Be Careful What You Wish For! ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'the only trouble is, he doesn't LOOK very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

R-o-o-o-y!

ROY!

He-he!

'Today is no ordinary day at Sandyford Progressive Learning.

'Roy's school is about to be turned upside down.'

How do you read that? It's not exactly a page turner.

Ah, Teaching Weekly. Someday they'll write about me in that.

Oooh! Teacher of the Month. Mr Lightjoy - Blackboard Rebel!

Listen to this. "I want to change the school system from within.

"The old ways of teaching are dead. We must rebel.

"Progressive schools are the way forward."

Imagine if we had someone like that working here.

We could work wonders together.

Yes, well, some of us have to actually teach.

He seems like a bit of a poser.

'Mr Lucey has taken charge of Roy's art class for the morning.'

So once we have moved beyond the paint applications stage,

we will start, er, utilizing the, er, focal er...er wigs.

Hey, lads, check this out.

-It's Hammo!

-Class!

-It won't stick!

-It won't stick? Er, OK, right.

OK, Newton's first law states that every object will remain at rest

unless compelled to change its state by the action of an external force.

Er.... meaning?

I think we need Roy.

Ready, Roy?

Ready.

Extra strong glue applied?

-Extra strong glue applied.

-All right.

Now we need you to use all your force to get THAT wig

onto THAT head.

Drum roll, please.

THEY GIVE HIM A DRUM ROLL

-Erm....where's the wig?

-I don't know!

THEY GASP

KIDS LAUGH

R-o-o-o-y!

-What happened?

-He happened, again!

It was an accident, surely.

This is the 15th accident this month!

I will not take this lying down, or standing up!

I am not some sort of clown!

I WILL be taken seriously!

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!

The nerve!

Right. That's it! I quit!

Maybe you should try Mr Perfect Pants from Teaching Weekly Magazine.

CHEERING

-ALL:

-Roy! Roy! Roy! Roy!

Roy! Roy! Roy! Roy!

'Ms Jervis eagerly awaits Mr Lightjoy for his interview.

'Will he replace Mr Hammond?'

Oh, come in.

Mr Lightjoy.

Oh, please, call me Jane.

'm sorry, Jane, I don't shake hands.

-It's a sign of one person's dominance over another.

-Right.

I prefer to rub noses like the Fijians.

Please. (Wow!)

I learned that while teaching underprivileged kids in Polynesia.

Oh...

Oh, yes, right.

So, I see here your first name is...Josephine.

Oh, Josephine Lightjoy? Well, that is an unusual first name.

My parents called me Patrick, but I changed it as soon as I could.

I don't believe in gender stereotyping people with names.

Wow.

But most people call me by my tribal Native American name,

Golden Cloud.

Golden Cloud Lightjoy?

It was given to me after my time working as a volunteer teacher

with the wonderful Cherokee nation.

Good people, good times.

You're perfect...for this school.

Yes, you're perfect for this school.

Exactly what it needs.

You know what, I'm feeling the vibes as well. It's good.

# Good vibes, makin' my day... #

He has two heads. And six arms.

No-one could be worse than Hammo.

-Yeah!

-True!

Hey.

I'm Lightjoy.

I don't do 'mister.'

Homework is dead.

Er, is this a trick?

Whoa! A cartoon dude. I love this school already!

That's a seriously cool look you have there, er...?

Roy!

No tricks, Roy. No homework, no boring stuff.

We're just going to study whatever fascinates us.

But, hey, you know, if you're not feeling the vibe, that's cool.

I'm out of here.

But I'm sure you're going to make me feel welcome here, yeah?

-ALL:

-Yeah...

Yeah?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

-IMITATING LIGHTJOY:

-I massage dolphins. I know Icelandic.

I'm Mr Lightjoy. I'm the best teacher in the whole world.

Everyone's so welcoming.

And I get to teach a cartoon boy.

You don't get more progressive than that.

Ah! You must be the famous Mr Lucey.

Wow, you look super tense, man!

You need to try some yoga.

Ugh, gluten!

Not good, my man.

You should listen to him. Did you know Mr Lightjoy

massaged sick baby dolphins in Splash City? Wow!

I learned more from them baby dolphins in a week,

than I learnt in all of university.

Rice cakes?! Where are the chocolate biccies?

Threw them out. This school is now sugar free.

You'll thank me later, my man, and so will your colon.

Oh, "colon!"

These are your new chairs.

-Really?

-Sit.

Oh! I think I'll stand.

Desks and chairs are corporate anchors,

tying young minds tied to old ideas.

Anybody got any comic books, video games?

Oh, yeah! Me, sir!

Magnifico Man, The Fabulous Four and a Half.

Yeah.

Oh, and you should read this one, Sir - Snot Boy And Unicorn Girl.

Right, put them in the box.

You'll get them back during your holidays.

Comics and video games promote violence.

But Snot Boy And Unicorn Girl only use their powers for good. Look!

Here's a list of approved TV shows you can watch.

The News.

History shows, and Mr Boopy's Happy Time?

These are for four year olds!

Mr Boopy is super positive.

And I bet you didn't know I wrote the theme tune.

# Happy, happy, happy sunshine

# Shining down on me

# Hello, Mr Sunshine, from all the birds and bees.

# Happy, happy, happy, happy happy, happy sunshine

# Shining down on m-e-e-e

# Boopy! #

What in the name?!

SHE JUMPS

The kids need to claim back the school environment as their own.

Only then can they progress.

Progress me bum! Who is going to clean up all this mess?

No-one. It's art.

Lightjoy just banned make-up and lip gloss.

Abby and Sophie are about to start a full-scale riot.

Well, it's all in the name of progress... What?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he just replaced the coffee with Dandelion root tea.

-Says it's good for our creative flow.

-Oh.

Hm! All in the name of progress, though.

Yummy.

Ugh!

Oh, paper clips, paper clips...

Agh!

I'm trapped! Help! Anyone! Hello! Help!

Oh, Deco.

Pick up these filthy rubber bands

and take them very, very far away.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, ever since I was a young child, I've had a fear of rubber bands.

-Er, here's...

-Oh!

Take them away!

No probs, sir.

And, I'm lovin' what you're doing with the place.

Top stuff.

Haha! A full haul. I can get away with anything.

I just tell Lightjoy I'm doing experimental theatre.

He's such a pushover, he makes Jervis seem like Hammond.

Do you know what?

Lightjoy's the best thing that ever happened to us.

These are our hallways now! We're kings!

HE LAUGHS

What have you done, Jane?

-What happened to you?

-Oh, Deco. You?

-Fagan! Water balloons.

This place is falling apart.

HE GASPS

I think I miss Hammond!

-It's not that bad, surely, is it?

-It's gone mad around here, Miss.

We're sitting on bouncy balls and meditating.

We've learned nothing.

-I even miss maths!

-Right.

Well, maybe we just need a little time to see the benefit

-of Mr Lightjoy's changes?

-Can't we have Mr Hammond back?

Roy, I can't just get rid of Mr Lightjoy.

-So, you want Hammond back too?

-Yes. I mean, no. Yeah... What?

I'll take that as a maybe.

Roy, it's not so simple.

Say no more, Miss!

No, Roy! That's not what I meant.

Ugh, I give up.

Maybe Roy's right?

Oh, no.

Please don't tell me I miss Mr Hammond!

-Mr Hammond!

-YOU!

I'm s-o-o glad to see you! How are you?

I'm...er...great. Fantastic, actually.

Yes, er, leaving school was the best thing I ever did.

Oh.

Yes, I've time to finish my novel, One Man And His Cheese.

Oh, and I've been submitting my poetry to magazines.

Plus I've been seeing all of my friends.

My social calendar is full.

OK. Well, I'm glad to see you're happy...I suppose.

Yup. Happy.

-Sir.

-Hm?

I miss you.

Bye, Roy. Bye.

Oh, I've lost everything.

I can't believe it.

I even miss Roy.

HE CRIES

This is all my fault. I have to get Hammond back!

It was terrible. He was crying.

And he looked awful, and he smelled funny, too.

Ew! Well, even if Mr Hammond wasn't sad

I'd still help you.

We just have to get rid of Lightjoy.

No-one messes with my lip gloss.

I'm in.

But how?

He said he'll leave if it didn't work out.

So, we just make sure he's not welcome?

Annoy him. Ruin his vibe.

Anything to avoid another meditation class.

Meditation! That's it!

Niall, do you still have that Brutal Screaming Mammoth album?

Yeah, here.

Thanks.

Whoa!

LOUD GUITAR MUSIC

Yup, that's the business.

Can you burn a CD of it?

Oh, deadly. Let's go.

We've got trouble.

You're just imagining it, Paul.

There's nothing going on between Jane and Lightjoy.

Besides...

Besides you're just as handsome and talented as he is.

All right.

Oh!

Lightjoy!

-Just there.

-Oh, just...

-Let...

-No, no, I'm OK.

I can do it myself, thank you.

-Spinach.

-Uh-huh. So, er...

So far, how's the school been working out for you?

I haven't felt this welcome

since the time I rescued the Chief's son in Borneo...

Do you not think that things have been moving

a little too fast around here?

No, Jane. It's all good in the hood!

It's all cool in the school.

How am I going to get rid of him?

Lightjoy's after re-writing all my recipes. Even the veggie risotto!

Now everything tastes like a mouldy old sock!

Do you know, I can't believe I'm going to say this but...

Yeah, I miss Hammond, too.

Sorry, ladies, but we couldn't help but overhear.

Have you heard of Operation Get Rid Of Lightjoy?

So...

a little birdie tells me you're planning to get rid of Mr Lightjoy.

-What?! Er, no. I mean...

-I'm in.

Keep me posted.

OK. Let's start the class with our meditation.

Er, sir. I have a CD.

I made it especially for the meditation.

How wonderful.

(Brutal Screaming Mammoth, do your worst!)

SOFT MUSIC

What?

Oh, this is perfect, Roy! What is it?

"For Mr Lightjoy. Our favourite teacher ever. Keep being you!"

I'm so glad I moved to this school.

I wasn't sure I'd stay but this seals it.

I'm staying forever.

CLASS GROAN

Forget it, Roy.

-You'll never get rid of Lightjoy while I'm around!

-Oh!

Hey! What's this stuff?

Oh, they're just... They're just my Maths Star of the Month award.

Miss Jervis wouldn't allow trophies,

so Mr Hammond made these stars.

And I've won the last seven months!

What are you doing?

Awards mean winning. There's no winners or losers in learning.

But I studied harder than anyone!

I got 99.99% in all my tests and I...I got...I...ugh...

There's no I in team, Deco.

But there is an M and there's an E.

Ugh. Stop!

Count...count...count me in. Lightjoy's gotta go.

Meh, OK.

And I know his one weakness.

Elastic bands?

-OK, what's the big plan?

-Are we kidnapping him?

And locking him in the car boot? Brilliant idea, Roy!

We can knock him out with this!

SHE LAUGHS

Even better, this time Lightjoy is going to know for sure

that he's not wanted here.

"Give us back our comics!" "Free Snot Boy and Unicorn Girl!"

We're going to put these all over his windshield. I made 50.

That's it?

That's your brilliant plan to get rid of Lightjoy?

Don't be stupid.

Ugh, it's sticky!

"PS Go away, Lightjoy!

"You're a poo poo head!"

For the side windows.

-There's no way he'll stay after reading that.

-What age are you, six?

Wait. What happened to the elastic band plan?

Ugh! This is way better.

-Roy, you can't put these on the windshield.

-Why?

Because this isn't his car. That is.

We're busted!

It's Ms Jervis!

Hide!

Oh, I can't see!

Whoa!

"PS Go away, Lightjoy!

"You're a poo poo head!"

Roy O'Brien, how could you?

-I am so disappointed in you.

-I'm sorry, miss.

Ah, it's Mr Lightjoy you should be apologising to.

And you need to fetch his keys from the drain, while you're at it.

I'm sorry, sir.

It's just I didn't want Hammond to leave

and you're not a poo poo head!

It's OK, Roy.

Besides, Poo Poo Head is a famous Aztec King, so...

Yeah, so, I'll just...

Elastic Band Man! Ugh, ah!

Get away from me you bendy, stretchy freak!

Mr Lightjoy! Nobody in this school is a freak!

I know, I know. This goes against everything I am.

It's just he's so bendy and stretchy

-like an elastic band.

-OK, Mr Lightjoy,

I think we need to chill out and get you a camomile tea.

No, Jane, you can't talk me out of it - I'm leaving.

What! Because of Roy? No, that's just him, giving you the keys.

No, Jane! This is unforgiveable. I'm ashamed of my behaviour.

I'll send you a postcard from India.

I've a lot of work to do on myself.

Thank you, Roy, for showing me that, I am not perfect.

Yet.

Konuchi huga...

shu!

All right, nothing to see here. Get back to class!

# Goodbye, Jane. #

# Goodbye, Josephine. # Goodbye, Josephine.

EXCITED LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Yes!

ALL: Roy! Roy! Roy! Roy!

Roy! Roy! Roy! Roy!

Guys, guys. Guys. We need to get Hammo back!

ALL: Hammo! Hammo! Hammo!

Hammo! Hammo! Hammo!

Are you sure it's workin'?

Check. OK. Let's do this.

Is it working?

It's not in position yet. Hang on.

Bingo!

HE KNOCKS

Oh, Roy, come in.

Miss, we all want Mr Hammond back. Please?

I'm sorry, Roy, I'd love to, but Mr Hammond was in the wrong.

So I can't ask him back.

But, as principal, I shall be the bigger person. If he asks me,

-I'll give him his job back.

-I hope he does.

I know you and Mr Hammond had a difficult relationship.

You're a good person, Roy. This school needs you.

I think I got enough!

Oh, gross!

Thanks for meeting me, sir.

I don't see what she could say that would make me change my mind.

I have my pride, you know!

Just watch it.

I...was in the wrong...If he asks me, I'll give him his job back.

I'm...sorry...Hammond...I...had a difficult relationship.

I'd love...if... Mr Hammond...would...be

the better person...and asks me. This school needs...Mr Hammond.

I...need...Mr Hammond.

Excellent.

Right, Roy.

Oh, er, why is that video so jumpy?

Oh, me stupid sister dropped the camera.

Ah, coffee, I've missed you.

Choccie biccie. My sweet, sweet friend.

Er, Jane.

CLEARS THROAT

Miss Jervis. I am so sorry.

I would love if you could give me my job back again.

Glad to have you back, Derek!

Thank you, Jane.

-ALL:

-Hammo! Hammo! Hammo! Hammo!

Hammo! Hammo!

Woohoo!

FIREWORKS CRACKLE

ROY BURPS

Spicey!