Going Ape ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house,

'on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is, he doesn't LOOK very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

ROY!

He-he!

-Bill.

-What?

-What on earth are you looking for?

-Ah, I dropped me sausage.

Oh, there it is. Roy, be a good man.

Will you pass me that sausage, like a good lad?

Roy? Hello?

You are not eating that. It's been on the floor!

-I'm only after having one sausage.

-No, Bill.

Are you all right, love? You haven't touched your breakfast.

I'm not hungry. May I be excused?

Of course, but bring a banana

and make sure you bring your towel. You've PE today, OK?

How could I forget?

DOOR SLAMS

-What's up with him?

-Who knows?

You know something? I use to love PE when I was in school.

They use to call me the king of the push-ups.

-You?!

-Push-ups?

Yes, push-ups! All right, I'll show you - look.

See, it's all in the - ahem - technique, you know.

-LAUGHING: Yeah.

-Well, we're waiting...

-Hold on a minute.

-Oh, my G...

Bill...tell me you're not eating that sausage from the floor.

-I am, yeah.

-He is.

-There's nothing wrong with it.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

This is going to be classic!

MR HAMMOND BLOWS WHISTLE

What are you waiting for, O'Brien? The next Olympics?

Just hurry up!

Aw, sir, I feel sick. Can I be excused?

Feeling sick in PE is becoming

something of a regular occurrence for you, O'Brien.

No, sir, I really do feel sick. Look!

What on earth? I don't want to know.

-You two, take O'Brien to the school nurse.

-Come on, Roy.

-Aw, sir!

-He's faking it!

-Make him stay!

Agh! HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Are you sure there's nothing else bothering you?

For the last time, it's just an upset tummy.

Look, I'm feeling better already!

Great, so I guess we can go back to PE, then?

-No! Wait!

-What's the matter?

I knew it.

All right, all right, so I'm not really sick. It's PE.

Just the thought of it has me stomach in knots.

-I know exactly how you feel.

-You do?

Of course.

You think any of us want to see Hammond in those tracksuit bottoms?

They're so high... so impossibly high.

It's not Hammond's tracksuit bottoms that are bothering me!

It's Deco and his mates. They're always making fun of me.

-Is it really that bad?

-Are you kidding?

WHISTLE IS BLOWN

Now, children, I doubt it has escaped your notice

that I'm in perfect physical shape.

This Herculean frame...

JOINTS CRACK

..is no fluke, however.

Today I will be showing you the safe and correct way to use weights.

I thought I told you to get the weights?

I-I asked Roy to get them, sir.

Laziness is the enemy of fitness, Declan! So where is O'Brien?

Right here, sir.

And the weights?

Right here, si...

PUPILS LAUGH

MR HAMMOND GROANS

I thought those guys didn't bother you. You always laugh it off.

I thought if I pretended I didn't mind, they'd stop.

So I'm a cartoon - big deal! What did I ever do to them?

That's it! I'm going back to that gym to sort out those creeps.

No! Don't make a big deal out of this.

-But it IS a big deal.

-Please?

Fine.

But if you won't let us help you, you need to talk to someone -

-your parents or Miss Jervis.

-No chance! It's too embarrassing.

Look, the school is a jungle

and Deco is the king of that jungle - end of.

Deco? "King of the jungle"?

He's more like a gorilla than a lion.

Yeah, well, I wish I was a gorilla. He wouldn't mess with me, then.

Ahh, that's why the nurse needed me Book of Knots. Let's go.

SHE CHAPS DOOR

-How's the belly, Roy?

-Empty. But not for long.

PHONE RINGS

MORE PHONES RING AND PUPILS LAUGH

This should be good!

-What's wrong?

-Nothing.

Yeah, it was nothing.

PHONE RINGS

-Here we go.

-Abby, no!

-What?

-All right, sorry, but it is funny.

You've got to do something, Roy. You can't just ignore this.

Don't worry, I have a plan. I'm going to keep

the head down until they forget about me. Genius!

I'm don't think doing nothing is considered a plan.

Guess what?

Don't tell me, you're on another crusade to save the world?

No, I'm on a crusade to save the animal shelter.

-They're shutting it down.

-That's terrible. Why?

Lack of funding.

But I spoke to Miss Jervis and she's agreed to hold

a fundraising event in the school on Sunday.

I'm in. So, what do we have to do?

I've got a few ideas...

The world's not a perfect place, even Abby will tell you that.

What do you mean, "even Abby will tell you that"?

But when I see something wrong, I don't sit around complaining.

Are you sure?

I get involved! I mean, imagine the world with no animal shelters.

All those poor animals with nowhere to go,

just running wild and free.

-Wouldn't that be a good thing?

-What?!

Aren't animal's suppose to run wild and free?

No. Well, yes. But no!

Look, nobody asked you, Abby.

Anyway, the balloon shop already gave us some free stuff.

When I first mentioned the fundraiser to Dr Raschid,

he didn't seem interested at all.

Yeah, well, you know, not really an animal kind of person.

Or a person's person, personally.

Yeah, but once I told him how much it meant to the kids,

he changed his mind.

Turns out I do have a heart, after all,

which I should know, cos I'm a doctor. Get it? Doctor?

HE GIGGLES

FORCED LAUGHTER

Er, the ears.

Yeah, and once I told him how hard the kids were working,

making banners, making T-shirts, blowing up balloon...

-Cupcakes.

-Sorry?

The cupcakes. You said they were making cupcakes.

I mean, not that it matters,

but you DID say they were going to be making cupcakes, you know.

-Did I?

-Yes, you did.

Cupcakes.

Have a biscuit while you're waiting for...

Nah, I'll save myself for the cupcakes.

Cupcakes...

'Sunday has arrived

'and there's great excitement surrounding the fundraising event.

'Many of the children have turned up to do their bit.'

I've made my own T-shirts and badges,

which I'll be selling to raise money.

And I've set up...

a shooting gallery!

All you have to do is knock off one of the stuffed animals

and you win a cupcake.

I'm not sure that shooting animals

sends out the right message for an animal charity.

I'm making balloon animals.

It's harder than I thought, but I'm getting the hang of it.

I've made...

a worm...

..panda's big toe...

and panda's other big toe.

Hey, I'm not finished!

The animal charity means a lot to us, so we're doing all we can to help.

Me and Abby are going to be face-painting. The kids love it.

Yeah. I've always felt young children should get a feel for

wearing make-up as early as possible.

And that's really what today is all about - the kids.

-It's for the animals.

-Don't call them that.

'With everything in place,

'the children wait for the public to arrive.'

What's that?

Either an emperor penguin or a blue-winged goose.

What does a blue-winged goose look like?

No idea. What does an emperor penguin look like?

You might as well have these, there's nobody out there.

Thanks, Niall.

This is a disaster.

If people don't start showing up soon, we'll never raise the money!

I know what might cheer you up.

Thanks so much for coming.

I'm afraid there hasn't been much of a turn-out.

Aw, not at all, Miss Jervis.

I'm afraid Bill had to work today, but I managed to recruit

Dr Raschid instead.

Oh, that's so good of you, doctor, and on your day off too.

Ah, well, you know, anything for the cupcakes. Or the animals!

-Anything for the animals.

-Oh, hello, boys!

Good to see you.

Well, miss, when it comes to charity...you can always count on us.

How is painting my face as a tiger supposed to cheer me up?

It's fun!

And what am I supposed to be?

A gorilla, obviously.

BOYS LAUGH Roy.

Didn't you have enough make-up to paint him like a real boy?

If you're not going to buy anything, Deco, go home.

Well, I was going to buy this... but then it burst.

She said...go...HOME!

LAUGHING: Whoa! This cat's got claws, lads!

- Better do as the tiger says. - Don't mind them, Roy.

ROY MIMICS A GORILLA

Roy?

This can't be good.

Oooh-ooh-ooh. Ah-ah-ahhh!

What's gotten into him?!

-It has to be the paint.

-I've had some make-up malfunctions

in my time, but nothing like this.

We need to get him back down here and wash it off - now!

How does this work?

Well, it's the same basic design as the mega-squirter...

Oh, I am so terribly sorry! I'm such a klutz!

Honestly, the trigger on these things is way more sensitive

than you'd think. I mean, I barely touched...

-I'm dreadfully sorry.

-No, no, no!

I've got another two cupcakes that say you can't hit Miss Jervis too.

Make it four and you've got a deal.

Done. And, doctor... make it look like an accident.

No problem.

ROY SCREECHES

-Here, Roy!

-Come on down, Roy!

Maybe I should have made him a puppy.

It's a bit late for that! We need to fix this before...

-SCREECHING CONTINUES

-Uh-oh.

PUPILS SCREAM

Now what?!

-Sorry.

-SHE WHISPERS

O'Brien! What in the blue blazes is going on?

He's just getting into the spirit of things, sir.

You know, trying to see things from the animal's perspective.

Role play!

Well, I for one am delighted to see one of my students

expressing himself so freely...

..although now we may be bordering on the inappropriate.

OK, that's enough, Roy. Stop it, Roy.

Roy! Stop it!

Roy, stop that this instant or I'll have you suspended!

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Unhand me, boy!

Unhand me!

MUFFLED SHOUTS

Roy? Roy, what are you doing?! Stop it at once!

Listen to your mother, Roy.

I've never seen such a senseless waste of cupcakes.

PUPILS LAUGH

Lads, I've got them.

Did you not have enough to paint him like a real boy?

HE ROARS

BOYS SCREAM

-Where's Roy?

-Oh, he's gone berserk.

He's chasing Deco, Hendley and Fagan into town.

Would someone mind telling me what exactly is going on here?

There's no time for that. We need to find Roy, and fast.

-And we're going to need these.

-Well, let's go!

MR HAMMOND: Wait! Come back here! Wait!

And so, for Property Report, this is Adam Murphy saying,

if you're looking for a peaceful place to live,

you need look no further than the sleepy suburb of Sandyford...

BOYS WAIL

ROY SCREECHES

It's your man off the... Hey, Adam Murphy, yeah? Property Report?

I don't believe it, that's my favourite show.

Oh, you're... OK. I'd just like to say, er,

if I'm watching the repeat of this next Wednesday,

a big hi to myself. Hi!

Oh, for God's sake!

Get the van, Dave!

BOYS: Agh!

Oooh-ooh-ooh!

THEY PANT

What's wrong with him?!

I mean, what did I ever do to make him so, so mad?

Well you DID burst his emperor penguin.

AND you're always picking on him in the class.

-And in the yard.

-And in the gym.

-And when you...

-All right, enough! I get it.

-Ooh-ooh-ooh!

-He's coming!

HIGH-PITCHED: Go away!

Now just calm down.

CAMERA CLICKS

ROY GROWLS

Stop it, you're scaring Roy!

Is that his name - Roy? Roy, Adam Murphy, Channel 78. Hi!

We just have a couple of questions we'd like to ask you.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Roy! Over here, Roy!

OOH-OOH-OOH!

ROY SCREECHES

-Let me through, I'm a doctor!

-I'm a mother!

Wow. There's something you don't see every day.

I don't know what's got into him. Is there anything you can give him?

I've a banana back in the car.

Put away your cameras, you're frightening him. Please!

She said put them away!

CLICKING STOPS

Roy, it's me, Tara.

I know you're feeling angry and frustrated with those bullies.

But no-one wants to see you get hurt.

This is what happens when you keep your problems bottled up inside.

Sooner or later they're going to get too big to handle.

OK, nobody expected you to turn into a gorilla,

but it was only a matter of time before things got out of control.

-What's she talking about?

-Who cares? Did you get the bit with the plane?

Yeah.

I don't know what's been going on, love,

but Tara's right. There's nothing so bad that it can't

be figured out by your family and friends.

-So why don't you come down and we can sort it all out together?

-Yeah.

BOYS SCREAM AND ROY SCREECHES

The first thing we need to do is get you back to your old self.

I'm sorry.

Lads...just do it.

What have I done?! Roy, say something, anything!

Aw, I've got water up my nose.

You've really done it this time, O'Brien.

I'll make sure you never set foot inside the school again!

I had him.

As far as the school legal system is concerned,

force-feeding a vice-principal cupcakes is grounds for expulsion.

Seriously, look it up.

This stunt was such a novel way of drawing attention

to your school's animal shelter charity.

Was it your idea or the school's, Roy?

What stunt?

Very good. And where exactly do you go to school?

Oh, well I started this year in Sandyford Progressive Learning,

and me vice-principal, Mr Hammond,

that's him over there, he told me that I was...

-That I couldn't be more proud of O'Brien.

-MUFFLED:

-Get off!

I mean, Roy. In fact, I was, er, principal at Roy's last school.

We go way back.

I like to think of us as something of a team.

MUFFLED SHOUTS

Yes, Roy. I guess you could say... we're buddies.

ROY SHOUTS ANGRILY

I was so close!

SO close.

HE SOBS

To be honest, Adam, this whole business

came as a complete surprise to me too.

The children have obviously been benefiting greatly

from Expressions. That's what I call

my interpretive dramatics programme. Ahh!

Oh, sorry! My fault!

This is Adam Murphy, for Channel 78.

Turns out everyone thought the whole thing was

a big publicity stunt for the animal shelter.

So I didn't get into any trouble.

Love, why didn't you tell us you were being bullied?

I don't know.

I guess I felt like a bit of a loser.

What are you talking about? That's not being a loser!

A loser is someone who bullies other people to

feel better about themselves. Am I right, Maura?

That's right, love. But you won't have to worry about them any more.

Miss Jervis promised me she'd sort it all out in the morning.

Ah! Ma, Miss Jervis?!

What did you have to go and tell her for?

Well, it's hardly a secret - we just watched the highlights on telly!

It's for the best, son.

She's trained to deal with things like this.

Ah, but...Miss Jervis. Can't you just tell me what to do?

Yeah, yeah. Er...Bill?

-Me?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, aw, no problem.

You see, all you do, is that, er... you stand up for yourself.

Yeah. But no fighting. And, er, try make friends with them.

Definitely. Yeah, definitely.

But it's probably best to stay out of their way.

So fight back without fighting...

and get close to them but stay away from them?

Yeah...thanks.

Might just hear what Miss Jervis has to say in the morning.

-That would probably be best.

-I think so, love.

Becky, listen, your brother's after having a very big day,

-you wouldn't get him a biscuit, would you, love?

-A biscuit?

Why are you being so nice to him?

He nearly got expelled from school today.

If I put on gorilla make-up and go mad in the park,

can I have a biscuit too?

Becky, you know how we feel about you wearing too much make-up.

Ugh!

BILL WHISTLES

I'm not looking forward to this. Me ma talked to Jervis.

So I'll give you one guess what this is about.

Cheer up, Roy. I've already sorted it.

You have? How?

Yesterday, when Deco ran off in the park crying like a baby,

I filmed the whole thing!

I showed it to him on the bus this morning.

You should have seen his face!

I told him if he never bothered you again, I'd think about

-not sending it around the school.

-Let me see that.

I thought I told you to back off.

Yeah. About that. Listen, Roy, I know I've been a little...

not nice lately. But if anybody sees that video...

Relax. I've deleted it.

-BOTH:

-What?! Why?!

Because it was making US the bullies.

And now, thanks to you, I know what it's like to be cyber-bullied.

And I'd never do it to anybody - not even you.

OK. I get it, you're right.

But did you have to delete all my videos?

My granny's birthday was in there!

I bet you're wondering, "What are we doing in the canteen, huh?

"Has Miss Jervis gone mad?"

Please, call me Jane.

Now, I want you to forget that I'm your principal.

Forget that you're in school and just relax. Breathing in, everyone.

SHE BREATHES IN DEEPLY Good, and letting go.

Philip, put your shoes on. You're in school, for goodness' sake.

Good. Let's talk. What do you like to talk about?

-Football?

-Football.

-Movie stars?

-Movie stars.

-Did someone say bullying?

-No. No-one said bullying.

And that's the problem. We don't talk about it. Good point, Sean.

Well, I'm going to start by getting each of you to say

something nice about the person sitting next to you...

and then giving them a...hug.

PUPILS: Ohh!

Who wants to start?

Anyone? Right here?

-Miss.

-Yes, Declan.

I... I-I think...Roy...

-Yes?

-..is good with phones.

Good with phones? Well, I see.

OK, not quite what I was going for, but...

SHE LAUGHS

You think you could help me delete a couple videos?

PHONE BLEEPS

You have a whole folder of videos called "Roy"!

Yeah. You can delete those. I won't be needing them.

Aren't you forgetting something, Declan?

Forget it. I'm not hugging no-one.

OK. Would anyone else like to...?

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Miss Jervis actually made some good points in there...eventually.

Yeah. Like "telling isn't tattling"

and "not telling anyone is the bully's greatest weapon".

And how standing up for yourself doesn't mean fighting.

Actually, that was a pretty good class.

Maybe for you. You didn't have to hug Sean.

-It's your own fault for liking me so much.

-Listen, Roy.

So I've been thinking, maybe we should call a truce for a while.

If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were sorry.

Don't kid yourself. I just don't...

EVER want to end up in a situation with Hendley hugging me.

-But that was a nice moment.

-Does someone need a hug?

No!

He's putting up the walls again.

This is exactly what Jane was talking about.

-You think he's learned his lesson?

-Nope. But I've learnt mine.

Next time something's bothering me, I'm telling somebody straightaway.

Actually, there's something bothering me.

-What's that?

-Have you noticed how you hardly

-ever see bees any more?

-Oh, no - no more crusades.

But we need to raise awareness.

-So I was thinking, "What if we paint Roy up as a bee?"

-No.

-Don't worry, you haven't heard the best bit.

-ALL: No!

We can sell the honey Roy produces and use the money to...

ALL: NO!