Health and Safety Strange Hill High

# Creepy ain't the word

# Freaky ain't the word

# Sneaky ain't the word

# See, what I've observed

# Is there's no easy way to describe This geeky place

# Even geeky place doesn't tell you What I need to say

# This is Strange Hill

# Where a talking frog Can eat your face!

# It's very, very random

# You'll get use to these debates

# If you stick around Although I wouldn't recommend it

# When they use the name "Strange" Mate, they really meant it!

# There's some things in life With which you just don't mess

# On every vest I got the letters S.O.S.

# Cos you never know what might be Lurking 'round the corner

# And what it might do If they ever found or saw you

# Keep the lights on in the hallways All day

# Things won't always Tend to go your way

# Watch your back, and be prepared

# Can't wait for 3:30 See you there. #

BELL RINGS

-TANNOY:

-'Today marks the beginning

'of Public Safety Week here at Strange Hill,

'and I want to stress...'

'Ahhh, owww!'

'Blasted microphone gave me a shock!'

Ooof!

We only have to be safe one week a year? Awesome!

Ow. What did you say?

My glasses are smashed, so I can't hear you.

I was saying I don't care for safety

because I don't like being told what to do.

Mitchell. I think you should take health and safety more seriously.

For the sake of my nose.

Huh! Safety's just another set of rules they want you to follow.

Your opinions intrigue me

and I will continue to listen with great interest.

Hey, tell me to do something and I will do the opposite,

just to spite you.

Please continue.

See? I can't even help it.

Anyway, this whole safety thing's ridiculous.

Hey, look at this.

Who's going to lick the spout?

Besides me, now that I've been told not to.

Ahhh!

Safety? Pfft.

I say leave the worrying to someone else.

Right, we've posted the "Always keep your eyes forward" posters.

Wahhhh!

CRASH!

Tanner! I know you're responsible for this!

All of you, to room 101!

But I didn't do anything!

Exactly! Failed to initiate safety procedure.

Room 101! Step to it!

ALL: Awwww!

Oh!

They call Room 101 the Room of Doom.

Oooh. What is it, a torture chamber?

Worse! The Audio-Visual Room.

Never got detention before. This is very bad.

I don't see how having to watch a movie is punishment.

You've never seen my parents' wedding video, have you?

Today, you're going to be watching a short film.

Can we have popcorn?

This is not a cinema. It's a school.

Can I fall asleep then?

Tanner, you are doing a very good job of testing my patience.

Thank you.

Stop responding to everything I'm saying!

You got it.

Ugh!

You're all going to watch this health and safety film.

Okey-dokey.

And you will not leave until you know the meaning of safety.

Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!

Yes?

Safety. A noun. "Freedom from injury, danger or loss."

Why is it that whenever I say something,

a student feels compelled to answer?

Because it's a school?

Just watch the film. Pay attention!

Step to it!

'"School Safety Can Be Fun!"'

'Or "Teacher, My Arm Came Off!"'

'Here's a school that may look a lot like yours.'

Hey, that is our school!

'Here's a student who may look a lot like you.'

I hope not!

'No-one plans on having an accident.'

'Oops! A pencil's fallen on the floor.'

'It's OK to leave it there, isn't it?'

'Are you sure?'

'Really sure?'

Ahhhhh!

'Fool! Look what you've done!'

'I expect you've learned an important lesson about safety.'

'Now, here's an interesting situation.'

'"Caretaker's Store Room. Danger!" Hmm. What do you think?'

'Is it safe to open this door?'

'Go ahead, then.'

Grrroooowwwwwlllllllll!

'It could be toxic chemicals or a grizzly bear,

'but "Danger" always means beware!'

'Now, let's go outside the school. It's probably safe there.'

'What's this? The school electrical transformer?'

'That sounds like a fun place to play.'

'Really?'

'I was being sarcastic, but go ahead!'

Blawawwaawawawa!

The only Transformer I'd ever play with is Optimus Prime.

Mitchell, make it stop!

Becks. This film is just one of those things adults do to terrify us.

If you're scared, they've won.

But the 1970s do scare me! Do something!

Fine.

'Let's recap on what we've learned so far.'

'Here's a fun, easy way to remember.'

'"APULI-ARWS-ASCOEE".'

'Remember, safety's as simple as "APULI-ARWS-ASCOEE".'

'Now you say it.'

Apples and apricots.

'Good. There's only 30 more rules to remember.'

'Now let's go to the car park and find out how a school bus

'can turn you into a flattened slice of road pizza.'

Uh-oh.

Oh, no, it's death by disco!

Hold on, hold on!

BANG!

Phew.

OK, let's sneak out.

And if we run into Abercrombie,

tell him we watched the whole film and we've all learned our lesson.

I liked the part where the book hit the boy's head.

That movie made me feel like the whole world's a terrifying place

where danger lurks round every corner, like my Aunt Alice's house.

That's what they want you to think, but see?

Here we are, just a nice, regular day at school.

'Yes, it's just a typical day for these students.'

Did you just hear something?

Nah, that film's got you spooked.

It did give me the willies.

It gave me the Arthurs.

Come on. Let's get to class before anyone notices.

OK, class. So, who can tell me what we have learned about Macbeth?

Macbeth? Wasn't she that Scottish girl?

ALL: Ha-ha-ha!

See? No-one's learning anything. Everything's normal.

Too normal. Something's not right.

And since when did Mr Garden smoke a pipe?

You can't smoke in school.

Bex, please, everything's normal. Here, look.

Voila. A loose item on the floor, nothing dangerous happened.

Right. Stephanie, would you come up here

and mangle this passage by Shakespeare?

Ahhhhhhh!

Oh!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Aaaaaaaaah!

It's Beware Bear! What's happening?!

Don't want you to panic,

but somehow, Strange Hill High has turned into the safety film.

Aaah! We've got to get out of here!

'Never run toward the exit. Remain calm.'

Yup. We're stuck in the film, all right.

We'll be right back.

Aaaaaaah!

Grrrrrrrr!

OK, we're trapped inside a safety film,

and there's a bear smoking a pipe.

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.

'There's an emergency situation in your school. What do you do?'

-A.

-I say it's a B.

C! It's got to be C!

Grrrrrrrr!

Runnnnn!

'In a standard evacuation, proceed calmly to the nearest exit

'and meet at your assigned assembly point.'

ALL: Wahhhhhhh!

Oh, no! The exit's blocked.

That narrator is just mocking us, isn't he?

We'll have to find another way out of the school

and out of this crazy safety film.

If we can't go out, we'll go up!

We can get out on one of the fire escapes!

Brilliant! And what does the almighty narrator think of that?

'Now that you've reached the assembly point outside,

'wait for further instruction.'

Oh, you're useless!

Ah, great! Not a smoking bear in sight!

There's the fire escape! Come on!

Wait!

Every normal thing in this crazy school is fraught with danger.

Like this hallway.

I mean, it seems perfectly normal and peaceful, right?

So by the infernal logic of the safety film,

you know what that means?

My friends, standing before us

is the most dangerous hallway in the world.

'A typical hallway in a typical school.'

What did I tell you? Follow me.

Let's be really careful.

Watch out for that water.

Overloaded sockets. That can't be safe!

I think they're trying to tell us something.

I feel like we should be whispering during this!

Good idea!

What are you two saying?

Uhhh...

'Always carry sharp objects such as scissors and daggers

'with the sharp end facing away from you.'

Hello!

Phew!

Almost there!

Just a few more steps and we'll be out of the school

and, hopefully, out of this crazy safety film!

I hope we go into a better film, like The Smurfs.

Uhhhh!

'Loose electrical wiring can pose a tripping hazard.'

'Make sure all wires are properly secured.'

Mitchell. My foot is trapped.

Becky, don't move.

Mitchell, I don't know how long I can last like this!

You go on without me.

No! Never!

She seems OK with us going on.

Hey! We've made it this far together.

We're not going to split up now.

Becky, I'm going to bend down and unhook your foot from the wire.

Do not move until I say so.

And on the count of three, I want you to lower your foot.

Uh...Uh...

What's right above us?

Art room, I think.

Three! Three! Three!

Ahhhh! Ahhh!

I need to hear "one" and "two". Got to hear them.

Cannot flee without a proper count.

Oh, for goodness sake! One, two, three!

Wahhhhh!

It's the papier mache head of Winston Churchill

they're building for school carnival!

Never surrender! Run!

Ahhhh!

'Observe the dress code.'

'Low-slung trousers are forbidden,

'and may cause a hazard to yourself and others.'

Ahhhh!

Hey, what's up?

Ahhhh!

This is the beginning of the end.

Nice! I'm being crushed by our greatest statesman! Innit!

Ahhhh!

Jump when I say.

No count! Now!

Turn! Right, not left!

Quick! Come on!

They do not kid around in this movie, do they?

The exit downstairs is blocked.

And there's no way we're going back down that hallway again.

Our only choice is up.

Up and out of this crazy school.

This is turning into a disaster, this movie we're stuck in.

I'm not allowed to be stuck in any movie over a PG rating.

How much longer do these stairs go on?

We can't go any higher. We're trapped.

How're we going to get out?

Why do I feel like our time is running out?

Perhaps it's the extremely loud ticking

coming from that extremely large clock.

BELL RINGS

That's it! The clock alerts everyone to what time it is.

Let's use it to alert people we're up here!

But it says "Do not touch" and you don't know how it works, anyway.

Becky, you can let ignorance stand in your way,

or you can use it to your advantage.

Aaaaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhh!

It worked! Now to alert the people.

Hellooooooo! We're up here in the clock tower!

They're all gone! No-one's out there!

'Now that the school has been evacuated,

'you can wait in safety at home

'until notified by authorities

'that it's safe to return.'

You enjoy this, don't you, narrator, toying with us?

'It's been a pleasure. This concludes our film.'

Huh, I think the film just ended. But guess what?

We're still here, stuck in crazy safety danger land!

I thought we were supposed to talk in hushed tones.

I know. Let's go back down.

Ahhhh! Wahhhhh!

We HAVE to climb out! It's our only hope.

Come on!

Grrrrrrr!

Wahhh! Don't push...!

Phew!

Aaaah!

Guys, don't leave me hangin'!

Aaaaah!

Man, that was close. At least we're safe now.

BANG!

You know, there might be something to those safety warnings.

Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!

Tannnnnnner!

So...the top of the school is now the basement.

Everything's gone topsy turvy.

Topsy turvy? That means Christmas in July!

Aw, but it also means now I'm a girl. I hate paradoxes!

What it DOES mean is, if everything's flipped,

we need to go UP to the basement.

What good will that do?

We'll still be stuck in this safety film.

Or it might be our way out.

Tell me, what is in the basement?

Rats! Thousands and thousands of rats!

Yes, but also...

The AV room!

That's where all this went wrong.

We get there, we'll find a way out of this film!

(AS A GIRL) Why thank you, young man.

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Templeton, you're not suddenly a girl.

Now he tells me.

Of course, there are some problems we didn't anticipate.

We could just walk up them on their other side.

Templeton! Sometimes your backwards brain is brilliant!

It's not backwards. It's upside down.

It's working!

'Noitcerid etisoppo eht ni klaw reven dna sngis detangised wollof.'

'Ytefas ruoy rof dekram ylluferac era sllewriats.'

What did he say?

He's talking backwards!

By going back in our tracks, we're playing the safety film in reverse!

If we can get back to where we started watching the film,

we can get out!

That's citsatnaf!

Fantastic!

Ahhhhhhhh!

Wahhhhhh!

Aaaaah!

Aaaaaah!

Why are the right way up again and walking backwards,

but not talking backwards?

It means we're not totally absorbed in the film.

And that means we've still got a chance to escape!

Let's keep going!

What's happening?!

This film is too old! It can't take being played backwards!

Stayerenevermooee!

I bet you said "never" in there, but at least it sounded optimistic!

What do we do?

All I know is I'm sick of being told what NOT to do.

That's it! Everyone's always telling us what not to do.

I'm going to break all the rules at once!

What have we got to lose?

Our health and existence?

I'm ignoring signs and touching electronics and breaking objects

and running about and yelling and cursing! Oh, my God, Hobbit!

Ah-ha!

DOOR OPENS

Tanner!

What the devil's happened to my projector?

Shouldn't you be more concerned about your students

and not some piece of cruddy machinery?

No!

I mean, yes.

Students are of some importance to me

in the day-to-day activities of this school.

Activities that sent your students to an alternate dimension

where their lives were in mortal danger?

Yes, I suppose that would be of some concern to me.

Then get rid of this machine right away!

Come on, Abercrombie, step to it!

Murdoch! Murdoch! Help me clean this up!

Fine! I'll do it by myself.

Blblblbllalalalllala!

# So if I'm looking out for you

# See who's looking out for me. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd