Roy's Quest ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is, he doesn't look very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in,

'but it's very hard to stay out of trouble when you're a cartoon.'

Roy!

Roy!

Roy!

Roy!

'Once again, Roy O'Brien's passion for gaming has landed him

'in trouble.'

Oh, please, sir. I promise I won't play it in class any more.

Grinning like a clown isn't doing you any favours, Roy.

This is a school, not a circus.

Despite certain unnamed individuals running it like one.

Now, get back to class and don't let me catch you

with this infernal game thingamajig again.

-Oh. I had one of those calendars last summer, sir.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Each X was for a day I didn't shower. I lasted a whole month.

Ugh!

ROY SNIFFS

Fair play, sir. Are you not showering either?

No. I mean yes!

Of course I shower!

Each X marks another day I've gone without chocolate.

And another day closer to my reward.

This is limited edition chocolate.

Made by the monks in Belgium.

They only make 100 of these bars each year.

And this is the first time I've managed to get my hands on one.

It's all about restraint, O'Brien.

The longer I wait, the more amazing this chocolate will taste.

In just three days from now,

I will have gone 150 days without chocolate.

And this will taste like...

..heaven.

Yeah, but, why not eat it now?

Maybe you should try restraint, O'Brien.

Learning to control your obsessions rather than be controlled

by them will be an excellent life lesson.

-Oh, please, sir. I'll go insane if I can't game at lunchtime!

-See?

Obsessed.

Woo-hoo! Dragon's Breath.

If we really work together, we might even finish the quest tonight.

Prepare to die, dragons!

Guys, mind if I join your guild?

I'm bored of taking on these orcs and trolls by myself.

Nah, it's just us lads.

Ha - you reckon girls can't game as good as boys?

Pretty much.

I bet I finish this game by myself before you lot are even close.

-Smell you later, losers.

-Tara, wait.

I think that might have been a bit harsh.

FOOTBALL PLAYS ON TV

What's Roy up to? We haven't seen him since we arrived.

DISTRACTED: Er, upstairs playing some game on his computer.

He should be out playing with friends

instead of sitting on his bum in front of a screen.

Yeah. Defo.

No-one listens any more.

It's all computers.

Puzzles, TV.

And blinking phones. You have all gone blinking mad with it.

Yeah. You're dead right.

You're dead... Go on, hit it.

Get in there! 1-0! Ha-ha!

Come on, love, let's go home.

We're almost there.

It's 2:30 in the morning.

If my parents find out I'm still awake at this hour,

-I'll be grounded for months.

-School's in a few hours.

Come on! We've been at this every night for a week now.

We're so close.

-Just one final push and we're there.

-Must...sleep.

Will sleep help us kill those battalions of swamp orcs?

Did sleep guide us through the dragon's lair? No!

Sleep is for the weak.

It's just a game. See you in school.

-It's supposed to be a laugh. Chill out.

-Chill out?

When I'm so close to finishing the quest? Never!

DOG BARKS

Oh, lovely!

That should keep me going.

ALARM CLOCK

Go away, stupid morning! I'm almost finished.

ALARM STOPS

Make spell engage. Die, orc!

Oh, no you don't, troll. Ha-ha!

This dragon slayer is too fast for that spell!

OK, Dragon, you've made your last piece of human toast.

Prepare to die!

Where's all my chocolate gone?

Roy!

Arrrggh! Attack!

Take that, vile trolls!

At last, the sword of destiny is mine! With shield of Morgot,

I am invincible!

I think you've a bit of a fever there, love.

-We're going to get you some medicine.

-Away, vile sorceress!

I'll have none of your potions!

-Roy O'B... Oh, you little...!

-You mistake me for someone else, troll.

-I am Roy of Helmsford, slayer of dragons.

-Classic!

-He actually thinks he's in Dragon's Breath.

-What?

It's an online game Roy's been playing all week with his guild.

Guild?!

It's like a gang of nerdy losers who play games together,

-all of Roy's mates, basically.

-Right, Roy, come on!

-Snap out of it.

-Snap out of what, chubby troll?

-Oh, you...

-Well, at least he recognises you, Da.

-The witch speaks.

Ha. He knows you too, doesn't he?

Sh! Roy, it's just a game, love, it's not real, now come on.

-Wake up for Ma.

-Now, now. It's no use, love.

It looks like he's stuck living in the game.

-Dr Rasheed?

-Yet again.

-We should ask him to move in here, shouldn't we?

-Yeah.

What manner of serpent is this, wizard? Stay away!

You see, he's been up all night playing that game thingy.

Hasn't slept for 24 hours.

OK. Let's step out in the hall.

ROY SNORES

Sorry about that snoring. He gets that from his mother.

Ha-ha(!)

OK. It seems that Roy's obsession with this game, coupled with

severe lack of sleep, has led to him having a serious break with reality.

-Oh, no, he just needs to sleep it off.

-No.

Well, it's a possibility

but I really think he's in too deep at this stage.

So what's the cure then, Doc?

Well, here's what I'm thinking - and bear with me.

I think the best thing for you guys to do would be to actually help

Roy to finish this Dragon's Breath quest game in real life.

And then hopefully he'll just snap back into reality.

We don't know how this whole game thing works.

-I'll start calling his friends. They'll know.

-Yes.

And quickly, Maura, because I'm concerned that, if Roy doesn't snap

out of this soon, he won't be able to get back to normal.

Right, let's get Roy home to sort this out

while he's still out for the count.

We've been a terrible example for Roy.

Wait a minute now,

how has Roy thinking he's a dragon slayer our fault?

There's no family time any more.

Everyone's obsessed with their own little things.

As soon as Roy is fixed,

-there's going to be some changes in this house.

-Here we go.

From now on, it'll be everybody at that dinner table together.

No games, phones or TV.

-And Sudoku?

-That's different. It's good for the brain.

-BOTH:

-Different!

-That's right.

-Yeah.

Now you keep an eye on Roy while we go and sort out this quest.

Today, Bill!

Lads, thanks so much for helping, we'd be lost without yous.

So, what part of the quest has Roy left to finish?

Er, well, it's complicated.

We haven't quite finished the quest yet.

-Niall said you were brilliant at the game.

-We ARE brilliant at the game.

We just haven't finished yet.

If you don't know how the game ends,

how are we supposed to recreate it in real life?

I can help you.

It's her.

I have finished the quest.

By myself.

THEY GASP

I can tell you what Roy needs to do to finish.

Great, what do we have to do?

Easy.

You have to help Roy back past swamp trolls,

defeat a dragon, decipher a cryptic map

that leads into the sorcerer's lair and destroy his golden wand.

This sounds like the perfect opportunity for the students

-to experience cross media social integration.

-Lovely.

Yes, the costumes can be made by the theatre management class,

the art class can make the dragon and the golden wand,

while the dance class can

choreograph and interpret the dragon parts.

It will be a vibrant symbiosis of interdepartmental talents

expressed in an improvised arena!

Great! Let's get started before Roy wakes.

-Are we invisible?

-I can't believe they ignored us again.

Lads, lads, what can we do to help Roy?

Uh, you're a bit too old for this kind of thing.

I suppose you can knit something for the costumes,

or bake scones for after.

-Cheeky so and so's.

-Someone needs to teach them some manners.

-So sorry, those two are thoughtless saps.

-Oh, it's all right, love.

Actually, I think

I may have a way where you can teach those two some manners.

Here, sit down and put these on.

Hammond, you old dog.

HE CHUCKLES

You make everything look good.

Yes, well, frankly, I find this whole thing absolutely ridiculous.

This is exactly the kind of nonsense that led

to the chaos in Roy's last school.

The entire day interrupted so that everyone can play dress-up

and make believe.

All for a cartoon boy to snap out of some fictional game.

It defies logic. And - ha-ha! - they wanted me to dress up as a wizard!

Well, I can only be stretched so far.

There is no way I am going to participate in this gross charade.

This'll end in disaster, you mark my words.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Da? It's me, Roy's woken up and he's attacking the washing machine.

-Hyah!

I don't know, he thinks it's an ice troll or something, what shall I do?

Prepare to die, vile beast!

-What do you mean, keep him occupied till you get back?

-Hyuh!

He thinks he's a dragon slayer!

-Hurry up.

-Hyah!

-"Use your imagination, Beck"(!)

Roy, I need your help.

There's baby dragons nesting in my room upstairs, will you save me?

You may have to tidy it and sort everything neatly to find them.

Of course! There's nowhere to hide, dragon spawn,

prepare to be destroyed!

Sucker.

GLASS SMASHES

A-ha. Your room is dragon-free, witch,

I have destroyed your nesting area.

You are safe now.

ROY!

Feel the wrath of my blade! Huh, yah!

Help me stall him for a few minutes, would you?

They're still going with the costumes.

-He's all yours.

-Right, Roy...

take it easy there, pal, yeah? Listen, I need your help, OK?

What do you want, troll?

Well, I'm having a bit of bother with those

blood-sucking elves out in the garden.

Blood-sucking elves?

Yeah, they're hiding in the grass, vicious little things they are.

I was just thinking, maybe you could go out there with your sword

and cut the grass, and then they'd have nowhere to hide.

A brilliant plan!

You're not as stupid as you look, troll.

"Roy the Dragon Slayer."

HE LAUGHS

HE SIGHS

Hyah!

Huh!

Ha-ha! Yuh!

LAWN MOWER NOISE

I've laid waste to your field, not a single blood-sucking elf in sight.

-Good lad.

-Oh, and I fed your ugly steed.

You what?

-Nice job, Roy the Dragon Slayer, nice job.

-You're welcome.

-I find you less offensive than most trolls.

-Thanks very much.

ROY SNIFFS

Even if you do smell worse.

ON SCREEN: This is brilliant fun.

Concentrate, nearly got killed by that wizard.

Do I cast a sleep spell on the orc?

No, no, use the axe, it's a level six orc,

your sleep spell is blinking useless!

Think you lot are ready to help me take Niall down.

OK, let's see those costumes!

Ha-ha! Well, you look great as a sorceress. Listen, that's for you.

You don't think this is a little bit, ahem, girly, do you?

We deliberately avoided any costume stereotypes

that might reinforce patriarchal roles.

Right, course, yeah.

-MUFFLED:

-I look widiculous as a wabbit.

Stop laughing, your fat is jiggling.

GRUNTING

This is great! Dwarves are brilliant!

OK, I'll meet you back at the school.

Everything is set, Niall and Sean are dressed as swamp orcs

and waiting in the school yard, the dragon is prepared

and I'll be hiding in the caretaker's closet

with the golden wand.

-Break a leg, everybody!

-Let's do this!

SHE GRUNTS AND GROANS

Yi-a-yi-a-yi... A girl seeks a mighty dragon slayer.

Are you the man they call "Roy"?

I am. Speak, dwarf.

We need your help with our quest.

A quest, you say?

Indeed, we must destroy the swamp orcs, and slay the vile dragon,

and decipher the map that will lead us to the sorcerer's golden wand.

It must be destroyed at all costs,

or the land will fall into eternal darkens!

I, Roy, Slayer of Dragons, will join your quest.

Orcs, dragons and sorcerers shall tremble in their boots.

-Or whatever orcs and dragons wear on their feet.

-Know what?

This might actually work.

Go on.

You will never defeat us, Roy!

Yeah, swamp orcs rule, dragon slayers suck!

LAUGHTER

Oh-ho, this is classic! Look at those freaks!

Death to swamp orcs, arghhhh!

BOYS: Ahhhh!

-What do we do?

-Follow Roy's lead, come on.

EPIC QUEST MUSIC

Well, well done, Roy, you cleared the badlands of the swamp orcs.

-Good riddance.

-Now you must defeat...the dragon!

Raargh!

Dragon! Hyah! Ho-ho, ha!

Yeah! Hyaaah!

RUMBLING

Take that! You are no match for the mighty Roy, fiery beast!

Don't let me catch you around here again!

-BECKY:

-The dwagon is vanquished.

-What?

-The dawgon is vanquished!

Vanquished? Yeah, yeah.

-Be careful, good lady, there be dragons around.

-But I am a dragon!

Don't listen to those scoundrels, you may not be pretty,

but you are no dragon.

Not pretty?!

What's next on this quest?

Somewhere inside this foul castle lies a sorcerer, and his golden wand

must be destroyed. I have the map.

-Go on!

-Woo!

Have to find a spell to clear the way.

Not again?

Ah-ha, garlic spell!

-Get out of there.

-Huh!

Ah...ah...my eyes.

My eyes!

Ooh, sausages.

COMPUTER GAME JINGLE

Agh!

PUPILS GROAN AND SCREAM

"Sorcerer's lair & golden wand this way!"

A-ha, very clever, sorcerer. But no-one fools Roy!

ENGINE THRUSTS AND TYRES SCREECH

There's nowhere to hide, sorcerer. I will destroy that golden wand!

A-ha, the gatekeeper.

Give me the keys to the sorcerer's lair - or face my wrath!

What? Hey, what are you doing?

At last, the golden wand. The quest is almost at an end.

What are you doing with my...

-GOLLUM VOICE:

-..precious chocolate?!

You'll never stop me, sorcerer!

-Agh!

-Drat!

Come back with my chocolate!

Sorry, Derek.

Yeah, I know, it's not the best look for me. Where's Roy?

He...there...

-He's got...MY CHOCOLATE!

-Come on!

-Ugh!

-Let's go!

Waagh!

I, Roy, Slayer of Dragons,

shall destroy the sorcerer's golden wand in the Waterfall of Destiny.

-SLOW MOTION:

-Nooooo!

My precious!

It's gone! My heavenly chocolate is gone!

There is someone worse than me with chocolate, heh.

Roy? COMEDY SOUND EFFECTS

What happened? Why are you all dressed like idiots?

-Hey, Roy's back.

-Oh, Roy.

Goodbye, sweetness.

Hello? Anyone?

This game's driving me nuts. Wish Tara was here.

Thought you said girls couldn't game?

Still trying to finish Dragon's Breath, I see.

Yeah, look, we talked it over amongst ourselves

and we agreed to let you join our guild.

Oh, lovely, thanks. But I have my own guild now.

Huh?

Guild, attack!

BLASTS AND ZAPS

What's happening?!

-We're being ambushed!

-I can't hold them back!

-Virtual high-five!

-Ha-ha, Sean and Niall totally got whacked.

You should take up knitting instead, lads.

What kind of fool puts a knife spell on a goblin? Catch you noobs later.

Noooo!

Best guild ever.

Right.

From now on, everything in moderation.

Roy, you can game for 30 minutes a night.

Yeah, I'm sticking to comics for a while.

-Becky, you're allowed only five texts a night.

-What? That's so unfair.

-He gets 30 minutes, I should get 30 texts.

-Your ma is right, Becky.

-And you, sweetpea...

-Yep.

-..can only watch the match on Sundays.

Wait, no, that's...unfair.

-No more Soduko puzzles for you.

-What? Ah, here...

-Fine. No more Soduko.

-Promise?

ALL: Promise.

SHE SNORES

Ugh.

Ha-ha.

Match time.

Where's the flipping remote?

What? Where's the battery gone?