involvement in the Tube system.

He said he liked trains.

And the next stop, St James' Park Station.

And...

I thought you'd like it.

He gets into the last car at Westminster. The only passenger.

And the car is empty at St James's Park Station.

Explain that, Mr Holmes.

-Couldn't he have just jumped off?

-There's a safety mechanism that prevents the doors

from opening in transit. But there's something else,

the driver of that train hasn't been to work since.

According to his flatmate, he's on holiday. Came into some money.

Bought off?

Hmm?

So if the driver of the train was in on it,

then the passenger did get off.

There's nowhere he could go. It's a straight run on the District Line between the two stations.

There's no side tunnels, no maintenance tunnels.

Nothing on any map. Nothing.

Train never stops and a man vanishes.

Good, innit?

I know that face.

JOHN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Excuse you(!)

The journey between those stations usually takes five minutes

and that one took ten. Ten minutes to get from Westminster to St James's Park.

-I'll need maps, lots of maps. Older maps, all the maps.

-Right.

-Fancy some chips?

-What?

I know a fantastic fish shop just off the Marylebone Road,

the owner always gives me extra portions.

Did you get him off a murder charge?

No, I helped him put up some shelves.

-Sherlock?

-Hmm?

-What was today about?

-Saying thank you.

For what?

-For everything you did for me.

-It's OK. It's my pleasure.

No. I mean it.

I don't mean pleasure, I mean I didn't mind.

-I wanted to...

-Moriarty slipped up, he made a mistake.

Because the one person he thought didn't matter at all to me

was the one person that mattered the most.

You made it all possible.

But you can't do this again, can you?

I've had a lovely day. I'd love to, I just, um...

Hmm, congratulations, by the way.

He's not from work.

We met through friends, old-fashioned way.

He's nice, we've got a dog, we, we go to the pub on weekends

and I've met his mum and dad and his friends and all his family.

I've no idea why I'm telling you any of this...

I hope you'll be very happy, Molly Hooper.

You deserve it.

After all, not all the men you fall for can turn out to be sociopaths.

-No?

-No.

Maybe it's just my type.

HE COUGHS

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, Mrs Hudson, sorry, I think someone's got John. John Watson?

Hang on, who are you?!

Oh, I'm his fiancee.

-Oh.

-Mary?

What's wrong?

Someone sent me this.

At first I thought it was just a Bible thing,

you know, spam, but it's not.

It's a skip code.

First word, then every third.

"Save John Watson."

Now!

Where are we going?

St James The Less, it's a church. 20 minutes by car.

-Did you drive here?

-Er, yes.

It's too slow, it's too slow.

CAR HORN HONKS

Watch out! What are we waiting for?!

This.

BRAKES SQUEAL

What does it mean?

What are they going to do to him?

I don't know!

VOICES IN THE BACKGROUND

HE GASPS

Damn!

-POLICEMAN:

-Oi! Oi! You can't go down there!

MUFFLED SCREAM

HE GASPS

HE GAGS

HORN HONKS

No, it's not going to work, with that.

I'll get something to help it along. Yeah.

Help! Argh!

MUFFLED SCREAMS

-He doesn't like it, Daddy.

-Huh?

Guy Fawkes, he doesn't like it.

Stay back, Zoe. Back!

Now.

HE SCREAMS

What does it mean?

Oh, my God!

CHEERING

Help!

SHE SCREAMS

Stand back!

JOHN GROANS

Move! Move! Move!

Move! Move!

-John!

-John!

John! John!

Get up, John!

-John!

-John?!

Help!

John!

-John!

-John!

-John!

-John!

Hey, John.

-ELDERLY LADY:

-'Which wasn't the way I'd put it at all. Silly woman.'

Anyway, it was then that I first noticed it was missing.

I said, "Have you checked down the back of the sofa?"

He's always losing things down the back of the sofa, aren't you, dear?

Afraid so.

Oh, keys, small change, sweeties.

-Especially his glasses.

-Glasses.

Blooming things. I said, "Why don't you get a chain,

"wear them round your neck?"

-And he says, "What, like Larry Grayson!"

-Larry Grayson.

So did you find it eventually, your lottery ticket?

Well, yes, thank goodness.

We caught the coach on time after all.

We managed to see St Paul's, the Tower,

but they weren't letting anyone into Parliament.

Some big debate going on.

DOOR OPENS

-John?

-Sorry, you're busy.

-No, no, no, they were just leaving.

-No, oh, were we?

-Yes.

-No, no, if you've got a case...

-No, not a case. Yeah, go.

-We're here till Saturday, remember.

-Yes, wonderful. Just get out!

-Yes, well, give us a ring.

-Very nice, yes, good. Get out!

I can't tell you how glad we are, Sherlock.

All that time people thinking the worst.

We're just so pleased it's all over.

Ring up more often, won't you?

-Mm-hm.

-She worries.

Promise?

Promise.

Oh, for God...

HE SIGHS

-Sorry about that.

-No, it's fine.

Clients?

Just my parents.

-Your parents?

-In town for a few days.

-Your parents?

-Mycroft promised to take them to a matinee of Les Mis.

Tried to talk me into doing it.

-Those were your parents?

-Yes.

Well...

..that is not what I...

What?

I mean, they're just so...

..ordinary.

It's a cross I have to bear.

Did they know too?

-Hmm?

-That you spent the last two years playing hide and seek?

-Maybe.

-Ah, so that's why they weren't at the funeral!

-Sorry, sorry again.

-Hmm.

Sorry.

So you've shaved it off then?

Yeah. Wasn't working for me.

-Yeah, I'm glad.

-You didn't like it?

No, I prefer my doctors clean-shaven.

That's not a sentence you hear every day.

How are you feeling?

Yeah, not bad. Bit smoked.

Right.

Last night, who did that?

And why did they target me?

I don't know.

Is it someone trying to get to you through me?

Is it something to do with this terrorist thing you talked about?

I don't know, I can't see the pattern. It's too nebulous.

Why would an agent give his life to tell us something incredibly insignificant? That's what's strange.

-Give his life?

-According to Mycroft.

There's an underground network planning an attack on London, that's all we know.

HE SNIFFS

-These are my rats, John.

-Rats?

My markers, agents, lowlifes. People who might find themselves

arrested or their diplomatic immunity suddenly rescinded.

If one of them starts acting suspiciously, we know something's up.

Five of them are behaving perfectly normally, but the sixth...

I know him, don't I?

Lord Moran, Peer of the Realm. Minister for Overseas Development.

-Pillar of the Establishment.

-Yes.

He's been working for North Korea since 1996.

-What?

-He's the big rat, rat number one.

He's just done something very suspicious indeed.

Yeah, that's odd.

There's nowhere he could have got off?

Not according to the maps.

There's something, something, something I'm missing.

Something staring me in the face.

PHONE BEEPS

Any idea who they are, this underground network?

Intelligence must have a list of the most obvious ones.

Our rat's just come out of his den.

Al-Qaeda? The IRA have been getting restless again,

-maybe they're going to make an appearance...

-Yes, yes, yes, yes!

I've been an idiot, a blind idiot!

-What?

-Oh, that's good. That could be brilliant!

-What are you on about?

-Mycroft's intelligence is not nebulous at all,

it's specific, incredibly specific.

What do you mean?

It's not an underground network, John, it's an Underground network!

Right.

-What?

-Sometimes a deception is so audacious, so outrageous

that you can't see it even when it's staring you in the face. Look,

-seven carriages leave Westminster.

-Mm.

And only six carriages arrive at St James's Park.

Ah, but that's, I mean, it's impossible.

Moran didn't disappear. The entire tube compartment did.

The driver must have diverted the train and then detached the last carriage.

Detached it where? You said there was nothing between those stations.

Not on the maps, but once you eliminate the other factors,

the remaining thing must be the truth. That carriage vanished, so it must be somewhere.

But why, though?

Why detach it in the first place?

It vanishes between St James's Park and Westminster.

Lord Moran vanishes.

You're kidnapped and nearly burnt to death at a fireworks party.

What's the date, John, today's date?

Hmm? November the...

Oh, God!

Lord Moran, he's a Peer of the Realm.

Normally he'd sit in the House.

Tonight, there's an all-night sitting to vote on the new anti-terrorism bill.

But he won't be there, not tonight.

Not the 5th November.

"Remember, remember..."

"Gunpowder, treason and plot!"

'There's nothing down there, Mr Holmes, I told you.

'No sidings, no ghost stations.'

There has to be, check again.

This whole area is a big mess of old and new stuff.

Charing Cross is made up of bits of older stations,

like Trafalgar Square, Strand.

No, it's none of those, we've accounted for those.

St Margaret Street, Bridge Street, Sumatra Road, Parliament Street...

'Hang on, hang on, Sumatra Road?

'You mentioned Sumatra Road, Mr Holmes? There is something,

'I knew it rang a bell! Yes.

'There was a station down there.'

Well, why isn't it on the maps?

-'Because it was closed before it ever opened.'

-What?

'They built the platforms, even the staircases, but it all got tied up

'in legal disputes and so they never built the station on the surface.'

It's right underneath the Palace of Westminster.

So what's down there, a bomb?

Oh.

'With many commentators saying

'the vote on the Terrorism Bill will be too close to call,

'MPs are now making their way into the Chamber for what

'the Government is calling "the most important vote of this Parliament."

'Over now to our...'

'What freedoms exactly are we protecting

'if we start spying on our own people?

'This is a Orwellian measure on a scale unprecedented...'

There's a bomb, then? The tube carriage is carrying a bomb.

-Must be.

-Right.

-What are you doing?

-I'm calling the police.

-What? No!

Sherlock, this isn't a game, they need to evacuate Parliament.

They'll get in the way, they always do. This is cleaner, more efficient.

-And illegal?

-A bit.

What are you doing?

Coming.

-I don't understand.

-Well, that's a first.

There's nowhere else it could be.

SCREAMING

Oh!

What?!

-Hang on, Sherlock...?

-What?

-That's, isn't it live?

Perfectly safe as long as we avoid touching the rails.

Of course, yeah, avoid the rails. Great!

This way.

-Are you sure?

-Sure.

Ha!

Look at that.

-John...

-Hmm?

Demolition charges.

It's empty. There's nothing.

Isn't there?

This is the bomb.

What?

It's not carrying explosives, the whole compartment is the bomb.

HE GASPS

We need bomb disposal.

There may not be time for that now.

So what do we do?

I have no idea.

-Well, think of something.

-Why do you think I know what to do?

Cos you're Sherlock Holmes, you're as clever as it gets.

It doesn't mean I know how to diffuse a giant bomb!

-What about you?!

-I wasn't in bomb disposal, I'm a bloody doctor!

And a soldier, as you keep reminding us all!

Can't... Can't we rip the timer off, or something?

-That would set it off.

-You see, you know things!

BEEPING

Oh!

-Er...

-My God!

Er...

JOHN GASPS

Why didn't you call the police?!

-Can you just...?

-Why do you never call the police?!

Well, it's no use now.

So you can't switch the bomb off?!

You can't switch the bomb off and you didn't call the police!

Go, John. Go now!

There's no point now, is there, because there's not enough time

to get away and if we don't do this, other people will die!

SHERLOCK SIGHS

Mind palace!

-Hmm?

-Use your mind palace!

How will that help?

You've salted away every fact under the sun!

-And you think I've just got "how to defuse a bomb" tucked away in there somewhere?!

-Yes!

Maybe.

Think!

Think, please think.

Think!

I can't!

Oh, my God!

This is it.

Um, er...

SHERLOCK BREATHES HEAVILY

Oh, my God!

Turn that off. Oh, God!

Er, um, er...

I'm sorry.

What?

I can't, I can't do it, John.

I don't know how.

Forgive me.

What?!

Please, John, forgive me,

for all the hurt that I caused you.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, this is a trick.

-No.

Another one of your bloody tricks.

-No.

-You're just trying to make me say something nice.

Not this time.

It's just to make you look good even though you've behaved like...

I wanted you not to be dead.

Yeah, well, be careful what you wish for.

If I hadn't come back, you wouldn't be standing there and...

..you'd still have a future, with Mary.

Yeah, I know.

Look, I find it difficult. I find it difficult, this sort of stuff.

I know.

You were the best and the wisest man that I have ever known.

Yes, of course I forgive you.

The criminal network Moriarty headed was vast.

Its roots were everywhere, like a cancer, so we came up with a plan.

Mycroft fed Moriarty information about me.

Moriarty, in turn, gave us hints,

just hints as to the extent of his web.

We let him go, because it was important to let him believe

he had the upper hand.

And then, I sat back and watched Moriarty

destroy my reputation, bit by bit.

I had to make him believe he'd beaten me,

utterly defeated me, and then he'd show his hand.

There were 13 likely scenarios once we were up on that roof.

Each of them were rigorously worked out and given a code name.

It wasn't just my reputation that Moriarty needed to bury.

I had to die.

Sherlock!

You can have me arrested, you can torture me,

you can do anything you like with me,

but nothing's going to prevent them from pulling the trigger.

Your only three friends in the world will die, unless...

Unless I kill myself and complete your story.

You've got to admit that's sexier.

'But the one thing I didn't anticipate was just how far

'Moriarty was prepared to go. I suppose that was obvious,

'given our first meeting at the swimming pool.

'His death wish.'

Argh!

GUNSHOT

'I knew I didn't have long.

'I contacted my brother, set the wheels in motion.

'And then everyone got to work.'

'It's a trick.'

'It's just a magic trick.'

'All right, stop it now.'

'Now, stay exactly where you are.'

'Don't move!'

All right.

Keep your eyes fixed on me.

Please, will you do this for me?

'It was vital that John stayed just where I'd put him

'and that way his view was blocked by the ambulance station.'

Sherlock!

'I needed to hit the air-bag,

'which I did.

'Speed was paramount.

'The air-bag needed to be got out of the way

'just as John cleared the station.

'But we needed him to see a body.

'That's where Molly came in.

'Like figures on a weather clock, we went one way, John went the other.

'Then, our well-timed cyclist...'

'..put John briefly out of action,

'giving me time to switch places with the corpse on the pavement.

'The rest was just window dressing.'

'And one final touch, a squash ball under the armpit.

'Apply enough pressure and it momentarily cuts off the pulse.'

Let me come through, please!

-It's all right...

-No, he's my friend.

-It's all right.

-No, he's my friend.

-It's all right, it's all right...

-He's my friend, please.

Everything was anticipated, every eventuality allowed for.

It worked perfectly.

Molly. Molly Hooper? She was in on it?

Yes. You remember the little girl who was abducted by Moriarty?

SHE SCREAMS

Get out!

'You assumed she reacted like that because I was her kidnapper.'

But I deduced Moriarty must have found someone who looked

very like me to plant suspicion, and that that man, whoever he was,

had to be got out of the way as soon as his usefulness ended.

That meant there was a corpse in the morgue somewhere

that looked just like me.

Clever.

Molly found the body, faked the records

and I provided the other coat.

I've got lots of coats.

What about the sniper aiming at John?

Mycroft's men intervened before he could take the shot.

He was invited to reconsider.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Is it done?

Good.

And your homeless network?

As I explained, the whole street was closed off.

Like a scene from a play.

Neat, don't you think?

Hmm...

What?

Not the way I'd have done it.

Oh, really?

-No, I'm not saying it's not clever, but...

-What?

Bit...disappointed.

Oh. Everyone's a critic. Anyway, that's not why I came.

-No?

-No, I think you know why I'm here, Phillip.

"How I Did It, by Jack the Ripper?"

Didn't you think it was intriguing?

Lurid. A case so sensational you hoped I'd be interested.

But you overdid it, Phillip. You and your little fan-club.

I just couldn't live with myself, knowing that I'd driven you to...

But you didn't. You were always right, I wasn't dead.

No. No, and everything's OK now, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Though of course you've wasted police time.

Perverted the course of justice.

Risked distracting me from a massive terrorist assault that could have

both destroyed Parliament and caused the death of hundreds of people.

Oh, God! Oh, God, I'm sorry, Sherlock!

-I'm so sorry.

-HE CRIES

Hang on.

That doesn't make sense.

How could you be sure John would stand on that exact spot?

I mean, what if he'd moved?

And...how did you do it all so quickly?

What if the bike hadn't hit him?

And anyway, why are you telling me all this?

HE CHUCKLES

If you'd pulled that off, I'm the last person you'd tell the truth to!

Sherlock Holmes!

SHERLOCK GIGGLES

-You...

-Oh, your face!

-..utter...

-Your face!

You!

-Totally had you!

-You cock!

-I knew it! I knew it! You...

-Oh, those things you said, such sweet things.

-I never knew you cared.

-I will, I'll kill you if you ever breathe a word of this...

-Scout's honour.

-..to anyone! You knew!

You knew how to turn it off!

There's an off switch.

There's always an off switch.

Terrorists can get into all sorts of problems

unless there's an off switch.

-So why did you let me go through all that?!

-I didn't lie altogether.

I've absolutely no idea how to turn any of these silly little lights off.

SHERLOCK GIGGLES

NOISE FROM WALKIE TALKIES

-And you did call the police?

-Of course I called the police.

I'm definitely going to kill you!

Oh, please. Killing me, that's so two years ago.

SHERLOCK LAUGHS

GUN COCKS

MUSIC: "Do You Hear The People Sing" from Les Miserables

-MYCROFT:

-'Sherlock, please, I beg of you.

'You can take over at the interval.'

Oh, I'm sorry, brother dear, but you made a promise.

Nothing I can do to help.

'But you don't understand the pain of it, the horror.'

Come on, you'll have to go down, they want the story.

In a minute.

I'm really pleased, Mary. Have you set a date?

-Well, we thought May.

-Ah, a spring wedding.

-Yeah.

-Well, once we've actually got engaged.

-Yeah.

-We were interrupted last time.

-Yeah.

-Well, I can't wait.

You will be there, Sherlock?

Weddings, not really my thing.

-Hello, everyone.

-Hello, Molly.

-This is Tom. Tom, this is everyone.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-It's really nice to meet you all. Hi.

Wow! Yeah, hi, I'm John, good to meet you.

-Ready?

-Ready.

Champagne?

Yes.

Thanks.

Thank you.

-Sit down, love.

-Oh, thanks.

So um...

Is it serious, you two?

Yeah. I've moved on.

Did you...?

-I'm not saying a word.

-No, best not.

-But I'm still waiting.

-Hmm?

Why did they try and kill me?

If they knew you were onto them, why come after me?

Put me in a bonfire?