Stupid Cupid ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is, he doesn't LOOK very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in,

'but it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

Roy!

ROY!

He-he!

'Everyone has an off day,

-'where they feel a little out of sorts.'

-Look!

'Poor Miss Jervis has had an off week.

'She isn't just a little out of sorts,

'she appears to be a lot out of sorts.'

SHE GASPS

Huh! She's been scatty all week - it's brilliant!

Ha-ha, I know.

Deco convinced her that we could dress up as anything we wanted.

Arr! That be true, me hearties!

You guys are cruel, taking advantage of her!

She must be upset about something.

Well, I'm going to make the best out of it!

Wait until you see my astronaut outfit - it's out of this world!

BELL RINGS

Ah, Miss Jervis! May I bring to your attention exhibit A?

Aw, Roy, what are you doing?

I'm a Roystronaut, Miss!

Oh, now, Roy, while I approve of your creative outfit,

-I'm afraid that you can't just...

-But Miss,

you told Deco that we could dress up yesterday. Do you not remember?

Did I? Oh, right. Probably did, yeah. Good.

Well, I never.

Right, O'Brien, I want you to get that thing off your head right now

or I'll give you so much homework you'll really be seeing stars!

-It's stuck!

-Come on, O'Brien.

Argh! Oh, I can't see!

Arrrgghhh! Help me! I'm... Oww!

-Calm down, O'Brien! Calm down!

-Get it off! Get it off!

-Relax!

-Get it off!

-Relax, O'Brien!

This blasted thing won't come off!

Arrrrgggh!

CRASH

Oh, phew.

Thanks, Sir!

Oh... oh. Argh.

-You all right, Sir?

-Roy!

I miss you, Pete. This is all my fault.

If I wasn't so busy with this school, I'd have you with me.

-I can't, this is too hard.

-SHE SOBS

Pull yourself together, Jane!

Poor thing!

Oh, sorry, Tara, didn't see you there. Come on in.

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just the permission slip from my Mam for the soccer camp.

-Good, good.

-You OK, Miss?

Yeah, mm-hmm. Fine. Thank you.

Miss Jervis is depressed because she split up with her boyfriend Pete.

-No way.

-Even worse, I think he ran away with her sister!

Oh, no! I've been messing all week

and she's been heartbroken!

-We warned you.

-Ugh, I feel awful!

Aw, poor Miss Jervis!

She's been so good to me ever since I arrived.

We have to cheer her up!

You boys should stay out of it. You'll only make it worse.

-Hey!

-I resemble that comment!

-Resent.

-Look, this is Jervis we're talking about.

This school is everything because of her.

She doesn't deserve to be sad.

We have to make this right.

It's too important!

This needs a girlie touch, Roy.

Well, you try your way and we'll try ours,

-then we're twice as likely to cheer her up! Yeah?

-Yeah.

Here she comes!

Em... Ahem!

-Oh!

-This is for you, Miss!

Sorry, Roy, I didn't see you there.

Just so you know, we think you're deadly.

A puppy...

-What just happened?

-Beats me.

Something has to be done!

I agree she's been a bit shaky lately but she just needs a bit of time!

She's not fit to be principal in the state she's in!

Lay off, Mr Hammond. You'd be the same if you missed someone you loved!

It's not my fault she couldn't keep Pete around.

And frankly, her personal life is not my problem!

She's so stressed she's talking about taking

an extended leave over this.

But of course you'd love that, wouldn't you, Principal Hammond?

How dare you suggest I'd use her pain for my gain!

You need to back off, Derek!

Jane doesn't need your nonsense on top of this.

Nonsense?! Nonsense?! Well...

-your hair is nonsense!

-HE SNORTS

Well, your face is nonsense!

Wow!

-At least I have hair!

-I heard that!

You should have seen them!

They were all like, "Your hair is stupid!"

HE SNORTS

"Oh, yeah, Well, your face is stupid!"

Priceless!

But the bad thing is,

Mr Lucey reckons that Miss Jervis is going to take extended leave

-cos of the whole Pete thing.

-What?

What if she decides to leave and never come back?

BELL RINGS

No, she can't leave us!

I can't imagine school without her.

Me neither. She's the best.

And guess who'll become principal if she does leave?

Hammo!

She can't go! She just can't!

I remember what it was like!

This is for you, Miss!

-We made you vouchers.

-Cos you're so nice.

And you're always working super hard to make the school brill!

Aw! "One hug voucher, to be used if feeling down.

"One manicure and polish, to make you feel special."

Abby does the best nails ever.

Girls, that is so nice. Thank you.

See, that's how it's done, fellas!

-SHE SOBS

-Pete! I miss doing your nails!

We made her even worse!

Wow, Pete should never have left her. She did his nails!

Ma always grosses out about cutting Da's toenails.

Chocolate is always good when you're feeling down.

Thank you.

I must say, you look really very, very stressed, Jane.

This whole Pete thing, wow.

I mean, if it were me, I don't know what I'd do.

I'd probably take an extended leave, I suppose.

Go home, sort things out, get Pete back.

Some things are more important than all of this.

We're more than just this school, you know?

We're people, with lives and loved ones

who need to be...well, loved.

And, you know, if you did decide to take leave,

you needn't worry. I will... Sorry, WE will

take care of the school when you're gone.

That is, you know, if you decide to go.

SHE SOBS

Maybe you're right, Derek. Maybe you're right.

Oh... There, there.

I... I didn't mean to upset you.

Um, actually, just forget everything I've just suggested.

Um, look, everything will turn out just fine.

-Do you really think so, Derek?

-Yes. Yes, of course.

Thank you.

I'm here for you.

Roy's freaking out about Jervis leaving.

We all are. I don't know what I'll do if she goes.

It's just too horrible to even think about.

We have to think about her. We have to do something.

I know, but what?

Cheering her up isn't working.

She's just too upset about her boyfriend.

Everything reminds her of Pete.

We need to find her a new Pete,

someone cool and deadly, and she'll be happy to stay!

No. No. Definitely no.

My Uncle's best mate, Jimbo the Hammer, would be perfect!

-He looks hard-core!

-Oh, he is.

You boys don't have a clue.

I've found him! The perfect match.

That's your man out of the Darkest Moon films.

Zach Morgan?

Yeah, I know, ha-ha!

What?

Becky says he's hot, Ma says he's lovely, so he's perfect!

Yeah, don't think he's going to come to the school just for a date, Roy.

But he's shooting a new movie in town.

I sent him a letter about how cool Jervis was and everything, so...

Now this fella is spot on.

He's my gymnastics coach's brother, Darren.

He looks like he works in a bank.

He does!

It's Miss Jervis we're trying to set up here.

OK, where's your solution?

I couldn't think of anyone good enough for her.

It would have to be someone Jervis is comfortable with.

Someone intelligent, good-looking, with similar values -

you know, recycling, progressive teaching...

-Thinks outside the box.

-Pffft.

That's a unicorn man - he doesn't exist.

There has to be someone, someone we're missing.

Bingo!

Aw, guys, he's perfect!

Put the fan and torch back, lads.

You know they're just for science class.

What? But Miss Jervis said we could!

See? Chaos!

Thank you! Thank you!

-What?! No, sir, but...

-No buts!

So how do we get Lucey and Jervis to like each other?

We'll have to make Jervis think that Lucey is being romantic.

Let her make the move.

Nice!

Cool. So what do we do?

Yeah?

Nothing. Just go read comics or something.

Yeah, this requires a special skill.

No way! Jervis means as much to us as you guys!

-Fine. Just don't mess things up!

-Yeah!

OK. So, how are we going to get Lucey and Jervis together?

Romance! It'll be easy.

You guys go home and watch as many romantic comedies as you can.

Rom-coms? Rom-com is the lowest form of film ever!

What are you going to do?

I'm going to go read all Becky's girls' magazines.

They always have stuff on the cover about finding that perfect guy

and ten awesome dates and stuff. Catch you later.

Operation kissy kissy is go!

-Sup, Roy.

-Hey, Roy.

-Hey, guys.

So, what did you guys figure out?

-Well, they all have the guys giving her flowers...

-And chocolates.

Although most of the women seemed to be eating ice cream and crying.

What did you find out?

Well, mainly that all these magazines are brutal.

What else? Erm... Oh, OK!

This is what I wrote down.

"Mood and lighting is important, mystery is vital..."

-Oh, and "scent is a powerful factor in romance".

-Scent?

Smelly stuff. See if you can borrow some perfume and aftershave.

I'll take care of the choccies.

Floral Bouquet. Granny loves it. Ma never uses it. No?

I got this cologne.

Dark Lion. Wow, sounds fancy.

Choccies and romantic lighting - check!

Does this smell of anything to you?

I read in a magazine about this cool French perfume called

Eau du Toilette.

Ma didn't have any, but Becky said that Eau du Toilette

was French for toilet water, so she made me some.

What? It's too strong?

OK, step one. Get in the mood for love! Ha.

Let the romance begin!

-Hi!

-Hi.

You smell like my gran!

And you smell like my Uncle Bob.

-I mean, Uncle Bob smelled great.

-Oh.

-Just going to go and...

-He really did.

(It's not working.)

Royster took out the light bulbs and put candles in there.

What for?

So the mood could be romantic for Lucey and Jervis during break.

FOOTSTEPS

Why is it so dark in here? Who turned out the light?

-CRASHING AND BANGING

-Ow!

That went well.

GIGGLING

Well done, lads. He really looks attractive now(!)

Jervis is bound to go for him.

Er... Maybe she'll feel sympathy for him and fall in love?

We warned you not to mess things up. She has to stay.

Relax! It was just to set up the mood.

Roy is about to break out the big guns - chocolates -

and then we'll seal the deal with the flowers.

These look super dodgy. "Choclets of Love..."

I hope they taste better than they're spelled.

It's all I could afford.

Where'd you get them?

The 50p shop. Two packets for the price of one.

They were out of date last year!

Aw, I don't have time for this! Just write the card, quick!

Erm... OK.

"To my sweet Jane, I want to be your snooki wooki Tarzan.

"Hope you think I'm cute. Kisses. Mr Lucey."

Are you serious?

It's all I have. Hurry!

"To my sweet Jane, I want to be your snooki..."

-She's coming!

-Quick!

Hey! I wasn't finished writing!

"To my sweet Jane, I want to be

your snooki wooki Tarzan. H..."

Oh, "H".

H, H. Who could that be?

I'm here for you.

Hammond. Oh...

-So, I thought those flowers were for Jervis?

-They are.

I put a card in them saying, "Special delivery for Miss Jervis."

What?

He'll think they got mis-delivered to his classroom

and then he'll send them up to Miss Jervis!

Don't get you.

She'll think he's giving her flowers.

Ohhhh, genius! Ha-ha.

And after the flowers and chocolates,

-she's bound to ask him on a date!

-Cool!

Oh, no.

Not...flowers! Aaa-choo!

Aaa-choo! A-choo, a-choo!

CRASH

Oh, stupid allergies!

Why me?

-Jane?

-Hi, are you on your own?

-Yeah.

I've had the worst day ever.

Oh, tell me about it.

Some idiot put flowers in my classroom.

Aaa-choo!

Oh...sorry! Sorry...

-No, no, it's OK. It's all right.

-It's just my allergies.

I found a box of chocolates in my office from...

-Hammond.

-What?!

He wants to be my snooki wooki Tarzan. I know.

That two-faced liar!

You know, yesterday he was saying he wanted you out of the school

and all this while he was trying to get you to go on a date with him!

I was so stressed out I ate the entire box of chocolates,

which were manky. They tasted like...

SHE PASSES WIND

PFFFRRT!

-I... I think I'm going to go and do...

-Please do.

..that thing I was going to do, erm...outside.

-Argh!

-Oh!

-PFFFRRT!

-Oh! It must be the chocolates...

Ohhh! Ah!

Any second now, they're going to come out hand-in-hand,

-all thanks to...

-Me.

..Doctor Love!

Jervis and Lucey, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Move! Move! Ohhhh...

Get out of my way!

Awww, what's that smell?! Ugh...

Aw, that's disgusting!

Oh, sorry, people, I claim that one. Bit of a dodgy curry last night.

-I think I'm going to be sick!

-My eyes!

Gross!

Run! Move, Roy!

HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES

How dare you,

you two-faced so-and-so!

What?!

Pretending you were trying to get rid of her,

and all along you were trying to steal her.

I've done nothing but try to console her.

Exactly! Console her away from me!

Have you gone absolutely mad, man?

Oh, I'm mad all right! Mad at you, you sneaky...beaked...

..sneaky thing!

-What are you talking about, Mr Lucey?

-Jane!

You want...

Aahhh-chooooo!

Oh! Oh, all right!

How dare you!

THEY CHANT: Fight! Fight! Fight!

Oh, no!

What are you two doing?! Stop this at once!

He's gone absolutely mad! He said I was trying to woo you!

Argghhhhh!

Wait, but didn't you leave chocolates in my office?

Admit it! You want to be her snooki wooki Tarzan!

Has everyone here gone mad?!

What are you two talking about? Snooki wooki what?!

I'd expect this kind of shenanigans from Roy but...

Er...sorry?

Roy, what were you thinking?

You were just so sad, Miss, and we wanted to cheer you up

but everything reminded you about your ex-boyfriend.

Then we thought all you need is a new boyfriend,

then we saw Mr Lucey and we thought...

Wait, wait, wait. Boyfriend? What are you talking about, boyfriend?

Pete! Tara heard you on the phone

telling Pete you missed him and you were sorry!

THEY BURST OUT LAUGHING

Pete's her dog, Roy!

Yeah, he was sick and he needed full time care,

so he's staying at my sister's. But then, he misses me so much,

so I call her up and she holds up the phone to his little ear.

Oh! That explains why you miss doing his nails.

Well, I'm so sorry, Miss.

We just didn't want you sad and we were scared you'd quit

and leave us here with...

..out your smile! Ha-ha!

I was thinking of quitting, just so I could spend more time with Pete

while he was getting better, but I could never leave here.

Aw, phew!

Yeah, how could I leave here,

when I've got such sweet students who care about me?

I am the luckiest Principal...

-HER STOMACH RUMBLES

-Ohhh... excuse me, sorry.

Must go. Move!

She's obviously emotional.

Phew. That all worked out.

Wait... What's that smell?!

Ah, here, Mr Lucey! Not again!

Aw, Lucey! Aw, that's not even funny!

Mr Lucey!

I can't believe you're eating those chocolates.

I had a spare box. What was I supposed to do, throw them away?

Wait, guys...

One, two, three!

Ha-ha! Woohoo!

OK, just tell her how you feel. What have you got to lose?

Just ask her out. OK.

Yep?

Hey.

This is the place.

Ahem. Miss Jervis... Oh, no, I sound like a judge.

Hi! Jane, right? Yeah, listen, babe,

your student Roy sent me a letter and your photo.

You're smoking hot, so...

Wow. Brutal. Come on, Zach, get it together.

Hi, I'm Zach.

Roy told me all about the great work you're doing here.

I love to give back to the community whenever I can,

so I just had to come down and see for myself and say well done.

Maybe I could show my appreciation by taking you out to dinner?

Perfect.

OK, Miss Jervis...here I come.

Jervis doesn't have an iron stomach like mine!

No chocolate can beat the Roytron!

Ha-ha-ha. I'm invinc...

-HIS STOMACH RUMBLES

-Oh...

Oh, no, this can't be good!

Run!

THEY SCREAM

Whoa, easy! Autographs one at a time.

There's plenty of ink for everyone!

ROY PASSES WIND

Ah, that's better!

Ack! Can't breathe!

HE COUGHS AND GAGS

Aw, that smell, it's following me!

That is so weird.

There's a guy running up the road with no shirt on

and he's the spitting image of Zach Morgan.

If only. Zach Morgan, total babe.

Oh, sorry, you were going to ask me something?

Oh, yeah, no, er... No, it's nothing. Just a crazy idea.

Might ask you again another time.

OK.

So out of my league.

He's such a strange one.

Strange, but cute.