Three Spies and a Baby M.I. High

BELL RINGS

Me and Mark went to that new shopping centre. It was cool.

We were at my cousins'. A big family thing. I have a lot of cousins.

What about you, Oscar? You done anything at the weekend?

Nah.

TOYS SQUEAKING

What the...?

This week, we have a very special assignment for you.

BABY CRIES

'The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

'Old-school spies have had their day

'and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent,

'hidden in a place no villain will think to look.'

Welcome to MI High.

Now, these are computerised infant simulators.

And they are just like the real thing. They need feeding,

changing and cuddling, 24/7.

And you are going to be looking after them for the next few days.

They are a big responsibility - just like the real thing.

The only difference is, our robot babies will be keeping tabs on you.

They record when they are comforted, AND when they are neglected.

Mrs King and I will be looking after one.

At the end of the two days, we'll download the data from each baby

to find out who in the class is the best parent.

BABY CRIES

BABIES CRY

Give it up for Keith! The newest member of the posse.

BABY SQUEALS

Got it.

-See those pictures get to the papers.

-What about Troy?

Sorry, I can't risk him making a mess on this top.

It's designer, you know?

But...

It's all right.

-Look, Oscar. Doli's got your eyes.

-Doli?

D-O-L-I.

Navaho Indian for bluebird, silly.

-It's your turn to hold it.

-Er...no. Miss King gave it to you.

FAINT BUZZING

Oi!

BUZZING

I've just remembered something I've got to do. Sorry.

Oscar!

I'm not raising this child on my own!

BING-BONG

CLUNK

DING

I see we have a new recruit.

What have I told you about bringing unauthorised objects into HQ?

BABY GIGGLES

Hmmm...

That's Hannah and Olaf Stein.

That's why I called you down here.

The Steins are the two cleverest people on the planet.

KEYBOARD CLICKS

Some of the stuff they've invented is out of this world. Literally.

-They've even got a fan club.

-Don't tell me.

You can access their blog... and you get a badge.

222?

-Their IQ.

-Dude,

-you need get out more.

-That's their neural interface machine.

That's why MI9 are nervous about the Steins.

Last week it was stolen from a lab in Smorgasbord.

That's in the Arctic Circle.

The Steins programmed a network defence, that MI9 just installed

into our computers, to protect them from a cyber-attack.

The Steins are in the country to deliver a lecture

on hyper-intelligence and the fight against crime.

That makes them a prime target for SKUL.

You are to escort their limo.

Ensure it reaches the conference hall safely.

CAR HORNS BEEPING

Five minutes.

Thank you.

Is there a problem?

They're just dropping something off. It will only be a minute.

Is there anything I can get you while we wait? Water?

-A snack, something to read?

-No, thank you, we're fine.

Oh.

"Is there anything I can get you?"

They've disappeared!

The Steins have been kidnapped.

BABY CRYING

Not all of them.

Delivery van was found abandoned a couple of streets away.

-There was no sign of the Steins.

-The Grand Master's been after them

for years, and this has the hallmarks of a SKUL job - sneaky,

-smug and annoyingly efficient.

-How could you let this happen?

-All you had to do was get the Steins to the conference.

-Look,

-I promise we'll find them.

-Yes, we will.

Because I've put MY best people on the case.

Please, there must be something we can do?

-There is. What's the name of the baby?

-Grace.

-Mmm-hmm.

-I read the blog!

Well, seeing as you're clearly naturals, you can look after it.

Uh!

I must apologise for the temperature in here,

but this equipment gets very hot when it's running,

and this is the only way to keep it cool.

We know. We invented it.

And let me tell you, I went to a lot of trouble to steal it.

You should be proud of yourselves.

All we care about is our daughter.

-Where is she?

-Please, we want to see Grace.

And I want to get out of this miserable cold.

So do us all a favour and plug yourselves in

to the neural interface machine.

How is it possible that something so small, can make so much mess?

Looks like we've got another Picasso.

I SO don't get modern art.

I've got some gadgets for you.

Very funny.

And I've got something that tells me when Grace needs changing.

It's called a nose. And this one's got your name on it.

Frank...call out the biohazard squad.

That thing's poo is toxic.

Ooh, definitely weapons-grade material.

I found some instructions online.

You're looking at how to raise a baby, on a website?

Are you serious?

Like everything in life,

you just need to approach this scientifically.

She does realise Grace is not a machine?

How are we meant to look after a baby,

if we can't even look after ourselves?

Maybe we don't have to.

What?

Watch and learn, Homes. Watch and learn.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star...

millions of light-years seem so far.

Pi is a very, very long number. E = mc2 was...

MUSIC PLAYS

You hear that? Where have I heard that music before?

Now, there's no need for that, young lady.

ICE-CREAM VAN MUSIC PLAYS

Hi, Rose. Would you like some chocolate sauce with that?

I'm quite capable, thank you.

Course you are.

How about raspberry ripple?

No, really. Thanks.

It seems being a dad has brought out the friendly side in Scoop.

Any word on the Steins?

Not a sausage. It's like they've disappeared into thin air.

They're not the only ones.

What have you done with Grace?

Scoop!

Well, someone's in for a big surprise.

Rose is such a swot. She's practically a cyborg.

Which makes her a perfect mum for the baby.

Why swap babies?

Try and keep up, Home.

Without knowing, Rose takes care of Keith.

Then, at the end of this week, when we swap the babies back...

reports get downloaded and we look like wicked dads, innit?

BABY GURGLES

It's moving and everything.

Seriously, it's just in there.

In there.

You actually thought this was a flesh and blood baby? Eh?

W-w-w..

We need to have a serious talk about the human anatomy.

Go!

Ridiculous.

It moved!

Ah, so, how are the new parents doing?

Ha-ha! These robots...

..are remarkably realistic.

WATER TRICKLING

Oops...

Someone...has had a little accident.

Good thing it's only water.

Hmm.

Linda.

Oh...new timetable?

No, headmaster. This is the new schedule for OUR robot baby.

As you can see, it's colour coded.

Feed time, cuddle time, play time, sleep time.

Oh, very impressive. Even a complete idiot should be able to follow it.

Hmm, we'll see.

The baby needs a feed now, but I've got to go out.

Right, er, leave it to me.

It'll be good to spend some one-on-one time together.

It's very simple. Feed it, burp it and put it to sleep.

Don't you worry about a thing. Our little treasure is in safe hands.

Aren't you?

Ah! Yummy milk!

Look, I'll show you.

Mmmm.

What's up?

Look! The MI9 mainframe is under attack. Someone's hacking into it.

-Don't worry about it.

-What if they get through?

They can't. The new cyber-defence system

is designed at MI9 by Hannah and Olaf Stein.

There's no-one in the world clever enough to break through.

Ah, false alarm, then.

No prob. Time to go home anyway.

Why don't I have Grace tonight? I'll keep an eye on the hackers

and wait for an update from Stark about the Steins.

-But, I was going to...

-You could do with a break, Oscar.

-You're sure you know what you're doing?

-Of course.

When I was living with the Nuwanga people of Africa,

I had the privilege of seeing how they raised infants.

There's a lot we can learn. It's actually quite humbling...

Oh...looks like it's just you and me, then.

Zab-aba-bab-a!

Bribbl-iblur!

No.

BABY CRYING

How did you know...?

HE BURPS

HE BURPS LOUDLY

Cho-cho-cho-cho.

Woo-woo!

Brrr-rrr-rrr!

Brrr-brrr.

Chuca-chuca, chuca-chuca...

..and they all lived happily ever after.

Now, then, it's time somebody went to sleep.

GURGLES

But we've read all the books.

The competitor's ef...

..effectiveness is limited by the hydraulic pressure in the vessel

once the angle has exceeded 20 degrees.

Even I don't understand this!

Come on, Grace, you must be tired by now.

STEREO PLAYS RAP MUSIC

Scoop!

Scoop!

Scoop!

MUSIC STOPS

You're going to upset the babies.

What are you doing?

CALMING FLUTE MUSIC PLAYS

No!

MUSIC STOPS

-I don't think so.

-Scoop!

BELL RINGS

Ah!

Have any of you seen Frank?

-No.

-How come?

He hasn't shown up for work and there wasn't a message to say

he'd be late, or anything. It's most unlike him.

I don't suppose you've seen Frank, have you?

ELECTRICAL BEEP

Frank, come in.

Pick up, if you're there.

Frank!

What happened? Was it SKUL?

Shhh!

Where's Grace?

She's only just gone to sleep.

Please don't wake her!

-Can we get you something?

-Ice cream.

COMPUTER BEEPS

That can't be!

The hackers only have one firewall left to break through.

Frank, you were meant to keep an eye on things!

So much for no-one being clever enough

-to break through the Steins' security system.

-Oh, no.

Unless it is the Steins.

Agent Stark, Agent Gupta here.

Yeah, Gupta, I don't have time to talk, we're under cyber-attack.

I know what's going on. It has to be the Steins.

No-one else can break through their own security system.

Don't be ridiculous, the Steins will never work for SKUL!

SKUL must be forcing them. You have to take

the entire MI9 computer network offline.

We'd be blind! SKUL would run rings around us!

If that final firewall falls, SKUL will have access

to every scrap of MI9 data.

Details of every agent, blueprints of every gadget,

records of every mission.

Sir?

Pull the plug!

Now! You better be right.

MI9 took their system off line

before we could breach the final firewall.

This is not our fault. Please...

Fear not, this is precisely what I had planned.

Now the real fun can begin.

Should have done something.

I feel so...

so thick.

Don't beat yourself up.

You were trying to outsmart the Steins.

It would be like Scoop trying to outsmart you.

Thanks, makes me feel a whole lot better.

So, what are we going to do?

That's the point. There's nothing we can do.

I don't deserve this membership.

You don't fancy taking your turn?

With these nails? I don't think so.

Oscar.

Oscar!

There you are. We've been looking all over...

Who's that?

Whoops...

Er, this is Grace.

So this is the "thing" you had to run off for,

that's more important than your own baby?

-Avril, it's not like that.

-You know what, Oscar?

I don't want to listen to your excuses.

But you owe Doli an explanation.

Hu! Wow, that was better than a soap.

Wow!

I think you've really captured something.

Not!

You know what I really fancy?

An ice cream.

'A crime wave is sweeping the nation.

'Police are pushed as resources are stretched to the limit.

'Looting and vigilante behaviour is up.

'Speculation is mounting as to who will step in to save the nation.

'We'll bring you updates later.'

What about Grace? When do we see her?

Oh, you've not finished yet.

But MI9's computers are off line. Isn't that what you wanted?

Of course, but sooner or later MI9 will come back on line

and then they will come after us.

So now, I want you to build an impregnable defence

for the SKUL computer system.

One that no-one will ever be able to break though.

Not until we see Grace.

Oh, very well. If you insist!

Avril. Look, I'm sorry about earlier.

No, I overreacted. My hormones are all over the place since the baby...

You've got secrets, and that's OK. I get it.

I just wanted to say I think it's great you're bonding with Doli.

Ahh-a-a!

Rose and Carrie are great, but they don't realise how lucky they are...

having family. They take it for granted.

I'd love to have a baby sister. It would be fun.

We'll find your mum and dad, I promise.

XYLOPHONE PLAYING

Ah, a musician as well as an artist.

SHE PLAYS A TUNE

This is exactly what Stark was afraid of.

Without computers to help predict SKUL's next move,

-MI9 are powerless to stop the crime wave.

-Its all our fault.

If they hadn't been kidnapped, this wouldn't be happening.

-If only there was a way of finding them.

-How, without computers?

What's the emergency? Leaky nappy?

Listen to this.

XYLOPHONE TUNE

I know that tune. It's the ice-cream van music.

-But it sounds like its being played on a xylophone?

-That's the point.

I don't understand. Who's playing it?

-Grace.

-No way!

Don't you see? All the stuff Grace has been making,

the drawings and shapes, it's triggering a subliminal response.

That's why we're all craving ice cream. I know it sounds crazy,

but I think Grace is trying to tell us something.

I could murder a choc-ice...

That's it! Grace's drawing.

It's the logo from the ice-cream van.

One was parked on the side of the road when the Steins were snatched.

-Knew I'd heard that music before.

-Was the ice-cream van involved in

the kidnapping of your mum and dad?

Yeah, Oscar, she can't talk.

No, but she can still communicate.

You're not seriously suggesting we listen to a baby?

You better be right about this, Oscar.

If Stark finds out we're following clues

given to us by someone in nappies, we'll be the laughing stock of MI9.

If we don't find the Steins, that will be the least of our worries.

-Why have you brought that?

-With everything going on,

we've been neglecting it. I may hate the assignment,

but I hate the idea of doing badly in class even more.

How are we to find the ice cream company with the MI9 computers down?

Next left.

How can you be so sure?

-Grace has drawn us a map.

-This has officially started to become

-a little freaky.

-Yeah.

Which way now, Oscar?

Just wake her up.

No. She'll be really cranky if she doesn't get her sleep.

The country's in the grip of a major crime wave

and our only hope of stopping it is taking a nap?!

-Can't we use the spypod?

-Not with the mainframe off line.

-There may be a chance of re-routing.

-Through the CIA database!

We need to reconfigure the algorithm protocols.

Or we could just ask this bloke.

Excuse me, have you seen an ice cream factory around here?

Cheers, thanks.

Of course, the Steins were taken from the limo, through a manhole.

They must have been smuggled into the ice-cream van the same way.

The Steins neural network interface machine.

The one that was stolen?

-What's it do?

-It allows you to plug a person directly into a computer,

So you can harness their brain power, like a microchip.

The Steins ARE the computer.

The question is, where are they now?

Can you access SKUL's computer to find out where they've been taken?

-It's protected by a three digit code.

-That's not too hard to crack.

That's 1,000 versions. If you get it wrong three times, it locks you out

of the system for 24 hours. It could take us till next year to crack it.

BUZZING

-Frank?

-'Stark's done a deal with the Grand Master.

-He's going to give them Grace.

-He can't do that.

At least she'll be with her parents. MI9 agents are on their way

-to take her to the rendezvous.

-I don't care.

-It's wrong. I'm not handing her over.

-'Oscar, it's an order.'

-Oscar, don't do something you'll regret.

-The thing I'll regret

-is giving Grace to the Grand Master.

-You'll be throwing away your career.

Family is more important.

Oscar. She's not your family.

Oscar, give it up.

There's nothing more we can do.

Please, can you give us a minute to say goodbye to Grace?

BABY CRYING

-Look what the stork brought.

-Grace!

I'm afraid the reunion will have to wait...

until you've finished my new computer defence system.

It's done. All I have to do is flick this switch

and SKUL will have the most secure computer network in the world.

Well, what are you waiting for?

BEEP BEEP

-Impossible!

-What's happening?

Someone is hacking into SKUL's computer network.

-If this is a trick, so help me...

-No, I promise you.

-Then do something.

-It's no good. Whoever is doing this...

-..is...

-Too clever for us?

But you're the cleverest people on the entire planet!

No. There is someone cleverer.

What?!

ARRRGGH!

Got a location yet, Rose?

Standby.

Lair 2B, Coldfinger Lane, Deadly End, Dungeoness,

'Essex, FB1 UGG.'

This is MI9!

There!

The Grand Master, go!

It's locked.

BABY DOLL CRIES

Grace!

Oh, Grace!

But how did you guess the three digit security code so quickly?

What else could it be? 222.

Maybe you're not so thick after all.

The question was, who to plug into the machine?

The only person in the world smarter than her mum and dad.

We wish to keep that a secret.

Super-intelligence is both a gift and a curse.

If SKUL discovered Grace's potential, any chance

of an ordinary life would be gone.

Thank you again, agents, for looking after our beautiful daughter.

We need to get you people out of here. STAT.

-But I didn't get a chance...

-We'll debrief later.

Goodbye, Grace.

Right, time to find out who made the best mums and dads.

Now, let's see...baby Keith.

Keith, a most unusual name for a girl.

LAUGHTER

As for parenting skills, you have none!

Next, is Doli, who's mother and father are Avril and Oscar.

85 percent!

That's excellent!

Remarkable. Davina and Donovan have topped that.

Which leaves just Rose and Carrie.

Come to think of it, where is your robot?

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING