The Mole M.I. High


The Mole

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Transcript


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RADIO GIVES FOOTBALL SCORES

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The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

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Old-school spies have had their day and MI9 must create a new breed of

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skilled undercover agent.

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Hidden in a place no villain will think to look.

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Welcome to MI High.

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Sir, how come Mrs King's moving into your office?

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Will she be Headmistress?

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Certainly not! If she thinks she can just barge in here,

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she's got another thing...

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FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

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Mrs King!

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-Would you like a hand with those?

-Yes.

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And the reason I'm barging in is because my office is far too small.

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On my desk with those, please, Oscar.

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Sorry, your desk?

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We can't work on the same desk.

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I got you a new one.

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That thing?

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Ah, the school's exam results.

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We all know whose fault they are.

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Right, I'm off to get the rest of my things.

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I'm really not very happy about all this.

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No, wait!

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I can't get out!

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Right, bank raids. Very exciting.

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Well, bad. But exciting.

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Every one of these is a bank raided in the last week.

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At each one all that was found was a blocked-off tunnel entrance.

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Looks like the work of the Mole.

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A few years ago he tunnelled into high-security vaults. Stole loads

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-of really cool stuff.

-So we go catch this Mole guy. Simps.

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For the last two years, the Mole's been imprisoned to MI9. Good call.

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The bank raids can't be him.

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Carrie, Oscar, I want you to figure out where the new mystery tunneller

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will strike next.

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Mini tasers disguised as memory sticks.

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Cool. Why memory sticks?

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Because they give out a zapping you won't forget!

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Nice one. You got me my hair gel?

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Don't tell me. Melts through metal?

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Actually, it's just plain hair gel.

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What am I doing?

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Ah, this is the really exciting bit.

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Officer Gupta, meet the notorious Mole.

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If anyone knows who's been tunnelling into these banks,

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he does.

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Relax. The floor's galvanised resin, tunnel-proof.

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But why me? Can't you talk to him?

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I tried. He wouldn't say a word.

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The Mole is clever. We needed someone just as intelligent.

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Remember, Gupta, the Mole is not to be trusted.

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Good luck.

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No, please, don't be scared.

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And put that light out. I can't stand bright places.

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No. You prefer tunnels.

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You know where you are in a tunnel.

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-Underground?

-I made some of the best tunnels in the business.

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A one-man moley miracle, they called me.

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Yeah. And look where it got you, in a cage eating through a straw.

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SIPS IN A SINISTER MANNER

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That's because if they gave me a spoon,

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I could have tunnelled my way out.

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-Yeah, right.

-Oh, really?

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So how have I single-handedly escaped prison six times?

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Not so clever now, are you?

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Now, who can tell me why people fail exams?

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Donovan?

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Err... Is the answer B?

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Stupidity, that is one reason.

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But most people fail

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because of fear.

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So, I thought we could discuss some of the other fears you may have

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in a sort of "fighting the fear" workshop.

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OK.

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So, Timothy, you first.

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What might you be afraid of?

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Are you kidding?

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People are afraid of me.

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-RAPS:

-Yo, yo, yo.

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# The Scoop. The Scoop

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# Because I'm a Super Scooper. #

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Super Scooper? Isn't that what you pick up dog mess with?

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LAUGHTER

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So, what about you, Oscar?

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Come on. You've got to be afraid of something.

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Yeah, that I'm sitting next to you in every lesson.

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It seems Oscar's not talking, as usual.

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So. What about you, Davina?

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Um..

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-I'm scared I'll never get on Big Brother.

-And corduroy.

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We can't stand corduroy.

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-And folk music.

-And nose hair.

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It's MY office, Frank. Mine.

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I've had enough of her bossing me around.

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What am I going to do?

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Stand up to her, boss. Show no fear.

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Right.

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MOBILE RINGS

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-Hello?

-Frank, it's bad news.

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There's been another bank raid.

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The Phantom Tunneller strikes again.

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If we can just figure out which bank they're going to strike next.

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I'm trying to find a pattern.

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-Maybe Rose'll come through.

-You can't always rely on Rose,

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-especially whilst you're still on trial.

-On trial?!

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MI9 keep an eye on all new recruits, just in case they...slip up.

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You mean, we could go back to being normal schoolkids?

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You mean we could get chucked out?

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Just a formality. I've got something that might help.

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My Data Optimising Theoriser, or DOT for short.

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I've loaded all data about the bank raids.

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It might be able to figure out a pattern.

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WHIRS

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Although it is a work-in-progress.

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-Well, what does it say?

-"The bank that will be

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"raided next is... is...

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"Hmm, tricky one.

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"How the bleep should I know?"

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It's got a cup-holder.

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'The Mole strikes back.

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'The return of the Mole'? But I haven't done anything.

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I know. The papers don't think you're the Mole.

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'MI9 have the wrong man.'

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They think that two years ago, MI9 jailed the wrong person, you.

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And the real Mole is still out there, doing the bank raids.

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But I'm the real Mole! I never did boring old bank raids.

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I stole top-secret cars from MI9.

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I was magnificent.

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Yes, and now maybe someone's trying to be just as famous.

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The crimes could be the work of a copycat Mole.

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A copycat? Why didn't I think of that?

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CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS

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Good evening and welcome to Criminal Masterminds.

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This week's guest is Luke Withers!

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Luke, a pleasure to have you here.

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No, really. The pleasure's all mine.

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Who am I kidding?

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-It's all yours.

-LAUGHTER TRACK

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Now, look.

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You're here because you know the identity of the infamous Mole.

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The man behind the most audacious crimes in history.

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So tell us,

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who is the Mole?

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Well, brace yourselves.

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It's me. No!

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Yes. Never would have guessed.

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So tell me. How did you manage to tunnel into these amazing places?

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Well, let me introduce

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the Mole Machine.

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-Come on. Come on.

-No, no! No, no...

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You've got to face your fears, Donovan.

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Forget they're corduroy. Think, "They're just trousers."

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But it's like a forest.

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A forest of corduroy.

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Trousers, Donovan, trousers.

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You're obviously afraid of something. Just tell me.

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Or else I'll hang around with you every hour of every day every week.

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OK. All right. I'm not...

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I'm not a big fan of the dark.

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-You're scared of the dark!

-Avril!

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I did it! Yes!

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Trousers? Losers, more like.

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-I didn't know you were teaching folk music.

-No!

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No! I can't take it. Make it stop.

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Yes, well, it is an acquired taste.

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As am I, in fact.

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Which is why I don't think we should share an office.

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I'm sure I can cope with your weird little habits.

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No, what I'm trying to say is, I want you out. I'm not scared of you.

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Now, really, Mr Flatley. Everybody's scared of something.

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Well, not me.

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I don't have any fears of whatso...

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Moles!

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I can't stand moles!

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Do you think that one robs banks?

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I want you out of my office by 3 o'clock. Do you hear me?

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Another one. That's over 20 banks tunnelled into by one person.

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A serial bank robber.

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They must have a pattern.

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But if we can't work it out, I'll have to tell MI9 we're not up to it.

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No way. Not while we're on trial.

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We're gonna crack it. We have to.

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-Oscar, I hate to admit it, but maybe this is too much even for us.

-Wait.

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DOT.

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DOT.

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What's he doing?

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I spy with my little eye something beginning with M.

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-Mole.

-And guess where he's gonna strike next.

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-It's a bank not far from here.

-So we get a SWAT team, go to the bank.

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You want me to order a huge, unbelievably expensive SWAT team

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over a dot-to-dot?

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If we're gonna get fired, might as well do it in style.

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Let me get this straight.

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The Mole is going to tunnel into this one last bank?

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And then what?

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I'll be the most famous criminal in the history of...

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I'm late! Don't worry, Mole fans.

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I'm going to record every second.

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I am now in the Mole Machine plotting a course straight down

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for 20 metres, by which point I will start tunnelling,

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and laughing,

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all the way to the bank. Ha-ha!

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We'd better have the right bank, Oscar.

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Of course we do. In every bank he's raided,

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the Mole has tunnelled up through the floor of the vault.

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All we have to do is wait.

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I am a mole and I live in a hole. I am a mole and I live in a hole.

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I am a mole and I live in a... Argh!

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Weird.

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This is not one of mine.

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I'm lost.

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This is now totally freaky, Mole fans.

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I'm now in someone else's tunnel.

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Some sort of control panel.

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'You are here.'

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'Tunnel network linking all underground MI9 bases.' MI9!

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Mole fans, you are not going to believe what I've found.

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Imagine the headlines. Wait till I tell the papers.

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The nearest MI9 base is...

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..right near St Hope School. Weird.

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Setting a new course, Mole fans.

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Back to school!

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If we don't find that Mole, we are so out of MI9.

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Frank.

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I understand.

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You and Carrie head back to HQ and we'll see you there later.

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I take it the Mole didn't show.

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Hello! This blithering bank robber isn't the real Mole, I am.

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-It's OK. We know you are.

-Don't trust him, Rose.

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So. A whole SWAT team for nothing?

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Maybe Carrie and Oscar aren't cut out for spy work after all.

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What? They're great. You should have seen them on the last mission.

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(Frank, what on earth were you playing at...)

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Um, actually, I do know somebody who might be doing these bank raids.

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I probably have a point?

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-Really? Who?

-I'll tell you on one condition.

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-I knew it.

-I just want to go underground one more time.

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The musty aroma of soily...

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Hey, some people like the beach.

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All that sand in your whatsits. Ugh!

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If I get you somewhere underground,

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-you promise to help my friends?

-Mole's honour.

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There is one place I could take you, if they let me.

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I should never have let you talk me into this.

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You do know he's escaped from prison five times.

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-Six times, actually.

-Flatley!

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Ah, Frank.

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-There you are.

-All right, boss?

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No, I'm not all right.

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-The mole, Frank. The mole.

-You've seen the Mole?

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Horrible furry little thing.

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Can't you get rid of it?

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Talking of getting rid, you got her out your office yet?

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Is there a problem?

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Um. That depends on whether you have vacated my office or not.

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I'll leave you to it.

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You weren't seriously asking me to move again?

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I've got enough to do turning this feeble excuse of a school into...

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Mrs King. This may not be the best school in the world

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but it is my school and if you intend to stay on

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as deputy headmistress, I suggest you get used to it.

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Now, I believe you have an office to vacate.

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Now according to the map,

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there should be an underground MI9 base somewhere round here.

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I'm going to head topside, look for signs.

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LOUD CRASHING SOUND

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No sign of an MI9 base.

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Just a grotty old school.

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Must be under here somewhere.

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Mm!

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I love the smell of soil in the morning. It's like...

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It's largely decaying vegetable matter.

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FRANK CLEARS HIS THROAT

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So who is doing all these bank raids

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and how did you escape from prison all those times?

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I told you.

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Spoons.

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Oh, all right.

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I had a tunnelling pod.

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A Mole Machine.

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That's how I did all those amazing crimes.

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But in prison you can't have used the machine to escape them.

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Unless the one-man miracle wasn't one man after all.

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A sidekick.

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We had a deal, remember.

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His name's Luke Withers.

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He helped me build the Mole Machine, until they built that cage.

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And with you stuck in jail,

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he decided to carry out the bank raids on his own.

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Pretending to be me, the cheeky little...

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I've found him.

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There's nothing like an address.

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He never told me where he lived.

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Great. How's that going to help Oscar and Carrie catch him?

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Mole! A giant mole!

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Sir, are you all right?

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No!

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No, it can't be.

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The same as the ones found in the bank.

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What would a bank robber be doing here?

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Frank, it's me.

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This is so weird.

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-It must be Luke Withers using a Mole Machine.

-We'll explain later.

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But if Withers is at school, he must be looking for HQ.

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Carrie, Oscar, you've got to stop him somehow, and quick.

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Finally, we get to go down a tunnel and whoop this guy.

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Hang on. He's probably blocked it off like he always does.

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Maybe if he's looking for us he hasn't had time...

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Oh, it's because of the whole scared of the dark thing.

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I'm not scared. Just...

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Look, we're on trial and I could mess it up for both of us.

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Here, standard-issue glow sticks. And...

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..power torch.

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Plus I'll be with you the whole of the time.

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-Trust me.

-Let's do it.

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Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

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And let them chuck us out of MI9?

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Come on.

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Let's try this way.

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It's got to be here somewhere.

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Although I am kind of going round in circles.

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BOOMING

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Wait.

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What was that?

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Relax, it's probably just a man-eating tunnel beast.

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Don't muck about.

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You know I don't like it down here.

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Yeah and I told you there's nothing to worry about.

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Except that, maybe.

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Where is this stupid base?

0:23:140:23:17

Hey?

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People.

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This must be the MI9 base.

0:23:230:23:26

Rose, we've found the Mole Machine. What do we do?

0:23:260:23:30

What do you think? Leg it. Come on.

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Right, you two, prepare to be Moled over.

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-Come on!

-Carrie?

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You've got to tell us how to stop that machine.

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If you let me out of these.

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Wait. I don't trust him.

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Nice try, but we're not that desperate.

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Come on. Come on! Nearly there.

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Come on!

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Keep going. Faster.

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You two are right in my sights now. Come on!

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They're growing on me.

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-Very bling.

-Frank, he won't try anything. I know it.

0:24:210:24:25

You seriously want to trust him?

0:24:250:24:28

OK. But only if you tell us how to stop that thing.

0:24:300:24:32

The outer shells are highly conductive metal.

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If your friends can put enough electricity through it,

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it might short-circuit the controls.

0:24:380:24:41

Guys, take the covers off your memory sticks

0:24:450:24:47

and connect the yellow wires.

0:24:470:24:50

-It's a dead end.

-We're trapped.

0:24:500:24:53

-Oscar, focus. Where's the memory stick?

-Careful.

0:24:530:24:57

We need to combine the codes.

0:24:570:24:58

How are we going to get it onto the Mole Machine?

0:24:580:25:01

I've got an idea.

0:25:010:25:03

Hold this.

0:25:030:25:05

What are you doing?

0:25:060:25:09

Ugh! Get it away from me. Gross.

0:25:110:25:13

Put the memory sticks in, quick.

0:25:130:25:16

-Hair gel?

-It's to help it stick.

0:25:200:25:23

Oscar!

0:25:230:25:25

Come on. Faster. Come on!

0:25:260:25:29

The controls!

0:25:410:25:42

Never fear, Mole fans. The Mole will return.

0:25:570:26:00

And when he does...

0:26:000:26:02

Oh, no. I forgot to put the batteries in.

0:26:050:26:08

Oh, no.

0:26:110:26:12

-That's how to catch a mole.

-Excuse me, I'm the Mole, thank you.

0:26:160:26:20

No, WE were the Mole.

0:26:200:26:22

We were a team, remember.

0:26:220:26:24

Then you can be a team again in jail.

0:26:240:26:26

He always got the headlines, bragging how he worked alone.

0:26:260:26:29

That's no excuse to rob banks.

0:26:290:26:31

Wait. Where's the Mole?

0:26:310:26:34

I knew he couldn't be trusted.

0:26:340:26:36

COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING

0:26:520:26:54

I was only pretending to trust him so he'd help catch Withers.

0:26:540:26:58

You've got so much to learn about me.

0:26:580:27:00

Check it out, corduroy shoes, corduroy trousers, corduroy hat.

0:27:060:27:10

-FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

-Shh, I'm trying to listen.

0:27:100:27:12

So all the underground HQs in Britain are connected by tunnels?

0:27:160:27:20

MI9 are full of surprises. Half the fun of being a spy.

0:27:200:27:23

Which you two certainly are.

0:27:230:27:25

The boss says you're no longer on trial

0:27:250:27:27

-and that you make an impressive team.

-Unlike some people.

0:27:270:27:31

But you told me I had to move out.

0:27:310:27:34

Yes, but you can't go.

0:27:340:27:36

I need you to stay and protect me.

0:27:360:27:39

Oh, all right.

0:27:390:27:43

Now you sit there.

0:27:430:27:44

I'll keep an eye out for these...

0:27:440:27:48

giant moles.

0:27:480:27:49

Not that I'm scared of them or anything.

0:27:510:27:54

-Or you.

-No, no. Of course not.

0:27:540:27:59

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0:27:590:28:01

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0:28:010:28:05

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