The Roy Trap ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is, he doesn't LOOK very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

Roy!

ROY!

He-he!

'It's a peaceful night in Sandyford,

'but it's anything but rosy in the O'Brien household.'

RAISED VOICES ARGUE

Ma and Da have been arguing for...

..eight nights now...

..and I think it's all because of me.

I got in a bit of trouble recently in school,

but I don't think that was my fault.

My homework?

Aw, I think I left it in Mr Lucey's class.

Well, what are you waiting for, Roy?

GO AND GET IT!

Way ahead of you, sir.

BANG! CRASH!

-SLAP!

-Ah!

LAUGHTER

ALARM RINGS

RO-OOOY!

Why did you set it off, son?

Was there an exam you were trying to get out of?

It was an accident!

Bill, this isn't funny.

Every time I get called up to this school

because of one of Roy's escapades, I have to get time off work.

Which is a good thing.

Bill, will you be serious?

We... We will see you now.

Once again, your cartoon antics have got you in trouble.

-ASSISTANT: Take a seat.

-Derek.

Mr O'Brien.

Excuse us.

SHOUTING

Ever since that day,

Ma and Da have been heading out in the evenings

and when they come back,

-after me and Becky have gone to bed...

-I never asked to...

..the fighting starts.

-I was never in trouble with the police, not me.

-But watch this.

-I'm a good girl...

-Sh!

-..I am!

Ah, yeah, no, no, no.

I was just saying, Maura, that that article is brilliant.

-You should read that when I'm finished.

-Upside down.

How are you, son, you all right?

What's going on?

-Wha-wha-what do you mean, what's going on?

-Are you arguing?

-What arguing?

-We're not arguing.

-No!

-Never!

-No!

-Now go on up to bed.

Becky, can we talk?

Becky! Can we talk?

What is it?

Can you not hear them fighting?

Who?

Our parents, of course.

What are you talking about? You must be hearing things.

Is she right?

Am I hearing things?

POP MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH EARPHONES

MUM SHOUTS: No, I don't want no gold and no diamonds!

Please let there be something wrong with my hearing.

OK, guys.

Go.

CRUNCHING

Eating a crisp.

What flavour crisp?

Cheese and onion.

Correct.

THUMP

Bouncing a basketball.

Correct.

BOOMING

-Niall banging on the bodhran!

-Excellent!

FAINT TAP

A pin dropping!

That's amazing!

There's definitely nothing wrong with your hearing, Roy.

Why would Becky say that?

MR HAMMOND: What's going on?!

What's with all this bodhran banging?!

Off to class with the lot of you!

Roy, a word, please.

Yes, sir.

How...

are your parents doing, Roy?

My parents?

I'm afraid...

it just isn't working.

What?

Honestly?

I think it's your father's fault.

Sir?!

All right, it won't be long before everyone in town

will be talking about them.

That's what happens with these things, Roy.

Thunderstorms result from the rapid upward movement of warm, moist air.

Now, some younger children can be afraid of thunder.

THUNDER RUMBLES AND CRASHES

HE YELPS

Sorry, sir, that was me.

That's OK, Roy.

Just, er, caught me unawares, there.

Doofus, sitting near a radiator.

Thunderstorms happen in warm, moist air masses.

Oh, very, very good, Deco, yep.

Wouldn't there also be lightning?

-LIGHTNING CRASHES

-Ai, oh! Oh!

Oh, ho, ho!

Ah...

That wasn't quite part of my teacher trai...

LIGHTNING SPARKS AND CLASS GASPS

Er...

Th-th-th...

Well, that's as good a place as any to stop for the day.

I'll...

..see you tomorrow. Nng-ng-ng.

BUZZING AND SPARKING You OK, Roy?

Abby, can I talk to you?

Sure.

In private.

Roy, I can't help you if you don't tell me what your problem is.

Is it about your breath?

No! What's wrong with my breath!

It smells like cheese and onion crisps.

HE BREATHES AND SNIFFS

Yeah, you're right!

Mmm...

crisps.

No, it's not about my breath.

Well, why are you asking me?

It's about my parents.

Why?

-Do you think your parents are splitting up?

-Don't say that!

They've been fighting a lot.

Ah, sorry, Roy.

But that doesn't mean anything, right?

I dunno.

Have they started acting weird?

No more than usual.

Well, just beware if a "family meeting" is ever called.

It's almost always bad news.

I see.

My parents argued for years.

Yours aren't like that, are they?

No,

but they have been arguing for nine nights now.

Nine nights!

That's nothing. I'm sure it will be OK.

Thanks, Abby.

HEATED CONVERSATION

Ah, hi, Ma. Hi, Da. Come on in.

-Hiya, Da.

-Hello, love.

They're in here. Look who's come to babysit, lads.

-Hello, kids.

-Hi, kids.

BECKY: Hi, Grandad, hi, Granny.

-How are you, folks?

-Ooh!

-Da, what are you wearing?

-What?

-I think you look very swish.

-Thank you, Rose.

-I was going for swanky but that will do.

-What?

'Have they started acting weird?'

Where are you going? A fancy restaurant?

With him? Not likely.

BECKY: What are you doing? MUM: Never you mind.

DAD: We'll be back by eight o'clock.

And we are going to have that family meeting then.

- Oh, yeah, see you later. - Bye!

'And beware if a family meeting is ever called.

'It's almost always bad news.'

We need to talk.

Running around.

-Not a care in the world.

-Yeah.

You say it.

No. You say it.

They're hiding something!

And that something is that they're going to separate!

-There could be another explanation.

-Like what?

There is no other explanation!

You spend your life being wrong about things.

Please don't be right about this!

You agree?!

-Oh, no!

-HIS TEETH CHATTER

Why do couples fight?

-I don't know, lots of reasons.

-Think!

Sometimes, when people start going out,

it's all fun and then after a week it gets really dull and boring.

PING!

That's it!

Maybe they've just forgotten why they fell in love.

OK.

We just have to remind them

and then everything's going to be OK.

Easy peasy. Let's do this!

DO IT AGAIN!

We'll will keep doing it until you get it right.

My dear, you...

My dear, you sound like a drowning sewer rat,

strangling the English language, with all your flat Ts and...and...

-Er, what's the line?

-Oh, for goodness' sake!

No, no, no, no!

We open tomorrow night!

You don't even know your lines, man!

Well, you know what, there's just so many of them!

Look, this-this just isn't working.

-Bill. Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill...

-Yes, Derek.

I have a new part for your unique talents.

What is it?

It's...a tree.

Now, it's not just any ordinary tree.

It's a horse chestnut tree.

Well, listen, if it's a horse chestnut... I'm not play a tree!

Well, it's either that or nothing

because I'm not having ruining my play with your wooden acting.

-Well, if that's the choice, Derek, I quit!

-Fine!

-Maura, come on.

-No!

-Without Bill, there's no play.

-Thank you.

-Not necessarily.

-Well, who will play Henry Higgins?

I will.

I WILL!

ALL: You?!

SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

-Oh, no!

-Roy, you told me you did home ec!

I never said I was any good at it!

Ma and Da will be home soon!

Help!

-Ah, there you are.

-What's going on here?

-Your children have planned a very special evening.

-Enjoy!

Aw, thanks, love. Thanks for looking after them, Da.

-Not at all, love.

-Thanks, Petey.

-Good luck, son.

- God bless, see you son. - Aw, Bill, look!

The menu from "Get Stuffed", where we got engaged.

Awwww.

You guys...

Table for two?

- Oh, merci beaucoup. - Thanks son, good man.

- Aww! - That's great.

We know what's been going on recently.

You do?

Yeah, Da, you're not very good at keeping it a secret.

Well, I guess this means we can cancel our family meeting.

We were going to come clean tonight but there's no need.

We're not going through with it. It's in the past.

Allow me.

Roy... ALL: Roy!

Sorry!

Come on, before you do any more damage.

The food will be right up.

- Lovely, thanks. - Thank you.

I'm still going to do it. The play.

And what about some loyalty towards your husband?

- Stop it, it's just a bit of fun. - Not to me it's not!

You didn't want to be in the play in the first place.

Now you've had your wish, Bill.

MUFFLED RAISED VOICES

CLANG!

Roy, you eejit!

They're fighting again! Listen!

It's the story of our lives, Bill.

THEY ARGUE

I'm sorry that I got involved in it at all!

You know what, Bill? You and me both!

-Yeah, well then there's two of us in it.

-Oh, is there?

For once in your life, there's two of us in it.

I'm glad. I'm very glad.

Get stuffed, Bill.

So much for a romantic evening.

Maybe it will be OK in the morning.

Could happen.

Da?

Morning, son.

Did you sleep down here?

Ah, your Ma was snoring again.

No, I was not, Roy.

Aw, stop fighting!

-Where are you going?

-School!

Aw, Roy...

He's right, you know.

Look, if you want to go and do the play,

you go and do it, OK? I may have overreacted.

Aw, thanks.

It would be a waste after all my hard work.

And you're very good up there, by the way.

Thanks.

Come on.

Oh, where are we going?

-I've made you a tree costume.

-I'm not going to be a tree.

-I told you.

-OK.

-What about a bush?

-Go on, you go on and do your practising.

-Or a grassy stump?

-Go!

Bye-bye!

You OK, Roy?

-It got worse.

-Your parents fighting?

I didn't tell Becky, but I saw my ma here yesterday.

Maybe it's my fault.

Stop that right now!

When my parents split up, my sister and I blamed ourselves,

but we shouldn't have. It's never, ever the kids' fault.

Even if you're a cartoon boy?

Even if you're a cartoon boy.

My parents were unhappy for years before they split up.

Now things are much better and they get on very well together.

That's good.

So...why did your parents split up?

This stays between us, right?

Absolutely.

My mum fell in love with someone else.

Really?

What if the reason my parents are fighting

is because my ma fell in love with someone else?

'How...are your parents doing, Roy?'

-You think your mum and Hammond are...

-Roy!

How is your mother?

I'm going to buy her some flowers and I was just wondering

if you knew what her favourites were.

WOOSH!

THEY SNORT AND GUFFAW

Time for some homework.

I've already done it!

Well, then, I'll give you some more!

Er, sir.

Yes, son?

Can I go to the toilet, sir?

"May I go to the toilet, Dad?"

May I go to the toilet, Dad?

LAUGHTER

KIDS CHANT: Daddy's boy, daddy's boy!

See you later, daddy's boy.

What am I going to do?!

You're going to have to talk to your parents about this.

Ah, Roy. The flowers?

Agghhhh!

What's up with him?

I hope you're happy with yourself!

Wha..?!

What?!

Hammond?! This is getting worse and worse.

We have to talk to them.

You go and text me what happens.

-Come on!

-I don't want to, Roy!

If I hear them say it then it means it's true!

Hey, guys.

We need to talk.

Yeah, later, love, I have to go and get ready.

-Off to see Mr Hammond?

-Yeah, what's wrong with that?

-And you're OK with this, Dad?

-Hmm?

Ah, well, I mean, I was upset at first,

but now I've got used to it, you know?

What's going on, Roy?!

Ma, I don't want you to go.

Can we just go back to the way things were before this happened?

What's got into you, son?

I don't want you to marry Hammond.

THEY CHUCKLE

"Marry Hammond"?

What on Earth gave you that idea?

Just give me another chance and I promise I'll be

the best cartoon ever and I won't get into any trouble.

Me neither. I won't borrow your make-up

and I won't delete your programmes from the digital box!

We'll be on our best behaviour, if you promise not to break up.

Look, you have nothing to worry... Hang on a second!

-You've been deleting my programmes off the digital box!?

-Bill!

What on Earth gave you the idea that we were going to break up?

You've been fighting ever since that time you were called into school.

Yeah! Don't deny it.

Me and Roy hear you when we go to bed.

We weren't fighting. We were rehearsing.

-For the play that's on tonight!

-We thought you knew!

-You mean you're not splitting up?

-Never!

-Never ever!

-And you two monkeys are perfect just the way you are.

-Right, come on.

Bring it in.

Family hug. Come on, son.

-Here you go, come on, Becky.

-Just one.

There you go, that's it.

Wait, why does Hammo want to buy you flowers?

It's a tradition for a director

to buy his leading lady flowers on opening night.

Which reminds me, I better get going.

-Do you want me to help you get ready?

-Yeah, thanks, love.

-Shouldn't you be getting ready too, Da?

-Hmm?

-Oh, no, I'm not in it any more, son. No, no, I quit.

-Why?

-Er, creative differences.

-Oh, so who's the leading man?

-Mr Hammond.

-I see.

Mr Hammond! Aw, grand(!)

I thought this was a romantic play with kissing and all.

It is. Why?

So you mean Ma is going to be kissing Hammo on stage?

Well, she won't be kissing him for real, she's only going to be acting.

In front of everyone?

Da! We can't let this happen! I'll never live it down!

You're overreacting, son.

But what if Hammond is using it as a chance to steal Ma away from you.

She'd never choose him over me...

-Would she?

-We have to act and act fast.

Right, what are we going to do?

Act!

I'm going to turn you into the best actor the world's ever seen!

In a couple of hours?

Or at least good enough to take the stage tonight.

Happy!

I've got it! I got the golden ticket!

Mean.

You are a toy! You are an action figure!

Confused!

Oh, I think that's too big to be a spaceship.

Er, devious!

-MENACING VOICE:

-Oh, my precious!

Scared.

-HIGH VOICE:

-I don't think we're in Kansas any more.

Great! I think you're ready.

Brilliant.

That's great, thanks for that, son. Listen, one small thing,

I probably should have mentioned it earlier, but, er...

I don't know my lines.

All right, there you go! That's a load off my mind.

You what?!

-Why didn't you say something?!

-Well, I just did.

-Earlier!

-I forgot.

-You forgot?!

Right. Leave it with me.

I'll think of something...

You forgot...

PING!

I've got an idea.

I'll meet you at the school at 19:00 hours.

Brilliant. See you at 9.

-7pm.

-Hmm? Yeah, 7, OK.

ROY GULPS

Welcome to Operation Stop Hammo From Kissing My Ma

or...

OSHFKMM for short.

OSHFKMM?

Catchy.

The plan is so simple.

It's foolproof.

Step one - Tara and Abby,

lock Mr Hammond in his office until the play is over.

-BOTH: What?!

-Why do we get the hard job?

That's all right, we can do it. Come on, Abby.

Did you bring it?

Microphone.

Earpiece.

Enter!

Hi, sir.

Hi, Mr Hammond!

I'm very busy right now, girls. What is it?

Are you nervous about the play tonight?

Nervous?

Well, a few butterflies are good for one, I suppose.

HE SNORTS

Do you do any vocal exercises?

Why, I hadn't really got around to them yet.

I like, er,

a few old tongue-twisters myself.

Tongue-twisters?

Yes, you know,

she sells sea shells on the sh-eashore

but seashells sheshells-sheshells are sea shells no more.

-Or another good one might be, erm...

-SHE SNEEZES

Bless you!

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

Peter Piper picked a pippa pickle-pick-p-pepper.

Years of practice.

-Well, good luck, Mr Hammond.

-Break a leg!

Ah...

Thank you, girls!

How nice.

Good job.

Thanks for all your help, everyone.

Especially you.

To think all of this could have been avoided

if you looked at the notice board once in a while.

That's true.

DOOR HANDLE RATTLES

Is anybody there! I've been locked in!

Guys, you know what to do.

Roger that, Squiggles.

Roger.

Do you think Squiggles is the best code name?

There's no time for that, the play is about to start.

Come on!

Hello, how are you?

There's a lot of people out there.

Maybe Hammond should do this.

I just spoke to Hammo, he wants you to do it.

Right.

And how's this thing going to work?

You put the earpiece in your ear

and then I prompt you the lines throughout the play.

Genius!

Bill? What are you doing backstage?

Hammond gave me a second chance.

Aw, that's great, love! Where is Hammond?

Aw...you two up to something?

I don't know what you're talking about.

-SHOUTING:

-That works great!

-What works great?

-Hmm?

Your, er, your costume works great.

IN COCKNEY ACCENT: Ah, well, thank you, sir.

Where is Hammond?

He's watching the play with the audience.

Directors like to do that.

Right. Come on.

Hi.

-Ow!

-Sorry.

That was my foot!

Ow!

-That was my other foot!

-Sorry.

Pickering, I wager

I can get her to pass for a duchess at the ambassador's garden party.

Pickering, I wager

I can get her to pass as a duchess at the ambassador's garden party.

By Jove, I do believe I'll take that wager, Higgins.

Oh, you're a terrible man, you are, making fun of a poor girl!

ROY SPEAKS INTO DAD'S EARPIECE

Confound it, if you don't... If you don't like this,

then it's back to the streets with you!

SHE SHRIEKS

He's trying to find his key, will I tell Roy?

I mean, Squiggles?

He said not to disturb him, unless it's an emergency.

You did it old boy! You actually did it!

HE PANTS

Aw!

Code blue! Code blue!

Oh, no! Code blue!

Oh, no! Code blue!

LOUDLY: Oh, Professor Higgins!

ASIDE: Bill, what are you talking about?

-Stop him!

-Stop him!

Argh!

AUDIENCE GASPS

BANGING AND CRASHING

-AUDIENCE GASPS

-I'm so sorry!

Get off me, O'Brien!

What's going on?!

Give me a chance! I can explain!

Give me a chance! I can explain!

I just wanted to have a chance to make everything all right.

Oh, what are you talking about?

-What is this? QUIETLY:

-It was Roy's idea.

I'm sorry, sir. I didn't want my ma to kiss you.

I just wanted to see her kiss my da.

That way I'll know everything's OK with them.

You'll always be my leading man.

You're in so much trouble O'Br...

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Sir?

-Not now!

-Come on, Mr Hammond! Come on!

Your audience awaits you.

Our wonderful director...

AUDIENCE CHEERS

..Mr Derek Hammond!