The Godiva Affair Dad's Army


The Godiva Affair

Classic wartime sitcom. Captain Mainwaring's platoon decide to perform a Morris dance to raise funds for the Walmington-on-Sea Spitfire Fund.


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Transcript


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Right, men. This is top secret. Put the blackouts up.

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Woods, Meadows,

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stand guard outside the main door there and don't let anybody in.

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I don't care who it is, right?

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-All clear out there, Hancock?

-All clear, sir.

-Good.

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Right, Jones. All clear.

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Right, sir. Come on, lads.

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BELLS JANGLE

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Excellent, men. Very good turnout.

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Sir, aren't you going to wear your attire?

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No, not for just now. I shall just wear the hat.

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Now, the reason I have taken

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all these pains to keep this matter a secret

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is because nobody must see this dance until it is perfect.

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Otherwise, we might look like a bunch of idiots.

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Captain Mainwaring, I want a word wi' ye.

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I've got to tell you, sir, that as a Scot,

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I feel a right Jessie dressed up in this pansy Sassenach get-up!

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It's frightfully difficult getting about like this.

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It really is most awkward.

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-You'll soon get used to it.

-Will I?

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Mr Wilson isn't as other men. His legs point in the wrong direction.

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What's the matter with them?

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-Do try and sort yourself out.

-Well, I haven't done it before.

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-Thank you so much.

-There you are.

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-Now, as you can see...

-Sorry, sir.

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As you know, we're only £2,000 off our target...

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which is to buy a Spitfire.

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And during this week, during the coming week,

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the people of Walmington will be doing their utmost to raise this.

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The climax is the procession on Saturday, when we'll do our dance.

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Sergeant Wilson will collect money.

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I don't like the idea of asking strangers for money.

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It's perfectly simple. Gallop the horse. Make it look lifelike.

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That's right. And you make jocular remarks.

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I see.

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What sort of jocular remarks?

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Try...um..."Har, har, har. Give till it hurts, har, har, har." Try that.

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-IN A FLAT VOICE:

-Ha, ha, ha. Give till it hurts.

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If we want to collect £2,000, he'll have to be more jocular than that!

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He could say, "We need Spitfires to beat the Hun -

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"put money in my mouth and it goes to my tum."

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Rubbish! All he's got to do is wave his stick and say,

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"Give us your money or I'll bash your head in!"

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All right, now let's form up.

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Private Sponge, give the instruction book to Sergeant Wilson.

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Now, where did we get to last time?

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I was having trouble whiffling, sir.

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Ah, whiffling. It's important that you understand this.

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Read that bit out, Wilson.

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Just a minute, sir. Here we are. Whiffling.

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"The movement of the whiffling stick is to frighten away evil spirits."

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-Away from what, Mr Mainwaring?

-This is a fertility dance, Pike.

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I don't think my sister Dolly would approve.

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Ah, you silly old duffer.

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It's to encourage the crops to grow.

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It's danced every year by the young, fertile men of the village.

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It's not much good us doing it!

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You speak for yourself!

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All right, that'll do.

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Permission to speak, sir.

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-I do not wish to stand opposite Frazer when he's whiffling.

-Why not?

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I've faced Whirling Dervishes and I've faced charging Fuzzy Wuzzies,

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but I don't want to face him. He's got a mad look in his eye.

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Mad? Mad!

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My eyes are perfectly sane!

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Captain Mainwaring, would you say I had mad eyes?

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Well...no...not really mad.

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There!

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Just before we start, we'd better check that the bells are all right.

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Right, left leg first.

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Right leg.

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Is that the best you can do?

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A touch of rheumatism, I'm afraid.

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-So sorry, sir. I beg your pardon.

-DO try and control that animal!

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He's not used to this type of work.

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Right. From the top. Private Day.

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-CONCERTINA PLAYS

-One, two, three, four, five, six...

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Back!

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Forward!

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Round!

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Turn!

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Whiffling!

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-Beansprout!

-WHOOH!

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WHOOH!

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WHOOH!

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WHOOH!

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Watch what you're doing!

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APPLAUSE

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That was very good indeed.

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Right, take a break and change into your uniforms.

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JONES MOUTHS SILENTLY

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Jones. Jones. Jones!

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What's all this nonsense about Frazer hitting you with his stick?

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That's not like you.

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I know it isn't. I can't hide it, I'm in a highly nervous state.

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-Have you got trouble at home?

-No, it's trouble away from home.

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-You'd better come in the office.

-Thank you, sir.

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-Could Mr Wilson come too, sir?

-Why?

-He's a man of the world.

-Very well.

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-Wilson?

-Yes, sir?

-Office.

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Do you want me to walk or gallop?

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Just come in the office, will you!

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That's very kind of you.

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Now, Jones...

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Get this thing off my desk!

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I'm terribly sorry, sir. It sort of sticks out.

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Jones?

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-It's rather delicate. It's Mrs Fox.

-Mrs Fox?

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Yes. She's a widow lady, and we have an arrangement.

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We've been walking out.

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Walking where?

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Well, all over the place.

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I go round to her place with a couple of chops,

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she cooks, and we eat them together.

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There's nothing between Mrs Fox and me. It's purely Teutonic.

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I go round on a Saturday night, we listen to In Town Tonight,

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and when the announcer says, "Carry on, London," I go home.

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I don't see what this has got to do with me.

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-Recently, you see, her affection has been taken by another.

-Who?

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Mr Gordon, the Town Clerk.

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What? Not that silly, bald-headed old duffer?

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I don't mean he's a bald-headed old duffer

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just because he's got a bald head!

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He'd be a silly duffer WITH hair.

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-A full head of hair...

-Yes, all right, all right.

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-Everybody knows he's a roue and a philanthropist!

-What can I do?

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I want you to speak to her, sir.

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I couldn't possibly do that.

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Yes, you must. You must. Here's her telephone number.

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-Don't go spreading it around, mind.

-But I...

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You must, otherwise I shall be a broken man,

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and what good is a broken Lance Corporal?

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-Oh, dear. What are you going to do?

-I don't know.

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I suppose I could ring her up.

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Perhaps I ought to point out to her what sort of a chap this Clerk is.

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I'll give her a ring later and arrange to see her.

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Godfrey? Is that you, son?

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Yes, I was just having my hot milk.

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It has happened. I knew it would one day.

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What?

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It's Mainwaring. He's succumbed to the lure of the flesh.

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Did you hear what I said? The flesh. The flesh!

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I wish you wouldn't keep repeating that word. My sister Dolly may hear.

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Besides, I don't believe a word.

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I tell you, I heard it with my own ears.

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I happened to be passing the office and I heard him speaking to a woman.

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Who?

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Mrs Fox, that fine big widow woman!

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But Mr Mainwaring is a pillar of respectability.

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Men like him are the worst!

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Looking down their noses at other folk,

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and all the time deep inside, lust, lust, sheer naked lust!

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I tell you, the fires of hell

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are lying in wait for him! He's doomed, DOOMED!

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It's nonsense.

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Nonsense?!

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Listen, I heard him arrange to meet this woman at the Marigold Tea Rooms

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tomorrow morning at 10:30.

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Why don't you go and see yourself?

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I will, to prove that you're wrong!

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Right, I'll meet you there.

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And don't forget it's your turn to pay for the coffee.

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Hello, hello? Pikey, I must speak to you, boy. It's very important.

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I want to know what time Captain Mainwaring has his morning coffee.

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10:30 every morning at the Marigold Tea Rooms. Why?

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My information is that he's meeting a certain lady there.

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Mr Mainwaring doesn't know "certain ladies". He's married.

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Well, she's not so much a lady as kind of a...big...

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..oooh...ah ha...

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I write this gossip column for the Eastbourne Gazette

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called Whispers from Walmington.

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I can see the headlines now.

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A local bank manager's name linked with a certain widow.

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No, you must have it all wrong.

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My information is that he's besotted with her, boy, besotted!

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What, like in that film "Rain?"

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There was this clergyman, you see,

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and he was besotted with a girl named Sadie Thompson.

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Being a clergyman, he wasn't allowed to be besotted.

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In the end, he walked into the sea.

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You don't think that Mr Mainwaring will walk into the sea?

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He'll have a long walk, the tide's out tomorrow morning.

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Captain Mainwaring is a perfectly respectable married man.

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You know your trouble, Godfrey?

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You live in a dream world of your own. I tell you...

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I'd hoped the place would be empty.

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Don't worry, sir. Nobody will know why you're meeting Mrs Fox.

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It doesn't do for a man in my position to be seen in public

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with a flashy woman like Mrs Fox.

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In a small town like this, tongues wag, tongues wag.

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Nobody will pay any attention.

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Now, where shall we sit?

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-I'm going to sit over here.

-I see.

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You go and sit on your own.

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-Psst. Mr Mainwaring.

-Good morning.

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-Jones?

-Don't give me away, sir.

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-Why are you dressed like that?

-I'm heavily disguised.

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Yoo-hoo! Mr Mainwaring!

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Morning, Mr Frazer, Mr Godfrey.

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Hello, Mr Wilson.

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-I'm ever so sorry I'm late.

-Please...

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-I'm not usually late when I meet a gentleman friend, but...

-Sit down.

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-Please sit down!

-Thank you.

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See that, Godfrey. The way he manhandled her!

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Well, this is cosy.

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-Good morning.

-Two coffees, please.

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No coffee with Mr Wilson today?

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No. I'm...I'm having this lady with my coffee... I mean...er...

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I see(!)

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The reason I asked you to meet me

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is to...

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-What do you want, Pike?

-Excuse me, but Mrs Mainwaring's on the phone.

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Oh. Right. Tell her I'll ring back later, will you?

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Ring back later, right.

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What is it now?

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-Good morning, Mrs Fox.

-Hello, dear.

-It's nice to see you.

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Get out, Pike.

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Bye-bye, dear.

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Mrs Fox, the reason I asked you to meet me here

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was to discuss a rather delicate matter.

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-Yes?

-I find these affairs of the emotions very embarrassing.

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You don't need to be shy with me.

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The point is, Mrs Fox, you're a very attractive woman.

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-And I...

-Two coffees.

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What was I saying?

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You were saying how attractive I was.

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Oh, yes...which indeed you are. Particularly to older men.

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You're very attractive, too.

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-That's got nothing to do with it.

-But you are. You ARE.

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Yes, well, we won't argue about it.

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The point is, Mrs Fox,

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you have had Mr Jones as an admirer for some time now,

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and now you have another.

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Mr Mainwaring!

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Oh!

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See! See there, Godfrey.

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For goodness' sake, they're playing handy-pandy!

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I think we'd better go.

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No, man.

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Being a public figure, I expect this admirer is of great attraction.

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Oh, he is. He IS.

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Yes.

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Whereas Jones is just a simple butcher.

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But he's a fine figure of a man,

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Mrs Fox, a full head of fine, distinguished grey hair.

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While your new admirer, not to put too fine a point on it, is bald.

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Mr Mainwaring, you know what they say about bald-headed men?

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No, what do they say?

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-Well...

-The thing is, Mrs Fox,

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Jones is a loyal member of my platoon, and I don't want him hurt.

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-We won't hurt him, Mr Mainwaring.

-WE?

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He can have Mondays and Saturdays

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and you can have Tuesdays and Fridays.

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I'm talking about Mr Gordon, the Town Clerk!

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He can have Wednesdays.

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-What do you want now, Pike?

-Sorry, but Mrs Mainwaring's on the phone.

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I said you were having coffee with Mrs Fox, but she still wants you.

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You stupid boy.

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I tell you, I've never been so shocked in my life.

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That woman, that frightful woman, really thought I had amorous ideas.

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How awfully embarrassing for you.

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And when my wife rang up,

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that stupid boy Pike told her I was having coffee with Mrs Fox.

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All hell broke loose.

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Elizabeth wouldn't listen. Look what she did to my tie.

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She rang the bank twelve times today.

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-If she rings tonight, tell her I'm not here.

-All right.

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-Good evening.

-Evening, Jonesy.

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Thank you for talking to Mrs Fox.

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-I'm sure it had an effect.

-It certainly had.

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Captain Mainwaring, we can't get into the hall,

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the door's locked.

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Mr Hodges told us to go away.

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Right, you can come out now. Line up.

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That's it. There we are. Very nice.

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That's it. There we are then.

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What do you think, Mr Town Clerk?

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Oh, they're very nice, they are.

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We've got to choose one of you

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to play Lady Godiva in the procession.

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-Can we see the first one?

-Certainly. On the horse, dear.

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Jones, I want you to show the men

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how to strip down the Lewis gun in two minutes. I shall time you.

0:21:050:21:11

-Uncle Arthur.

-What is it?

-The hall is full of naked ladies.

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Don't be silly, Frank. Pay attention to the lecture.

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-It is! Come and have a look yourself.

-Good Lord. What next?

0:21:240:21:27

Good heavens!

0:21:300:21:32

Shall we tell Mr Mainwaring? PHONE RINGS

0:21:320:21:36

-Answer the phone, Wilson.

-Yes, of course.

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-Hurry, you've only got 30 seconds.

-Hello, yes. Just hold on a minute.

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It's Mrs Mainwaring, sir.

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I'm out.

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-I'm sorry, I'm afraid he's gone out.

-Yoo-hoo! Mr Mainwaring, I'm here!

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How dare you burst in on one of my lectures.

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I'm sorry. I was just on my way to the hall.

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Excuse me, boys.

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Mr Gordon! Let me in.

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It's only little me.

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Good evening, my dear, come in.

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Mr Mainwaring, stop him, stop him! What's he doing in there?

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-Mr Mainwaring...?

-I don't know, Jones, but I intend to find out.

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-What's the meaning of this?

-Buzz off, Napoleon.

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I'm appalled, Vicar.

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Wilson. Wilson! Don't stare at the girls.

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-Get them covered.

-What with?

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Come away.

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All this fuss over a few silly girls!

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If the vicar wants girls, that's his affair.

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Mr Gordon, shall I go and change into my swimming costume now?

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I don't think I could stand the shock!

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Of course.

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He's doing it again. Stop him!

0:23:090:23:11

All right, Jones. Be quiet. I demand an explanation.

0:23:110:23:15

Keep your hair on! We're choosing a Lady Godiva for the procession.

0:23:150:23:20

-Lady Godiva?

-Yeah, and it's better than your silly Morris dancing!

0:23:200:23:26

Our dancing is not silly!

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Is one of these girls going to ride naked through Walmington?

0:23:290:23:34

Yes, it's a tribute to the brave city of Coventry.

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The girl won't be bare, of course, she'll wear fleshings.

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Fleshings?

0:23:440:23:46

It's quite all right, sir. They're all-over body tights.

0:23:460:23:51

We're not living in Victorian times!

0:23:510:23:54

Mr Gordon, might I have a word?

0:23:540:23:57

Certainly, my dear.

0:23:570:23:59

He's doing it again. Stop him!

0:23:590:24:02

All right! Look here, Mr Gordon...

0:24:020:24:05

Just a moment, Mainwaring. I think we have the solution.

0:24:050:24:09

You don't want a young girl to be Lady Godiva.

0:24:090:24:14

It's just been pointed out to me

0:24:140:24:17

that Lady Godiva Leofric was a woman of more mature years.

0:24:170:24:22

So in the course of historical accuracy,

0:24:220:24:24

I suggest that Lady Godiva should be Mrs Fox.

0:24:240:24:30

Quiet, please! Quiet!

0:24:320:24:34

Mrs Fox will be quite respectable,

0:24:340:24:37

covered from top to toe

0:24:370:24:40

in fleshings, and wearing a wig of long, golden tresses.

0:24:400:24:44

You'll never cover her up with long, golden tresses...

0:24:440:24:48

..you'd need a bell tent!

0:24:490:24:52

Yes, Elizabeth.

0:24:560:24:58

No, Elizabeth.

0:24:580:25:01

I had nothing to do with the choice of Mrs Fox as Lady Godiva.

0:25:010:25:08

No, dear. Yes, dear.

0:25:080:25:12

It was the Town Clerk who decided

0:25:130:25:15

she should be played by someone more mature...

0:25:150:25:18

Somebody of rather more ample proportions.

0:25:180:25:24

Yes, I know that you have more ample proportions than Mrs Fox...

0:25:260:25:30

but you're not Lady Godiva, are you?

0:25:300:25:34

Hello? Hello? Hello?

0:25:340:25:37

Just chatting to the little woman.

0:25:450:25:48

-I see. What little woman?

-My wife!

0:25:480:25:51

I've lost her! Since the Town Clerk asked Mrs Fox to be Lady Godiva

0:25:530:25:59

her head's been turned right round!

0:25:590:26:02

I'm sorry.

0:26:020:26:04

This is what comes of women interfering in men's affairs.

0:26:040:26:09

The platoon's been knocked sideways.

0:26:090:26:12

Mum, we're about to go on parade!

0:26:120:26:15

Go away, Frank. Evening, Captain Mainwaring.

0:26:150:26:19

What's this about Mrs Fox playing Lady Godiva?

0:26:190:26:23

-It's nothing to do with me.

-You were there!

0:26:230:26:26

What? Yes...I was. I was standing around.

0:26:260:26:30

-A woman like Mrs Fox?

-Yes.

-I'm much slimmer than she is.

0:26:300:26:35

-I mean what's wrong with my figure?

-What? Er...nothing, nothing at all.

0:26:350:26:39

You don't want to play Lady Godiva.

0:26:400:26:44

-I'd like to have been asked!

-Consider the effect on your son.

0:26:440:26:49

His mother, riding through the streets, clad only in...

0:26:520:26:57

Fleshings!

0:26:570:26:59

Now...

0:27:090:27:11

are we ready, men?

0:27:110:27:13

When the...

0:27:130:27:15

When the procession has gone past,

0:27:150:27:19

Jones will open the door,

0:27:190:27:21

we will burst out on to the street and start our dance.

0:27:210:27:25

-Mr Mainwaring, the procession's coming now.

-Good, good. Stand by.

0:27:250:27:29

-Put that horse away!

-It's frightfully heavy.

-Come along.

0:27:330:27:37

-Rest it on here.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

0:27:370:27:41

There's someone at the door. Don't they know we're closed? I'm coming!

0:27:410:27:47

Wilson, I want you to collect as much money as you possibly can.

0:27:470:27:52

Mr Jones! Mr Jones!

0:27:520:27:55

Mrs Fox, what's the matter?

0:27:550:27:58

-It was terrible.

-Don't upset yourself,

0:27:580:28:01

you're with your little Jack now. What happened?

0:28:010:28:06

-What happened?

-Well, I went to one of the rooms

0:28:060:28:10

in the Town Hall to change,

0:28:100:28:12

I put my wig and fleshings on a chair

0:28:120:28:15

and went out of the room for a minute,

0:28:150:28:17

and when I came back they were gone. Gone!

0:28:170:28:21

GONE!

0:28:210:28:23

What a pity. We're not going to see Lady Godiva after all.

0:28:240:28:30

It's up to us now, men.

0:28:300:28:33

There IS a Lady Godiva.

0:28:330:28:35

-Good Lord, it's not Mavis, is it?

-I wish you'd control that woman.

0:28:350:28:39

Don't look, don't look, sir. Whatever you do, don't look!

0:28:410:28:45

It IS Mrs Mainwaring!

0:29:000:29:02

Oh, Mr Mainwaring, speak to me!

0:29:030:29:06

Come round, come round! Poor man, he'll never get over the shock!

0:29:060:29:12

No...and neither will the horse!

0:29:120:29:15

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