The Recruit Dad's Army


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The Recruit

Classic sitcom. Captain Mainwaring is temporarily in hospital. During his absence, Sergeant Wilson allows the vicar to join the platoon.


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

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# But he comes home each evening

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# And he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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-How are they now, Mr Mainwaring?

-They're throbbing a bit, nurse,

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-but I'll grin and bear it.

-We've got a visitor to cheer you up.

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Not Mrs Mainwaring!

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No.

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Two gentlemen. Come in. He's respectable.

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Can I do you now, sir?

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-Ah! Come in, Jones. Hello, Wilson.

-Hello, sir.

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You can stay until the bell goes.

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-How sweet. Thanks for showing us the way.

-That's all right, sir.

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That uniform suits you awfully well.

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Thank you.

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-Thank you, nurse.

-I think it's the belt you're wearing. It makes your waist look absolutely tiny!

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That's all!

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They have to work, not listen to this Ronald Coleman stuff!

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I've brought these for you, sir.

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How kind! Make yourselves at home.

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-Thank you, sir.

-Sit down, Jones.

-Thanks very much.

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Ooh!

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Sorry.

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Hitler won't catch you bending, sir!

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That's right, Jones. Have to hide it from Matron, though.

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Let's see what we've got here.

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Great Scott!

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Grapes.

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I haven't tasted a grape...

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-..since 1939.

-Yeah.

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Well, they're not real grapes, sir.

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We...we impersonated them from electric light wires and...

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..shaved gooseberries.

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I see what you mean.

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We had trouble from the gooseberry fur,

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but Mr Frazer found a bit of glass paper what he uses on ten-guinea coffins.

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Yes, well, it was a kind thought.

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In fact I have received some fruit from Mrs Mainwaring.

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How nice! Is this it?

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-Yes, that's it.

-How nice!

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It says "Get well soon."

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-There's something on the back too.

-Oh, yes, er...

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-"The Anderson shelter's leaking."

-Yes, well, it'll just have to wait.

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-Tell me, how was the operation?

-Ah, I want to talk to you about that...in private.

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I wonder if you would mind popping out for a moment, Jones.

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-Me, sir?

-Yes, I've got something personal to say to Sergeant Wilson.

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Yes, sir. I understand, sir.

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Yes, sir.

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I asked Jones to leave because...

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I'll be outside, sir. I'll be just without of earshot.

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-Thank you.

-Thank you.

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I asked Jones to leave because I think you ought to see my feet.

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Why?

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Because I want you to understand every single implication of this...

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-..whole affair.

-Dear oh dear!

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How awful!

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-It's my contention that that has been caused by active service.

-Ingrowing toenails?

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Not a shadow of a doubt. The hours of duty. They'll never be the same.

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-Will you try for a disablement pension?

-No, no. But that's caused by the standing about I do.

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You also do a lot of sitting about, don't you? Have you any trouble... down there?

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You know, there's a certain coarse streak in you, Wilson.

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I expect you picked it up at public school.

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Awfully sorry.

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I'm alerting you so you can be on guard for yourself and the troops.

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-I shall be very careful, sir.

-Well, I shan't mention it again. Come in now, Jones!

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I never heard a word, sir.

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Glad to see our chaps are doing so well in the desert. Those Itai's are no match for Tommy Atkins.

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You're right, sir. It's cos we keep going in with the old cold steel.

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Them Wops ain't used to it, sir.

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Well, not many people can get used to it really.

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Not surprising if you got a great big Grenadier Guard going WERRRRRR!

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-Very few people can stomach that.

-No, no, all right. Never mind that.

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How's the platoon getting on?

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-Swimmingly!

-Really?

-Oh, yes. Miss you, of course.

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Yes, they're bound to. But, er... I'm afraid I'm here four more days.

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Don't fret yourself, Mr Mainwaring.

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Mr Wilson has made us carry on as if you were there,

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like an invisible presence, like a guiding star.

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And he don't use "bull" like you do.

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I'm not in favour of bull. Are you maintaining discipline?

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Yes. I'm keeping discipline very well - in my style.

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Yeah (!)

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Well, I hope to goodness you are.

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There's only one way to run an army, Wilson. You must have obedience.

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Instant, unthinking obedience!

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THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

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Please, please, PLEASE!

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-For heaven's sake! One at a time!

-I'm sorry, Mr Wilson, but...

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..I feel you were wrong.

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I wish you'd stop nagging at me. I've got the most dreadful headache.

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The whole idea is doomed, DOOMED from the start, I tell ye.

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You cannae have vicars in the army!

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They don't mix. It's like oil and vinegar!

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Makes good salad dressing. What does?

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Oil and vinegar. Provided you put the oil in first...or is it the vinegar?

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I'm not talking about salad dressing. I'm saying that when YOUNG ARTHUR let the vicar join our platoon,

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he made an idiot of himself. Go on, admit it, admit it!

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What could I do? It's in the papers. Lots of clergymen are joining up.

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And you mark my words. Yon verger - he's a Jonah!

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He has a face like a sour prune.

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It wouldn't have happened if Mr Mainwaring had been here.

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Well, he's not here for three days. I DO wish you'd stop going on at ME!

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-You leave Uncle Arthur alone.

-All right.

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Vicars can be very useful.

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Look at Spencer Tracy.

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James Cagney was going to the chair,

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and Spencer Tracy asked him to die like a coward

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so the kids wouldn't think he was a hero. He went to the chair screaming.

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- He died all yellow. - Wasn't that Charlie Chang?

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Oh, Godfrey, please!

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When we was with Lord Kitchener, we had a real nice padre with us.

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A good one. He was a hard man, Lord Kitchener,

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always cursin' and swearin', and this padre was always begging him to turn away from his evil habits.

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Anyway, the night before the battle of Omdurman, he lined us up,

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and he gave Lord Kitchener and all of us a drumhead service. Yes.

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And the next day, just before the battle was due to commence,

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Kitchener grabbed his binoculars, and he saw on the horizon 40,000 dervishes all chasing towards us.

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"Oh, my God," he said.

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And the padre was all smiles cos he thought he'd done a good job.

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All right! There's no point going on about it. It's done.

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-It's nearly half-past.

-What? You see! It's very naughty of you keeping me here. We ought to be on parade.

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Now come along all of you. Quick as you can.

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Sorry I'm late. The confirmation class went on and on.

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-Have I missed anything?

-We're starting parade now.

-How exciting!

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You left this in the vestry, your Reverence.

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-Oh yes, silly me!

-Now you're here, we can start.

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Goody, goody! Private Yateman, HAT!

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You stand at the end. Watch what the others do and follow them.

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Right, platoon...

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Properly at ease everywhere. Come along. Properly at ease. Platoon...

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AttenTION!

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At ease! ..Yes, well,

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wasn't awfully good, was it? Try and get it all together.

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Let's try again. Pay attention. At ease, platoon...attenTION!

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Stand at EASE!

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-Yes, that's better.

-Oh no it wasn't!

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It was a SHAMBLES!

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Look! It's Hopalong Cassidy!

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-We weren't expecting you for days.

-Obviously.

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They need the beds for urgent cases so I discharged myself. Just as well.

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-Nice to see you back, sir.

-Thanks.

-Even if you are dodgy on the pins.

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I think I'd better inspect the men.

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-Right, squad, squad, SQUAD.

-Uh-uh-uh, Wilson.

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-Wilson, stand further away from my feet.

-I'm sorry.

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I beg your pardon.

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Squad...squad, attenTION!

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Very smart, Jones, as usual.

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Thank you sir. I always keep myself smart and alert.

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I'm talking to you, but my eyes are darting hither and thither,

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ready to see any danger lurking,

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and if I detect the smallest peril, I'm on to it before you can say...

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-..CRACK! AHHHH! Don't move!

-GET HIM OFF! GET HIM OFF!

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Jones!

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Jones! Put him down!

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-And pick that up.

-Yes, sir. Well...

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..he moved and I detected him.

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Mr Mainwaring? Can I stand next to someone else?

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Stay where you are, Pike. ..What's this?

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-A violin case.

-How dare you bring it on parade!

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-Take this man's name.

-Right, sir.

-Stand away from my feet!

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-Further.

-I do beg your pardon.

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I haven't got a violin in it.

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It's me Tommy gun. Like Edward G Robinson in "Scarface."

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-Do you know about this?

-NAA NAA NAAAAAAAAA!!!

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MY FEET!

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Don't ever bring it on parade again. See me in the office afterwards.

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-Where's Walker?

-Oh, he asked me to leave a note in his place.

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Pick it up.

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"Captain Mainwaring, personal."

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Personal? Well, give it to me.

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Unusual perfume.

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Petrol.

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"Dear Cap...

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"Thanks for letting me off.

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"Had to go up to the Smoke for a few days to do a deal.

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"I can swing it for a grand, but I'll have to drop the geezer a pony.

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"Of course, if I cop it for a bit under, I'll sweeten him with a monkey,

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"and half a bar for his nippers. P.S Here's a couple of oncers for you."

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How dare he try to bribe me!

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-I'll see him in the office later.

-There'll be quite a queue.

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-That's enough. And WILL you get away from my feet?!

-I'm sorry.

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-Good evening.

-Good eve...

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What's that paper in your hat?

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-Er...oh yes. That's for the sun.

-For the sun?

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Sgt Wilson won't let me wear my panama, and my nose is sensitive. This was the next best thing.

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-Words fail me (!)

-He'd better see you in the office as well.

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-Frazer, at least you look normal.

-Thank you, sir.

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The wee moose will be gone from my pocket by the morrow.

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What?

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The wee moose.

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I couldnae leave her by herself, sir. You see, she's...

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Her bairns are due.

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O-oh!

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Pregnant mice? Nose guards? Violins?

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I'm away a few hours and the entire unit crumbles before your eyes.

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What's this?

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I've joined your happy band. And where he goes, there goest I.

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If this is a joke, it's a bad one.

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-They asked to join and I saw no reason to stop them.

-Follow me. All three of you.

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Now, what's all this tomfoolery?

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-Don't call his Reverence a Tomfool.

-It's here in the paper.

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-I read that rubbish.

-They asked so I signed them on.

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It was quite spontaneous. I've been wrestling with my conscience.

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It's been agony. Night and day. Thank you, Mr Yateman.

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I asked myself, "Could I stand and watch my wife being raped by a Nazi?"

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"NO," I said, "I couldn't."

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You're not married.

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I have a very vivid imagination.

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With the example of the other clergy, I knew my place was at your side.

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-But I don't want you by my side.

-I'm afraid it's too late now, sir.

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-These the papers?

-Yes, sir.

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-We'll see.

-Don't destroy his particulars!

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It won't help. They're duplicates.

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Right. If that's how the land lies,

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soldiers you are and soldiers you shall be.

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Parade with Jones's section tonight and see what the army's all about.

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We won't spare you, I promise. There'll be no pulpit to lean on.

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Left right, left right, left right, squad...HALT!

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Left TURN!

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Private Pike, Private Vicar and Private Verger,

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stand fast, the rest into the guard room. Fall out.

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You'd better put your tin helmets on in case a bomb drops on you.

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Now listen, Private Vicar. Private Pike and I are going to demonstrate correct procedure for a soldier

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guarding things while on sentry.

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Now, the first thing to look out for is parachuters,

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saboteurs and enemies of the realm.

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If any of these should approach you,

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you challenge them in the aforesaid manner. Private Pike, you show them.

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Halt! Who goes there?

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-That was very good.

-Thanks very much.

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Now, you do it just like that.

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-Could I go in now? I'm cold. I haven't got my muffler.

-Wherrr.

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You don't want to bother about a muffler, boy! You're a soldier!

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HE SNEEZES

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You're right. It IS a bit nippy. Anyway, it won't take a tick.

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You do what Private Pike just done. Come on.

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Halt. Who goes there?

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Well, he's not going to come from down there, is he?!

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Can't you make your voice a bit more fiercer, like a rough, devil-may-care, brutal person?

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-I thought he did very well.

-I'm not asking you. Silence in the ranks.

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I'm not frightened of you at all. Quiet, Mr Yateman.

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If I hear any more, he'll be on a FISA Section 40 doc. to discipline...prejudice.

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-Can we do the next bit now?

-Yeah. We'll do the next bit. What is it?

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Upon being challenged with "Halt! Who goes there?", the saboteur or enemy of the realm says "Friend."

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-Whereupon you say "Advance, friend, and be recognised."

-Yeah, you do it.

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Advance, friend, and be recognised.

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YOU haven't got to be friendly. You're asking him if HE'S friendly.

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You don't want to be friendly, do you?

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Suppose he advances and I don't recognise him?

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If you don't know him, he'll know you. Everyone knows and respects his Reverence.

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Well, it's a bit more complicated, but you pick it up as you go along

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and if you have any bother, you send for the guard commander, that's me,

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and if I have any trouble, or anyone shoots you, I call out

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"Turn out the guard, turn out the guard" and we come and help you.

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Let's go in. It's a bit nippy out here.

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Heh-heh-heh, will you look at that?

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Two shillings for a packet of 20 cigarettes - highway robbery!

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I know, the world's gone mad.

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I remember, when I was young, some of us young blades decided to have a good night out.

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We went to London, saw the show at the Gaiety Theatre, and had a slap-up supper -

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four courses, with wine. Then we all sailed home in hansom cabs.

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And we had change out of half a sovereign!

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You know the trouble wi' you Godfrey, you've always been a spendthrift.

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Prices aren't too bad. Pikey and I went to the Rosemary Cafe in Eastgate for lunch.

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We had brown Windsor soup, we had whale cutlets, mashed potatoes, swedes,

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tapioca pudding and a cup of tea -

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Ninepence!

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Mind you, it wasn't very good.

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I was sick.

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# Oft in danger Oft in woe

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# Christian soldiers onward... #

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Your Reverence!

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Somebody is approaching. Where?

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There. Through the murk.

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Oh dear! Will you do it or will I?

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Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

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Halt! Who goes there?

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What?

0:21:120:21:14

Who goes there?

0:21:140:21:16

Adolf.

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What did he say?

0:21:170:21:19

He said Adolf! Did you say Adolf?

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That's right. Adolf Hitler.

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I think it's a cheeky young boy having us on.

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Come here, boy.

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If you don't behave, you'll be in trouble, for disobeying army orders.

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Go on! You're not proper soldiers. You're a vicar and he's a verger.

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I'm not taking any notice of you.

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One more chance! Say it again, Mr Yateman.

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Who goes there?

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- Adolf Hitler! - Oh no! We'd better call Mr Jones.

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I could clip him round the ear. No, we'll call Mr Jones.

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Turn out the guard!

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Come on, lads. The vicar's in trouble. Turn out the guard! Where's the enemy? Where are they?

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Fix bayonets!

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We said "Halt! Who goes there?" and he refuses to say "Friend."

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-Who?

-This little boy.

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You didnae turn us out for him!

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He's supposed to say it. You said so!

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I know that boy. He's a cheeky little monkey.

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He comes into my shop when it's full of people and shouts "Sainsbury's!"

0:22:270:22:32

He comes into our bank and shouts, "National Provincial."

0:22:330:22:38

-You can't do anything. You're not proper soldiers.

-Oh, aren't we? We'll show you. Bring him inside.

0:22:380:22:45

You heard what the corporal said. Get inside!

0:22:450:22:49

He hit me! You're not supposed to. It's against the Geneva convention.

0:22:490:22:55

Yes. And so's that!

0:22:550:22:58

Come in here, young fellow-me-lad.

0:22:580:23:00

He hit me, the bully. I'll tell my Uncle Willy on you.

0:23:000:23:05

Hey, hey! I want nae backchat, son. I'm going to talk to you in your AIN language.

0:23:050:23:11

WATCH OOT! Or I'll hand you over to the polis.

0:23:110:23:15

For not compiling with lawful things what we're telling you about.

0:23:150:23:21

-What's going on? Where's the guard?

-We've taken a suspect, and we're interrogorating him.

0:23:210:23:28

-Suspect? Where?

-Over there, sir.

0:23:290:23:32

-He doesn't look suspicious.

-He said his name was Adolf Hitler.

-Don't take too much stock of that.

0:23:320:23:39

Run along. In future, don't be cheeky.

0:23:390:23:42

He hit me. I want an apology.

0:23:420:23:45

-Go, or my sergeant will put a belt round your backside.

-So! Assault, battery, threats and foul language.

0:23:450:23:52

-I'll tell my uncle. He'll have the law on you.

-Wilson, see him off.

0:23:520:23:57

-Pardon, sir?

-See him off!

-Please stop addressing me like a labrador.

0:23:570:24:02

Go on, you little perisher!

0:24:030:24:06

Now, in case there's a follow-up to this, I want a report from you all, as soon as you are relieved.

0:24:090:24:16

I was joking when this guard skelped me across the lug.

0:24:160:24:21

Go on, Hamish.

0:24:210:24:23

Then they all set on me.

0:24:230:24:25

- Shovin' and punchin'? - Yeah. Then old sourface...

0:24:250:24:29

- Mainwaring? - Yes. He said I'd get a whipping so I ran off.

0:24:290:24:34

If anything makes my blood boil, it's cruelty to children.

0:24:340:24:38

They were very cruel. Come on. I'll settle their hash.

0:24:380:24:43

You going to fight him?

0:24:430:24:45

Well. We'll see what happens.

0:24:450:24:47

He's a cheeky wee devil.

0:24:490:24:52

-He deserved a skelping.

-Thank you, Frazer.

0:24:520:24:55

If you have the details, I'll sign. From my experience, that's the last we'll hear of it.

0:24:550:25:02

Mainwaring! Jacket off and outside!

0:25:040:25:07

What are you talking about? How dare you come barging in?

0:25:070:25:11

Hamish, repeat what you told me.

0:25:110:25:14

That's him, Uncle Willy. He hit me again and again.

0:25:140:25:18

-Uncle Willy?

-HE pointed his bayonet at me, and the fat one said,

0:25:180:25:24

"Run along or my sergeant will put his belt across your backside."

0:25:240:25:28

That's your mark, isn't it, bullying little boys. Why not pick on someone your own size? Try me! Come on!

0:25:280:25:36

Hold my glasses, Wilson.

0:25:370:25:39

Just a minute sir. Don't tangle with him in your crippled state. I'll do it, sir.

0:25:410:25:48

No, Jonesy. You're too old. Come on, PUT 'EM UP!

0:25:480:25:52

That's nice, that is. Eight against one.

0:25:530:25:57

Seven. I'm not well.

0:25:570:25:59

Right. I'm bringing charges. I'm having you all up in court. You'll hear a few home truths there.

0:25:590:26:07

They're a laughing stock. Laughing stock.

0:26:070:26:10

PLAYING soldiers. Playing! That's all.

0:26:100:26:14

-And his sausages are ALL BREAD!

-My sausages are NOT...

0:26:140:26:19

..well, you can't get the meat, sir.

0:26:190:26:22

You should hear us laugh when you come on parade and HE's hobbling around with his Red Cross handbag!

0:26:220:26:30

You with your Red Cross handbag!

0:26:300:26:33

They're almost as funny as the wardens.

0:26:330:26:36

Yeah! As funny as... WHAT DID YOU SAY?

0:26:360:26:39

You with your white hat and your flat nose and your "Fire! Fire!"

0:26:390:26:44

YOU CHEEKY LITTLE WHIPPERSNAPPER! I'll get you outside!

0:26:440:26:48

I think that's the last we've heard of that.

0:26:510:26:55

Although, one thing is quite clear.

0:26:550:26:57

If you, Vicar, and you, Verger, had dealt with it in a military fashion, this wouldn't have happened.

0:26:570:27:05

So it's all my fault, is it? It's his Reverence's fault?!

0:27:050:27:09

As far as I'm concerned, it shows how SILLY the whole thing is.

0:27:090:27:13

I'm fed up of you all. Keep your silly gun! And your silly hat!

0:27:130:27:19

- And your silly TUNIC! - What about the silly trousers?

0:27:190:27:24

I'll send them round in the morning. Come on!

0:27:240:27:28

Help! There's a bomb in the High Street, the town will be on fire.

0:27:280:27:33

-Sand buckets, Frazer! Get the pump! Pike, two buckets of water.

-Sorry! I didn't mean to tread on your foot.

0:27:330:27:40

Never mind that. There's a war on.

0:27:400:27:42

Where's my helmet? At the double!

0:27:420:27:46

Subtitles by David Padmore - 1993 -

0:28:330:28:37