Gorilla Warfare Dad's Army


Gorilla Warfare

Classic sitcom. During an exercise, Captain Mainwaring takes the role of a highly important secret agent. The regular army try to prevent him completing his mission.


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Transcript


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening

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# And he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think

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# You are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Get your stuff on the van as quickly as you can.

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Good afternoon, Captain. I ain't half looking forward to the exercise!

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Pike. How many times have I told you not to wear that scarf on parade?

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Mum made me.

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She said if we're sleeping out, I'd catch cold.

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In this weather? It's mid-summer!

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Ah! Hello, sir.

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What have you got in the suitcase?

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Just a couple of rugs, and pyjamas and things.

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Rugs! Pyjamas! On active service!

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I never heard of anything like it in my life!

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As my sergeant you're supposed to set an example of toughness.

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You're supposed...

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Are you wearing scent?

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Scent?

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-Yes!

-I use eau de Cologne after shaving.

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-Scent! After shaving?

-Yes.

-I've never heard of such a thing.

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Mum likes it. She says it smells nice.

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-I've never smelt it before.

-I only use it at weekends. It's frightfully hard to get.

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Decadent! That's your trouble. Decadent!

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You'll be wearing suede shoes next!

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Wash it off. You don't catch people like Frazer stinking of scent!

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CHOKES

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What's... What's that smell?

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Just a wee drop of embalming fluid behind the ears.

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It keeps the mosquitoes away.

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Good afternoon, Captain Mainwaring.

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What are you carrying that eiderdown for?

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My sister thought it might help keep me warm.

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You can't move swiftly carrying that!

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He couldnae move swiftly stark naked!

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-All present and correct and raring to go.

-Thank you.

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Just a minute.

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What's that?

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IN A WELSH ACCENT: That? That's so everyone knows what I do.

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What do you do?

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Well, WC! War Correspondent.

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Get it off at once. And you can't bring that camera on parade.

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-Well...

-He's been taking my photo

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featuring me in an article in the Gazette.

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What about this for a title, now?

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Corporal Jones, Battle-scarred Veteran.

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It doesn't mean I'm all mangled and mingy. It means mentally scarred.

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-It means you're barmy!

-I am NOT barmy! Don't...

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All right! We've wasted enough time.

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Pay attention. Fall in. Three ranks, please.

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Cheeseman! Not with the camera.

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-There we are.

-What shall I do with this?

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-Oh, give it to me.

-Right, sir.

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Platoon!

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Attention!

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-Present and correct, sir.

-Stand at ease.

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For the purposes of this exercise,

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we are a patrol of commandos behind enemy lines.

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Our task is to rendezvous with an important secret agent,

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who has been dropped by parachute.

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We shall then escort the secret agent to his secret destination.

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I volunteer to be that important secret agent, sir.

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Thank you, but I've already decided who will be the important agent.

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It's not you by any chance, is it?

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Yes.

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How did you know?

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Just a guess.

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< Mr Mainwaring?

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Will you really parachute out of a plane?

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Stupid boy! It's a hypothetical parachute.

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I shouldn't use one of them. It's not safe!

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Our task is to see we are not spotted from the air, so we shall be wearing camouflage.

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GHQ, on the other hand, will be doing their best to capture our secret agent.

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Who is important.

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They will try to divert us from our task

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with the use of counter-agents.

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Now, counter-agents,

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as you probably...

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Wilson? WILSON!

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What are you doing?

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Sorry. As it's such a beautiful day, I thought that while you were chatting over there,

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I'd take advantage of this glorious sun and get myself a little bit of a tan.

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Mum says he's looking peaky.

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How will we know who these counter-agents are?

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We won't. They use all sorts of disguises.

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How important are their counter-agents?

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-Just important, or highly important?

-It's not important.

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I'm sure you're the most important.

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There's nobody more important than you, Captain.

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Yes, indeed!

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We had an important agent in the Sudan till them fuzzies got him.

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He wasn't very important after that!

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I wouldn't like that to happen to you.

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Tell them what happened to the Eastgate platoon last week.

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-Tell them what Fruity Buckmaster told you.

-Oh, yes!

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Rather funny really. You see...

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..the Eastgate platoon did a similar exercise.

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Captain Square made himself the important secret agent.

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He would! Pompous ass!

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Well, they'd only been gone an hour when he was captured.

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Made a complete mess of the whole thing!

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Laughing and sneering at poor old Captain Square and Eastgate platoon!

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Hooligans, that's what they are!

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So you don't mind helping Captain Square? There's £1 each in it for us.

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I'd do it for nothing! Any enemy of Mainwaring is a friend of mine!

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Right, men. Get ready to move off.

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Remember what Square said. We're to make sure Mainwaring's mob are spotted by that plane.

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I'll put the men in the picture.

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Corporal Jones.

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-Sir!

-Line the men up for a short brief.

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Very good!

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At the double! Line up for your short briefs.

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Look lively!

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Fall in.

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Listen carefully, everybody.

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Right! Do as the officer says!

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All listen carefully!

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The men are now listening carefully, sir.

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Thank you, Jones.

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I am the important secret agent. I've just been dropped by parachute.

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Now, we've got to be on our guard against GHQ counter-agents.

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We don't know what they look like, so we'll ignore everybody we don't know personally.

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Is that clear? Right, get ready to move off.

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-Left, right, left.

->

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Look at those poor nuns. Their car's broken down.

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Rubbish! They are obviously counter-agents disguised as nuns.

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You'd think they would be more original.

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Ignore those nuns, men!

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But Captain, they've got women's faces!

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I don't care what faces they've got. Keep going.

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I say! Our car's broken down.

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Could you gentlemen help us please?

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-Take no notice.

-Oh, please help us.

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That's awfully rude, sir.

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Look to your front, Wilson.

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Please!

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You know, Sister Mary,

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since this Nazi parachute scare, life is becoming quite unbearable.

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Hello! There's another of them.

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-Another what?

-Another counter-agent!

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I bet a pound to a penny, there's a wireless receiver in that pram.

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-Oh, really, sir!

-I'm not taking any chances.

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-Jones!

-Sir.

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When I give the word, surround that pram.

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When he gives the order, surround the pram!

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Do you want fixed bayonets, sir?

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I don't think that's necessary.

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NOW!

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All right, lady, stand back!

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-Search the pram, Wilson.

-All right, sir.

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Is there a wireless set in there?

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If there is, the battery is leaking.

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BABY CRIES

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PLANE CHUGS OVERHEAD

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We've got to cross into those woods without that plane spotting us.

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He's coming!

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Get down!

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How do we know if the plane spots us, sir?

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If he sees us, he'll drop bombs of yellow dye.

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All clear. Right, come on!

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MOTOR BECOMES LOUDER

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He's coming again. Down everybody! Freeze!

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Well done, men. Forward!

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They haven't been spotted so far, Mr Hodges.

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He soon will be! Quick, spread that sheet out!

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Hurry up!

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MOTOR CHUGS OVERHEAD

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Turn it round!

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They're over there! Over there!

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There! Over there!

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He can't miss! He can't miss!

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I say! Wait!

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There's a man calling to you, sir.

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Perhaps he's a counterfeit agent.

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-You're right. Take no notice, men.

-Won't he draw the plane's attention?

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Blessed nuisance! Down everybody. Freeze.

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I must speak to you.

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Well, pretend you're not talking to us.

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Look! He's got officer's clothes on under that white coat.

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Aye. It looks very suspicious to me.

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I think he is a counterfeit agent.

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-Are you listening?

-Yes, get on with it. And don't look at us.

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I work for an experimental laboratory run by the War Office.

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We train animals for... secret war work.

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A likely story (!)

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What sort of animals? Monkeys, I suppose.

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Yes, that's right.

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One's escaped. Not really a monkey, more of...

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..an ape, a gorilla. Watch out for it. It's dangerous.

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-There's a loose gorilla about! Don't panic!

-All right!

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Oh! Oh!

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Sheer rubbish!

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-They might be training him to fight Germans.

-Don't talk piffle, boy.

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If there's a gorilla, I'll eat my hat!

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Forward!

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Right. Fall out for a smoke.

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Start taking your camouflage off.

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I'm fed up with Mainwaring making a monkey out of me!

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Nobody's trying to make a monkey out of you. Shut up!

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Grunt, grunt.

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Ooooh!

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What's the matter?

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Aargh!

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Keep it up, men. You're doing very well.

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Captain!

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I can hear voices.

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Halt!

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FAINT SHOUTING

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There they are. Ghostly voices!

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Stop rolling your eyes, Frazer.

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He's right. I can hear them too. Listen!

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FAINT CRIES FOR HELP

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Someone is in trouble.

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It could be them counterfeit agents diverting us from our purpose.

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It may be a trap. Stay here. I'll see what it is.

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Very well. Take Jones's section.

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At the double! Around the Captain! A ring of steel! Form!

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All right, all right! What are you doing?!

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Making sure they can't get you while we're gone.

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Help!

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Oooh!

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Help! Help!

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Help! Help! Help!

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Look, Uncle Arthur. It's only Mr Hodges and the verger.

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-How dare you divert us from our purpose!

-Come on, let's get back.

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< Please don't leave us!

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Don't leave us! There was a monster!

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All 'orrible and 'airy.

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DOOR CREAKS

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OWL HOOTS

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BABBLE OF VOICES

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Here we are!

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Come along!

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Here we are, now. This is it.

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-You should be warm and cosy here for the night.

-Thank you very much.

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-It was a delicious supper.

-I haven't tasted bacon like that for years.

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Yes, that was a real meal!

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But we ought to offer some payment for it.

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Well...

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Goodbye and bless you!

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Good night all. Sleep tight.

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Hello, hello!

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-Two more gentlemen to join you.

-What?

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What do you want, Hodges?

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-We're fed up with you following us.

-Go home!

-With that hairy monster about?

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They're up to no good!

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-What's the matter with them? I've never seen Hodges grovelling like that before.

-Quite disgusting!

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-Let's settle down.

-Yes, let's.

-Uncle Arthur. >

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Mum wouldn't like us sleeping here. There might be creepy-crawlies.

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Don't be silly. A little spider won't do you any harm.

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-Frankly, I think it's rather cosy here.

-Yeah.

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It's not bad at all. It's not like straw.

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It's all soft and cosy, isn't it?

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Straw gives off a sort of animal heat, you see.

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-All right, Mr Godfrey?

-Yes, thank you.

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It's quite comfortable, isn't it?

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Real cosy, man. Just like a feather bed.

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You don't believe that story about the escaped gorilla, do you?

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No truth in it at all, Mr Godfrey.

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Thank you. You've been a great comfort.

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That's all right, Mr Godfrey. I'm just a plain talker. Now you have a nice little rest.

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-Uncle Arthur.

-Mm.

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What is it, Frank?

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Tell me a story.

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Don't be silly, Frank. You're too old for that sort of thing.

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-You used to. Why have you changed?

-Well, you're grown up now.

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Mum says you tell her stories.

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And they're always the same one!

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Look, Frank. Just go to sleep, please?

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-What does that boy want, Wilson.

-He wants me to tell him a story.

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I can't help feeling he is slightly retarded.

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It's his mother. She spoils him to death.

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Yes, she's been a widow for too long.

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What that boy needs is the firm hand of a father.

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I agree. I wish I could find somebody.

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Captain Mainwaring.

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Did you ever hear the story of the auld empty barn?

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No.

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Would you LIKE to hear the story of the auld empty barn?

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Er, yes, yes.

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Yes, it might put us in a good mood before we go to sleep.

0:19:570:20:01

Pay attention, everybody.

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Private Frazer will tell us the story of the old empty barn. Carry on, Frazer.

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Right... Well...

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The story of the auld...

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..empty barn.

0:20:160:20:18

Well...

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..there was nothing in it.

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FRAZER LAUGHS

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Did you hear what I said? There was nothing in it!

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For God's sake! Good night!

0:20:410:20:44

You know, Wilson...

0:20:500:20:53

..over the years that I've come to know the members of this platoon,

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I've grown quite fond of them.

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But I can't help feeling sometimes,

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that I'm in charge of a bunch of idiots!

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Mainwaring's platoon seem to be doing well.

0:21:060:21:10

I've got a scheme to upset them, but we haven't had much luck so far.

0:21:100:21:15

Don't you underrate Mainwaring.

0:21:150:21:18

He's got guts and he's tenacious. Where are they now?

0:21:180:21:22

They're sleeping in a barn...here.

0:21:220:21:25

Lieutenant Wood is keeping an eye on them.

0:21:250:21:28

Argh!

0:21:540:21:57

He's here, sir. Get him in, then.

0:21:580:22:02

Come in, old boy.

0:22:020:22:04

Take off that ridiculous mask!

0:22:080:22:12

Of all the hare-brained schemes, this takes the biscuit!

0:22:120:22:16

It seems to be working! And we've got the morning.

0:22:160:22:20

Who is the important secret agent? It's Captain Mainwaring.

0:22:200:22:26

You've got till eleven hundred hours to separate him from his men and capture him.

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I'll capture him, if it's the last thing I do!

0:22:320:22:36

What time is it, Wilson?

0:22:370:22:40

-The time!

-Oh, er...half past eight, sir.

0:22:400:22:43

Now, you have to deliver me,

0:22:430:22:46

the important secret agent,

0:22:460:22:48

to GHQ by eleven hundred hours.

0:22:480:22:51

-The map, Frazer.

-I've worked out the route.

0:22:510:22:54

We follow this road through the wood, pick up this road, follow it across the bridge,

0:22:540:23:01

keep right on and that'll bring us to GHQ, sir.

0:23:010:23:05

But that's miles out of our way!

0:23:050:23:08

No, no, no.

0:23:080:23:10

-We want a direct route across country.

-We might get lost.

0:23:100:23:15

-I shall use a compass.

-Mm, do you think that's wise?

0:23:150:23:19

I AM capable of using a compass!

0:23:190:23:22

I take a bearing...thus.

0:23:230:23:27

We follow a nine four degrees bearing

0:23:270:23:30

and it will bring us direct to GHQ.

0:23:300:23:33

FRAZER: The sun's there! As plain as the nose on your face.

0:23:420:23:46

I may have been a few degrees out.

0:23:460:23:49

One hundred and eighty! We're back where we started!

0:23:490:23:53

-But what are we going to do? We've only got half an hour to deliver you to GHQ.

-All right, Jones.

0:23:530:24:00

Be quiet! Be quiet!

0:24:000:24:03

-GHQ is only five miles by direct road.

-But you won't make it in half an hour.

0:24:050:24:11

-We'll go in the van.

-But you're not allowed to use our transport.

-Ah!

0:24:110:24:16

-That motorbike's not ours.

-But...

-Wilson, please do not split hairs.

0:24:170:24:22

I'M the important secret agent.

0:24:220:24:25

There's nothing to say I can't use my own initiative.

0:24:250:24:29

-The others will follow in the van. Jones, get the men aboard.

-Embark! Embark!

0:24:290:24:35

Wilson, you drive the van. Jones, come with me on the bike.

0:24:350:24:40

-Where do you think you're going on my motorbike?!

-I'm commandeering it.

0:24:510:24:57

-What's this?

-A hypodermic syringe.

0:24:570:25:00

-What on earth for?

-To inject the gorilla.

0:25:000:25:03

-It'll put it to sleep.

-Are you mad?!

0:25:030:25:06

He's from the RSPCA. I phoned him about the gorilla.

0:25:060:25:10

When you've put it to sleep, just send for us.

0:25:100:25:14

-He's a counterfeit agent.

-I've never heard such rubbish!

0:25:140:25:19

If there WAS a gorilla, how would we get close enough to inject it?

0:25:190:25:24

That's your problem. I'm a busy man. Good luck!

0:25:240:25:29

Ready, sir.

0:25:290:25:30

-We'll go on ahead. You follow.

-All right, sir.

0:25:300:25:35

Hodges, you can follow in the van.

0:25:350:25:38

Now look here, Napoleon!

0:25:380:25:41

You're obviously trying to ruin my chances of finishing this exercise.

0:25:410:25:46

And as for the story about a gorilla...!

0:25:460:25:49

Look, they're trying something else now.

0:25:520:25:55

-Where did you say GHQ was, Frazer?

-Just up the road here.

0:26:040:26:09

Uncle Arthur, Mr Mainwaring's just gone past with a monkey on his back.

0:26:190:26:24

You! Come on! Move over!

0:26:260:26:28

Get the hypodermic and stick it in him.

0:26:310:26:34

Stick the syringe in the monkey. Right, sir.

0:26:340:26:39

Aargh!

0:26:450:26:48

Don't panic! Don't panic, sir!

0:27:020:27:05

Get back! Back!

0:27:170:27:19

Keep your paws up!

0:27:250:27:29

Now then! Now then!

0:27:290:27:31

-It WAS a gorilla!

-I was right.

0:27:310:27:34

They're training it to fight Germans.

0:27:340:27:37

I cannae believe it! What a story for the paper!

0:27:370:27:42

Don't get too close! It looks fierce.

0:27:420:27:45

Perhaps I ought to shoot it. No, d-don't shoot!

0:27:450:27:49

That's odd! If gorillas come from Africa, why is he speaking English?

0:27:490:27:54

I AM English!

0:27:540:27:56

-Who are you then?

-Lieutenant Wood! And it didn't work!

0:27:570:28:02

Thanks, ladies.

0:28:020:28:05

Don't mention it. It's a change to meet someone who believes we're nuns.

0:28:050:28:09

Congratulations, chaps. You completed the exercise.

0:28:090:28:14

ALL: Hooray!

0:28:140:28:16

-I just need a report from your secret agent. Where is he?

-Over there.

0:28:160:28:22

# Tiptoe

0:28:220:28:24

# Through the tulips

0:28:260:28:28

# In the shadows...

0:28:300:28:32

# ..of your dreams. #

0:28:320:28:36

Subtitles by Helen Rankin, 1993

0:29:050:29:08

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