Roy's Terrible Twos ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is, he doesn't LOOK very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

Roy!

ROY!

He-he!

It's Saturday afternoon in the O'Brien household,

and time for the weekly chores.

-Bill.

-Yeah?

How come every weekend I end up doing the housework?

It's my weekend too.

-I do my share.

-Er, how?

-Well, it's all about getting a work-life balance, isn't it?

-Bill.

Right.

Your turn to clean the bathroom.

Sure I hardly use it.

-And you're going to need a plunger.

-OK!

Becky, Roy!

Bad news, lads, you drew the short straw.

Aw, no, not the bathroom!

Oh, yes, the bathroom.

And don't stick the plunger on your head again, Roy.

-Remember the last time?

-I've got a geography test.

He-he, yeah, right!

I do! On the patterns of development of stratocumulus clouds.

Oh, right, that one, yeah. Well, you're probably better off

having a break, love, you don't want to burn yourself out.

The cleaning stuff's under the sink in there.

HE SNORES

SHE SIGHS

-Argh!

-Ha-ha-ha.

-ROY!

Is that dad's hairbrush?

Ha, it's alive!

Hey, what's going on here?

HE GROANS

I feel really sick but Becky's making me do all this work.

He's such a liar! He's done nothing so far.

HE COUGHS

I think you'd better have a little lie down, love.

Becky can finish off here.

-I've a geography test.

-Since when?

-I'm serious!

-See you later, love.

-Hang on. Where are you going?

-Supermarket!

That fridge won't fill itself, you know.

-Ugh.

-Come on, little man. Let's get you into bed.

I love being little.

Ha-ha-ha.

Spicy Mexican pizza, my favourite.

We should let Da do the shop every week.

-All right there, love?

-Yeah...

-I just got a bit of chilli.

-Oh, right. Becky, water, quick.

-Let Roy do it. He does nothing.

-That's not true!

I'm going to help you out with this, Ma.

Roy?

HE WHIMPERS

Eurgh, disgusting, Roy.

I'm going to go out and get some air.

Bring me out a glass of water, love.

And clean up when you're finished for a change.

OK!

Right, you two, you heard your mother.

You two are going to clean up when we're finished, all right?

Da, it's not fair. Just cos he's the baby!

You know, I was the same when I was a baby.

Always getting away with things.

-You still do.

-Bill! The water, now!

-Yeah!

She hasn't been in a mood like that since she was expecting you.

You couldn't talk to her for the entire nine months.

-HE BURPS

-Ha-ha-ha. Aw, deadly.

What do you want?

Listen, I just thought you should know. Ma's having a baby.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rewind there. Ma's having a what?

A baby. But I don't think we're supposed to know.

You're just trying to wind me up. No, she's not!

Suit yourself.

But from what Da says, your days of being the little man are over.

'For today's history lesson,

'Mr Hammond has gone back to the Dark Ages.'

Dublin has a rich Viking heritage

dating back to the early...ninth...

century. The Vikings first arrived here

in boats called longships.

What's that? Is that a banana, sir?

No, it's not a banan... Oh, right.

Oh, God. Er... It's a...

There. All right? Happy?

Longship.

THEY BURST OUT LAUGHING

It's not that funny!

There.

Right, look, let's move on, shall we?

Quieten down.

This is torture, Paul!

Really? I feel the same, I've...

He is crushing them with facts and figures. Look!

Yes. Yes, he certainly has an old-fashioned teaching style.

And no place in a school like this.

I want fire in my teachers, Paul. I want passion!

Clonmacnoise, or as some people would say, Cluain Mhic Nois.

Important dates... 1041.

Now, write it down, everybody.

Hey!

Roy!

I just think the kids would benefit from a more modern approach.

Miss Jervis, Miss Jervis. I think you'll find

I'm as modern as the next man.

Right. Well, maybe we could put more emphasis on fun and interaction.

-Miss Jervis.

-HE CHUCKLES

I made up a little saying once.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

SHE COUGHS

Think about it.

Thank you, Derek.

Bill? Do you need anything recycled?

There's a charity van doing the rounds.

Hi, love.

-Mr Bear!

-Aw, to think you used to fit into this.

Still, isn't it great to know another little fella's

going to get wear out of this?

-No! He's not having it, it's mine!

-Roy!

And he's not having Mr Bear, either.

-ECHOING:

-"Ma's having a baby."

"Isn't it great to know another little fella's

"going to get wear out of this?"

"Your days of being the little man are over."

DISTANT CRYING

CRYING CONTINUES

Well, I think I can safely say that we've seen it all now.

Oh, Roy.

Ah! Helloo-oo!

There. Aw, who's my gorgeous boy?

You are!

He's not really a baby, Ma. He's just messing like usual.

Come on, Roy, snap out of it.

Ah, Becky!

Who's my favourite fella? Who's my favourite fella?

-Mama!

-Yeah! Did you hear that, Becky? I am your mama!

Good job we didn't throw that out, wasn't it?

-Did you just change him?

-Yeah.

-I'd check it again if I were you.

That's only your imagination.

There's nothing wrong with him. He's just faking it!

-Bub-bub-bub-bub!

-Bub-bub-bub!

HE GIGGLES

Ah. Be careful, love, don't make him sick.

No, no, he used to love this, watch.

-Ya-hoo!

-Oh, yeah!

-Roy? Take him.

-Yeah, I'll take him.

Ah, da-bub-bub-bub!

There you go. Becky, you keep an eye on him. Let's get this cot built.

OK, Roy, you can...

Ow! Mam!

-Let go of him, will ya? Let go of him!

-Look, he's got attached!

-Go get me drill, will ya?

-Me let go?!

-Go and get me drill!

That's my boy.

Aw, no, that's you, is it? It's you, it's not him.

Ah-bub-bub-bub-bub.

Ah-bub-bub-bub!

-HE GIGGLES

-Awww!

You know, when children start acting younger than their years -

regressing - it's usually a sign of stress.

When I saw Roy this morning, he was quite clingy to his mother,

but other than that, he was a fairly normal, boisterous one-year-old.

I've advised his parents to give him lots of extra love and attention,

and I'm fairly certain Roy's going to return back to his normal size.

-It's your turn.

-I got up the last time!

Shut up! I've got my test in the morning!

Right. Fine!

I suppose the youngest in the family always gets the most attention.

And when you're a cartoon as well,

it's hard for anyone else to get a look-in.

On the plus side, it leaves me free to sneak out to Sandra's party

on Saturday night without anyone noticing.

Are they going to see this?

Why can't we just put him in a creche?

No way. Dr Raschid said he needs extra love and attention.

That's all well and good, but where does that leave us?

Because the two of us have to get up and go out to work.

I know that, Bill, OK?

Well, it looks like one of you is going to have to give up your job.

-Well, I did it last time.

-She did.

Right, fine. Never let it be said that I don't do my share.

-I'll stay at home and look after Roy.

-Yeah, right.

Yeah, I will. I'll work nights instead.

I'll take over here. Go on, you'll be late. Go.

Here. Don't say anything, just go.

-Fine, grand, I'm gone!

-Go on, you too.

You'll be late for school.

You don't want to be late for your test, do you?

Don't worry, I've got it covered!

FIRE ALARM BEEPS

Right. Oh, food.

Roy? Roy!

I take my eyes off you for two seconds...

Roy, if I don't get this place cleared up before your ma gets home

-I'll never hear the end of it.

-DOORBELL RINGS

Come in! It's open!

Roy. Roy!

Just slow down... Oh!

Miss Jervis. Come in.

So, I heard the news about Roy.

-Oh!

-Oh, sorry.

-Sorry.

-Yeah, I'm just running a little bit behind this morning.

-Oh, right.

SMASH

GIGGLING

Is that Roy ?

Yeah, half the time you wouldn't know what'd be wrong with him. Roy!

Guess who's here to see you?! He was here a second ago.

Oh!

Oh, good man. It's like keeping cats. There you go.

You wouldn't mind, just for a second, thanks.

-I just have to find his bottle.

-Yeah.

-Mama!

-What?

Ha-ha. Don't worry about that,

he said that to the postman this morning.

-So...how are you, huh?

-Mama!

# The wheels on the bus go round and round

# Round and round

# Round and round

# The wheels on the bus go round and round

# All day long. #

Ahhh.

Yeah, I know, I wouldn't worry about that, happens to all of us.

More, more! He-he!

-See that? You're bringing him on already.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I'm just thinking...

If Roy has this effect on me and on you...

Roy O'Brien, how would you feel

-about coming back to Mr Hammond's class? Huh?

-Yay!

-What? Yeah! Whoo!

HE CRIES

# The wheels on the bus go round... #

Come on, come on, we're going to be late.

Roy... Don't!

Just put your feet... put your feet... Morning!

How are you?

Just do it for Daddy. Good boy.

Just sit. Just don't move, all right? Perfect.

HE CRIES

Very welcome back, Roy!

There you go, son.

What is going on here?

Roy is joining your Vikings class. Miss Jervis' orders.

Oh, and listen, he might need a touch of nappy cream later on.

Best of luck. Will you grab that there?

O'Brien, I... Oh!

THEY LAUGH

Get off! O'Brien, get off!

Come on, then. Oh, dear.

Go on, Roy!

That's your fastest lap yet, Roy!

Settle down, everyone!

Isn't it time for his nap or something?

Look, sir. Miss Jervis left all these teaching aids to help with Roy.

We're not using those today, Tara. Put it away.

Stop it!

-Stop!

-Go, Roy! Ha-ha.

Stop!

Listen to me, O'Brien.

Whatever Miss Jervis might've dreamed up

in that happy clappy head of hers, you have no place in this school.

Understand?

Da-da?

See, there, it's in black and white.

Children must be four years of age upon entering the school.

I stopped by your class this morning.

I have to admit, I've never seen your students so happy.

Happiness is no substitute for knowledge, Miss Jervis.

Well, what can I say, Derek? Keep up the good work.

Mm, this is actually quite tasty.

Fine.

She wants fun? She'll get fun.

THEY SHRIEK AND LAUGH

-Boys and their toys.

-I'm having a go!

Well, well. If it isn't baby-faced O'Brien.

Peek-a-boo!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, sir.

I was just saying to Roy that I feel insulted

that I have to share my educational space with a baby.

Well, I have good news for you, O'Leary.

Miss Jervis is forcing me

to take her "fun" style of teaching to a new level.

So on Friday, I will be taking the entire class

on a Magical Mystery Bus Tour of Viking Dublin.

-Stopping for hamburgers on the way home.

-Yay!

-Yes!

Unfortunately, no babies are allowed.

Health and safety.

HE CRIES

I'm sorry, Roy.

You'll have to take it up with Miss Jervis, I'm afraid.

Aw, it's OK, Roy. Don't cry.

ROY YELLS

What's the matter with you now?

-I failed my geography test today because of you!

-Mama!

Listen, you little squirt!

Ma's not having a baby and she never was, OK?

Huh?

I only said it because you're so annoying

and now you're even more annoying. Grow up, will you?

How're you, love? Dinner's ready.

-How are you?

-Oh, yeah, good.

-The place is looking, er, lovely.

-Aye.

-Did you cook that?

-Yep. Easy peasy.

Ugh, it's not working. Oh, hang on, it is working! I can speak again!

Fantastic.

-Go on, harder!

-Ready?

Arrrgh!

Roy?

What if I'm stuck like this?

Oh, Roy, I forgot to tell you.

-You're booked in for your baby jabs tomorrow, OK?

-Jabs?!

This is all your fault!

Mine? You wanted to be the baby of the family.

Well, now you are!

Urgh, you're so mean!

I wish I never had a sister at all.

Thanks, Roy.

Wait! Becky, I'm sorry. It's just, what about the jabs?

You have to save me. Please!

You said you didn't want a sister.

HE CRIES

What? He deserved it.

-Cup of tea?

-Yeah. Yeah, I'll make it, love.

No, no, no. I'll get it.

-No, no, no, you've had a hard day, love.

-No harder than yours.

No, sure, look, I'm up now.

-So am I!

-Sit down, I'll get it. You sit down.

Roy, can you stop dribbling, please?

It's kind of yuck.

Sorry. I'm teething!

And Roy? No offence, but there's a smell.

Again?

I think you need help with your personal hygiene.

Roll up, roll up! The hottest ticket in town.

Hammond's Viking Magical Mystery Bus Tour of Dublin.

One for everyone!

No grabbing, no grabbing.

Um...

-ALL: Eurgh!

-The smell!

Evacuate the building. Quick! Now!

I think I'm going to get sick.

PFFFRRT!

I may have to call the army disposal unit, O'Brien.

Your parents will have to foot the bill.

But so long as we're enjoying ourselves, what does it matter?

-Who cares if we don't actually learn anything, eh?

-Derek!

You feeling all right?

Me? Yeah. Never better!

So far today I've pureed carrots, sung a lullaby,

eased some windypops, and used up a whole tub of nappy cream.

Who cares if the children haven't learned anything?

Ha! What does it matter?

Come on, Roy, it's time for your jabs.

HE CRIES

-HE WHIMPERS

-Ah, don't worry about it, Roy.

Sure you won't feel a thing, son.

What are you doing here?

-Roy has an appointment.

-Yeah, I know, I booked it for him.

Oh, well done, Maura. Aren't you great, love?

-Yeah, so you can go home now.

-No, I'm going to stay,

-because it's my job now.

-It's fine, you can go home.

-I brought him over here.

-I will stay.

-Guys, you can both stay, OK?

-Great.

-OK, Roy.

Where's Roy?

-ROY!

-Roy!

Roy?!

Who's there?

-Roy!

-Don't worry, love. We'll find him.

Here you go, squirt.

I knew you'd save me!

Now, let's get something straight first.

I can live with having a baby brother -

just not one who acts like a baby the whole time.

Got it?

I can live with having a big sister.

You'd better. Cos it's not like I'm going anywhere.

Except to Sandra's party Saturday night.

What? You know about that?

It's OK. I'm not going to tell.

-There they are.

-Wait, love.

-What?

-Just leave them to it.

You know what? You're not so bad after all, are you?

Oh, deadly!

ROY!

Aw, I think that's your job, love.

You know what, love? Knock yourself out.

-Go on!

-Always the mammy, never the daddy.

-Argh!

-Becky!

-Becky, come over here and I'll clean you.

-No!

Come over here and I'll clean you!

I enjoy a bit of fun as much as the next man.

But certain people don't seem to realise

that there's a time and a place for everything.

Not bad.

Anyhow. My view is that a school environment should be...

Ha-ha-ha, it tickles!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Derek! You look wonderful.

You do realise that I have a fur intolerance, don't you, Miss Jervis?

All right, well, listen.

Look, Derek, I know that we've had our differences recently, but...

That's fine! It's fine. Apology accepted.

Oh, no. What I was actually going to say is that

I think that we've both learned something off each other this week.

HORN BEEPS Ah, the bus.

OK. Well, I hope you enjoy your day, Derek.

She knows. She knows she's completely in the wrong.

Now. Let the Viking adventure begin!

-O'Brien!

-I'm back to normal, sir. Isn't it great?

So I can go on the Viking trip with you after all!

Not so fast, O'Brien. Ticket holders only.

Aw, but that's not fair! Just cos I was a baby.

Not any more, O'Brien.

And anyway, you don't know the first thing about Vikings.

Yes, I do! You can ask me a question if you want.

HE SIGHS

All right, come on.

Right, let's start with an easy one first.

Fagan, when did the Vikings first land in Ireland?

Oh, I know! I know!

Wait your turn, O'Brien.

Er, sir, it's on the tip of my tongue.

Well, we could be here all day then, couldn't we?

Oh! The ninth century.

-Correct. Well done, off you go.

-Yes!

Now, if there's any hijinks today, O'Brien, any sudden shrinking...

-There won't be, sir.

-Good. Right, your question.

What type of vessel did the Vikings sail in?

Banana!

No, O'Brien.

No, wait, sir, I know it... I know this!

Well, then spit it out, man.

-Come on, Roy.

-No hinting!

Aargh! I can't miss this tour!

Then give me the answer!

THEY LAUGH

Longships! They sailed in longships.

-Well done. Right, on the bus.

-YES!

Now, Byrne. Your question.

I knew Derek would eventually get the hang of

this progressive learning thing.

Sorry, I just...

Roy! You're going to be late for school.

Ah, everything back to normal, huh?

Yep. And I can't tell you how glad I am.

Oh, me too, love, me too.

Roy!

Ha-ha!