The Comedy Prom BBC Proms


The Comedy Prom

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This programme contains adult humour. Tonight's Prom looks set to

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be unlike anything that you've seen or indeed are likely to see this

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season. Hosted by musician, actor and all round comedy rock God, Tim

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Minchim, who Jones me now. Tim, how will it go tonight? I don't know. I

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don't know what's happening. I'm very late. I haven't learnt my

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liepbts lines. You are wuet beautiful. I love you. I don't know

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what's going to happen at all. Welcome to the BBC's, first ever,

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# I sit here as for 20 years I've sat.

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# Wearing my music critic's hat. # I mean, it's clearly not an act-

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-ual hat. # It's metaphorical.

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# And in those 20 years I'm sad. # To say these wondrous promenades.

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# Have gone from bard to worse to bad.

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# To even worse to bloody horrible. # I admit, I'm a bit of a classical

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music boffin. # And although I've said this often.

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# The final nail in the coffin of the Proms is clearly imminent.

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# Yes, we survived Nigel effing Kennedy.

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# But surely there's no earthly remedy.

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# For a night of so-called comedy. # Hosted by an immigrant.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Why they insist on this tosh,

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it's a mystery. # Laughter and classical music

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don't mix you see. # 160 years of history.

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# Tossed away for a cheap gaffaw! # One of our country's greatest

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traditions. # Some of our nation's finest

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musicians. # Forced into hu-miliating

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positions. # Is nothing sacred any more?

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# Classical music should always be. # Performed, well, you know,

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classically. # With suitably solemn solemnity,

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and usually in three quarters. # Now we have this, this "comedy

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prom". # It's all boom-tish and pom pom

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pom. # What are these BBC idiots on?

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# Is nothing sacred any more? # I remember, it seems like

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yesterday. # Watching the greats who'd come to

:03:04.:03:14.
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play. # It was so magical and gay.

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# Back when gay meant something good.

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# I wish that I were back there once again.

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# When this orchestra were made of men.

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# And some patience and a penny. # Could give you Henry Wood.

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# (You would get Wood) # Oh, what Henry Wood would think.

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# If only Henry Wood could think. # Though he's extinct.

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# He would have died if he had seen this.

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# Endless rhymes and dirty puns. # People drumming with their

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tongues. # They think it funny.

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# Forcing divas to sing "penis". # Penis.

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# Penis # Get off

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# Penisboffins for opera # # I remember, it seems like

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yesterday. # When conductors were bearded and

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grey. # This little twerp is not yet

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shaving. # Or even looking at the score.

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# Is nothing sacred any more? # We used to care about the art.

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# I mean, honestly. # Look at this violinist's chart,.

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# It actually says "fart". # Nothing's sacred anymore.

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# The stories that inspired the greats of yore.

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# Sin, redemption and the Lord. # Heaven's glory and hell's fires.

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# The battle of the light against dar.

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# The timeless narratives of mad Mozart and boring Bach.

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# These days we just don't give a farch.

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# We are amoral and uninspired. # I reckon that it's time to start

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a new tradition. # Especially designed for us comic

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musicians. # We'll do it every year at the

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comedy prom. # It'll be our ritual from now on.

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# At the end of the prom. # Right, get this.

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# Before the lights come up. # I reckon all the prommers in the

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cheap seats. # Should take off their clothes and

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writhe naked on the floor. # While a member of the Royal

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family plays the theme from Doctor Who on a Keytar #. Yeah, seemed

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reasonable at the time. Welcome to the planet's first Comedy Prom, go

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insane. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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That was interesting. Something new. So, as, I'm sure you all know, the

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word, "Prom" is a shortening of the word Promenade, which is a type of

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drink. Like, lemonade, but instead of lemons it's made of... Prom...

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Egranites. Promegranite, as you know, of course, is a fruit, the

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flesh of which is the same colour as your lifr, because it's named

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after the -- liver, because it's named after the great myth of

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Prometheus, who was punished by Zeus for stealing fire. His

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punishment was to be tied to a rock for eternity, that's where the

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granite comes from in promegranite. The Eagles were sent down to peck

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out his liver, therefore, Promenade and the drink promenade, which

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Henry would have loved. Could you ask him, he promenade and thought

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it was nice and frizzy. Therefore, he named his series of concert,

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classical concerts after... Tonight, you will see classical pianists,

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opera singers, puppets, a rapper, a beat-boxer, a mime artist -

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especially, for the Radio 3 listeners at home.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And me, Tim Minchim, who has been

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engadgeed on the promise that I won't -- engadgeed on the promise

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that I won't - - a few people realised it was me. I have been

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engaedgeed on the promise that I won't swear or talk about Jesus or

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mention the riots. Damn. Because, this is a promenade we want to keep

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it fizzy. Your first guest tonight was a successful rapper. He played

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with people like Mark Ronson, Lily Allen and the late Amy Winehouse.

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In 200, he turned his hand to comedy. He now plays with the likes

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of me. Interesting career move. Please welcome, the absolutely

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lovely, and funny, Doc Brown. Yeah, OK. This is a special moment

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for me, man. You know, I always dreamed of being, like, the most

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famous British rapper since, like, John Barnes. Now, like, with this

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gig, I felt, it could be tricky, you know, because a lot of people

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they really, they really, really hate rap. You know. I'm used to a

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bit of animosity. I've been to Kent. So, you know - I was thinking like,

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what should I rap about, in this situation? What should I rap about?

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Politics maybe. I'm way too much of a fence sitter when it comes to

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politics. I would be like, "for get Nick Clegg, he's a wannabe, however

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I do agree with some of his policies". That's in good. Street

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crime. I can't really get into. That I have never been a criminal

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of any kind. Never been to prison. I never was one of those kids who

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would forcibly do jail time to beef up my street cred. I don't think I

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could maintain the hard facade. Even just using words like,

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"facade" would probably blow my cover.. I figure, it's the Royal

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Albert Hall. I'm at the Proms. It doesn't get any more British than

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that. I figured I would rap about a British institution. OK. I figured,

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look, I'm living my dream right now. That is how I feel, I'm living the

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dream. I want to share my dreams with you. OK.

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# Everybody got a fantasy. # A mad scheme.

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# A crazy plan, a dream that we could make reality.

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# Maybe my plan's sad. # But since I was a lad, I wished

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David Attenborough was my granddad. # You look at me like.

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# "This man's mad! # Get a cat scan!

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# You're one horn short of a Jazz band!"

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# Yeah, it may seem strange for a rap fan.

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# To wish for Attenborough's voice on my sat-nav.

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# He'd be my guide. # I'd be Robin to his Batman.

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# I'd help him research wolfcubs in Lapland.

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# I'd be like "Granddad, I saw another one!"

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# He'd give me a handclap because that man's a living legend.

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# The best yet. # He was flipping old when I was

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little, still isn't dead yet. # And when he pops his clogs, I'll

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be crestfallen. # He never sat me on his knee for a

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bed story. # Wish I could just put him on.

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# As a very special vocal guest on a song.

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# Have him do a little cameo feature saying.

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# "Doc Brown's an incredible creature".

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# Imagine that? # Of all my crew, I wish

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Attenborough had my back. # We could spend a beautiful future

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together. # He could dumb it down for me.

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# I could get clever. # Tell him all about rap and girls.

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# He could tell me all the facts of the world.

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# What's the chances he'd be listening to some little rap?

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# He probably thinks it's all bitches n' stuff.

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# Dave, it's so much more. # I aspire to have lyrics like

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yours. # I'd love to rap about panthers

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that ran fast. # Damn, I wish Attenborough was my

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# You can but dream # You can but dream... #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you. I know a lot

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of you think I might have been joking. Some of you may have felt

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that you just witnessed a man having a mini-break down. But, no,

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I'm serious. For get rappers, Attenborough, to me, is the

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greatest living lir cyst there is. You know why? Anything he in a

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rates. Anything that he in a rates, for me shall I think I can relate

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to it. I don't know if you seen any of his shows. You will know what I

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mean. IN ATTENBOROUGH'S VOICE Alone, the giant Pacific octopus scours

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the seabed, in search of the perfect den. It must be perfect,

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for it's going to be her home for the next six months. She's carrying

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fertilised eggs. And now, happy and settled she lays them, 100,000 of

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them. Over the next six months she carefully tends to her brood, never

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leaving the den for a moment. THUS, unable to leave, she's starving.

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Many of these young will not reach adulthood, but she's giving them

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the best possible chance. Her final act of devotion, gently blowing

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warm water over the surface of the eggs to encourage them to hatch.

:14:13.:14:23.
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Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds

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After her long, and lonely vigil, Then I was sat there looking at

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that television. Wow! This guy knows exactly how it is for single

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Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Doc Brown. APPLAUSE. Our guest conductor is no

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stranger to the Proms, having performed to over 30,000 people in

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Hyde Park as part of the BBC's Last Night of The Proms coverage in 2008.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Sue Perkins!

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APPLAUSE. There is an old saying, you play

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the Royal Albert Hall twice in your career, once on the way up, once on

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the way down. I always thought when I played this

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place again, I would be in a breastplate, in horns. And being

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forced to saying the word, penis. I am being heckled by a woodland

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creature. I and Nelson the fox. I am an enormous fan. I have seen all

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of your work. Of course, Maestro, the conducting Competition were you

:16:45.:16:55.
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beat Goldie. I did actually meet Goldie the Where do you stand on

:16:58.:17:08.
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toxoplasmosis? As far away as possible! We are not so different.

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We are erudite. We have both paraded in his late at night. Been

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chased by packs of angry dogs. We have both bitten children now and

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then. This might seem like a crazy suggestion. But I will say it

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anyway. We are out the Royal Albert Hall. Would you like to sing a song

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from The Mongrels? Here's: Middleclass Is Magical, from the

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multi-award-winning hit BBC Three # A safe world free from strife

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# Let bad things happen to other folk while you read Country Life.

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# Buy an Aga. # Wear a Monsoon dress.

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# Get your food from M&S. # Own an iPhone.

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# Watch Bear Grylls. # Take anti-depressant pills.

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# Middle class is magical. # Drive a 4x4 to school.

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# Keep three sorts of hummus in your fridge.

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# Makeover your downstairs loo. # Learn to salsa.

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# Ski in Verbier. # Drink too much Chilean Chardonnay.

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# Ignore the homeless. # Don't mind burkhas.

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# When all the world is middle class.

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# There'll be no poverty or starvation.

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# Cos we'll all grow our own mange tout.

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# And Myleene Klass will rule the nation.

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# Because: middle class is magical. # Join us and you'll see.

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# You're already half-way there because you're not watching ITV!

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# Yes, middle class is magical. # What matters is what we wear.

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# Let's pay someone else to do the difficult jobs.

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# While we work on our hair! # Middle class is magical Yeah!

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APPLAUSE. 8. TIM INTRO TO LULLABY. This is a lullaby. I wrote it for

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# Sleep little baby, sleep now my love.

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# The Milky Way's shining high up above.

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# When you grow up, you will learn all that stuff.

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# But for now, close your eyes. # Close your eyes.

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# Sleep little baby, try not to squawk.

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# Tomorrow and tomorrow you'll learn how to walk.

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# To love and laugh, to eat toast and talk.

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# But for now, beddy-byes. # Your blanket's hand-knitted with

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pure angora wool. # Your nappy is dry and your tummy

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is full. # Of enough antihistamine to

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placate a bull. # Yet still all this gringeing.

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# What more could you want for? I just cannot guess.

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# You constantly complain to me, when you should feel blessed.

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# There are children in Africa, starving to death.

:21:28.:21:38.
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# And you don't hear them whingeing. # What more can I do to put a stop

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to this mind numbing noise you are making?

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# Where is the line between patting and hitting?

:21:52.:21:59.

# When is rocking "rocking" and when is it "shaking"?

:21:59.:22:03.

# I don't know what else I can try to try to hush you.

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# My heart knows I love you but my brain's saying (BLEEP) you.

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# And hoping a child trafficker will abduct you.

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# At least then I'd get a few hours in bed.

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# I've shooshed and I've cooed and I've even try to sing:

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# Obladi, oblada, in the exact voice of Ringo.

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# Now all I have left is to hope that a dingo will sneak in and rip

:22:30.:22:40.
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# Hush little baby, don't say a word.

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# Papa's gonna buy you a mocking bird.

:23:14.:23:20.

# In the hope you get avian flu. # The nice folk in A&E will take

:23:20.:23:30.
:23:30.:24:07.

# That's it, close you're eyes, sshhh, not a sound.

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# I can barely see your tiny chest move up and down.

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# One thing they don't mention in parenting books.

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# Your love for them grows, the closer to dead they look. APPLAUSE.

:24:22.:24:32.
:24:32.:24:47.

Ladies and gentlemen, please maintain and enhance your applause

:24:47.:24:50.

for the indescribable phenomenon that is: The Boy With Tape On His

:24:50.:25:00.
:25:00.:25:01.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds

:25:01.:30:54.

Sorry, I don't suppose I'll get many more opportunities to do that.

:30:54.:31:01.

APPLAUSE That is Light My Fire on the Royal

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Albert Hall organ, I think I can particular tick that off my bucket

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list. This next duo have been compared in the press to a modern-

:31:12.:31:17.

day Flanders and Swann. They have been all over the country. Really,

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the kind of act that represent everything a a Comedy Prom should

:31:20.:31:26.

be and would have been if my agent hadn't of slept with the Head of

:31:26.:31:36.
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Radio 3. Please welcome the beautiful kit and the Widow.

:31:46.:31:50.

Lavatory seats, I know the vandals are at the gates, but, Henry Wood

:31:51.:31:55.

must be spinning in his grave. Listen to that, we can hear him.

:31:55.:31:59.

Are we in the right place? There should be a found fountain.

:31:59.:32:08.

Somewhere here there should be a fountain. Did it get lost in the

:32:08.:32:13.

looting. First down market. No fountain we could help by trying to

:32:13.:32:20.

raise the tone. Raise the musical bar this is the Albert Hall and the

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Proms. We should include some music by the man who, is without question,

:32:24.:32:29.

the it greatest composer alive in this country. In this country and

:32:29.:32:36.

Europe and the world. His brother was playing his cello? There was a

:32:36.:32:44.

little bit of Holts. I refer, of course, to Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber,

:32:44.:32:54.
:32:54.:32:55.

may his tribe increase. He name is Lord Webber. I am not worthy.

:32:55.:33:00.

I am not worthy. These things are important. Since we seem to be

:33:00.:33:06.

chasing the Saturday night ratings what better to place - If you could

:33:06.:33:15.

remember that his name is Lord, Lord Lloyd Webber, baron of

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Sydmonton. He's styled Baron. Nothing to do with his musical

:33:19.:33:25.

imagination. He's styled Barren. His place is rightfully here. We

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will share with you tonight # You too can write a great West

:33:34.:33:41.

End score # Steal it from somebody else

:33:41.:33:45.

# The public will clamour, the public will roar

:33:45.:33:50.

# He they won't know the best tunes were written before

:33:50.:33:56.

# Prod their memories # With some musical aero

:33:56.:34:02.

# That sounds quite like bolero # And sits back as it sells

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# You too can write a great West End score

:34:06.:34:15.
:34:16.:34:17.

# Steal it from somebody else # Young Mendelssohn wrote this

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# Lovely violin tune # I don't know, but I love it

:34:24.:34:34.
:34:34.:34:37.

# I don't see why it moves me # Goldener Tro pft

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# Blattund Blatt # I bet Richard Strauss couldn't

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think of that # Open up your mind

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# Let your fantasies unwind # And if Puccini's Fanciulla sounds

:34:57.:35:04.

the same # Better that than rip-off La

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Boheme # You too can write a great West

:35:08.:35:10.

End score # Steal it from somebody else

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# It's very easy # Don't think it's strange

:35:12.:35:18.

# All you need is a piece from Bach # And no-one will know once you've

:35:18.:35:21.

made the odd change # It's an illusion

:35:21.:35:24.

# It's not as original as they all claim

:35:24.:35:31.

# It's the prelude in C all the time

:35:31.:35:37.

# But the royalties still stay stay the same

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# Wolltempierte Klavier # Fugue In E Major

:35:44.:35:54.
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# Sung high by Michael Ball # Love changes bugger all #

:35:56.:36:00.

Excuse me. Trouble. There is a disturbance. Security, we have

:36:00.:36:05.

trouble. Excuse me much I need to have a word with you. Do you know

:36:05.:36:14.

who this is? There is a rogue Bullock. Do we have a Matador in

:36:14.:36:23.

the house. What are you doing down there? I neat need a strict word

:36:23.:36:26.

with you. I can't concentrate when you are dressed like. That excuse

:36:26.:36:35.

me. What is this? Trousers. Trousers at the Albert Hall. You

:36:36.:36:41.

are a soprano. And? You are dressed like a mezzo. Excuse me. Do I look

:36:41.:36:48.

like the sort of girl who is about to break into a dark opera aria.

:36:48.:36:53.

Let's only hope not. Aren't you four weeks early? Into I'm getting

:36:53.:36:57.

practice. She is doing the last night, ladies and gentlemen. This

:36:57.:37:05.

is it. Meanwhile. I have the most marvellous song time song here.

:37:05.:37:13.

do now? Absolutely. I can't wait. Which one? This one. Ladies and

:37:13.:37:23.
:37:23.:37:38.

gentlemen, # Tall and slender like an apolo he

:37:38.:37:48.
:37:48.:37:48.

goes walking by # I have to follow him

:37:48.:37:54.

# The boy from Sondheim # When I meet I feel we are on fire

:37:54.:38:04.
:38:04.:38:07.

# I'm breathless every time I enquire

:38:07.:38:17.
:38:17.:38:19.

# Why when I speak does he vanish # Why is he acting so clanish

:38:19.:38:27.

# I wish I understoon stood Spanish # When I tell hem I think he's the

:38:27.:38:34.

# He giggles a lot with his friend # Tall and slender moves like a

:38:34.:38:37.

dancer # But I never to get any answer

:38:37.:38:47.
:38:47.:38:55.

# Why are his trousers vermillion? # His trousers are vermillion.

:38:55.:39:00.

# Why does he claim he's Castilian? # He thayth that he'th Cathtilian.

:39:00.:39:05.

# Why do his friends call him Lillian?

:39:05.:39:12.

# And I hear at the end of the week he's leaving to start a boutique.

:39:12.:39:15.

# Though I smile, I'm only pretending.

:39:15.:39:19.

# Cos I know today's the last I'll be spending with the boy from

:39:19.:39:22.

Tacarembo La Tumbe Del Fuego Santa Malipas Zatatecas La Junta Del Sol

:39:22.:39:31.

Y Cruz. # Tomorrow he sails.

:39:31.:39:40.

# He's moving to Wales. # To live in:

:39:40.:39:42.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyr ndrobullllandysiliogogogoch!

:39:42.:39:52.
:39:52.:40:32.

# Fairy liquid sq ueeges and dismembered brollies

:40:32.:40:36.

# Coco cola cans and rusting shopping trolleys

:40:36.:40:40.

# Several discarded single black dock martens

:40:40.:40:45.

# Hoards and hoards of old MacDonalds cart ins

:40:45.:40:55.
:40:55.:40:56.

# Half a Fiat126 to claim the # Bottles labelled Cherryade and

:40:56.:40:58.

Rocket Thunder. # Empty packs of cigarettes and

:40:58.:41:02.

Golden Wonder. # Toys that you get given free at

:41:02.:41:09.

# Plastic fobs from Henley members' reservations.

:41:09.:41:11.

# Orange peel and Castrol Superlube containers.

:41:11.:41:14.

# Bacofoil and Adidas athletic trainers.

:41:14.:41:21.

# Double blade disposable blue razorblades. And look, there are:

:41:21.:41:30.

# Part disintegrating bit of perch and tench.

:41:30.:41:32.

# And floating recent life that won't bear close attention.

:41:32.:41:34.

# Shiny pools of manganese and benzochloride.

:41:34.:41:38.

# Sulphurous waves of petrofluoride. # Sewage treated and untreated in

:41:38.:41:42.

profusion. # Drainings from an engine sump in

:41:42.:41:45.

part solution. # Old car batteries sitting on the

:41:45.:41:52.

glorious placid shoreline leaking acid.

:41:52.:41:55.

# And washed down from lovely shimmering Derwentwater:

:41:55.:41:59.

# One whole sheep marked "radioactive, do not slaughter".

:41:59.:42:03.

# Canisters with skull and crossbones part revealed.

:42:03.:42:08.

# Canisters unmarked just saying, "Sellafield".

:42:08.:42:12.

# Banks of vegetation standing rotting sweetly.

:42:12.:42:17.

# Banks where vegetation's given up completely.

:42:17.:42:27.
:42:27.:42:30.

# There I sat down and I saw a swan of purest whiteness gently lying.

:42:30.:42:35.

# Saw a swan of purest whiteness, slowly dying.

:42:35.:42:39.

# Saw a swan enmeshed in bits of anglers' twine.

:42:39.:42:43.

# Poisoned by the lead weights on a fishing line.

:42:43.:42:47.

# And many people rushing forward who cried to see it.

:42:47.:42:51.

# Many people rushing forward who tried to free it.

:42:51.:42:55.

# Saw the swan, who lifted up her failing head.

:42:55.:43:01.

# Saw them gasp to hear her as she quietly said:

:43:01.:43:04.

# "You'll no doubt have heard how swans refrain from crying, up until

:43:04.:43:12.

the moment that we find we're dying. # Charming, but as you can see, by

:43:12.:43:19.

then it's not much use. # Quite apart from which, swans

:43:19.:43:27.

aren't responsible, you know. # So, what's your excuse?"

:43:27.:43:37.
:43:37.:43:37.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds

:43:37.:44:42.

The pianist Danny Driver and the conductor Andrew Litton are world

:44:42.:44:47.

reknowned artists working at the top of their field. It says in my

:44:47.:44:57.
:44:57.:45:02.

notes that Danny was to play Grieg's poo concerto, but I met the

:45:02.:45:08.

conductor in the loo and he was waving his baton around wildly,

:45:08.:45:16.

insisting he was con ducking Tchaikovsky. Either way, please

:45:16.:45:26.
:45:26.:45:26.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds

:45:26.:55:34.

welcome Andrew Litton and Danny Andrew Litton and Danny Driver.

:55:34.:55:44.
:55:44.:55:46.

Performing the famous Concerto Popolare by Franz Reizenstein.

:55:46.:55:51.

Probably not a good idea to get an actual musician to do an actual

:55:51.:55:58.

piece of music. I am feeling insecure, threatened. I am going to

:55:58.:56:04.

do what I have always done in my life. It has served me well. When I

:56:04.:56:14.
:56:14.:56:18.

feel threatened. I do something I have a box full of stupid people

:56:18.:56:28.
:56:28.:56:31.

to support me! This is a piece I wrote a long time ago. # I've been

:56:31.:56:34.

having a little a problem recently. # Which is quite disturbing

:56:34.:56:36.

musical-ically. # Involving a semi-tonal

:56:36.:56:37.

discrepancy. # Vocally and instrumentally.

:56:37.:56:40.

# You see, musicians of different varieties prefer playing in

:56:40.:56:45.

particular keys. # And singers, too, treat

:56:45.:56:53.

preferentially those notes they tackle more proficiently.

:56:53.:56:57.

# Now, you don't have to be a member of Mensa to understand the

:56:57.:57:01.

depths of my dilemma. # The two elements of me favour two

:57:02.:57:05.

different keys. # Thus the rift betwixt my fingers

:57:05.:57:08.

and my tenor. # I love nothing more than playing

:57:08.:57:11.

instruments in F. # It warms the very cockles of my

:57:11.:57:16.

heart. # The trouble is that F can leave

:57:16.:57:20.

me vocally bereft, you see. # I like playing in F major. But I

:57:20.:57:30.
:57:30.:57:34.

like singing in F sharp. # F sharp. F sharp.

:57:34.:57:37.

# I refuse to be beholden to my hands.

:57:37.:57:41.

# I don't see why my larynx should give in to their demands.

:57:41.:57:44.

# I will not be forced to compromise my art.

:57:44.:57:50.

# And so I just keep playing in F major and singing in F sharp.

:57:50.:58:00.

# F sharp. F sharp. # I'll keep playing in F major, and

:58:00.:58:10.
:58:10.:58:35.

You have to use what skills you have got. Ladies and gentleman,

:58:35.:58:39.

please welcome back to the stage: Kit And The Widow. And the two Sues,

:58:39.:58:49.
:58:49.:59:08.

So do whatever is necessary, get your friends, adjust. On this

:59:08.:59:11.

Comedy Prom has a programme we could not possibly not have the

:59:11.:59:17.

greatest comedy song ever. The greatest comedy song of all time,

:59:17.:59:27.

which needs no introduction. Do you know this song? Can you look like a

:59:27.:59:34.

hippopotamus? Can we sing together? It will be very encouraging to me.

:59:34.:59:44.
:59:44.:00:01.

# A bold hippopotamus was standing one day.

:00:01.:00:09.

# On the banks of the cool Shalimar. # He gazed at the bottom as it

:00:09.:00:15.

peacefully lay. # By the light of the evening star.

:00:15.:00:17.

# Away on a hilltop sat combing her hair.

:00:17.:00:25.

# His fair hippopotamine maid. # The hippo-pot-amus was no

:00:25.:00:34.

ignoramus. # And sang her this sweet serenade.

:00:34.:00:39.

# Mud, mud, glorious mud. # Nothing quite like it for cooling

:00:39.:00:45.

the blood. # So follow me, follow down to the

:00:45.:00:49.

hollow. # And there let us wallow in

:00:49.:00:59.
:00:59.:01:02.

glorious mud. What a chest. # The fair hippopotama he aimed to

:01:02.:01:05.

entice. # From here seen on the hilltop

:01:05.:01:10.

above. # As she had not got a ma to give

:01:10.:01:17.

her advice. # Came tip-toeing down to her love.

:01:17.:01:20.

# Like thunder the forest re-echoed the sound of the song that they

:01:20.:01:28.

sang as they met. # His enamorata adjusted her garter

:01:28.:01:37.

and lifted her voice in duet. # Mud, mud, glorious mud

:01:38.:01:43.

# Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood.

:01:43.:01:51.

# So follow me, follow down to the hollow.

:01:51.:02:01.
:02:01.:02:22.

# And there let us wallow in glorious mud. The Boy With Tape On

:02:22.:02:28.

His Face and Tim Minchim. Do you want to do a duet? Why not. That

:02:28.:02:37.

would be really fantastic. Oh, yes. It's not safe any more. It's called

:02:37.:02:47.
:02:47.:02:47.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds

:02:47.:05:44.

I hit a Bottrill tomorrow A. Most musicians spend years and years

:05:44.:05:51.

trainges their fingers to do more and more intricate tasks. The guest

:05:51.:05:56.

guest spent years and years sitting in his bedroom with a moibg

:05:56.:06:02.

microphone figuring out ways to make us all look pretty boring. He

:06:02.:06:12.
:06:12.:06:12.

is an or al wizard labial-magician and lingual-wizard, please put your

:06:12.:06:22.
:06:22.:06:22.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds

:06:22.:08:46.

hands together for the not very Improvisation of Pachelbel's

:08:46.:08:56.
:08:56.:09:14.

APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, I do

:09:14.:09:19.

apologise if you were actually enjoying that, ladies and gentlemen,

:09:19.:09:23.

but I wasn't. It was doing my nut. All right. I tell you what. Here is

:09:23.:09:33.
:09:33.:09:50.

a little something for you. How Nah, it's a bit much, really, isn't

:09:50.:10:00.

it? It's the Proms. You can't do that at the Proms, no. Saint's

:10:00.:10:07.

preserve us. Grill my cockels or whatever it is. It should be more

:10:07.:10:10.

appropriate for the environment. Here it goes. Could somebody give

:10:10.:10:17.

me a concert A, please. #Me,me,me... #

:10:17.:10:27.
:10:27.:10:27.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds

:10:27.:13:27.

JAZZ (sound slows down) (sound JAZZ INSTRUMENTAL.

:13:27.:13:35.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1, 2, 3, 4.

:13:35.:13:38.

# We're going to do another little thing

:13:38.:13:45.

# You know that I'm going to the future yet yes

:13:45.:13:48.

# I know you are will be impressed if you can hear the words I want to

:13:48.:13:51.

get off my chest # Can you hear what I'm saying to

:13:51.:13:55.

# All I want to do right now # Is tell you all I don't know how

:13:55.:13:59.

# All I'm doing this with my mind # You will find,

:13:59.:14:03.

# I didn't write any of this # It's coming off the top of my

:14:03.:14:07.

head this # That's why the next line won't

:14:07.:14:10.

rhythm at all # 1, 2, 3, 4

:14:10.:14:13.

# Yeah # I want to tell you it's been nice

:14:13.:14:16.

playing for you # I've got to go

:14:16.:14:20.

# I adore you # Now, it's time for me to say

:14:20.:14:26.

goodbye # Stop, stop, stop, stop maybe, 1,

:14:26.:14:36.
:14:36.:14:36.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds

:14:36.:15:38.

maybe 2, maybe 3 maybe 4 This is a song about prejudice, and

:15:38.:15:48.
:15:48.:16:01.

the language of prejudice. And the power of the language of prejudice.

:16:01.:16:11.
:16:11.:16:16.

# In our modern free-spoken society, # There is a word that we still

:16:16.:16:23.

hold taboo. # A word with a terrible history of

:16:23.:16:26.

being used to abuse, oppress and subdue.

:16:26.:16:31.

# Just six seemingly harmless letters.

:16:31.:16:36.

# Arranged in a way that will form a word with more power than the

:16:36.:16:46.
:16:46.:16:46.

pieces of metal that are forged to make swords.

:16:46.:16:51.

# A couple of Gs. # An R and an E.

:16:51.:17:00.

# An I and an N. # Just six little letters, all

:17:00.:17:06.

jumbled together, have caused damage that we may never mend.

:17:06.:17:09.

# And it's important that we all respect that, if these people

:17:09.:17:16.

should happen to choose # To reclaim the word as their own.

:17:16.:17:23.

# It doesn't mean the rest of you have the right to its use.

:17:24.:17:27.

# So never underestimate the power that language imparts.

:17:27.:17:30.

# Sticks and stones may break your bones.

:17:30.:17:34.

# But words can break hearts. # A couple of Gs.

:17:34.:17:36.

# (Geez unless you've had to live it).

:17:36.:17:40.

# An R and an E. # (Even I am careful with it).

:17:40.:17:44.

# An I and an N. # In the end it will only offend.

:17:44.:17:54.
:17:54.:18:09.

# Don't wanna have to spell it out # Only a ginger can call another

:18:09.:18:14.

ginger "ginger". # Only a ginger can call another

:18:14.:18:20.

ginger "ginger". # So listen to me, if you care for

:18:20.:18:22.

your health. # You don't call me ginger unless

:18:22.:18:25.

your ginger yourself. # Only a ginger can call another

:18:25.:18:31.

ginger "ginger". # When you are a ginger, life is

:18:31.:18:34.

pretty hard. # The years of ritual bullying in

:18:34.:18:37.

the school yard. # Kids callin' you "ranga" and

:18:37.:18:39.

"Fanta pants". # No invitations to the high school

:18:39.:18:43.

dance. # But ya get up and learn to hold

:18:43.:18:46.

our head up. # Ya try to keep ya cool and not

:18:46.:18:50.

get het up. # But until the feeling of ill has

:18:50.:18:53.

truly let up. # Then the word is ours and ours

:18:53.:18:56.

alone, don't ya know. # Only a ginger can call another

:18:56.:18:59.

ginger "ginger". # Only a ginger can call another

:18:59.:19:05.

ginger "ginger". # So if you call us "ginge", we

:19:05.:19:09.

just might come unhinged. # If you don't got a fringe with at

:19:09.:19:13.

least a tinge of the ginge in it. # Only a ginger can call another

:19:13.:19:16.

ginger "ginger". # Now listen to me, we're not

:19:16.:19:18.

looking for sympathy. # Just because we're sensitive to

:19:18.:19:26.

# Just because we're pathetically pale.

:19:26.:19:30.

# We do all right with the females. # Yeah, I like to ask the ladies

:19:30.:19:34.

round for ginger beer. # And soon they're running their

:19:34.:19:38.

fingers through my ginger beard. # And dunkin' my ginger nuts into

:19:38.:19:41.

their ginger tea, yeah. # And asking can they call me

:19:41.:19:43.

"Ginge". # And I say, I don't think that's

:19:43.:19:45.

appropriate. # Cos only a ginger can call

:19:46.:19:48.

another ginger "ginger". # Only a ginger can call another

:19:48.:19:52.

ginger "ginger". # All the ladies, they agree, it's

:19:52.:19:56.

a fact: # Once you gone ginge, you can't go

:19:56.:19:58.

back. # Only a ginger can call another

:19:58.:20:08.
:20:08.:20:26.

# You can call us "bozo" or "fire truck".

:20:26.:20:30.

# You can even call us "carrot top" or "bloodnut"

:20:30.:20:36.

# Yeah, you can call us "matchstick" or "tampon".

:20:36.:20:39.

# But muckin' with the G-word is just not on.

:20:39.:20:42.

# If you're a gingerphobe and you don't like us.

:20:42.:20:45.

# We'll stand up to the fight if you wanna fight us.

:20:45.:20:48.

# But if you cut yourself, you might catch gingervitis.

:20:48.:20:51.

# So maybe you should shut your funky mouth.

:20:51.:20:55.

# Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".

:20:55.:21:00.

# Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".

:21:00.:21:04.

# So if you call us ginge, you can't whinge if you're injured.

:21:04.:21:08.

# If you don't have a tinge of the ginge in your minge.

:21:08.:21:12.

# Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".

:21:12.:21:16.

# And I know my kids will always be clothed and fed.

:21:16.:21:18.

# Cos daddy's gonna bringin' home the ginger bread.

:21:18.:21:25.

# And they'll be pretty smart because they will be well-read.

:21:25.:21:29.

# And by read, I mean read, and the other kind of red.

:21:29.:21:32.

# Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".

:21:32.:21:34.

# Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".

:21:34.:21:40.

# Just like only a ninja can sneak up on another ninja.

:21:40.:21:45.

# Only a ginger, only a ginger, only a ginger, yeah.

:21:45.:21:48.

# Are you listening-a? # I'm not pointing the finger.

:21:48.:21:56.

# I'm just having a sing-a. # I am just reminding ya.

:21:56.:21:59.

# That only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".

:21:59.:22:09.
:22:09.:22:27.

And learned that, my friends, is Then I hope you have had a

:22:27.:22:31.

wonderful night here at the Proms. I hadn't thought what I would say

:22:32.:22:41.
:22:42.:23:16.

here. Do Go nuts! Deed cello is Please thank Doc Brown! Thank you

:23:16.:23:20.

for not stereotyping may, if you do, I will do so you drugs and kill

:23:20.:23:30.
:23:30.:23:30.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds

:23:30.:24:45.

you! Jules Buckley. And the BBC Concert

:24:45.:24:55.
:24:55.:24:55.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds

:24:55.:27:51.

And this has been your Comedy Prom I basically saw this concert as an

:27:51.:27:54.

opportunity to force incredible musicians to do what I wanted them

:27:54.:28:01.

to do. And, this is probably the most self indulgent of these four

:28:01.:28:11.
:28:11.:28:40.

things. This is my private # This is my Earth and I live in it.

:28:40.:28:45.

# It's one third dirt and two thirds water.

:28:45.:28:49.

# And it rotates and revolves through space at rather an

:28:49.:28:59.
:28:59.:28:59.

impressive pace. # And never even messes up my hair.

:28:59.:29:02.

# And here's the really weird thing:

:29:02.:29:06.

# The force created by its spin is the force that stops the chaos

:29:06.:29:16.

flooding in. # This is my Earth and it's fine.

:29:16.:29:25.

# It's where I spend the vast majority of my time.

:29:26.:29:35.
:29:36.:29:44.

# It's not perfect but it's mine. # It's not perfect.

:29:44.:29:53.

# This is my house and I live in it. # It's made of cracks and

:29:53.:30:00.

photographs. # We bought it from a guy who

:30:01.:30:05.

bought it from a guy. # Who bought it from a guy whose

:30:05.:30:14.

granddad left it to him. # And the weirdest thing is that

:30:14.:30:18.

this house has locks to keep the baddies out.

:30:18.:30:25.

# But they're mostly used to lock ourselves in.

:30:25.:30:34.

# This is my house and it's fine. # It's where I spend the vast

:30:34.:30:44.
:30:44.:30:46.

majority of my time. # It's not perfect but it's mine.

:30:46.:30:56.
:30:56.:31:17.

# This is my body and I live in it. # It's 35 and 10 months old.

:31:17.:31:20.

# It's changed a lot since it was new.

:31:20.:31:24.

# It's done stuff it wasn't built to do.

:31:24.:31:30.

# I often try to fill it up with wine.

:31:30.:31:37.

# And the weirdest thing about it is I spend so much time hating it.

:31:37.:31:44.

# But it never says a bad word about me.

:31:44.:31:52.

# This is my body and it's fine. # It's where I spend the vast

:31:52.:32:02.
:32:02.:32:03.

majority of my time. # It's not perfect but it's mine.

:32:03.:32:13.
:32:13.:32:26.

# This is my brain and I live in it. # It's made of love and bad song

:32:27.:32:35.

lyrics. # It's tucked away behind my eyes

:32:35.:32:39.

where all my screwed up thoughts can hide.

:32:39.:32:49.
:32:49.:32:49.

# Cos, God forbid I hurt somebody. # And the weirdest thing about a

:32:49.:32:53.

mind is that every answer that you find is the basis of a brand new

:32:53.:33:03.
:33:03.:33:05.

cliche. # This is my brain and it's fine.

:33:05.:33:12.

# It's where I spend the vast majority of my time.

:33:12.:33:22.
:33:22.:33:31.

# It's not perfect but it's mine. # It's not perfect.

:33:31.:33:40.

# I'm not quite sure I've worked out how to work it.

:33:40.:33:50.
:33:50.:33:50.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds

:33:50.:34:32.

My new friends. Thank you Jules, thank you BBC Concert Orchestra.

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Thank you so much for coming. Enjoy The BBC's first ever Comedy Prom.

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We didn't know what to expect, but the audience here have loved this

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evening. Of course, hosted by the fabulously talented, Tim Minchim.

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Tomorrow evening, on BBC Four there is another chance to see in Marl's

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Second symphony. I will be back next Saturday for an evening of

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glitz and glamour when John Wilson and his ok orchestra return to the

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