Fit to Work Doctors

Merry Christmas to us all, my dears!

Merry Christmas to us all, my dears!

-MAN:

-Are you listening to me?

Are you listening to me?

Are you listening to me?

You've actually fallen asleep, haven't you?!

Dr Vere?

Dr Vere?

Dr Vere?

God bless us!

What?

It's my line.

She says "Merry Christmas to us all, my dears."

Then I say "God bless us,"

and Tiny Tim says "God bless us, every one!"

Sorry. Where were we?

Cloud Cuckoo Land, if you ask me.

No - before that.

Before you fell asleep?

Yeah.

My back.

Yes. Your back.

I think you might need to go over it once more for me.

Sorry.

I am so excited.

I love it, I love it, I love it!

What, even with Heston in charge?!

I think he's just trying to get the best out of all of us.

Really? Hm.

I've always loved the stage, ever since I was six.

-Peter Pan.

-You were Peter?!

No, no, but I was an Indian. I was brilliant!

I think that's better than Heston's Fezziwig dance.

Well, I don't think choreography is his strength.

That's one way of saying...

Yes, well, whatever you were saying about me, relax.

I didn't hear it - although I probably deserve it.

-We weren't talking about you.

-It wasn't anything bad.

Anyway, Lena said she's spending

the whole day looking for costumes for us.

She's calling it a "treasure hunt".

Oh, well, I'm sure we'll all look marvellous.

Oh, Heston!

All I did was give a few notes.

It's what a director is supposed to do.

You'd think I was some mad dictatorial perfectionist!

Oh, Heston, that's not true!

And the dance, it's a fia...

It's an utter fiasco!

The thing is, after any kind of surgery,

you have got to take it easy for a bit.

I need to get back to work.

You'll have to speak to your surgeon.

He says I'm fine. I don't want to bother him - he's a busy man.

He said I'd be fine once I stopped taking the meds.

Well, you see - that's another thing.

The painkillers you're on

really aren't a good idea around heavy machinery.

They can cause drowsiness, dizziness, even fainting.

I've stopped taking them. I'm fine.

My back's good, there's no pain any more,

I've stopped taking the pills.

All I need is a piece of paper from you telling my boss I'm fit to work.

Are you sure?

I need this.

I'm the oldest guy in that workshop.

Boss keeps looking at me, commenting. "Can you manage, Vince?"

He's just looking for an excuse to get rid of me.

There's nothing I can do.

Yeah. Course not! Nice and safe in your cosy little job, eh?

So cosy, you fall asleep when I'm telling you what the problem is!

I'm really sorry.

You can't even stay awake while I'm begging for my job, my livelihood!

If you don't help me, I'm going to lose everything.

My daughter's an unemployed single mother. How's she going

-to cope if I lose my job?

-I can't do it.

Yes, you can.

You just need to keep your eyes open

long enough to put your name on a piece of paper.

Mr Richardson...

Please!

My back's fine.

I'm off the drugs.

All you need to do is give me a note.

Are you absolutely sure?

One hundred percent.

So, if you could just fill this for me... There you go.

Mrs Hollins, you should smile.

I do smile, Mrs Tembe.

You should smile some more. It is important that we all seem

as warm and friendly and appealing as possible.

I am sorry.

It is our Patient Feedback Surveys.

Our friendliness ratings

have dropped six percentage points over the summer.

I don't think sticking on a big fake smile is going to help!

Anyway, it's a survey - they always get things wrong.

I don't feel any less friendly than I did in August.

No, I am sure you do not.

And actually, most of the negative comments were...

well, they were from a different regime.

Well, there you go. Anthony!

See, he did nothing for friendliness levels.

I mean, it's just a blip.

Now you're in charge, normal levels of friendliness will resume!

Well, I do hope so.

GIGGLING

KNOCKING

Come in!

Take a seat, Mr Bauman.

That's very formal, Dr Reid.

Last time we met, it was "Max".

In fact, it was, "Max, Max..."

What the hell are you doing here?!

Bit of a celebration over the weekend. I probably overdid it.

It's like a hangover, but it's the king of hangovers!

I can't treat you.

It's your fault I'm here!

You helped me win the Cup - for which

I never thanked you properly, by the way.

Yeah, I thought bagging a doctor would be difficult,

but you made it so easy, and surprisingly enjoyable!

Get out.

I'm ill. I can't get out.

Listen, if you're ever up for another, you know...

not now, obviously, with my head the way it is...

Argh!

Get out!

Dr Carter, this is Maxwell Bauman.

I am unable to treat him, due to a professional conflict of interests.

He's all yours.

Mr Bauman, please sit down.

KNOCKING

Come in.

Black Fiesta, parked out front. Dodgy brakes.

-Right.

-See how it goes.

I'm fine.

We'll see.

I left it in the car. I'll show you later.

I really wanted to get one with carved death's heads

and hourglasses and everything, but it's good enough.

We'll cover it in snow or something.

I had no luck with the ostrich eggs, or the time machine,

or the Inuit sealskin canoe, but I've still got this afternoon...

Sorry!

What's up?

Nothing.

Is it work?

No.

Sort of.

Is it a patient?

No, but...

..this guy came into the surgery this morning and...

Well, I think that it will bring a breath of fresh air to the surgery.

-I don't think so.

-I'm not doing it.

It's the kind of thing that brings the whole profession into disrepute.

Dr Vere would agree with me.

Er...

Christmas jumpers!

We are going to wear joyous Christmas jumpers on Friday.

It will bring a smile to everyone's face!

Yeah, sure, good idea.

Right, it is agreed.

Sorry.

Nine...ten. We have a new world record, people. You done?

Sorry, I can't seem to stay awake. It's all these rehearsals.

I find them quite energising.

Yeah, they're not exactly hard work.

You're young and fit - what's the problem?

I'm not sleeping.

I get these dreams...

nightmares where I'm on stage, and I just...I can't remember my lines.

And then, when I do remember them, they're the wrong lines.

I only seem to remember the lines from the beginning of the scene,

so we all go back to the beginning and do the scene again,

but then we get to the point where I can't remember my lines

cos I can only remember my lines from the beginning of the scene,

and it just goes round and round in circles...

-AL YAWNS

-Fascinating(!)

You'd better not fall asleep in front of the patients!

All you need to do is make the effort to learn those lines...

and all will be well.

That is horrible.

And he just strolled right into your surgery?

He strolled out again pretty quickly, I can tell you.

Good for you.

-When I think what he did to you...

-Don't.

You do realise you have nothing to feel bad about?

I don't.

-Well, you shouldn't.

-Good, because I don't.

Why didn't you report him?

Because....why should I even give him a second thought?

Because it's serious!

You can't tell me you've just put it behind you.

Well, maybe I just thought that...

It's not very dignified, is it?

A woman of my age...

It doesn't matter.

Your choice - nothing to do with me.

Ohh!

"A wonderful pudding.

"My dear, it is your greatest success since our wedding day."

"A wonderful pudding.

"My dear, it is your greatest success since our wedding day.

"Wonderful pudding...

"My dear, it is your greatest success since our wedding day."

A wonderful pudding!

My dear, it is your greatest success since our wedding day.

What?!

Oh, it's you!

Mr Richardson?

You checking up on me?

No, no. I don't know...

Well, I'm fine. See?

Perfectly fine.

Agh... Ohh!

MACHINERY WHIRS

Help!

Mr Richardson...

Help!

HE YELLS

Mr Richardson, no!

What disruption is this?!

You, sir - do I pay you to lie prostrate upon the floor?

Up, up with you! To work!

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

And you...

What exactly have you got to say for yourself?

Hm?!

What words can you offer up by way of explanation?

A wonderful pudding!

My dear, it is your greatest success since our wedding day.

What?!

Oh, it's you.

No, Mr Richardson, we don't have to do the whole scene all over again.

You checking up on me?

I don't know... Al?

-Al?

-Well, I'm fine. See?

Perfectly fine.

Agh... Ohh!

-MACHINERY WHIRS

-Oh!

Help!

What disruption is this?!

You, sir, do I pay you to lie prostrate upon the floor?

Up, up with you! To work!

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

And you...

What exactly have you got to say for yourself?

No, no, no... Wake up!

What words can you offer up by way of explanation?

A wonderful pudding!

My dear, it is your greatest success since our wedding day.

What?!

-SCREAMS:

-No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

HE SIGHS

-Oh! I, erm...

-Is it for the show?

Well, it's not ready yet. I'm still working out the dynamics.

I was the Scottish Country Dance Champion...

first year of secondary school.

-Me and Daryl Wingfield.

-Really?

Yeah. So, if you want any help...

I wasn't thinking of an eightsome reel.

Well...you know where I am.

I will bear it in mind.

HE SIGHS

Oh, no...

-Al...

-Not now, Sid.

Yeah, I really, really need some advice.

Fine, make it quick.

OK. I have a patient, back pain. Prolapsed disc, in fact.

Post-operative. I prescribed codeine, he says he's off them,

but I really don't believe him.

Insists on going back to work - a vehicle workshop, heavy machinery...

OK, stop. He can't go back to work.

But, er, what if I let him?

Well, it's a tricky one.

For example, let's take you.

You're knackered, hm?

You're gabbling and not really making much sense,

-but you can still do your job, can't you?

-Right.

You see, the thing is, the odds on you making a fatal mistake

are much higher than after you've had a good night's sleep.

The same thing goes with your patient.

He could probably go to work

and go through a day without killing someone or himself,

but those old odds again -

they are much better when he's fit and not on drugs.

-Yeah.

-It's a fine line.

See, the thing is, if you sign him fit and it all goes pear-shaped...

mate, could be your career.

Excuse me.

I wondered how long it'd be before you came storming in here.

-Have you seen it?

-Yeah, I just opened Mrs Tembe's e-mail.

-What?

-Compulsory Christmas jumpers.

I'm not talking about jumpers, Jimmi.

-Do you remember that compromising photo of Emma?

-Mm-hm.

I thought we'd taken it off the internet, but...it's back.

-Oh, my God!

-Yeah.

They're giving out a cup

for what they call getting "the complete set" -

fat girl, Christian, teacher, doctor and an "ethnic".

-I know her.

-What?

From the Vita Course. Rosie.

Well, there's your Christian. Do you know any of the others?

Mm-mm. But I know him.

And that photo was taken in The Icon on Friday night.

-They were at the bar.

-Yes, they were.

So what are we going to do about it?

-KNOCK ON DOOR MRS TEMBE:

-Come in!

SHE HUMS A TUNE

Dr Vere, what on earth are you doing?

You're, erm...

I am just making some small adjustments.

Oh. Of course.

For a moment there, I thought I was... Never mind.

Right, how can I help you?

Erm, I've been a bit foolish, Mrs Tembe,

and I just thought you need to know in case it all goes pear-shaped.

-Right.

-I...

signed a patient fit for work when I don't think I should have done.

He might have an accident.

Well, I think you know what you should do.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Dr Vere, you need to call your patient, or find them.

Make sure that they are safe.

Yeah. Good advice. Thank you, Mrs Tembe.

Dr Carmichael.

Mrs Tembe...

Adjustments.

Well, if you need a hand...

No, no, no, I am fine.

Christmas jumpers, Mrs Tembe...

They will not do.

Is that so?

-Al and I have been discussing it.

-You and Dr Haskey?

On this point, and on this point alone,

Haskey and I are in complete agreement.

Then, you are in a small minority.

I am afraid, Dr Carmichael,

that this is what is called a "three-line whip" -

all staff will be in Christmas jumpers on Friday,

and all staff will be smiling.

HE SIGHS

Sorry.

It's not your fault, is it?

He was in earlier - wanted a cure for a hangover.

-Yeah, wanted to gloat, more like.

-Yeah, probably.

Oh, thanks, Jimmi. Will you tell Al?

Yeah, the thing is, I know one of the other women.

The Christian from the Vita Course.

She's not going to take it as well as you.

You think I'm taking this well?

-You're not screaming.

-Not in public.

You're a strong woman, Emma. Rosie isn't.

I have to tell her.

Will you come with me?

Yeah. Yeah, of course I will.

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

CLATTERING

-Mr Richardson?

-Yeah!

No... No, no, no, no, no, no!

-What?

-Come on, get out! Get out, come on, come on!

METAL CLANGS

What are... What are you doing?

-Dr Vere...?

-Are you all right?

Are you checking up on me?

-No. No, no, no, no, no.

-Good.

I don't know what you were thinking, pulling me round...

I'm sorry. I got confused. I thought the lift was... Never mind.

No, no, I'm not checking up on you, I'm double-checking myself, really.

I think I may have been a bit too quick to sign you back to work.

Woken up and had a bit of a panic?

Yeah. Something like that.

Well, you can go back to your afternoon snooze.

There's absolutely nothing wrong... Argh!

Oi... Agh, agh...

-Mr Richardson?

-Oh!

How bad?

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

-I can probably stand, if you help me up.

-Yeah, yeah, sure.

Come on, go.

HE GROANS

-Dizzy spells?

-Only when I take the tablets.

-The tablets that you're not taking, cos you're not in any pain?

-Yeah.

Hey! What's going on?

Who are you?

I'm, er... I'm...Sid Vere.

He's my GP. This is Bob Bartram.

-He owns the place.

-Mr Bartram.

If your car needs looking at,

you're better off coming through the front entrance, Dr Vere.

-He didn't come about a car.

-No, I came to see Mr Richardson.

Look, there's been a bit of an administrative error.

A mistake at our end.

Fit note. There's been a misunderstanding about

the pills I'm still taking. For the pain.

I think it's time we had a chat in my office.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Jimmi!

-Hey, Rosie.

Do you mind if we come in?

-This is Emma - this is a colleague of mine, a friend.

-Hi.

It's all a bit of a tip, actually...

It's really important.

Sounds ominous.

Thanks.

Do you want some tea?

Er... No, we're fine, thank you. Listen, Rosie, grab a seat a second.

The reason I brought Emma with me is because she's been through something

recently which is relevant to what I need to talk to you about.

OK...

Do you recognise Emma at all from any photos you might have seen,

maybe in unusual circumstances?

No. No, I don't think so.

Rosie...

what Jimmi is trying to say is...

Well, you've been seeing somebody recently, is that right?

-A guy called Max?

-Is he all right?

Oh, yes. He's fine, yes. In fact, the last time I saw him,

-he was suffering nothing more than a bad hangover.

-So, what is it?

This is embarrassing.

Right, well, erm, I know Max.

We, erm, we had a one-night-stand

and he wasn't totally honest with me.

And I don't think he's being totally honest with you either.

-Vince...

-Before you start...

40 years I've been working here for you and your dad.

Now, if my back's bust, I bust it here, slaving for you.

Now, if you want to fire me, you just go ahead and fire me.

You see how long you'll last.

And when you can't sort your MOT paperwork, or you need a favour

down at the suppliers but you can't remember the guy's name,

or when you can't remember where you put your own backside...!

Mr Richardson! I'm sure he didn't mean that.

I think he does. Never known Vince to keep his thoughts to himself.

OK, but you really don't need to fire him.

It is a slow recovery, but he'll get there in the end.

Maybe not the heavy manual work...

Do you listen to your doctor, Vince?

Take his advice?

He says you can't do manual work.

No, that's not exactly what I said.

Your dad would never have kicked a man when he's down.

-Can he sit?

-Sit?

In a chair.

In a fancy, very expensive, brand-spanking-new,

orthopaedic swivel chair, for example?

Cos when I move over to Maybrook to open up our new garage,

I'm going to need someone sitting behind this desk who knows

this business like the back of his hand.

Only, he's got to be able to sit in that chair.

Yeah, I think he could probably manage that.

Mr Richardson, what do you think?

Looks all right.

Looks like the kind of chair you could probably fall asleep in.

How do you know it's the same person?

Erm, the photos. I could show you on the laptop...

-I'm not sure that's such a good idea.

-Show me.

Rosie, what he's done to you is completely unacceptable.

You don't have to put up with it.

He can be prosecuted, expelled from the university,

and I promise you I will back you all the way.

Oh, have you had Mrs Tembe's e-mail about the...?

-Christmas jumpers, yes.

-Yeah.

-Probably not your sort of thing.

-Not really.

How about a Christmas bow tie?

I'm actually rather looking forward to it.

Didn't happen last year,

but it'll be good to have the children at home.

-I'm quite jealous!

-Do you have any plans?

I am with my cousin in Aberystwyth. We don't get on.

So I suppose once the play's over, I will just toddle off to Wales.

Oh, I really don't want the play to finish. It's been wonderful.

To be honest, Valerie, I'm really struggling with the Fezziwig dance.

I know.

I could do with some...expert help.

Yes, I have to agree with you there!

-Oh, you mean me?!

-If you don't mind?

Oh! Yes... Yes, yes.

Yes. Definitely. Definitely.

I will help with your Fezziwig dance! Oh!

SHE HUMS A TUNE

-He did this to you?

-Yes, he did.

And you did nothing?

No. I was confused.

I just wanted it all to go away.

She's right. Maybe if you'd reported it...

No, that's not what I meant.

If no-one does anything, it's just going to continue.

It's not about punishing him,

or revenge - it's about stopping it happening to someone else.

He's right. You should report it.

Why me? You didn't report it, you hypocrite.

-I just want what you wanted.

-Rosie...

No! Leave me alone.

I just want to forget it ever happened.

Just like you.

IN BAD COCKNEY ACCENT: How did little Tim behave?

And you have no idea who's sending them?

Ever since I lost the use of my legs,

everyone keeps telling me how well I'm doing.

I don't want to be that helpless person.

# Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time... #

We are so doomed.