The Spy Who Came in with a Cold Danger Mouse


The Spy Who Came in with a Cold

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CHIEF!

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# He's the greatest, he's fantastic

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# Wherever there is danger he'll be there

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-# He's the ace

-The ace

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-# He's amazing

-Amazing

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# He's the strongest, he's the quickest, he's the best

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# Danger Mouse

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# Danger Mouse

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# Danger Mouse! #

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BOOM

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London! The end of another ordinary day for the ordinary people.

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But what of the extraordinary people? What of Danger Mouse?

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Seriously. Does anyone know?

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I got the script very late, I haven't had a chance to...

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WHOA THERE! Back up! What?!

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HORNS BLARE

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Has the world's greatest secret agent been reduced to...?

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Directing traffic. I ask you, is there anything more dull?

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I quite like it, Chief. Ha-ha! I think I'm a natural.

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CRASH

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Anyway, we haven't got a choice, have we?

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The Colonel said we had to help out because all the police are off sick.

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Sick of their boring jobs! Oh! What I wouldn't give for a little...

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RUMBLING

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ELEPHANTS TRUMPET

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Elephant stampede!

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That's what I call "heavy traffic". Hmm...

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Funny, they were very well-dressed for a herd of elephants. Penfold?

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Huh. I hate elephants.

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Why do you hate them so much?

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Did something happen to you as a child?

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You mean...the incident.

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We don't talk about the incident.

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That'll be important later. Come on, Penfold.

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-Time we got on with doing what we do best!

-Jigsaws!

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No, the other thing.

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PENFOLD SCREAMS

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HE SNEEZES

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Major crisis, DM, and it is sick!

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Bad sick or good sick, Colonel?

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-Sick as in wicked!

-Um... Bad wicked or good wicked, Colonel?

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Oh, I don't know! It's so hard to keep up!

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I'll let the Professor explain. I'm going for a lie down.

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Listen to me, whatever you do, stay away from crowded places!

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COUGHING AND SNEEZING

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-And that's important, is it?

-It's vital!

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There's been a mass outbreak of...elephant flu!

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Hah. It'll take more than a few germs to scare us, eh, Penfold?

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MUFFLED SPEECH

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-Pardon?

-I said, "Speak for yourself, Chief."

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The progress of the infection is rapid.

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From mild symptoms to full-blown jumbo in less than a day.

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I wouldn't like to meet him in a dark alley.

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How dare you, Danger Mouse!

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DANGER MOUSE GASPS

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-Colonel! What happened to you?

-Me? Nothing!

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-I'm right as rain.

-I haven't told him yet.

-Understood.

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I won't say a word. So what about a cure for the Colonel? Colonels. Ah!

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-The Colonels. Ones who DO have elephant flu.

-There is no antidote.

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No? So what do you call THIS?!

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Oh! Oh! Oops! Ah!

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I really hope he's got a spare.

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Hang on, I've got one somewhere. Um...

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Um... Ah! This! That's right, Danger Fools.

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The epidemic is the work of I, Baron von Greenback.

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Starting in London, the disease will spread to the whole planet

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unless you make me the ruler of the world! Mwuhahahaha!

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I won't let you get away with this, Baron!

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HE SNEEZES

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Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a lie down? Mwuhahahaha!

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-Are you all right, Chief?

-Don't worry!

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I've trained my body in the microscopic martial art

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of Germ Jitsu. I am immune to all...

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HE SNEEZES

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Ah! Professor! Do something!

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I'm sorry, Greenback has the only antidote.

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SHE SNEEZES

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At least we're unaffected, eh, Primrose?

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There's still time to get that antidote.

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HE TRUMPET SNEEZES

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AH!

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Have I got something on my face?

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BEEP BEEP

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Penfold, is that really necessary?

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-What if you're too poorly to stop the Baron, Chief?

-Really, Penfold!

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-Do I look ill?

-Um... You have gone a bit...grey.

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Oh! Typical elephants!

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-Always causing trouble!

-What's your problem with elephants anyway?

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-What happened?

-You mean...the incident?

-Yes.

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I was only a child. I spent my childhood travelling -

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Neasden, Kilburn, Willesden Green.

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By the age of six I'd seen most of central north-west London,

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-but I was happy.

-Is this a long story?

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-The world IS in the grip of an epidemic.

-You asked.

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Just, you know, highlights.

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I was happy until one fateful day, shortly after I learned to speak...

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..and those are my top 50 pencils.

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My parents accidentally left me by the side of the road

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and drove off really fast.

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I was adopted by a circus. They made me part of the elephants act.

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-And that's why you hate elephants?

-No! It was amazing!

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I was so happy until one day,

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shortly after I learned the harmonica, they accidentally

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hurled me onto a passing cargo ship crewed entirely by elephants.

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They put me to work in the boiler room.

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-And that's why you hate elephants!

-Best time of my life!

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WHY DO YOU HATE ELEPHANTS?!

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You know Felicity in Colonel K's office?

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The secretary who accidentally sat on you?

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Two days I was under there!

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-I call it the Dark Time.

-Good name.

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I'll use it for the time I spent listening to your story.

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-Ah, we're there!

-Where?

-The Baron's hideout.

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To avoid contracting elephant flu himself,

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he's been hiding in the one place he knew there would be no crowds.

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Stationary World of Fun!

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Who on earth would visit a theme park dedicated to stationary?

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-Hmm.

-I've got lifetime membership.

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Well, don't you look silly?

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Says the toad in the big bubble!

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You mean my totally elephant flu-proof plastic sphere? ATTACK!

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Ha! Like I can't dodge a big plastic ball!

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HE TRUMPET SNEEZES

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AH!

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Ow! Ow! Ow, ow!

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Getting old now.

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MUFFLED SPEECH

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-What?

-Use the trunk, Chief!

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The antidote!

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Even when I should be taking a sick day,

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I'm more than a match for you, Baron!

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HE TRUMPET SNEEZES

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-AHH!

-Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Hee-hee-hee-hee!

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Too slow, Danger Mouse, or should I say, "Danger Elephant"?

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HE SNEEZES

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THEY SNEEZE

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-Ahhhhhh...!

-Oh, crumbs!

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ELEPHANTS TRUMPET AND STAMPEDE

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This is the end of civilisation.

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-The whole world is infected.

-Everyone except you, Penfold.

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Ah, well, I've taken precautions.

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The mask, the disinfectant, the gloves...

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All of which you left at the theme park.

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Penfold's DNA is 100% elephant flu-proof! He's immune!

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Just like me!

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-Eh... Yes.

-Oh, absolutely, Colonel.

-If you say so.

-It's not possible.

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To develop this resistance, you'd have to have been subjected

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to elephant particles under extreme pressure

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while sealed in a hot place for 48 hours.

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Well, Felicity sat on me for two days.

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That would do it.

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The good news is, I can make an antidote from your DNA.

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Will it hurt?

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HE SCREAMS

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DING

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Now we just need to distribute it to the rest of the world!

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HE GROANS

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-I'll do it.

-You can barely walk.

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Penfold, it's up to you to save the planet.

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Oh, crumbs.

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Hurry, Penfold.

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You need to drop the antidote into the city's water supply.

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On my way, Professor.

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Watch out for the dung pile! Whoa! House! Elephants' bottoms!

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It's Felicity all over again!

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Penfold, reverse! Reverse!

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The Dark Time.

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Penfold, there's no need to be scared of an elephant's bottom -

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apart from all the obvious reasons.

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The Dark Time. The Dark Time.

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Penfold, use the wings!

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I did it, Chief! I did it!

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Hands on the wheel, Penfold.

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We're here!

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I can't believe I'm going to save the world all on my own. Ha!

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BIRD GROANS

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PENFOLD GASPS

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Hee-hee-hee. Now that was close.

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And so the antidote has been distributed worldwide

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and the great elephant flu pandemic is over.

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All that remains is the small matter of an apology.

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Penfold feels bad about all the nasty things

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he said about elephants.

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After all, in a way, Felicity sitting on him saved the world.

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Quite right. Well, here she is. He can tell her himself.

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Penfold?

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Penfold?

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-MUFFLED:

-The Dark Time. The Dark Time!

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THEY LAUGH

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Join us again for another crushingly exciting

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jumbo episode of Danger Mouse!

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# He's the greatest He's fantastic

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# Wherever there is danger he'll be there

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# Danger Mouse

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# Danger Mouse

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# Danger Mouse! #

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BOOM

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