You Want Frights with That Zig and Zag

# Five, four, three, two Five, four, three, two, one...

# Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Well, come along for the ride

# You and me and Zig and Zag

# When our weird worlds collide

# It may seem a little mad

# But you can't close your eyes or you'll miss it

# Hold on tight no-one's drive, drive, driving

# It's time to get on with it, not too late

# Start counting, are your engines on? We can't wait

# Count down it's Zig and Zag time

# Five, four, three, two, time for Zig and Zag! #

'I'm Dirk Dangerpants, and you've been watching

'Ghost Hunters Live If They Weren't Dead 5.

'And this week, fright fans, we're giving you

'a unique spook-ortunity to send in

'your house-haunting home video

'and we'll show the spookiest right here on TV.

-BOTH:

-Oh!

'Oh, and one more thing...

'BOO!'

THEY SCREAM

-Zig, did you hear that?

-Heard it?

Dirk Dangerpants' boo scared the pants right onto my head.

No, what he said about

getting a house-haunting home video on the show.

That would be super-cool!

Yeah, every earthling dreams of

getting their own spooky video on TV, so we should have a go.

Grab the camera and let's get ghost hunting!

And action! Cue ghosts!

CREEPY WHISPERS

THEY SCREAM

Oh! Huh?

THEY LAUGH

THEY WHIMPER

THEY SCREAM

Oh! Not a ghost.

-Toast.

-Mm, toasty.

Argh! It's hideous!

-Hm-hm.

-Oh.

DOORBELL RINGS

What?

All right, all right, we're coming.

Yeah, hold on to your pants.

-Mr Jones.

-Boys, can you hide these for me?

Mrs Jones is on a knitting rampage.

Yikes!

And I'm next.

Don't worry, Earth neighbour, we'll hide them for you.

Yes, hiding is my middle name.

I thought it was Hilary.

Where should we hide these?

We've more important things to worry about,

like how come we spent the whole night ghost hunting and

didn't see a single ghost?

Argh! What's that?

That's the ghoul of my tummy saying, "I need cereal!"

When does a market become a supermarket?

Good question. Chaise la mange and good morrow, Miss Nelly.

We're here to purchase your finest breakfast cereal.

Er, hi, what's-your-name.

Hi, dreamboat-out-of-space-muffin-face.

Wow! Sugar-coated Sugar Bombs, now with extra added sugar.

Clean up on aisle three, please,

clean up on aisle three.

So, what're you up to?

Ghost hunting.

Duh! There's no such thing as ghosts.

What?! Of course there is.

Ghosts have their own TV shows.

I've Seen A Ghost, Dancing Ghosts On Ice,

So Scared I Pooped My Pants and, our favourite,

Ghost Hunters Live If They Weren't Dead 5.

Everyone knows all those shows are fake.

Fake! Really?

I have an idea. Make haste to Zogly Manor, Ziggy boy.

See you, Nells.

SHE GIGGLES

DOORBELL RINGS < Coo-ee!

Hurry boys, it's me!

Oh, it's Mrs Jones.

Oh, wait, Zag, what about the wool?

-The wool, man.

-You hide it,

I'll keep her busy with some riveting conversa-see-oh-nee.

Enchante, Mrs Jones, what a woolly...

I mean wool-derful surprise.

Oh, hello, my favourite purple neighbour.

I was just wondering if you boys had any spare knitting wool.

I seem to have misplaced mine.

Knitting wool. Wool to knit with.

The noble art of the knit.

HE GROANS

Oh!

HE GROANS

Ha-ha, oh, yes, indeed, wool,

made, I believe, from the outside of the sheep.

Oh, yes.

Erm. Wool. Yes.

Wool. From the ancient Egyptian word, "woo-ool."

HE PANTS

Oh! A-ha!

Baa! Baa!

Oh, hi, Mrs Jones.

Zig, I was just asking your brother if you had any spare wool.

I'm sorry, Mrs Jones, we're aliens from outer space.

-Never heard of the stuff.

-Yeah, what he said. Bye.

Oh. OK, thank you.

Ooh, nice hiding place.

Thanks, bro.

Oh, it's raining wool.

How unusual.

So, what do we need to make a really good fake house-haunting home video?

A fake ghost.

Exactamundo.

But what kind of ghost?

It would have to be headless.

Right, give me more.

It would have to have a spooky voice.

If it doesn't have a head, how can it have a voice?

It's just a ghost thing.

So, how did it lose its head?

Oooh... A horrible knitting accident.

Perfect. And finally, this ghost needs a creepy name.

How about Sir Parsley Spittoon, the headless nobleman of Burp Street?

That's boo-rilliant.

BOTH: Zog drop!

HAKA-STYLE DANCE MUSIC

Oh, darling!

-Oh.

-I've knit you a jumper.

-Oh.

-Oh, I knew you'd be excited.

But didn't the wool go missing?

Yes, but luckily there was a wool shower this afternoon.

A wool what?

Now go upstairs and try it on. HE SIGHS

In 1778,

Sir Parsley Spittoon climbed these rickety stairs

for some secret knitting,

which of course was forbidden for any nobleman to partake of.

Legend has it he started knitting a new scarf

and accidentally... knitted off his head!

They say his headless body returns every year

to try and knit his own head

back on, and tonight is the anniversary.

Turn on anti-gravity boots.

OK.

Whoa...whoa!

Whoa!

-Cut. Cut.

-Oh, sorry, Zag.

What if I chop your actual head of?

Where would I put my hat?

I promise I'll sew it back on the right way round.

That's what you said the last time.

I spent the whole of dinner

trying to get that spag bol into the back of my neck.

OK.

Well, then let's have one more go at ghost faking.

GROANING AND WAILING

And tonight is the anniversary...

GROANING

-What was that?

-I don't know.

Hmm. That's strange.

-Zag?

-Yeah?

What if Nelly was wrong, and TV was right,

and there are such things as ghosts?

And by us faking it we've angered the spirits?

GROWLING

THEY GASP

Oh, flippity flip-flops.

BOTH: It's the real headless nobleman of Burp Street!

What will we do?

Oh, marshmallow of destiny, what will we do?

The real question you should be asking is,

what would Dirk Dangerpants do?

What would Dirk Dangerpants do?

Ha! He'd put on an extra pair of dangerpants

-and capture that ghost on camera.

-Exactamundo!

This is it, our big chance to film a real-live dead ghost - and get our

house-haunting video on our favourite TV show.

Let's get our... brave on, girlfriend.

Mm-mm!

All right, Zig, our big spook-ortunity.

GHOST GROANS, THEY SCREAM

SCREAMING CONTINUES

-Oh, shush, this is it.

-Oh, yeah!

Welcome to Ghost Hunters Live If They Weren't Dead 5.

I'm Dirk Dangerpants,

and this is the most terrifying home video I've ever seen.

Frankly, I'm not going to sleep tonight.

And I want my mummy!

We wanted ghosts,

but we've got something far more terrifying...

Aliens, from outer space!

What?

Well done, boys.

What a brilliant performance.

And we did get our home video on TV after all.

Result!

And, in honour of your achievement, boys,

I knitted you surprise celebratory jumpers.

THEY SCREAM