Grendel's Cold Dead Gorgeous

# Some things have changed

# Some things have stayed the same

# Life and death are not so far apart

# Oh! I'm walking through the walls

# And I wouldn't have it any other way

# Life and death are not so far apart

# From where we are

# Some things have changed

# Some things have stayed the same

# Life and death are not so far apart. #

Come along, children, all aboard.

If only we had somewhere exciting to go this half term.

Yet we may still have a wonderful time.

I intend to paint and embroider.

It will be as our holidays used to be.

I do not understand how things could ever be as they were.

I know they cannot, yet I would like to try.

Well, I intend to embrace the new.

By looking through a magazine?

Miss Ideas replied to my letter, look!

"Dear Miss Ideas, how may I make the most of my holiday?

"In the past, my sisters and I embroidered,

"yet this holiday I wish for something far more modern.

"Please help."

Here are Miss Ideas' top tips for a lush holiday.

"Tip one, lip gloss and sun screen are a must.

"Tip two, be careful with your belongings. Statistics show

-"people are three times more likely to be robbed whilst on holiday."

-Oh!

-Goodness!

-"And tip three, always wear sunglasses."

-Oh!

You see how quickly I adapt!

Oh!

The bus is leaving now with the remaining students.

And Headmaster Griffith thinks we're travelling with our guardian.

Oh!

Come to the common room in 20 minutes - I have a plan!

From what I have observed from television,

modern holidays always involve eating far too much.

Balloons also seemed appropriate,

and acting in a slovenly manner is actually encouraged.

They also seem to involve being with one's family,

and I know that that cannot happen,

but with the other pupils away, we may have the next best thing,

our ghost family!

-Atchoo!

-Happy holidays!

-Hi!

Yet why are you allowed to leave the graveyard?

The boundaries that constrict us are of our own making,

and with Agatha attending the Inhuman Resources Conference,

she can't stop us, you know?

Books!

Plus looking at the same four gravestones day in and day out,

super dull.

Aye, it's nice to have a change of scenery.

And we will have so much fun acting slovenly together

and eating far too much.

Atchoo!

Well, that wasn't me! I don't have a cold.

Warriors don't get colds - their bodies are far too strong. Grrr!

Atchoo!

You most certainly do have a cold.

But how can you catch a cold, you're a... You're a ghost?

Well, it's very honourable to die in battle, but...

Grendel did not die in battle.

No, I was on my way to battle.

I was all geared up for some serious enemy crushing

and then I got a cold. Atchoo!

And then I died and I never got to crush my enemies.

Her cold returns a few times a year.

-Atchoo! Actually, I call it Bob.

-You call your cold Bob?

Aye, it's been around for a very long time.

He comes back to remind me of my dishonourable death.

-But don't sweat it, you can't catch it.

-Oh, no, no, no!

No, you see, Bob is a cold that only affects the living and me.

A-a-a-a...

atchoo!

SCOTTISH MUSIC

Oh, that's nasty.

I'm sorry.

RETCHING

I must away to sunbathe.

Headmaster, Jonathan, why have you all returned?

The school bus broke down.

And until it's fixed, we won't be going anywhere.

But what are you doing here?

I thought your plans involved travelling with your guardian?

Well, yes, indeed, they certainly do,

and my guardian has been delayed until tomorrow.

You're on the same boat as the rest of us, then.

Oh, Christine,

-will this affect your exotic trip with your parents?

-I don't care.

She's still hoping David will ask her skiing instead.

Skiing with David? I do not know precisely what skiing entails,

yet it does seem a terribly modern way to holiday.

Don't get too excited, because he's not going to ask you, is he?

Well, he may.

Look, you're weird, and I have amazing hair.

It's obvious I'll win. I always do.

Grendel's cold!

Oh, Christine?

Oh, terribly sorry,

I just noticed you had a little something on your lip there.

You are such a freak!

Stand aside, kids, and I'll open up.

Oh, no, the ghosts!

Atchoo!

Atchoo!

Quickly, everyone! They have returned.

-Who has?

-Mr Griffith and the bus full of students!

-Now hasten, all of you, to the attic!

-Hurry, we must go.

-I'm going!

Hey, what's...what's with all the balloons?

So everyone has returned?

Indeed, and now everyone is watching my DVDs and eating my crisps!

And our home is a school once more

and therefore even less like holidays used to be.

Well, on the plus side,

at least now I have a chance to have a truly modern holiday with David.

-Skiing?

-Yes.

Yeah, so I think I'm going to go check out the scene.

Buddy, you cannot risk it! Our secret must not be discovered.

Hey, no-one tells the Budmaster what to do.

Buddy!

Right, well, I'm going too.

I want to see if the living can still feel my wrath!

But, Grendel, no! Please come back!

Wait for me!

Buddy, Grendel, please!

There are many other pleasant forms of recreation.

I could teach you to embroider! It is most rewarding.

Who's Buddy and Grendel and why are you wearing that?

These clothes are my holiday attire.

And Buddy and Grendel?

They are my imaginary friends.

You have imaginary friends who you talk to?

HE LAUGHS

Yes, Charlie. Yes, I do.

BUZZING

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must speak with them urgently.

-Hello, Charlie.

-Hi, Hazel.

I hope you've come to help me contain the ghosts.

'Atchoo!'

But they are dead ghosts, not living ones,

so others can't see them, remember?

That is not the point and, besides,

they may not be able to see them, but they can most definitely hear them.

SCOTTISH MUSIC

Come on, show me what you've got! Yeah, show me what you're made of!

My goodness, what is happening?

Sophie, look, Grendel is challenging a suit of armour!

Is it not entertaining?

-No, it is not!

-Come on!

Well, I'm...I'm going to go check out the Music Room.

You, I can take you down, come on!

See you later, babe!

Shouldn't you go after him? I'll deal with things here.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Chill out, Sophie.

Grendel, listen to me, it is only a suit of armour you shout at.

What are you doing, Sophie?

Why, I am talking with the suit of armour

as it is a custom among my people.

What, Brits?

Yes, why not?

Atchoo!

Hey, guys, I've been looking for you everywhere.

Yeah, well, we're not talking to you right now.

You made us ill.

But that... That wasn't my fault!

Yeah, well, it's still really annoying.

Freak!

"I put my hand over his icy cold cheek."

Love On The Fang?

I've never read anything like it.

It's about the complex love between girl and vampire.

He wants to suck her blood, but he's such a dreamboat!

And the world just doesn't understand.

Well, for a book, it sounds rather good.

"We come from such different worlds..."

But now I must away to convince David

I am the perfect skiing companion.

"No, Melanie, forgive him!

"He can't help it, he's just so dark!

"We must fight to stay together at all costs..."

Atchoo!

David, how are you,

and have I mentioned that I have rather vague plans this holiday?

Indeed, they are plans that could easily be changed,

-in case you were wondering.

-Atchoo!

-Oh.

I'm actually not feeling that great.

Oh, heavens.

Have you seen Christine? Please tell me you have not.

I was sitting next to her in the common room. There were crisps...

Atchoo!

Man, I feel bad.

I'm going to go lie down.

Oh, do not worry, David, I will tend to you.

Atchoo!

Atchoo!

Hazel, the guitar, it's...it's floating!

Can you see it?

No, no, I cannot.

Atchoo!

I don't get it.

Look, Mattie, you were ill,

it's making you delirious, you're imagining things. Whoo!

Oh, it's cold in here.

Right, honestly, really delirious.

Imagining coldness and floating guitars!

GUITAR PLAYS

-Come, I'll take you to bed.

-But...

Do not worry, David, I will watch over you

until you are well once more.

Atchoo!

-Oh, not you too!

-Yeah.

What about looking after me, your best and also very ill friend?

Nothing will happen if I nurse you back to health.

What do you think is going to happen if you make David better?

He will fall in love with me, of course!

Surely you must know that, Jonathan?

I love it. I want it.

I need it! Atchoo!

Well, try it on, then.

It's certainly your type of outfit.

In this armour, I will be unstoppable!

SCOTTISH MUSIC

Atchoo!

Oh, it's a bit heavy, but I will get used to it.

I will be unstoppable.

Atchoo!

Headmaster, have you caught Bob too?

I fear he may be running through the school at great speed now.

What? Atchoo! Who's Bob?

And why is he running?

Never mind, Sophie, I'll catch him.

I meant to say, have you caught a cold, Headmaster?

Perhaps you should retire?

Atchoo!

You're right, Sophie. Perhaps that would make me feel better.

I'm putting you in charge for now.

COUGHING

This is bad. Terribly bad.

Everybody, if you go to your beds, I will tend to you.

Please, you must rest!

I can save this situation.

I simply have to do what our darling governess, Mildred, would have done.

But what must I do first?

I know what to do! We should get Love On The Fang II!

Melanie and Christian are adorable, you know?

When he bites her, it's just so romantic.

"No man will ever love me as you do. An emotional..."

I know, Aunt Mildred's medicine!

Once everyone has taken it, they will feel so much better,

and then I may finally paint.

I must away and prepare a batch.

You must be brave and take your medicine.

OK, A, I'm not five and, B,

that stuff really stinks. Can't I just take some cold remedy?

This is cold remedy and it is the best cold remedy.

Once you have taken it, you'll feel much better, I can assure you.

Open wide.

Come on, there's a good girl!

Urgh, that stuff tastes foul...

I think I'm going to be sick!

Goodness! I'm sure this medicine has not made anyone else feel so poorly.

COUGHING AND RETCHING

I'm unstoppable! Feel my wrath.

Grendel, no! No!

Atchoo!

Do not be alarmed, I fetched the suit of armour.

It was me, nobody else.

Who else could it possibly be?

But why?

I thought it may make you feel better.

What is wrong with you?

Apparently everything.

I'm sorry I'm so upset, it is just, although my plans were slight,

I was truly looking forward to things being as they were.

But then we turned up.

And the pupils came back.

And I made everybody ill.

Oh, actually, that may not have been entirely your fault.

I...um,

I wiped my hanky on Christine.

I was trying to ruin her chances of holidaying with David.

I did not mean to make everybody sick.

-I am truly sorry, Sophie.

-As am I.

I let myself get carried away having fun with Buddy and Grendel.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Sophie.

We will make it up to you.

Yeah, we'll put everything right.

-What can you do to make things better?

-You'll see.

Christine, why are you here?

Because my friends are mad at me for giving them this stupid cold.

Oh.

What's going on?

Oh, David, do not worry, it is me, Rebecca.

I have been tending to you tirelessly.

-Atchoo!

-Oh.

Oh, right. Cheers.

Do you not have anything else you wish to say to me?

Um, no.

Really? Nothing you want to say to me? Nothing at all?

Why will you not ask me skiing?

Why, David, why, why, why?

-Do you want to come skiing?

-Well, yes, please.

OK, sure. Mum and Dad's lodge is massive,

so there's a ton of spare rooms.

Oh!

You don't look very happy for a girl who had just got what she wanted.

Well, I had imagined it would be so much more romantic.

Well, you still annoyed Christine.

That's normally a plus, right?

Normally, yet I have acted appallingly and...

..well, I actually have no idea what skiing is.

-Atchoo!

-Oh!

Oh, oh, let me help you.

Oh, you have sick in your hair.

I mean, there, there, do not worry.

Listen, I'm sorry about everything.

I did not think you would mind of my going skiing with David,

as you have such an exciting trip planned with your parents.

Yeah, but...you have some plan to go travelling with your guardian, so...

Actually, I do not. It was a lie. Therefore, skiing seemed like

the perfect opportunity to do something exciting on my holiday.

Yeah, well, mine too.

I do not understand.

You're not the only one who lies, Rebecca, or feels like you've

got to make out your life's better than it actually is.

So there is no exotic trip?

Atchoo!

There's an exotic trip...

for my parents.

They're going to some five-star resorts in the Maldives, only...

Only I'm not invited. I'm getting palmed off on to my aunt.

Atchoo!

You know, you're lucky, Rebecca -

you get to be with your sisters, and that's what the holidays are about.

I have a theory, and in order for it to work,

I need to be certain of something.

As Bob caused your death rather than battle,

do you think your death was really dishonourable?

COUGHING

Come and see, Grendel.

Look at the pupils, Grendel,

and tell me, do they seem dishonourable?

No, they're just sick.

Atchoo!

Which means, Grendel, that there was nothing

dishonourable in your illness, either.

It is not your fault, Grendel.

FAST SCOTTISH MUSIC

BURPS

Oh, he's gone!

Bob's gone.

Oh, I feel much better and stronger.

I do not understand.

As long as Grendel continued to blame herself, Bob stayed with her.

-He was merely a symptom of her own guilt.

-See?

-Oh! Oh.

Jonathan, David, how are you both?

-Yeah, loads better.

-Yeah, me too.

Good. David, may I first thank you for your kind offer

to accompany you skiing? However, I have realised that I must

spend this holiday with my sisters. You should ask Christine instead.

I feel her schedule may be a little more open to change than mine.

OK, I'll ask her. Whatever.

Hey, Rebecca!

That was pretty big of you.

Well, I discovered a little more about skiing and I gather that one

must whoosh and slide through snow, wearing ridiculously large shoes,

which would not really suit me at all.

I've been looking everywhere for you. What have you been doing?

Saving the day! Want to listen?

ENGINE STARTS UP

Pretty fine work if I do say so myself.

Indeed. Pretty fine.

You did not have to do this, you know.

Yeah, I know, but you just wanted your holiday

to remind you how stuff used to be, and I get it.

So come tomorrow morning, the others can leave.

We'll get out of your hair too.

Strange how it just mended itself.

I took it for a test run this morning, engine purred like a kitten.

Right, last stragglers and we'll all be set. Now, where's your guardian?

I can't leave you here to run riot.

She's waiting over there, Headmaster.

Oh, hey, Mr Griffith, over here!

Excellent. Toodles!

Bye-bye, have a nice holiday!

Have fun, girls. ..Thanks, driver.

THEY GIGGLE

Bye.

Did it work?

-Like a dream.

-Oh, cool!

Well, we'll leave you to enjoy your holiday, then.

Please, do not go.

We have learnt that the modern holiday is all about family.

And we are rather like a family, are we not?

The balloons are still up, and I found us some more crisps.

-Well, in that case, then...

-I guess we're going to have to stay!

Oh, can I dress up in the armour again?

-OK, cool!

-High five!

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