High School Spy Movie M.I. High

I don't like to hurry you, maestro,

but we're due to meet Sydney in a few hours.

Do we have our new movie script?

Something will come.

It always does.

Hmm. That's what makes you a cinematic genius.

Hot, yeah? I'm telling you, it's the hottest script in town.

It's what everyone's after.

Original, daring, heartbreaking. We've hit the jackpot on this one.

-HE MOUTHS

-What's that?

Gwyneth? I've got a bad signal here. I've got to go outside.

This is the script we need!

It's set in a school called St Hope's.

Arrange for us to shoot there!

Call Sydney Barber and tell her the script is on its way!

The bait has been taken.

Von Tripod is on his way to St Hope's to make a movie.

The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

Old school spies have had their day,

and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

Hidden in a place no villain would think to look.

Welcome to MI High.

CARRIE JOINS IN: Well, if you will leave 10 million hanging around...

Someone's a big Sydney Barbour fan.

Er...it's just research.

-SHE CLEARS THROAT

-The complete Sydney Barbour box set?

OK, so she's one of my favourite actresses.

-It's no big deal.

-It may help with the mission.

The director we're investigating, Lars Von Tripod,

-this is his film.

-And she's been in, like, all of his films.

Isn't it time you told us why we're investigating him?

Every five years, prestigious national treasure is stolen.

The theft is always close to Von Tripod's movies.

Paintings, sculptures, ancient artefacts worth millions. All gone.

-The last robbery was five years ago.

-Yes, so we're due another.

-Tomorrow.

-But there's nothing in St Hope's worth stealing.

-Ah!

Rose has been working on that.

I've found the perfect art treasure to tempt him.

The sceptre and sandals of King Canute,

-worth millions.

-So how are we going to get them in St Hope's?

I may have some gadgets to help you there.

Inhale then speak.

FRANK'S VOICE: I'm not sure I like being a guinea pig.

Whoa, Frank, that's great!

A voice transforming inhaler. It uses sound wave software

and a helium-based gas combination.

A portable X-ray machine for revealing fakes.

-I call it the Sham Machine.

-Can I borrow that?

-I want to see what happens when I point it at Davina.

-No time.

We need to get Canute's sceptre to St Hope's before Von Tripod arrives.

-MRS KING'S VOICE:

-I don't care!

The minister promised the sceptre would visit St Hope's.

He wants struggling schools to have priority.

And believe me, St Hope's is as struggling as it gets.

OK, how about this?

Either the exhibits are at St Hope's by the end of the day,

or I'll get the minister to review your budget.

Hmm. That's what I thought.

Mrs King!

What are you children doing here?

-MRS KING'S VOICE:

-I was just...

Rose is coming down with something. SHE COUGHS

'Sydney, good news! We have our new film location.'

Oh, good! Is it that royal palace I suggested?

'Er, not quite.'

It's the strangest thing. A man from the government has delivered

two of the nation's greatest treasures for us to display!

It's a mystery why we do so well for these things.

We don't even apply for them.

I think word has got around about our high standard of teaching.

-We are go.

-PHONE RINGS

-SHE LAUGHS

-Oh, really!

St Hope's, Mrs King, deputy head teacher.

What?

No, you can't film here, it's a school.

I don't care if Lars Von Tripod is directing it.

Er, this is a place for learning.

Not some Hollywood movie back lot!

Mr Flatley, head master. We'd love to have you and your film crew.

What a marvellous opportunity for our children to experience

the magic of Hollywood.

Apart from statistics, what evidence is there that Von Tripod's the thief?

The only clue is a fragment of handwriting found at a crime scene.

Von Tripod's famous for never writing.

-So we've nothing to compare it to.

-So we need a writing sample.

Easy enough once we've got parts in his spy film.

-We have to do acting?

-I wrote that script specially. We play ourselves.

Even you can manage that.

-Thanks(!)

-We also need to keep watch on the King Canute exhibit.

-It's just arrived.

-I'll make sure they put it somewhere easy to steal.

Ah! St Hope's making history again.

And for once, it's for the right reasons.

Yes. What child won't be spellbound?

Those trainers are rank.

No support. Think of the Achilles problems!

That wand thing's rubbish as well.

It's called a sceptre.

I've seen better bling down the market.

Yes, and I bet your market bling isn't worth £3 million.

It's just as well we have such tight security.

HE YAWNS

-There's no way our thief will resist this.

-Want to take first watch?

Er, no. I have to be there when Von Tripod arrives.

Von Tripod or Sydney Barbour?

Both.

Make sure you stay focussed.

Von Tripod must be a clever thief to remain undetected all this time.

-This entrance will have to go.

-Yes, Mr Von Tripod.

-Kenneth Flatley, head master.

-Mr Von Tripod doesn't shake hands.

Civilians will refrain from touching him, speaking to him,

-and looking him in the eye.

-Right.

-He will need a gofer.

Er, I'll have to check with the biology department.

-He might have to make do with a gerbil.

-No.

A gofer. Someone to run errands. Go for this, go for that.

Oh, right! Then...then our Mr London is your man.

He'll be at your beck and call.

Mr Von Tripod will need 12 bottles of Peruvian spring water,

cooled to five degrees.

What do you think, Sydney, my muse?

Bleak, hopeless, depressing.

I know.

Isn't it perfect?

-What is that?

-King Canute's sceptre and sandals.

National treasures, on display here at St Hope's!

It's quite an honour for us...

I'm not interested in antiques.

Shame. They're very fine.

And probably worth millions.

In that case, I want them in the movie.

Our heroine can steal them instead of the fake gold bullion.

-Looks like he took the bait.

-Yeah, but who's that weird guy with him?

-He seemed even more interested.

-His name's Cecil D Miller.

He works on all Von Tripod's movies. We need to keep track of him too.

Ahh! Sydney!

I will be using real people as actors alongside our stars.

The karate expert girl will be played by Sydney, of course.

But we'll audition your students to find the brainy girl spy

and the handsome heroic boy.

We should never have let you write the script.

Is anyone interested in auditioning?

STUDENTS CLAMOUR

Fine. Mind the hair!

Perfect. Rose and I will win the auditions to play ourselves,

and we'll have Von Tripod in our sights the whole time.

This is Agent Posy. I'm in position.

No, no, no. Useless, get out.

This film has nothing to say about real issues anyway!

-The name's Cole. Oscar Cole...

-Next!

-Hang on. I haven't even started.

-I said next!

-Get out!

-Idiot!

Doesn't look clever enough. Next.

-Tell me this isn't happening.

-We should get Carrie to audition.

She's watching the sceptre, she won't get here in time.

-Hope they're five degrees.

-Like he's going to test them!

THERMOMETER BEEPS

THERMOMETER BUZZES

Seven degrees.

Oh...thanks. Stiff back.

Overdoing it in the gym, I think.

-I'm...

-Sydney Barbour! I know, I'm a big fan.

You're brilliant, I've seen all your films! ..Sorry.

-How sad am I?

-Oh, no, I should be embarrassed.

Dropping everything. Normally I have a PA, but she quit.

-Von Tripod threw a chair at her.

-I don't suppose...

No, forget it.

You wouldn't help out, would you? Just for this shoot.

-Miss Barbour, that would be an honour.

-Great!

Your first task is to stop calling me Miss Barbour.

It's Sydney. Find me in a bit, and I'll give you something to do.

We didn't get cast. It's a disaster, we've got no-one on the inside.

Er, yeah, we do.

-Meet Sydney Barbour's new PA.

-Is that for the mission,

-or because you're an embarrassing stalker-type fan?

-Er, both.

Who's playing you two in the film?

No! Tosca's the star. Posy's just some weird geek girl.

Great!

Pathetic!

It's clearly made of rubber.

No-one will believe this is real.

Er, actually, that was the real one.

We need a new stunt man.

Er, Mr Von Tripod's mineral water.

Five degrees exactly.

I'll take that. Now, get some umbrellas.

Each one needs to be a different colour. Mondays are blue.

See if you can get a handwriting sample from Von Tripod.

We'll test it against the fragments.

Sydney, you look fantastic!

How do you do it?

Healthy diet and strict exercise.

-My body is a temple.

-A temple...I worship.

-Has Matt Damon arrived?

-A slight change of plan...

Mr Von Tripod fired him for sitting on his chair.

We have a new Walter the Spymaster.

Yes, and that replacement is so much better.

Chiselled good looks, and the camera loves him.

Not sure the audience will!

Sydney? I don't suppose you could get me Lars Von Tripod's autograph?

-He's such an icon.

-Oh, I don't know.

He does get rather difficult during filming.

Oh...I'll see what I can do.

Lars, darling!

Sign this immediately.

Sydney, I'm afraid I can't.

For me, Lars? It would mean a lot.

Of course. For you, anything.

Cecil always signs my autographs.

The maestro hurt his wrists directing an action movie years ago.

Is that man wearing green?!

It's bad luck! Get him off the set!

Um...why did Cecil sign it?

He always does.

Oh, don't look so disappointed. You can have mine too.

Might be worth something one day.

-This is my last film.

-But you're too young to retire.

Oh, you're sweet. But that's the reality of being an actress.

Once you start showing your age, you're on the scrapheap.

Couldn't you... You know, I mean lots of people...

-Couldn't you have work done?

-You're right, but it's not for me.

You become a professional fake.

No, I'll stay natural and unemployed.

Until then, there's always make-up, which is where I should be now.

We're meant to be working?

Tripod's autograph here for analysis.

-Well done.

-Except he didn't sign it.

Cecil D Miller signs all his autographs.

-Now we have two suspects?

-Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

-I need to check the writing in HQ.

-Thanks for watching the sceptre.

-Keep an eye on Von Tripod and Cecil.

-Rose?

Don't lose that note book. I want to keep Sydney's autograph.

Stalker.

Come on, team.

You're kids, you can run faster than me.

After him.

Come on, guys, let's get him.

Cut!

Why is her wearing that hat?

Scoop always wears his hat.

Can we have a break? We have been working for an hour!

Get used to it. The average shooting day is 13 hours long.

Yeah, that's not going to work for me.

I need at least 12 hours beauty sleep every night.

New chair for the maestro.

Why does he need a new chair?

Arrrrgh!

HE SCREAMS

Now, take five, everyone. I'll look after this.

Oscar-winning performance, but faster running next time.

Are you OK?

-I'm fine.

-I love it when you do action scenes.

I know you did all your own stunts in Mission Just Possible.

That was nothing compared to Where Beagles Dare.

I was hanging off a ski lift.

Um, Where Beagles Dare? But you weren't in that, were you?

Would you be a sweetheart and get me a juice?

Sure.

Sydney's struggling with her action sequences.

-Yet she looks in such great shape.

-Forget Sydney.

What's the sceptre doing here? I thought Frank was watching it.

He's probably busy with Tripod's demands.

Doesn't matter, we can see from here.

Carrie, will you help me go over my lines in my room for a bit?

Of course I will.

It's no good, I need my glasses.

Don't tell anyone I wear them.

My lips are sealed.

-That's a lovely necklace.

-What?

Oh, yes, it's nice, isn't it?

-That's weird. It seems all Von Tripod's lead actresses wear it.

-Yes.

Bit of a tradition.

Actually, I'm going back into make-up. I'm due on again soon.

I'll just wait here...

Tosca, I need to get back to HQ to run a sp...spectre sonic analysis...

And an NDA diagram.

I...um...and a DNA sample.

These lines are rubbish! No-one talks like this in real life.

No! You've got a green one! The maestro doesn't like green.

Unlucky! Get it off the set!

Don't worry, Frank, not everyone is cut out

for this high-pressure film world like Lars and I.

Mr Flatley, these reports need signing... Today!

But I'm about to do my close up.

What is this?

I asked for a spy base! This looks nothing like one!

New chair for the director!

What beautiful eyes, skin, teeth.

Yes, you have... You could play... Cleopatra.

I've got a proper job, thank you.

Not flouncing around with actors all day.

SHE SIGHS

HE CHUCKLES

Actors, to positions!

That's me, Oscar, this scene is very exciting.

I get to use my deodorant spray-gadget thingy.

Apparently, they built a real one.

Props!

-Careful.

-That was my fault...

-It's a fake.

-Give me that.

Of course it's a fake, Oscar. They wouldn't use the real one in a film.

The real one is still in the foyer.

Carrie, the real sceptre is in the case!

I'm on my way.

I'll be back in one moment.

Nothing, after all that!

Looks like Cecil and Von Tripod are in the clear.

No, we needn't test that.

Huh? Sydney?

You were watching the wrong sceptre!

Von Tripod and Cecil were both in plain sight.

-They couldn't have stolen it.

-Alert the police, seal the area.

Give us a chance to find it first.

If this gets out, we're finished in MI9.

We haven't got a clue who stole it.

I don't care if it ain't what a spy wears, it's what I wear.

I never take it off.

-The necklace.

-What?

-I have a feeling Sydney's the thief.

She's not old enough.

She wasn't born when the first crime was committed.

It's like Scoop's hat.

Sydney changes her identity,

but can't throw away her favourite necklace.

Sydney, Judy Trench, Penny Harlow, all from Tripod's other muses.

I think somehow they're the same person.

If she is older than she looks,

it would explain why she can't run fast and her bad eyesight.

She said she was in Where Beagles Dare, it was made in the '70s.

It's flimsy evidence, at best.

You are not going to believe this.

Sydney Barbour's handwriting does not just match the fragments,

it matches the handwriting of all the lead actresses

-in Tripod's films.

-That's not flimsy.

Agreed. We can figure out later how a 23 year old

is responsible for a 30-year crime wave.

Where is she now?

-In her dressing room.

-Go. I'll check on Big Phil.

Sydney! We need to talk.

This is the scene where the spies

run through shot chasing the criminal.

Cut! Cut! Cut!

How can I create a masterpiece amid this...

madness!

Excellent, children, so you got parts as extras?

HE CHUCKLES

No, I am the spymaster.

SHE PANTS

Carrie, what is this? We should get back to the film.

We know you're the thief.

Don't be ridiculous, I'm a film star, I have everything I need.

We found handwriting samples linking you to the crime scene.

Who are you?

I really thought you were someone special.

Me, and millions of other fans.

I am. I was. I was lots of special people.

Judy Trench, Glenda Fairbrother, Penny Harlow,

Jane Hardyman, all stars, all me!

Now, out of my way.

This one's down to Carrie.

Can someone explain what's going on?

Simple. Every five years she retires.

Then she has plastic surgery, before returning as a different actress.

-Why the crimes?

-Full body plastic surgery doesn't come cheap.

There are other parts you could have played for older ladies.

What? Miss Marple? I don't think so!

-How long has she been doing this?

-Since 1970.

Oh, From Swindon With Love, my first Oscar nomination.

That makes you 70.

Ah, oh!

Agh!

-Too slow to stand a chance against Carrie.

-It's incredible.

You want proof? Your sound machine gadget reveals the truth about fakes.

BEEPING

That's what I call a harsh light.

One day this will happen to you.

-Wrinkles, lines, saggy bits.

-I intend to grow old gracefully.

Nice work, team.

I'll deal with Sydney, if you can return King Canute's knick-knacks?

Come on, you.

Sydney, where's my Sydney?!

I'm afraid Sydney has brought forward her retirement.

-She just quit.

-What? But she...

But she was irreplaceable.

You have worked with her for five years.

You're right.

Time for a new muse. You!

You're interesting, how would you like to be a star?

No, I've seen what the film business does to people.

Your loss.

You, you shall be my muse.

We shall make movies from dawn till dusk.

We shall work every minute of the day, sweating over our art.

It'll be the hardest work you ever do, but...

Sorry, hard work, not my thing.

I plan to become a WAG instead.

What's the matter with these kids?

I'm offering celluloid immortality!

What kind of school is this?

A school for losers?!

FLATLEY GASPS

How dare you call my students losers.

Is this the face of a loser?

We may not have fancy things like decent exam passes,

but we have spirit, we have heart, and above all

we have a school full of winners.

Cecil, dismantle the set.

Mr Flatley, would you mind lending me a hand?

With pleasure.

What? I...

You'll never work in movies again!

Cheerio!

Next time you make a film,

try to come up with something

more believable that child spies.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd