Grin and Bare It Doctors

KNOCK ON DOOR Are you decent?

Graham?

Not quite.

Come in, Mother.

I hereby call to order the first official meeting of The Bucket List Club.

Life drawing. Hurrah!

An evening of staring at men's danglies.

Female models, tonight. We're reproducing Raphael's Three Graces.

The most I've painted is a fingernail. I can't draw that!.

It's a bit of a tall order.

Still. Er...we'll have a go.

-What's the worst that can happen?

-We make complete fools of ourselves and get ridiculed in public.

This is item one on the bucket list. Are we going to falter at the first hurdle?

We have to strike while the iron's hot, not analyse everything to death.

Unite in this together. Like...

-like The Three Musketeers,

-The Three Stooges(!)

All for one and one for all. Moments like this only come once. We have to grasp them

or they vanish forever. Seize the day.

Carpe diem. In fact, I think that should be our motto.

Carpe diem.

-Carpe diem.

-Carpe diem.

This used to be a quality newspaper.

Daily News?!

Daily Sleaze, more like.

I've a good mind to cancel my subscription.

Morning, Mother.

Bowels?

All present and correct.

Ears?

Can't have you seeing the nurse with dirty ears.

Wear your jacket. Then afterwards...

What day is it?

-Wednesday.

-Meaning?

I get to choose.

-Good, well, I think that's everything.

-PHONE RINGS

Sorry, I forgot to switch it off.

It's all right. We're done here.

Don't mind me.

-Hi.

-Hi, it's Eva.

-'Hi.'

-Can you talk?

-Er, yeah.

-'Still on for tonight?'

-Yeah.

7:30, Icon bar?

'For old times sake?'

Er, yeah, sounds good.

Great. Oh, and, Jimmi?

-Yeah.

-It's been three years but I hope your conversation skills have come back by then.

-I'll see you later.

-Bye then.

-'Bye.'

Right...

Let's get this lot started.

-What do you do for a living?

-I'm...needed at home.

-Angina.

I'm a martyr to it. And he's always been on the sickly side.

-What is it I say, Graham?

-We look after each other.

And we do every Tuesday in the charity shop. For the cripples.

They aren't called that any more.

I don't see why not. It was always good enough for them before.

Ahem. Just your bloods to do.

Did you remember to bring your urine sample?

First tinkle of the day.

7:15 this morning.

Oh! It must be in the car.

I won't be a minute.

Behave yourself while I'm gone.

-Mothers.

-You seem...very close.

My father died before I was born, so it's just the two of us.

Want to have a look?

I'm not being dirty-minded.

It's only a few pencil strokes, and yet they seem so alive.

Do you draw?

Oh, no...not really.

I copy pictures from postcards. This is art.

Copying pictures sounds like art in my book.

Artists paint what they see. I only paint what someone else has seen.

Mainly cottages.

And kittens. Mother's very fond of kittens.

You should come. It's tonight, and it's open to everyone.

It's out of the question.

Thank you.

I know what you're going to say.

Let me get this straight. Eva's back

and you're giving Jimmi permission to choose between the two of you?!

You think I'm mad.

I think you should go out there and fight for your man.

Not hand him over gift-wrapped.

-I've thought it through.

-Was that in a blonde moment?

I need to know, Julia. I need to know if I'm second best.

And this is the only way to do it.

I've never been to an art class.

Mother said it was a girl's subject so I did woodwork instead.

My mum made me do home ec.

I'm saying, I don't know one end of a paintbrush from the other.

But I'm going.

It's impossible.

It's an opportunity.

Don't analyse it.

Just do it. Seize the moment before it vanishes forever.

She'd never approve.

Mothers don't always know best.

You've got to spread your wings, fly the nest.

-I wouldn't know anyone.

-You know me.

I don't know about you, but I'm thinking it looks a bit cloudy.

How about a nice walk in the park?

We can feed the ducks and walk off some of those biscuits.

I'd like to go to an art gallery.

What do you want to do that for? Seatbelt.

Stuck in on a lovely day, looking at a load of pictures.

Art. Not pictures. It's my turn to choose.

And I want to go to an art gallery.

My! Someone's Mr Feisty today.

All that sugar, I shouldn't wonder.

SHARP KNOCK

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Eva's here for the Harcourt debrief.

A fiancee back from the dead. How romantic(!)

-I guess being with Cherry seems very tame after all that.

-Julia...

Honestly, Jimmi, I've got to say this to you.

-I think over the last year I've never seen you look so relaxed and happy in your own skin.

-Julia...

-I know you'll say I should mind my own business...

-Julia!

You should mind your own business.

But I forgive you, because you're right.

Good. I'm glad to hear it.

I'm doing this for Cherry. Going through the motions, otherwise she won't be convinced.

-And that's all?

-It's closure. Trust me. Nothing's going to happen.

I need to find a ladies.

Do you need to spend a penny, Graham? LAUGHTER

No.

Can I go to the gift shop?

Thank you.

Don't spend it all at once.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH EARPHONES

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR Graham?

-Cutting it fine, ladies!

-Er, the Three Graces?

-That was the original intention.

-Is something the matter?

I specified early 30s.

Either there's been a crossed wire or the years have been unusually harsh.

We weren't aware the class had an age limit.

-I'm doing the Three Graces, not growing older gracefully.

-Is this a joke?

Not unless it's a parody.

Or...irony.

Yes!

Yes. Your maturity would add freshness and piquancy.

-Along a theme of decay.

-Does anyone know what he's talking about?

It's brilliant. If I say so myself.

So...

Clothes?

The sooner you get them off, the sooner we can work through the pose.

Dirty boy!

I'm just drawing.

Drooling. Over naked women.

-It's art.

-It's pornography!

As good as.

And she's no more than a two-bit strumpet.

Flashing her bits and bobs to some bloke with a brush.

I've only done an arm.

Saving the best till last, eh?

I'll show you what I think of this.

And there'll be no more visits to art galleries

if this is the kind of ideas you'll be getting.

I haven't done anything wrong.

What was that?

Nothing.

I'm going round to Viv's for a cup of tea and a calm down.

You, young man, can use the time to reflect on what you've done

and write me a letter of apology.

Did you hear me, Graham?

Yes.

-You set this up.

-I did no such thing!

-No, course she didn't.

-Did you?

-No!

But I think this could be karma.

I mean, we could look back on this and be proud we did it.

-Proud of standing in a room full of strangers wearing an apple?

-I say yes.

All for one, one for all. What about it? Are you with me?

-Hi.

-Hey.

Sorry.

We'd be immortalised.

"Art cannot exist without naked beauty displayed." William Blake.

How true.

THAT'S naked beauty. We are three middle aged women with wobbly bits. Karen Hollins.

Think of yourselves as nude.

-Not naked.

-There's a difference?

-There's no shame in nudity.

Whilst a naked body is exposed and vulnerable and embarrassed,

the nude isn't hunched or defensive,

but proud, confident

-and wonderfully free.

-I think it's very tasteful.

Excuse me. You're saying that we wouldn't actually be showing anything?

To veil your loins.

A veil is cover. That's about as concealing as cling film.

Hi. Oh, hello, Graham.

I'm taking your advice. Seizing the moment.

Wise words.

It's my first time.

The class is cancelled due to shortage of life models.

Oh, I see. That's a pity.

Never mind. There's always next week.

-Maybe not.

-Well, no...

You can't falter at the first hurdle.

-I think it wasn't meant to be. Thanks anyway.

-No, wait...

OK, I'll do it.

On condition I'm that one.

I'm not showing my lady garden off to the public.

Especially as the lawn hasn't been mown in weeks.

This is weird.

-What have you been up to the last three years?

-Oh, you know...

Debrief, safe house,

new identity, new life in Canada.

All the usual stuff. What about you?

Same job. Same house. Same life.

Well, not quite.

-How did you meet her?

-Er, at work. She's the practice nurse.

Oh! Doctors and nurses.

You landed on your feet there. She's a stunner.

Cherry's not just a pretty face, she's...

You know... You'd like her.

-Just remind me again why we're doing this.

-For posterity.

And for Graham.

Take your seats and we'll begin.

If you're ready.

Now or never. On my count. One...two...three.

-Karen!

-OK!

How's he doing?

Just sitting.

-Just sitting?

-Mmm.

Thinking about it.

He better do more than think or I'm going to wring his ruddy neck.

He's picking up the charcoal. He's drawing.

He's doing that measuring thing, you know, with his pencil?

Like he knows what he's doing.

See, it could be worse.

Uh-oh!

Mum!

Oh! Karen!

Hello, Mrs Hollins.

Now, Graham! Come on. Nobody likes a sulker.

Anyone feeling liberated?

Like a piece of meat on a butcher's slab.

It could be worse.

Oh, speak for yourself. My daughter's sat ten feet away drawing my naked butt-cheeks!

There are no straight lines in the human body.

Everything curves.

Embrace the curvaceousness.

Who's he calling curvaceous?

Drawing is about light and shade.

Young skin is firm and smooth.

Old skin has more tonal variations, subtle textual shifts.

Old skin? Old skin?!

So, what did you call yourself for the last three years?

-Cos I'm assuming it wasn't Eva.

-Guess.

-Kate?

-No.

-Gemma?

Tell you what. I'll bet you dinner you can't get it in ten goes.

That sounds like a game. Nicky?

Nope.

-Diana.

-Now you're not even trying.

Try to see the negative shapes.

There...

where the thighs make a triangle with the droop of the buttocks.

I'm not standing here listening to this.

-Yes, you are. You're the only thing that's preserving our modesty.

-He said my backside was droopy.

I expect he'd say the same about mine if it was visible.

This flow is marvellous.

You're a natural.

-Graham's a natural.

-Bully for him(!)

And what do you call this?!

-Juliet?

-Give us a break.

-Madam?

-Oh, er, you go. I can't decide.

Er, she'll have Caesar salad with no anchovies,

the lamb cutlet, pink, chunky chips and a side order of spinach, please.

And he'll have the prawns, the steak with peppercorn sauce, rare,

and new potatoes and peas.

-You haven't changed.

-Neither have you.

Filthy!

Gawping at a load of naked floozies.

I'm not! I wanted to draw from life.

You wanted to ogle women. Shame on you.

-Leering at strippers!

-Do you mind?!

These are profess...

These are life models.

Same difference.

Flashing their bits and bobs for a few quid.

Dropping their drawers for a few quid more, I shouldn't wonder.

-Mother, please...

-Madam.

This is art.

It's titillation.

And you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Especially at your age.

-I've had enough of this...

-You're coming home with me, young man!

Right, now hang on a minute, lady!

Karen! Arms, arms!

Yes, you. Mary Whitehouse.

For the record,

we are not naked. We are nude. And proud of it, because this is art

and every naked body is a thing of beauty.

Although, I imagine we can make an exception in your case.

How dare you!

What's art without nudity?

A load of landscapes and fruit bowls.

There'd be no Venus de Milo...

-or...?

-Michelangelo's David.

Michael's Angelo David.

The walls of the Louvre would be bare.

The Pope would have to get the decorators in.

So, you can take your outrage

and your prehistoric ideas and shove them where the sun don't shine,

you nasty, narrow-minded old bat!

Come on, we're leaving!

Girls, kimonos, now.

Graham!

You've got one go left. Looks like dinner's going to be on you.

I wouldn't count on it. My tenth and final guess...

Maggie.

How did you know?

Because when your little brother was born, you cried for a week

cos you wanted a baby sister called Maggie.

-Well remembered.

-I haven't forgotten anything.

I always said you'd make a good detective.

Maybe if you'd made a better one, we wouldn't have ended up in this mess.

That's a bit harsh.

Is it? Because you got a new life, a new house, a new everything.

While I got to sit behind and mourn a woman who wasn't dead.

It hasn't been exactly plain sailing for me.

-Yeah, well, you signed up for it. I was just collateral damage.

-You're really angry, aren't you?

Yes. I am angry because you put yourself at risk in the first place.

-Then you put mine and Cherry's life at risk.

-I never meant that...

Because you got to ride off into the sunset and I didn't. I had to stay here, living a lie.

-You didn't even fight to take me with you.

-Jimmi, I...

You know that wasn't possible.

So you said.

You know what? Have dinner on me. We should do it again.

It was great to catch up. Maybe in three years' time?

Did you have to embarrass me like that?

You're embarrassed?

I'm the one who's raised a nasty little pervert for a son.

I'm not a pervert, I'm an artist!

Sketching a few postcards doesn't make you an artist,

and if that's what you call art,

then it's a good thing you're never going back!

'I'm 46. You can't tell me what to do any more.'

'Don't be silly, Graham!'

-Mother knows best.

-No, she doesn't.

You know nothing about art.

'But the teacher in there does, and he says I've a natural talent.'

'So, you're wrong, Mother,'

because I am an artist!

You are a wicked boy!

No, I'm not.

I'm going to go back in there.

And I'm going to finish the class.

And I'm coming back next week!

'Graham! You get yourself back here!

'Graham!'

APPLAUSE

Come on then. Might as well finish what we started.

-God bless the bucket list. Doesn't this feel amazing?

-Don't push it.

-She's not choosing the next one.

-I've always fancied belly-dancing.

Neither are you. I was thinking more along the lines of basket-weaving.

Jimmi! Jimmi! Don't you dare walk out on me!

How does it feel?

Is that what this is about? I explained why.

You loved me too much to take me. Or you didn't love me enough in the first place?

You're wrong, Jimmi.

Will you listen to me?

It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make.

And there's not a day goes by that I don't regret it.

I'll see you tomorrow at the debrief.

You are the only man for me.

-Maybe I just want a little bit of interest.

-But you said...

A little bit of effort!

Give me Mortadella and liver sausage any day.

He's so pushing and possessive.

Julia told me that you saw Eva last night.

-Who are you?

-I'm Rita. Reggie's wife.

-Hi. Eva.

-Pleased to meet you at last.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]