Blush Hour ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is he doesn't look very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble when you're a cartoon.'

Roy!

Roy!

Roy!

'It's an ordinary school day

'at Sandyford Progressive Learning.'

CAR HORN BEEPS

SCREAMING

'But it's no ordinary school day for Roy.'

Me dad got a job at the school!

Well, you see, Marian the caretaker was on holiday.

So they need someone to hold the fort for a few days, you know.

Ha, naturally, I didn't wait around to be asked twice.

He didn't even wait around at all! Just straight in there.

I even brought all of me own gear and all me own tools.

I mean, I didn't want to be stuck with their old shoddy...

stuff.

Me Da...at school.

This is the coolest thing ever! Da!

An opera? Really, Derek, you know our budget's a lot tighter than that.

And we just need something fun!

Oh! What's that now?

We're organising a community event for next Saturday.

Something elegant that properly introduces

Sandyford's finest to the school.

An event that brings the community and school together.

It needs to be indoors, simple, casual,

fun and on quite a restricted budget.

Simple, fun, and casual. Well, that to me spells B-B-Q.

-Barbecue.

-Barbecue?!

This event must be for indoors.

Derek, I'm sure Bill understood that.

Now, let's at least hear his idea.

Yes. Of course I did understand that,

and that's what's going to be so special about your barbecue.

I mean, who would want to miss Sandyford's first indoor barbecue?

I have to admit, it does sound like fun.

Indoors could be newsworthy.

Naturally, I would have to man the grill.

Or, Derek...

Or...if someone else handled the cooking,

that would leave you free to do a meet and greet.

Instead of grilling the meat.

You're absolutely right, Mr O'Brien. I will be in great demand.

I've no doubt, yeah. And I have my own chef's jacket as well.

I mean, I don't have it with me. It's at home. But I can bring it in.

But indoors, is that even safe?

Listen, safety is Barbecue Bill's middle name. That's me, by the way.

Barbecue Bill.

There was a sign on that seat.

You shouldn't have...

Sorry.

Aw, I'll just get a plaster.

'Bill has wasted no time getting

'straight to work on his indoor barbecue.'

-Hey, Da.

-Huh?

Did you know King Charles I got his head chopped off?

History's a mad subject!

Just don't get that many beheadings in Geography.

Nasty sounding business, that.

You'd want to watch you don't give yourselves nightmares.

Not like the last time, Roy.

What was the last time?

Nothing! Nothing. I had a stupid nightmare a few weeks ago.

That's all.

Yeah, well, it wasn't really nothing. It was...

it was Mr Hammond dressed as a clown.

-Roy!

-Doesn't matter what it was. Forget about it!

-It's stupid.

-Yeah. Yeah. You're dead right, son.

And in fairness, who wouldn't want to sleep

with their mammy for a few nights, after having a nightmare like that?

-You told them!

-Ah, sorry, son.

I...I didn't mean to.

Oh, sleeping with your mummy, are you, Roy?

-Oh, priceless!

-Deadly!

Here, leave it out, you two. All right? It wasn't that.

It was Mr Hammond dressed as a clown.

Da! Why'd you have to tell? Oooh!

Don't worry, son. I got you, son! I got you. Hold on, Roy.

Hold on, buddy! Whoa, wait, wait!

Roy! Roy!

Roy!

Oh, sorry about that, Derek.

Oh, get off! Please!

Oh, what happened!?

You were just embarrassed, Roy. It happens to all of us.

Yeah. Thanks, Tara.

It's just a bit of stupid embarrassment, right?

'After school, Laura and Sophie have joined Roy for some homework.'

I think I got one right, Laura. Look.

MR O'BRIEN SPRAYS AIR FRESHENER

Fair warning, Maura!

I'd give that loo 15 minutes at least.

Well, 10, anyway.

Da!

Howdy, Roy! Oh, you have your friends over.

Hiya, girls.

Funny story about this air freshener, erm...

I mistook it, one time, for deodorant.

Wore it to work for an entire week.

Nothing but compliments, by the way.

Worse than ever! Can't stop!

ARGHHH!!

He told the air freshener story!

Oh, you'd better get outside quick, love.

Coming through! Coming through!

Coming through!

Roy!

Oh, nothing. Just another typical day around my house.

'The next morning, Roy hopes to get a little advice from his big sister.'

Go away.

Becky, I have to ask you something

Go away, Roy! I'm busy.

BEECCCKKKYYY!!!

Fine. What do you want?

It's about Da. He must have embarrassed you sometimes, right?

How'd you deal with it?

You want to know what real embarrassment is?

Having a cartoon brother.

Daily mortification. Guaranteed.

-Thanks a lot, Becky!

-No problem.

You know, Bill, we really need to avoid embarrassing Roy.

Oh, yes - well, good news on that front, my love.

My indoor barbecue is going to make Roy as proud as a...proud thing.

Yeah, are you sure?

You really don't have a good history in barbecuing.

No. No, you are right of course, my love.

But that is, as you say, history.

My indoor barbecue, however, is the future. Look at that, huh?

-Aw, that's brilliant, yeah.

-I'm off. See you later. Bye.

Hey, hey, hey, come back in here for a second.

You have a lift with me this morning, remember?

Uh, yeah, cheers, Dad. It's just...

I thought I might walk today.

Are you worried I might embarrass you?

Nah! No way! Course not. It's just I like walking.

Cos, like, walking's great craic.

-Bye, Ma.

-See you, love.

Nice apron, Da.

-Oh, thank you, love.

-Suits you.

Good luck not getting embarrassed.

You know what, Roy?

Everyone gets embarrassed.

Go inside and watch this.

Becky!

Becky! Becky!

Becky, you forgot your early morning hug!

-My what?

-Awww, a little huggy for Becky.

And a little...pecky for Becky.

-What are you...?

-A little nose rub, just for luck!

-What are you doing?! Stop it!

-You see?

What are you staring at?

Other people's embarrassment is hilarious!

Yeah, I don't think that's she was going for, so...

Hey, Da, that lift still going?

Yeah. Yeah, it is, yeah.

'Meanwhile, Mr Hammond has gone into

'publicity overdrive for his school barbecue.'

BELL RINGS

Ms Jervis. There's been an important development.

I have arranged for the barbecue to be

covered by Channel 78 News.

I'm going to cook on television?

Derek, must I remind you? The barbecue is a community event.

It's not about publicity. It's about fun.

Fun?

I have fun covered, Ms Jervis.

See, item 2c in my agenda.

Under 2b, hygiene.

Barbecue Bill. On television.

On Channel 78 News! Dozens of viewers.

Bill, you mustn't let me down.

Us! I mean...the school.

Does this machine look like it's going to let anybody down, huh?

Don't touch it, Derek!

Your dad's the funniest. He's hilarious.

I think it'd be cool if he worked here everyday.

Yeah. Yeah, I was thinking that too.

I told you not to touch it, Derek.

'Along with his barbecue plans,

'Bill wants to stick to his promise to fix everything.

'Or, at least, not to make things worse.'

-PUPILS ARE LAUGHING

-What's up, lads?

R-Roy, erm, look at this!

What are you all looking at?

-Dad, they can see your underpants!

-Hm?

What? Ah, look-it. Well...

These aren't any just, you know, ORDINARY underpants.

No, no! These are my lucky pants.

I've had them ever since the World Cup in 1990.

I wore them for the entire tournament. Four weeks!

-ALL:

-Ewww!

What?! Do you think David O'Leary scored that goal by chance?

Not at all!

It was luck - my lucky pants!

That's a fact.

-Roy, you all right, son?

-Da!

Underpants?

Everybody looking? Urrhhh!

Ah, no. Not again.

COUGHING

WHISTLE BLOWS

This is not a drill!

Everyone form lines behind Laura and me

and follow to the nearest exit!

What are you standing there waiting for? Move!

SHOUTING

COUGHING

UNDERPANTS!

Right.

ALARM CONTINUES TO RING

PUPILS ALL COUGHING

I mean, Roy is a good lad, you know.

And I really think that, with a little help, he'll get over this.

Helping with emotional issues like Roy's - it's what we do here.

The good news is that the school sprinkler system is operational.

The bad news is that yet again another school day

has been disrupted by Roy O'Brien.

Now hold your horses, there, Derek.

Roy has done nothing wrong.

At least, not on purpose, anyway.

We have had smoke and...

smoke and flood damage. What next?!

Well, do you know what?

Maybe it just might be better if I stayed away from school for awhile.

But my barbecue! Sorry - THE barbecue.

No, no. This is straightforward.

Until Roy can learn to control himself, he must be suspended.

You know very well, Progressive Learning does not suspend students,

so you can forget about that.

Fine.

Well, let's call it temporarily relieved from school duties, hm?

'And so, "relieved from school duties",

'Roy is happy to go shopping with his mother.

'Nothing embarrassing here, surely.'

Well, you know, Roy, I've been thinking. Thanks.

Maybe it's time you have a little chat with Dr Raschid?

Going to the doctor about embarrassment? That's so...

embarrassing.

Yeah, OK, for now. But if it blows up again, we see the Doctor. Deal?

Deal.

Oh, hang on, I have a voucher.

There you go.

Em, sorry. This voucher's only for men's suits.

Yeah, but a suit's a suit. You can just run it through.

Yeah, but it says "Men's suits only".

Perhaps I'd like to see your manager.

Ma, let it go!

No! Manager, or voucher.

What's it going to be?

Ma! Everyone's watching.

-SHE SIGHS

-Sorry about that.

Yeah, I'll just run that through now.

WE are going to see Dr Raschid.

Thanking you.

Have a nice day.

Come on, hot stuff.

See yas!

-REGULAR BEEPS FROM MACHINE

-OK, Roy. I need to witness

one of these incidents.

So, we'll just start off with some routine embarrassments.

Everyone ready?

OK...

Ah! What about your first kiss?

"You floated like a balloon?"

Ha-ha, that must have been pretty embarrassing?

Kind of funny.

Sorry.

OK, er...

A-ha! What about this!

First time you turned into a gorilla! Terrorised everyone?

I'm sure that's going to raise a bit of a blush.

Ooh! Ohh! Ohh!

Sorry, Doctor.

This is just ordinary stuff. Not embarrassing, at all.

BEEPING INCREASES FREQUENCY

I'm getting something.

OK, Roy, I want you to go to the embarrassing place in your mind,

OK?

Just feel the shame that rises,

the fire that can never be quenched!

"Manager or voucher. What's it going to be?"

Ah-ha! Good man. Good start!

-"I wore them for the entire tournament. Four weeks!"

-CLASS:

-Ew!"

That's 1990, the World Cup.

Those underpants should be in a museum, by the way. That's a fact.

They all saw his underpants!

Why couldn't she just forget about the stupid voucher!

LOUD HISSING OF STEAM

Don't worry, son - I gotcha!

EVERYONE SHOUTS AT ONCE, EXTINGUISHER GUSHING

-Da!

-Handle's too fiddly!

-Stupid lucky underpants!

-DOCTOR:

-Not at me, Bill - at Roy!

OK, Roy. Next time you're embarrassed,

just say to yourself, "I'm calm and I'm still, and still I am calm."

Over and over. All right?

I'm calm and still and still I'm calm.

Perfect. OK, good man.

Just give us a few minutes with your mum and dad.

"I'm calm and still

"and still I'm calm."

ALL: I'm calm and still

and still I'm calm.

-Guys...

-Yeah.

It's normal to be embarrassed by your parents.

It's all part of growing up and becoming your own person.

Your own...cartoon.

This break from Roy's school life, it's not going to help.

Normality has to be restored as soon as possible.

Right, well, I'll have a word with the school principal, you know.

I kind of have an "in" there now, you know.

Great stuff.

Oh, and Maura, cracking deal at the dry cleaners! Is that still going?

It is, if I'm there.

And, Bill, about the underpants display...

The secret is a sturdy, high-waisted jean.

Sturdy, high-waisted jean...!

-Hi, Laura.

-Hi.

My da's in there, talking to Jervis

seeing if he can get things back to normal.

But I like that you're not normal.

Eh! Thanks, Laura.

Hey, Laura!

Sometimes you smile at me weird and it makes me blush.

Sorry, Roy. I'll stop.

No. It's great!

I mean, I blushed just now and it went away. No big deal.

I guess it's just my parents

I have to worry about now!

Ha-ha! Hey...

No break-out! Go again! Ha-ha!

I'll think you'll be pleased with what I've done.

And it's important it looks good for the school.

Ah, Ms Jervis, the very woman!

Could I have a quick word with you, would you mind? Erm, I was just...

I was just thinkin' it might be good for Roy to, actually,

attend the barbecue.

-Really? Can we be sure he won't have another thingummy?

-Yes, we can.

And "Why?" I hear you ask.

Well, you were GOING to ask. I'm going to show you...

Watch this as I give you...

Ah... A-ha-ha...!

I give you - Barbecue...

I'll just leave that there.

Barbecue Bill's... INDOOR ALL-WEATHER Barbecue Barbecue!

NOISY MECHANICAL CLANKING

See, the key to it, now,

is the extractor fan!

Cos that takes all the smoke out,

enabling everyone to enjoy some clean air and some good food!

-It's a little noisy!

-It's TOO little?

-Well, I mean I could put it...

-It's too noisy!

I would say so, yeah. Probably green. Erm, wait, wait...

-SWITCHES OFF MACHINE

-Sorry, but I can't hear you.

I'll have to do something about that noise.

-Oh, it does look like fun, though.

-Well...

Certainly looks newsworthy.

But I don't think it's a good idea to have Roy still around.

Right, right. Excuse me, just for one second, Derek.

Just imagine how proud Roy would be,

if he saw his da firing this thing up!

I mean, it would be the opposite of embarrassing.

Is there an opposite of embarrassing?

Let's find out.

-OK, Roy can attend.

-Brilliant.

Eh, spanner. THE SPANNER! Get me the spanner.

Here, plug that in, will ya?

Plug... Just under the thing, where the wires are.

Yep, just plug...

UNDERNEATH THE THING! Plug it in!

-We both have a lot riding on this Mr O'Brien.

-Oh, yeah.

I still think it would be best if Roy stayed at home.

Listen, Derek.

There will be zero embarrassments.

I give you the word of Barbecue Bill himself.

LAUGHTER NEARBY

Your Da licking up to Hammo.

How embarrassing is that?

Priceless! Priceless!

Deadly.

I'm calm and still and still I'm calm.

Ha! Your Da left Hammo with a high-five!

Oh, nice save, Roy's Da. Yeah.

I did it! I beat the blush!

Great news, Roy.

You have just been invited to the world's least-embarrassing barbecue.

Thanks, Da! It's...

priceless.

It's deadly.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

'It's Saturday and the Sandyford community

'gather to enjoy the school barbecue.'

All right, Dave. You know the deal.

We get a nothing piece of story like this

and maybe we get to cover some real news.

How's my forehead, all right?

Ah, Mr Murphy! Thank you for coming.

I just want to make sure we're absolutely clear

on the focus of this news story?

Oh, yeah, sure.

It's fun and frolics at the school barbecue, sort of thing.

Oh, it's much more than that.

No, this is the story about a man.

But not just any man...

A man of authority.

A man who isn't afraid to get his hands dirty.

And yet, a man who would make a great School Principal.

Let's hope the food isn't as greasy as that guy.

Do us a favour, son. Will you go and get us some more charcoal, please?

Yep.

Barbecue Bill, you're doing a marvellous job.

Thank you, Ms Jervis.

We've run out of charcoal.

But not to worry, we shall be up and grilling again before you know it.

-Would you like a burger?

-Yeah!

Oh.

Please, Da. Don't call the three-second rule.

Three second rule!

Don't say "granny...clean...dirt."

You know, my granny used to always say,

-"Sure, it's only clean dirt!"

-EXPLOSIVE WHOOSH

ROY COUGHS

That was the last bag of charcoal.

CUT! CUT!

It'll take half an hour to get more charcoal,

and even longer to heat it up.

I told all me mates I was going to be on the news,

and here I am, Barbecue Bill, and I've got a dead barbecue!

Da, my embarrassment has ruined too many things.

It's time I used it for a good cause.

A-ha!...

I think I'm thinking what you're thinking.

I really hope this works.

Less worrying. More blushing.

This is kind of embarrassing - what if someone sees us?

Ha! Brilliant!

Next!

I hear the hot dogs are good.

Two hot dogs, please.

Oh, hot dogs, right. I'd better get the buns out. Ha-ha!

I'd better get the... Doesn't matter.

Now here we go. Oh...

Oh, three-second rule, son?

You can't beat the classics! Nice one, Da!

Now, there we are, love. Oh, mind yourself!

Here you are. Ha-ha...!

LIVELY CHATTER

Nice one, son. Now we're smokin'!

Oh, I'm losing me glow!

Quick, Da! We need something big!

I hoped it wouldn't come to this.

Come to what?

What are you doing?

Da!

You'll need some footage of me serving at my grill.

Shoot from anywhere. I don't have a bad side.

So, this is my special indoor grill,

which I knocked together. The secret is in the extractor fan.

-Derek, we're supposed to be having fun!

-Ms Jervis, I'm busy right now.

If I hear that word "fun" one more time, I'll burst into flame...

What's happened to the flames?

Aw, I've ruined it for everybody.

My embarrassment has ruined the barbecue.

-CHEESY DANCE MUSIC

-Watch this.

How you doin'?

Wait... What's that music?

Ah! Da...!

Dancin'?! NO...!

Aw, no!...

HE GULPS LOUDLY

DAAAAA...!

It's a good thing Roy's not here to see this!

Aw, he's dancing with me friends!

Two burgers served with relish!

Where are you going? No, no, stay with me...

I'm the story, here!

Aw, no!

I'm still, calm and me... Eh. I'm still...

Am I calm?! Aw, how does it go, again?!

Ms Jervis.

Ah, no! No, no, no...!

No, not Mrs Jervis, too!

AW, DAAAAAD...!

I think I over did it a bit, there!

-You're kidding me! We're just getting started!

-No, No, I don't...

Must...think...of... something...else.

Oh, no. Not that!

Pleeeease!

-Get a shot of this.

-Don't film that!

Sorry! Can't help it!

AW, NOOOO...!

LOUD EXPLOSION

Signing off from the Sandyford Progressive Community

Barbecue with, eh...

-Barbecue Bill.

-..the creator of, eh...

..the All Weather Indoor Barbecue, Barbecue Bill.

..and Vice Principal Derek Hammond,

a man who's not afraid to get his hands dirty.

-This is Adam Murphy...

-And Barbecue Bill.

-..Channel 78,

-barbecued.

-Bill.

HE GULPS

Well, all in all, that could have gone worse.

You were great. I'm never going to be embarrassed by you again.

Well, you know what, we all get embarrassed by each other sometimes.

What? Do I embarrass you?

-Pfffff...!

-Just...

Just every now and then.

Only once in a while.

Yeah, like most days, really.

Anyway, don't embarrassing things turn into funny stories,

that you look back on?

Yeah!

Here's to the O'Briens -

the most embarrassing family in all of Sandyford!

THEY ALL CHEER