School Rules Zig and Zag

# Five, four, three, two Five, four, three, two, one...

# Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Well, come along for the ride

# You and me and Zig and Zag

# When our weird worlds collide

# It may seem a little mad

# But you can't close your eyes or you'll miss it

# Hold on tight cos no-one's drive, drive, driving

# It's time to get on with it, not too late

# Start counting, are your engines on? We can't wait

# Count down it's Zig and Zag time

# Five, four, three, two

# Time for Zig and Zag! #

# There are lots of different products in the minimart

# Minimart

# Minimart. #

Ah, mel de mer, the fiscal situation

in the Peruvian lowlands is worse than ever.

Oh, wait! Colouring in!

Ah, he loves the colouring in.

That's not colouring in. That's the crossword.

-What's a crossword?

-Sausage face. That's a cross word.

You're such a sweetie.

No, that's a sweetie. Don't you two know anything?

At least I know what a crossword is -

you have to answer the clues and fill in the spaces. Look.

Hey, you made me go outside the lines.

One across - a state of utter confusion and a total lack of order.

What word does that describe, do you think?

Think, you say. Hmm.

Thinking...

HE HUMS

Thinking...

Thinking!

-Kind of hurts.

-A-ha!

No idea. This crossword stuff is hard.

I preferred it when it was colouring in.

Maybe if you'd paid more attention in school you'd have learnt more.

That's what my dad used to say.

-Ah, you're right there.

-Ha, he has a point.

What's 'school'?

What's school? You mean you didn't go to school?

That explains a lot. It's a place where children go to learn things.

You're trapped in there all day.

It keeps them out of trouble, provides a safe environment

and feeds them lunch.

Sounds like a zoo for kids.

That's exactly what it is, Zag.

Brilliant, I love zoos.

Can we throw fish at them, Zag?

I think the more important question is,

can they stop us throwing fish at them, Zig?

Speaking of school, got to go.

I'm dropping Brie and Stilton off right now.

-Don't forget your hat.

-Oh, yes, right.

Zig, this school place sounds amazing. Let's follow Mr Jones there

and get us some learning on,

-then we'll be able to do that crossword thingy.

-Yeah!

BOTH: Zog Drop!

HAKA STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

Oh-oh, we're going to need some fish.

HE LAUGHS

BING BONG

'Clean up on aisle three, please. Clean up on aisle three.'

BELL RINGS

You're late. L-A-T-E, late.

Take good care of her, my man. Not a scratch.

We're with them. Which way to the sea lions?

Wh...? Unacceptable. See about this.

-Desmond?

-Here.

-Brie?

HE EXHALES

Stilton?

SHE INHALES

-Zig?

-Here. Zag?

-Here.

-Who are you?

-We're Zig and Zag, weren't you listening?

And what are you doing here?

-We're here to learn.

-And throw fish fingers.

WINDOW SMASHES

-No, I mean, where did you come from?

-Oh, right. We're from Zog.

Yeah, it's a long way off. We came in our ship.

Oh, exchange students. Right.

If you like. Right, you and you swap places.

Everyone move one desk over. You heard the lady.

Ah! What are you doing?

Exchanging students, like you said.

Come on, everyone, swap jumpers.

I suppose they do things differently in Zog.

Today, you shall paint something spectacular,

something magnificent, something noble.

Today, you shall paint the headmaster.

Hello. Ha ha!

Right, you heard her, Zig.

What are you do...?

Look here!

Hold still, this is your best side.

-Oh, what are you doing?

-You said paint the headmaster.

No, no. Paint his face, his face.

Yeah, we're just getting to that.

No! On the paper.

Right you are, chief.

You two are the...

finest artists I have ever taught.

ALL: Break time. Yay!

CHEERING

BOTH: Break time!

These are tres magnifique.

What are you...?

Hoo-hoo.

Hee-hee-hee.

You! What are you two doing?

-Breaking stuff.

-Why?

Because it's break time. Get with the programme, Mr Master.

School is so much fun, Zagnacious.

Sure is, Zigmondo.

Can't stop, we're learning so much.

Have a fish finger, you earned it, sister.

# All hail the school

# Place of majesty of learning

# All hail the school

# Gets my brain cells turning

# All hail the school

# All hail the school

# All hail the school. #

Is there something you two want to share with us all?

-Ear plugs if we had any.

-Who writes this rubbish?

This song was written by the headmaster himself.

I suppose you think you can do better.

-Huh? Huh?

-BOTH: Challenge accepted.

# All hail the school

# The school, the school, all hail the school

# Place of majesty and learning

# Rrrrrahoo!

# All hail the school

# Hail, hail, hail to the school. #

Ah, Mr Trebleclef, how's my new song coming along?

# Me brain, me brain, me brain in a strain

# It's spinning in me cranium, I got a spinning brainium. #

THEY ALL LAUGH

BELL RINGS

No need to thank us.

It's what we do. Now, what's for lunch? I'm hungerino.

THEY GROAN

Nobody's going outside until everybody's plates are clear.

C-L-E-A-R clear.

But, sir, we can't eat this. No-one could.

SLURPING

This dish is delish. I'm getting sardine, chocolate spread

and just a hint of mint.

Mm-hmm. You simply must get the recipe, Ziggity.

It's every bit as good as your prize winning cornflake and mustard bake.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, waiter, waiter, more please-e-vous.

BOTH: Yay!

Today was a good day.

Can we go out now, sir? Our plates are empty.

Fine, you can all go out to break.

I mean, playtime.

I don't know about you, but I'm learning loads today.

It's amazing, but we're no closer to solving our crossword.

One across, a state of utter confusion and total lack of order.

We need to find out fast. There's only one lesson left.

Yeah, science with the headmaster, so no mucking about.

Mucking about? Moise? No, sir, we're hear to learn.

Yay!

And this is Jupiter, the biggest planet of them all.

He's losing them, Zig.

Let's give him a hand. Beautiful model, Mr Master.

But maybe we can help you with it.

No, thank you, I can manage.

It's very delicate. I made it myself.

A little Zogly boost, perhaps.

IMPRESSED NOISES

How are you doing that?

You're the one teaching the science class. You should be telling us.

And the planets revolve around the sun.

Zag, this model's not right. Where's Zog?

You're right. Sir, where's Zog?

Zog, there is no planet Zog. What's going on?

Uh, and you call yourself a teacher.

This can be Zog. It's the right shape.

And our moons - Baar, Moltar and Flibberty.

And this is the fish-faced nebula.

Wait a minute. No, stop this!

S-T-O-P. Stop it now!

OK.

Great. You two, my office now.

N-O-W. Now!

I've a good mind to call your parents.

OK. It'll be very long distance though.

Get me a scrap of paper three miles long

-and I'll write you down the number.

-Cost you a sack of money.

Uhh! I can't take any more. You covered me with paint,

smashed the playground to pieces, ruined my school song...

I'd say improved the song.

..and destroyed my science lab.

I'd say 'energised' but fair play on the rest.

You have reduced this school to a state of utter confusion,

a total lack of order.

It's chaos. C-H-A-O-S. Chaos!

Wait, what did you say?

A total lack of order, C-H-A-O-S.

We've done it, Zig. We've done it. It's 'chaos'!

BOTH: Chaos! Chaos! Chaos! Chaos!

Right, we've solved the clue. We can go home now.

Wait, you mean you only came to school to solve a crossword clue?

Exactamundo. You can see why he's in charge with brains like that, Zig.

And now that you've worked it out,

you won't need to come back, will you?

Eau de contraire, that was clue number one.

There's another 42 to figure out.

We'll be back tomorrow for two down. Sa-hee-ya!

Oh, no, no, no. Please, no.

# For teaching us a lesson, thank you. #

# Five, four, three, two...

# Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Five, four, three, two,

# That was Zig and Zag! #