Pamplemoose & Son Sidekick

# We are Splitsboro kids and we go to Sidekick School

# Learning to be second best while playing by the rules

# Maxum Man is missing Now we rule the school

# Flying, smashing, bashing, stomping, looking super cool

# I'm a sidekick, sidekick - that's the life for me

# Half-sized superzeros with full-sized superdreams

# Sidekick, sidekick What an awesome gig!

-# Just like superheroes

-Just like superzeros

# But only half as big

# Sidekick! #

Listen up, you inferior, pea-brained, talentless wretches.

Today we will learn the art of the quick change.

From civilian to sidekick using any object in your vicinity

as a change room.

-Like zis, perhaps.

-Works for me.

-Too easy.

-Hah!

Try finding a phone booth in this day and age.

PHONE DIAL TONE

Small, but I'm sure it's cosy.

THEY ALL GASP

-You can't be serious?

-Vell, vell...

It would appear we have a volunteer to get us started.

But wait, I... PROFESSOR PAMPLEMOOSE GROWLS

-Ah! Whatever!

-Look on the bright side, buddy. At least it wasn't me.

ERIC GRUNTS AND GASPS

Time's up!

SQUEAL

THEY ALL LAUGH

Oh, come on. PROFESSOR PAMPLEMOOSE GIGGLES

As expected, zat was a disaster.

-PROFESSOR PAMPLEMOOSE GASPS

-That mark!

THEY ALL GASP Hah! Never noticed that before.

Perhaps you best look at this.

EVERYONE GASPS TREVOR LAUGHS

-Is that? Is that?

-It is. The exact same birthmark!

No. That!

Yes, I have an enormous outie, deal with it. Class dismissed!

THEY ALL SCREAM

Out! Out! Schnell.

-Not you, Eric.

-Huh?

That birthmark can mean but one thing...

You are the long-lost son I never knew,

-or even had any reason to suspect I had.

-What?! How is this possible?

I took part in a lot of cloning experiments in university.

'70s DISCO MUSIC

I always wanted an heir, someone I could groom

to my exact specifications.

Who knows how many little me's are out there?

-PROFESSOR PAMPLEMOOSE LAUGHS

-I see you are in shock.

You must move through the five stages of grief

starting with denial.

So Pamplemoose is...my dad? Ah!

-No, no, it can't be true.

-Anger.

-Why me? Why me?

-Bargaining.

-Maybe we can make a deal? Some sort of bargain?

-Depression.

-Why do bad things always happen to me?

-Acceptance.

Then again, I have a dad. Eric Needles has a dad.

How about Eric "Nipples" puts on his shirt?

ERIC GRIMACES

-Is that for me?

-Take it, son. It is your birthright.

WHIRRING

-Um, hello...

-Eric! What happened to your legs?

-Er...

Whoah-oh-oh. WHOAH!

-Oops.

-Maybe you should think about losing the chair?

For your own safety.

You should have seen his face when he gave it to me...

Aagh! That smile, it burns.

Besides, it's not a chair. It's a birthright. I finally have a dad.

Eric, it's Pamplemoose. I'd rather have no dad than him.

It's bad enough we have to spend time with him here.

Now you have to see him... uh, outside school.

That chair is going to give me nightmares.

This is my chance for a real, albeit extremely weird, family.

I have to take it.

LULLABY PLAYS

-Well?

-Mmm, I admit there are similarities.

Weak chin, beady eyes, concave chest,

and that does explain your test tube shaped body.

DING DONG

Hello, Eric. Clone daddy is here. Let us spend the weekend together.

You know what? That sounds great.

-PROFESSOR PAMPLEMOOSE LAUGHS

-Come, come, there is much to do.

Can it be true? Am I finally rid of Eric?

Do I get to enjoy some peace and quiet for a change?

I am so lonely.

TICK-TOCK

So...

Son...

How your grades? Oh, wait? I remember. Terrible.

Um... These chairs...

Very hovery.

Ah!

Wow, family small talk is a lot harder than it looks.

I wonder how Trevor and his dad do it?

PROFESSOR PAMPLEMOOSE LAUGHS

-That's wonderful. Oh, very good, Needle.

-To the Troublemeyers!

You know, you were right to seek my advice.

After all, Trevor and I are the poster family

for father-son bonding. Isn't that right, son?

I'd be rather be transported to a demon dimension

-than spend time with you.

-Yes, sir. We're a couple of amigos. Best buds.

-Two peas in a pod.

-Yes, yes. But what is your secret?

Well, I'd say the only secret is that we have no secrets.

-You see that tree over there?

-What tree? I see no tree.

EVIL LAUGHTER

First tree Trevor ever climbed. And we climbed it together.

-You see that scorch mark over there?

-Oh, yeah.

-Vat tree?

EVIL LAUGHTER

That was where I fired off my first turbo rocket.

A true bond means you're totally connected.

-You are alike in every way.

-Yes, I see now.

I'm sorry, we can't stay for dinner.

-My son and I have some real bonding to do.

-But what about the burgers?

-I made the special sauce myself.

-Maybe next time, Mr Troublemeyer.

ERIC LAUGHS

PROFESSOR PAMPLEMOOSE LAUGHS

Unnghhh.

GROWLING

LASER PULSING

PROFESSOR PAMPLEMOOSE SCREAMS

Uh-oh.

-We haven't seen much of you lately.

-I know.

Pampdaddy can be a little overbearing. I had to sneak away

this morning just so I could walk to school with you guys.

Clone son, I brought you some Thirsty Towels. Aagh!

Oh, Eric. Why do you let him smother you like that?

Always there, always watching, always closing all the blinds

so I can't see in.

-What?

-What?

It's not so bad, he's just trying to make up for lost time.

-Clone son, I was so worried.

-Sorry, dad. I just wanted to walk to...

Walk? Vat is this walk?

A Pamplemoose doesn't mingle with the wurmerschninkles,

-he floats above them. Now, let us be away.

-Yes, sir.

I don't want you wasting any more time with this sidekick nonsense.

-From now on you will take your rightful place at my side.

-Wait?

-You mean?

-Correct. I shall train you to become the future headmaster

and chief DISCIPLINARIAN!

EVIL LAUGHTER

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-Er, have you guys seen Eric?

-Attention!

TRUMPET FANFARE

I am pleased to introduce your new instructor,

who also happens to be my clone son.

Pamplemoose Junior.

THEY ALL GASP

-Oh, Eric. What has he done to you?

-Nein. There is no Eric.

You will address my boy by his proper title.

Er, is that really necessary? These are my friends.

Son, you must stop thinking of these worms as friends

and start thinking of them as, well...

worms.

-OK, now I am a little insulted here.

-Yeah, right?

Now at some point you will almost certainly find yourself

being dropped into a tank filled with man-eating robo-sharks.

The best way to prepare for this eventuality is...

to be dropped into a tank filled with man-eating robo-sharks.

THEY ALL GASP SQUEAL

-And as my heir, you must choose a volunteer.

-What? I, I can't.

-They're my friends.

-But you must, my son. I insist.

Now!

-I'll do it.

-N-o-o-o-o!

Kitty will do it.

If I have to choose a volunteer to be sacrificed, then I choose...

..myself!

No-o-o-o!

Aagh.

Aagh.

My boy. My poor brave little clone son. Oh, ze horror.

Ze horror! This is the worst day of my... What?

Hey. Look at that. It was just a stain.

I think it's the pizza pudding I made the other night.

Mm-hmm. I still say it could have used more chocolate pepperoni.

-Uh-oh!

-You will pay for this deception.

From now on, you are my permanent volunteer.

Starting with this spiky-ball OF DEATH!

-Boy, am I glad that's over.

-Eric just lost his first real dad.

-Yeah, don't care. Anyone feeling peckish? Lunch?

-Cool.

-Uh-huh!

AAAGGHHHH! AGH.