Quark Games Danger Mouse

Argh!

# He's the greatest

# He's fantastic

# Wherever there is danger he'll be there

# He's the ace

# He's amazing

# He's the strongest, he's the quickest, he's the best

# Danger Mouse

# Danger Mouse. Danger Mouse. #

Is this the end for Danger Mouse and Penfold?

Will the Nagathrondian space beast eat them?

Wait a minute, did I miss the whole episode?

I mean, it did take me a while to find my car keys this morning,

but I wasn't that late.

He's got a point, Penfold.

-Can you remember how we got here?

-No, Chief.

One minute I was mopping the bathroom back at HQ,

and then, "bam" I'm here being chased by a...

Nagathrondian space beast! Argh!

Oh, well done, Chief. I don't even remember you setting the trap.

-Funny, neither do I.

-You can't remember because it's my trap.

Know how you can tell? Because it works.

-Jeopardy Mouse! The world's best secret agent!

-Hm, hm.

Second best secret agent. Erm... Joint best.

Oh, carrots! It's not a competition.

Well, while you two were running around like headless chickens,

I've set 35 standard rope snares,

one textbook log-rope-ram...

Argh!

..and a one regulation 10 by 10 pit drop.

Argh!

PENFOLD WHIMPERS

Meh, rather sloppy fern work.

Where on earth are we, anyway?

This is a bit of a guess, but is it France?

Sorry, boys, but wherever we are, it ain't earth.

Welcome to the first-ever, transgalactic battle show starring

the greatest warriors in the universe,

and it's named after who else? Me!

-It's the Quark Games!

-Hey, look who's got a big head.

Hey, at least I've got a head, all right?

For only 99 wumas, you can watch them compete against monsters in 4D,

smell-ovision, taste-ovision,

and get this, it's in colour.

No refunds.

Welcome to the Quark Games!

I can't believe he kidnapped us to appear in his twisted game show.

Worried you're not up to it? Don't worry, I'll protect you.

I don't need protecting, and I don't play games. I'm a super spy.

Well, I suppose you can just forfeit and I'll take the trophy.

There's a trophy? Oh, you're going down, Loser Mouse.

I think there's been a mistake.

I'm more of a worrier than a warrior.

INDISTINGUISHABLE RESPONSE

No, it's completely different. Hello?

Stick with me, Penfold, we'll be victorious. We always are.

Oh, at least there's lot of places to hide.

Eek.

-Argh!

-Stand tall, stand ready, stand...

Stand somewhere else!

Deploy emergency wing suit!

Crikey! I hope you've got one of those, Chief.

Of course I have, but folding it back in my pocket

can be a nightmare. Ah, here's our...

Oh, crumbs!

Danger Mouse has tamed a fire-breathing, flying

dragon monster!

-Piranhas!

-Oh, I like the sound of that for a team name.

What do you think, Penfold, should we be "The Piranhas"?

-Alien piranhas!

-Meh, not sure, a bit over the top.

Oh, I see. Oh, don't worry, I've got just the thing. Ta-da!

Oh!

Yes!

Argh!

Don't panic, I'll find you, eventually.

And in only the time it takes to say,

"Danger Mouse defeats wave after wave of competitors",

Danger Mouse defeats wave after wave of competitors.

Meanwhile, Jeopardy Mouse is matching our hero, victory for victory.

What, are you kidding me? This is meant to take weeks.

Nobody's going to watch this garbage.

-I'm going to get crushed in the ratings.

-Hey, buy a brain.

-The camera's on.

-It's pure excitement, ain't it?

But just wait till you see what I have in round two. Starting now!

Cor! Quark might be an evil, insane alien megalomaniac,

but at least he's laid on some home comforts.

-You again!

-"Loo again!"

I mean, "You, again!" I haven't seen you for at least 10 episodes.

Did you think there was just a normal toilet

-sitting in the middle of an alien jungle?

-Maybe.

-There was a phone box earlier.

-Nobody sits on Dr Loo-cifer.

-Oh.

Argh!

Aren't you worried about what's happened to Penfold?

-He usually turns up.

-But he could be miles from here.

Help me!

Told you.

Aren't you coming to help? What kind of secret agent are you?

One who likes a spot of fishing.

Urgh!

Argh!

You've sat on me for the last time!

Get back, you sinister cistern!

Ha! This suit is designed out of wipe-clean, antibacterial,

stain-resistant polycarbonate and...

Ew, ew, some of it went in my mouth!

-Say, "ah".

-What?

Oh, ouch! Oh, no, please! Ouch! Bad piranha! Argh! No! Argh! Bite-y!

-That's giving them something to chew on.

-Cor, thanks a million, Chief.

All right, Quark. You've had your fun, now let us go.

Yeah, give me my trophy and let us go.

Give you the trophy?

Well, I don't see you vanquishing any mad toilets.

I had him right where I wanted...

-Oh, so getting flattened was part of the plan, was it?

-Happy thoughts.

-Happy thoughts.

-Silence, squabbling Earthlings!

There can only be one winner of the Quark Games.

You must fight each other to the end.

And if we refuse? Jinx.

Then I will paint planet Earth white,

and use it as the ball in a game of intergalactic ping-pong.

Screening Saturday nights at 9pm for a huge subscription fee!

No refunds.

Crumbs, that's a good answer.

Looks like we don't have a choice. A fight to the end it is.

-Don't worry, I'll make it quick.

-Yeah? I'll make it quicker-er.

-That's not even a word.

-It might be.

-And yet it's not.

Will you two stop arguing, and let's think of a way out of this?

THEY WHISPER

There it is, folks. The moment you been waiting for. The grand finale.

Who will be the ultimate Warrior?

Will it be Danger Mouse,

-Jeopardy Mouse or the other one who's scared of toilets?

-Charming.

-Intergalactic warriors!

-Fight!

-Sponsored by Quark Scratchings.

They ain't pork but you'll wish they was!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-Argh!

One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.

-Hey, no cheating.

-No, no, no.

-This sucks.

-No-one wants to watch stupid thumb fighting.

Time to check out what the competitors

said about each other in the pre-match interviews.

Jeopardy Mouse, what can I say?

I mean, I'm a natural, gifted, exciting,

spur-of-the-moment kind of secret agent.

She's more of a boring, learned it from a book, type.

Not a very good book, either.

Ooft! That's not part of thumb war!

Danger Mouse is the most irresponsible, immature

and unprofessional spy I have ever had the misfortune to work with.

Call me immature?

Argh!

Remember, kids, these are trained super spies.

Do not try this at home,

but if you do, wear a helmet. In fact, always wear a helmet.

Everything's safer, that way.

We've got a hit!

-Argh!

-Argh!

Stop it, you two.

Don't you care what the universe thinks?

Wouldn't you rather keep your dignity

-than win some silly game show?

-No.

-No.

Crikey. Where did everyone go?

-Argh!

-Boo-ya!

Regulation pit trap.

That's how a professional spy does it. By the book.

-Argh!

-Hey!

-We got a winner! It's... Uh.. Penfor.

-It's "Penfold", doofus.

Sorry. Penfor Doofus!

The winner will now raise his trophy and triumph!

Crumbs, this trophy's heavy.

-Hang on. There.

-Oh, thanks.

Could you give me a hand with this bucket?

-Oh, phew. A soft landing.

-Hm, hm.

Eww!

Some friends of ours would like a word, Quark.

It's only... folks.

-Don't take it personal.

-It was his idea! I want to go solo.

Bravo, Penfold.

-Your idea to distract Quark worked brilliantly.

-Eh?

I mean... Yes, it did, didn't it?

-I'm driving.

-Why do you get to drive?

Oh, no, here we go again.

You're driving on the wrong side of the road!

There is no road, it's space! Oops. Almost hit that planet.

-I'm taking the controls.

-Are we there yet?

-Are we there yet?

-No.

-No.

-Jinx.

And so our heroes head back to earth, where they'll find that

the planet has been taken over by a superior robotic life form.

Tune in next week for more thrills, puny humans.

# He's the greatest

# He's fantastic

# Wherever there is danger, he'll be there

# Danger Mouse

# Danger Mouse

# Danger Mouse. #