Skuldiggery M.I. High

POUNDING

You have destroyed our armies!

You have levelled our fortresses.

In the name of Rome, and the Ninth Legion,

I claim this land...

We have just one weapon left!

No. NO!

'The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

'Old-school spies have had their day,

'and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

'Hidden in a place no villain will think to look...'

Welcome to MI High.

METAL DETECTOR BEEPS Aaah. Ooh.

Thrilling, isn't it?

Archaeology. Bringing the past to life.

Broken pots and mugs, woo-hoo(!)

You want antique bling? Go down the market!

Some of the stuff down there is two, three months old.

There is nothing here.

-CLATTERING

-Aaagh!

METAL DETECTOR BEEPS

-Funny-looking bicycle helmet.

-That's a Roman helmet.

This is so exciting.

Exciting? If we don't keep a lid on this,

St Hope's will be crawling with archaeologists trying to dig up HQ.

Relax! It's not like anyone's going to find out about this.

Oh, no, no, we're thrilled. I mean,

just imagine what else is waiting to be discovered under St Hope's!

BEEPING

LIFT PINGS

-I don't believe it.

-They're digging really close to the lift shaft.

-It's not that close.

-The beginning of the lift shaft is by those bins.

How much closer do you want it?

Oscar is right. Shutting down the dig is our priority.

I got you work experience with the archaeologists.

But don't forget to act surprised when the teachers tell you about it.

Today, you'll each be doing work experience

with someone who has the sort of job

you're likely to end up doing yourself.

So please check the list to see who you've been assigned to.

Whoa!

Great! I'll get to hang out with the local councillor!

I'm working with a footballer! Oh, nice one!

Oh!

Who is Mike Starr?

Ah. You know how you asked to do your work experience on a reality TV show?

-Yeah.

-Well, Mike Starr runs the TV repair shop.

-How is that connected?

-It's not.

I was just trying to break the news gently.

There's been some sort of mix-up -

you have all been assigned to the archaeological dig.

-No way!

-What a surprise!

Well, I can see how it might be fun for you, Rose,

but I'd imagine Oscar and Carrie, you two might be quite disappointed.

Oh, well. I'm sure that digging will be a great workout.

Yeah. And I've seen Indiana Jones at least 20 times.

Well, here's hoping you unearth something surprising.

Hey, my name ain't on the board.

Ah, yes, Timothy. We'll meet your mentor outside.

Don't worry. We can easily stop a bunch of dusty old archaeologists

-digging up stuff that we don't want them to.

-You better be right.

-I think he's the perfect choice for you.

-No way!

-DJ Ninja-Mixer?

-Not quite.

You'll be working with our very own Mr London.

Ah, Frank.

-The caretaker?

-I'm not sure about this, Mr F.

I'm very busy at the moment and...

Ah, ah, ah!

BEEPING

It's...it's just a gadget.

It, er...shows me when the...er...mop is too dry.

BEEPING STOPS

How about we start by you fetching me some water?

In UC Texas, we film everything with a 3D info-cam.

It's the latest technology.

And conveniently means you get out of all the digging!

Honestly, how can you call yourself an archaeologist and be that clean?

-We use state-of-the-art machinery to do our digging in the US.

-Yeah?

-Well, we rely on a KOS.

-Fascinating. What is that?

-Some kind of robotic digger?

-No, it's a knackered old spade.

And it was all I needed

when we found the lost tomb of the pharaoh Amenhotep.

I was only the second person to set foot inside in 4,000 years.

What have you ever done?

Thought so.

Aaargh!

They're getting closer.

There's still plenty of time for us to stop them.

Think about all the interesting finds they might make.

My friend at the Secret Service archaeology department...

I can't believe we're even discussing this!

If they find the lift shaft, MI9 will shut us down.

-They're still a long way off.

-Not far enough.

Use your work placements to sabotage their progress.

I've got a couple of gadgets that may come in handy -

and a few Roman coins for misdirection.

BEEPING

Proximity alarm! They can't have hit the shaft already.

No. Someone is trying to access the lift!

Oh, no, my shadow.

Oscar. Jerry the mouse - surveillance device.

Roman coins...

and the solidifier. Anything it touches becomes as hard as rock.

Mr London? Is you in there?

Good luck!

This way.

Lock's broken on the cupboard they keep the confiscated sweets in.

I just hope no-one fills their pockets

-while my back's turned.

-Not so fast!

Seems to me I'm being led up the garden centre

cos you don't want no-one in that cupboard.

-Oh, nonsense.

-What have you got in there?

All right. If you're going to be with me all day,

you'll find out sooner or later.

I've invented the best drain cleaner in the country.

-It unblocked the boys' toilets in 20 minutes.

-Drains?

Every caretaker in the country wants to steal it.

They don't even care it makes you stink of toilets for days.

-Come on, I'll show you.

-Er... Not so much.

Where's the sweet cupboard?

Let's get up there and cause some trouble.

I'll catch you up.

BEEPING

Hello, old chum.

Abergavenny Smith here. What-O?

-Hi, Abergavenny. It's Rose.

-I'm not in right now.

-Oh.

But if you'd like to leave a message...

..go for it. HE CHUCKLES

Cheers.

Hi, Abergavenny. You always say an archaeologist

never jumps to conclusions,

but they found Roman remains under St Hope's

and I'm sure it's something that will interest you.

Well, just thought I'd let you know. See you soon. Bye.

BEEPING

-This is a great spade.

-Will you please give Sam back?

I am trying to dig!

Sam? You have a name for your spade?

-Looks more like a Doug to me!

-When we agreed

to you being here,

it was on the understanding that you wouldn't get in the way!

So...

-what are we looking for?!

-Argh!

-You wouldn't understand.

-ARCHAEOLOGIST LAUGHS

Unless, of course, you're an expert

-in pre-Christian druidic settlements?

-I am, actually.

-Though it's not my speciality.

-Really?

Well, there's a great book by Rose Gupta that you should read.

-Well, actually...

-Linda!

What's that sticking out of the trench wall?

-Ah! I've found it!

-WE found it, Linda.

Don't forget who pays your wages.

Nine in Roman numerals.

You don't think...? It can't be!

Is that the eagle of the Ninth Roman Legion?

-I believe it is!

-Their disappearance was a great archaeological mystery.

No-one knows what happened to them -

they just disappeared somewhere in Britain.

We also have this small piece of worked metal.

And it's druidic.

-Exactly!

-The druids could be connected to the disappearance!

-This is a massive breakthrough. We need more people here!

-Er, Rose?

I've searched for this site for 40 years! I won't share it.

No, you won't. UC Texas owns everything we find, remember?

-OSCAR:

-Hey!

I found these Roman coins over by the school gate.

-You should be digging over there.

-Thank you.

-But we're going to stay here.

-But the coins...?

Aren't nearly as interesting

as the weird void about ten metres in that direction

our geo-survey found.

It seems to be a well or a shaft of some kind.

-Are you trying to avoid me?

-What ever gave you that idea?

-The way you keep running away!

-I'm just busy!

That'll be why your mop keeps drying out.

It's flashing again.

ELECTRICITY SPARKS

Fancy helping me with classroom nine?

I love doing this one.

The kids are always dropping money.

Hey, Linda? Want me to take this inside

-and give it a good polish?

-NO! Put that down!

-CLANGING

-Looks like you've hit rock.

Guess you'll have to change direction.

Fascinating. We found the same rock formation

when we discovered the final resting place of Attila the Hun!

You know, I was one of the first two people to see his face

in over a thousand years?

Yeah, well, whatever. It's too hard to dig.

Don't worry. I have a desolidifier.

A what?

It's the latest gadget to aid digging.

You wouldn't mind doing the honours?

-It looks really very dirty down there.

-I don't believe it.

-This is as good as ours.

-Do you need a hand digging?

Rose? A word?

You're supposed to be stopping them dig not helping!

It's fascinating! We're solving the mystery of the Ninth!

We could be on the verge of finding out how and why

-a Roman legion of nearly 10,000 men simply vanished.

-So what?

They're five metres from the lift shaft.

-This could be the end of our careers.

-Oh, you're exaggerating.

-This could be a significant find.

-Fine. I'll stop them alone.

You wouldn't.

Yo, Mr Caretaker Man...

I've found 20p!

HE SIGHS

Yo, where does this dude hang out, man?

Hey!

Mr London!

FRANK PANTS

This has gone...far enough.

Gotcha.

Nothing broken. You'll be fine.

From now on, I want clear warnings around this pit,

and no children anywhere near it.

Your work placements are over.

You can't let them carry on! This pit is a death trap.

I told you, you're fine. Now, you lot, away from the hole.

Was that supposed to help?

Now we're not even allowed close enough to the dig

to stop them digging.

Oh? And how exactly were you helping do that?

Oscar, you could have been badly hurt.

-It's not worth killing yourself just to keep your job.

-No?

I'm in Witness Protection, remember?

If they find the base, I don't just lose my job.

I lose my life and I have to start again somewhere else AS someone else.

So, maybe, for me, it's worth a broken bone or two.

Got it?

Sleepin' on the job, Mr London?

Oh, Scoop! Please don't tell.

Chill, Mr Caretaker Man. I'm sure there's a deal to be done.

What if I find you a little hideout... of your own?

Is that what I think it is?

A druidic dragonstave!

Awesome!

But... really, you're very dirty.

What is that?

A dragonstave. Unbelievable!

-Julius Caesar mentioned...

-No, no... Not that.

-That.

-It's a SKUL communicator.

No.

It can't be.

SKUL are here.

-Here we go.

-Oh!

-It's so cool!

-Now we can both stay out of each other's way

and do no work at at all.

This is a nightmare.

-SKUL know where we are.

-I don't think so.

If so, they wouldn't bother with the trench, they'd blast their way down.

They must be here for the archaeology.

Why would SKUL be interested in the disappearance of the Ninth?

I can answer that.

But you're not going to like it.

This is Abergavenny Smith, MI38 Archaeology Department.

Charmed.

MI38? I didn't even know it went up that high.

It's a very small department. Two agents - myself and...

Me! I help out sometimes at the weekends.

You're not allowed to work for two departments.

-I know, but...

-No wonder you weren't bothered.

You've already lined yourself up another job.

-It's not like that.

-Hey! Priorities?

There's far more than anyone's job at stake.

The oldest record of the disappearance of the Ninth Legion...

is this.

The Lagorian Texts.

It speaks of a single weapon, so powerful,

it wiped out the entire Ninth Legion in a few seconds.

That must be what SKUL are after.

It doesn't actually describe what the weapon looks like,

but listen.... "And the gods abandoned the legion

"as the dragon's breath consumed them."

They're describing the Dragonstave.

In the wrong hands, this could cause a catastrophe.

We have to get that weapon.

I thought the most important thing was stopping the dig and saving our jobs?

We're spies. Getting the stave is our priority now.

You three go. Frank and I will study the scroll,

see if we can work out what we're dealing with.

-It's gone!

-I thought you kids were told to stay away from here.

The Dragonstave - where is it?

Linda took it. She better have a good lawyer, because I'm going to sue her for breach of contract.

Sorry for butting in, old chap. Rather urgent. When did she leave?

Just now. She went...

I don't suppose I could pay you to do some digging?

What kind of weapon could wipe out 10,000 soldiers in such a short time?

-A nuclear device?

-2,000 years before we split the atom? Can't be.

I can't believe they put so little detail in the text,

but they spent so long on the decoration.

That's it! Look. The decoration is made up of plants,

REAL plants.

It's not a decoration. It's a recipe.

-What for?

-A biological weapon.

A biological weapon could still be active. What's the antidote?

-Turpicus Geranius.

-Great.

-Where do we get some?

-Um... We don't.

It's been extinct for 500 years.

If there's no antidote, we need to evacuate the school.

Frank!

This weapon wiped out 10,000 legionnaires in seconds.

No-one within three miles of the school is safe.

Go.

This is Agent London. We have a code nine. I repeat, we have a code nine.

We know what you're doing and who you work for.

-How?

-That really doesn't matter. It's over.

That was unsatisfactory behaviour for a leading archaeologist.

"Leading"? Ha!

I was second into Amenhotep's tomb.

Second to see Attila's resting place.

Second, always second!

Well, I've had enough. If I can't be first, at least I'll be rich.

What about respect?

Respect doesn't pay the bills.

Neither will SKUL when you're in prison.

Skull? What skull? We didn't find a skull.

Carrie... put that down carefully and step away from it.

It's a biological weapon.

Well done, Rose.

There's no traces of the toxins?

Best to be on the safe side.

OSCAR: How long do we have to wear these for?

It'll be an hour before we can be sure you're not contaminated.

Absolute bottom drawer, that Linda.

She still claims that she thinks she was just stealing an artefact to sell to an illegal collector.

Maybe she thinks they'll go easier on a thief than a SKUL agent.

Carrie, Oscar, get down to HQ.

Let's not risk King or Flatley recognising you.

I'll check the decontamination kit.

Well, Rose. We solved the mystery of the Ninth.

MI38's best and, let's be honest, ONLY agents

have done themselves proud.

Yeah, I guess. I just can't help feeling...

You know how you always say an archaeologist should never jump to conclusions?

The department's motto. What's on your mind?

Well, the scroll calls the weapon "Dragon's Breath", not Dragonstave.

What if the stave isn't the weapon?

Well, that would mean that the weapon was still out there.

Abergavenny, I've seen these symbols before.

Look!

Well, blow me down!

The patterns - they jolly well match.

This a real druid's weapon.

In the name of Rome, and the Ninth Legion, I claim this land...

We have just one weapon left!

No! NO!

Carrie? Oscar? The dig. The Dragonstave isn't the weapon.

And you have SKUL's thanks for leading us to the real one.

Hey!

Go after Toby, he's SKUL, he's got the weapon.

We must get that box back, pronto!

It should be safe if he doesn't open it.

Not for long. That box was protected from erosion by the earth.

Now that it's out of the ground,

it will start falling apart, releasing the toxins!

Council. Blocked drain quick response team.

That is quick. We haven't even reported a problem.

Toby, whatever you do, you must not open that box.

Let me walk away, or that's just what I'll do.

You don't understand. There's a biological weapon in there.

-If you open it, we all die.

-So you better be nice.

No can do.

Now, I'm going to walk out of here

and you two are not going to lift a finger.

Erm, what's happening? Why did you let him go?

If he leaves the school, we lose that weapon.

It can go off anywhere.

I'm not sure he's trying to leave. He went past the front doors when he could've gone out.

Curious. He could've left the school when he first took the box from us.

-But he didn't.

-There must be something else he needs.

You two follow Toby. Abergavenny and I will go back to the dig

and see if we can work what he's after.

The box is falling apart.

Maybe the chap wants to get his thieving hands on the bally eagle.

It's a wonderful thing, but SKUL aren't interested in history.

Look, this small piece of metal is shaped like Turpicus Geranius.

The antidote for the Dragon's Breath.

But it's metal!

It can't be an antidote.

No, but I think the pattern is a clue.

It must act as an antidote somehow.

You know, the design's awfully similar to the metalwork on the box.

That's it. It is the antidote! You must add it to the box somehow

to deactivate the weapon - like a key!

It makes sense. If SKUL are going to use it,

they need to turn it off afterwards.

That's why he hasn't left. He needs this.

Precisely. And thanks for finding it.

I would never have discovered it on my own.

I thought I was going to have to dig.

I had no idea the missing piece was on the table the whole time.

Now, hand it over!

Toby, just give me the box.

We seem to each have something the other wants. An impasse.

Oh, no, wait. I'm also heavily armed. Well, I win.

Uh, there's four of us?

You won't be able to knock us all out before one of us gets to you.

I'll drop the box!

Hand over the deactivator now.

Sorry, Toby. You may have the weapon,

but I've got something better. I've got dirt on you.

What could you possibly know about me?

Not that kind of dirt.

Argh!

How's that?

OSCAR: Oh, Rose...

The Dragon's Breath! The Dragon's Breath!

The Dragon's Breath!

Pleasure knowing you all!

You're forgetting our motto.

An archaeologist never jumps to conclusions.

That was very, very close.

The dirt! The dirt! Get it off me!

Well, Rose. MI38 saves the day again.

Actually, about that... I'm not sure I can be an MI38 agent anymore.

My team are the most important thing to me and I don't want them to think I'm less than 100% committed.

Rose, keep the weekend job.

Without those archaeology skills, a lot of people would've died today.

I'm sorry I got distracted from what was important. It won't happen again. Forgiven?

Yeah. Only, next time, you can be the one to chuck yourself in the pit.

Crikey, guys. I'm welling up.

Who's for crumpets and jam?

-You're weird.

-Mm.

Ha! Come.

That green councillor was such a fraud.

She drove me to the protest IN HER CAR,

then offered me a meat sandwich, from a plastic bag.

Unbelievable.

You should be with Caretaker Man. He's a total legend.

Think I is going to be a caretaker like him one day.

Yeah, so where's this room he showed you, then?

It's just down here. You is going to love it.

TV, Playbox 3000 and an armchair.

Come.

SNORING

LAUGHTER

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