Everybody Loves Clementine So Awkward

Surely they can't make us do this.

It's child labour.

Yeah, well, at least you're not wearing clothes from lost property.

You need to be on the other side of the net.

Oh.

-Good shot.

-Thanks!

CHEERING

-Yes!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-CROWD:

-Martha! Martha! Martha!

Can't go on...

Bag too heavy...

What have you got in there?

Library books.

Research for this year's Excellence in the Written Word competition.

Lucky for me, I don't need books. My brain is my library.

Martha, remind me who won last year.

It's not the winning, it's the taking part.

And last year, Lily "took part" best.

Yeah, using books - books from the actual library.

I nearly broke my back THAT year, as well.

Good job this'll all be over in a couple of days...

Two days, you say?

It completely slipped my mind.

Just 172,800 seconds until I beat Lily.

Come on, do up your laces and let's go.

That's the second time since we left yours.

Third.

It's these laces. My mum made them...

-Cool.

-..out of elastic from her old pants.

Cool squared!

-CAR ENGINE STARTS

-OK, step away from the laces.

MARTHA GASPS Hey! Stop! My bag!

My library books! What am I going to do?

Don't panic, it'll be fine.

How?! How will this be fine?

Well, they'll have a really interesting adventure.

I don't care about my books' adventures!

They're due back today!

I'll get banned from the library.

I won't be allowed any more books -

and I won't be able to win back my trophy.

Ahem, my trophy.

Relax, it'll be OK. I'm sure the librarian will understand.

Unless Mrs "No Excuses" Jones is on duty, of course.

It's been nice knowing you.

SCANNER BEEPS

Lily.

I trust you enjoyed the books,

which, as we both know, are due back today.

Yeah, well, it's a funny story, actually...

Funny?

Well, there's definitely a story -

a true story...

Um... I lent them to another student...

..and, er...this student temporarily mislaid them.

Does this careless student have a name?

Uh...

Clementine.

Last name?

Moustache. Clementine Moustache.

JAS LAUGHS, TURNS INTO COUGH

Pips.

No eating in the library!

There's no Clementine Moustache registered at this school.

Not yet - she's officially starting tomorrow.

She's been studying abroad.

Milan, Dubai... She's Lily's...

-Cousin...

-..niece.

-..niece.

-..cousin.

Well, which is it?

Both. It's complicated.

I shall verify Clementine's sorry existence with Mrs Griggs -

but she sounds like trouble.

And you know what I do with trouble?

Ban it!

"Clementine Moustache"?

What were you thinking?

I wasn't thinking, I was panicking!

And as soon as Mrs Jones checks with Mrs Griggs, I'm finished.

There's no way out of this one.

I can think of a way out.

Convince Mrs Griggs that Clementine exists.

How?

-Phone her and pretend to be Martha's mum.

-What?

Your mum's the chair of the governors,

so we pose as her and tell Mrs Griggs

that Clementine's transferring to our school.

Brilliant.

And when Clementine never shows up?

We leave Mrs Griggs a message saying that Clementine's...

..exploded...

..or just moved to a different area.

Case closed. Problem solved.

"Thank you, Jas." That's OK, don't mention it.

And who's going to pose as my mother in this insane scheme?

Well, Lily's a gibbering wreck - no offence.

I'm, well, me - no offence - none taken - which only leaves...

I can't convince Mrs Griggs that I'm my own mother!

Of course you can. Just be scary and emotionless, like a robot.

It might just work...

We're violating at least three school policies

even discussing this plan.

Please...?

Besides, I should be working on my essay, so I can beat you.

PHONE RINGS

'Hello? Hello?'

Please?

'Speak!

'Speak to me!'

Stephanie, it's Mrs Fitzgerald.

Hello. Um...how are you?

-Since when do I do small talk?

-Of course.

The board has decreed that a new student will be starting tomorrow.

-Right. That sounds...

-Don't interrupt.

She's of the female variety. Year 8.

And Lily Hampton's...

-Cousin.

-Niece.

-Niece.

-Cousin.

..relative.

According to the dossier, she's clever, sporty,

musical and artistic...

..with a passion for ballet, tap and modern.

-HAIRSPRAY HISSES

-Shh!

Did you just shush me?!

Heavens, no. Just... Must be a bad line.

MRS GRIGGS HISSES

Her name is Clementine Moustache.

-Repeat it back to me.

-Clementine Moustache?

Oh - you mentioned "ballet, tap and modern".

I did.

She could be my new leading lady, in Jazz Hands!

You will inform Mrs Jones of Clementine Moustache's arrival

immediately following this call.

Message received and understood?

Roger that! By which I mean, yes. Thank you for your...

PHONE HANGS UP

Wow. Just... wow!

I saw Matt do it -

in my dreams.

I think it's called a "fist bump".

OK, so we ring back tonight leaving Mrs Griggs a message,

saying Clementine's exploded -

or whatever...

..and it's bye-bye Clementine Moustache!

It's a shame, really. We could have been BFFs...

..or BFs.

Well, definitely Fs.

KEYBOARD TAPS

Going to win you a little roommate, Mr Trophy.

Can't have you being lonely for another year.

Ooh, that's good.

Award-winning.

First prize award-winning.

Right, Clementine...

you can have my mouth, Lily's forehead,

and what shall we do with your hair?

Chess club, archery, sewing and crafts... Oh, she'll love that.

My, my, Clementine, you are a busy girl!

Trendy haircuts?

Clementine knows all about them.

"This cut was all the rage at Milan Fashion Week."

Yes!

I can hand it in early!

COMPUTER BEEPS MODEM SCREECHES

SHE YELPS

No-no-no-no-no!

Please don't do this! Please don't do this!

SHE YELPS

We have a code lilac.

I repeat, a code lilac.

This is not a test.

Well, it's a virus, obviously.

A beautiful specimen.

I've never seen coding like it.

Everything's gone.

Control, Alt, Deleted - as we say in the trade...

SHE YELPS

It's wiped out every device in the house.

I'm going to have to recover the hard drives from scratch.

It'll take about a week.

But my essay is due in tomorrow!

-I need to start again - now!

-You can.

You'll just have to do it by hand. SHE YELPS

-I wish you wouldn't do that.

-I wish this hadn't happened.

Martha?

You won't tell anyone about...this...will you?

SHE YELPS

I'll just take that as a no.

So, Lily - was your school ID lost, stolen,

eaten by a pet and/or sibling,

sold, put in the washing machine, or other?

Does it have the option,

"I was doing up my underpant elastic shoelaces

"and a car drove off with it"?

I'll just tick "Other".

It's all the rage in Milan, according to Clementine Moustache.

Clementine Moustache?

Excuse me?

Oh, nothing.

I was just...hearing things.

Jazz Hands!

Any other tips for the new kid at school?

PHONE BEEPS

In the canteen, the vending machine eats your change,

the cutlery already has food on it, and NEVER eat the fish fingers!

They refused to cook fish fingers at my old school.

Ask me why.

Why?

They had bigger fish to fry!

Ha, I made Matt LOL!

I made Matt LOL!

Clementine made Matt LOL. Clementine made Matt LOL.

How's it going?

I've calculated my average words per minute

and how many minutes there are until the deadline,

then factored in sustainability variables and unforeseeable risks

to plot this chart.

If I follow it to the letter, I'll complete my essay on time.

Which means...?

I don't have time to talk.

Hey, Lils. What you doing?

Shh! Lost, Mr Furnish?

The gymnasium is down the hall.

Thanks for caring, Mrs Jones, but I've found what I was looking for.

Sorry.

Don't worry, that's OK.

You never told me you had a cousin.

Because I don't.

Your sense of humour is just like Clementine's.

You know about Clementine?

Shh! Last warning, Mr Furnish.

We've met.

What? Where?

Online. But I was kind of hoping you could introduce me,

seeing as you're blood and all.

But it can't appear as a set up.

It's got to be, "Oh, fancy meeting you here"

and I'll take it from there.

-Huh?

-I've got it!

You could arrange for us to sit together at the essay awards thingy.

Is that cool?

-Yeah...

-Sweet!

Right, Mr Furnish. Time to vacate the premises.

The film was way, way better.

How does Matt know about Clementine?

How can he have met her online?

-BOTH:

-Jas!

Shh!

Tell us everything.

You're going to love this.

Clementine's clever, she's funny, she's sporty,

she's a chess club queen...

and you should see her grades.

Girls, meet Clementine!

What have you done to her hair?

I got a little creative.

You created a monster.

No, I've created the most popular kid in school.

Six teachers voted for her?

She built them an app that automatically grades homework.

I only did this - all of it -

to keep Lily out of trouble.

The more proof that Clementine exists,

the more people will think she's real.

What else have you done?

You know I said Clementine's great at everything?

Yeah?

And you know Mrs Griggs' dance troupe, Jazz Hands?

-Yeah?

-Well...

How is Clementine going to audition for The Lion Queen?

DRUMROLL

Without further ado,

I'd like to introduce the newest addition to Jazz Hands -

Clementine Moustache!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Ollie, as we agreed, in exchange for - well, doing this -

You get my signed photo of Professor Brian Schmidt,

which I know you've wanted

ever since he touched it with his lovely pen.

I don't care about his pen.

I care about his research into cosmological probes.

One more minute...

I'll miss you so.

-Let the show begin!

-APPLAUSE

-I've changed my mind.

-You can't back out now!

Those kids have come to see you.

No, they haven't - they're all on detention.

Apart from Matt. He's here to see Clementine -

and that's nearly sort of you!

Clementine Moustache?

Think like a lion, move like a lion.

You are a lion.

-APPLAUSE

-They'll eat him alive.

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Encore!

They loved you, they really loved you!

Computers... Circuit boards...

Binary numbers...

Must...purge...my...soul...

Let's get you cleaned up before someone comes.

Hey, Clementine. That was awesome!

I've never seen anyone dance like that before. Where did you learn?

What's wrong? Why aren't you saying something?

It's because he's...SHE's... still in character!

When she's in that mask, she IS a lion.

Isn't that right, Clementine?

Wow. That's dedicated. Let's take the mask off, then...

OLLIE ROARS

So wild, so untamed!

Yeah... Lily's setting us up at that essay awards thingy.

Do you think I've got a chance?

With Clementine, anything can happen.

Growl!

-Shhh!

-Sorry.

SCANNER BEEPS

There's no barcode.

I don't make the rules, I just have the pleasure of enforcing them.

Um... It's not my essay!

-What? Well, whose is it?

-It's...

Clementine Moustache's.

-Yes, your niece...

-Cousin.

-Cousin?

-Niece.

Exactly - and as you know, she's banned from the library,

so she couldn't hand it herself

And she doesn't have a barcode sticker thingy

because she's only just started here.

It's highly irregular.

Please accept it, Mrs Jones. She's worked so hard.

And she really needs to win this competition again.

I mean, for the first time.

For you, I'll allow it.

Thank you so much...

which is what I imagine Clementine would say.

Finished. 3,000 of the finest words you will ever read -

written by hand.

I knew you'd do it.

Thanks, Lily.

Oh, and, good luck!

Oh... Thanks, and you.

Oh, it looks like they've posted

the Excellence in the Written Word results.

Oh. I might go and take a look.

Yes. So might I.

Yes! Yes...

You entered as Clementine?

Well, I had to. I lost my barcode.

But I still won...

Yes!

No, you didn't. Clementine did.

They chose her because she's popular.

She creates apps for teachers, sets hair trends, and makes Matt LOL.

You turned this into a popularity contest.

Second place is still good.

You're not even listening.

How long do you think you can keep this going?

What are you going to do

when Clementine doesn't show up at the awards ceremony, huh?

Well...I'll accept it on her behalf.

Come clean, Lily. This is getting out of hand.

I can't.

Who are you?

You OK?

Try the opposite of OK.

KO...?

Here we are again. Another year, another award, blah, blah, etc.

So, in third place, we have Jasmine Salford.

In second place, Martha Fitzgerald.

But the winner of the award for Excellence in the Written Word -

and quite possibly the finest dancer

to ever grace these hallowed halls - is...

-Clementine Moustache!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Clementine Moustache?

I'm afraid Clementine can't be here, because...

AUDIENCE GROANS

..she's not really my cousin...

-Niece.

-..niece.

-Cousin.

In fact, the truth is...

..she's not real. AUDIENCE GASPS

I made her up.

I made a mistake.

I told a little white lie.

And Clementine...was that lie.

AUDIENCE GASPS

And to keep me out of trouble,

my friends did everything they could to help me out.

But rather than thank them, I lost focus of what matters.

It's not important who wins, or who's most popular.

What matters is friendship.

Take a look around you.

These are your friends.

These are your Clementines.

Only, they're real.

You wouldn't be you without them...

and I wouldn't be me without my friends.

That is what Clementine's taught me -

and that is what Clementine can teach all of us...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LILY COUGHS MIC FEEDS BACK

I'm afraid Clementine can't be here...

..because, um...

..cos she exploded!

AUDIENCE GASPS

What?

Yeah. Just like that. Bang!

Um...

So, the winner is Martha!

Well done, Martha!

APPLAUSE

How do you mean, she exploded?

Lily...?

Lily...?

I can't believe I got banned from the library for a whole month.

I can't believe our only punishment for creating Clementine

was to wear these signs...

And I can't believe you gave me the trophy.

Well, I guess you're right.

I did turn it into a popularity contest.

Not that you're unpopular...

Let's just call it a joint award...

..but I get to actually keep it.

Excuse me, I think someone from this school

left their bag on the back of my car?

My bag!

-Your bag?

-Yeah!

Thank you so much, Mrs...

Moustache. Clementine Moustache.

LILY SCREAMS

Grey. Gail Grey.

Well...I'd best be off.