Fitzgerald vs Fitzgerald So Awkward

The results of your careers predictor test are in.

Don't tell me - Prime Minister?

Or is it Nobel Prize Winner for World Peace?

Actually, it's neither.

It says you're most suited to stay at home and not pursue a career.

Excuse me?

Stay at home.

And in a change to the curriculum,

you've actually been pre-designated a husband.

A what-band?

Ollie?

Hello, Ollie. Can you show in Scott, please?

Martha, Scott. Scott, Martha.

You make a lovely couple.

SHE SCREAMS

So, you dreamt you had a husband? What was he like?

He's... Forget about it! You're missing the point.

It was a dream - a nightmare - about my future career.

Ah, I see.

Today's visit from the careers guidance counsellor has

manifested itself into your REM brain activity.

I thought as much. I was hoping she'll confirm I've chosen the right

career from this list.

Wowser, this is...pretty long.

That's just the contents.

Atomic scientist,

aerospace engineer,

cathode timeloop technologist?

You know, I'm not sure that's a career, but if it is...

then I want in!

So which one did you plump for?

Martha? Martha?

All I'm saying is we're young.

Why should we pick what we want to do now?

Yeah, forget the future. Enjoy today for the gift it is.

That's why it's called the present.

A motto-for-the-day app.

My mother always says that choosing a career is life's most

important decision. So why wait?

Because Jas can't even choose what colour socks to wear.

Rude!

How did they get there?

This is it, ladies.

What we're about to hear will open our minds,

jump-start our imaginations and help us choose our careers.

Are you ready to meet the women we're destined to become?

Not really.

Let the inspiration begin!

Choosing the right career isn't easy.

That's why I'm here.

To stop you making ridiculous choices, ruining your lives

and regretting it forevermore.

Right, well, thank you.

THROAT CLEARS

Any questions for Mrs Lazarus?

No? In that case, I'll ask one.

Do you think it's possible to change careers late in life?

I'm asking for, um, a friend.

A common question -

but no. Definitely not.

I'll, um, tell my, um, friend it's a maybe.

Don't. It's a no.

So you can discuss your career plans with Mrs Lazarus, Mrs Rennison

has drawn up a schedule. First up is...

Martha Fitzgerald, human rights lawyer.

It's my natural calling.

After all, it's in my DNA.

I've got my mother's ambition and intellect,

so why not follow in her footsteps?

So if you'd just confirm my decision, I'll be on my way.

SHE BLOWS NOSE

You want my advice?

Advise me.

Aim lower.

Thank you, I knew you'd...

Pardon?

Statistically, it's virtually impossible you'll become a

human rights lawyer. Do you even know what they do?

I doubt it. I repeat - aim lower.

Choose a simpler career.

What - why would I?

Aim lower.

-Have you seen my grades?

-Aim lower.

I never lose an argument.

I'm just going to keep saying aim lower. Try me.

I am rarely, if ever, wrong.

Aim lower.

Believe me, you'll look back on this day in a few years...

..and thank me.

The day I've always feared has arrived.

Look.

"From today, for sixth formers only."

They've banned us from the school vending machine.

It's part of the school's so-called healthy eating drive.

I can't survive without snacks.

SHE INHALES DEEPLY

I feel weak already. I do funny things when I'm hungry.

I'm hungry. Shall I call the police?

BOTH: No!

This is a nightmare!

This is perfect!

This is the perfect opportunity to show Mrs Lazarus

that I can be a human rights lawyer.

This is clearly an injustice. An abuse of our human rights.

You're right. It is!

We're just as entitled to use that machine as the sixth formers.

We can't just sit here, do nothing and accept it.

So what are we going to do now?

We need a strategy. Think, Martha.

I'll call the police.

BOTH: No!

It could be worse, Martha.

She told me I was destined to be a technical support engineer.

That's good, you like tech.

Yeah, I love tech.

But I don't love spending my days with bumbling fools

who have no idea how to work a computer.

That's my idea of hell. Hell.

Thanks for updating the antivirus software on my laptop, Oliver.

Always a pleasure, Mrs F.

"Bumbling fools"?

-COUGHING:

-Present company excluded.

Now to business.

Aim lower, Martha?

I've never heard such nonsense.

Avoid disappointment by not even trying?

If I hadn't aimed high from a young age, I wouldn't be where I am today.

That's what I said.

Martha, mug handles face west to maximise space.

Of course.

Attention to detail, Martha. That's the key to success.

So now you must prove to yourself that you can jolly well

achieve anything you put your mind to.

Starting with the vending machine injustice?

Good, we're on the same page.

Stage a protest against the out-of-touch,

fuddy-duddy school governors.

Yeah! Show them who's boss, Mrs F.

That's correct, Oliver.

But you're chair of the "fuddy-duddy" school governors.

That means I'll be protesting against...you?

True, but you're making an elementary mistake.

Don't think like a daughter, think like a human rights lawyer.

Blood is thicker than water but justice is thicker than blood.

Did you just make that up?

Yes, I did.

Nice sentiment, Mrs F.

Thank you, Oliver.

Honestly, I'd like to give Mrs Griggs a piece of my mind.

Promise me you won't do that.

Would you like an honest reply?

Yes.

Then don't ask me to promise.

I'll show Mrs Lazarus I can be a famous dancer.

Famous dancer, famous dancer, famous dancer, famous dancer...

Oh. Headteacher!

It must need more oil.

Are you sure this is necessary?

We've been through this.

The bubbles draw attention to our cause without causing any

irreparable damage to the property.

Nobody seems to care.

They just need some encouragement. Watch this.

CHANTING: What do we want? Sweet justice!

When do we want it? Now!

What do we want? Sweet justice! When do we want it? Now!

Everyone! What do we want? Sweet jus...tice...

Permission to stop blowing bubbles?

Granted.

Right, we need to take this down the official route. Follow me.

..and therefore, I formally request the paperwork

to the new school vending machine policy.

School policies can only be viewed by the policy makers.

School Policy - Section 8, Clause 6.

Ouch! Love-15.

Yet students have the right to request copies of school records.

Section 3, Clause 8.

15-all!

That's true, but Section 5, Clause 3 states that only

applies to records in which they're mentioned by name.

Ohh... 15-30.

Indeed, yet school policies use the collective term "students"

to represent each individual.

Therefore, I am, indirectly, mentioned by name.

I'll need a specific clause for that, please.

Ahh...

If you'll excuse me one moment?

CLOCK TICKS

How's your mum, Lily?

Er... yeah, she's fine, thanks.

That's it!

This computer is so slow.

Oh, have you tried defragging the...

-MUFFLED:

-I will not become a technical support engineer.

Are you all right?

Defrag the hard drive!

It worked! My own little tech support elf.

It's official. I'm in hell.

Section 10, Clause 13!

I'm impressed.

Look, collect 50 signatures on a petition within 24 hours

and you can appeal the decision. Section 8...

Clause 6!

Exactly. But you didn't hear it from me.

Now, here's the new vending machine policy.

OMD!

You are not going to believe who's authorised it.

How could you?

I agree with the policy. Healthier kids are happier kids.

According to who? You? It should be an individual choice, not yours.

What are you suggesting? I can't just undo my decisions willy-nilly.

-That's not how life works.

-Mum, please don't say willy-nilly.

This is your moment, Martha.

Build a strong team around you, back me into a corner.

Leave me no option but to revoke my decision.

But you're my mother.

Blood is thicker than water, but...

Justice is thicker than blood.

That's my girl.

Martha.

I'll see you in court.

Famous dancer, famous dancer, famous dancer, famous dancer...

Headteacher again?!

SHE GROANS

SHE SCREAMS

Feeling any better?

They feel abandoned.

I meant you, not the snacks.

Maybe this will cheer you up.

Ta-da!

Is that from the machine?

No, I got it on my way to school.

It'll taste wrong.

Of course it won't. It's exactly the same. Try it.

Ew!

Your act of kindness is noted,

but it just doesn't taste of the machine.

Listen up, team.

The rules state we have to get 50 signatures in black ink

on plain, white, unlined paper.

Simples.

They do this in team building.

We have one hour to get the signatures. We can do this.

Can I help you?

Oh, hello, Mrs Rennison.

Your hair looks lovely.

Have you done something different? Makes you look younger.

Seeing you unexpectedly like this reminds me...

Is the 2.00 one-to-one session with Mrs Lazarus still free?

Um... Yes.

Great, then book it in for...

Sorry, could I have a name please?

INDECIPHERABLE MUMBLE

No, no, I need a name. School policy.

Surely as headmistress I'm above the rules?

Name?

Alfred Alfredson?

There's no such student.

Martha Fitzgerald. She's a student.

Yes, and she's already had hers.

Elizabeth...Windsor?

The Queen? Her Royal Highness wishes to discuss her career?

It's for you, isn't it?

Congratulations!

You've passed my Do Staff Members Enforce Policies At All Times? test.

Well done.

Chocolaty chocolate - crispy crisps - sweetie sweets!

Jas, stay focused. And don't call the police.

You're so right, I won't mention snacks again

until we've got ten crisps - signatures.

I can't chew it - do it.

Jas is weak.

Caramel bars, chewy chews, salt 'n' vinegar...

SHE GROANS

Whoops. Did I already say oops? I'll say it again, just in case.

Whoops.

What are we going to get people to sign?

Plain white paper. We need plain white paper.

Pink!

Perfect.

Really perfect.

Did somebody report a paper jam?

BOTH: You didn't see me here, OK?

Kerching!

Plain paper, plain paper.

They're all lined!

Come to your senses yet?

Well, er, Cranmede School has introduced a new policy that

infringes our human rights.

So I'm fighting to get the rule changed with this petition.

Oh, I see. Most admirable.

-Really?

-May I?

Thank you.

"Aim lower."

Any joy?

What are we going to do? We've only got 30 minutes left.

SHE SIGHS

-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-I hope not.

Thank you!

What you doin', Lils?

Is that...bog roll?

Um...

Well, it may look like I'm holding a roll from a bog,

but there's a actually a very good reason for me

to be playing with a roll from a bog...

Less talking, more signing, Matt.

Count me in.

Snacks from elsewhere just taste...

Ew!

They don't taste of the machine.

Good luck, Lils.

27, 28. You need 50 signatures.

Here are the rest.

Plain white paper.

This is highly irregular.

I'm sorry, girls. I don't think I can accept toilet tissue.

No, there's no choice but to say "petition denied".

Nooooooo!

I need my snacks, don't you understand?! I can't be responsible.

I could eat anything. And I mean ANYTHING.

Mrs Rennison, are you familiar with the case of McPitt vs Parchment 1832?

The judge ruled every item is legally binding

if it's signed and dated.

Congratulations, girls.

You've earned yourselves an appeal hearing.

THEY CHEER

Looking at the diaries, the only option is...

-Next week is good.

-Yeah, then you can have time to prepare.

..tomorrow morning.

I believe the phrase is "Oh, dear."

David and Goliath.

Federer and Nadal.

Fitzgerald and Fitzgerald.

Two greats going head-to-head.

Good times.

Don't forget the collar, Martha.

You've got to look the part.

The key to success is...

-Attention to...

-Detail.

'Battery has 1% remaining.'

'Battery level is critical.'

I'll see you...

In court.

Hi, Mrs Fitzgerald, have you seen Martha?

Very funny, Jas. Now, listen up. We're ready for this.

We've earned our right to be here.

So let's go give Lady Justice a helping hand.

Go team Fitzgerald junior!

I even wore matching socks.

They don't match.

Well, they match the other pair at home.

Please tell me you practised your opening speech.

Hello. Vending machines have feelings.

Can you imagine how upset ours is

because so many kids are ignoring her?

If we disrespect computers, we all know where that leads.

Remind us.

The end of the human race.

I rest my case, your honours.

Was I blabbering?

Not at all.

Strike that whole speech from the record. Apart from the word hello.

This policy...

I object!

To what?

-Your argument.

-You haven't heard it yet.

But I know I object.

She's good.

Shall we go?

-This policy...

-You said that.

You interrupted.

I objected.

This policy breaches the human rights

of every non-sixth former at this school!

-I object.

-Why?

This policy improves lifestyle choices by removing temptation.

Shouldn't we be able to choose for ourselves?

The right to choose is earned with age and experience.

Which neatly leads me on to my first witness.

I'd like to call Jas Salford to the stand.

Yes!

BOTH: No!

So, you were a frequent vending machine user, Jas?

Yes, your honour.

And how many days in a given week did it tempt you?

Five, your honour.

Five. And how many times in a given day?

Five.

Five times a day. 25 times a week.

Gasp!

The numbers speak for themselves.

I ask that the judge dismiss this appeal immediately.

I object!

Jas isn't normal.

It's true.

She needs snacks to function. They keep her mind healthy.

If you take snacks away from the Jas equation,

what's left doesn't equal Jas. Is that what you want?

I repeat - 25 times a week.

The numbers are pretty damning.

I told you, Martha, attention to detail, that's the key to success.

Attention to detail, Martha. That's the key to success.

I'd like to call a surprise witness to the stand.

Chair of governors, Mrs Fitzgerald.

Mrs Fitzgerald, do you recognise this signature?

It's my signature.

Mrs Rennison, can you please recite Article 7, Section 3,

Clause 14b of our school regulations?

All school policies should be signed by the chair of governors

or be deemed invalid.

And your point is?

Yes, your point is?

Do you recognise this?

That's my signature stamp.

Your what?

I put it to you, Mrs Fitzgerald, this policy wasn't signed.

It was stamped.

This signature is invalid.

This policy is invalid.

Therefore I ask the court to quash

the new vending machine policy forthwith.

I rest my case.

By the power invested in me, I hereby pronounce the vending machine

open to all students from this day forward and forever, no returns.

Can you get me one of those?

My signature though, not hers.

Time to face the music.

At least I've got you two as backup.

Hello.

Are you OK?

Darling, I couldn't be happier. You were brilliant.

A real chip off the old block. You reminded me of me.

You were a worthy adversary. There's no-one I'd rather lose to.

Now, get to class and learn so you can earn.

(That's Mrs Lazarus.)

Mrs "Aim Lower" Lazarus?

Mrs Lazarus?

I'm Martha Fitzgerald's mother.

She taught us a valuable lesson today.

I'm all ears.

Two words.

Aim. High.

-Silence in court...

-SHE SIGHS

She's flat-lining.

I object. Overruled. So do I.

One snack coming right up.

SHE GASPS

THEY GROAN

I'll call the police.

BOTH: No!

THEY GASP HAPPILY

I made this for you.

It's a T-shirt that says "I'm a human rights lawyer."

I ran out of sequins.

It's perfect.

Famous dancer, famous dancer, famous dancer, famous dancer...

I knew it!

My true calling in life revealed at last.