Black Hole M.I. High


Black Hole

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Transcript


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Traditional vacuum cleaners are tosh!

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Can't go round corners or do your homework.

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Clog up when you hoover your underpants. The solution is simple -

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bin 'em! They're total bobbins!

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Get your hands on a Zucker.

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So clever, it moves around all by itself!

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So powerful, it'll have the wig off a baldy at 10 paces.

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The Zucker - one million sold in Britain!

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The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

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Old-school spies have had their day

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and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

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Hidden in a place no villain will think to look...

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..welcome to MI High.

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SHOUTING

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Look out! She's coming!

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Lockers - disgusting!

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Walls - filthy! You, boy,

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disgusting AND filthy.

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Now listen up, you lot,

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I am not having you treat this place like a rubbish dump.

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Oh, and that's part of uniform, is it now, Oscar?

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School tie, shirt, girlie ring?

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Yeah, bro. Dress proper like the rest of us, innit?

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You're next, Tinklebottom. Come on.

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-Give it here.

-I was only trying to...

-Now, Oscar!

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I am confiscating this until the end of the week.

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Ah, Mrs King, guess what.

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You've won a who's got the stupidest grin competition.

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No, no, a crossword competition and the prize is...

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a three-day trip to Honolulu starting tomorrow. Isn't it exciting?

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Mr Flatley, this school isn't fit enough for human habitation,

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and you want to take a holiday?

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Now, I was thinking about these for the beach.

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Or...you could get mopping.

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Good.

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SHE GROANS

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BUZZING

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Hello, Dave. It's me, Kenneth...

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Your brother, Kenneth.

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RADIO PLAYS JAZZ MUSIC

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Will you get over it? It's just a ring.

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It is not just a ring.

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Frank, the doors are jammed again.

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I know. I've been too busy working on a new spypod upgrade.

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It remotely disables any electrical device

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within a range of three metres.

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-I was listening to that.

-Yeah, jazz - it deserved to be zapped.

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Only the bigger the device, the longer it takes to work.

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The Prime Minister? Frank, what's going on?

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Ah, yes, our friend the PM. He's been burgled.

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The thief stole a gold statue due to be given

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to the Governor of Mumbai at a farewell banquet tonight.

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Can't he just get him socks instead?

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-The PM has already told everyone he's got him a statue.

-Oh, great.

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So when word gets out someone broke into Number 10,

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national security will be a laughing stock.

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I say we check the Net for anyone trying to sell the statue.

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If we can get to the keyboard.

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-Frank, this place is disgusting. OSCAR AND ROSE:

-And filthy!

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-I do not sound like Mrs King.

-Er, hello? We've got a thief to catch.

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I know what you're going to say - how brilliant your new Zucker is.

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Unfortunately, your unit has reported a fault, a very minor fault,

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a tiny one, but we do repair all damages free of charge.

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All part of the service. A service so good,

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even the Prime Minister's got one of these, you know.

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Oi! Get your hands off! That's my new Mega-Zucker.

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Don't need your grubby mitts all over it.

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Kids, eh? Personally, I blame the parents.

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Erm...but blame the parents for making them so cute and adorable.

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So we haven't found anyone selling the PM's stolen statue.

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I've checked all known enemy communication channels.

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Really? I just checked my spam box.

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It's how most people try and sell you stuff.

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'Downing Street...'

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Sounded like Downing Street.

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'..gold statue...'

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-And gold statue.

-This has to be them sending a coded message,

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which to most people looks like junk mail.

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A master criminal will spot it instantly.

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They could then crack the code and read the message.

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Yeah, brilliant, but sender unknown. How do we find out who sent it?

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The only way possible - crack that code before anyone else does.

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Ah, Dave, you came. You've no idea how grateful I am.

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Hey, what are brothers for? Besides...

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you said there was a pony in it for me.

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No, I didn't say anything about a horse.

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No, no, a pony, you numpty. Means 25 quid.

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Anyway, the problem is...

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(..the deputy headmistress, Mrs King.)

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She won't let me go on holiday.

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Oh, how many more times?

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Your the boss, Kenny. When are you going to tell HER what to do?

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But I do...

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Actually, no, I don't, which is why I need you to pretend to be me.

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All you have to do is turn up and teach those classes.

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French? You're having a laugh, ain't you?

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Maybe this isn't going to work after all.

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Kenny, Kenny, relax. We're identical, who's going to tell the difference?

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-Now, go or you'll miss your plane.

-Right.

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-Ah, ah, ah.

-Oh, yes, of course.

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I nearly forgot - the donkey. £25.

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# Honolulu baby, Honolulu girl... #

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Rubbish. Right.

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One day, Avril, you'll understand the excitement

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-of a brand new vacuum cleaner.

-Why? Will I have had my brain removed?

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What do you think, Mr Flatley?

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A dozen of these scurrying around and we'll have the place clean in...

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Oh, I see. Honestly, how stupid do you think I am?

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What, out of ten?

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I wouldn't let him go on holiday, so now he's trying to get back at me

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-by dressing like an idiot.

-Hang about, this is my best shirt.

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And talking like a mockney. Well, nice try, Headmaster.

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Headmaster? Oh, right, yeah, of course.

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I haven't got time for your stupid games.

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Now, where's the on button?

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VACUUM WHIRRS

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It just goes around hoovering by itself?

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Clean and intelligent, unlike some people.

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I'll, erm, leave you to unpack the rest of these, Headmaster.

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Well, you heard the woman. Get unpacking.

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Chop-chop. Heh-heh!

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What are you doing?

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If Mrs King catches you in here, she'll go berserk.

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She shouldn't have confiscated it. Anyway, I was only trying it on.

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-Put it back quick before we get caught.

-I can't.

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I can't risk it getting lost.

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It was the last thing my dad gave to me.

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He was a spy like us. For a while, he was based in Africa,

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-that's where he got me this.

-Is this the dad you said you never met?

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I was about four years old.

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Africa was where he...went missing in action.

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Seriously, Oscar. Rose and I tell you everything.

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How are we meant to trust you when all you do is keep secrets?

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All right, fine. I'll put it back. Happy now?

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VACUUM WHIRRS

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'New theft completed.'

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Now, let's have a look. See what they've got.

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HE CHUCKLES

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A stupid signet ring, is that all?!

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Zucker 2359, go back with your business

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and find me something that doesn't suck!

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HE LAUGHS

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Doesn't suck. Do you get it? Because it's a vacuum cleaner. Suck.

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HE LAUGHS

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Right barrel of laughs you are, honestly(!)

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But soon, we'll have Zuckers nicking from every home and office

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in the country.

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HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

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LAUGHTER

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No, no, no. One Pepperoni Passion, two Hawaiians

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and one extra large Meaty Monster. Talking of which...

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-What on earth is going on in here?

-Oh, well, it's, erm...

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it's advanced mathematics, ain't it? You know, chaos theory.

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I thought we was just mucking about?

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Headmaster, I know you're trying to wind me up

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by acting like a complete Neanderthal,

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but thankfully, I'm too busy to give a monkey's.

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Oscar Cole, stand up.

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-That signet ring I confiscated, where is it?

-What?

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-What are you talking about?

-You were spotted coming out of my office

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20 minutes ago, Oscar. Now did you take the ring?

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-(You said you put it back.

-(I did, you saw me.)

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-I didn't take it, I swear.

-In that case, my office after school.

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And you, Headmaster - this stops right here, right now.

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MOUTHS

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BUZZING

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If you did take it, you can tell me. I'd understand.

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And just explain to Mrs King how much it means to you.

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For the last time, I put it back in the box.

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-Are you coming or not?

-Oh, no, you don't. You're coming with us.

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What? Downstairs is filthy. What harm can it do?

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Aye-aye, what's going on here?

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Eurgh! Don't tell me they're in there to start kissing. Eurgh!

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KLAXON WAILS

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Eh?

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How did they do that?

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Frank, the doors are jamming again.

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Never mind that. What have I told you about bringing

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-unauthorised objects into HQ?

-You are kidding me!

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Yeah, I normally switch off when you do the whole rules thing.

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-She let it in, not me.

-Yeah, but seriously, Frank,

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when was the last time you vacuumed in here?

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OK, all right. Welcome to the team, Agent Zucker.

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Agent Zucker?

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-So, how are you doing?

-The code is massively encrypted,

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but I've managed to crack some of it.

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'For sale is a gold statue worth over £1 million.'

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-It's definitely the thief.

-We've got to work out who it is and stop them,

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before someone like SKUL hears this.

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-HE CHUCKLES

-They'll never crack it.

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And what are they, like three years old or something?

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HE LAUGHS

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-Play it again. VIDEO:

-'For sale is a gold statue

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'worth over £1 million.'

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-That voice, I'm sure I know it.

-Yeah, right.

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Oh, come on, you stupid things!

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I was talking about the doors.

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HE GROANS

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The lift doors must be jamming the signal.

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But MI9 - if I could steal from them, I could make a fortune!

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HE CHUCKLES

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Right-oh, sunshine. To the school and pick up that signal.

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Oh, I forgot. You can't drive, can you?

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There we go. That's lovely, yeah.

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I'm the headmaster, we can do what we like.

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Sweet.

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SLOW CLAP

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You wanted to push me over the edge, Headmaster. Well, congratulations.

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Because I am so angry, there are butts in Kuala Lumpur

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that think they're about to get kicked,

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so take off those stinking clothes

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and lose that ridiculous accent, or I am going to report you for...

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For Pete's sake, will you stop nag-nag-nagging, woman?

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You're doing my head in. I mean, have you ever thought, right,

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that the reason people want to wind you up is because you're a...

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sour-faced, miserable, moaning old trout.

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Which is a pity, right,

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because I bet you scrub up right well with a smile on your mush.

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Now, if you don't mind, I've got a school to run.

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-Miss, are you all right?

-I didn't know Mr Flatley could be like that.

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No, neither did I. I never knew he could be so...

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so assertive.

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-The...

-Let's not even think about it.

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SHE RETCHES

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Right. Now we're here, we should be able to pick up the signal.

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There we are, my little freaky spy brats.

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First he lies about never having known his dad,

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then he tells me he didn't take the ring from Mrs King's office.

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-Maybe he didn't.

-OK, if Oscar didn't, who did?

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I've checked the entire criminal database.

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Whoever stole the PM's statue, he's not someone we know about.

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We've got two hours before the PM needs to give that statue

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to the Governor of Mumbai.

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I say we take a ten minute break, clear our heads.

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Besides, I've got a toilet to unblock.

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I get all the bum jobs.

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Top secret? Classified?

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HE LAUGHS

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Oh, I could get a fortune for this!

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'Download complete. Download complete.'

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Right. We need to grab all the other Zuckers

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before anyone here realises what we're up to,

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and then, we're in the money, you and me, sonny!

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VACUUM WHIRRS

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You know, I always thought you were a, well, a spineless cretin.

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I never knew that underneath was a strong, manly, impressive Kenneth.

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HE GULPS

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-Easy there, Mrs King.

-Please, call me Hermione.

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Coo-ee! Anybody in?

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-Er, do you mind?

-No, no, please.

-Sorry to interrupt.

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I'm Terry Zucker, obviously. You've probably seen me on the telly.

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-Of course! I love your vacuums.

-You wait till my new Zucker comes out.

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The most powerful vacuum cleaner on the planet, guaranteed.

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It'll suck the spots off a leopard.

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HE PURRS

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-Did you hear that?

-Only, the ones that were sent here

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have a minor problem, would you believe.

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-The thief's voice. I knew it sounded familiar.

-You what?

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First I'm a liar and now Terry Zucker has stolen

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from 10 Downing Street.

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Hang on, you want to take away ALL our Zuckers?

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No extra charge, madam, and they'll all be returned when fixed.

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Even the Prime Minister's got one of these, you know.

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Take this back to HQ. I'll keep an eye on Zucker.

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'For sale is a gold statue worth over £1 million.

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'Even the Prime Minister's got one of these, you know.'

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It's the same person. It's Terry Zucker!

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I never thought I'd say this, but how can a vacuum cleaner salesman

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be stealing valuable treasure from Downing Street?

0:18:180:18:21

I might have one idea.

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Look. Everyone who's got a Zucker has also reported a crime

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since buying it.

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-"Household thefts hit one million."

-Guess who also bought a Zucker.

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The Prime Minister, and who knows what our one could have done.

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Rose, please tell me it hasn't.

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It has. The entire system has been downloaded.

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I'll contact MI9.

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Oscar, get Carrie. Tell her to stop Zucker, he could be dangerous.

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I'll sort out our Zucker.

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-BUZZING

-Oh, yes.

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I recognise you from your little underground hidey hole.

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HE CHUCKLES

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Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you.

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Unfortunately, Zuckers are programmed to clean up mess.

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HE LAUGHS EVILLY

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Carrie, you in there?

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Maybe she should get herself out of her own trouble? What?

0:20:020:20:06

Carrie told me about your dad.

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Why did you tell us you've never met him?

0:20:080:20:11

-Oscar?

-Because if I told you, I'd have to talk about it,

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and every time I talk about him, I remember he's gone, what I missed.

0:20:150:20:20

Now, are we getting in this thing or what?

0:20:200:20:23

What is that? A washing machine?

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-It looks like it used to be, but...

-SHATTERING

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What's that?

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HE CACKLES

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I'll get Zucker.

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Oh, no, not the scary mop(!)

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Hey, hey. Now, that's just playing dirty.

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It won't turn off!

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Yeah, I overrode it. I'm not stupid.

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HE SPLUTTERS

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Spypod upgrade.

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-It's getting tighter.

-It takes longer on large objects. Come on!

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I-I think it's great that you've unleashed the inner you,

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but if you could keep it away from me, even better.

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Oh, Headmaster, let's go away, just the two of us.

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-Spain, Morocco...

-Fantastic. You go to Spain, I'll go to Morocco.

0:21:220:21:29

-One move and...

-And what? You'll take me to the cleaners?

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Yeah, not bad.

0:21:450:21:47

About time.

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I'm sorry I doubted you.

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SCRAPING

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-Er, why is that chair moving?

-Never mind that, why am I moving?

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-Whoa!

-Ah!

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ZUCKER SCREAMS

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-Oscar, what is it?

-Whatever it is, it's sucking us towards it.

0:22:300:22:34

-What is that thing?

-It's my new Mega-Zucker -

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so good it can suck in dirt

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and wallets and jewellery from an entire room.

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I didn't know it was going to be this powerful.

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That thing won't just suck in dirt, it will suck everything in.

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It's like... It's like you've created a black hole.

0:22:510:22:54

Sir, sir, my chair's moving!

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SCREAMING

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Mine too!

0:23:000:23:01

It's so huge it sucks in everything, even light. That's a black hole.

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And the more it sucks in, the stronger it gets.

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Until it destroys the entire universe,

0:23:180:23:21

but that thing's a machine. We can use the disabler.

0:23:210:23:25

It's only got a range of three metres.

0:23:250:23:27

How do we get that close without getting sucked in?

0:23:270:23:31

I won't be.

0:23:320:23:34

ZUCKER SCREAMS

0:23:430:23:45

So, when I get close, I press this button.

0:23:510:23:53

-And keep pressing it.

-Ready?

0:23:530:23:57

I only wanted to invent a really good vacuum cleaner.

0:23:570:24:00

I didn't mean to destroy the universe.

0:24:000:24:03

We all make mistakes.

0:24:030:24:05

Oh, Mr Flatley!

0:24:140:24:18

I think it should take about ten seconds to disable the electrics.

0:24:280:24:33

It's getting stronger!

0:24:350:24:37

I can't hold it any more!

0:24:520:24:54

-Yeah!

-Come on!

0:25:110:25:13

Phew!

0:25:240:25:27

You did it! You... Well, you saved the universe.

0:25:310:25:35

-Thanks, buddy.

-There you are.

0:25:350:25:38

I got stuck in HQ by those stupid doors.

0:25:380:25:41

What was that incredible noise?

0:25:420:25:44

Yeah, while you're at it, you can tell us and all.

0:25:440:25:47

Didn't you see it? It was this huge tornado. It was so cool.

0:25:470:25:51

-Tornado? Are you telling lies again, Oscar?

-Oscar doesn't tell lies,

0:25:510:25:55

do you, Oscar?

0:25:550:25:57

Actually, a black hole opened up in the playground,

0:25:570:26:00

but it's all right now.

0:26:000:26:02

I'll see you in my office. Strange children!

0:26:020:26:05

Out the way.

0:26:050:26:07

"The Governor of Mumbai said he was delighted

0:26:120:26:15

"by the Prime Minister's gift of a gold statue,

0:26:150:26:17

"although he did say he'd have preferred socks."

0:26:170:26:20

I made that last little bit up.

0:26:200:26:22

And all the Zucker cleaners have been destroyed?

0:26:220:26:25

Yes, apart from that one, which has been deactivated

0:26:250:26:28

and sentenced to clean HQ for the next 30 years.

0:26:280:26:32

Oh, come on, you've missed a bit. Don't dawdle.

0:26:320:26:35

Oscar, I forgot to give this to you.

0:26:350:26:39

-EDH - your dad's initials.

-Edward Dixon Halliday.

0:26:390:26:44

One of MI9's best ever spies, apparently.

0:26:440:26:46

And he died for his country,

0:26:460:26:48

that's something you can always be proud of.

0:26:480:26:50

Mum told me he was missing in action, presumed dead,

0:26:500:26:53

but she's lied about everything else.

0:26:530:26:55

-What if she was lying about that as well?

-You mean,

0:26:550:26:58

what if your dad's still alive?

0:26:580:27:00

# Honolulu baby, Honolulu girl... #

0:27:020:27:06

I've been looking for you everywhere.

0:27:120:27:15

For you, my darling.

0:27:150:27:19

It's like some invisible force pulling me towards you.

0:27:190:27:24

You complete me, Kenneth.

0:27:240:27:27

You complete me.

0:27:270:27:30

HE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

0:27:320:27:34

Kenny, do us a favour.

0:27:410:27:43

Next time you go on holiday,

0:27:430:27:45

ask another brother to stand in for you.

0:27:450:27:47

This place is crazy.

0:27:470:27:49

So, no change here then.

0:27:550:27:59

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