The Godiva Affair Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

Right, men. This is top secret. Put the blackouts up.

Woods, Meadows,

stand guard outside the main door there and don't let anybody in.

I don't care who it is, right?

-All clear out there, Hancock?

-All clear, sir.

-Good.

Right, Jones. All clear.

Right, sir. Come on, lads.

BELLS JANGLE

Excellent, men. Very good turnout.

Sir, aren't you going to wear your attire?

No, not for just now. I shall just wear the hat.

Now, the reason I have taken

all these pains to keep this matter a secret

is because nobody must see this dance until it is perfect.

Otherwise, we might look like a bunch of idiots.

Captain Mainwaring, I want a word wi' ye.

I've got to tell you, sir, that as a Scot,

I feel a right Jessie dressed up in this pansy Sassenach get-up!

It's frightfully difficult getting about like this.

It really is most awkward.

-You'll soon get used to it.

-Will I?

Mr Wilson isn't as other men. His legs point in the wrong direction.

What's the matter with them?

-Do try and sort yourself out.

-Well, I haven't done it before.

-Thank you so much.

-There you are.

-Now, as you can see...

-Sorry, sir.

As you know, we're only £2,000 off our target...

which is to buy a Spitfire.

And during this week, during the coming week,

the people of Walmington will be doing their utmost to raise this.

The climax is the procession on Saturday, when we'll do our dance.

Sergeant Wilson will collect money.

I don't like the idea of asking strangers for money.

It's perfectly simple. Gallop the horse. Make it look lifelike.

That's right. And you make jocular remarks.

I see.

What sort of jocular remarks?

Try...um..."Har, har, har. Give till it hurts, har, har, har." Try that.

-IN A FLAT VOICE:

-Ha, ha, ha. Give till it hurts.

If we want to collect £2,000, he'll have to be more jocular than that!

He could say, "We need Spitfires to beat the Hun -

"put money in my mouth and it goes to my tum."

Rubbish! All he's got to do is wave his stick and say,

"Give us your money or I'll bash your head in!"

All right, now let's form up.

Private Sponge, give the instruction book to Sergeant Wilson.

Now, where did we get to last time?

I was having trouble whiffling, sir.

Ah, whiffling. It's important that you understand this.

Read that bit out, Wilson.

Just a minute, sir. Here we are. Whiffling.

"The movement of the whiffling stick is to frighten away evil spirits."

-Away from what, Mr Mainwaring?

-This is a fertility dance, Pike.

I don't think my sister Dolly would approve.

Ah, you silly old duffer.

It's to encourage the crops to grow.

It's danced every year by the young, fertile men of the village.

It's not much good us doing it!

You speak for yourself!

All right, that'll do.

Permission to speak, sir.

-I do not wish to stand opposite Frazer when he's whiffling.

-Why not?

I've faced Whirling Dervishes and I've faced charging Fuzzy Wuzzies,

but I don't want to face him. He's got a mad look in his eye.

Mad? Mad!

My eyes are perfectly sane!

Captain Mainwaring, would you say I had mad eyes?

Well...no...not really mad.

There!

Just before we start, we'd better check that the bells are all right.

Right, left leg first.

Right leg.

Is that the best you can do?

A touch of rheumatism, I'm afraid.

-So sorry, sir. I beg your pardon.

-DO try and control that animal!

He's not used to this type of work.

Right. From the top. Private Day.

-CONCERTINA PLAYS

-One, two, three, four, five, six...

Back!

Forward!

Round!

Turn!

Whiffling!

-Beansprout!

-WHOOH!

WHOOH!

WHOOH!

WHOOH!

Watch what you're doing!

APPLAUSE

That was very good indeed.

Right, take a break and change into your uniforms.

JONES MOUTHS SILENTLY

Jones. Jones. Jones!

What's all this nonsense about Frazer hitting you with his stick?

That's not like you.

I know it isn't. I can't hide it, I'm in a highly nervous state.

-Have you got trouble at home?

-No, it's trouble away from home.

-You'd better come in the office.

-Thank you, sir.

-Could Mr Wilson come too, sir?

-Why?

-He's a man of the world.

-Very well.

-Wilson?

-Yes, sir?

-Office.

Do you want me to walk or gallop?

Just come in the office, will you!

That's very kind of you.

Now, Jones...

Get this thing off my desk!

I'm terribly sorry, sir. It sort of sticks out.

Jones?

-It's rather delicate. It's Mrs Fox.

-Mrs Fox?

Yes. She's a widow lady, and we have an arrangement.

We've been walking out.

Walking where?

Well, all over the place.

I go round to her place with a couple of chops,

she cooks, and we eat them together.

There's nothing between Mrs Fox and me. It's purely Teutonic.

I go round on a Saturday night, we listen to In Town Tonight,

and when the announcer says, "Carry on, London," I go home.

I don't see what this has got to do with me.

-Recently, you see, her affection has been taken by another.

-Who?

Mr Gordon, the Town Clerk.

What? Not that silly, bald-headed old duffer?

I don't mean he's a bald-headed old duffer

just because he's got a bald head!

He'd be a silly duffer WITH hair.

-A full head of hair...

-Yes, all right, all right.

-Everybody knows he's a roue and a philanthropist!

-What can I do?

I want you to speak to her, sir.

I couldn't possibly do that.

Yes, you must. You must. Here's her telephone number.

-Don't go spreading it around, mind.

-But I...

You must, otherwise I shall be a broken man,

and what good is a broken Lance Corporal?

-Oh, dear. What are you going to do?

-I don't know.

I suppose I could ring her up.

Perhaps I ought to point out to her what sort of a chap this Clerk is.

I'll give her a ring later and arrange to see her.

Godfrey? Is that you, son?

Yes, I was just having my hot milk.

It has happened. I knew it would one day.

What?

It's Mainwaring. He's succumbed to the lure of the flesh.

Did you hear what I said? The flesh. The flesh!

I wish you wouldn't keep repeating that word. My sister Dolly may hear.

Besides, I don't believe a word.

I tell you, I heard it with my own ears.

I happened to be passing the office and I heard him speaking to a woman.

Who?

Mrs Fox, that fine big widow woman!

But Mr Mainwaring is a pillar of respectability.

Men like him are the worst!

Looking down their noses at other folk,

and all the time deep inside, lust, lust, sheer naked lust!

I tell you, the fires of hell

are lying in wait for him! He's doomed, DOOMED!

It's nonsense.

Nonsense?!

Listen, I heard him arrange to meet this woman at the Marigold Tea Rooms

tomorrow morning at 10:30.

Why don't you go and see yourself?

I will, to prove that you're wrong!

Right, I'll meet you there.

And don't forget it's your turn to pay for the coffee.

Hello, hello? Pikey, I must speak to you, boy. It's very important.

I want to know what time Captain Mainwaring has his morning coffee.

10:30 every morning at the Marigold Tea Rooms. Why?

My information is that he's meeting a certain lady there.

Mr Mainwaring doesn't know "certain ladies". He's married.

Well, she's not so much a lady as kind of a...big...

..oooh...ah ha...

I write this gossip column for the Eastbourne Gazette

called Whispers from Walmington.

I can see the headlines now.

A local bank manager's name linked with a certain widow.

No, you must have it all wrong.

My information is that he's besotted with her, boy, besotted!

What, like in that film "Rain?"

There was this clergyman, you see,

and he was besotted with a girl named Sadie Thompson.

Being a clergyman, he wasn't allowed to be besotted.

In the end, he walked into the sea.

You don't think that Mr Mainwaring will walk into the sea?

He'll have a long walk, the tide's out tomorrow morning.

Captain Mainwaring is a perfectly respectable married man.

You know your trouble, Godfrey?

You live in a dream world of your own. I tell you...

I'd hoped the place would be empty.

Don't worry, sir. Nobody will know why you're meeting Mrs Fox.

It doesn't do for a man in my position to be seen in public

with a flashy woman like Mrs Fox.

In a small town like this, tongues wag, tongues wag.

Nobody will pay any attention.

Now, where shall we sit?

-I'm going to sit over here.

-I see.

You go and sit on your own.

-Psst. Mr Mainwaring.

-Good morning.

-Jones?

-Don't give me away, sir.

-Why are you dressed like that?

-I'm heavily disguised.

Yoo-hoo! Mr Mainwaring!

Morning, Mr Frazer, Mr Godfrey.

Hello, Mr Wilson.

-I'm ever so sorry I'm late.

-Please...

-I'm not usually late when I meet a gentleman friend, but...

-Sit down.

-Please sit down!

-Thank you.

See that, Godfrey. The way he manhandled her!

Well, this is cosy.

-Good morning.

-Two coffees, please.

No coffee with Mr Wilson today?

No. I'm...I'm having this lady with my coffee... I mean...er...

I see(!)

The reason I asked you to meet me

is to...

-What do you want, Pike?

-Excuse me, but Mrs Mainwaring's on the phone.

Oh. Right. Tell her I'll ring back later, will you?

Ring back later, right.

What is it now?

-Good morning, Mrs Fox.

-Hello, dear.

-It's nice to see you.

Get out, Pike.

Bye-bye, dear.

Mrs Fox, the reason I asked you to meet me here

was to discuss a rather delicate matter.

-Yes?

-I find these affairs of the emotions very embarrassing.

You don't need to be shy with me.

The point is, Mrs Fox, you're a very attractive woman.

-And I...

-Two coffees.

What was I saying?

You were saying how attractive I was.

Oh, yes...which indeed you are. Particularly to older men.

You're very attractive, too.

-That's got nothing to do with it.

-But you are. You ARE.

Yes, well, we won't argue about it.

The point is, Mrs Fox,

you have had Mr Jones as an admirer for some time now,

and now you have another.

Mr Mainwaring!

Oh!

See! See there, Godfrey.

For goodness' sake, they're playing handy-pandy!

I think we'd better go.

No, man.

Being a public figure, I expect this admirer is of great attraction.

Oh, he is. He IS.

Yes.

Whereas Jones is just a simple butcher.

But he's a fine figure of a man,

Mrs Fox, a full head of fine, distinguished grey hair.

While your new admirer, not to put too fine a point on it, is bald.

Mr Mainwaring, you know what they say about bald-headed men?

No, what do they say?

-Well...

-The thing is, Mrs Fox,

Jones is a loyal member of my platoon, and I don't want him hurt.

-We won't hurt him, Mr Mainwaring.

-WE?

He can have Mondays and Saturdays

and you can have Tuesdays and Fridays.

I'm talking about Mr Gordon, the Town Clerk!

He can have Wednesdays.

-What do you want now, Pike?

-Sorry, but Mrs Mainwaring's on the phone.

I said you were having coffee with Mrs Fox, but she still wants you.

You stupid boy.

I tell you, I've never been so shocked in my life.

That woman, that frightful woman, really thought I had amorous ideas.

How awfully embarrassing for you.

And when my wife rang up,

that stupid boy Pike told her I was having coffee with Mrs Fox.

All hell broke loose.

Elizabeth wouldn't listen. Look what she did to my tie.

She rang the bank twelve times today.

-If she rings tonight, tell her I'm not here.

-All right.

-Good evening.

-Evening, Jonesy.

Thank you for talking to Mrs Fox.

-I'm sure it had an effect.

-It certainly had.

Captain Mainwaring, we can't get into the hall,

the door's locked.

Mr Hodges told us to go away.

Right, you can come out now. Line up.

That's it. There we are. Very nice.

That's it. There we are then.

What do you think, Mr Town Clerk?

Oh, they're very nice, they are.

We've got to choose one of you

to play Lady Godiva in the procession.

-Can we see the first one?

-Certainly. On the horse, dear.

Jones, I want you to show the men

how to strip down the Lewis gun in two minutes. I shall time you.

-Uncle Arthur.

-What is it?

-The hall is full of naked ladies.

Don't be silly, Frank. Pay attention to the lecture.

-It is! Come and have a look yourself.

-Good Lord. What next?

Good heavens!

Shall we tell Mr Mainwaring? PHONE RINGS

-Answer the phone, Wilson.

-Yes, of course.

-Hurry, you've only got 30 seconds.

-Hello, yes. Just hold on a minute.

It's Mrs Mainwaring, sir.

I'm out.

-I'm sorry, I'm afraid he's gone out.

-Yoo-hoo! Mr Mainwaring, I'm here!

How dare you burst in on one of my lectures.

I'm sorry. I was just on my way to the hall.

Excuse me, boys.

Mr Gordon! Let me in.

It's only little me.

Good evening, my dear, come in.

Mr Mainwaring, stop him, stop him! What's he doing in there?

-Mr Mainwaring...?

-I don't know, Jones, but I intend to find out.

-What's the meaning of this?

-Buzz off, Napoleon.

I'm appalled, Vicar.

Wilson. Wilson! Don't stare at the girls.

-Get them covered.

-What with?

Come away.

All this fuss over a few silly girls!

If the vicar wants girls, that's his affair.

Mr Gordon, shall I go and change into my swimming costume now?

I don't think I could stand the shock!

Of course.

He's doing it again. Stop him!

All right, Jones. Be quiet. I demand an explanation.

Keep your hair on! We're choosing a Lady Godiva for the procession.

-Lady Godiva?

-Yeah, and it's better than your silly Morris dancing!

Our dancing is not silly!

Is one of these girls going to ride naked through Walmington?

Yes, it's a tribute to the brave city of Coventry.

The girl won't be bare, of course, she'll wear fleshings.

Fleshings?

It's quite all right, sir. They're all-over body tights.

We're not living in Victorian times!

Mr Gordon, might I have a word?

Certainly, my dear.

He's doing it again. Stop him!

All right! Look here, Mr Gordon...

Just a moment, Mainwaring. I think we have the solution.

You don't want a young girl to be Lady Godiva.

It's just been pointed out to me

that Lady Godiva Leofric was a woman of more mature years.

So in the course of historical accuracy,

I suggest that Lady Godiva should be Mrs Fox.

Quiet, please! Quiet!

Mrs Fox will be quite respectable,

covered from top to toe

in fleshings, and wearing a wig of long, golden tresses.

You'll never cover her up with long, golden tresses...

..you'd need a bell tent!

Yes, Elizabeth.

No, Elizabeth.

I had nothing to do with the choice of Mrs Fox as Lady Godiva.

No, dear. Yes, dear.

It was the Town Clerk who decided

she should be played by someone more mature...

Somebody of rather more ample proportions.

Yes, I know that you have more ample proportions than Mrs Fox...

but you're not Lady Godiva, are you?

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Just chatting to the little woman.

-I see. What little woman?

-My wife!

I've lost her! Since the Town Clerk asked Mrs Fox to be Lady Godiva

her head's been turned right round!

I'm sorry.

This is what comes of women interfering in men's affairs.

The platoon's been knocked sideways.

Mum, we're about to go on parade!

Go away, Frank. Evening, Captain Mainwaring.

What's this about Mrs Fox playing Lady Godiva?

-It's nothing to do with me.

-You were there!

What? Yes...I was. I was standing around.

-A woman like Mrs Fox?

-Yes.

-I'm much slimmer than she is.

-I mean what's wrong with my figure?

-What? Er...nothing, nothing at all.

You don't want to play Lady Godiva.

-I'd like to have been asked!

-Consider the effect on your son.

His mother, riding through the streets, clad only in...

Fleshings!

Now...

are we ready, men?

When the...

When the procession has gone past,

Jones will open the door,

we will burst out on to the street and start our dance.

-Mr Mainwaring, the procession's coming now.

-Good, good. Stand by.

-Put that horse away!

-It's frightfully heavy.

-Come along.

-Rest it on here.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

There's someone at the door. Don't they know we're closed? I'm coming!

Wilson, I want you to collect as much money as you possibly can.

Mr Jones! Mr Jones!

Mrs Fox, what's the matter?

-It was terrible.

-Don't upset yourself,

you're with your little Jack now. What happened?

-What happened?

-Well, I went to one of the rooms

in the Town Hall to change,

I put my wig and fleshings on a chair

and went out of the room for a minute,

and when I came back they were gone. Gone!

GONE!

What a pity. We're not going to see Lady Godiva after all.

It's up to us now, men.

There IS a Lady Godiva.

-Good Lord, it's not Mavis, is it?

-I wish you'd control that woman.

Don't look, don't look, sir. Whatever you do, don't look!

It IS Mrs Mainwaring!

Oh, Mr Mainwaring, speak to me!

Come round, come round! Poor man, he'll never get over the shock!

No...and neither will the horse!