Black Hole M.I. High

Traditional vacuum cleaners are tosh!

Can't go round corners or do your homework.

Clog up when you hoover your underpants. The solution is simple -

bin 'em! They're total bobbins!

Get your hands on a Zucker.

So clever, it moves around all by itself!

So powerful, it'll have the wig off a baldy at 10 paces.

The Zucker - one million sold in Britain!

The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

Old-school spies have had their day

and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

Hidden in a place no villain will think to look...

..welcome to MI High.

SHOUTING

Look out! She's coming!

Lockers - disgusting!

Walls - filthy! You, boy,

disgusting AND filthy.

Now listen up, you lot,

I am not having you treat this place like a rubbish dump.

Oh, and that's part of uniform, is it now, Oscar?

School tie, shirt, girlie ring?

Yeah, bro. Dress proper like the rest of us, innit?

You're next, Tinklebottom. Come on.

-Give it here.

-I was only trying to...

-Now, Oscar!

I am confiscating this until the end of the week.

Ah, Mrs King, guess what.

You've won a who's got the stupidest grin competition.

No, no, a crossword competition and the prize is...

a three-day trip to Honolulu starting tomorrow. Isn't it exciting?

Mr Flatley, this school isn't fit enough for human habitation,

and you want to take a holiday?

Now, I was thinking about these for the beach.

Or...you could get mopping.

Good.

SHE GROANS

BUZZING

Hello, Dave. It's me, Kenneth...

Your brother, Kenneth.

RADIO PLAYS JAZZ MUSIC

Will you get over it? It's just a ring.

It is not just a ring.

Frank, the doors are jammed again.

I know. I've been too busy working on a new spypod upgrade.

It remotely disables any electrical device

within a range of three metres.

-I was listening to that.

-Yeah, jazz - it deserved to be zapped.

Only the bigger the device, the longer it takes to work.

The Prime Minister? Frank, what's going on?

Ah, yes, our friend the PM. He's been burgled.

The thief stole a gold statue due to be given

to the Governor of Mumbai at a farewell banquet tonight.

Can't he just get him socks instead?

-The PM has already told everyone he's got him a statue.

-Oh, great.

So when word gets out someone broke into Number 10,

national security will be a laughing stock.

I say we check the Net for anyone trying to sell the statue.

If we can get to the keyboard.

-Frank, this place is disgusting. OSCAR AND ROSE:

-And filthy!

-I do not sound like Mrs King.

-Er, hello? We've got a thief to catch.

I know what you're going to say - how brilliant your new Zucker is.

Unfortunately, your unit has reported a fault, a very minor fault,

a tiny one, but we do repair all damages free of charge.

All part of the service. A service so good,

even the Prime Minister's got one of these, you know.

Oi! Get your hands off! That's my new Mega-Zucker.

Don't need your grubby mitts all over it.

Kids, eh? Personally, I blame the parents.

Erm...but blame the parents for making them so cute and adorable.

So we haven't found anyone selling the PM's stolen statue.

I've checked all known enemy communication channels.

Really? I just checked my spam box.

It's how most people try and sell you stuff.

'Downing Street...'

Sounded like Downing Street.

'..gold statue...'

-And gold statue.

-This has to be them sending a coded message,

which to most people looks like junk mail.

A master criminal will spot it instantly.

They could then crack the code and read the message.

Yeah, brilliant, but sender unknown. How do we find out who sent it?

The only way possible - crack that code before anyone else does.

Ah, Dave, you came. You've no idea how grateful I am.

Hey, what are brothers for? Besides...

you said there was a pony in it for me.

No, I didn't say anything about a horse.

No, no, a pony, you numpty. Means 25 quid.

Anyway, the problem is...

(..the deputy headmistress, Mrs King.)

She won't let me go on holiday.

Oh, how many more times?

Your the boss, Kenny. When are you going to tell HER what to do?

But I do...

Actually, no, I don't, which is why I need you to pretend to be me.

All you have to do is turn up and teach those classes.

French? You're having a laugh, ain't you?

Maybe this isn't going to work after all.

Kenny, Kenny, relax. We're identical, who's going to tell the difference?

-Now, go or you'll miss your plane.

-Right.

-Ah, ah, ah.

-Oh, yes, of course.

I nearly forgot - the donkey. £25.

# Honolulu baby, Honolulu girl... #

Rubbish. Right.

One day, Avril, you'll understand the excitement

-of a brand new vacuum cleaner.

-Why? Will I have had my brain removed?

What do you think, Mr Flatley?

A dozen of these scurrying around and we'll have the place clean in...

Oh, I see. Honestly, how stupid do you think I am?

What, out of ten?

I wouldn't let him go on holiday, so now he's trying to get back at me

-by dressing like an idiot.

-Hang about, this is my best shirt.

And talking like a mockney. Well, nice try, Headmaster.

Headmaster? Oh, right, yeah, of course.

I haven't got time for your stupid games.

Now, where's the on button?

VACUUM WHIRRS

It just goes around hoovering by itself?

Clean and intelligent, unlike some people.

I'll, erm, leave you to unpack the rest of these, Headmaster.

Well, you heard the woman. Get unpacking.

Chop-chop. Heh-heh!

What are you doing?

If Mrs King catches you in here, she'll go berserk.

She shouldn't have confiscated it. Anyway, I was only trying it on.

-Put it back quick before we get caught.

-I can't.

I can't risk it getting lost.

It was the last thing my dad gave to me.

He was a spy like us. For a while, he was based in Africa,

-that's where he got me this.

-Is this the dad you said you never met?

I was about four years old.

Africa was where he...went missing in action.

Seriously, Oscar. Rose and I tell you everything.

How are we meant to trust you when all you do is keep secrets?

All right, fine. I'll put it back. Happy now?

VACUUM WHIRRS

'New theft completed.'

Now, let's have a look. See what they've got.

HE CHUCKLES

A stupid signet ring, is that all?!

Zucker 2359, go back with your business

and find me something that doesn't suck!

HE LAUGHS

Doesn't suck. Do you get it? Because it's a vacuum cleaner. Suck.

HE LAUGHS

Right barrel of laughs you are, honestly(!)

But soon, we'll have Zuckers nicking from every home and office

in the country.

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

LAUGHTER

No, no, no. One Pepperoni Passion, two Hawaiians

and one extra large Meaty Monster. Talking of which...

-What on earth is going on in here?

-Oh, well, it's, erm...

it's advanced mathematics, ain't it? You know, chaos theory.

I thought we was just mucking about?

Headmaster, I know you're trying to wind me up

by acting like a complete Neanderthal,

but thankfully, I'm too busy to give a monkey's.

Oscar Cole, stand up.

-That signet ring I confiscated, where is it?

-What?

-What are you talking about?

-You were spotted coming out of my office

20 minutes ago, Oscar. Now did you take the ring?

-(You said you put it back.

-(I did, you saw me.)

-I didn't take it, I swear.

-In that case, my office after school.

And you, Headmaster - this stops right here, right now.

MOUTHS

BUZZING

If you did take it, you can tell me. I'd understand.

And just explain to Mrs King how much it means to you.

For the last time, I put it back in the box.

-Are you coming or not?

-Oh, no, you don't. You're coming with us.

What? Downstairs is filthy. What harm can it do?

Aye-aye, what's going on here?

Eurgh! Don't tell me they're in there to start kissing. Eurgh!

KLAXON WAILS

Eh?

How did they do that?

Frank, the doors are jamming again.

Never mind that. What have I told you about bringing

-unauthorised objects into HQ?

-You are kidding me!

Yeah, I normally switch off when you do the whole rules thing.

-She let it in, not me.

-Yeah, but seriously, Frank,

when was the last time you vacuumed in here?

OK, all right. Welcome to the team, Agent Zucker.

Agent Zucker?

-So, how are you doing?

-The code is massively encrypted,

but I've managed to crack some of it.

'For sale is a gold statue worth over £1 million.'

-It's definitely the thief.

-We've got to work out who it is and stop them,

before someone like SKUL hears this.

-HE CHUCKLES

-They'll never crack it.

And what are they, like three years old or something?

HE LAUGHS

-Play it again. VIDEO:

-'For sale is a gold statue

'worth over £1 million.'

-That voice, I'm sure I know it.

-Yeah, right.

Oh, come on, you stupid things!

I was talking about the doors.

HE GROANS

The lift doors must be jamming the signal.

But MI9 - if I could steal from them, I could make a fortune!

HE CHUCKLES

Right-oh, sunshine. To the school and pick up that signal.

Oh, I forgot. You can't drive, can you?

There we go. That's lovely, yeah.

I'm the headmaster, we can do what we like.

Sweet.

SLOW CLAP

You wanted to push me over the edge, Headmaster. Well, congratulations.

Because I am so angry, there are butts in Kuala Lumpur

that think they're about to get kicked,

so take off those stinking clothes

and lose that ridiculous accent, or I am going to report you for...

For Pete's sake, will you stop nag-nag-nagging, woman?

You're doing my head in. I mean, have you ever thought, right,

that the reason people want to wind you up is because you're a...

sour-faced, miserable, moaning old trout.

Which is a pity, right,

because I bet you scrub up right well with a smile on your mush.

Now, if you don't mind, I've got a school to run.

-Miss, are you all right?

-I didn't know Mr Flatley could be like that.

No, neither did I. I never knew he could be so...

so assertive.

-The...

-Let's not even think about it.

SHE RETCHES

Right. Now we're here, we should be able to pick up the signal.

There we are, my little freaky spy brats.

First he lies about never having known his dad,

then he tells me he didn't take the ring from Mrs King's office.

-Maybe he didn't.

-OK, if Oscar didn't, who did?

I've checked the entire criminal database.

Whoever stole the PM's statue, he's not someone we know about.

We've got two hours before the PM needs to give that statue

to the Governor of Mumbai.

I say we take a ten minute break, clear our heads.

Besides, I've got a toilet to unblock.

I get all the bum jobs.

Top secret? Classified?

HE LAUGHS

Oh, I could get a fortune for this!

'Download complete. Download complete.'

Right. We need to grab all the other Zuckers

before anyone here realises what we're up to,

and then, we're in the money, you and me, sonny!

VACUUM WHIRRS

You know, I always thought you were a, well, a spineless cretin.

I never knew that underneath was a strong, manly, impressive Kenneth.

HE GULPS

-Easy there, Mrs King.

-Please, call me Hermione.

Coo-ee! Anybody in?

-Er, do you mind?

-No, no, please.

-Sorry to interrupt.

I'm Terry Zucker, obviously. You've probably seen me on the telly.

-Of course! I love your vacuums.

-You wait till my new Zucker comes out.

The most powerful vacuum cleaner on the planet, guaranteed.

It'll suck the spots off a leopard.

HE PURRS

-Did you hear that?

-Only, the ones that were sent here

have a minor problem, would you believe.

-The thief's voice. I knew it sounded familiar.

-You what?

First I'm a liar and now Terry Zucker has stolen

from 10 Downing Street.

Hang on, you want to take away ALL our Zuckers?

No extra charge, madam, and they'll all be returned when fixed.

Even the Prime Minister's got one of these, you know.

Take this back to HQ. I'll keep an eye on Zucker.

'For sale is a gold statue worth over £1 million.

'Even the Prime Minister's got one of these, you know.'

It's the same person. It's Terry Zucker!

I never thought I'd say this, but how can a vacuum cleaner salesman

be stealing valuable treasure from Downing Street?

I might have one idea.

Look. Everyone who's got a Zucker has also reported a crime

since buying it.

-"Household thefts hit one million."

-Guess who also bought a Zucker.

The Prime Minister, and who knows what our one could have done.

Rose, please tell me it hasn't.

It has. The entire system has been downloaded.

I'll contact MI9.

Oscar, get Carrie. Tell her to stop Zucker, he could be dangerous.

I'll sort out our Zucker.

-BUZZING

-Oh, yes.

I recognise you from your little underground hidey hole.

HE CHUCKLES

Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you.

Unfortunately, Zuckers are programmed to clean up mess.

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

Carrie, you in there?

Maybe she should get herself out of her own trouble? What?

Carrie told me about your dad.

Why did you tell us you've never met him?

-Oscar?

-Because if I told you, I'd have to talk about it,

and every time I talk about him, I remember he's gone, what I missed.

Now, are we getting in this thing or what?

What is that? A washing machine?

-It looks like it used to be, but...

-SHATTERING

What's that?

HE CACKLES

I'll get Zucker.

Oh, no, not the scary mop(!)

Hey, hey. Now, that's just playing dirty.

It won't turn off!

Yeah, I overrode it. I'm not stupid.

HE SPLUTTERS

Spypod upgrade.

-It's getting tighter.

-It takes longer on large objects. Come on!

I-I think it's great that you've unleashed the inner you,

but if you could keep it away from me, even better.

Oh, Headmaster, let's go away, just the two of us.

-Spain, Morocco...

-Fantastic. You go to Spain, I'll go to Morocco.

-One move and...

-And what? You'll take me to the cleaners?

Yeah, not bad.

About time.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

SCRAPING

-Er, why is that chair moving?

-Never mind that, why am I moving?

-Whoa!

-Ah!

ZUCKER SCREAMS

-Oscar, what is it?

-Whatever it is, it's sucking us towards it.

-What is that thing?

-It's my new Mega-Zucker -

so good it can suck in dirt

and wallets and jewellery from an entire room.

I didn't know it was going to be this powerful.

That thing won't just suck in dirt, it will suck everything in.

It's like... It's like you've created a black hole.

Sir, sir, my chair's moving!

SCREAMING

Mine too!

It's so huge it sucks in everything, even light. That's a black hole.

And the more it sucks in, the stronger it gets.

Until it destroys the entire universe,

but that thing's a machine. We can use the disabler.

It's only got a range of three metres.

How do we get that close without getting sucked in?

I won't be.

ZUCKER SCREAMS

So, when I get close, I press this button.

-And keep pressing it.

-Ready?

I only wanted to invent a really good vacuum cleaner.

I didn't mean to destroy the universe.

We all make mistakes.

Oh, Mr Flatley!

I think it should take about ten seconds to disable the electrics.

It's getting stronger!

I can't hold it any more!

-Yeah!

-Come on!

Phew!

You did it! You... Well, you saved the universe.

-Thanks, buddy.

-There you are.

I got stuck in HQ by those stupid doors.

What was that incredible noise?

Yeah, while you're at it, you can tell us and all.

Didn't you see it? It was this huge tornado. It was so cool.

-Tornado? Are you telling lies again, Oscar?

-Oscar doesn't tell lies,

do you, Oscar?

Actually, a black hole opened up in the playground,

but it's all right now.

I'll see you in my office. Strange children!

Out the way.

"The Governor of Mumbai said he was delighted

"by the Prime Minister's gift of a gold statue,

"although he did say he'd have preferred socks."

I made that last little bit up.

And all the Zucker cleaners have been destroyed?

Yes, apart from that one, which has been deactivated

and sentenced to clean HQ for the next 30 years.

Oh, come on, you've missed a bit. Don't dawdle.

Oscar, I forgot to give this to you.

-EDH - your dad's initials.

-Edward Dixon Halliday.

One of MI9's best ever spies, apparently.

And he died for his country,

that's something you can always be proud of.

Mum told me he was missing in action, presumed dead,

but she's lied about everything else.

-What if she was lying about that as well?

-You mean,

what if your dad's still alive?

# Honolulu baby, Honolulu girl... #

I've been looking for you everywhere.

For you, my darling.

It's like some invisible force pulling me towards you.

You complete me, Kenneth.

You complete me.

HE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

Kenny, do us a favour.

Next time you go on holiday,

ask another brother to stand in for you.

This place is crazy.

So, no change here then.