Episode 2 Celebrity Antiques Road Trip

-Some of the nation's favourite celebrities...

-Sensational!

..one antiques expert each...

This is Ch'ien-Lung.

Well done.

..and one big challenge. Who can seek out and buy the best antiques

at the very best prices...

I am going to kill him.

-..and auction for a big profit...

-A new bidder, thank you.

..further down the road?

Who will spot the good investments?

Who will listen to advice?

And who will be the first to say, "Don't you know who I am?"

Time to put your mettle to the pedal.

This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip. Yeah!

Joining us on the road trip, we have a headline act.

The lions of the newsroom face their biggest challenge yet.

Tonight, 48 hours before the G8 Summit,

he's threatened to train Russian missiles on Europe

-unless

-he

-drops plans to put a defence shield in Russia's back yard.

She's the queen of political interviewing.

She tackled everyone,

from Alex Salmond to Margaret Thatcher to Madonna.

You know, the pop singer?

She's Newsnight's Kirsty Wark.

We won't let you starve. I'll give you profit on these and I'll buy you a bag of chips.

In a few moments, Her Majesty the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh will arrive.

Then it's Tonight's co-anchor and co-pilot,

"Lights Camera Action

"Stop, Police!",

it's ITN's Alastair Stewart.

I'm biddable, as they say in the trade.

Before they get competitive,

they fight over the driver's seat in this sporty 1960 Daimler Dart.

Heads you drive, tails you sit.

I mostly use a ten-pence coin. These celebrities! Honestly!

Lending Kirsty and Alastair a hand,

we have our pair of roving reporters from the world of antiques

driving in this 1967 Triumph Vitesse...

The lovely Catherine Southon, an expert in scientific and medical instruments, amongst other things,

but she also likes the simple things in life.

Pig scraper? What's a pig scraper?

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Ooh, would you like my seat, sir?"

But actually, he's as fit as a fiddle.

He's an auctioneer, an ex-teacher, he's Philip Serrell.

You're an angel! Mwah!

Drawing on expert advice, and testing their powers of negotiation,

Kirsty and Alastair have £400 each, two days of shopping,

one upcoming auction and a lot to learn. Fast.

I quite like to have the money in my hand. What about you?

I think we have to admit that, given what we do for a living, we do quite like to be in charge.

I have to say, that is a problem. Therefore, it's our mistakes.

I think if it goes well, it's our victory

-and if it goes badly, we blame the experts.

-Exactly!

You know, I always do.

But before anyone puts their career on the line, let's look at the road ahead.

Scotland lays out its antique treasures for us

before heading to a make-or-break auction

way down south in Sheerness, Kent.

First stop is Kirsty's former university town

where our experts and celebrities can meet - Edinburgh.

I think they're going to be a lot better at buying antiques than we'd be at news reading.

-You'd be hilarious at it!

-I wouldn't take it seriously.

-There'd be this miserable face -

-What do you mean, miserable?

-"This is Phil Serrell."

-Are you trying to say something?

-I didn't kill us.

-No, you didn't.

More importantly, you didn't scratch the paintwork.

Now, go and grab yourselves an antiques expert each.

We're arguing already! ALL TALK AT ONCE

-I'm Catherine.

-Good to see you.

I had thought it could be us against you,

but you might win and that wouldn't do our cred any good.

-Let's be absolutely clear, this is Kirsty Wark, this is Scotland.

-Yes!

-This is Alastair, up from England.

You've got an advantage. You can come with me!

-That leaves us!

-I think that worked perfectly.

-I hope that's OK!

-Delusions of grandeur!

The shops are open, the dealers are waiting

and that £400 won't spend itself. Let's get cracking!

This is burning a hole in my hand. 400 quid. You keep it.

-This comes easy to me. We've got to be mean.

-Yes.

-I am very mean.

-OK, so good-cop, bad-cop?

-Yes, yes.

Whatever it takes to win is worth a try.

Bit of tactics and strategy first.

Let me tell you something about Philip. Philip is mean! He doesn't spend a lot of money.

And he's got a great eye for curious, wacky items.

I think Kirsty is very knowledgeable about anything that is Edinburgh.

-Do you think she's going to spend a lot of money?

-I think she will.

So they'll have a falling out.

-We shall agree.

-We shall agree on everything!

I like your style.

Let's hope this here Courtyard Antiques

can provide an arsenal for your big autumn campaign.

Things like this are sometimes interesting.

1916. It's pretty brutal First World War stuff, isn't it?

There's the Kaiser. "How I deal with the small fry" it says.

-Menacing, isn't it?

-Absolutely.

A clever dealer is going to cruelly destroy that,

take the plates out and frame them? No?

-Quite possibly.

-But we're not priced.

-We want to go quite low on these, don't we?

-Yes.

-30 to 60?

-I was going to say 20 to 30.

-I don't think we want to pay more.

-For the set?

Local proprietor Lewis is on hand to help.

What do you, hand on heart, believe to be the best that you can do on these magazines?

15 each.

-15 each.

-So 45.

There's damp and a spine damaged.

-If you said 30 for the three...

-I think we need to go lower.

-Do you?

I don't think we should pay any more than £20.

-What do you think the best is that you can do?

-30.

Would you be able to meet in the middle at 25 or..?

I started off at 45

and we're now at 30, so I'm kind of in the middle.

More in our middle?

25 quid for the three.

-I think that's good.

-I do, too.

I think there's a market for these and I think they're absolutely fascinating.

A lightning-quick purchase in Alastair's fast-moving antique-shopping story.

Stay with us for full coverage of this and other buying tales as they unfold.

Now for Kirsty and Phil's first shop.

Sadly, the owner is rather shy,

but we have an idea of what he may look like.

Oh, I quite like these.

What it's trying to be is somewhere between 1780 and 1820, and it's not that.

Not overly PC, the hunting, shooting, fishing thing.

But the actual execution of these is quite nice.

Oh, unfortunate choice of words, Kirsty.

Cock fighting is not fashionable or indeed pleasant.

However, these have a strange appeal as rural sporting themes.

-Mr Shop Man! Your cock fighting...

-They're £50.

-50.

For four? I'd say more 20 for four. 10 for four.

You'd be hard-pressed to get rid of them in Edinburgh at the moment.

-I think he'd do well to get his money back.

-I do.

Sorry, sir, there's no hiding from hard-haggling Philip Serrell.

Believe me, I've tried.

You can be the voice.

You can be the international man of mystery. The Antique Man Of Mystery is you.

-He's very handsome.

-Isn't he ever?

-He should've put some clothes on.

-No, no, he's got a sporran on.

-That's all right.

We're looking at this little one here.

-That's 30 squid.

-It starts at 30. Let's think about this.

-I do like your style.

-We'll just check...

-It's nice to see a pro at work.

-This is a rather nice little table.

-It's Edwardian. It's made out of mahogany.

-It's got a really nice inset here.

-This is...

-Boxwood.

-She's good, isn't she?

Let me tell you something. These things have crashed in value.

On a bad day, in a bad auction, this is like 20 quid.

-Get out?

-Yes.

-But I would take that home.

You might have to!

It's a crying shame,

but a solid wood Edwardian table is just not modern taste.

Like a Black Forest gateau, it's gorgeous and delicious,

but deeply unfashionable.

-Let's take it upstairs.

-I suppose we've got to be hard-headed.

-The things I like are not necessarily going to sell.

-You've got to be mega hard-headed.

He wants 30 for the table and 20 for these.

I think £30 all in or 35.

Hello?

-Hello.

-We like these prints and we also like the table,

but we think you're asking too much.

-There's a recession.

-There is.

-Doom and gloom!

We'd like to offer you £35 for the table and the prints.

I can't do it.

-You can't?

-He said that with such a lovely smile on his face!

-Shall we split the difference?

-What's the difference?

-£47.50.

No, no! £45, woman! Just shh!

We've got 45 for the prints and the table. That's it.

-Just to get you out of the shop...

-Just to get us out, 45? Done!

A final triumph with Edinburgh's mystery shopkeeper.

And now, Team Wark is swapping shops with Team Stewart.

Let's hope Alastair and Catherine can get a good deal from Mr Bashful.

Nut basher, nut cracker. It's not brand new, is it?

-It has seen a few nuts cracked in its time.

-It certainly has.

-Bit of kitchenalia.

-Beautifully described.

-Would you have that at home?

-I would.

-In your kitchen?

-I would. What are we looking for?

£5.

Er...

-Can we go -

-I'm going to buy it.

-Oh!

-I'm sorry!

-I've got to barter. Would you take three? No. Would you take five?

-BOTH: Yes!

This is going to be used to bash you round the head!

-A fiver. Very nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

Really nice to meet you, whoever you are.

What is it with Edinburgh today?

We won't bite. Much.

-Let's go round the bend.

-Let's go round here.

Look at this fabric. It is absolutely glorious.

-I'm not really an expert on dresses.

-Why not?

DRAMATIC NEWS-STYLE MUSIC

I love her to bits because she's got a real hard eye.

The thing that bothers me is, a shopping trip could turn into...

..a shopping trip.

-Do you know what you could do with this?

-Hang it up.

-It would make a great skirt.

I can feel one of my headaches coming on.

I might take it, if that's OK.

Of course, you're not really supposed to shop for yourself on this road trip,

but it's your money.

I'm powerless to stop you.

-There are more dresses upstairs.

-Fantastic! I can barely wait.

I like this!

That propeller over there, the far one...

-The one with the little red engine.

-What's the very best on that?

Is there any way we can get that under £100?

-Are you buying something else?

-Yes.

-We might be.

Several things, we're not sure what, but that it's a component.

-This propeller could be 30.

-Oh, I like that!

I've got a certain affinity with it because it has seen better days.

It's probably been in the water for a long time.

Perhaps we can create a story of a First World War pilot

who was shot down over the Channel.

-Am I just going on again?

-Yes.

-OK.

I think we're looking at two propellers here.

Kirsty likes this highly polished one for £90

and Phil likes this scruffy old thing for £30.

Funny what we all gravitate towards, isn't it?

I think you might like this, Kirsty, these pressed flowers.

I noticed it out the corner of my eye.

I wondered if it'd sell, but I do think they're wonderful.

Bird's-foot Trefoil. These are lovely.

A lot of these wild flowers are hard to see out there.

Brooklimes... Someone's put a lot of effort into this.

So they've given us £400

and we're going to buy 80-year-old dead weeds?

But they are beautiful.

-£35 for them all.

-OK, I'm thinking about that, but...

-I think we should put that with our propellers.

-OK.

-Ooh, I love that.

-Oh, yes, that's an old one!

It's a butcher's block. They just came on a stand

and then people sand them down, wax them and use them in kitchens.

These hard-wearing cutting blocks should be on legs and were originally used for meat processing.

Now, of course, they're terribly fashionable in the home.

How much is your butcher's block? Have you got legs for it?

No. I did have. I used them for something else, which has now gone.

-Which is good for you because you can have it cheaper.

-How cheap?

-It's like...

-£60?

25. We're buying a few things -

-OK, you can have it for 20!

-Thanks!

-OK, fine. Excellent. Thanks!

You don't really need me. Why don't I give you the keys and...

..you can let me know how it all went?

Thanks, Lewis, but we're doing fine for absent shopkeepers so far today.

However, it allows us a moment to catch up with Alastair's exciting story.

He's rocking!

I know exactly what Phil Serrell would say about this.

-What would he say?

-"It's firewood."

That's very harsh.

-I like the legs.

-They look like little duck feet!

There's an awful lot of woodworm.

But wouldn't a two year old just love to sit and rock in this?

It's wonderful! I'm loving it more and more!

-You can have it for ten.

-Would we want it for ten?

-I'm tempted at that price.

-That's a steal!

-Do you think we should go for it?

-Yes.

-It's a deal.

Well, Alastair Stewart is today's top story so far.

Those lightening-fast purchases are starting to stack up.

In other news, Kirsty Wark is trying to coax Philip out of a rather comfy chair.

-I've been sat in my thinking chair here.

-Yes.

Leave the butcher's block out of the equation.

I'm thinking about £110 for the propellers and the flowers.

-That's what I'm thinking.

-I think £115.

As much as that? Lewis, what's the best you can do?

130.

-Including the butcher's block?

-Did we mention the butcher's block?

-No, but I'm about to.

140, including the butcher's block? It's nothing without the legs.

-20 for the butcher's block -

-That would make it 150. We genuinely can't afford it.

I'd like to buy the two propellers and that.

Yes, but I like the butcher's block.

So for anyone else who's confused,

Kirsty and Phil are still interested in each other's propellers,

as well as the book of Edwardian pressed flowers.

However, the butcher's block is still a definite. Maybe.

Is that any clearer?

I'm 100 percent confused here. What we've got is...

-He's giving you the whole thing...

-£150 for the lot?

-150 is good.

It's a deal.

-Yes.

-Oh, gosh!

That's a huge purchase to digest,

so let's find a little light relief back with Alastair and Catherine.

Can we just ask you about your Edwardian letter stationery box?

-I have 125 on it.

-Mm.

-But you can make me an offer.

You should never say that to me.

-I've just said it.

-I'm very cruel and very mean.

-Is that the original dividers?

-Yes.

That's quite unusual, because very often these dividers have gone with wear and tear.

-That...

-Is lovely.

-Just look at that.

-It's a lovely colour.

-Rosewood.

-That has not been hammered by the sun.

-Exactly.

I have a very beautiful box, mahogany box,

-with a lovely little bit of inlay on it.

-Yes.

And I lost the key! SAD VIOLIN MUSIC

And it had all of my old passports,

going back to when I first went abroad for ITN!

I had to pay the locksmith to come out and do it.

Great story, Alastair.

You worry me. I've got this feeling that all of a sudden you'll go, "OK!"

-No, no.

-Like you've done before!

I could do it at 60.

I'm going to give you £60 for it and expect her to kick me in the shins.

Excellent.

Alastair!

Alastair!

Straight in. No negotiation. No expert consultation. And outrage.

I can't believe you've just done that!

Two, four, six.

-Can we just negotiate the 50?

-No. Because that wasn't going to happen.

I can't believe you've done that. I can't believe it.

And on that bombshell,

this mammoth Edinburgh shopping exercise is finally over.

We can at last move on to... Oh, hang on a minute.

That's glass. That's beautiful.

I like that. Come on.

Probably 19th century.

It would've probably held a lobster pot. It's effectively a buoy, isn't it?

Norway first used these big glass balls from the 1840s.

But they were soon used all over the world

to stretch out enormous fishing nets for a big catch.

It's glass and it's rather lovely now I see it, so...

Here we go!

Why couldn't you make that an attractive proposition with the propeller?

120 on the ticket, but what would you do it for?

It says 45.

Oh, it's lovely. Would you do it for 40?

Oh, no! No. No. No. No.

-Yes.

-Thank you so much!

This is going horribly wrong. Let me have a look.

Do you like it?

-I love it! God, look at it. This is your fault.

-I know.

-I think we can leave all this gunk on there.

-It's beautiful. Look.

It looks like a stamp of ownership. Like two ferns or something.

-Do you really like this?

-I think it's a wonderful thing. I'm excited about it.

-Philip, pay the man, please.

-OK, fine.

And with this lovely maritime novelty,

the Edinburgh shopping is finally over?

-Is that a little bit of silver?

-It's Victorian. I think it's about 1880.

There's a hallmark there, a leopard's head, Victoria's head,

so we know it's all right. That's really lovely.

It is pretty, isn't it? I think it's a tenner.

-Would £10 be all right?

-Yes.

-Are you sure?

-Thank you.

-That's really sweet.

This is our betrothal ring to say that we're bound together!

That's now lots 1 to 400 in the sale are down to Kirsty and Phil.

I'm taking you home before you buy anything else. There's a lampstand you haven't seen yet.

And there's a carpet, a table...

Sadly, Edinburgh shopping is done

and it's time to evacuate our news teams from this hotspot.

-Did you have a good day?

-Catherine was absolutely wonderful.

She was very indulgent of some of my occasional quirkiness.

What about Alastair? He strikes me as being a real card.

I thought he was going to really barter and negotiate hard.

And did he?

Not in the way I thought he would, to be honest!

Phil is really good. You just see a look in his eyes

where he says, but doesn't say, "That's a ridiculous idea."

-ALASTAIR LAUGHS

-Look at that!

-Fan-bloody-tastic!

If shopping was an Olympic sport...

-She'd have wonderful a gold medal.

-Galactic class, she is.

Good girl. That's what I like to hear.

The rolling-news road trip rumbles on.

Leaving this royal throne behind,

our celebrities lead their expert squires onto the kingdom of Fife,

38 miles north of Edinburgh to the town of Falkland.

Hard-shopping Team Wark has decided upon a small indulgence,

visiting a kind of historical forerunner

to the great British holiday camp.

Falkland Palace was a summer haunt

of one of Kirsty's favourite historical ladies.

And if you can't quite guess, she's Scottish and called Mary.

The lands around Falkland, some 4,000 acres,

have hosted exclusive hunting, falconry

and outdoor leisure activities for over half a millennia.

All we need now is lovely local tour guide Pam.

-ALL: Good morning!

-I'm Kirsty.

-I'm Philip. How are you?

-Welcome to Falklands.

-BOTH: Thank you.

This is the gatehouse, finished by James V of Scotland.

When they came here to entertain and to hunt,

would they come for six weeks at a time?

We think something like that. Six weeks to two months.

Hygiene was the thing that dictated when they left

and the whole place was then cleared and cleaned.

-We'd better go and have a look.

-I think I'd love to.

-Yes.

First built between 1502 and 1541,

Falkland Palace has mostly been a holiday home

for the Scottish monarchs.

James V transformed the interiors

in a stunning French Renaissance style,

and died here in 1542

after hearing of the birth of his daughter Mary Queen of Scots.

As Pam's tour begins,

the first port of call is the most popular game at Falkland,

the torture of the Englishman.

JOLLY MUSIC Fantastic.

You wouldn't think a sweet lady like Pam

could have quite the sadistic tendencies she's got, would you?

-HE SHUDDERS

-Oh!

-Kirsty, I don't like this very much.

-Ohh!

-Ohh!

-Nothing can happen to you, Phil. Look at this height of this wall.

Fantastic, Kirsty, fantastic! It's like walking on fresh air.

-It's solid stone.

-I don't care.

Where are we going? Do you really want me to come up there?

I'm afraid you have to.

But the parapet, I'm afraid, isn't quite as good up here.

-Now we can see for miles and miles.

-That's...

HE SHUDDERS

-If I stand here -

-Don't! Come away from there!

-No!

-Are you going on your own, then?

-I'm not!

-You're not going anywhere?

Don't you dare tell anybody about this, Pam!

Philip, get a grip.

Sadly, much of Falkland Palace was destroyed by Cromwell's forces during the Civil War

and fell into disrepair, until bought in 1887

by John Crichton-Stuart, Third Marquis of Bute.

Today, the grounds and buildings are maintained in conjunction with the National Trust.

However, much of the hunting lands are no longer part of the estate.

This is the palace orchard.

Beyond that, practically to the foot of the hills in the distance,

was hunting forest.

Can we stop down there and look up rather than come up here and look down?

Fortunately, there's fun to be had,

and more Philip's kind of fun, down on ground level.

Anyone for slightly peculiar tennis?

This original real tennis court

is the oldest surviving useable court in the world,

built in 1539,

100 years before its more famous cousin

in Hampton Court Palace.

How amazing. I've never been in a real tennis court.

Today's umpire is Bob, secretary of Falkland's real tennis court.

-Very nice to meet you.

-Hello.

I can't believe I'm standing on a court that James V played on.

And Mary Queen of Scots, we believe.

Well, she was a tall woman. She was probably quite athletic.

-Do you love it more than lawn tennis?

-Oh, yes!

Much more interesting.

And you don't have to be 19 and serve at 150 miles an hour.

Good news for Phil.

Real or royal tennis is the forerunner to lawn tennis,

with some quirky, antiquated game play.

-The service takes place from this end only.

-Right.

The ball must hit the roof,

the penthouse roof, on the far side of the net.

Your serving is always onto the roof?

Yes. So your forehand is there.

All four walls are in play here, a bit like squash,

but at a slower pace for ladies in cumbersome attire.

It's not just "if" your opponent faults which wins the points,

but where on the court, hence all the lines.

-I think we should give this a go.

-OK. This is war.

This is England versus Scotland.

-A good tip...

-Yes?

-This bit is always above that bit.

-A-ha. OK. Right.

-Excuse me! Don't I get any coaching?

Quiet, please! Especially you, Serrell.

-WIMBLEDON THEME TUNE

-Miss Wark to serve.

-OK.

-You just take it steady!

-Excellent!

-Right.

SHE SQUEALS

-Yes!

-That wasn't very good.

SHE LAUGHS He's good!

He is, isn't he?

That'll please the crowds up on Serrell Summit.

-SHE LAUGHS

-You are good!

Phil is a complete ringer. He plays squash every single day.

Didn't Murray say the same about Nadal?

Sadly, that's all of today's highlights

and we now say goodbye to the wonderful Jacobean theme park that is Falkland Palace.

As there are no more shopping minutes to the day,

this part of Fife's kingdom must provide shelter for the night.

Sweet dreams.

Wakey-wakey.

Bright and early, the road trip calls our drivers to their cars once more.

I think you are a professional shopper, aren't you?

No, no. I shop with purpose. I'm like an exocet.

-You are.

-I am.

BOMBASTIC MUSIC

So far, Kirsty and Phil have bought seven separate items -

the Edwardian table, the cock-fighting prints,

a pair of propellers, the pressed flowers, the butcher's block...

Phew!

..the Victorian glass float and the bargain silver napkin ring.

And Kirsty bought a dress for herself. Honestly!

Kirsty and Phil have only £90 left to spend.

Not now. I can't. It's profligate.

-What does that mean?

-I've spent too much.

-OK.

Meanwhile, the opposition has moved fast.

NEWS-AT-TEN BONGS

Alastair Stewart spends just £100 on three items.

Day begins with World War One cartoons.

Proceeds cautiously with child's rocking chair.

Then goes mad with impulse stationery box.

Alastair and Catherine begin a second day's rummaging

with a healthy £300.

Alastair, I have to ask you this question.

What do you talk about at the end of the news when you're shuffling the papers?!

Sometimes it will be, "Well, we got away with that!"

if something particularly hairy has happened.

I'm going to lip-read now. You will feel my presence.

The searching eyes of Catherine!

In true maverick style, Alastair and Catherine are going on ahead,

their delicate feet barely touching the ground,

whisking the road trip 11 miles north-east from Falkland

to the wonderful town of Cupar.

I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone here in Fife

that time is of the essence on this final day of shopping.

-So I won't.

-Time is against us.

It really is.

I quite like these.

-What do you think?

-They definitely suit you.

-Do they?

They're spring-loaded, aren't they? I'll let you in case I break it.

-What are you looking for for those?

-We have £50 on them.

But Catherine will probably make me a counter offer.

I will if they work!

Because I'm watching you fiddle!

-There we are.

-I think they're elegant.

And I quite like the 1920s style. Quite Deco, isn't it?

What would that make at auction, though, in Kent?

I think they would probably make about £60.

But I wouldn't want to give any more.

I have to make a profit, at the end of the day.

That's what drives me.

-I would want to pay 15.

-You would?

As it's you, I'll accept £15 for them,

and you have to make a profit.

You're not convinced, are you?

I'm convinced on the potential for margin on that,

but I'm also conscious of where it sits

in the overall set of lots that we're going to have.

Alastair, you're very tricky to please.

Now, you want something that will look good with spectacles...

Mm.

They look right through you, don't they?

-I like the glass eyes, too.

-Mm.

-But there's no market for glass eyes.

-There is!

What is the potential for improvement on glass eyes?

-£20 each.

-Each?!

We can do better than that. A lot better.

This conversation may conclude...

-Mm-hm.

-..a financial transaction, not at one level of activity

but potentially of four.

Therefore, your answer to her next question is crucial.

TENSE QUIZ SHOW-STYLE MUSIC

And your question is?

Well, just how much you'd sell them for really?

Is that it?

I do not know the man or woman who is going to pay a significant amount

for these three very strange eyes.

But you're the expert. You're a scientific instruments expert,

so you're the nearest out of the three of us to medical stuff.

-You are putting so much pressure on me!

-No.

-I'm almost trembling!

-Why?

-Because it's that look!

25 for the glasses and the eyes. Is that what we're saying?

-What do you think?

-Done.

-Look, that's how tense I am!

-See how laidback I am.

There's 20.

And there's a five somewhere in...

..in that crumpled... crumpled stack of money!

The eyes have it. But I wish they'd stop staring.

Oh!

-That's spooky!

-You're telling me.

Back down the road, your optically-challenged opponents

are still looking hard at the delights of Falkland.

Do you think he's on the fiddle?!

Snappy dresser Bob owns this wonderful emporium of Scottish antiques.

But can Kirsty find anything with downsize appeal?

This is actually quite pretty.

You've got a really good eye. I think that's absolutely beautiful.

Tell me about Scottish pottery.

-They were made in Kirkcaldy.

-Kirkcaldy.

-From Methven.

-Medvens?

M-E-T-H-V-E-N.

-Look at it. Can we set this aside? We're building up a portfolio.

-That's what's worrying me again.

Scottish pieces don't do so well in England

and some English pieces don't do so well up here. It's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Well, let's try and remain positive, shall we?

-I'm looking at this.

-See this illustrated...

We don't like things that are illustrated. They cost more.

It's a wee bit collectable.

-How old is that?

-That'll be from about 1890.

-1890?

-We're in Kirsty's patch now. This is Scottish pottery?

This is Scottish pottery, but not as I would imagine it.

This is what I would call like a terracotta farmer's pot.

Seaton Pottery manufactured in Aberdeen

for the best part of a century.

This bespoke piece from 1894 is certainly catching Kirsty's eye.

-I think it's a thing of beauty.

-That's quite primitive. It would look good on a glass table.

I'm going to ask you two questions. How much is that?

-£100.

-And what's it worth?

-Probably 400.

-Yes...

-My problem is...

-Would it sell in Kent?

Would you buy a piece of Kentish pottery

and bring it to Aberdeen to flog?

-We'd have to hope there was somebody from Aberdeen.

-We don't like "hope".

So much for remaining positive.

At least Kirsty and Phil are still working.

I just like that sort of thing!

I'm not even going to propose it to Catherine. I'll put it away!

I really like those leather gloves.

-Who'd buy them?

-Nobody.

-I'm being brutal.

-They do have the cute factor.

-Aren't they lovely?

-Very sweet.

Cut to the chase, you could buy these for £8.

-It's the kind of size that a child...

-Yes.

-We could put the gloves on the rocking chair and have it as an item.

-Have it as a lot.

-So that...

-Perfect. You're a genius.

-That makes an item.

-I think that would be quite nice.

-Fiver for the gloves?

-That's a good... Oh, no!

-He said eight.

-You're doing it again!

-I'm in a hurry.

Catherine Southon, will you please get a handle on your celebrity?

-You and your mouth.

-I know.

-Alastair offered five.

-I didn't.

-Five is way below.

-Don't listen to Alastair.

-She is the boss.

-Come on, we've bought a couple of things.

-£2?

-All right.

-We're done.

-We're done!

-I think that's really good! Strange but good!

-Good!

Strange?

Everything about this shopping trip is a little peculiar, frankly.

-Bob's got a secret room.

-The little rascal!

How many violins have you got, Bob?

There must be close on 100.

-Do you play the violin?

-No, I don't.

-What do you...?

-The flamenco and the guitar.

-Give us a tune. I'll try.

Whose is that handwriting?

"My dear friend, with love..."

Rosanne Cash. Johnny Cash's daughter. Friend of mine.

-Oh!

-The Cash family traced their ancestry here to Royal Borough Falkland.

-Really?

-Ahh! Gosh!

HE PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE

-Ohh!

-I love that.

-Thank you!

-That's really good, Bob.

Delightful.

Now, get a move on.

Can I have another look at that bowl? What do you think that'd make?

I think that could make 90 or 100.

-Where? Here or in Kent?

-In Kent. It would more here if it was in an Aberdeen auction.

I can see that making 30 or 40.

So we'd lose money. We've got to be realistic. I love it and I love the decoration.

Would £50 buy that? HE SIGHS

-Do you want to pull up a chair, Bob?

-I think I'm gonnae faint!

-OK.

Aye, £50 would buy it.

I do want to buy it.

-But £50...

-Yes.

-..and the plate and that's us done.

-Yes.

-The plate's 20. Would you take 15? 65 for both?

-Yes. You've caught me on a good day.

-Bob, I'm going to pay you before she changes her mind.

-No.

I'll be framing this. It'll remind me of the biggest mistake I made in my life!

Sadly, Bob, you're not alone in that feeling.

That's what they all say.

I don't know if we're heading north, south, east or west. Do you?

Fife is fast running out of kind-hearted dealers

and the shopping trip is fast running out of road.

But there's just enough left in the tank to get us another ten miles eastwards,

beyond Cupar, way out to the coast at St Andrews,

a place of great beauty, intriguing history and sometimes romance,

where William first had his head turned

by Kate's natural high-street style.

I'm really excited to be here. I've never been to St Andrews.

This is going to be fantastic.

Our celebrities have learned much from their trusty antiques experts

and the road-trip experience.

Now, gap year behind them, Alastair and Catherine are going back to university.

-Good morning. Alastair Stewart. How do you do?

-Hello. Ian Carradice.

Welcome to MUSA.

MUSA is the fascinating historical museum

of Scotland's oldest university,

the amazing 600-year-old seat of learning, here at St Andrews.

The vast collection of over 100,000 artefacts

has been lovingly curated from departmental archives

and open to the public since 2008.

The school was founded officially by the Bishop of St Andrews in 1411,

but it became a university when authorisation was received from the Pope.

And the Pope that authorisation was asked from

is Benedict XIII, Pedro de Luna.

He was the Antipope, the Great Schism, based at Avignon.

During a 15th-century blip, two sets of bishops voted in two different men as Pope.

Pedro de Luna was based in France

and briefly enjoyed Scotland's full support,

hence this cast of his skull here.

Pedro ultimately lost the top job to the other guy, based in the Vatican.

The first graduates were qualified to teach throughout the Christian world,

so a church-approved Bull of Foundation was essential.

When was this officially made a university?

When this bull foundation was issued in 1413 by Pedro de Luna.

-70 years before Bosworth, the end of the War of the Roses?

-Yes.

Two years before Agincourt.

The Battle of Agincourt was celebrated

for the prowess of its archers and their famous hand signals.

As military technology moved on,

archery became a popular sport for the wealthy and powerful.

From 1612, a most prestigious student contest

was staged on the beach at St Andrews.

The Silver Arrow Competition was an annual competition

to establish the champion archer of the university amongst the students.

The prize for the winner was to have a medal made, which would have his coat of arms

that would be added to the trophy, which was the silver arrow.

These are the original arrows on which all these medals hung.

It was a public competition. It was a real town event.

-The participants were teenage boys.

-Yes.

Because the students would matriculate at the age of 13

and depart at the age of 17.

They might've been young, but many were already wealthy and powerful

and often none-too-shy when fashioning their own archery award.

We begin with a modest-looking medal at the end there

from a laird's son in Fife

-and they progress, getting gradually larger as you go along.

-Yes.

And suddenly, they stop.

These are solid silver, as well, these last two.

The university intervened and said, "This is getting out of hand.

"These boastful boys are wanting to outdo their predecessors

-by producing a more flamboyant medal."

-Bigger and better.

"And the poorer students can't take part any more."

So they decided they'd put a weight limit of one ounce.

The winners were the students who could afford the equipment, the practice,

and so we're generally looking at the better-off students.

I'm interested to know what happened to this poor chap. There's a big hole there!

Did one of his fellow students afterwards say,

"I think I should've won that medal!"?

Each year, the winners' medals were all hanging.

It's not impossible that it could've been hit by a stray arrow.

Of course, it's always good to know who you're aiming at,

especially in this here antiques game.

And with our upcoming contest in mind,

it's time to reveal the rather considerable amount of items they've all been buying.

Call your loved ones. It's going to be a long night!

-Tails. We go first.

-OK.

These are three magazines,

and they are articles and illustrations

from the First World War.

-It's quality illustration.

-Oh, yes!

-We paid £25 for the three.

-Anything that you can do...

-We can certainly do better.

Well, pressed flowers are the obvious antidote to war.

We have bought a number of rather lovely and unusual...

-And slightly damaged.

-Not yet.

-LAUGHTER

The thing that worries me is that it lends itself to the idea of somebody buying the lot

and then spending quite a bit of money framing them

and then they would sell.

Alastair is learning this game fast. What's next?

-Ha-ha! The walnut...

-Cracker.

What I like about it is that it's perfectly obvious that it's been used.

And the nut's been in there and that's happened, and I like that.

Sold.

-Oh, is it a set of four?

-Well done. I've got a set at home, as well.

PHIL: Would you like four more? The problem with these is,

they're marked and the artwork's not great.

I think the artwork's good. You're just making this up.

Oh, I like that. That's lovely.

Now for Alastair's stationery box

which, maybe, could've been a bit cheaper.

-How old do you think it is?

-Edwardian?

I do think it's Edwardian. I'd put an estimate of 60 to 90 quid.

If it made 120, it wouldn't surprise me.

Lovely. Well done.

Look out. It's Kirsty's propellers next.

I like that and Kirsty liked this, so we thought we'd buy them both. I think this is a real gamble.

-It's got to be 100, 150.

-No. No.

-You think that's too high?

-Yes.

Now, let's take a closer look at the potential for profit here.

-Are these Art Deco?

-A night at the opera.

-PHIL: Can you see?

-Yes. They're proper lenses.

It was when you pointed out the amount of work in them...

And that's very pretty. That's very Art Deco.

CATHERINE: I think they're very elegant.

-Hallmark silver...

-Napkin ring.

-But with it...

-ALISTAIR: A napkin?

..you get a table. Look at the look on Catherine's face!

ALISTAIR: I like the napkin ring. BOTH: I'm like the table. I don't see the connection.

-Did we rehearse that?

-We didn't!

We liked the table and we thought we'd got it for a good price. If we get 50, we'll be delighted.

There's a profit there.

-OK...

-Those are fantastic.

-KIRSTY: Those are beautiful.

I love that!

Look! The chair.

I know exactly what you're thinking about!

-I do!

-No, you don't.

-KIRSTY: Tell her.

-No.

-They're firewood.

-No. Flipping disgusting, perhaps, but...

It's yummy mummy. They are desperate to buy a duck-shaped rocking chair.

We have met their every need.

Let's hope there are yummy mummies at auction!

Is that lovely? ALASTAIR: I like that.

This is Scottish pottery.

The yellow and the black of the birds is fantastic. That's my favourite so far.

-This complements it ideally...

-This is Scottish pottery.

-It's a fishing float!

-It's still got the sand on it.

-I might pay 40 or £50.

You little belter!

Three glass eyes. Why do people want them?

-What do they do with them?

-PHIL: Why did you buy them?

-She told me to.

-OK.

-I didn't tell you to! I merely advised!

-Sorry, "advised".

-They're a good bit of fun.

-KIRSTY: What did you pay?

-10.

-You pinched them! Absolutely pinched them.

-Aye-aye.

-Aye-aye!

This was made at Seaton Pottery outside Aberdeen.

-This obviously is very weathered.

-CS: It's lovely.

-It's naive and that's what I like about it.

-Primitive.

But we actually bought it and decided it would go with something we bought yesterday.

Would you like to stand up?

It's...

OK, it's a chopping block. PHIL: It's a butcher's block.

On legs, those are worth 150, 250.

We gave a tenner for it.

-That could sit on that.

-Exactly.

I'll concede that.

Great. But how would our anchors spin each other's shopping stories?

-What about the propeller?

-I think that will crash from the sky.

The magazines are fascinating. I wouldn't put them to auction.

-It's not something I'd buy.

-They're a bit macabre.

What did you make of what Philip said about the box?

I was really hoping you wouldn't bring that up.

I don't mind whether they win or we win, as long as it's us.

With that great generosity of spirit,

it's time for us to move on towards the ultimate test of antiques prowess.

-With Kent, you think vegetables.

-Big, old houses.

-Absolutely.

And the garden of England, but this is industrial Kent.

This is ports and ships and breaking yards.

I went to school with a chap whose father had a ship-broking business

and I asked if that was like insurance brokerage

and he said, "No, we break ships!" HE LAUGHS

Here he goes again.

Eastern Scotland has done our celebrities proud,

from handsome Edinburgh,

through the hidden treasures of Fife.

Now we take a dramatic leap,

landing up a whopping - wait for it - 522 miles south,

here at lovely Sheerness, on the east Kent coast.

You've changed, I notice!

I've changed into my dress that I bought for £40.

Things like your fisherman's ball,

that should do well here in what is very much maritime Kent.

Absolutely. And think how many sailors and pirates only had one eye!

HE LAUGHS

This is lovely, isn't it?!

-Very picturesque.

-Really beautiful.

I can't understand why more people don't come here.

It's finally auction day.

We want our celebrity teams hungry for the challenge.

You're looking very elegant and raring to go!

Partner in crime.

Shall we propel ourselves? Enough puns already!

More than enough, thank you.

Frederick Andrews Ltd opened their doors to auction hopefuls in 2004.

Resident auctioneer Michael Walkling has taken a very good look

at Kirsty and Alastair's combo lots for sale.

The World War memorabilia I think is going to struggle, if I'm honest.

The glass eyes! Yes!

An attractive lot. We should find somebody to buy them.

I've no idea what they'll do with them, but I suspect they'll make £20 to £30.

A very eclectic mixes of some items, where the napkin ring goes with the table and such like.

We may struggle with that.

So abandon all hope, perhaps!

Kirsty and Alastair started their antiques adventure with £400 each.

Kirsty side-stepped austerity to go shopping mad,

spending a wonderful £310 on ten items,

combined now in six auction lots.

Alastair was bold and decisive, yet actually spent very little -

a mere £127 on seven items,

now also in six auction lots.

Well done!

So hold the front page and smoke 'em if you've got 'em. The auction is about to begin.

This is very cosy, isn't it?

-Sorry!

-No, you're fine!

First to spoil for a fight

are Kirsty and Phil's vibrant sporting prints.

-£25 cost. They will make...?

-50.

-Good girl!

-Alastair?

-Fighting cocks up first.

Shall we say for those £30 for the set of four?

Nice set of four prints. £30.

20, then. 20 I've got. Five anywhere now?

22? 25? 28? 30. £30 bid.

Selling at 30, then.

You just made 50 pence.

-We made £5.

-No, we have to pay commission.

OK, we made 50 pence. I am so disappointed.

There's plenty of time for disappointment.

Let's get on with the rest of it first.

Alastair and Catherine's nursery combo is next.

I feel you're not feeling sentimental about this?

No, I think that the chair would do better somewhere else!

..and a pair of kid gloves.

-Gloves and chair!

-£30 somewhere?

Easily worth £30. 30 I've got.

32 bid. 35. 35 bid.

38? Done at 35!

Ah, but it's worth much more than that.

-Be thankful for small mercies.

-Be thankful for small gloves!

Whilst Alastair complains about doubling his money,

the eyes have it next.

I think the eyes are going to be a winner.

There's a lot of people in here with just one eye.

-Unusual lot. £30 for the three somewhere?

-Come on!

£20, then? Easily worth 20. 20 I've got.

-20!

-Can I bid on these?

25? 28? 30?

£30. 32.

Selling at 32!

-Yay!

-What did you pay for them?

-A tenner.

Cheer up, Phil. Your unusual but handsome

table/napkin-ring combo is next.

Furniture has been going quite well.

We'll probably put a stop to that.

I can start on commissions at £20.

-Ooh, commissions!

-30 here. 35.

40 here. Five. 50 bid. Five. 55. 60 anywhere?

There at 55!

-Well done.

-Oh, my God.

-That's good.

-I feel a bit happier now.

Alastair bought this in Edinburgh, much to Catherine's disdain.

Can his haste be vindicated today, in Kent?

A very pretty lot, that one.

65, I'm bid. 70 anywhere? Disappointing price, though.

65 with me.

70 in the room. Five here. 80? Five here. 90?

85 in. 90 where?

Here at 85. Are you all done at 85?

Robbery with violence!

With Alastair complains about another decent profit,

perhaps Kirsty and Phil's pretty pressed flowers can quell his rage.

I can feel the Edwardian flowers tanking!

What shall we say? £30 for those?

20, then? Easily £20, surely? £10?

10 I have. 12 anywhere?

12 I have. 15? £12 bid.

15 where? There at 12, then.

I don't think Kent is ready for pressed flowers yet.

But they've got lots of marshes.

Ouch! I think we all expected that delightful collection to do better.

Rough justice in Kent today.

We don't get bogged down in a sad lot.

Your butchers block and dairy bowl

offer a chance to claw back some money.

-You're fairly relaxed about it all, aren't you?

-No! Not in the slightest!

How can you say that? She's sitting on the edge of her seat!

Start me somewhere round about £100. Start me at 80, then.

80 anywhere? Easily worth that, I would've that.

-50 I've got. 55 anywhere?

-Come on.

55. 60. Five. 70. 75. 80.

85. 90. 95. 100.

-And five. 110.

-It's beautiful.

Here at 105. Are you all done at 105?

-Good.

-That's all right.

Much better for Team Wark there.

Next up, we've got... Has anybody seen the...?

They've got to find them first.

-They were in the cabinet.

-Because they're very valuable! That's why!

Ahh, here you go.

There we are there. Nice pair, there.

What are they worth? £40.

30 anywhere?

-Come on!

-25, I'll take.

25 bid. 28 anywhere? 28 bid.

30, sir? 30 bid. 32. £32 bid.

35 anywhere? 32, then.

Excellent. I'm sure that double-money profit

will lift Alastair and Catherine's spirits. Finally!

Ahh...

I'm really disappointed with those. I thought they might make more. I thought they'd go about 50.

Well, let's keep Kirsty and Phil buoyant at least.

The next one, rather unusual lot. It's the oversized fishing float

and the Scottish Spongeware plate.

Start me at 40.

40 anywhere?

£30, start me. Anybody at £30?

-I can't believe that.

-20, I have.

20, I have. 25 anywhere now?

30 bid. 35, sir?

At 30..

Gutted. Gutted, gutted, gutted.

I'm really, really upset by that.

Gutted.

Honestly, what can we do to cheer this room up?

How about some First World War cartoons?

-Just waiting to be cut out and framed, to be honest.

-Yes!

Probably about one pound each for the plates. £30 for the lot.

-Come on!

-£20 somewhere.

-15 I have. 18? 18. 20.

-That's what we paid.

-22?

20, I'm bid. Two anywhere? At 20...

-Oh, Alastair!

-Are you going to buy those back?

-I can't believe that.

-It's a cruel world.

It is a cruel world.

Oh, dear. Well, let's give Alastair and Catherine

one last crack at success, shall we?

I can't bear the tension! Pressure.

You could turn it over and have it as a gavel, any budding auctioneers!

£10 for this one. Who wants that for a tenner?

-Keep going.

-Lady at 10. 12 anywhere? 12 here. 15 where?

-£12 here. 15 where?

-Come on!

-There at £12.

-This is our last thing!

-You made a profit.

-PHIL: How much was it?

-£7 profit, less VAT and...

-Commission.

-Commission.

-Declarations of war...

-Christmas presents...

PHIL: You've doubled your money. Poor old you!

Last, for a sky-high ending, Kirsty and Phil's fine propellers.

I think the propellers are going to go big style.

-I've got a feeling.

-Which way?

-Up the way.

-You think so?

Absolutely. There's the kind of people in here that like propellers!

£100 for the two somewhere? Easily worth that, I would've thought.

50's all I'm bid. Five anywhere now? 50 I'm bid for the two.

-55 anywhere?

-Shall I start the car?

-Cheap lot. No real interest.

Here at £50. 50...

I think there's only one thing to do,

which is be grown up about it and go and sulk somewhere.

Difficult to know what to say, isn't it?

Our celebrities began with £400 each.

After auction costs were removed,

Kirsty and Phil's sad loss turned into a devastating £78.76.

Kirsty and Phil end their trip with just £321.24.

Despite disappointment,

Alastair and Catherine made a flourishing profit of £50.12,

finishing their road trip with, yep, £450.12!

All the money our celebrities and experts make will go to Children In Need.

So well done, everyone, especially today's victors,

Alastair Stewart and Catherine Southon.

-KIRSTY GROANS

-Crash and burn.

-Well done.

-Oh!

-HE LAUGHS

I am gutted. They had so many bargains in there from us.

I was going to say "Back to the day job" but worryingly, that's what I do!

It's too late for regrets, Philip!

-I think it's time to start the car.

-No. Come on!

-No, I'm sorry.

-We'll go and have a drink.

That's my girl!

-Toot-toot!

-She may have lot the action...

-Bye!

-..but she's won the driving seat.

It's shotgun for Alastair and road ahead for everyone.

Farewell.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]