Too Cool for School ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is, he doesn't LOOK very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

Roy!

ROY!

Hee-hee!

'Roy is just back from the dentist.

'His friends seem to be a little bit down...

'Perhaps he can cheer them up?

I think Hammond is allergic to anyone having fun.

Tell me about it. He's so boring.

If you told him a knock-knock joke, he'd go and answer the door.

Probably.

Waah!

I'm back! Hee-hee!

Whoop!

Oh, hey, guys, check this out!

You all look like wet socks.

-Hammo.

-He's gotten worse than ever.

Maybe he missed me.

Ha-ha! Ah, Hammo was probably crying his little beady eyes out,

but no bother.

I'll just pat his little baldy head and he'll cheer up.

So glad you're back, O'Brien!

Now look into my beady little eyes, Roy...

I want all the homework you missed done by tomorrow,

and I want this yard spotless.

Ah, sir! I was only joking.

Like my "baldy head". Oh, and Roy...

Act up once more today and I'll make sure all the homework

I give you will last you through the entire holidays.

Better keep your head down for the rest of the day, Roy.

Why can't he just have a laugh at things like we do?

I wish he'd just chill out and have a bit of fun.

Hammo chill out? Ha!

Hammo doesn't do fun.

Yeah...

Well, I really wish he did.

Check out these new transfers my uncle gave me.

You can all have one.

Cute.

Oh, that tiger one looks cool.

Here, let me stick it on you.

Wow, thanks!

It doesn't seem to stick.

No bother, Roy. Some face paint, a brush

and my artistic genius equals one cool tiger!

Oh, paint the tiger with giant flames coming out of his mouth!

Sure.

OK. How does it look?

THEY LAUGH

Look.

Shake it!

Party Hammond!

Ha, imagine! Aw, I wish there was a real Party Hammond.

That would be the best thing ever.

Yeah, like that's going to happen.

No harm in wishing.

OK... Oh, great work, gang! Hope you've enjoyed yourselves.

OK. I better wash this off before Hammond's class.

HE SNORES

Hee-hee-hee.

Nnngh! Come off!

Oh, no! If Hammond sees this, he's going to go bananas!

I'll be doing homework till I'm 100. Help!

Are you OK, Roy?

Mm-hm.

Now... Today we should be learning about the...

Roy, turn around and sit up straight in your chair.

You're not posing for a photoshoot.

Ha...poser.

Ah, but this is me good side, sir.

O'Brien, I've already warned you today.

Any more nonsense and you'll be getting so much homework

they'll be writing about it in history books.

Now, turn around this instant!

What are you trying to hide?

Erm... I...

Take away your hand. Eh!

Take away your hand.

Last chance, O'Brien. Take away your hand!

-I can't, sir.

-Aw, Gross! He's sweating everywhere!

Say it, don't spray it, poser!

Hey! I was having a nice snooze there and now I'm soaked.

Who said that?

I did! You need to chill out, man. You're making the kid sweat.

Uh-oh.

What?!

Oh, well! I'm awake now. Better make the most of it.

HE PLAYS GUITAR

Oh, yeah!

Time to party! Time to kick out the jams!

KIDS LAUGH

Roy O'Brien! What is the meaning of this?!

Chillax, bro, it's all cool!

Chill-ax?! B...bro?!

Just who do you think you are?

I'm you, compadre...just a little less square.

I'm your wild side. Your fu-u-un side!

I am Party Hammond! Yee-haw!

HE PLAYS GUITAR

You've got to admit, the little guy shreds!

Hm. You know, this is why Roy is my favourite patient.

Always something new.

Unfortunately.

Hey, easy Doc. It takes work to look this good.

Don't mess with my do, dude.

Ha-ha. Do-doo.

Ahhh...tanning time. Ni-i-ice.

Yeah, it should just wash off.

So, Roy, you say when you started sweating,

that's when it started talking, yeah?

Erm, yeah.

I think there is something about Roy's cartoon sweat

that's bringing this little guy to life.

He does look exactly like you, actually...

He is nothing like me! He's the exact opposite of me.

Dr Raschid believes that this little pipsqueak only came to life

because Roy wanted a more fun version of me.

Wow.

As if it's all my fault!

Unbelievable.

I am fun!

I tell jokes all the time.

Listen to this...

Watch this.

Why was the horse late for school?

I don't know. Why?

Because he couldn't find his shoes!

Ha-ha!

Shoes!

Not that that's an excuse or anything... No, no.

That horse should have made sure to have the correct footwear

ready to go.

I always lay out my shoes and clothes the night before,

ready for the morning.

Only a madman wouldn't!

Ah, yes. Up here for thinking.

Down there for dancing.

Party Hammond is deadly.

He almost makes me forget how horrible the real Hammond is!

I know. First he tells me I could be a pro soccer player,

then he helps me with maths homework...and I understood him.

Well, he said I was cool, and he meant it.

Roy's loving it, too. Everyone wants to hang out with him

cos of Party Hammond.

Apart from Hammo, of course.

That's always a good thing.

Honestly, this has been the best day of teaching all year.

And it's all thanks to Party Hammond.

Total opposite of Derek.

Ah, yeah.

He's always chirping up with interesting facts. The kids love it.

-Did you know that pepper used to be worth more than gold?

-No!

Yep, and that Einstein's dog was called Pickles?

-Wow, I didn't know that.

-Neither did I.

Aw, I love that little guy.

If only the real Hammond were like him...

Thank heavens that horrid thing on Roy's arm is not like me!

Well, besides my good looks, that is.

The sooner that thing is gone forever, the better for all of us.

Wait a second...

You both like him?

Oh, would you look at the time... I better be going.

Those test tubes won't organise themselves!

How could anyone like that...

loudmouth, uncouth, big show-off!

Well, it's no wonder the kids love him...

Because he has so many of your great qualities!

Oh, really?

Which ones?

You both have...eyes?

-Eyes?

-Yeah.

-Eyes?! Ugh!

You're just like the rest of them, seduced by his ridiculous antics!

Aw, I've lost all respect from the students

since that thing came to life.

Well, maybe if you were more interactive with the students,

then they'd see you in a better light?

Interactive?

Not so much of a stick-in-the-mud.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa there, Neddy.

I can't believe you're calling me boring!

I didn't say you were boring.

HE PANTS ANGRILY

You may as well have!

A bit dry maybe.

No, no. Don't try to butter me up.

Dry? Boring?!

I've never been so insulted in all my life!

Aw, well done, Jane.

They think I'm boring?

Well, they can all go and...

..jump in a lake, excuse my French.

Boring!

I was a singer before I became a teacher, actually.

Yeah.

I was, eh...

I was quite good actually.

But then, you know,

I decided to grow up and be sensible.

Oh, life can't all be fun and games, can it?!

Why does Roy get to have a talking painting on him

and I can't get my bellybutton pierced?

It's creepy. Are you sure it doesn't wash off, love?

Have you tried a scrubbing it?

A scrubber?

No wonder this kitchen is so gorgeous.

It's probably something to do with your sense of style too,

which explains your awesome hair, of course.

Wow, you did well there, Bill. She's a corker!

He's great, isn't he!

Oh, tell the one about the dolphin and the zebra!

I would, Roy,

but me joke would be no match for how excellent that dinner smells!

Ahh, Roy! Maybe you should keep him, love.

Well, I think he's annoying.

Wow, Roy, you should take some tips from your sis.

She's on it when it comes to fashion.

Annoyingly brilliant.

Weee! These waves are awesome, Roy!

Do you ever sleep?

Why sleep when there's fun to be had?

You're so different to Hammond. So nice and fun.

Ah, you need to give him a break, bro.

Everybody's got a fun side, even Hammond.

He just forgets where he put it sometimes.

That's it!

If I can make Hammond find his fun side,

then maybe he'll stop being such a pain.

Mmm, not trying to rain on your parade, Roymeister, but...

trying to make a person change when they aren't ready

is always a disaster.

He's already a disaster.

I've got nothing to lose.

We just need to help Hammond find his fun side,

then he'll be as cool as Party Hammond

and school will be brilliant!

Eh...how?

We're going to make him try new, fun things without him realising.

Eh, what new, fun things exactly?

Woo-hoo! That was fun!

Come on, Niall.

-TRUMPETS:

-Doo-doooo!

What the...?!

Aaahhh!

CRASH

Ro-o-oy!

This is a school, not a circus.

This kind of carry-on will not be tolerated...

under any circumstances.

Yikes! OK, that didn't go so well.

Yeah, you think?!

Hmm... What else would be exciting for Hammond to try?

SHE SNIFFS

SIZZLING

Whoo! That's some spicy pickle.

Yee-haw! Life is good.

Roy swapped his ham and cheese sandwich

with an extra spicy Indian pickle curried sandwich.

Roy reckons Hammo will love it.

HE COUGHS

Hey, that's Mr Hoppy!

The class frog.

Ahh! It burns! It burns!

It was probably an innocent mistake.

Innocent?

Innocent?! It was sabotage!

My mouth...is still on fire!

I will not be made a fool of by some sandwich terrorist!

From now on,

I want everyone to write their names on their lunches.

Right. My mouth is still on fire.

So... We're going to have a surprise test...right now!

You mean a quiz, sir?

No, Tara.

I mean an old-fashioned, I-don't-care-what-Ms-Jervis-says

because-my-mouth's-been burned-off-by-a-spicy-sandwich,

honest to goodness TEST.

Roy needs to give up.

Hammond's more sour than a bag of angry lemons.

I know. He's just making things worse.

This is just heavenly.

Aw... I know!

Party Hammond told me to try a bit of nutmeg in there.

This is the best thing I've eaten all year!

Aw, thanks, love. Oh, and I love your new eye shadow.

Suits you.

Party Hammond picked it for me.

Really?

He showed me how to record two television shows at one time.

My life has changed!

Listen... to the little guy!

To him.

To him.

-ENGINE RUMBLES

-Neeeaowww!

-HORN HONKS

-Hi, Roy! Like a ride?

It's 2.00am.

And your car tickles.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I'm just so excited by everything. Life is brilliant, you know?

And I'm trying to impress the hottie over there.

Nothing like a bit of romance!

Ha!

That's it!

That's what's missing from Hammond's life - romance.

Yes. Remember, Roy, you can't force someone to change.

People have to want to change from inside.

Everyone wants to be loved.

Even Hammond.

"From your secret admirer.

"I think you are lovely.

"Please meet me for a special lunch tomorrow at Campo De'Fiori."

What nonsense is this now?

"I think you are lovely.

"Please meet me for a special lunch tomorrow at Campo De'Fiori."

Well, well, well!

A secret admirer, eh.

I don't care who this secret admirer is, as long as they're nice.

Actually, it wouldn't hurt

if he looks like yer man with the abs out of that Bond movie.

Oh, I don't know who it could be, to be honest.

Maybe that stud who fixed the photocopier? Wha? I don't know.

SHE GIGGLES

My, uh, devilish charms have been, well, a curse at times.

Roy, this is not a hotel, wake up.

My bad, kept the little guy awake last night with my race car madness.

Well, we've enough Roy chaos around here without your bad influence.

Ah, Roy's a good kid. We both know that.

Yes, well, of course he is. But he needs guidance.

Not some yahoo egging on his wild side.

Chill, Hammotron. You have a wild and impulsive side just like Roy.

I do not!

Dude, I am you.

It's inside of you. You've just forgotten about it.

Maybe you should try and find it again.

Release the animal inside, Hammundo! You'll be a happier person.

I am happy!

Just because I don't run around the place wearing ridiculous shirts,

strumming my guitar and acting like a maniac does not mean I'm not happy.

Dude, if you weren't so uptight maybe we'd still have all our hair.

Chicks used to dig our locks, remember?

-Just saying.

-Oh!

Well...I am not having a conversation with a jumped-up

little scribble!

Wake up, Roy, wake...

Ahh!

Ugh...

I give up.

Love Saturdays.

-Any day without Hammond in it is a good day.

-Yeah.

Well, soon every day is going to feel like Saturday

with new, super-improved, fun Hammond!

You're not still trying to change him, are you?

It's been a total disaster.

Hee-hee. Have no fear.

Me new perfect plan is working out perfectly.

Right now, Hammond is on a lunch date.

Eh, what if he gets stood up?

Hee-hee! Not a chance. I slipped a card in secret

to Ms Jervis and Carol. One of them is bound to go.

-Yeah, but, what if they all turn up?

-Yeah.

GULP

Oh, no!

He'll be worse than ever now.

I told you, Roysterooni, you can't make anyone be happy.

They have to decide to be happy themselves.

I think you're right.

I know so, bro.

HE YAWNS

You're fading!

It'll be over soon, Roy.

Hey! It was great hanging out with you.

It was fun while it lasted.

No! You can't fade on me!

See, you can wash me away now.

No. I'd never wash you away!

-YAWNING:

-I'm pretty wrecked from partying all night, Royster.

I'm going to have a snooze. Just wash me off.

Keep having fun and being you, Roy.

ROY WHIMPERS

What's all the panic about?

This better be worth me getting out of bed early on Sunday.

Look, he's fading!

ALL: No!

We have to figure out how to save him.

Maybe you could never wash again?

-I suppose so...

-No.

Roy washes...or else he gets a new friend with no sense of smell.

Maybe...

Maybe we could make him a drawing to live in?

That's brilliant! But how?

Transfer, like in art class.

We wet the paper, press him against it,

the paint transfers across, and voila!

We need a perfect Party Hammond scene.

Somewhere he'd be happy to live.

I know who can help us - my uncle.

He's the best artist I have ever seen.

That's a great idea.

Well done, Abby.

Come on.

Do you like my paintings, then?

This is my favourite uncle, Jules.

Everyone calls him Crusher.

He's been in art magazines and everything.

So...what can I do for you kids?

We need your help to save our friend.

Let's have a look.

Wow!

He's fading and we have to save him.

We all love him and he's become our mate.

We don't want him to fade away. It's not fair.

It's so sad. Poor little fellah.

Can you draw him somewhere cool so we can transfer him

and he can live happy ever after?

Roy...

I'm going to paint him the perfect world

so he can party on forever.

Ha-ha! Thanks, Crusher.

Hello, old girl.

Long time, no see.

It appears I have been a bit boring lately.

Well, for the last 20 years actually.

Sorry, old girl.

STRUMS OUT-OF-TUNE CHORD

Dig that, man.

We figured out how to make you last forever. Look!

This is for you to live in.

Whoa, she's beautiful! I mean the picture.

It's...it's perfect. But I can't go.

What?! Why?

Life is for living, Roy.

It's not about staying in one place forever and never moving.

It's about moving forward and having adventures, not being trapped.

But you're fading. You'll be gone soon if we don't save you.

PARTY HAMMOND CHUCKLES

Life is short, Roy, even shorter for a cartoon painting,

but I've had lots of fun and it was cool hanging out with you

and your family and friends.

I'm fading, and that's cool. It's life, bro.

So true, so true.

Roy, you're a good kid.

And I'm glad Abby's got a mate like you.

Thanks, Crusher.

I don't know what to do.

Hey, no tears, buddy.

Just have fun for me. That's all you need to do.

But, it's not...

And take it easy on Hammond, OK?

That dude's a big softie inside.

But he's not you!

Just give him a chance.

Sure he's a bit stiff sometimes, but, hey,

we can't all be Roytastic rock stars like you!

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you too.

Thanks, Roy. For everything.

Now get some sleep, bro.

No way.

I'm going to stay awake all...

HE SNORES

Ah, sleep well, little buddy.

I hope Roy will be able to deal with Party Hammond being gone.

I don't think I will, love.

I'm going to miss that little guy.

SHE SNIFFLES

"Have fun."

I'll never forget you, Party Hammond.

And I promise to have twice as much fun for both of us.

Whoo-hoo!

Ha-ha-ha! Yahoo!

Whoo!

Don't you miss him?

Of course I do.

Any time we play, we remember him.

He'd want us to have fun.

He's right.

And...

Hopefully Mr Hammond will find his fun side, too.

When he's ready.

I wouldn't hold my breath.

OK, class.

Today we're going to learn about Alexander the Great.

But first, we're going to have a little bit of fun.

Betsy, meet the class.

Class, meet Betsy.

Betsy and I wrote this little song for a one-off history performance.

This song goes out to a little friend of ours -

gone but not forgotten.

PLAYS GUITAR

# Alexander the Great was very, very great

# And his horse was in a state

# Scared of his own shadow

# Scared of his own shadow

# Bucephalus! Boo! #