How to Catch a Lobster The Coroner

"But such a tide as moving seems asleep,

"too full for sound and foam,

"when that which drew from out the boundless deep turns again home.

"Twilight and evening bell, and after that the dark,

"and may there be no sadness or farewell when I embark."

"For though from out our bourne of time and place,

"the flood may bear me far,

"I hope to see my Pilot face to face,

"when I have crossed the bar."

Ashes to ashes,

dust to dust.

We now commit Margaret Crighton to the deep.

May she rest in peace.

BELL CHIMES

DOG BARKS

Gross.

Yep. OK. No worries. Is, is Davey there yet?

OK, well, I'll be 15 minutes, just hold tight.

Well, put a jumper on, then. Just hold tight, hang ten,

whatever it is you do, Clint.

-They've found another one?

-Yeah.

-What, that's, like, two in as many weeks?

-Three.

-Where's this one?

-Greyrock Point.

Clint was out surfing and he stumbled on it.

-Oooh, that's nice.

-Is that silk or...?

-Satin.

-It comes in red or silver.

-I'd go silver.

I'm not entirely sure this is appropriate

at breakfast time, Mother.

And this lot do same day delivery. It's a big night for Mick, so.

-And what's so special about tonight?

-Oh, you should come.

He's redone the menu at the Black Dog. Got some steaks in.

He's even caught some lobsters himself.

Big night for Mick downstairs, I thought we'd celebrate upstairs.

Well, I if I'm done in time, I'll come.

-Gran, look, this is the barcode tattoo I'm getting.

-If I approve.

You scan it on the phone, it pings and displays my name.

-Does it give you a price as well?

-Look, just text it to me

and I'll consider it.

If it's really nice, might get the same myself.

-And me.

-Really?!

-BOTH:

-Keys!

-Morning, Johnny Utah.

-Who?

Tell me you've seen Point Break.

I'm not into snooker.

-Who's washed up this time?

-They're pretty far gone.

-Male or female?

-Male, I think.

-The fish have had a really good go.

-Did you find it?

No, a lady walking her dog. I was catching the swell.

The dog walker's with the police now.

-Has he been down asking questions?

-Who?

Journo with the long-lens on the bluff.

-I didn't realise the press were here.

-Oh, yeah.

Top story in the Lighthaven Star.

-HE LAUGHS

-Is that me?!

Finally a cover girl. Right, come on, let's have a look.

-Uhh...

-Are you all right?

Yeah. Well, no. It's just...

-Quite glad I haven't eaten.

-Do you want to arrange the undertaker?

Thank you. Which one?

Uh, try Prince's. They're reliable.

And do me a favour - don't speak to the journo on the way up.

I don't want our office passing comment.

I've got a nine AM with the Devonshire Undertakers' Association,

so hopefully this'll be the last. But the papers will be all over it.

You think this is another botched sea-burial?

Lightning doesn't strike thrice.

-Morning. Morning.

-Morning.

-Morning, Jim.

-I'd like to report a missing person.

-OK. OK.

On to item two, uh, which is this...

SHE SLAMS DOOR Thanks for waiting.

Punctuality is the politeness of kings.

For those who don't know her, this is our coroner, Jane Kennedy.

I know everyone here, Bill. So, this is the problem.

Three in a month.

We need to talk about reforming the rules on sea-burials.

I hope that you're not suggesting

-those present are lacking in their jobs?

-It's possible.

I'm sorry, but everyone here takes a great deal

of professional pride in their work.

Well, these botched sea-burials could easily be undertakers

outside of your jurisdiction.

Or strong currents.

Why aren't they being hauled to an emergency general meeting?

It is a subject I've raised with the Coroner's Society

and it's not just here, but we can't ignore the fact it is happening here

and something needs to be done about it.

Look, it's not my job to say how people are disposed of.

If they want a traditional sea-burial, I'm all for it.

But what I won't support is a situation where unidentified bodies

keep turning up on my patch because of botched sea-burials.

-I can't have it.

-What do you propose?

The simplest thing would be to insist that all bodies

buried at sea are subjected to a DNA test.

-A voluntary test!

-For now.

Well, who's going to pay for that?

You would pass that onto the customer.

Undertaking is a highly competitive...undertaking.

If we raise our rates,

our customers may well take their business elsewhere.

You could all raise your rates.

That would be price-fixing, which is illegal.

And, in case you hadn't noticed, we've just come out of a recession.

I did catch the news, yes.

Or...why don't pay for it?

My office barely has enough money to keep the lights on, Bill.

You of all people should know that.

Voluntary DNA testing isn't going to work.

You could lobby to make DNA testing law.

That would require a change in national legislation.

And, as a councillor, you would be in a perfect position to throw

some of your weight that way.

I don't see why those who are recently bereaved have to

submit their lost loved one to an invasion of their privacy.

It's a tiny sample.

It's the principle. It's an invasion of their human rights.

I'm not entirely sure dead bodies have human rights.

I think you'll find if you ask a lawyer...

I don't need to ask a lawyer, Bill, I am one. And when I was appearing

at the Supreme Court, they most certainly didn't.

Well you're not in London now.

You won't consider passing this on to your customers?

Then perhaps it's time I conducted a review of which undertakers

I use in the future.

So, who's missing?

-My boyfriend.

-And when was the last time you saw him?

Like...like, about a week.

Be good to be precise about that.

Uh, Sunday. It was a week ago on Sunday.

Ten days. That's a long time.

Well, he does that. He leaves home and takes off sailing

-when he wants to clear his head, like, you know.

-Sailing?

-Yeah, he went sailing - boat's gone.

-What kind of boat is it?

A National 12. A blue wooden hull.

It's called Hispaniola.

Does he sail it on his own?

Yeah, I can't stand the water.

-And how often does he go out?

-Once, twice a month.

-So, he's fairly experienced, you'd say? Thanks.

-Very.

Has he gone off unexpectedly before, is that right?

Yeah, but never for this long. Always calls.

-How's his health?

-Why?

Well, does he suffer from epilepsy, anything like that?

No, he's fine. Do you think he's drowned?

Well, if he's come off his boat, we'd expect to find the wreckage.

They can't sail themselves.

And I haven't had any reports like that from the Coastguard,

-but I'll double check.

-Has been pretty stormy of late.

When you say "clear his head", what do you mean by that?

Oh, he, he gets himself into scrapes.

-Trouble?

-Yeah, gets himself into trouble, like. With you lot.

What's his name?

Burton.

Kevin Burton.

Your fella is Kevin Burton?

You know him?

I do.

Mate, I said "no comment."

Jane, here's your list of those gone in the night,

and you've missed your ten AM

-with the Bereavement Officer.

-I'll call her.

These are from the community, all natural causes apart from that one,

which is an RTC, but they weren't a donor.

Here's your post, and don't forget you've got court at half four.

I've had lots of calls from the press but I've said "no comment."

-Good.

-That journalist has been hanging about.

I told him you weren't going to be passing comment,

-but he's pretty persistent. And, uh, Davey's here.

-Thank you.

Hey, Clint? Nice pic online.

Cheers. Getting one framed for Mum. She's really proud.

-Thought you said he wasn't efficient.

-He isn't.

Apparently the storms brought a big swell

and he wants to clock off by lunch.

Which isn't going to happen. If this is a social call, can it wait?

Tell me about that body that's washed up.

How long was it in the water?

Uh, I don't have the PM yet, but bodies rot pretty quickly

when they've been exposed.

This one's particularly grim. Looks like the marshmallow man.

-Have you got any ID?

-It's further gone than the other ones.

-Getting an ID from it's going to take a miracle.

-All right.

-Could it be this guy?

-Honestly, the fish had a right go.

All his clothes were torn off by bloating.

The only thing on him was his watch.

Well, this is Kevin Burton. He's a troublemaker.

Rubs people up the wrong way, gets into fights.

I've picked him up a few times but he's never been charged.

He's missing.

He went sailing ten days ago and he hasn't come back.

My bloat'n'float's a botched sea-burial.

Well, if it's this guy, it's my bloat'n'float.

-Body's mine, not yours.

-It was stormy when he went out.

If you've arrested him, don't you have his DNA in your system?

Yeah, we should, but... I can't find it.

I'm going to chase up the National Database,

-but I'm pretty sure this is my man.

-My man.

Maybe your man had a blow out with his girlfriend

-and has just gone off for some space.

-Or maybe he's lying in the mortuary.

Or maybe you should check out his place of work.

Well, I'm going now.

-You all right?

-Fine.

Just don't want to talk to that flipping journalist out there.

-Well, don't.

-I can't exactly avoid him, Davey,

he's camped outside my office.

Well, get out of your office.

I'm going to the Hippodrome Casino.

I don't like to gamble before lunch.

Well, Burton worked security there.

Come on. Prove me wrong.

All right. Maybe a quick flutter.

Excuse me, love. I'm looking for a Harvey Campbell.

-Do you know where I can find him?

-Out back.

-That way, yeah?

-That way.

-Thanks.

Seven.

Harvey Campbell?

I'm DS Higgins.

This is my colleague, Jane Kennedy.

-We're looking for a Kevin Burton.

-Eight.

We understand he works here.

Nine.

-Ten!

-Burton.

-What about him?

-Have you seen him?

You think he'd come back here? Please.

When was the last time you did?

He worked his shift that Saturday,

then that's it.

Gone. Vanished.

Has he ever missed work before?

Too precise for that. Burton have a sportsman mentality.

In the last three years, he never missed a day.

-So, you'd say you know him well?

-Should do.

I promoted him for long enough.

He's a good fighter.

Hands like shovels.

-Burton's a boxer?

-Was.

Could lift more than me.

And I'm pretty big.

Look...it's not a crime till someone reports it, right?

And I haven't.

So who grassed me up?

What makes you think it's a crime, Mr Campbell?

The money.

We're just investigating a missing person.

All right, look.

Every weekend, a security van comes

and collects the casino's earnings...

and, a week ago Saturday,

75 grand went missing

between the front door and that van.

And Burton was on security?

Looks and brains.

So why didn't you report that?

I probably should have done.

Yeah.

-Do you want to make a statement?

-No, thank you.

I'll take care of it.

Well, how about you leave the law and order side of things to me?

And how about you just leave and go back to your station?

You can stay, if you like.

Good morning, Mr Campbell.

Yo.

Look, the police catch a sniff of Burton.

Yeah? So come down here - fast.

Right, so, an exemplary employee goes missing from work

the same day as he goes missing from home,

after going sailing,

and, ten days later, a body washes up,

and he's the suspect in a robbery.

A robbery that's not been officially reported.

All right, he's the suspect in a suspected robbery, then.

My gut still says it's a botched sea-burial - not Burton.

Well, mine doesn't.

Cheers, mate.

Thanks.

-PM's ready.

-Great, thanks. Oh, is that journalist still here?

Oh, he's not leaving till he gets your comment.

Not going to happen. Right, let's see the body.

-If that's everything, I'm going to nip out.

-Uh...

Maybe you're just clinging on to your view cos you're cheesed off

with the Undertakers' Association.

-Maybe three in a month's a pattern I can't ignore.

-All right, well,

you follow your gut, I'll follow mine,

-but I'm telling you - I'm right.

-And what's at stake?

How about a steak?

-Off Mick's new menu?

-All right, you're on.

Clint, I want you to doorstop all the undertakers

registered on our books to perform sea-burials.

Get descriptions and historys of all sea-burials in the last two months.

-Well, can't I just call them?

-No. They'll evade.

-There can only be half a dozen in the whole county.

-But that's miles.

-You can go surfing tomorrow.

-The swell will be over tomorrow.

Well, you're on my time, Clint, not yours.

Keep me posted on what you find.

Oh, and, Clint?

Beware Greeks bearing gifts.

Thanks.

Right.

Decomposition consistent with immersion at sea.

Extensive PM predation by sea creatures

rendering ID impossible at this stage.

Excellent.

-How old?

-Uh, says, by the pink teeth, 30s or 40s.

Tick.

Time of death?

Anything up to a fortnight ago.

Tick again.

Hello.

What's it say on the teeth?

Missing cuspid on upper right.

Right, and who misses their teeth?

-Uh, sugar addicts.

-Sugar Ray Leonards, more like - boxers.

Tick, tick, tick. And he's a big lad, too.

Well, once a body's been exposed like this,

you can't tell how muscly they were.

Especially when they're this inflated by death gasses.

-Hold on.

-What?

-"Cause of death..."

-Drowning.

-"Cause of death - blunt trauma to basal skull

"and upper cervical vertebrae.

"Traumatic basal subarachnoid haemorrhage, as a consequence."

OK, so Burton steals money,

gets chased down by the heavies,

they whack him on the back of the head with a baseball bat

-and chuck him into the sea.

-Still don't have DNA.

Oh, come on. You're clutching at straws.

Right, anything else?

Just his personal effects - the watch that was on him.

Pretty fancy for a security guard.

Well, not if it's a fake.

Look. They've spelt Rolex wrong.

-What's that sound?

-Hmm?

Sounds like...sizzling.

And that smell, it's like...

..steak.

Mmm, steak!

Do you reckon Mick could knock up a bearnaise sauce?

Those peppercorns, they give me heartburn.

It's not necessarily murder. Could be a bad gybe.

You turn a boat the wrong way, the boom rips right across,

-could easily clatter you at head-height.

-But our bet's not on

whether it's a murder or not, it's whether that's Kevin Burton

in there, benchpressing his own coffin lid.

I'm not buying you a steak till we get confirmation on the DNA.

Right, OK, Better go and see his missus, then.

Can I help?

Uh, do you do sea-burials?

-Indeed.

-I don't suppose I could have a list

of all the ones you've done in the last month, could I?

-Which rag are you from? Which newspaper?

-I'm not.

Well, it's not us, OK? There's no need to blame...

-I'm from the coroner's office.

-Oh, why didn't you say so, sweetie?!

You don't look much like a coroner to me.

So, how are they supposed to look?!

Somehow, more...wizened and sinewed.

So, uh, can I have the records, please?

-Would you like a drink? Cup of tea or a fruity juice?

-No, thanks.

A slice of cake? Freshly baked.

Gateau - Death by Chocolate.

Just the records for whatever sea-burials you've done

-in the last month.

-All right, hold the fort.

You must forgive my tone - we've had hell from the press all day.

Ah. Here they are. There are two.

The last one we did was this morning.

Margaret Crighton - lovely lady, but dead.

-Thanks.

-You will take care of them, won't you, sweetie?

And you give my very warmest to Jane?

-In fact, why don't you give her the cake?

-No, thanks.

-Really, I insist.

-No, seriously.

-I insist.

OK. Thanks for the files.

Any time. Come again. Ooh!

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

All right.

LOUD DANCE MUSIC

-Can we come in?

-You've found a body, I've seen it on the news.

We've found a body, but we don't know who it is.

-It's him.

-We don't know that yet.

-I'm going half crazy here -

-phone's ringing off the hook.

-Well, if you like, I can arrange for

-a family liaison officer to be with you?

-Uh, no.

No, no, I'd, uh, I'd rather be on my own.

If it's all right with you, we'd like to do a DNA check.

-What will you need?

-Best thing would be for us to contact his mum.

She died - 2005.

Oh, I'm sorry.

So who would be his next of kin?

Well, I...I guess that's me.

You don't share DNA with him, so perhaps we can take something of his?

-Uh, toothbrushes are best.

-Ah, he took it with him sailing.

Well, does he have a cup or a glass that he uses, you know,

-maybe by the side of the...

-He hasn't.

-Could you check?

I washed it up. I'm a clean freak.

Well, if there is anything that you can think of that might help us

-identify him, perhaps you could bring it in.

-I'll do my best.

Was he missing any teeth?

No. No, I don't think so.

-You're sure?

-Yeah.

-Did he wear a watch?

-Yes, he did. It was a Rolex.

I got it for him. It was a fake. Not that he knew.

Fake Rolex. Shall we?

One last thing. What colour were his eyes?

I don't know.

OK. Thanks, Dora. We'll be in touch.

Maybe there was a struggle on the boat and his tooth was knocked out.

Or his tooth was knocked out during a bad...gybe,

or whatever it is you call it.

-What about the colour of his eyes?

-What about them?

Well, she would know.

Maybe she's colour-blind.

Women can't be colour-blind, Davey.

That's a porkie, ain't it?

OK.

But everyone knows the colour of their partner's eyes.

-Davey, tell me you know the colour of Annette's eyes.

-Course!

-What colour are they?

-I don't know.

-Never admit that. Ever.

-I know what colour your eyes are.

Never admit that either.

PHONE RINGS

-Inspector Observant's phone.

-Give me that.

He's driving. It's Jane.

Yes, that one.

OK.

Yep. OK, got that. Thanks.

They've found a boat.

You seen we've got a shadow?

Yeah. That'll be one of Campbell's.

Right, there's your boat.

Shall we?

How did it get here?

It fell out the sky?

I mean, the body's 12 miles away - how can the boat be here

and the body be over there?

Maybe it sailed on without him?

-Sir?

-Yeah?

All right, thanks.

"Hispaniola."

-I'll get Mick to heat up a pan, shall I?

-Yeah.

-Thanks, mate.

-Thank you.

-Oh, come on, Calamity, don't look so glum.

-I'm not.

You've still got a body, and it's a murder -

that's far more exciting than someone falling overboard.

If you'd stolen 75 grand,

would you really jump into a boat and sail away?

-And in a storm? You just wouldn't.

-Well, I don't know.

Maybe he wanted to keep a low profile.

There's not a lot of CCTV at sea, is there?

Just sticks in my throat.

Not as much as that steak's going to. You just don't like losing,

-that's all.

-Can you take a left up here? I'm going to work from home.

All right, you don't have to buy me a steak, it's all right.

We made a deal, it's fine. I'll stick to it.

You can do me a favour, though, and put me out of my misery

by getting that DNA match. Must be in by now.

Can I help you, son?

I'm from the Coroner's Office in Lighthaven.

-I understand you do sea-burials.

-I do, yes.

Have you had any in the last month?

PHONE RINGS

Oh. Would you, um...

Just one minute.

Hello?

Eh?

Canine.

It's gone.

Yes, I'm certain.

Okey dokey.

Right. Where were we?

Dog person?

You know.

Oh, yes. Dog's gone missing.

Sorry about that.

We do do sea-burials, yes.

Oh, good. Can I see the files?

You can. In fact, we've had a couple over the past month.

-Couple of ladies. I'll just...

-Ladies?

-Yes. Why?

-Ah, doesn't matter.

-No, it's no trouble.

-No, it's cool. Thanks, though.

Hey, I hope your dog comes back.

I love dogs.

So!

You're an Plymouth Argyle supporter, eh?

Yeah.

I'm a Pilgrim, too, for my sins.

You a season ticket holder?

No, I just sort of go when I can.

Well, if you're looking for freebies,

I've got a pal who's got a box.

I'm sure he'd let you have it for free if he's not using it.

-You serious?

-Of course!

Here. Let me give you my number.

Be sure and give my best to Jane.

Make sure she sends some business in my direction.

So, I know when you died...

and I know how you died...

but if you could tell me where you died, or, better still, who you are,

that would be a big help.

OK, let's say it is you. You stole some money

and thought you'd sail away,

but someone caught up with you and tossed you overboard.

I mean, really? Look at the size of you.

And you'd risk everything for 75 grand?

And there's your girlfriend, who doesn't seem to know

if you're missing any teeth,

can't remember the colour of your eyes and buys you fake gifts?

Doesn't fit, does it?

None of it...fits.

HOLD MUSIC ON PHONE

Hello, National DNA Database.

Hello!

Hello, there. It's DS Higgins from Lighthaven Police.

I'm having trouble with a file.

Yeah, a Kevin Burton.

I'm pretty sure we've done a DNA test on him in the past,

but it's not showing.

Yeah, uh, he was arrested,

but not charged back in June 2012.

Now, I don't know if that's a glitch or...

Deleted?

And you caught it yourself?

People don't catch lobsters. They catch themselves in the traps.

How're you going to kill it?

I'm not sure yet.

Mum, close your eyes a sec.

Have you got a present for me? I love surprises.

Mick, what colour are Mum's eyes?

Ah, I don't spend a lot of time looking at her eyes.

But blue. Blue as a summer sky.

I got such a treat for you later.

If you don't know the colour of your lover's eyes you've got no

-business knowing her otherwise.

-PHONE RINGS

You know, in the biblical sense.

Excuse me. Davey.

OK, I'll meet you there.

BELL RINGS

Can I speak to the undertaker, please?

You're looking at her.

I'm from the Coroner's Office and...

And you've come about those botched sea-burials.

Well, we haven't done any.

We don't have the custom.

You mean you don't do them?

No, I mean we don't have that kind of customer.

The rich kind.

OK. Thanks for your time.

I won't pay to be in your pocket.

Why would you pay to be in my pocket?

We get our business two ways.

The first's when you call us.

Let's say a person dies in a road accident.

Police are called and they contact your boss who then calls

an undertaker to remove the body.

I know how the job works.

That's the most valuable call in this business

because when that person's loved one organises the funeral,

they'll need an undertaker to prepare things.

And your everyday Joe Public doesn't know a great

number of undertakers so they tend not to shop around.

So they use the undertaker the coroner calls.

Pays to be in her pocket.

Yeah, well, Jane's honest.

Not suggesting she isn't.

But she could cast the net wider.

There're a lot of undertakers in this area,

but she's only got a handful on speed-dial.

That breeds complacency.

Maybe that's why these bodies keep floating up.

Let me see what I can do.

I don't want preferential treatment.

I just want it to be a fair distribution of work.

Well, to be honest with you, you're the only person I've met

today who hasn't tried to scratch my back.

See what I mean?

What's your number?

Don't get yourself mixed up in gambling.

I lost my first husband to the horses.

Hey.

Ooh, you shouldn't have.

Hey. I didn't.

Right, OK, so they keep DNA for three years.

What?! I thought they kept it forever.

Used to, now it's three years. After that, if you want it cleaned,

you just fill out a form and we have to ditch it.

-Yeah, but Kevin Burton was arrested.

-Yeah, but he wasn't charged.

That was back in 2012, three years ago, right?

And when did they ask to have his record cleaned?

The first of last month.

So, I checked his dental records, nothing there either.

Well, if he wanted to vanish, he's doing a good job.

Yeah, still doesn't explain the Rolex.

I mean, if that body isn't Burton, how come it's wearing Dora's fake?

You see, I don't think it is Burton's watch.

Look, give us your wrist.

How can a heavyweight boxer have thinner wrists than you?

Hands like shovels, he said.

Come on, I'm pretty tough, I can lift some weights.

Davey, the only thing you ever lift is a pint glass.

Dora's not giving us the full picture.

Well, she's clearly not going to give us any DNA voluntarily, is she,

-so, maybe I can get a warrant, try and trap her that way.

-TEXT ALERT

Have you ever caught a lobster?

Eh?

You don't catch a lobster. You let it catch itself.

In a trap.

Hey! You'll get fat!

Hi, Dora.

I'm afraid we still haven't managed to identify the body.

Oh, what more do you need?

Well, are there any identifying features that you can think of?

Yeah. Yeah, his tooth.

I can't think why I didn't think of this before.

He's got a false tooth there. I think it's called a ca...nine?

It got knocked out in a boxing match.

Well, it's up to me to confirm that

the body we've discovered is Kevin Burtons.

To be certain I need you to tell me whether he had any tattoos.

Tattoos?

Perhaps like this one?

A tattoo of a barcode on his right hip?

Yeah, I, I think he did. Yeah.

Do you have any photos of that tattoo?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, that's a shame, because if you did

I'd be able to sign the death certificate.

Well, I'll see what I can do.

Be in touch as soon as you can.

SHE SIGHS

Come on, Dora.

You do realise that if she drops herself in it,

we're still left with an unidentified body?

I do, but there's a big upside for me.

What's that?

Free steak. DOOR OPENS

Four sea-burials from two undertakers,

but none match your man.

Which ones were they?

These two were done by Gravelle's in Brixham

and Prince's in Torquay did two, but they were both females, so.

Nothing out of the ordinary?

Not to do with the burials. Sorry.

Prince likes a flutter but that's no crime.

-Likes a what?

-Flutter.

He gave me his number on the back of a casino chit.

Which casino?

The Hippodrome.

COMPUTER CHIMES

When it rains...

She's e-mailed?

What a lovely picture of Kevin Burton and a barcode tattoo.

Has she done that with a biro?

She puts the artist into escape artist.

Have you identified the dead body?

We've identified A body.

Yeah, but it's not dead.

Tell me about your relationship with Kevin Burton.

I don't have one.

Have you ever been to the Hippodrome Casino?

No. I don't think so.

Would you like to have a look at the video, please?

Is this you,

on the night of July the 12th 2012, at the Hippodrome Casino?

I don't remember.

Is this you on that same night having one too many?

And is this you being thrown out of the Hippodrome Casino

by Kevin Burton on the same night?

Now, the Coroner tells me that you've always done exemplary work.

Look, I didn't...

I didn't mean for any of this to happen.

What happened?

Well, my... my wife, she died and I went...

..off the rails.

Gambling made me feel good, but before I knew it

I was in so much debt.

It was his idea. Burton.

He knew what I did for a living. He used to call me The Man In Black.

So, what part did you play in the robbery?

Nothing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. I didn't steal,

I didn't steal anything. I just...helped him...disappear.

By botching sea-burials.

I only did one.

You see, I saw on the news about those two bodies that had

floated up and I thought, well, why not another one?

You see, he said to me that

if I'd make it look like he'd died then he'd pay off all my debts.

So I put some stuff on a corpse that came my way and I went

and dropped it off the headland.

You see, I knew that when that body washed up it'd be next to

impossible for you to identify that it wasn't him.

-And without DNA...

-HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS

PRINCE CHUCKLES

So who's body was it?

Theodore Rosenstein.

He was a terrible alcoholic.

Homeless.

He broke his neck falling off a bench.

And what about the other bodies?

Not mine.

No, no, someone else is out there doing sea-burials on the cheap,

but your Coroner, she's on to that.

-WHISPERS:

-I wouldn't mess with her if I was you.

Tell me about it.

SIREN IN DISTANCE

Hey, wait!

It's DS Higgins. All units. In pursuit of Kevin Burton.

He's running!

TYRES SQUEAL

Come here! Where's my money?!

Where's my £75,000?

-Where's my money?

-Hey! Don't even think about it.

Don't even think about it. Hand him over.

Hand him over!

You're pretty fast for a dead man.

And lucky.

Hands behind your back.

-Here she comes.

-OK.

Good news or bad news?

You what?

Good news is, your boyfriend's still alive.

The bad news is, you're about to be arrested

for perverting the course of justice.

I do have one question, though.

Did you move the boat to the rocks before or after you

reported him missing?

Oh, come on, you deal with dead things all the time.

Must be second nature by now.

I don't kill stuff, Mick, it's dead when it arrives.

Mick? Before it gets too busy, Mick!

Davey!

Yeah?

Davey, here. You'll kill Jeff for me, won't you?

Why, what's he done?

Jeff's Mick's lobster. Someone's ordered him and Mick's too chicken.

It's just, we've become quite attached.

You shouldn't've given it a name.

I'm telling you, as soon as you give something a name.

Just cut its head off.

That's cruel. Drop it in boiling water.

Here, look, Davey, if you take care of Jeff

your steaks are on the house.

Michael Sturrock. What I've got under here is pretty hot.

If you don't come upstairs right now and take it off me,

you're getting Jeffed too.

Mind the bar for me.

I'm underage.

I'll only be a minute.

Right, come on then, Jeff.

Close all your eyes.

I can't.

-Mum, do the bar.

-Why, where are you going?

I'm breaking Jeff out of this prison.

He's going back into the sea.

Did you get anything out of Burton?

Yep. Full confession.

How did you get him to talk?

Oh, I just told him his girlfriend

couldn't remember what colour his eyes are.

So I'm pretty sure that's not going to last.

And green, by the way, Annette's eyes, they're green,

-I just, you know, temporarily forgot.

-Course you did.

Yeah, and why would you forget something like that?

-So, er, I'll have a pint, please. On the house?

-Oh.

Bye, Jeff.

All rise for Her Majesty's Coroner.