Sick ROY

This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

He lives in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.

The only trouble is, he doesn't look very ordinary.

All Roy really wants is to fit in,

but it's very hard to stay out of trouble

when you're a cartoon.

Roy!

Roy!

Roy!

-MAN SNEEZES

-Flu epidemic! Flu epidemic!

Flu epidemic!

'Ballyfermot, like much of the rest of the country,

'is in the grip of a flu epidemic.

'In the O'Brien household, only one seems to have been affected,

'so far.'

Do you have to?

SHE COUGHS

-Mum, I don't feel well.

-Becky, is Roy up yet?

-Hello?!

-It's not like him to be the last down.

-Hello?!

-Will I go up and call him?

-Anyone there?

-Stay where you are.

Put on some bacon, see if this works.

-See?

-There you are, son.

We were getting worried about you.

It's not like you to be last down for your brekkie.

I was just onto Jack, texting him the cheat codes for Frog Massacre.

Frog Massacre, yeah, course.

Hello?!

I've got a temperature of 107.

I had to wring out my duvet...twice.

I've slugs crawling out me nose.

I have a headache the size of Poland.

Is there any chance of

the slightest smidgen of sympathy?

You won't be wanting your waffles, then.

The school has been badly hit.

Both pupils and teachers have been affected.

Symptoms are sore throat, fever, blocked sinuses and fits of...

sneezing.

OK, class, settle down.

-Jack...

-Not here, Miss.

-Kathy...

-Miss Sheringham?

-Tommy.

-Miss Sheringham?

Roy, what is it?

This is deadly.

Usually you can't get near the hoop.

Mr Hogan doesn't like me trying this, but he's off sick.

Course, you know why they're all sick?

They don't get any proper food these days.

All that Jamie flippin' Oliver stuff.

-What did we have to do last Friday, Ayleen?

-Couscous.

That's only fit for rabbits.

So today I say, make a nice roast with potatoes,

-and there's no-one here.

-Hi, Nora!

-Hiya, Roy!

Glad to see someone's here.

It'd take more than the flu to put you off your dinner, what?

I'll get you some nice potatoes.

Would you like some green beans? They're very good for you.

Will I give you extra crackling, Roy?

Yes, please, Nora!

Would you like some apple crumble, Roy?

Oh, Nora. Two portions, please!

HE BELCHES

Come to Daddy!

PHONE RINGS

Hiya, Jack.

No, now's not a good time.

Still dying, yeah?

No, I'm grand.

You need another games controller?

No, mine's back at home,

but I can throw it around if that's what you want.

So, when do you...

Hello? Jack?

The only real way to deal with this virus

is through inoculation. I've had my jabs, so has Maura, nurse Mary...

Er...actually, I haven't.

-Why not?

-To be honest, I'm not great around needles.

-If you do get the virus...

-Or blood.

The one thing you mustn't do is be a martyr, struggle into work,

infect everyone else, not good.

107 divided by ten

equals?

Oh! Kevid...? Kevid?

You mean Kevin, Miss.

Yes, Roy, that's what I said.

Kevin isn't here, Miss.

Oh...

Yes. I knew that.

Yeah, Miss.

-107...

-SHE SNIFFLES

divided by ted...

-Are you sure you're OK, Miss?

-I'm fide, Roy,

absolutely fide.

Can we not just watch a DVD, Miss?

No, Roy. We cannot just watch a DVD.

We're supposed to be leardig.

Oh!

In my old school, we used to watch DVDs.

Well, this isn't your old school, Roy. This is your new school.

And we're doing decimals, OK?

SHE SQUEALS

SHE SNEEZES

Some people might say I'm being a bit hard on him,

but Roy has a fair bit of catching up to do.

And frankly, this epidemic is a great opportunity to do that.

BELL RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Conor. Story?

Still dying, yeah? What?

Pancakes?

You need eggs.

I think.

Wh...? Conor? Who else is there?

Sinead, Conor and Jack were there.

We made pancakes.

Well, we tried to make pancakes.

I threw up in their window box. I don't think they found out.

Wednesday, we turned up at Sinead's place.

We made her have a party in her living room.

When her mum came home, she went ape.

Roy was the only one left in school.

All on his own.

Serves him right, the freak.

COUGHING

Third day...

I can't wait to get back to school, to be honest.

The television during the day is desperate.

I guess I miss my friends and I miss being busy.

Ring-ring! Hello, it's the phone. It's the phone, answer me,

it's the phone, answer me, the phone, it's the phone, answer me,

-it's the...

-Hey, Roy.

-Hey, Tom. How's the head?

Rotten! Have you caught it yet?

Funny you should say that, Tom. That's why I'm calling.

-What do you mean?

-School is terrible.

I need to get sick fast.

OK. Well, first things first, to get sick, you need to catch the flu.

I've got the flu, so where are you?

FEEDBACK SCREECHES

Whoa! Turn off your phone!

This is the last time I'll ask you, Roy.

Are you really sure you want to do this?

Come on, keep breathing through your nose

and sooner or later you'll have to sneeze.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Achoo!

Can I wipe it off now?

TOMMY LAUGHS

This isn't funny, Tommy.

This is flippin' manky.

Actually, Roy, it is kind of funny.

Something just occurred to me, Roy.

When was the last time you were sick?

Ummm... You know,

I can't actually remember.

Have you ever been sick?

'Rebecca is still sick, and feeling very much under the weather.

'She's desperate for her usual comfort food - ice cream.'

Roy!

Roy?

Roy?!

Shh....I'm getting pneumonia.

'Ten o'clock.

'And has Roy succumbed at last?'

Still normal.

You're just cold, love.

Here, this'll warm you up.

Listen, love, all I'm saying is that I can't blame him.

You know, if all his mates are off sick...

Did you never bunk off school, or pull a sickie?

Yeah, and when I did, it was me ma's job to catch me at it.

Honestly, Bill, I think he might be pulling a fast one.

And you being Mr Softy isn't helping.

I'm not being Mr Softy!

I'm just saying...

It's no good, Jack, I need to get sick fast.

I think me ma might be onto me as well.

Wait a sec. I think I might have an idea.

-I'm all ears.

-Have you tried...licking a bar of soap?

-What?!

-Jack!

Yeah. I heard somewhere that works really well.

Jack? Jack?

Wait a minute, Jack. What was that about soap?

Jack, I need to talk to you this instant!

Listen, Roy, got to go. Mum's on the warpath.

-What's happened to my window box?!

-Window box? What window box?

Soap!

HE MOANS

BUBBLING

Bill!

Can you come up here to Roy's room?

I need you to have a look at something.

-What is it, love?

-What do you think?

ROY MOANS

Yep... That's certainly new, isn't it?

Well, I don't like it.

Ah, he'll be all right, love.

If he's not better by tomorrow, we'll give Dr Raschid a call.

I might give him a shout anyway.

I suppose you'll be wanting your breakfast, then.

A man has to have his rashers.

I can't drive my taxi on an empty stomach, can I?

Hi, Jack. I fooled them, hook, line and sinker.

HE SNIFFS

Wait a minute! Hold on a sec.

Ah, no way!

She's cooking bacon!

I'll call you back!

Phew.

-You know what?

-Yeah?

That poor little fella.

-Normally he'd be straight down the stairs by now.

-I know, love.

-I should have believed him in the first place.

-Yeah.

Hi, I'm Becky.

I live in the room at the top of the stairs, first on the right.

-Could I have a bit of symp...

-Just a minute, Becky!

-Maura!

-What?!

Me rashers and me eggs...

Give that to your father before he dies of starvation.

Morning.

-Are you feeling hot, love?

-Yeah.

Is your tummy sore?

Aw...yeah, yeah.

You're staying in bed now.

Now anything you want, just shout.

-But you won't be here, Ma.

-I can't leave you on your own, son.

I'll tell Dr Raschid I'm taking the day off to look after you.

You're what?

Now, house rules when you're sick

are no computer games, no TV, and no getting out of bed. Are you with me?

-Yeah.

-Ahh.

Poor lamb!

Roy! How are you, pet?

Awful, Ma.

Awful.

Boredom, boredom, boredom, bo...

I'm bored, I'm bored!

Doo-de-doo. Ha ha!

I'm a ghost, I'm a ghost.

I'm a big fat hairy scary ghost!

Whoo! Ha-ha!

Roy...

I said no TV.

Look at the state of your bed!

This is what you need.

Some chicken broth, and yoghurt for afterwards.

-Thanks, Ma.

-I've taken the chocolate sprinkles off

in case they're a bit rich for you yet.

And there's no TV, OK?

I'm taking this with me.

-HE SIGHS

-Help!

It's 1:30, and Maura's just had a call from the medical centre.

OK. OK. Of course, Dr Raschid, yeah.

I'll be in as soon as I can.

Bye, now. Bye. Bye.

That was Dr Raschid at the clinic.

Nurse Mary's got the flu now.

And they can't cope, so I've got to go in, which means leaving Roy.

Roy!

Oh, don't leave me, Ma!

I know, love, but Mary's sick and Dr Raschid needs me.

So be a brave boy and try to manage without me for a few hours, OK?

-OK...

-Good boy.

CHEERING

Becky's here if there's an emergency.

You'll be OK, won't you, love?

-I'll try, Ma.

-Good boy.

Becky, keep an eye on Roy now, will you?

Go away!

-You're on the mend, so.

-And close the door!

OK, maybe I'm being overprotective,

but did you see the look on that poor fella's face

when I said I had to go?

Gutted.

Yahoo!

Yeah, she's gone! See you in a bit, lads.

Come on in.

-How you feeling, Roy?

-Terrible.

Me too!

So what do you want to play?

We want to see you do the hiding thing.

Frog Massacre? Monster Crash 2?

Nah, nah, the hiding thing.

Have you seen the hiding thing? Roy, show 'em.

Can't we just do normal stuff?

Hiding thing! Hiding thing!

OK, OK. Just this once.

Are you ready?

-Yeah!

-Come on!

-Get on with it, Roy.

Can you see me now?

-Of course. Get on with it, Roy!

-Roy, just do it, would you?

Can you see me now?

-Told ya!

-That never gets old!

Wow. That's amazing!

-Where's he gone?

-Worth waiting for, huh?

APPLAUSE Hi, guys.

I suppose there's some compelling reason

why you're all standing in our garden.

Feeling better, Roy?

HE COUGHS

Not really, Becks. You?

Are you, Becks?

Cos you're looking better.

Ah, c'mon Becks. It's hard to tell sometimes

with all that goth make-up.

You're not gonna tell Ma, are you?

That is for me to decide.

I'm now going back to bed and will not be disturbed.

And I haven't got any goth make-up on!

She's not going to tell on us, is she?

-Come on...

-No, that's cheating!

That's it, lads! There's only one thing for it.

I'm going to have to go into her room and confront her.

I have to know if she's going to tell me ma or not.

We all have to know.

-What are you going to say to her?

-I dunno, Sinead. Something.

Anything!

Becky? Becks?

Becka?

Becky?

Guys! I think you should see this!

What is it?

Turn the light on!

Well, this is interesting.

Interesting? Why? What are we supposed to be looking for?

-Where's she gone?

-I think I might know the answer to that one.

PHONE RINGS

What do you want, Roy?

Why are you ringing me from downstairs?

How are ya, sis? Are you all right?

Feeling any better?

No, I'm not. Now leave me alone

-or I'll tell Mam you've been skiving off.

-Sorry, Becks.

I didn't want to go barging in and disturbing you like you said.

But I was wondering if you wanted...

I dunno, a hot drink, soup or a sandwich

or something?

THEY GIGGLE

TANNOY: 'Will the owner

'of the white van please go to the information centre?'

-What's that, Becky?

-Er...it's the radio in my room.

What's going on, Roy?

What's going on, Becks? I'll tell you what's going on.

I've been in your room. And you're not there.

Probably at the shopping centre looking for some shoes or something.

So here's the deal. You've got nothing on me

and I've got nothing on you. Capiche?

THEY LAUGH

Oh, that was so fun!

That was really funny.

DOORBELL

-Hi, Roy.

-Kathy?!

I overheard Conor saying you have a copy of that new game, Frog Massacre.

Thought I'd drop by and try it out.

Give you all a run for your money, yeah?

Bored.

I feel rotten. Fit to burst.

Me too.

SHE BELCHES

Whoa!

SHE BURPS LOUDLY

Whoa!

HE BELCHES SOFTLY

-What was that?!

-Useless!

-Come on!

HE BURPS

Roy, how d'you do that? It's rapid.

It must have been the soap.

What? What soap?

I ate a bit of soap.

I didn't say eat the soap, just lick it.

I bet you couldn't eat a whole bar.

-I don't want to eat a whole bar of soap.

-Come on, I dare ya.

I don't want to, Kathy.

"I don't want to, Kathy(!)"

Come on. I double dare ya!

-It could be a laugh, Roy.

-Go on, Roy. I think it's be so cool.

I can't wait to see this!

Come on, do it! Come on!

-Boring.

-Useless.

-Waste of time.

HE BURPS DEEPLY

-Roy, are you OK?

-Help!

So, can Roy even get sick?

Who knows?

And if not, will this immunity lessen or deepen his troubles?

Bubbles?

I think I can safely say that is the first time

I've ever seen a patient... emitting bubbles.

A cartoon patient bubbling away, bubble, bubble, bubble...

That one is not in the medical books.

I know, it was my fault.

I shouldn't have left him alone.

Becky, leave Roy alone, will you?!

I was on the way to the airport with a fare when I heard.

I dropped him in the middle of the M50 and came straight over.

I'm worried sick.

Bill arrives to find Roy and Maura waiting anxiously.

Dr Raschid is investigating.

Well, the X-ray's come through,

and looks like we've got quite an unusual result.

Don't know if you can see it there.

Looks like a severe case of Celtic Breeze.

-Well?

-OK, it can be one of two things.

Either it's Oxygenating Lavatus Ebulliosis...

-What?!

-Come again?

It's a rare gaseous condition that affects boys,

mainly in the nine to 12 age group,

and can only be treated by spending an entire month in bed.

No distractions, complete calm,

no TV, no music and absolutely nil by mouth.

Or...it could be Roy swallowed a bar of soap

to fake sick and get off school.

Roy, I'm really disappointed in you.

A whole bar of soap?

So, Roy, which do you think it is?

Er, well...

Did I mention Becky wasn't sick either?

'I mean, of course we were very disappointed.'

I mean, it was so unlike Roy.

So out of character.

I mean, imagine eating a bar of soap!

He could have made himself seriously ill.

Yeah.

He should have just come clean, there, love.

Should have come clean!

Soap.

Well, last night I got sent straight to bed.

No dinner. No TV. In the doghouse.

And I still can't get that taste of soap out of my mouth.

What the...

Ma!

'The epidemic is over. School life is getting back to normal.

'Everyone is fighting fit.

'Well, almost everyone.'

-Kathy?

-Here.

-Barry?

-Here.

All present, except for Roy...

..O'Brien.

Right, class, not a peep. Ha, ha, ha!

HE GRUNTS

Miss Sheringham's going to be off for the rest of the week,

so I assume she's left you plenty of work to be going on with?

Yes, Mr Hammond.

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Jack.

How's school without me?

Aw, bet Miss Sheringham's giving you a hard time, right?

She's what?

She's sick?

But then who's taking the class?

-What do you mean?

-No-one!

Ah, Roy, it's deadly!

Get well soon, yeah?

Yeah? Roy?

Roy?

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