A Matter of Principal ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is he doesn't look very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble when you're a cartoon.'

Roy!

Roy!

Roy!

ROY!

'It's three days to go until Roy's birthday,

'and there's an air of excitement in the O'Brien household.

'Bill and Maura are making an early start.'

-Hello, Tommy.

-Hello, Mr O'Brien.

Roy, Tommy's here, don't be late, OK?

-Tommy, will you remind Roy to close the door?

-Yes, Mrs O'Brien.

-Good man. See you!

-Bye.

Tommy, get up here, I'm in my mum and dad's bedroom.

Where are you?!

Quick, Tommy, help me out here.

-We're gonna be late.

-What kind of wrapping paper is it in?

That's stuff there. When we find it, we'll open it,

take it out, and wrap it up again. She'll never notice.

This it?

You little beauty!

Throw it here.

I just couldn't wait any longer.

What happens when they give it to you on your birthday,

-and there's nothing in there?

-Duh!

We put it back in the night before.

We get a couple of extra days gaming done,

and no-one's the wiser. OK?

Jack, look at me new console!

I'll be able to link up with yous now.

Cool.

-Got you, Jack!

-That's not fair, Tommy, I'm on your side!

Look! Hammond on his way into school!

Watch out!

Get down, Roy!

-We said look out.

-That's happened to me twice before!

I swear he did it on purpose.

My console!

-Did it get wet?

-Please be OK!

Come on, please be OK!

Here, let me have a look at it for you, Roy.

It's OK, it's not damaged. Phew.

-It's still working.

-Roy, you're filthy.

-You gotta get yourself cleaned up.

-Oh, so I am.

I'll have to pop back home and get cleaned up.

I'll see you in a bit.

ROY WHISTLES

Give me some privacy!

I'm gonna be late!

BELL RINGS

Looks like Hammond gave you a right going-over earlier.

Yeah! Cheek of him!

I was just walking down the street like any REAL person.

-Who's up for another game, then?

-Yeah.

Here. Who am I?

-AS HAMMOND:

-"School is a place for education."

ROY IMITATES HAMMOND SNORTING

Do you give up?

Right, here's another one.

-AS HAMMOND:

-"I know all.

"I see all.

"My breath smells like a dog's bottom,

"and my car is a rusty banger."

ROY IMITATES HAMMOND SNORTING

ROY GIGGLES

He's behind me, isn't he?

Course you expect the students to have a go at you.

I'm the authority figure. Goes with the territory.

HE CHUCKLES AND SNORTS

But if you let that sort of thing get to you,

you shouldn't be in the job.

HE SIGHS

Shame about all the paperwork, though.

Any of you lot seen my stapler around here?

-Yes.

-Come on!

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

-Roy, stop cheating.

-Arrgh!

-BELL RINGS

-Yeah, yeah!

-Oh.

-Yes!

-Let's do this! Oh, yes!

-You coming, Roy?

Earth to Roy.

-Coming, Roy?

-No, I'm grand.

-We're off, anyway.

-..Yes!

Oooh, that's not fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

No, no, no, no, turn, turn, turn, turn!

Yes!

Oh, no, no, no.

That's not fair.

I'm so sorry, sir.

Pick up those papers.

I'm sorry, sir.

Just watch where you're going!

Give it to me.

Roy.

O'Brien!

I was just waiting for it to save.

Can I go with you guys?

BOTH: Mmm.

Can I have a go after yous?

Tommy, can I have a go after you?

Well, after you've finished this level.

What happened to yours, Roy?

I saw you with one at break time this morning.

Hammond had it off me.

I crashed into him in the corridor.

Can I have a go of yours, Jack?

-Ask Tommy.

-Tommy?

I'm in the middle of a game, Roy.

Oh, go on, Tom, don't be a scab.

I won't get mine back till home time.

Actually, Roy, I hate to tell you this,

but you won't be seeing yours for a week.

A week?!

He took my phone. Apparently, that's the regulations.

ROY PANTS

-Roy? You all right?

-A week?!

My mum will hit the roof! I'll be grounded for a year,

and I may as well forget about me birthday.

And it wasn't even my fault!

All right, class, back to your seats.

Right. Now we're going to have our nature class,

so I hope everybody brought in their leaves that I asked them to bring in.

OK, take them out of your bags,

and take out your markers and your pencils and your crayons as well, OK?

BELL RINGS

Well, there's only one thing for it, guys.

I'll have to get my console back from Hammond.

Cool.

Story, lads, what's going on?

Well, Roy sent Hammond flying in the corridor this morning

so Hammond confiscated Roy's computer game,

and now Roy says he's going to get it back off him.

What?! How on earth do you do that one, then, Einstein?

Break into the staff room and get it yourself?

Last time I checked,

you're more of a clumsy freak rather than a secret agent.

-What?

-All I'm saying is

that our boy Roy here is all talk and no trousers.

Actually, I don't wear trousers.

I rest my case.

All right, then! I will!

I will go in. I will get it back off him.

Then you'll be laughing on the other side of your smug face.

Yeah. Good one, Roy. In your dreams. I'll believe that when I see it.

OK, then. I'll film it. As proof.

And when I get back, with the evidence, then we'll see.

Then we'll see who has got trousers!

-Tommy, you've got a camera in your locker.

-Yeah...I do.

But, Roy, you've overlooked one fatal flaw in your plan.

What?!

I think Miss Sheringham is gonna realise

that the only cartoon boy in the world is missing from class.

Hold on. I've got an idea.

BELL RINGS

Roy, why have you changed seats?

Erm...Roy forgot his Geography book, Miss,

-so we're sharing.

-Right.

Well, no messing. Open your books at chapter four.

OK.

Can anybody tell me what the longest river in Ireland is?

Anybody? Roy.

Roy!

Anybody else?

Conor?

-The Shannon?

-Yes.

This is Roy O'Brien,

boldly going where no other pupil has ever gone before.

You'll eat your words, Kathy Cunningham,

and I'll get my console back.

Wow! I can't believe it! It's not locked.

Look at all those comfy chairs.

Mmm. This is really fancy.

Oh, man, they have their own fridge!

"Property of Derek..."

Flippin' heck, this is Hammond's sandwich.

Mmm, egg mayonnaise.

My second favourite.

Come to Daddy.

(Conor.)

(Conor.)

Miss Sheringham?

-Yes?

-Can I go to the toilet, please?

Yes, of course.

Conor.

-What's wrong?

-Nothing. Nothing.

Roy O'Brien here. I've penetrated the enemy's lair.

I've eaten their food,

and now it's time to apply myself to the task at hand.

Operation...hmm....

Get Roy's Console Back.

Nothing there.

BELL RINGS

All right, class, wrap it up for today.

CONOR MOUTHS

THEY MOUTH

Can I help you guys with anything?

Well, in that case, I suggest you all get along to your next class.

Lads.

Whatever it is you're up to,

I'm really not in the mood for it right now.

Roy. Are you OK?

Ow! Miss! Miss!

Tommy, what happened?

-Sinead hit me.

-Sinead!

-No...I don't think I did.

-Ow!

Here, let me take your books.

I'm fine now.

This is getting ridiculous. How long can we keep this up for?

-Relax, relax, Tommy. This is fun, man.

-Fun?!

I've already had to pretend I've nearly been beaten up by a girl.

GIRLS GIGGLE

Well, Roy better get a move on.

Cos we're gonna get totally busted here!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Right, pipe down, everyone.

I'm standing in for Miss Riley while she's off sick.

CHILDREN GROAN

I will, however, be popping in and out

to keep an eye on you all while you work. Right? So no funny business.

It says here that today

you're supposed to be doing a bit of life drawing.

Hands up, does anyone know what that is?

Does that mean we have to draw someone in the nude?

CHILDREN GIGGLE

No, Conor. Very funny. You can keep your clothes on.

But we will need someone who will be able to stand very still

for the next half hour.

Good man, Roy.

I'll pop in every ten minutes or so. They'll be fine.

I mean, how much damage can a classroom full of 11-year-olds

do with a bit of paint?

You'd be surprised.

You two haven't seen my sandwich anywhere, have you?

It was in my lunchbox this morning when I left it here.

I dunno. What did it look like?

HAMMOND SIGHS

It, er...

Well...

It looked like a sandwich, I suppose.

Egg mayonnaise, if you want me to be specific.

Are you trying to suggest that one of us took it?

No. No. Of course not.

How would I stay in shape

eating food like your egg mayonnaise sandwiches all day?

Well, it never did me any harm.

Are you sure about that now?

Go on out of that.

I'll have you know I've never been in better shape.

You're at a dangerous age.

For a start, you want to tighten that up a bit

with a few sit-ups every day.

Do you do much working out at all?

Ha!

You know yourself,

running this madhouse is a full-time job.

CHILDREN SHOUTING >

That'll be my lot, then. I'll be back in a sec.

CHILDREN SHOUT AND TALK

CLAMOUR STOPS

Keep the noise down now, or I'll be handing out detentions.

If I have to come back again...

Right, so.

What do you think for football?

-Cool.

-Great.

-What's going on here?

-Oh!

I'm just showing Dymphna here that I'm in the prime of my life. Urgh!

HAMMOND PANTS

You know, I had my suspicions

that a certain caretaker is behind all this.

Keep those elbows tucked in, Derek.

Behind what?

My missing sandwich!

And my missing stapler, too, for that matter.

What? Gwint? I doubt he's behind anything like this.

Ha, you may say all that, but...

HAMMOND PANTS AND GROANS

..every time he comes into my office, something goes missing.

-And it mysteriously turns up...

-HAMMOND GRUNTS

-..a few weeks later.

-Keep going, Derek. How many is that?

49...50!

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

HAMMOND PANTS

That's right, you're doing fine.

Keep it going.

I mean... I know it's not exactly stealing,

but, ha! I think Gwint's doing it deliberately to wind me up.

HE LAUGHS AND SNORTS

He knows I like everything in its proper place.

I mean, I can't have members of staff

taking the mickey out of me whenever they feel like it, can I?

Hmm?

HE PANTS

How can I? Huh?

Where...? Where have they gone?

BELL RINGS

Right, so everyone off to their next class.

I'll see the guys in the gym in 20 minutes.

JACK MOUTHS

TOMMY MOUTHS

Er, sir, can we have a quick word?

The art teacher likes to discuss the modernist movement.

especially the work of Picasso and cubism. What are your views?

Er...

O'Brien! Why are you loitering in the hall?

Isn't there some other place you should be?

O'Brien, I've had just about as much as I can take of you today.

If I have to come over to you...

Right, that's it, O'Brien.

What the...?

What's this then, lads?

It's an art project, sir.

Yeah. Live drawing, sir.

Good, isn't he?

Looks nothing like him.

HAMMOND SNORTS

Wait a second, lads.

BOTH: Yes, sir?

Where is O'Brien, anyway?

You three are normally as thick as thieves.

He's um...gone on.

To PE, sir.

So if you don't mind...

Right, so...

Well, go on!

And no messing.

Ah, Nora!

So here we are in Hammond's HQ.

Now we all know where he keeps his confiscated stuff,

and that's where me console will be.

It's through here, in a secret back room.

No sign of it. Maybe he filed it away.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Right, lads.

Who's up for being in goal?

Any volunteers?

Good man, Roy.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Come on!

THEY CHEER

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-What are you doing?

-THEY CHEER

-Oh, lads.

Come on, lads, let's play football!

This is a shambles! What are you doing? Play football, will yous?!

Oh, no!

Jack, you're driving me crazy!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Nothing in here except a load of boring files.

"Hello, everybody. I'm Derek 'The Hammer' Hammond,

"and I'm here to make your life very difficult indeed."

HE IMITATES HAMMOND SNORTING

"No running, no shouting, and most of all, no having fun."

HE SIGHS

HE OPEN DRAWER

Exhibit A. A nose hair trimmer.

Handy if you have a hairy nose.

Not much use to me, that.

Ew, what's that?! It's manky!

Eurgh.

ROY SNIGGERS

I don't believe it.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Ah, wake up, Roy. Bryony would have saved that one.

CHILDREN CHEER

Here, tell everyone to keep Hogan up the other end.

I can't believe you lot have gotten away with this for so long.

Are you going to help us or what?

WHISTLE BLOWS

HE GIGGLES

Guess who this is, folks?

Looks like Hammond has hair!

And it's that manky wig!

Now where the heck did he put me game?!

WHISTLING >

Oh! Great(!)

WHISTLE BLOWS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Will yous put a bit of effort in, lads? Come on!

Ten minutes. Ten minutes he's been here in this room.

When is he ever gonna leave?

Wha...?

What's he doing?

I don't believe it! He's got me game!

WHISTLE BLOWS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Right, that's it, lads, give it here.

Now.

This is a ball.

And that...is the goal.

And this is what you do.

Oh!

Roy?

Are you all right?

O'Brien?

Conor, can you go and see if the school nurse is in?

Stupid game. Kids' stuff, really.

Fed up with it.

Huh. That'll do.

Now...

Hmm.

AS HAMMOND: "Blah, blah, blah, waffle, waffle, waffle."

HE IMITATES HAMMOND SNORTING

"Gwint! Would you mind coming in here and clearing this stuff up?"

HE IMITATES HAMMOND SNORTING

Well, yes, I would mind, actually.

Why don't you try clearing it up yourself, you lazy so-and-so?

Ha. Huh.

Now...

See how you like that one, Hammond.

What's he doing?

CARETAKER LAUGHS

He's gone. Great!

Let's get it.

ROY STRETCHES AND GRUNTS

Ah. There.

Result!

OK, let's go.

Oh, no! I'm locked in!

I want to know what you lads were playing at -

you can explain to Mr Hammond.

Mr Hammond!

Can I have five minutes of your time to deal with these two?

So...what seems to be the problem, Mr Hogan?

That's what I intend to find out.

-DOOR OPENS

-Oh, no!

Sit.

These lads were using a cardboard cut-outof O'Brien in my lesson.

The same one I caught you with earlier?

Right, what's going on?

Right.

Where is Mr O'Brien?

OK. They can sit here all morning...

till you give me an answer.

GAMES CONSOLE MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, no! I've left the console on!

Oh, no. Please.

MUSIC STOPS

Excuse me for a minute.

ROY PANTS

O'Brien!

Well.

Suffice to say Roy's birthday was a very subdued affair.

It was more like a wake, to be honest.

Well, it was.

And a month's detention.

I mean, a month!

It's got to be some kind of record. Hmm?

And not a record to be proud of, either!

(No.)

THEY SIGH

It is something of a record for the school, yes.

Not the sort of record we like to shout about, I admit.

HE SNORTS

But it's one of the...

AS HAMMOND: "Gwint! Would you mind coming in here and clearing this up?"

HAMMOND FAST-FORWARDS TAPE

What?

See how you like that one, Hammond!

No.

CARETAKER ON TAPE LAUGHS

Denis!

Denis!

Can I have a quick word?

Can you excuse me for a moment, gentlemen?

Sit down, Denis.

Yeah, thank you. Just a moment. Thank you.

Now, Denis...

I'd like you to have a look at this.

DOOR BANGS SHUT

Was it worth it?

Honestly...no!

My birthday was a disaster,

and I'm not getting my console back for three months!

Three months!

They may as well give it away,

cos by the time I get it back, it'll be out of date.

Everyone else will be playing something newer.

Still, though, you have to admit, he's a good-lookin' fella, isn't he?

Every kid in the school wanted to sign him

after they heard what we did.

And before I've even got my film back from Hammond,

I'll practically be famous.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]