Toddler Trouble Zig and Zag

# Five, four, three, two Five, four, three, two, one...

# Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Well, come along for the ride

# You and me and Zig and Zag

# When our weird worlds collide

# It may seem a little mad

# But you can't close your eyes or you'll miss it

# Hold on tight No-one's drive, drive, driving

# It's time to get on with it, not too late

# Start counting, are your engines on? We can't wait

# Count down, it's Zig and Zag time

# Five, four, three, two

# Time for Zig and Zag! #

Ah, what a day! Planet Earth looks so pretty, I could take it dancing.

You're weird.

The majestic trees, the warmth of the sun on your face,

the clown on a spring in the playground, the...

BOTH GASP

BOTH: There's a clown on a spring in the playground! Hee-hee!

What's so great about a clown on a spring in a pla...? Oh.

Wait for me!

Oi! Not so fast, fuzzballs.

This is the toddlers' playground,

and nobody gets in without a toddler.

-But, the clown on a spring.

-You're too old!

And, as long as I'm in charge,

you'll never set foot inside this gate.

Now, 'op it!

-Aww!

-Guys...

Cheer up, guys. There's always a big kids' playground.

-Does it have a clown on a spring?

-No-o.

Right, well, I have to go back to the shop now.

Don't worry about us, Nellie. We'll be fine.

Like the clown on a spring,

we'll bounce back.

BOTH: C-c-c-clown on a spring.

Huh? Zigmund, look! A toddler shop!

Really? That's where humans get toddlers? They buy them in a shop?

-Where do you THINK they came from? A toddler tree?

-Yeah... No.

And do you remember what the warden said at the toddlers' playground?

-We were fuzzballs.

-No, after that.

He said, "Nobody gets in without a toddler."

So, if we buy ourselves a toddler, we're in!

BOTH: ZOG DROP!

HAKA-STYLE MUSIC

BOTH: Oooh!

It's a girl!

OK, Zig, time to hit the toddlers' playground.

They can't turn us away with this little lady. Boo-boo-boo.

I'm hungry. I'm hungry. I'm hungry.

I didn't know toddlers ate stuff!

-What do we do?

-No time for the playground now.

We need to get this kid home and fed.

Hee-hee-hee! Goo-goo-ga-ga.

DOLL WAILS

-Do you see that, Agent Honey?

-They've bought a doll, sir.

That's what they want you to think!

It's a robot toddler, and soon they'll have one in every

human household, just waiting to spring into action on invasion day.

Oh, those evil alien slime!

Hurry up with the fish and toothpaste smoothie!

Something's missing.

-I'm hungry. I'm hungry.

-So you keep saying!

WHIRRING Oh!

What the... Ugh!

The lid, of course.

I knew something was missing.

-Ugh!

-Ugh!

-Is that mackerel?

-Well, something's fishy.

-Ugh!

-Ugh! Focus, Honey. We need to hear what's going on in there.

I want a microphone inside that house ASAP.

But the aliens are home, sir. What are we supposed to do?

Just ring the doorbell and give it to them?

Hmmm.

Come on, goo-goo-goo-goo.

DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it!

-No!

Don't leave me here on my own!

Huh?

Yes! She's asleep! Oh.

QUIETLY: She's asleep.

Ah. Oh. Hmmm.

Ah.

Huh.

Heh-heh-heh! Goo-goo-ga-ga-ga! Hee-hee-hee-hee!

How thoughtful. Someone left a wickle hat for our wickle girl.

Well, she's going to need it,

because we, my fawn-coloured friend, are going to the park!

-Clown on a spring!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Operation Hat-Mic is a go, sir.

-OK, back to the van, Honey.

I don't want to miss a word of this! Ha!

ZAG HUMS

Read me a story. Read me a story.

OK, fine, one story, but then we're going to the playground.

Huh, let's see, we've got... Ah! Ooh, Farley The Fish! Perfect.

-Did you hear that? Uncle Zag's going to read us a story.

-Right.

Farley was a happy little fish, who loved to swim about in his pond.

Aw, the wickle fish in the wickle pond.

What's going on, sir?

Well, apparently, Farley the fish has left his pond,

-and is presently swimming upriver towards the city.

-Hmmm.

Who on earth is Farley the fish?

No idea, Honey, but the river has now dried up,

and he's currently trapped in a pond in the city!

But how is Farley going to get home to his old pond?

I don't know, but it says here, "He missed his mother so much,

"he couldn't stop crying."

I wonder what it all means? Maybe it's code, sir.

How can you think about work at a time like this?

What if Farley never finds his way home to his mom? What then?

What then?

Farley cried and cried until the pond got so full of tears,

it broke its banks and made a new river.

A river that ran all the way back to his own pond.

And in a river of his own tears, Farley swam home to his mother.

-Yeah!

-Woohoo!

-Farley's home!

-Go, Farley!

Now, we're going to the playground.

-Well?

-Farley made it home!

-Permission to woohoo, sir?

-Permission granted.

-Woohoo.

-Everybody ready for the park?

-Wah! Wah!

Flippity flip flop, Zag.

With the crying, you know I can't take the crying!

Maybe if I read Farley The Fish again, huh?

No, that is one emotional rollercoaster

I will not be boarding a second time.

-Huh.

-Wah! Wah!

Hold your horses, Herbie Horse-holder!

I got The Awesome Parents' Guidebook from the toddler shop.

-This will help us.

-Read, Zag. Read like the wind!

Aha! There's a whole chapter on how to stop your toddler crying.

-What's it say?

-Try rocking your toddler to sleep.

Rocking her to sleep? Hmmm.

-Hmmm, I'm not hearing anything, sir.

-Well, turn it up.

-Wah! Wah!

-OK, kid, prepare to be rocked!

ROCK MUSIC

GLASS SMASHES

# Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top Na na na na, na na na na na... #

MUSIC STOPS

Wah! Wah!

Please don't cry.

"Still can't get your toddler to sleep?

"Why not try tiring her out with activities?"

Activities? Hmmm.

SALSA MUSIC

-Tea, madame?

-Ooh, yes, thank you, very nice.

-La-di-da.

-Wah! Wah! Wah!

ELECTRONIC MUSIC

Hello? Guys?

Hello?

Guys?

-Whoa!

-Shhh!

She finally went to sleep, so let's be REALLY quiet, OK?

Errr...

So, what's your plan?

-You're going to hide behind the couch for the rest of our lives?

-No.

-Just until she goes to college.

-Yeah.

-Duh. She's not real.

-It's just a doll.

-BOTH: What?!

-Don't wake her.

-No.

-She's just a little kid's toy.

And she's not asleep, her batteries have run out. Look.

Oh, tres reliefe. I don't think we were quite ready to be parents.

-I'm going to miss her.

-I'm hungry. I'm hungry.

-Don't forget to stay in touch.

-Zig, it's just a doll, remember?

Of course. Silly me.

Call me.

-I'm hungry. I'm hungry.

-Alien robot, intercepted.

Oh, NOW how are we going to get into that toddlers' playground?

-And what are you going to do with all this stuff?

-Hmm.

I've just had an ingenious idea.

How's it going, Honey? Has the evil robot given up any information yet?

Not yet, sir. She keeps saying she's hungry.

-You think we should get her a sandwich?

-Urgh, a sandwich?

Agent Honey, this is the enemy! She gets nothing, you hear me? Nothing!

-OK, Doom-bot. Start talking.

-Wah! Wah!

OK, I'm going to need some toys, lots of sweets...

Maybe a pony?

-Oi! Just a moment.

-Uh...

-Let me get that for you.

-Oh, thank you.

Oh, they're adorable.

I believe this is your stop, boys.

Woo!

BOTH: Clown on a spring!

THEY BOTH GIGGLE

# Five, four, three, two...

# Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Five, four, three, two

# That was Zig and Zag! #