Read All About It Strange Hill High

# Creepy ain't the word Freaky ain't the word

# Sneaky ain't the word See what I've observed

# As there's no easy way to describe this geeky place

# Even geeky place doesn't tell you what I need to say

# This is Strange Hill! Where a talking frog can eat your face!

# It's very, very random You'll get used to these debates

# If you stick around Although I wouldn't recommend it

# When they use the name "Strange" Mate, they really meant it!

# There's some things in life In which you just don't mess

# On every vest I've got the letters SOS

# Cos you never know what might be Lurking 'round the corner

# Or what they might do If they ever found or saw you

# Keep the lights on In the hallways, all day

# Things won't always Tend to go your way

# Watch your back and be prepared Can't wait for 3:30

# See you there. #

BELL RINGS

Ahhhhhh!

# I'm dying

# And trying and vying and absolutely not lying

# For your l-o-ove girl.

-# L-o-ove girl...#

-Can you stop, please?

Stop singing my favourite tune by my favourite singer,

-who is singing in town this weekend?

-Yes. All that.

Sorry, can't.

MC BoneBag is performing one night only and I've got to see him!

HE BEATBOXES

BoneBag!

Fresh!

You should only sing into a banana

if you want to summon the Lord of the Apes - that's what my mum says.

Maybe she didn't want you singing.

Maybe she didn't want to deal with the terror of the Lord of the Apes.

Well, I've got to see BoneBag, no matter wha-aaaaa?!

Who pasted that notice?!

The Lord of the Apes moves in mysterious ways.

Blessed be he.

GROANING

Hairy, primitive, of mysterious origin...

It's the Ape Lord, himself!

It's just Murdoch, the caretake...

Be you the Ape Lord, Murdoch?

HE GROWLS

I'll take that as an "ook".

Who's walked muddy footprints all over my shiny floor?

Not me.

Not me.

Not me.

I'm going to say, "Templeton".

Next time, leave the outside outside.

I'd be happy never to set foot in the school, if it'd help.

Maybe if he spent less time being so cranky

and more time doing his job, the school wouldn't be falling apart.

Seems fine to me.

Ahhhh!

Extra! Extra!

"School Illiteracy At An All-Time High."

Read all about it, if you can!

-I'll take a paper, boy.

-Thank you, Miss!

The Daily Weekly?

The student newspaper?

Really?

I like to know what's going on around the school.

Becks, the only thing more boring than being a student

is reporting on students.

Being a cow is pretty boring.

Though reporting on cows - that's journalism.

You'd be surprised.

The Strange Hill paper's full of interesting things.

-Student government...

-Yawn.

-..school sports team coverage...

-Snooze.

-..lunch menu listings...

-Snore.

..and, of course, reviews of books, films and local live music.

Blah, blah... Did you say live music?

So, you want to be a reporter, yeah?

No, I just want to review the MC BoneBag concert

for free as a local journalist covering the burgeoning music scene,

locally.

HE BEATBOXES

Shhhhh!

No beatboxing!

Say I happened to have review tickets for the MC BoneBag concert?

What would you do for me?

-Anything at all.

-TELEPHONE RINGS

-You just name it.

-I've got to take this.

TELEPHONE CONTINUES TO RING

Hello? What?! Listen, I've eaten steaks tougher than you.

What?!

Yeah! Oh, yeah?

Oh, speak to my lawyer.

OK. Bye, mum.

SHE KISSES TWICE

Where was I?

You were walking up and down behind your desk.

Oh, yeah.

You said you'd do anything for those tickets.

Write me a page of news and I'll think about it.

I meant to say anything except...

You've got till four.

And you! Get me some photos.

But be careful, it's a jungle out there.

Ow!

Shhhhhh! No paparazzi!

Writing news stories is tough. I need leads!

-Have you got leads?

-What's a lead?

I dunno. But you need 'em for news stories.

How about a tip? Have you got a tip?

Yes. Be a better journalist.

Being a photographer's hard, too.

She said it's a jungle out here,

but I have yet to see any wild creatures.

A chimp!

Savage servant of the Ape Lord!

Yeah! Make sure you capture my good side.

My outside, yo!

Well, there's not really much going on in this school.

But I managed to come up with some good stories. What do you think?

Well, I'd like these more if they were actually true.

You made everything up. It's all lies!

-Let's call it truth-plus.

-Hmmm. The 'plus' being lies.

I mean, come on!

"Mysterious Hopping Virus Plagues School"?

"School Totally Collapses"?!

But the school is falling apart. You said so yourself.

Uh-huh, but I'm pretty sure it's not going to totally collapse by Friday!

You specifically say, "The entire school will collapse

"at 8:15am Friday morning, crushing everybody I don't like."

Hey, it could happen, given the right circumstances.

Multiple Godzillas.

"My new sweater is not the ugliest thing on earth,"

claimed a defensive Stephanie Bethany.

Too late! Presses are rolling!

SHE MIMICS PRINTING PRESSES

When she finds out you haven't found any real news stories,

she's going to eat you alive.

So, you got it?

Yeah, yeah, I got it. A-a-and it's great!

But you can't use it. It's too controversial.

-Says who?

-Abercrombie.

Yeah, he said if this goes to press he'll shut down the paper.

Oh, yeah? Well, nobody threatens me or my paper.

I'm going to put this out as a special edition.

Now, I'm off to cover a fashion show. Where's my driver?!

What just happened here?

I'm that much closer to getting tickets to the MC BoneBag concert.

Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing MC BoneBag,

featuring Mitchell Tanner as audience member!

Woo-hoo!

HE BEATBOXES

Mitchell, your hip hop lifestyle has drained all the ink.

It's OK. We just need more ink.

There's not much ink around these days.

"Supplies. Property of Mr Nos-tra-damus."

Who's Mr Nostradamus?

Oh, he was a teacher who got fired a while back,

for being too unpredictable.

Well, then he won't mind us using his supplies.

Woo-hoo! Look at that! Gangster ink!

That's not what the skull and crossbones means.

-What are you, a square?

-No, it's just...

-A geek?

-No.

-A dweeb?

-Oh!

-A dwerk?

-Ugh, that's not even a word.

It is now.

This looks like ink, so we're going to use it.

Just leave it to Mix Master Mitchell.

Uh-oh.

Mitchell!

No running!

No running!

No running! No running!

Extra! Extra!

Special edition of The Daily Weekly!

Read all about it!

"Newsboy Trampled By Eager Mob"!

Uh! Uh! Uh!

Looks like the edition's a smash hit! Good job, kid.

Isn't she younger than us? And who made her so powerful?

You're just jealous that my make believe stories are better

than your "reality".

They may be entertaining, but at some point people will notice

the school isn't collapsing, there is no outbreak of beards

and the new rugby kit is not covered in...

daisies?

Let's go give our opponents what they deserve.

Yeah, a nice crocheted tea cosy. Yo, yo, yo!

I don't get it.

Me, neither. This stuff just came out my head and...

Now, it's all coming true!

All this, you don't think it's...?

The ink!

I told you we shouldn't use it.

What? No, you, I...

Look, Becks, it's all good.

If everything I write comes true, I'll earn my concert tickets

and no-one gets hurt.

Unacceptable!

It's bad enough I have a school full of odd-looking children,

but I simply cannot run one that's falling apart.

Sir, you all right?

Oh, I'm all right, but you,

you're fired!

OK, so it's not ALL good.

Poor, Murdoch. Poor, sad, crazy, scary, Murdoch.

HE SCREAMS AND GROWLS

You can repair that with a sparring wrench

and some 30/40 waterproof sealant.

The Lord of the Apes, banished from his own kingdom.

Farewell, good ape!

My job!

All I've ever known!

I've got cleaning fluid in me blood!

HE SOBS

I'll take that!

And that, and that!

By reading the story, it comes true!

That's why we've got to get all the papers back

before anything else happens!

Aren't you a little curious to see what happens?

They're just getting to the "Lifestyles" section.

"Hopping Virus Plagues School.

"Although harmless in science lab rabbits,

"a dangerous and hilarious new disease has spread to students.

"It often causes the afflicted to cluck like chickens."

CLUCKING

Like, I did not just do that.

CLUCKING

Mitchell, that is really funny,

but we can't let this get out of control.

A few more minutes, then we destroy all the papers,

put things back as they were and Murdoch gets his job back.

Are you sure it will work?

No, but it makes sense, and we get to destroy stuff.

We've got nearly all the copies back, but there's still one left.

-Why's he got a pig on his head?

-That's not what I wrote.

Here we are.

"All school authorities are now required

"to wear pigs on their heads."

It's a typo. I meant to write "wigs"!

Ha! Pretty good, though! He-he-he!

We've got to get his paper!

I'm going in.

(Pet the pig for me!)

Junior Jumble crossword, you won't defeat me this time!

An eleven letter word for "idiot".

Hmm, that's a real pig scratcher.

PIG OINKS

Mitchell Tanner!

Abercrombie!

That's it! The eleven letter word for "idiot"!

A-B-E...

Huh?!

He-he-he-he!

TANNER!

Don't tell me, buffalo stampede?

Sure, why not?

I know a great hiding place!

I hid there last maths exam.

-I thought you were sick that day?

-Sick of maths, yeah.

-Have you booked the school hiding place?

-No.

Then, I'm afraid, you'll have to leave.

You can't escape me and Piggy Wiggy!

PIG OINKS

That was close.

Hey, look! Murdoch's still here.

The Lord of the Apes is everywhere and nowhere.

Wherever a chimp's without a banana,

wherever a tiny little car needs to be driven,

where... Hey, wait up!

He's heading for the boiler room.

If he fires up the furnace, we can burn the papers.

Come on!

All my life up in flames!

I'm the world's worst caretaker!

And we're all pretty bad to begin with!

Murdoch, stop! I'm sure you can find another job.

Really? A useless, weird old fella that gives kids the creeps?

You're quite good at that.

I'm good for nuthin'!

And the school's going to collapse, thanks to my neglect!

No, wait! It's not your fault!

It's actually sort of funny. You're going to laugh.

See, I wrote these articles...

No, wait!

Somebody else say something! Quick!

Ape Lord, spare my friend and I shall be your loyal chimp for ever.

-OK.

-Ow!

Now I've got the creeps.

I'm sorry, kids.

Sorry I've scared you all these years.

I'm new here. You've only scared me for, like, a few months.

Well, that's kind, in a back-handed way.

My speciality.

Sarcastic kids like you? Hee-hee-hee!

You give me hope for the future.

That's sarcastic, by the way.

What you must think of me!

This one here thinks I'm Lord of the Apes!

And I always thought of you as some sort of Trash Pirate.

Arr, ha-ha-ha-ha!

But what I really be is just the caretaker of this school.

I just wish there was a way to stop it from collapsing.

Aside from actually repairing stuff, that is -

that's a lot of work!

So, you like the easy way out, too?

-Aye.

-My man!

Look, all you have to do is burn these papers.

You mean, we can solve the problem by destroying stuff?

Oooh. Let's have at it!

Not so fast!

Burn those and you're in a heap of trouble.

Those papers are the evidence I need to finally nail you, Tanner.

You'll never stop me, Abercrombie!

Wait, I'm not a super-villain, why am I talking like that?

I'll take those, thank you.

Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Wait, why am I laughing like that?

I'm just a middle-aged headmaster.

Oh, well...Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Mitchell, as long as those papers exist,

your stories grow stronger and stronger!

Look at you!

You, too!

What are we going to do?!

BOTH: Hmmm, yes, yes, mmm...

If we don't do something by 8:15 tomorrow morning,

the entire school's going to collapse!

Indubitably.

Hmmm, if we can't destroy the old papers...

Print some new ones.

Whatever are we to do?

Print a new issue with new stories!

Whatever shall we do, indeed?

Print a cussed new issue with stories that tell the truth

and you'll set everything right!

And do it before the bloomin' building collapses,

ya beardy nitwits!

I know! We'll print a new issue that tells the truth

and that'll set everything right!

To the printing press!

Ooh!

You've got our new, honest stories?

Staying at school late to do extra work

printing totally honest stories, goes against every bone in my body.

Hey!

But you've got to do what you've got to do.

That's good, as I believe I'm turning into a kangaroo.

Mitchell, what are you doing?

Oh, nothing, I was just calibrating the, uh, calibratororor.

OK, she's ready.

Full speed ahead.

Mitchell, is that a good idea?

No worries! This baby was built for speed!

WHIRRING BUILDS

WHIRRING SLOWS

No biggie.

Argh!

NOW, it's a biggie.

I believe I can get it restarted if I prop up the axel supports,

recalibrate the input feeder and unjam the paper feed.

Arr, my thumb!

Thumbs up!

8 o'clock. Only 15 minutes left until the school collapses!

We've got to print those papers, and quick!

Oh, no, we've got company! Bad company!

She'll go bonkers if she catches us issuing the newspaper without her.

What are we going to do?

We could dazzle her with my stunning pictures.

Or, you could distract her with your considerable charm.

Women have been known to faint on my approach.

I was talking to Mitchell.

I'll distract her. You get going and print up the special edition!

Croydonia, have I told you how...fetching you look today?

(Fetching a bone, that is!)

If it's those MC BoneBag tickets you're after, no dice.

How about a bribe?

Mitchell, what's going on here?

Mostly education, bit of sport...

I mean with you. You're up to something.

And I know what it is.

You do?

You are in love with me.

-What?

-I don't blame you. You're only human.

Now, me, I don't usually go for beards.

It's a good policy. I'd stick with that!

But, you know, me and you - maybe it could work.

Let's go to my office and discuss it.

-Oh, Croydonia, I'm so sorry about this.

-About what?

Oh, what are you doin'?!

Ahhhh!

Kissing goodbye to those BoneBag tickets.

Ooh, arr, she be news ready!

Load up the paper and fire away!

I'm back.

What happened?

It's a long, disturbing story

involving me putting the needs of the school before my own happiness,

and if I tell it, I might cry.

So, please, can we just print the paper?

OK, here goes.

PRINTER WHIRRS

Oh, no! It's out of ink.

Ah, it's like the gods are conspiring against us!

Why, Ape Lord, why?!

All that work for one lousy newspaper?

Maybe we could pass it around? Make everyone share?

Share? Stephanie? Tyson? Lucas?

Modern humans? I don't think so.

How else can we spread the news?

-I know! What does everybody love?

-Frogs.

-What does everybody believe in?

-Owls?

What tells a news story without all the hassle of reading?

-A friendly otter.

-TV, of course!

Good morning.

Today's lesson has been cancelled due to an urgent news bulletin

on the emergency school television which you've never seen before

and that's why it looks so odd.

Oh, It must be one of them new no-screen tellies.

Here is the news.

Ahhh!

Strange Hill is no longer falling apart...

..and Murdoch has been reinstated as school Trash Pirate.

It's true. Heh-heh-arrrr!

Which means beards have disappeared, the hopping virus has been cured...

..and, finally,

MC BoneBag, the greatest rapper on earth,

is going to give a free concert on the school field,

starting right...now!

Hurray!!!!

Mitchell, you weren't calibrating the calibratororor at all.

I figured I might not be getting those tickets, so...

You printed another stupid story.

But this is awesome. Now everyone gets to see BoneBag!

Everyone but you, Tanner.

Abercrombie!

About this article you wrote in which I say

I'm most pleased with my "massive year-end results."

Except, of course, the "y" is replaced with an "r".

I assume that's a typo?!

I couldn't resist.

Hey!

Nuh-ha!

Uh-oh.

This next song is dedicated to Mitchell Tanner.

He couldn't be here today, so...

# Extra, extra! Read all about it!

# Strange Hill High's Got your sanity surrounded

# You won't believe It'll leave you astounded

# Rearrange your brain If you stay around it

# Extra, extra! Read all about it! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

# Rearrange your brain if you stay around it.

# Extra, extra, read all about it! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd