Everybody's Trucking Dad's Army


Everybody's Trucking

Wartime sitcom. A big exercise is jeopardised when the platoon find an abandoned steam engine blocking the road.


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Transcript


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys who will make you think again,

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun,

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Don't 'alf look posh, Mr Jones! Must look after things, Pikey boy. Don't make vans like this now.

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Have to nurture 'em with craftsmanship, an' oil. That's real gold leaf! Really?

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Vanity, sheer vanity! He wants to bandy his name all over town, like a tin of baked beans.

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Beans? Looks rather jolly. It'll cheer people up, even if there's no meat in it.

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Wilson, gather the men, with their secret signs. It's confidential. Right.

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(Would you gather round?)

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(Er...would you mind gathering round Capt Mainwaring, quick as you can?)

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Wilson. Yes, sir? Wilson!

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Yes? Yes? Wilson! Here, sir.

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I'm over here, round the back. Sir!

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He wanted us to gather round him!

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You want me, sir? What are you doing? What you asked - getting them gathered round confidentially.

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What I have to SAY is confidential, not the fact that they have to gather round. Sorry, sir.

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Pay attention!

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'Scuse me, Mr Mainwaring, doesn't Mr Jones's van look nice? Don't interrupt, or you'll go home.

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What I have to say is confidential. It DOES look nice! Beg pardon? Jones's van. A marvellous job!

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Ye-es... Now, this area...

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'Scuse me, Mr Mainwaring, if Sgt Wilson interrupts, will you send HIM home? I shan't tell you again, Pike!

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Now, this area has been selected for the divisional scheme,

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and the broad outline of the plan...

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CLATTER

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Mr Mainwaring, you've knocked down my running board. Leave it! We'll deal with that later.

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You shouldn't do that, Mr Mainwaring. Quiet! He put his great leg on my running board!

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Better be quiet, Mr Jones, or he'll send you home. He's got a mood on.

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Now, three battalions of regular troops will move into this area round Walmington and Eastgate,

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and they will defend it in depth.

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Now, our task is a vitally important one.

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We are going to signpost the area so that the units reach their correct destination. Right?

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Now, the axis of advance is down the Clayton Road, thus...

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Don't do that, Mr Mainwaring! You're spoiling my van. Don't fuss. It'll rub off.

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You're making it worse! Don't! Don't! You're desecrating it, Mr Mainwaring.

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You can soon retouch that. Don't worry about it. Now, as you know, the signposts have been removed.

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So without our help, the whole convoy could end up in chaos.

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That's why you're preparing secret signs, so they can find their way.

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Who's got the one for Walmington?

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That's awfully good, Frank.

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The hand is almost lifelike, don't you think, sir? Well done.

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It's got dirty fingernails!

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Just one thing - it's pointing the wrong way. How d'you mean?

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If they're coming down yon road, Walmington is to the left. Ah...!

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I wondered who'd be the first to spot that.

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Well, it's easily solved, isn't it?

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Stupid boy!

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Just stand on your head. Don't be impertinent, Pike!

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It's quite simple, sir, just put it this way.

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The men coming down the road will see that there's nothing on it and they will be intrigued.

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They'll say, "I wonder if there's nothing also on the other side."

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They'll go round the other side, and it's pointing the right way, and we shall win the war.

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Who's got the Eastgate sign? Here it is, sir.

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What's that? Well, you said it was secret, so I thought I'd use code.

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A Chinaman for "east" and a gate for "gate". East-gate.

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I don't think that's a very good idea at all. Send him home!

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You'll be dropped off the van one by one. The signal is this...

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HITS VAN

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D'you mind not hitting that van in the aforesaid manner, sir? Stop fussing! There's a war on.

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Yes, but there's no need to spoil my van. That's up to Hitler.

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It's on the cards that you'll have to drive the van across country, and you may get stuck.

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Be prepared for it. Jones, just get in the van.

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Pretend you're driving, and you get stuck.

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You won't have to hit my van again, will you, sir? Just get in the driving-seat! Very good.

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Now, the materials you should carry are...

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1) sawdust; 2) empty sacking;

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3) planks; and 4) a length of rope.

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With these, and some brute force, you should overcome any hazard.

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Num-num-num-num-num-num-num... Going along all right.

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Num-num-num-num-num-num...

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Oh, dear! Look, I've got stuck. Woo-a, woo-a, woo-a woo-a...

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All right, Jones, switch off. Switch off. Switched off, sir.

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Right, the wheels are spinning. What do we do? Use sawdust or straw for grip, and give a bit of a push.

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Good! Take up pushing positions. I'll supervise from here.

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Right?

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Hey, you're spoiling my van again!

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You've made that dangle. It's falling to pieces. Sawdust, Wilson. Pardon? Sawdust.

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Over there, Uncle, by the wall. What about it? Put it under the wheels.

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Right. And don't dawdle. We've got a lot of ground to cover. Like this? That all right?

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Yes, you'll need a lot more than that. Right.

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Right, clear it up, Pike.

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He's only just thrown it down. Do as you're told, boy!

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That'll get you out of any mud or soft country. We could also have used straw.

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He's NOT throwing straw down as well?! A little wrinkle that's worth knowing in case of heavy ice.

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That is, let down the pressure of the rear tyres. I'll show you how to... Get out of the way!

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Now, you just depress the needle of the valve and let air out. LOUD HISS

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Oi, oi! What are you doing to my van? Seems to have got stuck. Give it a kick.

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Harder than that. The plunger's stuck. Just a minute, just a...

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Oi! Stop it! Stop doing that! Stop it!

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First signposter, stand by! He's standing by, sir. Tick him off the list, Wilson. Right, sir.

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This is a responsibility and an honour. One wrong sign, and it could be wrecked.

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There's the turning, sir.

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First signposter out!

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HITS VAN

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You're spoiling my van again, Mr Mainwaring. Don't be absurd, Jones, I've got to give the signal.

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Can't you make a noise that doesn't spoil my van? Toot your 'ooter!

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Good suggestion, Pike. We'll toot the hooter when we want you to disembark.

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He's goin' to toot the hooter when he wants you to get oot!

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I have good ideas sometimes!

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Captain Mainwaring, the first man has alighted safely. Right, drive on.

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VAN SLOWS DOWN AND HALTS

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Right, Jones, signal the last man out. Tick him off the list, Wilson. Right, sir.

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Hey! My tooter won't toot! Give it a good push, man.

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HORN BLARES Oh! Oh!

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HORN SLOWLY RUNS DOWN AND DIES

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You've broken my tooter now! I shan't have anything left if you carry on like this.

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Never mind, Jones, you're helping the war effort. The last signposter has just descended.

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Right. Turn the van, Jones, drive back to the crossroads,

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and when the convoy's gone through we can pick up everybody.

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Get out of the way! Go on, get out of the way!

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It's been left alone and uncared for. We'll get out and investigate.

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GENTLE HISSING OF STEAM

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Well, there seems to be no-one with it. I can see that!

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P'raps the driver's gone into the field to have a... Pike!

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Does it no' put you in mind of the Marie Celeste?

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She was found abandoned, food on the tables, wine in glasses,

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not a human soul, dead or alive, only the creaking of the rigging and the eerie cry of birds -

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cee-aaaw-w, cee-aaaw-w-w...

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Does it no' strike you, Captain Mainwaring? No, not really.

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Captain Mainwaring, there's a note. It says, "Gone to get coal."

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We can't hang about. He might have gone for miles. We'll drive round. Back on the van!

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Rather a lot of rain lately. Sure we won't bog down? Nonsense! Ground's as firm as a rock.

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Everybody on the van!

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Excuse me, sir, wouldn't it be better if some of us stayed off the van, to lighten the load?

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You're not very scientific, are you, Wilson?

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Everybody knows that extra weight gives more traction to the driving wheels. Oh. Use your common sense.

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Drive on, Jones.

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THE ENGINE IS LABOURING

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Mr Mainwaring, we're stuck.

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Pushing positions! Shouldn't some stay on to give more traction?

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Don't be flippant! The men are in pushing positions.

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Right. Captain Mainwaring, sir, could I push with only one hand?

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Touch of rheumatism in the shoulder. I had to sit in a draught...

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If you're not fit for front-line duty, you shouldn't come. I didn't want to disappoint you.

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Well done, Godfrey (!)

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Stand by to push. Take it away, Jones. Right, sir. Vroom, vroom, VROOM ! Num-num-num-num...

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..num-num-num-num... Jones, Jones! JONES !

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..num-num-num... VROOM ! JONES !

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This isn't an exercise, it's the real thing. Let the clutch in. Sorry, sir!

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Push!

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Stop, stop! Will you stop it ?!

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Look what you've done! What are you playing at, Pike? Your uniform!

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Should we no' be using the sawdust? Yes, of course. Shove it under the wheel. Right.

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Now, all push when I give the word. Jones, let the clutch in when I signal. Excuse me, sir.

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Pike should stand back this time. Certainly not. If you mollycoddle that boy, he'll end up a nancy.

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Get in your place, Pike.

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Right. Stand by...

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Push!

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REVVING ENGINE

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Nearly got it that time.

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I got it all right (!)

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Stuck in the mud, are we (?)

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Ignore him, Wilson. I don't want you to lose your temper with him.

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Dear, oh, dear! Playing at mud pies, are you? Wait till Mummy sees you!

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Go on, son, gie us a push! Help the war effort. You want to lift AND push.

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You come and lift 'ere with me, Mr Hodges. That mud will fly all over me.

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Jonesie, try to reverse, and we'll go out the way we came in. Good idea!

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Why didn't I think of that?

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Right. One, two, three...LIFT !

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Stop! It's no good. I'll say not! Look what you've done to me, you hooligans! Get the planks out.

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We left the planks in the hall. In the church hall ?! Put somebody on a charge.

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We could take the doors off the van and use those. Good idea! Give me a screwdriver.

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You can't have my doors. Why not? Won't do them any harm.

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I must stand up and boldly defy you, sir, or even threaten you with blackmail. What ?!

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I'll put you on my sausage blacklist. Steady on!

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I have a blacklist of people I will not supply sausages to. I'll put you on it.

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Sorry, Mr Mainwaring, but you've driven me to it. Captain Mainwaring,

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why not ask yon warden to give us a wee bit tow? Good idea! Sir...

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I think you should be very diplomatic with him. Oh, I will.

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Hey, you, Hodges! Come here! That should have done it (!)

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Be good enough to give us a tow. A tow?! What have YOU done for ME?

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There's a military convoy due, and we have to see it gets through. That's YOUR hard bum, mate!

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In the name of the King, I requisition your vegetable van. Oh, no, you don't!

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And if you don't like it, you know what you can do.

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Why don't you shoot him, Mr Mainwaring? Be quiet!

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Go on, shoot him! I said, be quiet!

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Look, he's driving round like we... You'll get stuck the same as we did!

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No, I won't, you dopey-looking thing!

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Who are YOU calling dopey? I won't get stuck. I've got it up 'ere.

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I'll back round so the driving wheels will be leading. That's where you want it, sonny!

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YOU could shoot him, Uncle Arthur. Go away, Frank.

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Use your loaf!

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Don't just stand there! Give us a push!

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Do we help him, sir? No. Just come away.

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Hey! Ask them to give us a hand!

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Are you stuck, Mr Mainwaring?

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Well, only slightly, but we'd be glad of an extra push.

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Come on, boys and girls, they need a push.

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EXCITED CHATTER

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Soon be out now.

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I don't think they'll be much help. This won't do at all. We'll manage, thank you.

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Go back on again. Back on the bus!

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GRUMBLING

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I'll come and tie the rope on, then I'll reverse and pull you out. The ground's all right here.

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Come on, boys and girls! Everybody off!

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I'm terribly sorry about this, Mr Bluett. It's a strange way to spend your annual party.

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Better than sitting in a draughty church hall, listening to those boring songs!

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I thought you liked my songs.

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Right, here we go!

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Won't he get stuck? I'm fed up with your pessimism, Wilson. The driver knows what he's doing.

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Right. Mr Mainwaring, I think you ought to know - the bus is stuck.

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What ?!

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Captain Mainwaring, I suppose you realise the convoy will come down that road 15 minutes from now.

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You're right, Fraser. Lorries piled up for a mile or more, sheer chaos! And you're responsible.

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You'll be a laughing-stock, man! I just thought you ought to know.

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We could divert them at the crossroads. I volunteer!

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It would take you an hour, even if you ran. He can't!

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Look! You could get a lift.

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Look! Captain Mainwaring and a lot of people. Oh, no! Hide!

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I can't hide in this. Pretend we haven't seen them.

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That's my bike. How dare you?! But it's the vicar's petrol.

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What are you doing, gallivanting with him? I've done nothing to be ashamed of.

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We're going to pick bluebells.

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That's my husband! You said you'd be all day repairing the organ.

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What about you? YOU said you were at the WVS. I take responsibility.

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Norman! I don't care, Beryl. Let the world know.

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Five years in heaven. Face the music.

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If something HAS been going on, I must reconsider your position in the church.

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Ooh, the scandal ! Pointing fingers! Wagging tongues!

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There AREN'T no bluebells just now. Sort this out some other time. In the name of the King,

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I requisition this motorbike.

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Oh, no, you don't! I'll get a tractor to tow me out. Give me a lift to the crossroads.

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Start bumping! What? Bump up and down to get us through the mud.

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Pike, get in and start bumping. Mainwaring shouldn't do that.

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We should be sitting round the fire, reading.

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Go on!

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Bump up and down! Pike!

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I AM bumping!

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Keep bumping! I AM bumping. Bump more!

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Come on, Sgt Wilson, we can manhandle it.

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Ready, boys...right! One, two, three...

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Heave!

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LOUD GRUNTING

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Captain Mainwaring!

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You've left a bit behind.

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Ruddy 'ooligans! You've ruined my bike!

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You're very heavy-handed with vehicles. You should cherish them, and they'd respond.

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Why don't we get the steam-engine to pull us out? We have no coal. Hodge's van is full of logs.

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I wondered how long it'd take you to think of that. Get the wood!

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Oh, no, you're not having my wood, and that's final.

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You really ought to shoot him. Quiet, Frank!

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Get the wood onto the fire.

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Fraser, can you drive the roller? Aye. On you go. Pike, disconnect the trailer.

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HORN TOOTS

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ORGAN PLAYS THE CAN-CAN

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Pike, stop that music!

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MUSIC PLAYS ON It won't stop, Mr Mainwaring. I said, stop the music! But...

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'Scuse me...

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MUSIC STOPS

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I stopped the music! Good.

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Stupid boy!

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HORN TOOTS

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Captain Mainwaring. Yes? My sister's auntie has a cottage at the crossroads.

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We could telephone her from that telephone box and she could divert the convoy. She's very determined!

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That's probably our best chance. Our ONLY chance. Make the call.

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Get that steamroller moving!

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Round a bit...bit more...

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That's enough!

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ENO-O-OUGH !

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Hello?

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I think the line's out of order, Mr Mainwaring.

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Mr Mainwaring, the wire's down. You've done it now! The convoy will come up that road...

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My men will have this lot joined up in no time. Where there's a will, there's a way. Back off, Fraser.

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Bit more!

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Bit more!

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Bit more...contact!

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All right, Captain Mainwaring! Put the twopence in, Wilson. Over to you, Godfrey.

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Good morning, operator. Walmington-on-Sea 302, please.

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Subtitles by Elizabeth Ogilvie BBC Scotland 1991

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A CHOIR HUMS: Adagio For Strings by Samuel Barber

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BRAYING AND BOOING

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