Things That Go Bump in the Night Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

# We are the boys who will make you think again.

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

RUMBLE OF THUNDER

Where are we, Wilson?

According to my calculations, we should be opposite the butcher's in the High Street.

-You mean you're lost?

-I'm not the only one who's lost. We all are.

-How much petrol have we got left?

-Half a gallon.

-Half?! Sponge!

-Yes, sir?

-Did you fill this tank yesterday?

-I had no coupons.

-But Walker was to supply coupons!

-He couldn't get the ink dry in time.

-Take his name!

-All right, sir.

-Walker.

Achoo!

That's a nasty cold, Mr Mainwaring. You should be in bed.

Never mind that. We can't stay here all night. Let's go to the house for help.

Not in this rain! You'll catch pneumonia.

-Nonsense! Let me out.

-No, no, no!

-What are you doing?

-I must restrain you. You musn't catch pneumonia.

-Rain won't harm me!

-Jones is right, sir.

I knew a fellow just your age and weight. He had a head cold and got caught in the rain.

Five days later I was screwing handles on his coffin.

I know a way we can keep dry, sir Hang on.

Don't you worry. I won't let Frazer screw the handles on your coffin.

Section, halt!

There you are, sir. We made it. Stayed dry as a bone.

Well done, Jones and Walker. Very grateful that nobody got wet.

Pike, ring the bell.

-Don't play the fool.

-You said ring the bell. Now I'm soaking wet. Look!

-Don't shake it over me!

-Don't shake it on him!

-Knock on the door, Wilson.

-Yes, sir.

-The door's open, sir.

-Let's go in, out of this rain.

-We can't just go marching in.

HELLO ! Anybody about?

Hello?

Anyone there?

Wilson, put the lights on.

-They don't work, sir.

-Light those candles, Sponge.

-Yes, Capt.

Listen, everybody.

I want absolute silence so I can hear anyone answer when I call.

HELLO !

-Brr-rr. Brr-rr.

-I said absolute silence, Pike.

I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring. I'm fr-freezing.

He should remove those wet clothes.

-What will I put on? I can't stand around naked!

-Permission to speak!

Shh-shh.

-HE MOUTHS WORDS

-What?

-Come down. I can't hear a word.

-He could put one of those flags on.

Good idea. Get one down. Help him, Desmond.

Take your clothes off, boy.

I don't like to!

-Don't be stupid. Do as you're told.

-All right... Don't look!

Don't look.

Wilson, that boy is going soft in the head.

All your mollycoddling just makes it worse.

I do feel responsible for him. If I don't look after him, Mavis goes around looking SO miserable.

And you know how I hate people looking miserable.

Capt. Mainwaring!

You don't feel that there's a strange...kind of feeling about this place?

Like there's something amiss? Something strangely amiss.

Stop rolling your eyes. Pull yourself together.

There's bound to be a reasonable explanation.

I feel stupid in this!

I think you look rather nice.

Mr Mainwaring, I'm fr-freezing to death. I'm fr-freezing!

Will you stop whining, Pike?

We'll just have to improvise. Ahh! Wilson, help me with this rug.

That's it.

Come on, let's explore this place.

-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes?

-Argh! Argh!

Stupid boy!

This door's locked. Let's try upstairs.

EERIE HOWL

Permission to whisper, sir!

-There's something horrible about.

-It's only a dog. Come on. Upstairs.

ANOTHER HOWL

That's no ordinary dog!

That's a hou-ound!

A hound?

LOTS OF HOWLS A whole pack of them!

Dog pack! Horrible hound! Don't panic! Don't panic!

Capt. Mainwaring, I think we should go back to the van. I don't get on with dogs.

My sister had a Pekinese that jumped at me a lot, so I had to order it to leave.

These dogs are outside. They can't do any harm. Come on. Upstairs.

Don't tread on my paw.

DOOR CREAKS

LOUD CLAP OF THUNDER

HOWLS CONTINUE

CRASHING THUNDER

Anybody there?

Extraordinary! This house seems to be empty.

-There's a fire, sir. Whoever was here must have left in a hurry.

-Yes.

The question is, Capt. Mainwaring,

WHY DID THEY LEAVE ?

You must admit, it's uncanny. This old house, the fire burning.

Nobody about. Only the wi-i-ind and rain.

And those ghostly hounds howling, ho-o-owling, howling!

Stop rolling your eyes, Frazer.

THUNDER Aarghh!

-For heaven's sake, control yourself!

-Sorry.

Dry your clothes by the fire. Pay attention, everybody.

This storm could go on all night. We don't know where we are, and we haven't any petrol.

So we'll have to settle here for the night. All right?

I'll take this bed here. The rest of you, make yourselves as comfortable as possible.

-Sir?

-Yes?

-Where am I going to sleep?

-In that bed, there.

-And the others?

-In that bed with you.

That's absurd!

I think you're one of the most selfish men I've met in my life.

What makes you think that you're entitled to a bed to yourself?

-But, I...

-That settles it.

Five of you will get into bed with Sgt Wilson. NCOs at the top, other ranks at the bottom.

And you other two can sleep on the settee. Right.

-Stop!

-Argh!

Just a minute, sir.

-What are you doing?

-I can't allow you to get in that bed! It's absolutely wringing damp!

-You'll catch pnuemonia.

-Nonsense!

-Sit down. I'll warm you up, sir.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to do what the serving wenches used to do for the master.

-I don't think Capt. Mainwaring will want to cuddle you all night.

-That will do, Frazer.

There!

This is quite unnecessary.

You allow me to judge that, sir. There!

-Into bed, everyone.

-DISSENTING MUTTERS

Why are you muttering? You know I hate muttering.

Why should we sleep at the bottom of the bed? Why don't we toss for it?

-Certainly not. Do as you're told.

-Blimey!

There you are, sir. Look at all that steam rising. I told you those sheets were damp!

-Yes!

-That's not steam. It looks like smoke!

-What ?!

-The bed's on fire!

-Get some water.

-What a stupid thing to do!

I'm sorry. I was just trying to warm you up.

-The bed's soaked! Where can I sleep?

-In that bed. Officers at the top, other ranks at the bottom.

-I've got it!

-Frazer, shut that door.

I'm all wet again, Mr Mainwaring!

Uncle Arthur! Uncle Arthur, wake up!

Ohh!

-It's only me, Uncle Arthur.

-For heaven's sake, Frank, will you please just go to sleep?

-Can I please come into bed with you?

-You better ask Capt. Mainwaring.

Mr Jones!

Argh! The horrible hounds!

-It's all right, it's only me.

-Oh, Pikey, I thought my last days had come!

-Ask Mr Mainwaring if I can get into bed.

-Yes.

-Mr Mainwaring, sir.

-Brr... gather round...

-Yes?

-Pikey wants to know if he can come to bed.

-Certainly not! There's no room.

-He says no, there's no room.

-He says...

-All right, I heard!

-If it was up to me, I'd let you come in, but you see, he's the officer.

Can you come to the bathroom with me, please?

I've got to wash my hands and clean my teeth. You know Mum makes me.

-Oh, really, Frank, no. No!

-If you don't come, I'll tell mum!

Oh, all right. But you are an awful nuisance, you really are!

Come on!

Mr Frazer. Oh, GOD !

GODfrey. What do you want, son?

I've got to go to the little boys' room. Will you come with me?

Nothing can make me budge from here. There's too many unnatural causes.

It's the natural causes that worry me!

-Capt. Mainwaring?

-Yes?

-Will you accompany me to the bathroom?

-Certainly not!

LOUD SNORES

-Mr Jones?

-Wharghh!

-Sorry.

-Will you accompany me to the bathroom?

Yes. I'll accompany you to the bathroom.

-Thank you, I'm most grateful to you.

-If we meet a horrible hound, I'll let him have it right up!

LOUD THUNDERCLAP

SNORES FROM THE MEN

THUDDING FOOTSTEPS

Uncle Arthur, wake up. Wake up!

Frank... Frank, would you please just go back to sleep?

There's someone coming upstairs!

-What?

-Listen! HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

Wake Capt. Mainwaring.

Whatever it is, it's coming to this room.

I don't think it's a horrible hound. The footsteps are too heavy.

Shh-shh. Quiet. Blow the candles out.

DOOR CREAKS

I say! Why are you in my bedwoom?

Well, I must admit, you really gave us quite a fright, you know.

Sowwy. The lights went out and I was at the genewator when you awwived.

-So, those were your dogs we heard?

-Yes. The storm upset them.

-Why are they here?

We twain them as twacker dogs for the War Office.

Ah, I knew all along!

Things are slack at the moment, so I gave the staff weekend leave.

-Why are you wearing that ?!

-Is this a joke?

My uniform's still wet. The captain gave me this.

It's an old German uniform we use for twaining.

-Come on, let's get that petrol.

-I'll come with you. It's only a mile acwoss the fields.

I'm sowwy, I don't have a can, but there are lots of empty gin bottles!

We shall need plenty. We'll take one each. Come on, chaps. We could do with a good, brisk walk.

All wight, quiet, you lot. Quiet!

Settle down!

You seem to have them under control.

These are half-twained wecruits. The fully-twained lot left yesterday. Not a bad bunch, except for HIM.

Prince 439. He's a twoublemaker. He upsets the others. Yes, YOU, 439 ! Stand to attention!

He's failed the course thwee times. I've had him on a charge twice. He's the bad apple in the bawwel.

-Yes... Quite. Pull the men in, Sergeant.

-Yes, sir.

Oh, excuse me, sir, should we carry our gin bottles at a slope?

-What a lovely morning!

-Yes, weally wonderful.

-What exactly do your dogs DO ?

-They twack down German parachutists.

-You must have quite a way with dogs.

-Not weally. I'm scared of them. I don't twain them. I do the admin.

-Open the gate, Walker.

-Yes, sir.

HOWLS FROM DOGS

-Your dogs have certainly got loud voices.

-Yes, they carry for miles!

-What do they do after tracking?

-They hold down the victim. But they are still only half-twained now.

-Half-trained?

-They still have to learn not to tear up the victim!

-Captain, could we stop a moment?

-Oh, really, Godfrey! All right. Section, halt! Fall out.

-Silly old fool, you shouldn't have come. You'll never keep up.

-Frazer!

Capt. Mainwaring, those dogs there are definitely getting louder.

He's right!

-Quiet, everybody. Listen.

-LOUD HOWLS

-They must have got out!

-Will they come after us?

No... Good Lord! That uniform the boy has on is covered in aniseed!

-Aniseed! Get it off at once, Pike!

-I'm not going to take it off!

­ Oh, now you're covered in it, sir.

-Well, can't you control the dogs?

-Of course I can't!

-Horrible hounds!

They're after us! Don't panic!

-What do we do?

-Just one thing.

-What?

-Run!

Come on, keep up, Godfrey!

Captain, I can't go another step.

What shall we do? We can't let poor Mr Godfrey get torn up by hounds!

Hey! What about using that sheep thing and dragging him along?

Well done, Walker. Sponge, Desmond, help him.

-Right, put your boots on the hurdle.

-Aren't you taking yours off?

I can't get my feet wet with my cold!

No, you mustn't catch pneumonia!

Carry me across on the hurdle. Godfrey can walk.

Pike, you go and cross lower down.

-Why do I always...?

-Do as I say. You'll put the dogs off the scent.

Right.

Forward!

I'm all wet again, Mr Mainwaring!

Stupid boy!

-Did we have to get wet like this?

-Yes. Any fool knows that dogs can't follow a scent across water, eh?

Absolutely!

Believe me, Wilson, I'm a pretty shrewd judge in these matters.

Frazer, Godfrey, Wilson, in here. The rest of you, get up the trees!

-Let me in, Mr Mainwaring!

-You can't come in.

-Open the door, Mr Mainwaring!

-Hold on!

-Mr Mainwaring, please let me in. Let me in, sir!

-There's no room. Climb a tree!

-At my time of life ?!

Up here!

I can't climb trees!

You can now!

I thought so! That twoublemaker Prince is behind it all. You've had your chips this time!

You'll be out of the camp so fast, your feet won't touch the gwound!

Are you there, Jones?

I'm almost here, sir. Almost all of me.

But I've suffered damage in unknown parts!

Stay there. I'm going for help.

Right, men, lift!

-Shouldn't we go right, sir?

-Don't argue, Wilson. Just walk!

Look where you're going, Wilson!

Captain, if the boy throws his clothes to the dogs,

that might keep them busy while we sneak away!

Good idea. Pike, take your clothes off!

-No!

-I'll put you on a charge!

I'm fed up! Fed up! In the last 24 hours, I've been soaked three times,

I've been scared stiff, nearly torn to bits, and now I have to strip!

Well, don't look!

Blimey, Joe, look! Them dogs are tearing that uniform to pieces!

Yeah. Good job Pikey wasn't in it!

Now get down and walk away as calmly as possible.

DOGS SNARL

You can come out now, Captain. It's all right.

-LATCH CLICKS

-It's stuck. Help me, Wilson.

I'm pushing as hard as I can, sir!

FRAZER: Ahh! That's my foot!

GODFREY: Captain, I get claustrophobia!

This is no use. Come on, LIFT !

Good. Now walk slowly, and when I say 'run', RUN !

Run!

MUFFLED VOICES

-Frazer, come on!

-Arghh!

Left, right, left, left, left.

Swing those arms, Pike!