A Man of Action Dad's Army
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Transcript
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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, | 0:00:02 | 0:00:07 | |
# If you think we're on the run? | 0:00:07 | 0:00:11 | |
# We are the boys who will stop your little game | 0:00:11 | 0:00:17 | |
# We are the boys who will make you think again | 0:00:17 | 0:00:21 | |
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, | 0:00:21 | 0:00:26 | |
# If you think old England's done? | 0:00:26 | 0:00:31 | |
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21 | 0:00:31 | 0:00:36 | |
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun | 0:00:36 | 0:00:41 | |
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, | 0:00:41 | 0:00:46 | |
# If you think old England's done? # | 0:00:46 | 0:00:50 | |
I ain't half hungry, Mr Jones! | 0:00:59 | 0:01:02 | |
You're always hungry! I'll finish this off and we'll report back. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:08 | |
-They're nice pears, aren't they? -Mm. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
Do you think we'll ever have bananas again? | 0:01:12 | 0:01:17 | |
Of course, when the war's over. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
Mm. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:20 | |
I used to love bananas and cream. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
I used to mash 'em all up lots of cream and sugar. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:27 | |
I'd squeeze a mouthful through the gaps in my teeth. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:32 | |
Do you like squeezing bananas through your teeth? | 0:01:34 | 0:01:39 | |
No. I don't mind blancmange. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
Jelly? | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
Jelly's all right. But not bananas, not with this upper set. It's too risky! | 0:01:45 | 0:01:51 | |
And chocolate cream? | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
Lovely! | 0:01:54 | 0:01:55 | |
And talking of that, I'll tell you something | 0:01:55 | 0:01:59 | |
reminds me of when I was in the Boer War. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
Christmas 1900 it was. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
Queen Victoria sent all of us lads a tin box with a slab of chocolate in it. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:11 | |
I never touched that chocolate for 25 years. I kept it unopened for 25 years! | 0:02:11 | 0:02:18 | |
Right through the Boer and the First World wars. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
When I went into hospital, I gave it to Charlie Higgins to look after. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:27 | |
-You never ate it? -I never touched it for 25 years! | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
Then one day I said to myself, "I fancy a bit of chocolate!" | 0:02:31 | 0:02:36 | |
I opened the tin. It was full of sand! | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
Charlie Higgins had eaten it while I was in hospital! | 0:02:39 | 0:02:43 | |
-But I got my revenge on him! -What did you do? | 0:02:43 | 0:02:48 | |
Every year, when we had the Old Comrades Association reunion, | 0:02:48 | 0:02:53 | |
I used to look Charlie Higgins full in the face and sing... | 0:02:53 | 0:02:57 | |
-# -..Comrades, comrades, ever since we were boys | 0:02:57 | 0:03:03 | |
-# -Sharing each other's sorrow, sharing each other's... | 0:03:03 | 0:03:08 | |
-# -..CHOCOLATE!! -# | 0:03:08 | 0:03:09 | |
He used to go all red and look on the ground! | 0:03:11 | 0:03:15 | |
Wasn't a great rhyme, but it did the trick! | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
Talking about chocolate...when I was a kid, I was passing this spot with my mum and I asked for chocolate. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:26 | |
She said no, so do you know what I did? | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
I put me head through those gate bars and pretended I couldn't get it out! | 0:03:30 | 0:03:36 | |
-What did your mum do? -She said she was going to call the fire brigade! | 0:03:36 | 0:03:41 | |
I took me head out and laughed! | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
Then she hit me! | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
Kids are always getting stuck in railings! | 0:03:46 | 0:03:50 | |
All I did was ask for chocolate, she said no, | 0:03:50 | 0:03:54 | |
so I went over to the gate and stuck me head through, that's all! | 0:03:54 | 0:03:59 | |
It's time to get back, come on! | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
Mr Jones! | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
What's up? | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
I'm stuck! | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
There's no time to play funny jokes! They'll be wondering where we are. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:22 | |
I'm not playing a funny joke! I can't get it out! Look, I can't get it out! | 0:04:22 | 0:04:27 | |
Blimey! | 0:04:30 | 0:04:31 | |
Ooh! Don't do that! Don't, please! | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
I can't understand it, it came out all right last time! | 0:04:35 | 0:04:39 | |
-How old were you last time? -Twelve. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:43 | |
Your head's grown since then. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
I didn't think heads grew! DON'T you're pulling my ears off! What are we going to do? | 0:04:45 | 0:04:52 | |
Twist it round and try. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
-I can't! -Go on, twist it! -Watch the spike! -Pull now! Pull, pull! | 0:04:55 | 0:05:00 | |
-Not that way! -Don't move the gate then! What are we going to do? | 0:05:00 | 0:05:05 | |
Don't panic! Don't panic! | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
Don't panic, I'll... | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
..I'll, er... | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
..I'll telephone that Mr Mainwaring on the telephone and, and... | 0:05:12 | 0:05:17 | |
..whatever you do, don't go away. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
Don't move and don't panic! | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
-I think you're making a big mistake, sir! -Oh, you do?! | 0:05:23 | 0:05:28 | |
You're asking for trouble. Why did you agree to it? | 0:05:28 | 0:05:32 | |
I didn't want to offend. When that editor said he wanted to do a piece on us, I jumped at the chance. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:40 | |
If the reporter is a temporary member of the platoon, he'll be with us all the time! | 0:05:40 | 0:05:47 | |
That's my idea! If he's one of us, he can write the articles from first-hand knowledge. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:54 | |
-Isn't that dangerous? -How do you mean? | 0:05:54 | 0:05:57 | |
If he's here all the time, how are you going to be able to cover up your, er...mistakes?! | 0:05:57 | 0:06:04 | |
I'll pretend I didn't hear that remark! | 0:06:07 | 0:06:11 | |
-KNOCK ON DOOR -Come. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
-I've brought you some cocoas. They're hot. -Thank you so much. -Thank you, Frazer. Thank you. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:21 | |
Your reporter fella's outside. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
Send him in. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
Captain Mainwaring, I may have said some harsh things in the past, | 0:06:26 | 0:06:31 | |
but I'd like to say, here and now, I admire your courage! | 0:06:31 | 0:06:36 | |
I don't quite understand, Frazer. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
You're a very brave man to let that reporter fella watch your every move! | 0:06:39 | 0:06:45 | |
-You're either very brave, or else... -Or what?! | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
Nothing, sir. Nothing at all! | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
I admire you. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
All the same, I cannae help thinking you're running a terrible risk, that's all! | 0:06:53 | 0:07:00 | |
What do you think he meant by that? | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
I've no idea. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
-KNOCK ON DOOR -Come in. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
Mr Cheeseman, of the Eastbourne Gazette. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
STRONG WELSH ACCENT: Good day! | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
Hello. All ready to start work? | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
Yes, indeed! | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
Good! You will be a temporary trainee recruit. Have you measured him for his uniform, Godfrey? | 0:07:19 | 0:07:27 | |
No, we've only one spare suit! | 0:07:27 | 0:07:30 | |
Oh! | 0:07:30 | 0:07:31 | |
Well, measure him for that! | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
I thought I'd call the first article, "Captain Mainwaring, Man Of Action!" | 0:07:33 | 0:07:40 | |
Excellent title! | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
Yes, it is, sir! | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
It'll look awfully good in print! | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
"Man Of Action?" | 0:07:48 | 0:07:50 | |
No, there's no question mark after the title, Frazer. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:55 | |
A photograph! | 0:07:55 | 0:07:56 | |
Good idea! Would you like me sitting down, or standing up in a fashionable manner? | 0:07:56 | 0:08:02 | |
YOU'RE not in this! | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
-Right, sir. -Officers only! -Right. -Should I be working at my desk? | 0:08:05 | 0:08:09 | |
That's good! | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
Should I wear the gloves or not, do you think? | 0:08:11 | 0:08:16 | |
Won't it look strange, writing with gloves on?! | 0:08:16 | 0:08:19 | |
This pen's no good, anyway! Lend me your gold pen. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:26 | |
You know that I never ever lend my pen to anyone it hurts the nib! | 0:08:26 | 0:08:31 | |
Not to use! I only want to hold it. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:34 | |
Just keep the top on! | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
How can I have a photograph taken, writing with a pen with the top on?! | 0:08:37 | 0:08:43 | |
I think, perhaps, I should be on the telephone. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
Yes! Get on the phone, that's good! | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Is there no limit to his conceit? I think he looks noble! | 0:08:49 | 0:08:54 | |
How's that? | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
Oh, yes! Very Churchillian! Yes, indeed! | 0:08:56 | 0:09:00 | |
Hello! | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
Permission to speak, sir? | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
Jones? Get off the telephone. I'm having my photograph taken! | 0:09:04 | 0:09:10 | |
Is there something wrong? | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
No! It's just a patrol phoning in. The whole thing works like a smooth, well-oiled machine! | 0:09:12 | 0:09:19 | |
Ooh! | 0:09:19 | 0:09:21 | |
Jones, give me your report. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:24 | |
Pike's got his head caught in the park gates. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:28 | |
I see. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
Did you hear me, sir? Pike's got his head caught in the park gates. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:37 | |
Good, good! Excellent! | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
Good...?! What's good about it? | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
I don't understand! What shall I do, Mr Mainwaring? | 0:09:42 | 0:09:46 | |
Can't you remove the obstacle? | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
Well, I've tried pulling, sir, but it's his ears they're in the way! | 0:09:49 | 0:09:55 | |
Anything wrong? | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
No, nothing wrong at all. One of my patrols got hung up, that's all. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:03 | |
Something is exposed which shouldn't be exposed. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
Well, well! | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
It shouldn't be exposed, cover it up. Camouflage! I'll be along as soon as I can. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:16 | |
What is it that's exposed? | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
Don't ask questions like that in front of a civilian! I'm going to investigate. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:25 | |
-I'll come too! -No civilians I'm afraid. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
You see, the thing which is exposed which shouldn't be exposed is highly secret. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:35 | |
I'm a member of the platoon now. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
-You're not a member until I've sworn you in. -Swear me in now then! | 0:10:38 | 0:10:44 | |
-No time for that! Stay here, I'll swear you in later. -Righto, boy! | 0:10:44 | 0:10:50 | |
What are you covering me up for, Mr Jones? | 0:10:51 | 0:10:55 | |
It's got nothing to do with me! Mainwaring said you've got to be camouflaged! Hang on to that! | 0:10:55 | 0:11:02 | |
-Oi, eh! -What? -Couldn't you find a bush with no prickles on it?! -I'll go and find some. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:10 | |
Where is he? | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
I'm here...! I'm sorry! | 0:11:12 | 0:11:16 | |
Stupid boy! | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
-Why didn't you say that Frank had got stuck? -In front of that reporter?! | 0:11:18 | 0:11:25 | |
Why the camouflage? | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
-AIR RAID WARNING -Because we'd have been a laughing stock! | 0:11:27 | 0:11:32 | |
GODFREY: There they are again! | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
Right, get your tin helmets on, men! | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
-What about me? -We must take shelter. -What about me? | 0:11:39 | 0:11:43 | |
Be quiet, Pike! Put your helmet on. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:47 | |
I could run back to the workshop and bring my hacksaw. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:51 | |
That'll waste time. It'll take hours. Why not get the fire brigade? | 0:11:51 | 0:11:56 | |
They've more important things to do. Anyway, I don't want people to know! | 0:11:56 | 0:12:01 | |
I told you to put your helmet on! | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
-It won't go through. -Put it sideways! -How can I see which is sideways?! | 0:12:04 | 0:12:10 | |
Don't you use that tone of voice to me, Pike! | 0:12:10 | 0:12:14 | |
Jones, help him with his helmet. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
Yes, sir. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
If we smeared Vaseline on his head, he might slip through. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:24 | |
That's a very good idea! Wilson, Frazer...grease Pike's head. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:29 | |
What are you fiddling about like that for? | 0:12:29 | 0:12:33 | |
-Whenever I put his helmet on, it falls off! -Give it to me! | 0:12:33 | 0:12:37 | |
Hey, that's cold! | 0:12:37 | 0:12:39 | |
All right! It's only Vaseline! | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
Don't just dab at it, like some Nancy-boy! Smear it in! | 0:12:42 | 0:12:47 | |
I am! | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
-I'm going to tell my mum about this! -Be quiet! | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
Don't be soft! | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
No! Eugh! | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
Grab his legs and bring your full weight to bear. | 0:12:56 | 0:13:00 | |
No, not your full weight! | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
-Get what parts as you can. -Right, sir. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
Ready... | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
..PULL! | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
Me ears!! | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
It's no good. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
Don't give up! Try again...PULL! | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
Ooh, no, no! | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
-PULL! -NO!! | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
LOUD EXPLOSION | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
That was too heavy for a bomb. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:29 | |
Sounded like a land mine. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
I thought it was Pike's head exploding! | 0:13:31 | 0:13:35 | |
FRAZER: We'll have to get this boy under cover, sir! | 0:13:35 | 0:13:40 | |
Yes, I'm well aware of that, Frazer! | 0:13:40 | 0:13:43 | |
Gather round me "O" group, here. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
We've got to get this boy out of the railings. Any suggestions? | 0:13:47 | 0:13:52 | |
-Permission to speak, sir? -Yes. -Desperate times need desperate measures. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:59 | |
-The only thing stopping us getting Pike's head out is his ears. -Yes. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:04 | |
So I suggest we remove them. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
What do you mean? | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
Cut 'em off! | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
Jones, for heaven's sake! | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
We only need to cut one off. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:18 | |
Don't talk rubbish! Pike can't go about without any ears! | 0:14:18 | 0:14:22 | |
It's better than not having a head! | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
Eh! Eh! You're talking about me, aren't you? What are you saying? | 0:14:25 | 0:14:31 | |
Mind your own business! | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
Eavesdropper! | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
If we lifted the gate off the hinges, we might be able to march with it back to the church hall. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:43 | |
Well done, Wilson! I was waiting to see who would spot that one first. Come on! | 0:14:45 | 0:14:52 | |
Wh-what are you doing? What are you doing? | 0:14:55 | 0:14:59 | |
Eh! | 0:14:59 | 0:15:00 | |
My head! | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
-When we lift, don't go up with it. Slide your head down the rails. -You should have said! -Lift! | 0:15:02 | 0:15:09 | |
It's coming, sir, it's coming! | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
-That's got it! Right... -Be careful! | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
Let's get back to the church hall as quick as we can and hope to goodness nobody sees us! | 0:15:15 | 0:15:22 | |
By the left, quick march! | 0:15:22 | 0:15:25 | |
Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! | 0:15:25 | 0:15:29 | |
Right wheel! | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
Right wheel! | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
Left, right! Left, right! Keep in step, Pike! | 0:15:36 | 0:15:40 | |
INAUDIBLE | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
Left, right! Left, right! | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
Left, right! Left, left! | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
Left, right! Left! | 0:15:50 | 0:15:52 | |
Down on your right. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
-Do not juggle the private! -Don't juggle me! | 0:15:55 | 0:15:59 | |
Stand easy. Right. Put it down gently there. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:04 | |
God! | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
-My arms have been dragged out of their sockets! -What about my head?! | 0:16:06 | 0:16:11 | |
-Stop grumbling! -Yes, stop grumbling! | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
We cannae stand here like this all night! | 0:16:14 | 0:16:18 | |
-Permission to speak? -Mm. -Let's get two ropes and tie it to the beam. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:24 | |
Good idea. Sponge, go and get two lengths of rope. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:28 | |
Yes, sir. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
They did that in the Sudan hang prisoners up with nothing to drink! | 0:16:30 | 0:16:36 | |
-I don't want that! -You'll do as you're told! | 0:16:36 | 0:16:40 | |
I could bring him water from time to time. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
Godfrey, don't put YOUR head through! | 0:16:44 | 0:16:48 | |
Heavens, what on earth's going on in the office?! | 0:16:50 | 0:16:54 | |
Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed! | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
Oh, thank goodness you're here, Captain Mainwaring! | 0:16:56 | 0:17:00 | |
-Who's this? -Private Pike. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:03 | |
How are you? | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
Nice to meet you! | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
Yes, indeed! | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
Why is his head stuck in the gate? | 0:17:09 | 0:17:12 | |
-It's highly secret! -Well, you can tell ME! | 0:17:12 | 0:17:16 | |
-I can't. I haven't sworn you in! -Do it now, then! | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
There's no time for that now! What's going on in there? | 0:17:19 | 0:17:24 | |
-The chief warden is holding a meeting... -How dare he?! Wilson! We'll soon sort this out! | 0:17:24 | 0:17:30 | |
EXCITED TALK | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
- Where have you been? -How dare you hold a meeting in my office?! | 0:17:33 | 0:17:39 | |
It's MY office! | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
- -And MINE! -And MINE, and I'M holding an emergency meeting! -What emergency? | 0:17:41 | 0:17:46 | |
You mean you haven't heard?! | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
< Do you know these gentlemen? | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
-Nice to see you! It was fun last night, wasn't it? Connie wears well, doesn't she?! -Never mind Connie! | 0:17:52 | 0:18:00 | |
-What's happening here? -A land mine has landed on the railway line! | 0:18:00 | 0:18:05 | |
It's destroyed 100 yards of track! | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
Gas and water supplies have been cut off! | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
If they drop fire bombs, that's it! | 0:18:11 | 0:18:15 | |
-I'm getting on to GHQ. -The telephone lines are down too! | 0:18:15 | 0:18:19 | |
I've just heard no gas, no water, no telephones. The town's cut off! We're marooned, marooned! | 0:18:19 | 0:18:27 | |
-What are we going to do? -All right, Mr Town Clerk, don't panic! | 0:18:27 | 0:18:32 | |
Somebody must do something! | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
THEY ARGUE | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
-Something's got to be done! -It certainly has! | 0:18:40 | 0:18:44 | |
-I shall have to take charge. -I agree. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
-That's the sort of remark... what?! -I quite agree. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:52 | |
Without you in charge, God knows what will happen! | 0:18:52 | 0:18:56 | |
-Thank you, Wilson! -Not at all. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
Get Frazer, Jones and Godfrey in here, at the double. Rifles and bayonets. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:06 | |
Frazer, Jones, Godfrey, at the double! Rifles and bayonets. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:10 | |
There we are, sir. How was that? | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
-I could hardly believe my ears! Is this really you?! -Yes, sir! | 0:19:13 | 0:19:18 | |
When the occasion demands, I can bawl and shout...just like you! | 0:19:18 | 0:19:23 | |
Now, Vicar... Vicar, I'm very sorry to do this... | 0:19:23 | 0:19:27 | |
-Jones. -Sir. -Frazer. -Yes. -Clear my desk! -Clear the desk! | 0:19:27 | 0:19:32 | |
How dare you threaten the vicar with a bayonet?! | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
I'm threatening YOU too! Clear off! | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
I think we'd better humour him! Captain Mainwaring has gone mad! | 0:19:38 | 0:19:44 | |
Form a tight group behind me. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
In a tight group, behind the Captain, at the double! | 0:19:46 | 0:19:51 | |
Are you all right, sir? | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
Not as tight as that! | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
THEY CHATTER | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
Get their attention! | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
Come along, you hanged Sassenachs! Come along! | 0:20:02 | 0:20:06 | |
-All right! -All right, Frazer, that's enough! | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
Captain Mainwaring would like to make an announcement. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:15 | |
As from now, this town is under martial law. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:19 | |
ALL: Martial law?! Meaning? | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
I'm in charge! | 0:20:21 | 0:20:23 | |
He's been leading up to this for years and now he's finally done it! | 0:20:23 | 0:20:29 | |
You won't get away with it, Napoleon! | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
Inspector, arrest that man! | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
Captain Mainwaring, you really can't do this, you know! | 0:20:34 | 0:20:39 | |
If anyone should take charge, the police should! Anyway, where's your authority? | 0:20:39 | 0:20:46 | |
There's my symbol of authority! | 0:20:47 | 0:20:50 | |
And I have 15 fully-armed men behind me! What have you got? | 0:20:50 | 0:20:54 | |
Well, there's me and my sergeant, two constables... | 0:20:54 | 0:20:58 | |
Dick and George! Dick and George! | 0:20:58 | 0:21:02 | |
Captain Mainwaring man of action, I'm right behind you, boy! The power of the pest, remember! | 0:21:02 | 0:21:10 | |
Thank you, Mr Cheeseman! | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
-Sergeant Wilson, bring some paper and pencils. -Right. -The rest of you, follow me! | 0:21:12 | 0:21:19 | |
Pay attention, everybody! | 0:21:19 | 0:21:22 | |
This town is now under martial law. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
Stop him, we can't let him take over the town! The man's a tyrant! | 0:21:25 | 0:21:30 | |
< Look how he punishes his men! | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
No, I'm not being punished! | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
Be quiet, Pike! | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
Now...Wilson, Jones, Frazer! | 0:21:38 | 0:21:40 | |
You will take these orders, then you will get on your bicycles | 0:21:40 | 0:21:45 | |
and shout these messages all round the town! | 0:21:45 | 0:21:49 | |
Wilson, start getting it down. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:52 | |
-This town is under martial law. -"This town..." | 0:21:52 | 0:21:55 | |
-All looters will be shot on sight! -"All looters..." | 0:21:55 | 0:21:59 | |
I demand that he is stopped! He's behaving like a dictator in some South American banana republic! | 0:21:59 | 0:22:08 | |
Does that mean we're going to have bananas again? | 0:22:08 | 0:22:12 | |
There's been damage to gas and water supplies, so there is a danger of cholera. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:18 | |
-Drinking water must be boiled. -"Drinking water must be boiled." | 0:22:18 | 0:22:23 | |
-How can they boil it without gas? -That's their business! -"That's..." -No, no! | 0:22:23 | 0:22:30 | |
-No baths without a permit. -"No baths without a permit." | 0:22:30 | 0:22:34 | |
Jones, you're in charge of those permits. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:38 | |
-Captain... -Be quiet, Godfrey! | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
-All rumour-mongerers will be imprisoned! -"All..." | 0:22:40 | 0:22:45 | |
-All defeatists will be imprisoned! -"All..." | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
-Anyone not obeying military law... -"Anyone..." -..will be imprisoned! | 0:22:48 | 0:22:54 | |
We've only got two cells! | 0:22:54 | 0:22:56 | |
I'm going to see the mayor about this! | 0:22:56 | 0:23:00 | |
-No more than five persons at any gathering! -"Five persons at any..." | 0:23:00 | 0:23:05 | |
But I have ten in my congregation! Nine one's expecting her fifth. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:11 | |
He'll try and stop that an' all! | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
Take the warden's name! | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
Here's another one no alcohol to be sold without my permission. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:22 | |
Ah, no, no! | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
That is undemocratic! | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
-Frazer will be in charge of permits. -I'm right behind you, Captain! | 0:23:27 | 0:23:32 | |
Now...when you have shouted these messages around, report back. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:39 | |
-My HQ will be in the town hall. -Why the town hall? | 0:23:39 | 0:23:43 | |
Because he who holds the town hall, holds Walmington-on-Sea! | 0:23:43 | 0:23:47 | |
Right, come along men! We march on the town hall! | 0:23:47 | 0:23:52 | |
Left! Left! Left! | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
Left! Left! | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
Mr Godfrey, I don't know how much more I can take | 0:24:02 | 0:24:06 | |
hanging here with my head in a gate! | 0:24:06 | 0:24:09 | |
You must be brave, Frank, and hang on as long as you can! | 0:24:09 | 0:24:13 | |
Somebody had better do something soon! | 0:24:13 | 0:24:17 | |
Ever so soon! | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
I quite appreciate how you feel! | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
You have my most sincere sympathies! | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
No baths without a permit! | 0:24:28 | 0:24:31 | |
-No baths without a permit! -Yes, all right, Jones, you can stop it now. We're here, you see! | 0:24:31 | 0:24:38 | |
I never knew you had such a loud voice! | 0:24:38 | 0:24:41 | |
Uncle Arthur! Have you thought how to get me out? | 0:24:41 | 0:24:46 | |
Frank, will you stop moaning! I promise you, I'm working on it! | 0:24:46 | 0:24:51 | |
Ooh, er... | 0:24:52 | 0:24:53 | |
..excuse me. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
What are you doing out at this time, Mr Bluett? | 0:24:55 | 0:24:59 | |
Well, I was going to have a bath, | 0:24:59 | 0:25:02 | |
and, er, I got one foot in... | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
..and I heard this voice telling me I had to have a permit! | 0:25:05 | 0:25:10 | |
I really don't think... | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
He must have a permit! It's what I've been shouting about! | 0:25:12 | 0:25:17 | |
This thing is getting ridiculous! | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
Make your mind up because the water's getting cold! | 0:25:20 | 0:25:24 | |
The trouble is that I haven't got any bath permits at the moment! | 0:25:24 | 0:25:29 | |
Wait a minute, hang on! | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
The wife gets in after me. Does she need a permit too? | 0:25:31 | 0:25:36 | |
No, one permit will be all right. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:39 | |
I hereby give you permission to take a bath. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:43 | |
Yours sincerely, Jack Jones, Lance Corporal. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:48 | |
-There you are! -Ta! | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
Er, who do I give it to? | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
Ah! | 0:25:55 | 0:25:56 | |
I think you'd better give it to me! | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
That's all right, then. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
You see, I'm a very law abiding man. I like to obey the rules. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:09 | |
I wouldn't like to end up being punished like him! | 0:26:09 | 0:26:13 | |
-Well, goodnight all! -Goodnight, Mr Bluett. -Good night. | 0:26:13 | 0:26:17 | |
This whole thing's become a complete farce! | 0:26:17 | 0:26:20 | |
You're back early, sir! I thought you'd taken over the town hall! | 0:26:20 | 0:26:25 | |
It was closed. It doesn't open until nine in the morning. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:30 | |
I got a photograph of the captain at the door and the town clerk going like this! | 0:26:30 | 0:26:37 | |
I'll deal with him first thing in the morning! | 0:26:37 | 0:26:41 | |
-What about me? -Be quiet! You'll be dealt with in due course. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:46 | |
Captain, I think you're behaving in an undemocratic and unconstitutional manner, | 0:26:46 | 0:26:53 | |
and thus usurping the power of the land! | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
I think Frazer's absolutely right. | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
You can't shout at people and threaten to shoot them! You're behaving like a dictator! | 0:26:59 | 0:27:07 | |
I'm simply asking people to do as they're told! | 0:27:07 | 0:27:11 | |
Permission to speak, sir? | 0:27:11 | 0:27:13 | |
You are within your rights to uslurp the power of the land and carry out the coup de tart. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:20 | |
Thank you. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:23 | |
Someone has to take over in this emergency. And that someone is me. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:29 | |
As soon as the civil powers are able to cope, I shall relinquish control. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:34 | |
People must knuckle down! It's for their own good! | 0:27:34 | 0:27:39 | |
-I'm Captain Swan. -Captain Mainwaring, how do you do? | 0:27:39 | 0:27:43 | |
I've come to take over control and distribution of services. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:47 | |
Martial law? | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
You could call it that. Here's a note about it. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:53 | |
The usual illegal assembly, looting... | 0:27:53 | 0:27:56 | |
I've arranged all of this. I'm in command. | 0:27:56 | 0:28:00 | |
Then all I've got to do is to take over from you. Where's your office? | 0:28:00 | 0:28:05 | |
Over there! | 0:28:05 | 0:28:07 | |
Thank you. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:09 | |
-You don't mind if I borrow your desk? -Now, look here... | 0:28:10 | 0:28:14 | |
This is monstrous! Monstrous! | 0:28:20 | 0:28:23 | |
It's unconstitutional, undemocratic, and against everything we're fighting for! | 0:28:23 | 0:28:29 | |
I intend to see my MP at once! | 0:28:29 | 0:28:32 | |
I wouldn't worry too much, sir. You'll just have to knuckle down! | 0:28:32 | 0:28:37 | |
It's for your own good! | 0:28:37 | 0:28:40 | |
Subtitles by Sarah Burleigh 1993 | 0:29:32 | 0:29:36 |