Big Head ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is, he doesn't look very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

Roy!

ROY!

He-he!

'It's morning at the O'Brien's and breakfast is chaos as usual.'

Roy! Brekkie, brekkie.

Bedhead.

Don't even think about it. Got my eye on you.

Your dad's been at the bacon again. There's only one piece left.

Don't! Move away from the bacon.

-Bedhead.

-What?

Sucker.

I can't keep your dad away much longer.

Roy, you're such a loser.

No, really, you should get some kind of klutz trophy.

It would need to be made out of rubber cos you'd probably drop it.

Don't listen to her.

She's right, Ma. I always mess things up.

I don't want to hear that kind of talk.

A bit of self-confidence, please.

You go far in this world if you believe in yourself.

Now, let me hear you say it, "I'm great. I'm fantastic."

Great.

-Fantastic.

-What happened to the egg?

-What?

-The egg.

Roy!

Sorry about that bit. Cheers.

I don't know what you're building him up for, Mam.

I'm the fantastic one around here.

I'm afraid your other school skirt's in the wash.

You're going to have to wear these.

Yeah?

I realised, if I was going to stand a chance

at the inter-school quiz, I was going to have to revise all night.

You're already a brainbox, Tommy. Not like me.

It's the case of knowing the right facts.

The capital of Paraguay is Asuncion.

Fried spiders taste like nuts. The first dog in space was...

Oh, I know this. Me and Becky saw it on telly. Um, Laika.

I just have to persuade Hammond to let put a team together.

Is your toy stuck?

Don't worry, I'll get it.

Wow, thanks.

-The discus has been an Olympic event since 1896.

-Cool.

And so I said,

"Dad, you're not driving me to school in those trousers."

-Hand it over, Cunningham.

-Mr Hammond, sir.

-You know the score.

You're not allowed a mobile in school.

Especially not after ordering a pizza during assembly.

But it's a calculator.

It's a sat nav, in case I get lost on my way to physics.

It's a smart spoon,

-it tells you when your soup's the right temperature.

-Hello.

ALL: Whoa.

Roy, is it true that you saved a kitten from a tree?

I heard he saved a puppy from a train.

-No, he saved a baby from a seagull.

-Actually, no, it was nothing.

You're fantastic, the hero of the school.

-Everybody's talking about you.

-Yeah?

Well, er, yeah, it was a big seagull. Massive.

THE GIRLS GASP

Mr Hammond, sir.

I was just wondering

if you'd had any thoughts about a school quiz team.

Nope, no thoughts whatsoever.

But, sir, the school quiz championship is tomorrow.

Not good for me, Tommy. Wednesday is my pilates night.

-The winning school gets a computer suite.

-Not interested.

We're falling over computers.

I really think we're in with a chance.

The only other school to enrol is St Cedric's.

St Cedric's? They're in?

Yes, sir. They're hosting it.

Then it's time, Tommy, that we assemble

the finest minds Ballyfermot has to offer.

We're competing? We're going to need a team captain.

-The job's yours, Tommy.

-Yes. Nice one, Mr Hammond.

St Cedric's versus Ballyfermot.

He hasn't got a chance.

HE SNORTS

I mean, they...

..they haven't got a chance.

There's a bit of a history

between me and the headmaster of St Cedric's.

We've been rivals since we were kids.

Um. This is a picture of me and him here on school sports day.

I won, of course.

Er, the, er, school winner's cup

just happened to be smaller that year.

I've got work to do. You going to have to leave me now.

ALL CHEER

-One million and four and counting.

-That's the highest score ever.

GAME BEEPS

-It's finished?

-It says, "We aliens have given up.

"And we'll never invade again. Sorry for bothering you."

No-one's ever got this message before.

According to the guidebook, it doesn't even exist.

ALL CHEER

Oh.

-Problems, Jeanette?

-It won't spit out my homework.

-Roy. You're fantastic.

-I am, aren't I?

-I'm home. Nice trackies, Bex.

-Shut up.

-How are you, Dad?

-All right, son. Did you have a good day?

-The best.

First, I started off by saving a hedgehog from a pony. Yeah.

-Should've got a medal.

-Really?

-Yup. I've been ace all day.

And then at home time,

I burped out the class register including the middle names.

It's been a fantastic day. Actually, I've been fantastic.

Whoa, son. Now, a little less of blowing your own trumpet.

You don't want to get big-headed. No-one likes a big head.

Don't worry, Dad. Keeping it real.

It's good Roy's confidence is growing.

He's starting to take after Bill.

-You're never afraid to mention your achievements.

-I do not, no.

I'm as modest as they come.

I'm not one for talking about all the things that I've done, like.

-The stuff, the stuff...

-The stuff.

-All the, all the...

Maura, you, you name some of things that I've done.

I've been thinking about what my dad said but it's hard to ignore

your fantasticness when everyone's telling you you're fantastic.

Better get some sleep. It's tiring being number one.

That's weird.

Roy. What's taking you so long in there?

I'm sorry, but my face is taking longer to wash than usual.

I made a playlist of facts to listen to while I'm sleeping. Here, listen.

-That's weird. They usually fit my head.

-Doesn't matter.

-101, 102, 103.

-How long are you going to keep this up for, Jack?

Until I get my record back from Alex.

-How much do you have to beat?

-1,213.

-Oh, boys.

-You'll never get it back, Jack.

In my last school, we did keepy-up all the time.

A ball bouncing on your head was almost part of the uniform.

-Alex, you put me off.

-Sorry.

-Oh.

Nice ball control.

Well, I've never been much good at headers but I think I've improved.

Is there anything you can't do, Roy?

Jeanette, I'll let you know when I find something, yeah?

Whoa, did you see that? Watch this.

-Wow, Roy, that's amazing.

-Isn't it just?

You're definitely the star pupil here.

-I was thinking the same thing.

-You should be head boy.

I should, shouldn't I?

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Ballyfermot School, Hammond speaking.

-'Derek, it's Eric.'

-Ah, it's you.

Ready to be annihilated? Destroyed by my superior tactics.

'That's why I'm calling. A bit of a problem, I'm afraid.

'There's been a leak at St Cedric's and the place is a right mess.

-'We're going to have to postpone the quiz until we can clean up.'

-Oh, no.

You're not going to get out of it that easily.

No, no, the quiz will proceed as planned. But here at Ballyfermot.

'Oh, righty-oh, see you later.'

We'll find out who's the daddy tonight.

Who's the daddy? Who's the daddy?

Me, I'm the daddy. I'm the mac daddy of them all.

'I'm still here, you know.'

I don't know if you've heard, but I'm captain of the school quiz team.

-We know, Tommy.

-We read your sticker.

Oh, yeah, I was wondering if you'd like to be in the quiz team.

Sinead, you know loads of stuff.

Jack, you could answer the sports question.

-There's always a sports question.

-I'm up for it.

-Really?

-Do I have to?

-Yeah, you do. Now, we just need to find a fourth member.

Oh, dear.

Roy, getting stuck in the doorway so lessons can't start is so cool.

-You're the coolest.

-I am, aren't I?

Hey, lads.

Roy, would you like to join the school quiz team?

Ah, er, I don't know.

Of course he would, he'd be an amazing team member.

I would, wouldn't I?

Nice company.

Thanks. I wasn't going to ask Roy.

-I thought you'd be pleased to have him on the team.

-I am.

I just don't think Hammond will be.

A bit of order, please. Find your seats.

-Yes, Alex?

-I can't see the board, miss.

-Oh, er, yeah...

Roy, do you think you could tilt your head at an angle?

Perfect.

Now, I thought we'd warm up the old brains with some basic maths.

Can anyone tell me what minus five squared is?

25.

-Wow, Roy, that was quick.

-I know, it just popped into my head.

-Well done.

Can anyone tell me, the square root of two is..?

1.4142135.

And the square root of three is 1.7320508.

But the square root of four is so much simpler, two.

Very impressive, Roy.

I think it must be a cartoon thing.

Roy's head's got bigger and so has his brain.

-Hm? Sorry? What?

-Roy's suddenly a genius. Big head equals big smarts.

This is brilliant.

Roy. What is the largest landmass in the world?

The supercontinent of Africa-Eurasia.

-Who invented the flush toilet?

-Sir John Harington.

What do fried spiders taste like?

-Nuts.

-I told him that.

Roy. You're brilliant. I'm making you quiz team captain.

-But, sir, I'm quiz team captain.

-Were, Tommy.

Were.

You can be first reserve.

It's probably for the best, Tommy. I'm now much smarter than you.

There's lots of things I'm good at.

-Um, drawing, dancing, pro-celebrity golf.

-We could make a list.

It'd be quicker to make a list of things that you're not brilliant at.

We could make it on the back of a postage stamp.

Anyway, other things.

Um, juggling, canoeing, juggling whilst canoeing, that's a favourite.

Um, also, just like going on my bike...

You're doing a good job making sure Roy's head is large.

I want you at the quiz tonight, making sure his head is massive.

-I don't think so, sir.

-Come on, Cunningham. We need you on side.

I've just been having a laugh. I'm busy tonight.

We all have to make sacrifices, Cunningham.

What if I were to make the deal a little sweeter. Hmm?

-What's she doing here?

-I can't shake her.

I think she's trapped in the gravity of your head.

Huh?

-What about Chinese liver?

-No, Bill. Chinese liver!

-Hey, Mr and Mrs O'Brien.

-How are you, girls? Roy, you coming in?

Mother... Ay, Roy, what's happened to your head?

-I upgraded. I need more memory for the school quiz.

-That's why we here.

-To do a bit of revising.

-You can do some revision.

Roy and I are going to make up a chant.

-Everyone can shout it when he wins the quiz.

-Great idea.

We just have to think of something that rhymes with super ace.

Sinead.

He been like that all day, has he?

If Roy wins that quiz he's going to be unbearable.

How big is his head going to get?

If it gets any bigger we'll have to give it its own postcode.

'Following some hasty preparation,

'Ballyfermot's hall is ready for the inter-school quiz.'

-How are you, Derek?

-Mr Hammond.

-Right.

-Derek.

-Now, listen, Roy.

Remember what I said to you, no showing off, right?

Don't worry, I won't.

Now, can you all remember the words to the Roy, Roy, super ace chant?

I can think of more exciting things to do than being here.

Like, say, watching jelly set.

Hi. Nice to meet you, I'm Marcus, captain of the St Cedric's team.

I'm Roy. You've probably heard about me.

-Didn't you rescue a pigeon from a bulldozer?

-Yup. That's me.

Actually, I don't know why you showed up today,

you're going to get owned.

Ha-ha-ha.

He hasn't got chance. What age is he? Six?

-Derek, good to see you.

-Won't be good when you lose, though, hey?

-Ha-ha.

-You never change, Derek.

-May the best team win.

I think you'll find that's me. I'm the best team. Ha-ha-ha.

HE SNORTS

Buh-buh buh-buh-buh.

Ah, yessy, yessy, yessy.

There's no need to be so boastful in front of the other team, Roy.

-They all seem very nice.

-But I'm better.

You don't say it even if you think it.

Last-minute substitution. Jack, you're out.

-Cathy, you're in.

-What about the sports question?

-There's always a sports question.

-But Jack's part of our team.

Sorry, Sinead, suits me, I've got a record to break. Come on, Alex.

Jack, you're wasting your time, my time, the ball's time.

This is going to be great, Roy. They haven't got a chance against you.

OK, quiet please.

CHEERING

The first question is for Roy.

What is the name of the waterway which connects the Mediterranean

and the Red Sea?

BILL MOUTHS

The Suez Canal. Opened in 1869.

It's 193.3 kilometres long and 24 metres deep.

The Suez Canal would have been fine, Roy.

Marcus, the Battle of Hastings took place in 1066.

-But what was the day and the month?

-Oh, I know this. It was...

-The 14th October.

-Correct.

-I knew that, yeah.

Cathy, who won the World Cup in 1954?

-I knew there'd be a sports question.

-Um.

Um.

Um.

Was it Ireland?

Oh.

-Wrong. We'll throw the question over to St Cedric's.

-It was Germany.

-West Germany.

-Correct.

AUDIENCE: Yes.

-Wrong. Correct.

-The yeti.

-The Louvre.

-Correct.

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Correct.

-Farmer's wife.

-Correct. Correct. Correct. Wrong. Wrong.

-Guacamole.

-Correct. Correct. Wrong. Wrong.

-Correct.

-General Custer.

-Wrong. Correct. Correct. Wrong. Wrong.

-Tchaikovsky.

-Correct.

It's a dead heat between Ballyfermot and St Cedric's.

So, the team captains are going to have to go head-to-head.

I think you'll find Roy's got the upper hand, there.

The Boer War, Tottenham Hotspur, the Iguanodon, Mr Blobby.

Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy.

The head-to-head's not due to start for another five minutes.

Why don't you go outside and get some fresh air?

-Clear your head.

-OK, cool.

You stay here with us, Cathy.

BILL SIGHS

-We're worried about Roy's head.

-Dr Rashid is away in a seminar.

But he told us to monitor the situation.

And the situation is Roy can't stop spouting information.

It's like a jam doughnut.

All the jam is starting to come out of his head.

I'm just going to nip out

and see if there's a snack stand selling doughnuts anywhere.

-Yeah.

-Get one for me.

-May as well get something from being here.

-I give up.

Val Doonican, Sea of Tranquillity,

Robbie Williams, Canis lupus, Michael Jackson, Sucker P...

-Coming up next is...

-Science.

-Science, OK. Science or maths.

It's going to be OK.

Look, you have all done really well,

you should be very proud of yourselves.

But, sir, we've got to win.

I know it's a cliche but it's not about the winning.

It's about taking part.

But St Cedric's computer suite.

-If we win the quiz, we'll replace it like that.

-I know that, Marcus.

But if we don't win, we'll make do. OK?

They really need to win.

Hey, lads. Listen, I just overheard the St Cedric's team talking.

They haven't got any computers.

-And I suppose you're better than any computer?

-Mr Big Head.

Listen, lads, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

TAPPING ON THE MICROPHONE

Attention, everyone. The head-to-head's about to begin.

This is a knockout round.

The first person to get a question wrong loses the quiz.

-Do you understand?

-Yes.

Marcus, where in Egypt was Tutankhamun's tomb found?

The Valley of the Kings.

-That is correct.

-Yes!

Roy, what was Elvis Presley's first hit single?

Um.

# Lonely Street At the Heartbreak Hotel, baby. #

Heartbreak Hotel.

-That is correct.

-Yes.

Marcus, who is Bruce Banner?

I know this.

He's the Incredible Hulk.

Correct.

Yes.

Roy, you need to get this question right

or St Cedric's have won the quiz.

-OK.

-What was the name of the first dog in space?

Um.

He knows this. He's seen it on TV.

Er, um.

Prepare to eat humble pie served up with lashings of loser custard.

Ha-ha.

I've been like that.

Quick! Roy's head's deflating.

Roy, you can do this.

Think about how much everyone will love you if you win.

# Roy, Roy super ace Massive head, massive face.#

-You'll be everybody's hero, Roy.

-Mr Hammond!

No, I won't. My dad was right. Being a big head isn't nice.

I'm going to need an answer, Roy.

Roy, you have to use your head to win for Ballyfermot.

No, St Cedric's needs to win more.

We're still waiting, Roy. What was the name of the first dog in space?

The first dog in space was...

-..was Harry the space dog.

-That's wrong. It was Laika.

CHEERING

Aaargh!

-Derek. No hard feelings.

-Yes, lots of hard feelings.

You've always been like this. Can't we forget the competitiveness?

We are brothers. What would Mum say?

Just you wait till Christmas.

I'm going to destroy you at Scrabble.

You knew the answer. Why did you get it wrong?

St Cedric's needed those computers.

You gave the right answer, Roy.

-It's good to have the old Roy back.

-Ha. Loser.

Even I knew the answer, we saw it on telly.

There's only one winner in this family. Moi.

Becky, you have a little bit on your...

-Ignore her.

-Don't worry.

In the future, I won't let criticism or praise get to me.

-1,212, 13, 14.

-The record's mine again.

-Come on, guys, let's go.

I've got to get the record back. I want to be the best.

Believe me, it's more trouble than it's worth.

Anyway, a girl in the other class managed 4,523 keepy-uppies.

-He's got to be kidding.

-Yeah, Roy.

-You are joking, aren't you?

-Roy!

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