And the Winner Is ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'the only trouble is, he doesn't LOOK very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

Roy!

ALL: ROY!

He-he!

'It's early morning in Sandyford Progressive Learning.

'Roy and his chums have gathered in the school canteen

'for a "surprise" announcement.'

Hey, guys. What's all this about?

Wah!

CRASHING

-We thought we'd send you for a trip.

-Classic.

You're not funny, Deco.

Now are you sure about that? Because I think I'm hilarious.

Good morning, children.

-ALL:

-Morning, Mr Lucey.

You all right, Roy?

Yeah. Couldn't be better.

Oh, I think you'll find that's not entirely accurate.

THEY GASP

'Hello, Sandyford. And hello, Roy O'Brien.'

-You?

-Me?

'Well, a few weeks ago,

'I was asked to judge a national poetry competition.

'And after reading more than 5,000 entries,

'Roy...

'I am delighted to announce that you

'are the grand prize winner.'

When did you enter a poetry competition?

-I didn't.

-Ssh!

-Zach is speaking.

-'Your beautiful sonnet,

'Jellybean Love Song, entered by your wonderful principal,

'Miss Jervis, it blew me away.'

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

'"Whenever I'm feeling blue,

'"you hug the inside of my mouth...

'"..with all the flavours of the rainbow."

'Wow!

'Still takes my breath away.

'Anyway, Roy, you're probably wondering what you've won.'

Yeah, tell us!

-Interrupt him one more time.

-'Seeing as I'm back home in Ireland...'

-ZACH CONTINUES TO TALK

-I dare ya. See what happens.

'..the latest movie in the Darkest Moon franchise,

'I was thinking we could get together for dinner.'

No...way!

'Anyway, Roy, I'll see you this evening.

'Oh, and don't forget to bring a friend with you.'

-THEY SHOUT

-That's it!

-Roy!

Yes! This is amazing!

I can't believe I won!

-I never win anything!

-HE LAUGHS

Thank you, jellybeans.

I love you even more than I did before.

Hahaha! I'm a deadly poet!

So, Roy...any idea who you're bringing to dinner?

Er, well, I'm his best friend...

No, you're not!

Me and Roy are like blood brothers. Aren't we, Roy?

Aren't we, Roy?

-THEY SHOUT

-Roy bring me!

-Roy, you're bringing me!

-STRETCHING

EVERYONE!

Calm down.

Now, look what you're all doing to that poor young fella!

You all right, pal?

Why are you being so nice to him?

Yeah. You're up to something.

Yeah, he just wants to go to dinner with Zach Morgan!

Tara, that's really not my decision to make. Is it, Roy?

Dream on, Deco. There's no way he's bringing you.

Well, Niall, I'm happy enough to give Roy the space and time

he needs to make his mind up.

And if the rest of you are really his friends,

I'm sure yous will do the same. Now, everyone agree.

I said everyone agree!

-ALL:

-Yes.

-DECO SNIGGERS

Off you go, Roy.

I'll make sure no-one bothers you again.

Er...thanks, Deco.

Nice try, Deco. But Zach said bring a friend.

And that certainly isn't you.

Oh, we'll see, Sophie. Oh, we'll see.

Do you believe in destiny?

Well, mine is to meet Zach Morgan and have him cast me

as his little sister in the Darkest Moon movies.

After all, Hollywood is where I belong.

Do you realise how much this fake vampire's autograph

sells for online?

-I could make a fortune off this!

-HE SNIGGERS

It has to be me.

I'm the biggest Zach Morgan fan in the whole of Sandyford.

I'm not messing.

Maybe even the whole world!

The whole universe!

SNAPPING

Oh.

Erm...

Does anyone have a spare penc...?

Ah! What are you all doing out of your seats?!

Roy needs a new pencil, Sir.

What 17 of them?

Er...thanks everyone.

Who you going to choose, Roy? Erm...I mean,

which pencil do you like best?

I...

I can't decide, erm...

Excuse me, excuse me.

Here ya go, Roy.

Ah, good work, O'Leary.

Right, the rest of you, back to your seats. Come on!

MR HAMMOND SIGHS

You think you're so clever, don't you?

I don't think, Abby. I know.

Look, Deco. Me and Roy are best friends

and he knows how much I love Darkest Moon.

Picking me is the right thing to do

and that's why I'm going to dinner with Zach Morgan.

Roy's going to dinner with Zach Morgan?

-Yep! plus-one.

-Which is going to be me.

-No, you mean me.

-Or me!

What? It could happen.

-DECO TUTS BOTH:

-We'll see.

Zach Morgan. You're in Sandyford!

And I know just how to stay on Roy's good side!

-SHOUTING

-Agh, this is mental!

-Yeah, Roy.

Now know how it feels to be Zach Morgan for a day.

Back off everyone, back everyone! We'll let you know what he decides.

-Thanks, Tara.

-Don't mention it.

-DOOR STRAINS

I'm sure you'll find a way to express your gratitude.

Hey! Stop bribing him!

Give it a rest, you two! It's not safe here.

But you're me mates. I can count on yous.

-Can't I?

-Not today, Roy. None of us can be trusted.

Run! Run, while you still have the chance!

SHOUTING

Roy! Pick me, Roy!

Ever wished you were the most popular kid in school?

Trust me, it's overrated.

I am so proud of Roy.

Yes, Jellybeans. O'Brien can be quite artistic

when the subject matter is food!

-Excuse me, Miss, you haven't seen Roy, have you?

-No, sorry, Abby.

Personally, I don't see what all the fuss is about.

Neither do I.

-Anyone seen Roy?

-Ugh! Follow Abby. She's on his trail, as well.

Aw, poor Roy. This must be an impossible decision to make.

You know, maybe we could help him?

You're the one that got him into this mess,

-why don't you go to dinner with him?

-SHE GASPS

Actually, erm, Mr Hammond, I saw the Zach Morgan video message

and he clearly states that Roy must bring a friend, so...

Oh! Well, hello!

I'd consider myself to be a friend with all the children.

You'd have no interest in going on a dinner date

with Zach Morgan, would you?

I actually really admire what he's done

to millions of childrens' lives.

Like what? Being a vampire with a trendy haircut?

Er! Excuse me?

Every single child on that schoolyard

has read at least one of his books.

And you know what they say, "If a child reads one book..."

Yeah, but he doesn't write those books, he's just on the cover.

True. And how cute is he on those covers?

Where's O'Brien?

Follow Sophie.

Ah! Dear, oh, dear.

-Vultures!

-HE TUTS

CHILDREN PLAY

Have you seen Roy anywhere?

No, we didn't either. No.

So good luck with that, OK?

-Tell me if you see him.

-Oh, yeah! Will do.

Ha!

Hey, O'Brien?

I mean...

Roy?

Go away! I'm not here.

I prepared a little something.

HE MUTTERS

"I, Declan O'Leary, do hereby propose the following

"in return for an INVITE to dinner with Zach Morgan."

Yeah. So...

"I promise to...

"One - never make fun of Roy O'Brien again.

"To his face.

"Two - never make fun of Roy O'Brien behind his back.

"And three - never do anything to make Roy O'Brien cry again."

Seriously?

Does having dinner with Zach Morgan really mean this much to you?

That poser?

No way. I'm only in this for...

the money.

So...do we have a deal?

-Mm...

-Ssh. Don't let me rush ya.

You take all the time you need.

You have one hour.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

And I'm sure you're going to make the right decision.

Ha!

Hey, Roy.

Oh. Hey, Tara. I didn't see you there.

Did I ever tell you about my family's holiday home in Spain?

Er, no.

Well, it's really lovely there. We have a pool and everything.

Yeah?

And my parents are always happy for me to invite a FRIEND

to come and stay with us.

Tara.

Sophie.

Ever been to a Hollywood movie premiere, Roy?

Er, no.

Well, if you introduce me to Zach Morgan,

I'll make sure you go to hundreds of them.

Yeah, right.

Roy! I'm glad I caught you.

Now, we need to discuss the criteria for who you can and can't bring

-as your plus-one!

-Oh, stop!

All of yous!

Why can't you just leave me alone?

He's still picking me.

No, he's not.

MR LUCEY SIGHS

Anyone but Miss Jervis.

Abby? No.

Sean? No.

Tara? No.

Sophie? Erm...

-Roy?

-Deco?

-Erm...

-Roy?

Roy, snap out of it!

-I

-wish I'd never won this stupid prize!

Are you kidding?

No! Everywhere I turn, someone's smiling at me,

offering me bribes, begging to be picked.

Deco even offered me a contract.

Wow! He really wants to win.

What am I supposed to do?

No matter who I choose, everyone else is going to hate me.

Trust me, Roy. I'm going to make this problem go away.

That smells delicious.

Miss Jervis, didn't see you there.

Tell me, Carol, what's on the menu today?

-Oh, you know...just the usual.

-You're far too modest.

This all looks sublime. The recipe?

For starters, melted cheese over a bacon salad.

Oh! But just hold the salad.

For mains, we've got sausage lasagne,

with 12 different types of sausage. Nice.

And then, for dessert, we have

jellybean-packed chocolate fudge sundae.

Oh, but the worst of it?

Ha! Chips!

Chips! A cardinal sin, in Carol's eyes.

I mean, what on earth has gotten into everyone today?

Derek?

-Hm?

-I mean, should we intervene and end all this Zach Morgan madness?

Leave it to me, Miss Jervis.

I'll take care of everything.

HE PANTS AND SNORTS

Oh! I didn't see you there.

My mother always said it was a crime to let good food go to waste.

-And er...

-CLATTERING

..believe me, that was good food.

ALARM BLARES

ANGELIC MUSIC

Roy, I know this is a really difficult decision to make.

And I know you can only pick one person.

So if it isn't me, I'll understand.

And I hope you have a great time with Zach Morgan.

-Honestly?

-Cross my heart.

But, if it is me...

..A, I'll love you forever

and B, you'll never have to buy jellybeans

for the rest of your life.

Haha.

Afternoon, Mr Hammond.

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, just looking for something in the Lost and Found box.

Well, Carol...

this isn't it!

-Isn't it?

-No, Carol.

This is my confiscation box.

It contains all the toys, sweets and video games

taken from the children throughout the year.

-Really?

-Yes, Carol.

And 90% of these items belong to one Roy O'Brien.

And I don't suppose, for a second,

you were thinking of returning them to him in exchange for...

Ooh! Let me see...erm...

a dinner invitation?

I don't have a clue what you're talking about, Mr Hammond.

I was looking for my egg whisk.

Oh, come off it, Carol!

You were hoping to bribe O'Brien. Just like the other vultures.

Name your price.

Excuse me?

There's plenty more chips and gravy where that came from.

-How much more?

-All you can eat.

Well, I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement.

HE LAUGHS AND SNORTS

Yes! I did it! I did it!

He picked me! He picked me!

Guess who's going to dinner with Zach Morgan?

I am!

-FADING:

-Wow! He picked me!

-BOTH:

-NOOO!

-BOTH:

-Hey, guess what? I did it!

I chose Deco!

You chose Deco?

I chose Abby!

-BOTH:

-NOOO!

I don't know, Sir.

It must have been that sausage lasagne I had for lunch.

Maybe I should lie down for a few minutes...

No, no. You just wait there.

I'll call your parents and get them to come and collect you.

Thanks, Sir.

This is dinner with Zach Morgan we're talking about.

It's going to take hours to find the perfect outfit.

Then there's my hair, my make-up, my nails...

What other choice do I have?

-Abby?

-Oh, er...yes, Sir?

Would you like your mother or your father to collect you?

-My mother, please.

-OK.

Hold on a second!

This isn't Roy O'Brien's signature.

Niall signed it for him.

And you expect that to stand up in a court of law, do you?

Well, we can just get Roy in here now. He'll sign it, too.

All right, O'Leary.

Let's talk terms.

You give up your plus-one to Carol and I'll see to it

that you have a very easy life here in Sandyford Progressive Learning.

How does...

double chips and gravy for lunch, every day, sound? Hm?

No deal.

MR HAMMOND SIGHS

Can I go now, Sir?

One last thing!

Give this to Mr Morgan over dinner, will you?

"The Adventures of Professor H in the Galactic Space Academy."

Yes, it's just a little movie idea I've been working on for...

for the last 17 years.

You must be having a joke!

Wait! O'Leary!

I need you to get an autograph for me.

Thanks for nothing, Roy. How could you choose Deco over me?

I...

Well, don't worry.

When I win my first Oscar, I'll be sure to say

I did it without the help of Roy O'Brien or Zach Morgan.

ROY SIGHS

This is all your fault!

Me? You were the one that couldn't make your mind up!

I did make me mind up. I chose Abby!

Ssh! Stop panicking! I can fix it.

-How?

-The contract.

We just need to get Deco to break one of the agreements.

But isn't that a bit...

What?

..mean?

Yeah. But do you have a better idea?

OK, so what's the plan?

Cartoon accident. That'd make you look stupid.

Right, no problem.

Erm...

HE GASPS

Perfect!

HE HUMS

Wah!

Hey! Who turned off the lights?

Ow!

Whoa!

Agh!

-CHILDREN LAUGH

-Whoa!

What are you all laughing at?

Are you all right, Roy?

-ROY STRUGGLES

-Let me help you.

STRETCHING

-Oof!

-Oof!

Thanks, Deco.

No bother, Roy.

Any time, pal.

This isn't going to work, Niall.

Don't worry, Roy. Trust me.

Just wait a while, till I get in position.

-All right, lads?

-What do you want?

Nothing.

Just...hanging out.

COUGHING

Roy?

In here, Sir.

What an idiot.

I mean, I know he's my friend and all.

But you have to admit, Roy O'Brien is a real clown.

-Yeah!

-Don't you think, Deco?

No!

Now, come on, you. Let's help him.

Hold on, Roy!

COUGHING

We're coming in to get ya!

Well, did it work?

Sorry, Roy.

-ROY SIGHS

-What are we going to do?

School's nearly over and we'll be leaving

to have dinner with Zach Morgan soon.

There's nothing else for it.

Time to turn on the waterworks.

Abby?

Oh, hi, Sir!

I thought you were gravely ill.

I am.

I mean, I was.

Feeling much better now. Thanks.

Attention, losers!

Listen up because it's your last chance

to order Zach Morgan's autograph.

Look, Deco, I'm not going to let you pressure poor Roy

into asking Zach for 1,000 autographs.

What are you on about?

I'm going to do it myself.

Why are you dressed up like a dog's dinner?

-Declan!

-But, Sir, look at her!

How dare you! I look 1 billion.

I bet Zach is going to say the same.

Wait. Hang on a minute.

You both think you're going with Roy?

I have a contract.

But I paid Rory 1,000 jellybeans.

-BOTH:

-Roy!

Hey, everyone.

What's she talking about?

Tell him, Roy! Tell him I'm your plus-one.

-Hey, Deco.

-What?

-Say something to Roy!

-I thought we had a deal!

My outfit! It's ruined!

Check it out, everyone! You're all witnesses.

"Clause Three - I, Declan O'Leary,

"will never make Roy O'Brien cry again."

Read it and weep, Deco. You lose!

What?

No!

Sweet Vale of Avoca, what's going on now?

Sh! It's really quite complicated.

The state of me!

I can't meet Zach looking like this.

We did it, Roy. We won.

Yeah,

because we cheated.

This is the worst day ever.

Onto higher ground, everybody!

Quick!

Roy, please!

I love Zach Morgan!

He's my hero!

And I just want to be like him when I grow up!

Take whoever you want, you traitor!

I can't meet Zach looking like this.

Have you considered Carol as your plus-one, Roy?

Yes, Roy, Carol's an excellent choice.

Way better than Ms Jervis.

EVERYONE SHOUTS

Roy!

You won! Deco broke the contract!

Yeah. Only because we set him up,

and that isn't fair,

so, Abby and Deco, congratulations.

You're both going to the dinner with Zach Morgan.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Sorry. Excuse me.

Are you sure?

What about you?

I don't deserve to go.

Thanks so much, Roy.

You're a star.

See everyone tomorrow.

We'll tell Zach you said hi.

Wow. That was the most generous thing I've ever seen anyone do ever.

Well done, Roy. You should be proud of yourself.

Wait.

I can't believe they went without me.

Quick, everyone! Onto higher ground! Quick!

Of all the people to upset!

No!

ROY CRIES

What has he done now?

Oh, Becky, your poor brother.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Roy! Come out here! Roy!

'It's the following morning.

'Deco and Abby are happily informing

'their friends about the dinner with Zach Morgan.'

OK, Roy?

You don't want an autograph, no?

Zach Morgan this, Zach Morgan that,

I'm sick of hearing his name.

Well, you're not the only one.

Really?

Why do you not like him?

-Same reasons as you.

-What?

OK, everybody, come on.

Can we not talk about something other than movie vampires

-for a change?

-Right, litter duty in the yard!

Any volunteers?

Sir, I got that thing for you.

Oh, thank you, O'Leary.

And we got these books signed from Zach Morgan with a special message

inside for Miss Jervis.

Yeah, it was weird, though.

He was asking us loads of questions about her.

OK, get those to me. All of them.

No, I mean, Ms Jervis is at a seminar

and I'll make sure she gets them.

Zach Morgan signed all this memorabilia?

It must have taken him hours.

Sure it did, but he didn't mind.

He's a total gentleman and a complete babe.

Do you know what, Abby?

I reckon, if I live to be 100 years old,

-last night was the best moment of my life.

-Absolutely.

Enough!

Would you stop talking about stupid Zach Morgan?

If anyone needs me, I'll be in the yard.

-Morning, Carol.

-Morning, Mr Hammond.

-What's on the menu today?

-Who cares?

-Oh, guess what I confiscated from O'Leary this morning.

-Huh?

You want me to open it?

It's addressed to you.

And I'll be expecting chips and gravy come lunchtime.

"To Carol, Queen of the Canteen,

"love Zach." Oh!

Hello, Roy.

Zach Morgan!

So, you're the one who stood me up?

Got to tell you, Roy, that has never happened to me before.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Don't be.

Abby and Deco told me what you did for them.

You should be very proud of yourself, Roy.

Hey, let's face it.

It's not like you gave up a trip to the seaside.

I mean, dinner with Zach Morgan?

It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Or, in your case, twice-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

You still fancy that milkshake?

Absolutely.

Sir!

Roy and Zach Morgan are walking out of the yard together.

Yes, yes, very funny, Sophie.

I'm not messing. Sir, look!

This takes me back, Roy.

You know, before I was handsome and famous,

I went to a school a lot like this.

Yeah?

Is your principal still here? What was her name? Miss Jervis?

Oh, you missed her.

I see.

Uh-oh! Welcome to my world.

-What we do, Zach?

-Run!

EVERYBODY SQUABBLES