The Perfect Match Sidekick

# We are Splitsboro kids and we go to Sidekick School

# Learning to be second best while playing by the rules

# Maxum Man is missing Now we rule the school

# Flying, smashing, bashing, stomping, looking super cool

# I'm a sidekick, sidekick - that's the life for me

# Half-sized superzeros with full-sized super dreams

# Sidekick, sidekick What an awesome gig!

-# Just like superheroes

-Just like superzeros

-# But only half as big

-Sidekick!

-#

BOTH SCREAM

Dude, I love V Day!

Sweet! A Valentine from Betty!

HE LAUGHS

Ah, such grace.

She's taking me to the Valentine's dance tonight. Hee-hee!

So, Eric, are you going to the dance?

With someone special, who is standing right in front of you?

But Vana's not in front of me. She's over there.

Ai-ya!

KITTY WAILS

There's still, like, four hours till the dance.

-I'm just waiting for the right moment.

-Ooh, argh, argh!

Hey, Vana, you, me, V Day dance, six bells - how's about it?

Ah, Eric, I told Kid Ruthless I'd go with him weeks ago.

-HE GROANS

-But if it makes you feel any better,

I wouldn't have gone with you anyway.

Phew, that's a relief.

Hey!

Happy Valentine's Day.

HE SCREAMS

Yeah, he's got a thing about mascots. Sorry, Valentine Bear.

Whatever.

Hey, Needles. I saw your little freak-out session.

That weakness will be going on your permanent record.

-ALL:

-Oh!

-What's that?

Oh, your permanent record lists all kinds of neat stuff -

test scores, toenail sharpness, favourite knock-knock jokes,

fears and weaknesses.

Weaknesses? I don't want people knowing that stuff about me.

That is why I keep them in the ultra-hi-tech, impenetrable,

no-expense-spared locked-down security desk.

You waited until today to ask her to the dance?

And then she was saying no?

HE LAUGHS Whatever.

I'll just take someone even cooler than Vana to the dance.

Sorry, Eric, tonight my hair I will be needing to wash. Ha-ha!

I'm not even having hair and that is why it is so funny! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I really wish I could help you with your love life.

-You can!

-Really? Oh!

I could totally find my perfect match using Maxum Man's super database,

if you let me use it.

-What choice do I have?

-None.

OK. Enter my character traits.

I like, football, cereal, recess, cool gadgets,

gadgets attached to other gadgets, tulips...

Whoo. ..and words that end with "zonk". Sweet.

300 traits should help me find a perfect match.

Ah-ha! Mandy Struction.

Here goes.

DIAL TONE

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

Hi. Er, is this the Struction residence? Is Mandy in?

My name is Eric and I wanted to ask her if she wanted to...

STOMACH GURGLES Hold on.

STOMACH GURGLES AGAIN ..if she, um, wants to go to a dance.

So...your mum sounded nice.

Yeah, she said she got a kick out of you on the phone,

-even though you kept throwing up.

-Yeah, good times.

-Just so you know, I hate dancing.

-Really? Me too.

Dancing is just so lame.

Hey, nice! I say "lame" all the time.

I get CALLED lame all the time.

BOTH LAUGH

-Hey, cool shoes. Are they new?

-Um, kind of. They're custom-made.

No way! I wear special shoes too. You know - stink feet.

FLIES BUZZ

BOTH LAUGH

We have so much in common.

It's like somebody used a super-computer

to find us both a perfect match. Crazy.

Yeah...crazy. Hey, let's go into the dance.

GIGGLING AND CHATTERING

Hi, pretty new girl, who seems to have appeared out of thin air

to ruin my life.

I'm SO happy Eric brought you with him!

I'm here with someone too, you know. Alan Amazing!

Know why they call him that? BECAUSE HE IS AMAZING!

KITTY PANTS

That's...great. Um...good for you.

So, who's your Valentine, Eric?

Guys, this is Mandy. Mandy, this is Vana, Trevor and Kitty.

-Hi.

-Mandy, you say.

And you contend that you are NOT a robot, correct?

What? Trevor!

-Ah-ha!

-Trevor!

-MANDY SPLUTTERS

-Hmm, no sparks. Story checks out.

-Well, enjoy the dance...Mandy.

-Sorry about that.

-It's cool.

They're your friends. They just want to look out for you.

Wow! I make excuses for my friends' crazy behaviour too. We're so alike.

Needles, why are you smiling?

The punch, the music - it's snappy, yeah?

One more smile and it goes on your permanent record!

I'm watching you.

That was my teacher, Pamplemoose.

He keeps permanent records of every sidekick's likes, dislikes,

-toenail sharpness, vulnerabilities.

-Really? Vulnerabilities?

And they're in this rickety old desk in room 218.

Yep, good old two-one-eight. Dos-uno-ocho. Top left drawer.

Huh. That's very interesting. Very detailed and very interesting.

I can't believe Eric's Valentine turned out to be cooler than ours.

HE BELCHES

Hey-hey, speak for yourself. My Valentine is wicked, dreamy.

Yah-woo!

SHE LAUGHS

Her art totally speaks to me.

I know I've seen Mandy before, but where?

We need a hair sample to analyse.

I hope my friends aren't weirding you out too much.

They're normally a lot nicer.

No hair samples! Come on.

Let's forget about these guys and go have some fun.

CHEERING

Wa-ha-ha!

Ow!

THEY LAUGH

I'm really glad you came to my school dance.

-I haven't even asked what school YOU go to.

-Oh, I assumed you knew.

-I go to...

-Hmm, that's good, thanks. Has a bit of a bite to it.

Ha-ha-ha, I like him. He's funny.

Oh, I almost forgot, I was supposed to call my parents and check in.

Cool. I'll wait for you here.

Eric, there's something weird about Mandy.

I mean, besides the fact that she came here with you.

We're sure we know her from somewhere, we just can't place it.

HA! You guys are just ticked that you missed your chance with Big E.

PHONE RINGS Hold on, it's Maxum Brain.

Eric, how is it going? I don't care.

Tell me, why was the supervillain database being open

-to the file of Mandy Struction?

-We have a supervillain database?

Wait, Mandy Struction? She's from the evil side of town. I knew it!

Oh, the Struction family run the Splitsboro crime syndicate,

the Mass Destructions.

They levelled ten banks in two days with their seismo-shoes.

Shoes that can cause earthquakes. D'uh! It was all over the news.

Grrrr...uh! Snap out of it.

Oh, sure, she's here with me,

so that must make her terrible and weird and evil, right?

Well, I think she's cool.

-TANNOY:

-Warning. Classroom security breached by intruder

who at first seemed really cool,

but then turned out to be evil. Warning. Warning. Warning. Warning.

OK, she's evil...but I really think we can work past it.

Arg! She's got our permanent records!

Eric, it's not what it looks like.

Yes...yes, it is.

ALL GASP

Eric, I thought you said you had a lot in common.

Hmm... We do!

And that might just be the way to defeat her!

Come on, Mum, where are you?

DOOR OPENS

-Eric, stay back or I'll...

-Mandy, wait!

I have to know - am I really just a pawn in some evil game,

or did you really like me?

No, Eric. Honestly, you make me feel something I've never felt before.

-Like you're going to barf out your nose?

-Me too!

The feeling part, not the barf part. You don't have to be evil, do you?

You could come to Sidekick School, hang out with us.

Or you could come with me to the Evil Henchman Vocational School

-and we could do fun, evil things together.

-I can't.

Maxum Man's sidekick, remember? Plus, I'm no good at evil faces.

ERIC BLOWS A RASPBERRY

-Then I guess this is where we fight it out.

-Yep.

I'm sorry it's come to this, but... Now!

You're not afraid of mascots? But I thought we were exactly the same!

Er, no, no, no, actually I'm fine with fuzzy animals.

For me it's mice.

I mean, their freaky white faces, and they don't talk.

-Why don't they talk?

-I know, right?

-KITTY:

-Can I take this thing off?

-It's hot in here!

-Oh, sure, Kitty. Just...

Argh, argh, argh!

Argh, argh, argh!

-Oh!

-Argh, argh, argh!

-Whoa.

-KITTY:

-Ow!

Heeeeeelp!

Eric! Uh!

Mmm, mmm.

-HE SCREAMS

-Uh.

Thank you, Mascot Bear, or I guess, Kitty.

Still, yay!

Nice move, Eric. Mandy escaped.

Yeah, I guess I really messed up. She got away.

-Then why are you smiling?

-What?

-You were smiling when you said she got away?

-No, I wasn't.

-You're smiling right now!

-Am I?

You're still thinking about her, aren't you?

I don't think I can ever forget her.

ERIC SIGHS

Grrr!

HE SCREAMS