Roy's Bad Hair Day ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is, he doesn't LOOK very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

Roy!

ROY!

He-he!

'Another beautiful morning

'and all is quiet and calm in the O'Brien household.'

BECKY SINGS OFF-KEY SCALES

'Well, it was nice while it lasted.'

It's Becky, practising for an audition this weekend.

For what? Part of a murder victim in a play?

No, for a band.

She has a crush on the guitarist, that Martin boy.

DOG HOWLS

I know how he feels.

Ma, can I borrow your fake tan at the weekend?

-And will you help me dye my hair blonde?

-No way.

Ah, come on. Look at me, I'm like a milk bottle with a crow for hair.

Forget it, Becky. If Martin doesn't like you the way you are, then...

-You've been reading my diary again!

-No. No, I haven't.

I heard you talking in your sleep on the couch

-saying he only likes blondes with tans.

-Mm-hm!

Anyhow, if he doesn't like you the way you are, that's his loss.

Says the woman who dyes her hair AND uses fake tan.

That's for me. I don't care what your da thinks.

Nothing wrong with a bit of fake tan.

I had a smashing fake tan when I was a body-builder.

Did I ever show you this, love?

You see this, love? Huh?

Huh?

Remember him, Maura?

Phwoar!

HE GRUNTS

I don't know what's worse,

that photo or the fact that you keep it in your wallet.

That's what's weird.

ROY YAWNS

Horrible dreams.

Kept on hearing a banshee screaming.

-No, that was just...

-OK, OK, you can borrow my fake tan.

-Deadly. And my hair?

-Don't push it, Becky.

-Hm!

I know how you feel.

I'm bored of ALWAYS looking the same.

I'd love to have a tan some day.

APPLAUSE FUNKY MUSIC

Nice tan, Roy.

BELL RINGS

-Ah, good morning, Miss Jervis.

-Mr Hammond...

Oh...

You look different. I mean, warm... No, glowing.

-You look glowing, Derek.

-Thank you, Miss Jervis.

Well, Mr Lucey...

You look like you're under some kind of spell.

Huh? Oh, no. No, no, no.

No. It's just...

I was just looking at...that...

fascinating...er...

-Cobweb.

-..cobweb up there.

Cobweb?

MR HAMMOND LAUGHS

The man must be seeing things.

The only cobweb I can see is between his ears!

HE LAUGHS AND SNORTS

Well, I'm meeting...

Thing now, so...yeah. OK.

Everyone's gone mad!

Looks like a badger died on his head and no-one told him.

Easy for YOU to say.

You've had a cool new hairstyle every day this week.

Love the new hairdo, Niall.

Cheers.

Two words...

Hair gel.

Ha!

All the gel in the world couldn't help YOU...Roy.

Grrr!

What IS that?

BELL RINGS HAIR SQUEAKS

I'm sick of always looking the same.

I'd love to be able to grow my hair and change it.

HE SIGHS

APPLAUSE

FUNKY MUSIC

Nice do, Roy.

My new look.

Yes, well, I'm going on holidays to Majorca.

I thought I'd get my body into shape.

I've lost 2lb 2oz...

in one...one month.

I've been hitting the weights, too. These...

guns are coming along nicely.

HEART THUMPS

ALL GASP

It wasn't me. It was...

HE GULPS

..the wind.

Yard clean-up. For a week!

-You'll never guess.

-What?

I found a can of hair-growth oil

in Hammond's office when I was cleaning.

The poor fella! Trying to have a make-over at his age!

I'M going to have a make-over.

Hmm.

Hair-growth oil.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Extreme Chess magazine. Urgh!

HE SPRAYS BOTTLE

HE COUGHS

That smelled rotten!

Argh!

Hammond's manky jocks!

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

"Hair Again.

"Grow hair like a champion."

Ha! Perfect.

Hmm... Which hairstyle will I get?

OK, brand-new Roy. Here we go.

Bye-bye, pale skin.

HE COUGHS

Oh! This smells like Da's manky socks.

Hmm. I still look like a ghost.

Just a bit more.

HE COUGHS

Oh...

STILL white?

Um, OK. Time for some gorgeous new hair.

"To use Hair Again, apply two drops only and massage into scalp."

One,

two.

Argh!

Arghhh! No, no, no! Hammond's going to kill me!

Argh. Oh, no, no, no.

Oh! "Ladies' Friend Cream." Perfect.

Ma won't miss a bit of moisturiser.

I look exactly the same!

Any chance of a few sausages, Ma?

What?

Whoo-hoo!

You're...orange.

Oh. Um, I've been eating healthy at school. Yeah.

Loads of oranges and... carrots an' all.

No, no, no, never mind that, Roy. What's going on with your hair?

We should call Dr Rashid.

We should call the zoo.

BELL RINGS

CHILDREN CHATTER

-Hey, hey. Awesome hair, Roy.

-Thanks, sir.

Actually, this is perfect timing.

OK, class, we are going to utilise Roy's hair

to demonstrate static electricity.

Oh, cool! I never get picked for experiments.

OK, everybody, grab a balloon and rub it on your jumper.

Now, make a circle around Roy, gather around him.

OK, so the static electricity

should make the balloons stick to Roy's hair.

FIZZING BANGING

Wow. Er, that's... That's never happened before.

Yeah, nice one, Roy-punzel!

ALL GASP

Um, Roy... Roy's always been very eager in science class.

I thought his hair would be perfect

for the classic balloon static electricity experiment,

but...I don't know what happened.

My experiments never go wrong.

BANG!

Sorry. Um...

Oh!

OK...

HE SLURPS

Ah! This is the life.

-Wow.

-Brilliant.

-It's a bit freaky if you ask me.

Niall, having the second best hair in the class is still pretty good.

Actually, third best hair.

Oh, no. Deco!

Ow!

-My office, now!

-But, sir, I didn't...

-Ah!

HE LAUGHS

Revenge. Nice one, hair.

Yeah, high-five for great hair.

That's cold.

You could do with a bit of a haircut, to be honest, Roy.

Ah, Abby was right.

You're just jealous that my hair is stealing the limelight from...

-Oh!

-BIRDS CHIRP

Argh. Um, yeah, OK, maybe it does need a bit of a trim.

I can cut it. My ma's got hair scissors.

My dad has a head shaver. We could shave it all off.

HE TUTS

Niall, Niall, Niall...

Jealousy is a terrible curse.

-I'll be over later.

-You're on.

HAIR PURRS

-Are you sure you want to do this?

-Deffo. I can't see a thing.

Good hair. It's only a bit of a trim.

Tara's our mate!

Hey... Sorry, Tara. Bad hair!

Shh, be careful. His hair's nuts.

It's just hair. Dumb cartoon hair.

Watch a master hair ninja at work!

HAIR CLIPPER BUZZES

See? No probs.

Argh!

Tara!

Tara! Help me, please!

Tara! Please!

Help me, Tara!

Tara!

His hair's gone mental.

Wait, my hair...

Is it bad?

It's fine, but your jumper... It's...

No way.

-ROY:

-Sorry!

Stay...

Stay.

Good hair. Good hair.

This is terrible. I'm having the worst "bad hair day" ever.

What if it never stops growing?

I want my old boring hair back.

Argh!

Fine. I don't want my old hair back.

BECKY SINGS OFF-KEY SCALES

Argh!

I have to tell her she's horrible.

Er, sorry, sis.

-You can't sing to save your life. You're brutal.

-BECKY: Shut up!

I just don't want you to embarrass yourself.

All that hair's getting in your ears. I know I'm brilliant!

Maura!

Yes!

HAIRBALLS SQUEAK

Yes.

Yes!

Hairball in the shower. It's alive!

The amount of hair Roy's shed, you'd think he would be bald!

These hairballs are... They're everywhere!

Here...

Oh, and they're cheeky, too!

Arrgh!

Look at me! Argh! Me feet!

There's no way I'm going to school looking like this!

HAIRBALLS SQUEAK

It's great, isn't it? Our little boy is finally becoming a man.

He'll be an OLD man unless you hurry up.

He's starting to look like Santa Claus.

OK, son, so the first thing you have to do is spread some shaving foam...

WHIP CRACKS

-Here, love. Try some of my hair-remover cream.

-Hey...

-That stuff is hair remover?

-Yeah.

Oh! Argh! Hammond! Oh, no!

CAMERA CLICKS

Arrrrghhh!

Arrgh!

Arrghh!

Roy? Is... Is that you?

Don't look at me!

Roy? Roy, it doesn't matter what you look like.

-This school doesn't discriminate against anyone ever.

-I'm a freak!

Ah, listen, there's far too much media pressure on people

to conform to body hair standards.

Body hair, it's a normal, natural thing,

and there is no such thing as being a freak.

-Oh! Oh!

-I'm never coming out of here!

Hey, Roy, it's me, Mr Lucey.

Look, everything that happens to you as a cartoon makes you special

and unique.

I mean, everybody spends their whole life trying to stand out

and be original and you don't even have to try, Roy. You're a natural.

I suppose.

And whatever happened to you is natural.

-It's just part of being a cartoon boy.

-It's not natural.

It's all my fault!

I borrowed Mr Hammond's hair-growth formula without asking.

-Oh.

-And now I'm a hairy freak.

Look, don't worry, Roy.

-I am sure we can find a scientific solution.

-Really?

-Sure.

I mean, it was science that made your hair come alive

in the first place.

Now, the key to any scientific solution

is based on intense observation.

-Huh?

-If we observe your hair, we'll find an answer.

Really?

Can we start observing straightaway?

Well, school's nearly finished for the day, but we'll start on Monday.

No, please! I can't spend the whole weekend like this.

Come over for dinner.

Me ma's making some awesome spaghetti.

Spaghetti? Hmm.

-Yeah, OK.

-Brilliant. I'll let me ma know.

WHISPERS: I love spaghetti.

Just for the record, I would like to clarify

that the bottle of Hair Again oil Roy took from my office

wasn't, in fact, mine.

It... It was for a friend.

Want to come over for dinner? I have the new Zombie Apocalypse game.

-It's Friday. We can stay up late.

-Sure.

-Lucey will be there, that's the only thing.

-What?

-Lucey will be there.

Did you say Lucey would be there?

He's studying my hair to see if he can figure out how to get rid of it.

-Forget it. No way.

-Ah, come on, please.

Ma's bound to ask him how I'm getting on at school.

You have to change the subject if that comes up.

-I'd rather eat my own fork.

-Oh, please!

-OK.

-Cool. No backing out.

-Mermaids?

-Yeah.

The government has the ones they've found hidden in freezers.

-No way.

-Way.

-Area 78.

-Oh, go 'way.

Maybe the government will put Roy in a freezer.

Maybe they'll think he's Bigfoot.

-Maybe.

-What?!

Oh, no, no. I mean... Don't worry about it, Roy.

I'm sure it will reveal its weak link soon enough.

Besides, Bigfoot, or Sasquatch,

has never been documented out of North America.

So, how is Roy getting on at school, Mr Lucey?

KICK! Ow!

Um, my mum laughed at me

when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove PAST-A!

Hey-hey! As I drove past her! He's a genius.

-Pasta. Get it?

-Yeah.

ROY LAUGHS

HE BURPS

-Fascinating.

-You can put it in the bag, love.

I've been chasing them around the house all day.

Observation number 55.

Roy's hairballs are alive.

HAIRBALL SINGS

Hairball does not like fork. Survival instincts strong.

Smells of...

basil and garlic.

Possibly Mrs O'Brien's delicious pasta sauce.

Get recipe.

HOOVER WHIRS

Hairballs continue to be evasive.

I'm going to look like a mutant hairy bear

for the rest of my whole life.

I should have just been happy how I was.

Sure, it's all going to be OK, love.

That's where it was!

Ah!

-Ah, Roy.

-Oh, I was wondering where that went.

Mmm! Still good.

Don't worry, Roy.

I'll teach you how to style it so it looks as good as mine.

I'm surprised all my hair hasn't fallen out

listening to your brutal jokes.

Hey, my jokes are brilliant!

-Why did the banana go to the hospital?

-Oh...

Because he wasn't PEELING very well.

Because he wasn't peeling very well!

Ha-ha! Nice one, son. Hee-hee!

-You just don't understand good comedy.

-Exactly.

BECKY SHRIEKS

Becky?

My audition is in 30 minutes. I look ridiculous.

Oh, yeah.

I might have borrowed a bit of your fake tan. Oops.

Cartoon hair very defensive.

Also has quite good aim.

Have you thought of any solution to my...problem yet?

Um...

Not yet.

But if I keep observing, I'm sure a solution will present itself.

I'd better go. But I will be back first thing in the morning.

-Oh.

-Brilliant.

-Thank you for calling, Mr Lucey.

-Thank you.

-See you again.

-All the best, son. Good lad.

-Bye.

-Roy...

-Ha! I told you I didn't eat the last slice last night.

-Bill?

-Do you want it?

-That's yours?

-Bill.

-What?

-Don't even...

Uh-uh.

Ha! I got into that band,

despite you sabotaging my fake tan and saying I couldn't sing.

-Who's laughing now, hairball?

-But...how?

They loved my voice. We are going to be called The Pukes.

A grindcore screamo death metal band.

Ah! That explains it.

SHE SINGS OFF-KEY SCALES

-Morning.

-Mr O'Brien.

-You all right?

-Hiya.

-Cup of tea?

-Oh, I'd love one.

BECKY SCREECHES

Oh! What's going on? Is someone hurt?

That's just Becky singing in the shower.

HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH

Oh.

Eureka!

DOG HOWLS

We make Roy's hair stiff and brittle. When Becky hits that brutal note...

I think you mean BRILLIANT note.

When Becky hits that EXTRAORDINARY note,

Roy's hair will vibrate and shatter.

-So, how do we make Roy's hair brittle?

-Well, um...

What I've got is...

drenching him and then freezing him,

or covering him in hot toffee and letting it cool.

Both of which will kill him.

Yeah. That'd be a bummer.

Oh, if only there was a way to make hair stiff and brittle,

something I'm just... NIALL SQUIRTS TUBE

..not seeing.

What are you staring at?

Because you have just found the missing part to this hairy puzzle.

Me?

All right. There.

We re-routed my amp. She'll be a loud as a small jet.

That woman in the shop must have thought I was really vain

buying every tube of hair gel in the shop.

-You ARE really vain.

-True.

OK, switch your hairdryers to maximum.

A couple of seconds to make the gel turn hard. Make them count.

Locked and loaded.

OK, everybody into positions.

Roy, will you come in here? I have a surprise.

Er, Becks, can you come in instead, please? I have a tiny problem.

HAIRBALLS CHIRP

They've escaped from the bin bag.

I think my hair was expecting something.

It called the hairballs for reinforcements.

But why would your lovely, gorgeous hair suspect anything?

I'm just going to style it with really nice conditioning spray.

Come on.

Sit down.

OK, now!

Phase two!

Arm and fire!

ALL YELL

-Use the hairdryers to keep them back!

-There's too many of them!

We need enough time to make the gel hard!

Keep firing!

Use the hairdryer to get them off him!

Argh!

Arrghhh!

Good shooting, buddy.

Oh... Getting sticky.

I can't move.

Hey, it's working!

CLINK!

OK, phase three. Let's go.

THEY CACKLE

-They've unplugged the amp!

-I've got it!

Oh!

FEEDBACK WHINES Now!

SHE HOWLS

HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH

VERY HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH

Whoo-hoo! I'm bald!

Oh, and patchy.

Serves you right for taking my spray tan.

Back to the boring old me.

Yeah. Somehow I don't think you'll ever be boring, Roy.

And you know what? I could do with a couple of months of boring Roy.

Oh, Roy!

Mwah!