Love Machine So Awkward

What?

Nothing. I'm just glad we're finally on a date.

Yeah. To think we've liked each other...

-All this time... BOTH:

-..and were both too shy to say!

There's just so much to say, I don't know where to start.

I think I know what you mean.

Oops! Sorry!

You were saying?

Oh, no,

Matt, have I paused you?

What...are you...doing?

Make...it...stop...!

AT HIGH SPEED: Stop doing that, you're making it worse.

Call an ambulance or something.

IN SLOW MOTION: Please...just...try.

It's OK! I'm me again!

-SLOWED SPEECH:

-What a relief! I thought I'd never get you back!

SHE GASPS

Isn't plant species compatibility just marvellous?

The very stuff of life.

Oh, look, it's me, a lily!

Lilies have a scaly underground bulb

and large trumpet-shaped heads...

-I'm not named after the flower.

-What else are you named after, then?

Other girls...called Lily.

I'm named after the name.

Fascinating!

The common fig and the creeping fig

are not meant for each other after all.

I can't take it any more.

Oh, come on. Where is your sense of curiosity?

-What would Lily say if she were here?

-I can't take it any more.

I can't say one thing normal in front of Matt.

Last night, I had a dream we were stuck on different speeds.

Do you think that's telling me something?

Don't eat cheese before bed.

That we just might not be compatible!

If I can't act normal around him, what hope is there?

I might just give up.

Yeah.

This is the bit where you talk me round.

Oh, sorry. You made a compelling argument.

-I know! I know!

-I feel a bad idea coming on.

Three words - plant species compatibility.

Not even close to the three words I was thinking of.

Don't you get it?

We can assess your and Matt's compatibility

using the plant species comparison software!

You do know I'm not an actual lily, right?

Obviously, despite your...

trumpet-shaped head.

All we have to do is create a human database instead of plants.

It'll work out which people are right for each other.

And where are you going to get this human database?

-BELL RINGS

-Leave that to me.

I'm just glad she's finally woken up to the joys of hybridisation.

Open it. I've only gone and done it.

Oh...

Made your laptop into a toastie maker?

That's where it went!

Oh.

I've hooked the plant compatibility software

up to the school database.

It now compares couples! I call it the Love Machine.

You hooked it up to the school database?!

Relax, it's only slightly illegal.

Let the Love Machine predict.

See! There's nothing to worry about.

But what's that 3% not compatible?

Nothing.

Little stuff, like you not being into sports,

-and his earlobes.

-What about his earlobes?

One's bigger than the other, flaps like a cat door.

That bothers you a bit - so that goes in the 3%.

I've never even noticed that!

Oh, yeah.

What's the other 3%?

I'll e-mail you the list.

Your turn.

Who's your most compatible mate...?

COMPUTER PINGS

Well, I never saw that coming.

-BOTH:

-Really?

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

My turn!

Love Machine - predict!

Mrs Griggs! That's got to be a mistake.

Look, the school database has parents and teachers on it too.

You clicked on your dad's profile by mistake.

Ah. So, Mrs Griggs is my dad's perfect partner...

Mrs Griggs is my dad's perfect partner!

Delete! Delete! Oh, it's burning my eyes!

You just saved the report and posted it on Mrs Griggs' profile.

Ahh!

Now you've posted it to everyone on the database...

Ahh! Undo! Undo my life!

Now you've killed the Love Machine.

I've got to stop this!

I've got to get to another computer!

Apparently we have a high intraspecific hybridity.

-I'm sorry?

-We're made for each other.

Based on what?

Based on proven species compatibility software.

-Jas turned it into an annoyingly accurate Love Machine.

-Huh.

That's what I said.

So...it's based on science.

-BOTH:

-So it must be right.

-What now?

-I guess we're a couple.

-Excuse me.

-Hoy!

Come on...

Please delete, please delete.

Sorry. Love emergency.

-What are you doing?

-Hmm?

Oh. Well, I got this text book on the subject - how to be a couple.

It says we should hold hands. So...

Oh. That makes sense.

Oh, and I got you these.

Thank you.

What do I do with them?

Nothing. It's just a sentiment.

So, they have no practical application?

They just show I care.

You killed a plant. How does that show you care?

Um...

..I don't know.

I can't believe another laptop's just died.

I guess it was its time.

Oh...argh!

Mrs Griggs.

Oh, come on. Just get out!

What do you mean, "Mrs Griggs"? What does that mean?

Oh!

She's adorable, isn't she?

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

I can't breathe!

-What's wrong?

-Nothing.

Just...

Cringe attack!

Oh. Oh, come on!

It's OK, Jas, it's OK.

The most important thing is Mrs Griggs doesn't find out

that Dad thinks she's adorable.

Your father thinks I'm adorable?

Admirable. He admires you.

As a woman.

As a... As a...thing!

Teacher!

Teacher.

It's funny you should bring him up.

Something came to my attention concerning him yesterday.

Oh, no.

Before then, it hadn't occurred to me, but then I realised, actually...

he's perfect.

What's that?

I wondered if you wouldn't mind giving him this letter.

-It's from me.

-No!

-I beg your pardon!

No...problem!

Oh, curse that Love Machine!

Matt says, "No way" a lot.

Even though there is a way.

Pfft!

I can handle that.

Channel surfs, laughs at anything...

chews food noisily!

I've never even noticed that!

HE CRUNCHES

Hey, Lils.

-Lils?

-Sorry,

Um, I was...doing a sum in my head.

-No way.

-Way.

I've got to lobe - GO! I've got to go.

It doesn't matter, Lily. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter.

It matters!

Curse that Love Machine!

Do you feel anything?

I feel your hand.

Anything else?

Awkwardness. What about you?

-Do you think about me when we're apart?

-No.

-Have you ever scribbled my name on your pencil case?

-No.

Does your heart skip a beat at the very mention of my name?

Ollie.

I'm more compatible with this book!

But it must be right, it's science.

If it isn't then what next?

The theory of relativity?

Don't even joke.

But what if we've been living a lie?

What if science has...

-Don't say it!

-..betrayed us?

Oh, you said it. You said it.

Curse that Love Machine!

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

HE CRUNCHES

"It's not your letter, you can't open it."

But I need to know for sure!

"But it's private."

"Do you want your step-mum to be Mrs Griggs?"

"OK, you win, open it."

"Dear Mr Salford, it would be an honour if you would go out..."

Argh!

I feel bad.

OK, that's gone. Just relief now.

Phew! Glad that's gone!

"Dear Mrs Hampton, it would be an honour if you would go out

"of your way to contribute to the school fair once again..."

Blah, blah, blah...

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in!

You wanted to see me, Mrs Griggs?

Ah, yes. Lily, would you mind giving this to your mother?

The school fair is upon us, and it occurred to me yesterday that

your mother could supply the weird food.

The what?

I mean food.

Cool!

Hey, Lils.

Hey, Matt. What are you doing tonight?

Uh... nothing.

-Great. Want to hang out?

-Uh...yeah, OK.

Cool. See you then.

Martha, I'm cured! I can be normal around Matt!

All that 3% stuff has made me feel...

not intimidated by him any more.

For the first time ever, I wasn't awkward, I was cool!

I was cool, Martha!

You're celebrating losing your quirky individuality

and becoming another dull member of the herd?

I know, isn't it great?!

And for the first time ever I asked him to hang out.

-Can you believe that?

-I

-asked him.

This Love Machine has transformed me! Do you want to come?

We can double date with you and Ollie.

For so many reasons, a scenario I never saw coming.

Come on, it'll be fun. The Love Machine says so.

-Pfft!

-Pfft?

Yes, pfft. Science has broken my heart.

Aw, you're jealous.

No, I'm not. That's the problem.

Science says I should be and I'm not.

Everything I believe in is wrong!

It's OK, calm down. Breathe.

You're just not used to it, that's all.

Not a problem. I can teach you how to be jealous.

I'm no expert, but this sounds like one of those things that ends badly.

Do you want science to be right or not?

What do I have to do?

Simples. Just give him the silent treatment.

Jas!

Did your father receive my letter?

-What was his response?

-Um...

We should...sit down.

-Mrs Griggs, my father has declined.

-Oh!

But I don't want you to feel bad. It's not you, it's him.

But I need him.

You'll learn to move on. Everybody does.

Listen, if it's an issue of money,

I can pay him.

Mrs Griggs! You are an attractive woman.

Oh! Thank you.

-You don't need to do this.

-But I need a bouncy castle!

I don't know what that means, and I don't want you to tell me.

-I've left it too late.

-Not true. Not true.

You've got plenty of time to find someone.

Just let this one go.

I haven't seen you for 16 hours and 12 minutes.

Where have you been?

Longitude and latitude will suffice.

Hmm. Curious...

Subject displays selective perceptual impairment -

possibly both visual and auditory.

I shall investigate further.

-Stop it! I'm giving you the silent treatment.

-Why?

Lily said it would convey my anger.

What are you angry about?

About you talking to another girl.

-That bothered you?

-Apparently.

-Hmm.

Well, your attitude is making me angry.

-It is?

-Yes.

Doesn't say why though.

You're irrational. I think this is a fight.

Ah, yes. Neither of us are rational during a fight.

What do we do now?

Um, we storm off.

-No, I think in different directions.

-Right.

-I just got a voicemail from Mrs Griggs.

-Really?

She said she was offended that I turned her down

and she thought I'd be perfect.

Drunk, obviously.

OK, it was me.

I told her you weren't interested.

Why would you say something like that?

Look...

I just feel that...we don't spend enough time together.

Yes, that's it.

And that, if you did this...

the thing with Mrs Griggs,

then we'd spend even less time together.

Yes, that makes sense.

But... We're with each other every day.

Good point.

Um, well, I'm worried that

I'd lose your attention.

OK...

I won't get involved.

Just for you.

Let's spend more time together instead.

Thanks, Dad.

Do you want to watch Dog Hospital with me?

Can't. Got stuff to do.

You are sending mixed signals.

You need to make your feelings more clear.

OK, that's...pretty clear.

What's up with them two?

They're having a couple fight.

They're a couple?

Only in the way that gloves are a couple.

There's something...different about you.

You seem...

HE CRUNCHES

-Cool?

-You're always cool.

-Really?

-To me.

Really? Cos, like...

Normally I, like, think I make a bit of a...

'Don't say donkey. Don't say donkey.'

..donkey of myself.

-Donkey?

-Yeah.

Donkey.

Like, you know, like...

'DON'T do the donkey noise.'

HEE-HAW!

What's wrong with you?

Don't you see?! He's completely adorable!

That's so annoying.

It means I'm falling for his quirky traits.

All his little habits - they're suddenly becoming cute!

Suddenly, I LIKE the way he eats.

And don't even get me started on his sweet little earlobe.

So...

So, he's perfect again!

And I'm back to being intimidated.

What is this madness?!

Does it matter?

DOES it matter?!

I lost my cool. I had cool Martha, and I've lost it.

Come on. It's not that bad.

I made a donkey noise.

A very authentic one.

You make a compelling argument.

And you couldn't give the little guy another chance?

HE SOBS

That's a sad episode.

Sad episode.

Dad...? Are you OK?

Of course, sweetheart. Just got...

something in my eye.

Tears!

It's tears!

My dad's lonely and I think it's my fault.

Me preventing him seeing Mrs Griggs is obviously breaking his heart.

What's with you guys?

Lily lost her cool and science broke my heart.

-Ollie and I aren't compatible.

-How are you not compatible?

You share all the same interests, do everything together,

can be mistaken for each other in the dark...

But we don't feel anything for each other.

What do you call admiration and respect?

Not to mention irritation and disdain?

You're saying there are different types of compatibility.

No, but OK.

Where are you going?

To win science back!

Where are you going?

To hook up my Dad and my headmistress.

Um... Who's going to fix my cool?

-My Dad would like to apologise...

-Hmm.

-..and would...

SHE CLEARS THROAT

..love to accept your invitation.

Oh, I see. Changed his mind, has he?

Just like a man.

He's really sorry.

Well, you can tell him he's too late.

I've found someone else.

Time to step it up a gear, Jas.

I figured it out -

we're using the wrong book!

"Compatible. Well suited or able to exist together in harmony."

There are different types of compatible.

There are different types of couples!

-Like friends...

-Who finish each other's sentences!

I was going to say, "Aren't romantic."

Whatever! We don't have to be the gross kind of compatible!

I know! Which also means...

-BOTH:

-Science IS right!

So...what now?

I guess we've broken up.

Dad, I'm sorry.

-What'd you break?

-A woman's heart?

-Eh?

-Forget that.

I feel bad about the other night.

The chocolate bar in the washing machine? Or chewing my phone?

No, the other night when I said you don't spend enough time with me.

-Oh.

-Well, you do. Loads.

I take up all of your time and it's not fair.

-You deserve a life too.

-I can go salsa dancing again?

No, I mean the thing with Mrs Griggs.

I'm cool about it so you have my blessing.

That's very nice of you, sweetheart,

but you forget that it was tonight and you've already turned her down.

Well, I've got a solution for that.

Just turn up and give this to Mrs Griggs.

It'll take care of everything.

Go! Get out of here, big guy.

What's in the envelope?

A recorded love poem.

It's beautiful, if I do say so myself.

Sure to melt Mrs Griggs' frozen heart.

You're in some weird territory.

I stitched it together with samples of my dad's voice...

That must have taken a while.

Sorry I'm late. I just had a 15 minute conversation with Matt

and I managed to do three animal impressions.

But, hey, that's normal, right?

What's that?

It's a request for my mum to help out at the school fair.

This is all about the school fair?

Didn't your dad get one?

Mrs Griggs wanted someone with a bouncy castle.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no!

Is she worth following?

She recorded a love poem for Mrs Griggs, with her dad's voice...?

Yes, she is.

VARIOUS VOICES: 'I've never imagined that there could be this day.

'A day that lo-o-o-ove might find its way

'out of my heart and into your soul.

'These feelings I have are beyond my control.

'All my life I have waited patiently for a goddess like you -

'so beautiful, so lovely.

'Words can't express the way I feel.

'These feelings towards you are all for real.'

That's beautiful.

It's adorable.

CURSE that Love Machine!

Subtitles by Ericsson