Roy Junior ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is, he doesn't look very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in, but it's very hard to

'stay out of trouble when you're a cartoon.'

Roy!

Ah!

Roy!

Roy!

Roy!

Ha-ha!

'It's a usual morning at the O'Brien household...

'Well, as usual as things can be.'

Roy, come on. We trust you to wake yourself up

and you're already running late, five minutes ago.

OK, start the car running!

Whoa!

Is getting ready on the stairs really worth

the extra few minutes in bed?

You're just jealous that you didn't think of it first.

That's a fair point. Do you want a hand getting in the car?

Don't worry about it, love.

I'm sure we can find a better photo to replace it with.

I wouldn't count on it.

Come on, you.

ROY WHIMPERS

Family album... never been our strong point.

At least we're consistent, though.

When people ask me why we don't have many up,

I always say they got destroyed when the basement was flooded.

And...they tend not to notice we don't have a basement.

Listen, Roy,

you're going to have to start acting a bit more carefully

-around the house.

-What do you mean?

Well, let's just say that your current level is hurricane.

All right? I'm going to need you to

downgrade it slightly to a tropical storm.

You want me to be like a tropical storm?

No, that, no... that's not what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is you're going to

have to start acting more responsibly.

What? I'm super-responsible.

Oh, yeah.

Ugh!

One Ballyfermot. Two Ballyfermot.

Three Ballyfermot. Four Ballyfermot. Five Ballyfermot.

That doesn't prove anything.

Well, in fairness to him, I normally get to 11 Ballyfermots.

-CHILDREN CHATTER

-OK, OK, settle down, settle down.

Now, today isn't going to be your average experiment.

In fact, some might go so far as to call it an EGGS-per...

Yes, Mr Lucey's right, this is no ordinary experiment. Now...

the class is going to be divided into pairs

and each given the job of looking after one of these for a week.

Ha!

But, Miss, they're a bunch of eggs?!

So at the end of the seven days,

the best parenting duo is going to be given a special prize.

And, Niall, before you even ask...

Yes, it is an actual prize, donated by The Southside People Newspaper.

Now, Mr Lucey, I believe that you were dividing up the...

EGGS-periment!

Paul, I think it's just the list, there, when you're ready. The list.

The list, yeah, OK. So...

Gravity, we meet again, my old friend.

ELASTIC STRETCHES

-Sorry.

-It's all right.

-It's one of those...

I was up all night...doing it.

PAPER RUSTLES

Sir, is this the list?

Oh...yes. Thank you, Roy.

The list.

Now, lovely. OK, so, the partners are...

Do us a favour there, love, will you?

Keep next Saturday free, won't you?

Why? What you got planned?

That's for you to know and me to find out.

I'm guessing he meant that the other way around.

And the final three pairs are... Abby with Deco. Roy with Tara.

And last but not least... Niall and Sean.

Erm, Ms Jervis, I think that's actually...

Some of the most progressive thinking

I have ever seen at this school.

If only other teachers followed your lead.

Well...that's why I did it.

I mean, it's not every day you get to do an EGGS-per...

We heard the joke the first time. ROY LAUGHS

Yeah, laugh it up. We're not embarrassed.

Heads, you're mother, tails, I'm father.

Tara, you are happy we're together, aren't you?

Well, sure... It's just, sometimes you can be a little irresponsible.

You want me to be more like a tropical storm too?

Sure, yeah... Look, I'm going away this weekend with my family.

Why don't you look after the egg? You can prove me wrong.

Really? So you do trust me to look after him?

Well, seeing as I don't really have a choice, yeah, why not?

You won't regret this!

One Lionel Messi. Two Lionel Messi.

Three Lionel Messi. Four...

This still doesn't prove anything.

SHE SIGHS

So, er, how long are you going to keep it for?

Just a week. It's going to be a piece of cake.

Ah, Roy!

What? He was minding my seat for me.

Ma, when Roy breaks his egg tonight, can we use it to make pancakes?

Becky! Roy, how come they gave you such a dirty egg?

Oh, no, that's just because

me and Niall were playing catch with it on the way home.

What?

What?

You guys don't think I'm going to break him as well, do you?

Erm...Bill?

Listen to your mother.

Ugh! UGH!

-UGH!

-DOOR SLAMS

So just to confirm, that was a yes on pancakes later, was it?

Ma, when Roy breaks his egg tonight, can we use it to make pancakes?

I'm going to need you to downgrade it slightly to a tropical storm.

Sometimes you can be a little... irresponsible.

We'll show them just how responsible we can be, Roy Junior.

We'll show them all.

LOUD CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Ah! What in the name...?

-We're up! We're up!

-Ah!

ROY!

Maura!

Roy, can you please just turn that off?!

Shh. Can you keep your voice down, please?

What are you doing?

Playing classical music to Roy Junior.

Roy Junior?

Yeah, it's supposed to be good for his development.

Why, does deafening him boost his other senses?

It's five in the morning...

Look, from now on, why don't you use these instead?

We'll think about it.

Are you really sure we should be encouraging this?

Yeah, I think it's good. It shows he can handle responsibility.

-Roy, if you plug them in, it works better.

-Come on.

Aw, yeah. Thanks, Ma!

No problem.

THUD!

CLATTER!

-Roy, what is the meaning...?

-Shh.

-Roy, where is...?

-Don't.

Roy, do you know how the...? What?

How... Do you know how proud of you the both of us are?

That you're taking such an interest in this experiment.

Hey, you haven't forgotten

about Operation Portrait later on, have you?

Of course I haven't. Now can you go?

-I was just getting him settled down again.

-All right.

Now...

'Unknown to Maura, Operation Portrait is the imaginative name given

'to a plan that Bill has been hatching for the last few days.'

Becky, you look...nice.

Happy anniversary, love.

Er, it's not our anniversary.

No. No, I knew that... but here's a present for you anyway.

Oh, thank you.

-An hour in a photography studio?

-Yep. You see, now you'll be able to

have that family portrait you always wanted.

At least, one you'd be able to hang up in the hall,

without being embarrassed.

-Becky's even been practising her smiles. Show her, Becks.

-Oh.

-Oh, wow...lovely.

-Yeah. Knockout.

But what about, you know who?

Roy!

Aw!

Oh, you are the best husband ever.

Well, you're not wrong, you know.

Now, go on and put your glad rags on, go on.

-You're welcome.

-Ha-ha!

Does his bow-tie look straight to you?

Oh, right, he's coming as well, is he?

Well, duh, it's a family portrait.

Now, just to, er, warn you, we're not, er...

we're not the most traditional-looking family unit.

It's OK, er, her smile's a bit weird but, er...

you'll be fine.

No, no, er... I wasn't talking about her...

Da, you left Roy Junior in the car.

Ha, yes, I was referring to the cartoon boy wheeling in an egg.

OK. OK, O'Brien family, let's get into formation.

Make sure you get a shot of his good side, now.

OK, we'll go on three. One, two, three.

OK, I've done my weekend shift with Beyonce. It's your turn.

BOY LAUGHS

What are you doing?

This is definitely going to get us that prize.

But it's bright pink.

I've a dark pink one if it suits better.

This isn't funny, OK?

Ah, O'Leary, Mother has the exact same handbag.

Yeah...

Deco!

OK, it's your turn to mind it.

My family's been laughing at me all weekend.

Why haven't we given it a name yet?

-We have. It's called The Egg.

-Catchy.

-Hey, just rise above it, will you?

-Why would I care what people think?

So the egg made it through the weekend?

Er, yeah, kept me up most of last night too.

HE YAWNS

Right, well, where is he?

I was supposed to bring him?

See, this is what I was talking about, Roy.

Bring him in tomorrow.

CHILDREN LAUGH

Aw, it's not fair to move you.

I mean, we're only just getting to know each other, right?

Yeah, that's exactly what I thought too.

Ha, come on.

NOSTALGIC MUSIC PLAYS

SIZZLING

Ma!

How could you do that in front of him??

It's fine, love.

-Roy, are you OK?

-EGGSHELL CRACKS

Am I OK? Am I OK?!

Look at him, he's a nervous wreck.

Roy, he's an egg, there's nothing wrong with him -

it's you we should be worried about.

I don't know, Ma,

looks like the first stages of post-traumatic stress disorder.

SHE SIGHS

After I look up what that means, we're taking you straight to court!

Yeah.

Thanks, Becky.

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

'Roy, unable to book time with the nurse,

'has decided to seek help elsewhere.'

Oh, come on, there must be something you can give him!

Bit of salt might do the trick?

SHE LAUGHS

Ah, come on, this is serious, people!

Everything OK with the egg, Roy?

Erm...yeah, of course it is.

Oh, silly me.

I must have forgot him again.

I have to run away now.

OK, just take deep breaths.

Tara, what are you doing here?

I'm taking the egg, Roy. Look at you, you're cracking up.

This stress isn't good for you.

I'm not stressed, it's called being responsible.

And you can't take him away from me.

He's in a delicate way at the moment.

You're the one in a delicate way.

And besides, what do you actually think will happen

when I take him?

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

WHISK WHIRRS

You really think I'd do that?

No.

I'm taking him, Roy.

No...oh, no, no, wait!

I've a better idea. Why don't we let HIM decide?

Let's both call him, and the one he goes to

gets to keep him. Come here... come on. Come here, Roy Junior.

Ha-ha, I knew you wouldn't let me down.

ROY!

So, while we're all really proud of Roy's commitment to the

experiment, we all agreed it might be best for everyone

if he spent the night at Niall's.

That means she kicked him out.

But thankfully, Becky here has volunteered to babysit.

She forced me to.

PHONE RINGS

No, Roy, I'm not getting him to say hi again.

Stop calling me.

In fairness, he did offer you babysitting money.

ANOTHER PHONE RINGS

Roy...

Three sweets and a hair bobbin,

which I'm pretty sure was mine anyway.

-I'm thrilled.

-Er, that means she's not thrilled.

A THIRD PHONE RINGS

Hey, Niall, can I borrow your house phone?

Don't tell me you're checking up on that egg again.

We've barely even seen you since he came along.

What? No! It's just...I want to ring my dad for the football scores.

OK.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Hey, Becky, it's me, I think we got cut off there.'

Listen, when you're putting Roy Junior to bed,

make sure he's warm enough.

Sure thing, Roy.

He's all tucked in now.

Good night, Niall.

Night.

Good night, Roy Junior.

HE HUMS

EGG SIZZLES

'After a night away, Roy is eager to reunite with his beloved egg.'

Good morning, Roy Junior...

BECKY!

What? Where's Roy Junior?

Are you blind? He's just...

Becky, where's Roy Junior?

I don't know, I left him there last night.

So you're saying he's...missing.

EGGSHELL CRACKS

Roy, just calm down. It's not that bad, OK?

I'm coming for you, Roy Junior!

Everything all right?

All right?

Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope.

-Er...he's about this big, and...

-CHICKENS CLUCK

Hey, I'm talking to you!

Ugh...

DOORBELL RINGS

I understand you're looking to report a missing person.

Can you describe the person to me?

Erm...OK.

Well, he's small...

brown...oval, he is...

Yeah.

No.

No.

No.

That's him!

That's him! Yeah.

We'll see what we can do.

Thanks, guys. I'll see you out.

Well, well, you're never going to guess who I found!

-Da...

-What?

That isn't him.

What? Yeah, yes, it is. Yeah, it is.

Look at all that painstaking detail around the eye.

Oh, it's useless. I'm never going to find him.

-All right, Roy. All right. It's...

-WATER RUSHES

..time that I told you a little something about Roy Junior.

He...he may have been involved in a snack-related accident.

-HE GASPS

-Roy Junior.

Look, when do you have to bring him back?

-Tomorrow.

-Right, well, I'll go and get some Sellotape.

There's no point, he's already broken.

-Not for him. For you.

-ROY WHIMPERS

Sellotape.

'And so, a petrified Roy brings his egg

'to the fateful day of the experiment.'

I particularly love this one. Amazing work on the egg, you two.

Yeah...I just think that he's teached us,

as much as we've teached him.

OK. So, next we have Roy and Tara...

-..rather, just Roy.

-HEARTBEAT THUMPS

Roy, your egg?

Eh...yeah, sure.

Erm...

Roy, what's going on?

Eh, it's just, you know...erm...

He's cracking up.

He's going to blow, sir.

-Students, duck and cover!

-THEY SCREAM

Hi, sorry I'm late.

Here's Roy Junior.

-Are we safe to come out?

-I think so.

Oh, wow...perfect condition. Congratulations, yous two.

Are you all right, Roy?

-Yeah. Ha-ha!

-EGGSHELL CRACKS

Sorry, I hated seeing how stressed you were getting,

so I switched eggs when I was over earlier in the week...

I didn't make things worse, did I?

Ah, sure, it was hardly any hassle anyway.

Well, we seem to be doing a lot better than anyone else.

Yeah. Ha-ha!

So, you're telling me that only two eggs came through the experiment?

Niall and Sean, what happened to yours?

Er...we must have left it at home.

Oh, right. So we come to the prizes.

The runners-up are... HE IMITATES A TRUMPET

Declan and Abby. Whoo!

Right, Mr Lucey, their prizes, if you please.

"EGG-cellence in EGGS-perimation"?

EGG-cellence in EGGS-perimentation, yes.

-I'll print one off for you tomorrow, Declan.

-No, you're grand.

And because of their clear level of care and worry, which only a real

parent could show, our special first prize goes to...

Tara and Roy. Whoo!

-TANNOY:

-Roy O'Brien! Come to my office, at once.

So, O'Brien... Care to explain this?

Right...

Well, I guess our new special prize-winners are Deco and Abby.

-Give it!

-No!

-I did all the hard work!

-Now, hang on, calm down.

-Stop it!

-EGG CRACKS

O'Leary!

Come on, sir. I didn't even mean it that time.

No, no. Now, hang on. Marks are docked

for throwing your children at authority figures, Declan.

Don't, don't! This is not finished, O'Leary.

I'll see you back in here later.

Wait! Wait! Why am I the one getting in trouble?!

They didn't even bring in their egg.

Oh, yeah? So what do you call... THIS?

Oh! Oh, would you believe it?

The only two to succeed are the two boys.

And I couldn't think of more fitting winners of our special prize.

So what's our prize?

Your photo is going to run on the front cover of the Southside People.

Isn't that great?

CAMERA CLICKS

We need to find every single copy of that paper.

'As the class comes to an end, so does the experiment.'

Roy, I'll be needing him back now.

Really? But...but, I...

Roy, you've given him a great start

but it's time to let him go.

Yeah, I know...

Well, I guess this is goodbye, Roy Junior.

Stay away from frying pans...and my da.

And don't feel like you can't visit...

Roy?

Bye-bye.

Well done. That must have been hard.

Ah, come on, Tara, it's just an egg.

Oh, hey, wait up, guys.

I haven't slagged you about your photo yet.

'And so life returns to normal in the O'Brien house.

'Well, normal apart from one small difference.'

Ha! Look at this.

-Believe me, I've had enough of that egg to do us for...

-No, no.

-No, look.

-Aw...

He must have got a new photo.

That is sweet.

Well, looks like eggs are back on the menu. Oh, yes!

You know, that was very good of you to do that for your mam.

You know, I never realised just how much work goes into being a parent.

-HE LAUGHS

-Yeah, well, in fairness, son,

I probably make it look an awful lot easier than it is.

Da, was I as much hassle as Roy Junior?

Well, if we compare Roy Junior to, let's say, a tropical storm...

I'm like a hurricane?

In monsoon season.

But you know what?

You're probably just about worth it.

Thanks, Da.

And in fairness, you're a lot more responsible than I was at your age.

Just out of curiosity, what did you do with that other picture?

Oh, I threw it out. It was just a silly experiment.

Oh, right. Roy, well, you could have fooled us, son.

Anyway, night, Roy.

Night, Da.

-Da?

-Yeah.

This is my room.

Oh, yeah. No, I knew that, I knew that.

Good night, Roy Junior.