Things That Go Bump in the Night Dad's Army


Things That Go Bump in the Night

Classic wartime sitcom. The platoon's van breaks down outside what looks like a deserted house where Mainwaring decides they should spend the night.


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Transcript


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys who will make you think again.

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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RUMBLE OF THUNDER

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Where are we, Wilson?

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According to my calculations, we should be opposite the butcher's in the High Street.

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-You mean you're lost?

-I'm not the only one who's lost. We all are.

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-How much petrol have we got left?

-Half a gallon.

-Half?! Sponge!

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-Yes, sir?

-Did you fill this tank yesterday?

-I had no coupons.

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-But Walker was to supply coupons!

-He couldn't get the ink dry in time.

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-Take his name!

-All right, sir.

-Walker.

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Achoo!

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That's a nasty cold, Mr Mainwaring. You should be in bed.

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Never mind that. We can't stay here all night. Let's go to the house for help.

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Not in this rain! You'll catch pneumonia.

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-Nonsense! Let me out.

-No, no, no!

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-What are you doing?

-I must restrain you. You musn't catch pneumonia.

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-Rain won't harm me!

-Jones is right, sir.

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I knew a fellow just your age and weight. He had a head cold and got caught in the rain.

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Five days later I was screwing handles on his coffin.

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I know a way we can keep dry, sir Hang on.

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Don't you worry. I won't let Frazer screw the handles on your coffin.

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Section, halt!

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There you are, sir. We made it. Stayed dry as a bone.

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Well done, Jones and Walker. Very grateful that nobody got wet.

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Pike, ring the bell.

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-Don't play the fool.

-You said ring the bell. Now I'm soaking wet. Look!

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-Don't shake it over me!

-Don't shake it on him!

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-Knock on the door, Wilson.

-Yes, sir.

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-The door's open, sir.

-Let's go in, out of this rain.

-We can't just go marching in.

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HELLO ! Anybody about?

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Hello?

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Anyone there?

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Wilson, put the lights on.

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-They don't work, sir.

-Light those candles, Sponge.

-Yes, Capt.

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Listen, everybody.

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I want absolute silence so I can hear anyone answer when I call.

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HELLO !

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-Brr-rr. Brr-rr.

-I said absolute silence, Pike.

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I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring. I'm fr-freezing.

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He should remove those wet clothes.

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-What will I put on? I can't stand around naked!

-Permission to speak!

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Shh-shh.

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-HE MOUTHS WORDS

-What?

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-Come down. I can't hear a word.

-He could put one of those flags on.

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Good idea. Get one down. Help him, Desmond.

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Take your clothes off, boy.

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I don't like to!

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-Don't be stupid. Do as you're told.

-All right... Don't look!

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Don't look.

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Wilson, that boy is going soft in the head.

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All your mollycoddling just makes it worse.

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I do feel responsible for him. If I don't look after him, Mavis goes around looking SO miserable.

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And you know how I hate people looking miserable.

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Capt. Mainwaring!

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You don't feel that there's a strange...kind of feeling about this place?

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Like there's something amiss? Something strangely amiss.

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Stop rolling your eyes. Pull yourself together.

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There's bound to be a reasonable explanation.

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I feel stupid in this!

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I think you look rather nice.

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Mr Mainwaring, I'm fr-freezing to death. I'm fr-freezing!

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Will you stop whining, Pike?

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We'll just have to improvise. Ahh! Wilson, help me with this rug.

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That's it.

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Come on, let's explore this place.

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-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes?

-Argh! Argh!

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Stupid boy!

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This door's locked. Let's try upstairs.

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EERIE HOWL

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Permission to whisper, sir!

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-There's something horrible about.

-It's only a dog. Come on. Upstairs.

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ANOTHER HOWL

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That's no ordinary dog!

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That's a hou-ound!

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A hound?

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LOTS OF HOWLS A whole pack of them!

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Dog pack! Horrible hound! Don't panic! Don't panic!

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Capt. Mainwaring, I think we should go back to the van. I don't get on with dogs.

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My sister had a Pekinese that jumped at me a lot, so I had to order it to leave.

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These dogs are outside. They can't do any harm. Come on. Upstairs.

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Don't tread on my paw.

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DOOR CREAKS

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LOUD CLAP OF THUNDER

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HOWLS CONTINUE

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CRASHING THUNDER

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Anybody there?

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Extraordinary! This house seems to be empty.

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-There's a fire, sir. Whoever was here must have left in a hurry.

-Yes.

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The question is, Capt. Mainwaring,

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WHY DID THEY LEAVE ?

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You must admit, it's uncanny. This old house, the fire burning.

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Nobody about. Only the wi-i-ind and rain.

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And those ghostly hounds howling, ho-o-owling, howling!

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Stop rolling your eyes, Frazer.

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THUNDER Aarghh!

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-For heaven's sake, control yourself!

-Sorry.

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Dry your clothes by the fire. Pay attention, everybody.

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This storm could go on all night. We don't know where we are, and we haven't any petrol.

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So we'll have to settle here for the night. All right?

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I'll take this bed here. The rest of you, make yourselves as comfortable as possible.

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-Sir?

-Yes?

-Where am I going to sleep?

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-In that bed, there.

-And the others?

-In that bed with you.

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That's absurd!

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I think you're one of the most selfish men I've met in my life.

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What makes you think that you're entitled to a bed to yourself?

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-But, I...

-That settles it.

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Five of you will get into bed with Sgt Wilson. NCOs at the top, other ranks at the bottom.

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And you other two can sleep on the settee. Right.

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-Stop!

-Argh!

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Just a minute, sir.

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-What are you doing?

-I can't allow you to get in that bed! It's absolutely wringing damp!

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-You'll catch pnuemonia.

-Nonsense!

-Sit down. I'll warm you up, sir.

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What are you going to do?

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I'm going to do what the serving wenches used to do for the master.

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-I don't think Capt. Mainwaring will want to cuddle you all night.

-That will do, Frazer.

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There!

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This is quite unnecessary.

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You allow me to judge that, sir. There!

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-Into bed, everyone.

-DISSENTING MUTTERS

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Why are you muttering? You know I hate muttering.

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Why should we sleep at the bottom of the bed? Why don't we toss for it?

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-Certainly not. Do as you're told.

-Blimey!

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There you are, sir. Look at all that steam rising. I told you those sheets were damp!

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-Yes!

-That's not steam. It looks like smoke!

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-What ?!

-The bed's on fire!

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-Get some water.

-What a stupid thing to do!

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I'm sorry. I was just trying to warm you up.

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-The bed's soaked! Where can I sleep?

-In that bed. Officers at the top, other ranks at the bottom.

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-I've got it!

-Frazer, shut that door.

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I'm all wet again, Mr Mainwaring!

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Uncle Arthur! Uncle Arthur, wake up!

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Ohh!

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-It's only me, Uncle Arthur.

-For heaven's sake, Frank, will you please just go to sleep?

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-Can I please come into bed with you?

-You better ask Capt. Mainwaring.

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Mr Jones!

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Argh! The horrible hounds!

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-It's all right, it's only me.

-Oh, Pikey, I thought my last days had come!

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-Ask Mr Mainwaring if I can get into bed.

-Yes.

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-Mr Mainwaring, sir.

-Brr... gather round...

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-Yes?

-Pikey wants to know if he can come to bed.

-Certainly not! There's no room.

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-He says no, there's no room.

-He says...

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-All right, I heard!

-If it was up to me, I'd let you come in, but you see, he's the officer.

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Can you come to the bathroom with me, please?

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I've got to wash my hands and clean my teeth. You know Mum makes me.

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-Oh, really, Frank, no. No!

-If you don't come, I'll tell mum!

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Oh, all right. But you are an awful nuisance, you really are!

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Come on!

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Mr Frazer. Oh, GOD !

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GODfrey. What do you want, son?

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I've got to go to the little boys' room. Will you come with me?

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Nothing can make me budge from here. There's too many unnatural causes.

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It's the natural causes that worry me!

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-Capt. Mainwaring?

-Yes?

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-Will you accompany me to the bathroom?

-Certainly not!

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LOUD SNORES

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-Mr Jones?

-Wharghh!

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-Sorry.

-Will you accompany me to the bathroom?

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Yes. I'll accompany you to the bathroom.

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-Thank you, I'm most grateful to you.

-If we meet a horrible hound, I'll let him have it right up!

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LOUD THUNDERCLAP

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SNORES FROM THE MEN

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THUDDING FOOTSTEPS

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Uncle Arthur, wake up. Wake up!

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Frank... Frank, would you please just go back to sleep?

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There's someone coming upstairs!

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-What?

-Listen! HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

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Wake Capt. Mainwaring.

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Whatever it is, it's coming to this room.

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I don't think it's a horrible hound. The footsteps are too heavy.

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Shh-shh. Quiet. Blow the candles out.

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DOOR CREAKS

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I say! Why are you in my bedwoom?

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Well, I must admit, you really gave us quite a fright, you know.

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Sowwy. The lights went out and I was at the genewator when you awwived.

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-So, those were your dogs we heard?

-Yes. The storm upset them.

-Why are they here?

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We twain them as twacker dogs for the War Office.

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Ah, I knew all along!

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Things are slack at the moment, so I gave the staff weekend leave.

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-Why are you wearing that ?!

-Is this a joke?

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My uniform's still wet. The captain gave me this.

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It's an old German uniform we use for twaining.

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-Come on, let's get that petrol.

-I'll come with you. It's only a mile acwoss the fields.

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I'm sowwy, I don't have a can, but there are lots of empty gin bottles!

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We shall need plenty. We'll take one each. Come on, chaps. We could do with a good, brisk walk.

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All wight, quiet, you lot. Quiet!

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Settle down!

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You seem to have them under control.

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These are half-twained wecruits. The fully-twained lot left yesterday. Not a bad bunch, except for HIM.

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Prince 439. He's a twoublemaker. He upsets the others. Yes, YOU, 439 ! Stand to attention!

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He's failed the course thwee times. I've had him on a charge twice. He's the bad apple in the bawwel.

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-Yes... Quite. Pull the men in, Sergeant.

-Yes, sir.

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Oh, excuse me, sir, should we carry our gin bottles at a slope?

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-What a lovely morning!

-Yes, weally wonderful.

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-What exactly do your dogs DO ?

-They twack down German parachutists.

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-You must have quite a way with dogs.

-Not weally. I'm scared of them. I don't twain them. I do the admin.

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-Open the gate, Walker.

-Yes, sir.

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HOWLS FROM DOGS

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-Your dogs have certainly got loud voices.

-Yes, they carry for miles!

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-What do they do after tracking?

-They hold down the victim. But they are still only half-twained now.

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-Half-trained?

-They still have to learn not to tear up the victim!

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-Captain, could we stop a moment?

-Oh, really, Godfrey! All right. Section, halt! Fall out.

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-Silly old fool, you shouldn't have come. You'll never keep up.

-Frazer!

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Capt. Mainwaring, those dogs there are definitely getting louder.

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He's right!

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-Quiet, everybody. Listen.

-LOUD HOWLS

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-They must have got out!

-Will they come after us?

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No... Good Lord! That uniform the boy has on is covered in aniseed!

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-Aniseed! Get it off at once, Pike!

-I'm not going to take it off!

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­ Oh, now you're covered in it, sir.

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-Well, can't you control the dogs?

-Of course I can't!

-Horrible hounds!

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They're after us! Don't panic!

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-What do we do?

-Just one thing.

-What?

-Run!

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Come on, keep up, Godfrey!

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Captain, I can't go another step.

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What shall we do? We can't let poor Mr Godfrey get torn up by hounds!

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Hey! What about using that sheep thing and dragging him along?

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Well done, Walker. Sponge, Desmond, help him.

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-Right, put your boots on the hurdle.

-Aren't you taking yours off?

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I can't get my feet wet with my cold!

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No, you mustn't catch pneumonia!

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Carry me across on the hurdle. Godfrey can walk.

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Pike, you go and cross lower down.

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-Why do I always...?

-Do as I say. You'll put the dogs off the scent.

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Right.

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Forward!

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I'm all wet again, Mr Mainwaring!

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Stupid boy!

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-Did we have to get wet like this?

-Yes. Any fool knows that dogs can't follow a scent across water, eh?

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Absolutely!

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Believe me, Wilson, I'm a pretty shrewd judge in these matters.

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Frazer, Godfrey, Wilson, in here. The rest of you, get up the trees!

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-Let me in, Mr Mainwaring!

-You can't come in.

-Open the door, Mr Mainwaring!

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-Hold on!

-Mr Mainwaring, please let me in. Let me in, sir!

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-There's no room. Climb a tree!

-At my time of life ?!

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Up here!

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I can't climb trees!

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You can now!

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I thought so! That twoublemaker Prince is behind it all. You've had your chips this time!

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You'll be out of the camp so fast, your feet won't touch the gwound!

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Are you there, Jones?

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I'm almost here, sir. Almost all of me.

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But I've suffered damage in unknown parts!

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Stay there. I'm going for help.

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Right, men, lift!

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-Shouldn't we go right, sir?

-Don't argue, Wilson. Just walk!

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Look where you're going, Wilson!

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Captain, if the boy throws his clothes to the dogs,

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that might keep them busy while we sneak away!

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Good idea. Pike, take your clothes off!

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-No!

-I'll put you on a charge!

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I'm fed up! Fed up! In the last 24 hours, I've been soaked three times,

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I've been scared stiff, nearly torn to bits, and now I have to strip!

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Well, don't look!

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Blimey, Joe, look! Them dogs are tearing that uniform to pieces!

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Yeah. Good job Pikey wasn't in it!

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Now get down and walk away as calmly as possible.

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DOGS SNARL

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You can come out now, Captain. It's all right.

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-LATCH CLICKS

-It's stuck. Help me, Wilson.

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I'm pushing as hard as I can, sir!

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FRAZER: Ahh! That's my foot!

0:28:020:28:05

GODFREY: Captain, I get claustrophobia!

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This is no use. Come on, LIFT !

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Good. Now walk slowly, and when I say 'run', RUN !

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Run!

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MUFFLED VOICES

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-Frazer, come on!

-Arghh!

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Left, right, left, left, left.

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Swing those arms, Pike!

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