Fright of a Lifetime ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.

'the only trouble is,

he doesn't LOOK very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in

'but it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

THEY SCREAM

Ro-o-oy!

Roy!

He-he!

'It's Halloween

and the O'Brien family are preparing to celebrate the holiday

in their own unique way.

Rawr...

Morning, Da.

Morning, son.

Happy Halloween.

Arise, young maiden.

You are now part of the vampire army of the night.

Are there any cornflakes left?

You no longer require human food.

The only thing you need now...

is blood!

SHE SLAVERS AND SUCKS

I'll go check.

Ah, Becky,

work with me here.

We love Halloween.

SCREAMING

BOTH: Ooh!

It's our favourite holiday of the year.

Yeah, much better than Christmas.

Ah, yeah, what's the use of Christmas?

You don't get a chance to dress up in costume, wear make-up

-or scare your children...

-Exactly.

Where's the fun in that?

We hate Halloween.

Yeah,

thanks to the two Monster twins.

Embarrassment overload.

-Why is Halloween so special to us?

-Yeah,

it's where we first met.

We had our first kiss.

I was the Incredible Hulk.

And I was Wonder Woman.

I bet you never thought those two would get together, huh?

Ah, come on, Niall, please tell us?

-Nope.

-Are you going to be an astronaut?

Nope.

-Er, a superhero?

-Not even close, Tara.

-How about you give us a clue?

-It's a surprise

but I guarantee as soon as you see it, you'll be blown away.

Aw, then you're dressing up as a hurricane, isn't it?

How can you dress up as a hurricane, Sean?

Hey, Deco.

All right, losers.

-All set for Halloween?

-Nearly.

-What are you going as?

-Dressing up, like?

-Yeah.

-Ha-ha, no!

Now, what do I look like to you - a baby?

But you have to dress up. How else are you going to get sweets?

I have a few ideas of my own, Niall.

A few ideas.

-He's up to something.

-Deco's always up to something.

-Yeah. Come on.

-Oh, yeah.

Just a little bit to the left there, Vampire. We don't want

the mummy obscuring the werewolf.

How are you?

-Enough!

-What's the matter?

Take a look around you -

do you see any other parents dressed up like monsters?

Well, hang on love - I mean, it's early yet.

But do you see any other gardens on our road with cardboard zombies

or vampires hiding in the bushes?

You go overboard every year.

But I thought you and Roy loved our Halloween haunted house?

We did when we were seven. Now, it's just...

What?

..embarrassing.

You haven't scared either of us with this rubbish in years.

-Not even a little bit?

-No.

Oh!

It's all right, love.

I love Halloween.

Like, what other time of the year

do you get to frighten the life out of little kids?

And steal their sweets.

Ah, come on.

Like, I'm not breaking any of the rules -

trick or treat.

Rawr!

Tremble before the Halloween Ninja.

Give up your sweets before he unleashes his fearsome attack!

Oh, what's wrong with you lot?

-Am I not scary?

-No.

I should have worn that zombie costume.

How did this happen, Bill?

I know. I mean, it's all so out of the blue. I mean, last year,

we scared them both silly.

-Did we?

-Yes.

Yeah, remember when we had the cold spaghetti we said was witches' guts,

-remember?

-That wasn't last year.

It wasn't?

No, Becky was in primary school when that happened.

Well, what about the year before, huh?

Remember when I did the old werewolf of Dublin thing?

Ow-ooo, oo...

No.

Ah, that can't be right. I mean...

we haven't lost our touch, have we?

Are you serious?

Yep.

-No more haunted house?

-Nope.

He-he, yes! Nice one, Becks.

-Hey, guys.

-Heya.

What happened to your costume?

Well, it's like your sister says - we're too old for that nonsense.

Yeah, so we're just going to head over

-to your granny and grandad's house.

-Yeah, we won't be back till late.

Mwa-ha-ha-ha...

Mam.

Sorry. Force of habit.

Is that OK? DOORBELL RINGS

Trick or treaters are early this year.

You should still wear your costumes.

Maybe later, we can play bob the apple or tell some ghost stories.

Ah, thanks, love, but not this year

but you have a good time.

Becky's done an amazing job making you up as a zombie.

Roy, your friends are here.

I bet you'll never guess what I came as?

Good gag, Sean. Who are you supposed to be?

Er, Billy the Kid.

-But you're a girl.

-So?

I love the Wild West.

Oh, and what have you come as, Abby?

-A fashionista.

-Oh, wow, very good.

Ha-ha, not as good as mine.

LAUGHTER

Ah, Niall. You look fantastic.

Did you make that yourself?

That must have taken you ages, did it?

You're harder to draw than you look.

So what are you going as, Mrs O'Brien?

Roy said you always dress up as vampires or monsters.

Yeah, not this year, love.

Why not?

Well, there's no point any more, you know.

We're not scary any more. Is that right, kids?

Right.

OK, see youse.

Sorry, Roy - I mean, Niall. Ha-ha!

So, want to go trick or treating?

-Why not.

-OK, great. Let's go.

-See you, Becks.

-Come on, Roy.

This is great.

I could be on for a record haul this year.

Freeze, peasants.

You must not pass Park Ninja without paying a toll.

Deco, is that you?

Shh, silence, fake cartoon peasant.

Give me your sweets or pay the price...

and prepare to die!

That's a deadly costume.

Yeah, but you shouldn't use it to steal.

I'm not.

This is Halloween. People like to be scared on Halloween

and I'm providing a service.

He has a point.

Are you any good at scaring people, Roy?

Good? I'm an expert.

You had to be living in my house.

Prove it, then.

Show me your scariest face.

Rawr!

That was brutal.

No, it wasn't.

Come on, Roy, just ignore him.

Right, I bet you that I can scare more people than you can

that walk through this park.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

The first to ten is the winner.

Don't do it, Roy.

Why not - are you chicken?

-No.

-He's playing a trick on you.

Ah, come on, O'Brien. If you're as scary as you say you are,

take me on.

OK, then, I will.

I'm not standing around here

watching youse pulling stupid faces all day.

Neither am I, we have loads more houses to visit.

Come on.

Please, Roy?

It's cool, Tara. I'll catch up with you later.

You heard what he said. Now, come on!

Right, I'll take the bush, you take the bin.

You're so going to lose.

Do you know what, Roy,

I think you might be right.

Rawr!

THEY SCREAM

Rawr!

1-0, Deco.

Ah, no way. I'm losing.

Hey, here comes another lot.

I'm going to jump out and hide behind the trees.

He-he-he-he.

It's been a pretty good day so far. Nothing too scary...

Psst.

Probably a bird. Let's just keep going.

Hmm, where was I?

Psst.

THEY SCREAM

2-0, 2-0!

I can't believe it, Roy. Wiping the floor with me.

And it's only going to get worse.

-(I always knew he was stupid

-SCREAMING

(but not that stupid.)

Deco! I scared another lot.

Ha, yeah, well done, great work.

Rawr!

THEY SCREAM

Rawr!

Rawr!

THEY SCREAM

Ha-ha-ha, yes, whoo!

Whoa!

Go, Roy! Go, Roy! Go, Roy! Yes.

So what's the score now?

Are you kidding me? It's 9-0.

Worst Halloween ever.

Yeah, well that's what you get for messing

with the Fright Night Master!

Yeah, Roy. You've really taught me a lesson.

Oh, and it's not over yet.

Wait till you see this.

BRANCH CREAKS

Rawr!

THEY SCREAM

Ha-ha, yes, yes!

In your face, Deco. 10-0 to me.

Whoa!

Fair play, Roy.

It usually takes me the whole night to do this much damage.

Damage?

Come on, I've been stashing them here.

Oh!

So, I suspected you wanted a fifty-fifty split

but I thought of it so it's a sixty-forty.

-Fair?

-I don't want other people's sweets.

Huh? Well, if you insist.

Are you going to keep them?

Obviously. What else will I do with them?

Give them back.

Ha! Funny, funny.

Scary and funny, great combination.

-You tricked me.

-Duh!

But what about all those kids? They've lost all their sweets.

Serves them right

for walking through a haunted park on Halloween.

So, bye-bye.

Come back here!

Can't, Roy. I've some serious eating to do.

# Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all... #

Hey, do you want to help me demolish the haunted house?

No, thanks.

What's wrong with you?

Where's your bag?

Did somebody rob it from you?

Roy?

All right?

Where did you get all those?

-Roy.

-What?

Yeah, you should have seen him.

He scared the life out of about 200 little kids in the park.

I knew you were up to no good.

Don't blame me.

Roy was the one pulling faces.

-Poor Roy.

-Poor Roy, nothing!

It's not like we didn't warn him, Tara.

I mean, how gullible is he?

Come on, we have loads more houses to visit.

I'm not going home until this bag is so full of sweets,

I can't even lift it any more.

Come on.

I'm so stupid, Becks.

I should have known he was up to something.

Yeah, you should have...

ROY'S CLOUDS RUMBLE

I'm after ruining Halloween for all those kids.

Halloween isn't over yet

and we do live in a haunted house.

Do you have Deco's phone number?

Yeah.

Give him a call,

tell him you've changed your mind about your half of the goody bags.

Why?

Because we're going to get him over here

and we're going to give him the fright of his life.

-SCREAMING

-He-he.

That's what I'm talking about, Roy.

Yeah.

-The O'Briens.

-He-he.

Hello, Roy, Halloween buddy.

I want my sweets back.

-Really?

-Yeah.

What made you change your mind?

Er, cos I'm hungry.

I suppose you did earn your 33%.

33? I thought it was 40!

Was, Roy, was...

..but you turned down that offer and now we need to renegotiate.

OK, then, 33%. When can you bring them over?

Tomorrow?

Why not tonight?

Do you understand how many cola bottles I just ate?

I can barely stand up, never mind walk over to your house.

No, Deco, it has to be tonight.

Wait, why?

Because...

Because what?

Just because, OK? I did the scaring, I get the sweets.

OK, OK. Keep your cartoon hair on your head!

I'm on my way.

Great, see you soon!

How stupid does he think I am?

This is fantastic, even though my arm is killing me.

-DISTANT SHOUT:

-Look, it's him - get him!

SHOUTING & YELLING

Hey, are they pointing at me?

-Niall, run!

-Help!

-Drop your bag.

-It's slowing you down.

What? Are you crazy?

HE SCREAMS

Hey, what are you doing?

You've got the wrong cartoon boy!

THEY CHEER

Not the sweets, not the sweets!

NO! NO!

You OK?

Oh, give me a break, O'Brien.

Hello? Roy?

I'm glad you called, Roy.

I'm here with your share of the sweets.

(I gave him all the fruits and liquorice - shh.)

Yeah, so your quarter of the stolen goody bags.

THE DOOR CREAKS SHUT

Oh, no,

the door to the haunted house closed by itself(!)

Seems like I'm trapped(!)

SPOOKY MUSIC

-FALTERINGLY:

-You've got to do it better than that, Roy.

I'm not as stupid as those little kids in the park.

Ha...

Ha-ha-ha, very funny, Roy.

I'm going home.

What gives?

LET ME OUT!

ROY! ROY!

One, two, three.

Wait until I get my hands on him.

Don't blame it on Roy, Niall. If anything, it's all Deco's fault.

Tara, you're always making up excuses for him.

Yeah! He cost me the biggest Halloween payday

and he's going to be sorry. Move it.

TENSE MUSIC

What's wrong with you, Deco?

Come on, pull yourself together.

O'Brien?

It's not working.

I know what you're up to.

(Ready?)

Oh, yeah.

Roy!

You're going to pay for that.

What have you done to my runners?

Right, that's it.

When I get me hands on you, you're d...

Oh.

All right, Roy. Fair's fair, you got me.

You can come out now.

HE WHIMPERS

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Hello?

HE GASPS

Who's there?

EVIL CACKLING

Roy!

ARGH!

Help me, Mammy!

He-he-he.

You can come out now, Roy.

Happy Halloween, Deco.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The joke's on you two losers.

I knew what youse were up to all along.

Really?

Yeah, I was just pretending to be scared.

And what about the crying and calling for, "Mammy"?

I can't wait to tell everyone in school.

No, you can't.

My reputation, it'll be in ruins.

This is a pickle, Roy.

What are we going to do?

Well,

I suppose if Deco were to return all the stolen goody bags...

We might forget who scared who?

What do you think, Deco?

Deal.

DOORBELL RINGS

The bathroom's down the hall by the way.

But I don't need to go to the toilet.

Yeah, but your eyes are all red and blotchy.

You might want to wash them before you go back out in public.

What happened to me?

I mean, you?

You owe me 2,000 sweets.

Yeah.

Right, so you'd better come in.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

What about the other kids?

How are we supposed to get in contact with them?

Someone's going to have to knock on every door in Sandyford

and see if a child had their sweets stolen this evening.

Aw, me?

No way. That'll take me all night!

Oh, don't worry, you're going to have somebody helping you.

What are you all looking at me for?

Why do you think we're looking at you?

Come on, Deco...

What was that?

Ignore it. It's just them two playing jokes on us.

Huh?

They have this whole house wired.

It's one gigantic Halloween booby trap.

How did we turn off the power if we're standing here next to you?

Maybe it's a power cut?

THUNDER RUMBLES

And a thunderstorm?

Seriously, what's going on?

-I don't know.

-Yes, you do!

Just give it a rest.

How are you doing that?

Does your smoke machine have a remote control or something?

No.

-Tara, I'm scared.

-Me too.

What do we have to do?

SPOOKY MUSIC

Do what it says, GET OUT!

OPEN THE DOOR!

Let's go upstairs.

Are you crazy?

That's what my mistake was.

He's right.

Rule number one - don't stay in a haunted house.

Get out as fast as you can!

But we're locked in.

You guys, do what you like.

We're going upstairs.

Come on.

Rule number two - never split up.

Is there any other way out?

No.

Hello, police?

Yeah, we need someone over here now.

There's a monster in our house.

Yeah, I know it's Halloween but it's not a prank phone call...

ROY'S TEETH CHATTER

Hello?

Hello?

OK, we're going to go up to my room and lock the door, OK?

-OK, let's go.

-Come on.

SCREAMING

It's locked!

The bathroom.

(Right, everybody, ready?

(One, two, three.)

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

ROY, BECKY & DECO GASP

Who says we don't know how to scare youse any more?

Ah, it was all a set-up?

-ALL:

-Happy Halloween!

And you little snakes were in on it as well?

It serves you right.

Guys, I think there's something wrong with Roy.

Roy?

Roy?

Up here.

THEY SCREAM

What?

ARGH! HELP!

Proud of yourselves?

Look, don't worry about it, son. It's very simple.

Now, on the count of three,

I want you to run over here and jump into your skin.

Not very scientific, is it?

Do you have you any better ideas, do you?

-Do you have a hoover?

-What?

What do you want a hoover for?

Don't worry about cleaning up, Maura will sort that out later on.

-Let's get him fixed first.

-Scientific...

OK, we get the message.

We go too far.

And we blew the holiday fund on a smoke machine.

It was worth every penny, mind you.

No, Bill. Enough's enough.

We scared our own son out of his skin.

Next year, we're not dressing up or decorating the house.

I guess we'll just have to make more out of Christmas, won't we?

Ho-ho-ho(!)

'It's the next day.

'Roy is back to normal

'and he and Deco are returning the stolen sweets

'to their rightful owners.

..and remember the bit when your dad was banging at the door.

It was like "Bump, bump, bump."

That was so scary.

Are you saying you had fun?

Ha! No.

Well, at the time, I was bricking it but now...

Well, yeah, like nothing bad happened.

Yeah.

Sorry for scaring youse last night.

Ha, not me!

And you still owe me sweets -

that bag that you gave me last night was full of liquorice and fruit.

Roy, are your mum and dad having a haunted house next year?

Me and Becky told them not to.

-Why? Last night was amazing.

-Totally.

Well, yeah, I suppose it was.

Hey, son.

Did you give the bags back?

-Every last one.

-Good boy.

-Becky?

-What's up?

I need to ask you something

and don't go mad

but I think it's the right thing to do.

Don't worry.

I already know what you're going to say.

Really?

And do you agree?

Yeah.

Ha.

OK, then, let's go.

What are you planning to do with all the rubbish?

Well, what does it look like, love?

Yeah. No more haunted house for the O'Briens.

Or...

You can keep all of this for next year.

On one condition.

What?

You have to think of something a lot scarier.

Rawr!

THEY SCREAM & LAUGH

SHE HISSES