The Devil's Daughter Doctors

Well, Daddy, you've really done it this time.

I know you've been thrown out of restaurants

but to get expelled from an old folks' home takes some doing.

I didn't fit in. The whole place was full of old people.

I know it creeps up on us all in the end

but to allow yourself to become that old is simply careless.

What are we going to do with you?

-I'll move back in here.

-And when I'm away?

Oh, you can leave me a can opener and a few tins of cat food.

Daddy, I have a very stressful job and I have to be away for weeks at a time.

I'm very pleased for you but I CAN MANAGE!

-You keep forgetting things.

-Such as?

-The wheelie bin. Have you brought it in?

-Yes.

-Did you?

No...that's someone else's wheelie bin.

I mean, I'm not accountable for the tardiness of our neighbours.

It's not going to work. You're not able to drive any more.

I refute that. I'm fine, just as long as the other drivers get out the way(!)

Really? I'm taking you to the doctors' this morning,

and we'll see what they say.

The doctors'? Is that necessary?

If they say you're safe to drive, then I'll shut up.

(Oh no! Doctors!)

-Hiya!

-Eva, what time is it?

Does it matter? We've got all day.

-When did you get here?

-Don't you remember?

You phoned us last night.

Said you couldn't bear to be without me another second. So here I am.

I'm sure I've forgotten something.

Yes. You forgot to put the rubbish out.

Argh!

PHONE BEEPS

-What's that?!

-Just some stuff for Cherry.

-She's on her break.

Can you go and put it in the nurse's room?

Right, can you just take these over to the Mill, please?

-What? It's miles away! I don't have a car!

-But you do have a pair of legs, don't you?

If it's too much for you to run a little errand,

maybe you should take the long walk down to the job centre.

-Oh, my dear! Shall we dance?

-Sorry!

I'd like to book a health check please for my father.

-Are you registered with us?

-No, never have been!

I mean, the idea of a health check is absurd.

I should stand here as an example of a man in his prime.

This is what clean living and a fish diet does for you.

Right, if you're not registered with us, can you just fill out this form

then the nurse can give you a full medical.

-A f-f...full...? Fleur.

-Come on, Daddy.

-Is that who I think it is?

-I have no idea.

-Dominic Duvall, the food writer.

-Never heard of him.

Better known as "The Devil" because of his famously vicious reviews.

Great. A snob with a short temper.

-So was there anything in particular?

-He needs an eye test.

-Do I?

-You nearly crashed into that girl on your way in!

Well, any chance of intimacy, and I have to grab it!

-How is your eyesight?

-Good enough to see that you are a very beautiful young lady.

# In Letherbridge City Where the girls are so pretty

# I first set my eyes On sweet Cherry Malone! #

Of course, it's none of my business, but is it Mrs or Miss Malone?

It's like you say. It's none of your business.

Oh, dear. Love life not what it should be?

Daddy, this girl is paid to be polite but don't push it too far.

I wasn't going to. But believe me, if you were my girlfriend,

I would walk through fire to put a smile on your face.

DOORBELL

-Hi!

-Come in.

-Thanks.

Sorry.

-Shall I take...?

-It's OK, I'll do it.

I guess I know who that belongs to!

-Yeah.

-Is it so she doesn't forget her name?

-Something like that.

Well, this is weird. I didn't think I'd come back here

-and now I've got to ring the doorbell.

-Still the same place.

-Haven't had the chance to redecorate.

-I didn't think you would. You need pushing!

-So is the kitchen still there?

-Yes!

Good. Cos I fancy a cuppa.

-Well, your blood pressure seems fine.

-I know.

TARZAN CRY

I'm a medical miracle!

OK, cos you said you've got some concerns about your memory,

-I've asked the doctor to examine you.

-I've got no concerns!

You're not the one who's scared the house is going to burn down or you're going to crash the car!

Now that's not fair!

Mr Duvall, If you'd like to come through.

How dare you say that to me!

OK, quick medical question.

On a scale of one to ten, how big a cow am I?

It's only because you're concerned.

But he doesn't see it. He thinks he's in a remake of Colditz.

-He doesn't seem that bad.

-That's the thing.

Nine times out of ten, he's fine.

But on a bad day, he doesn't know if I'm his daughter, or his wife

-or his mummy, taking him to school.

-How are you coping?

With difficulty.

It's hard living with someone you can't really trust.

-There we go.

-Thanks.

-Oh, hang on.

-Still got the old...?

Yep, 'fraid so.

-I'm sure there's treatment you can get for that.

-I've had some.

Oh, good. So... I suppose you must be a partner by now.

-Nope.

-Why not?

Umm... Don't fancy it. Happy where I am.

How about you?

They've offered me my old job back.

Same pay, same everything. But...

-Yeah?

-..they've also offered me a transfer to the flying squad.

But it's in London, so I'll have to up sticks again.

Are you going to go for it?

I might.

Can I just say what a huge fan I am of your work?

Well, I'm not going to stop you.

When I think of all the meals I've had on your recommendation, my palate owes you a big thank you.

Ah, that's very nice! You know, my daughter is deeply ashamed of me.

-Surely not!

-Indeed. That's why she's dragged me here today.

She wants to prove I can't drive. Then they'll take away my licence

and I'll be housebound.

-How do you feel about that?

-I'm not scared. I'm sure I'll pass your test with flying colours.

That's the spirit. Now, it's what we call a mini mental state examination.

And the first question is about politics.

Marvellous. I'm extremely interested in the political scene.

Excellent. Who is the Prime Minister?

I...I... I said I was interested.

I didn't say I was obsessed.

-OK.

-OK.

Give me a clue.

Ah... It's...a fellow...

with a fat face, I think.

Yes, I once sat next to him once at a charity luncheon.

A total nonentity.

Oh, dear. I can't read upside down. I imagine it's not good.

I do have a few more questions.

What's the point?! You're going to say that

I am losing my memory!

And I blame the modern age for being so unmemorable.

I can name every item on the menu

at the Queen's banquet at the Savoy in 1953!

But...

I can't remember yesterday.

You said you wanted to go through your old stuff.

Yeah, great. Thanks. That's not mine!

-What's not?

-The teasmade! That is the property of Jimmi Clay.

Um, I think it's yours. I got it for you for your birthday.

-Oh, I'm sorry, Jimmi!

-Well, that was a hit.

I do like a cup of tea, it's just I prefer someone to make it for us.

A machine takes away the magic.

PHONE RINGS

Julia Parsons.

Good morning, Mrs Parsons. It is Mrs Tembe speaking.

Mrs Tembe! How lovely! Where are you?

I am staying with my Uncle Thabani in his home in Gaborone,

right on the edge of the River Notwane.

Ooo, what's the weather like?

Ah! Every day, I wake up to blazing sunshine but I miss the drizzle.

I miss my friends. I miss having a nice cup of tea with you.

So have you made any plans at all?

I would very much like to return to work next week...

if that is acceptable.

-I'll have to think about it.

-Oh.

I've thought about it. Yes, that would be fantastic!

Oh, Mrs Parsons, you do not know how happy this makes me.

There are quite a few people here who'll be happy to see you!

Thanks for listening. I just think the DVLA need to know he's not safe.

If you write to them, they'll get in contact with us.

Thank you. I also need to know that he's...

-Where is he?

-He'll be with Doctor Carter.

Ah, Miss Duvall, a pleasure to meet your father, a really remarkable man.

-Yes, but what have you done with him?

-Um, I left him there.

-Lauren was looking after him.

-I told him to wait in the staff room.

-Imogen's making him coffee.

-Immie, is Mr Duvall in there?

No, I went to ask Julia if she wanted a coffee and when I got back, he was gone.

-Oh, my giddy aunt.

-No need to panic. He's not a four-year-old.

-Do you want a second opinion?

-Have you got my car keys?

-Oh, I put them on the desk.

-I'll look for the keys.

-You look for Mr Duvall.

-OK.

-You are unbelievable!

-I didn't know I was supposed to guard him.

If you grew a brain cell, it would probably die of loneliness.

Wait.

I'll take that.

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.

Aw, thanks, is everything OK?

-Nothing I can't handle.

-Lauren, while you're here.

I'm afraid I won't be able to renew your contract.

We've got our regular receptionist coming back next week.

I'll keep you on for another week while Mrs Tembe settles in.

-And we're always looking for temps.

-I see.

You always knew it was short term.

I'm sure you'll find something else soon.

Oh, dear.

Excuse me!

Ah, my dear! I was just going for a spin.

-This is my car.

-Oh, pity.

I was hoping it belonged to that revolting receptionist.

-Hop in.

-I can give you a lift somewhere.

No, I want to drive!

This could be my last chance.

-Oh, get off! Get off!

-Daddy!

-Get off, you'll damage the bodywork.

Lift off! Woo-hoo!

Daddy!

So, tell me about the hair!

-What, you don't like it?

-I think it suits you.

-Was it her idea?

-Who?

-Cherry?

-It might have been!

-You haven't said much about her.

-I don't like to.

She seems really nice. So come on, dish the dirt.

Well, she's, um, sweet.

Sweet.

Is that it?

OK, she's funny,

she's bubbly, she's kind, she's caring.

And she walks round all day with a big smile on her face.

Does she snore?

No. She mostly giggles in her sleep.

-She sounds demented(!)

-Yeah, maybe we both are(!)

-Woo-hoo!

-Dominic, will you please just slow down!

Why should I? Speed limits are for little people.

Look out!

Sunday driver!

-What are you doing?

-Well, since my daughter is determined to treat me as a child,

I'm going to behave the way she did when she was a teenager.

I'll do some drugs, do some joyriding

and maybe get pregnant by a Mexican called Jose.

-She's doing it because she loves you.

-Is that what you do when you love someone?

-Cut their wings off?!

-Please let me drive!

In a minute! I'm going to drive home, get my passport,

then I'm going to Birmingham Airport

-and then you can have your car back.

-If we get there in one piece.

Exciting, isn't it?! Woo-hoo! No hands!

Woo-hoo! Ha-ha!

So...

you and Cherry. Do you think it'll last?

I don't know. But I can see myself, in ten years' time with two kids.

Me and Cherry just smiling, being happy. No particular reason.

I'm sorry.

It's OK. You deserve to be happy.

-And we did have some good times.

-Yeah, we did.

It was a bit of a roller coaster.

You were the one.

But then...

Yeah, I know. Things happen for a reason but...

If I didn't think she was right for you, this would be really hard.

But she's honest and true, and you deserve to be with someone

who makes you smile every day.

Yeah.

So what are you doing here, then?

You'd better go and tell her!

-Can I just make a phone call?

-Don't let me stop you!

Look out!

Argh! Bollards!

-Are you OK?

-Yeah, I think so.

I must admit, she had a point. I did forget to bring in the wheelie bin.

-You're bleeding!

-Yes. Something hit me on the head.

-I think it was your cell phone.

-Come on, let's get you inside.

-So is that everything?

-Yeah, I think so.

-Good luck with the job.

-Oh, I'll be fine.

-They've already killed us once.

-You will be OK?

Of course I will! I'm tough as old boots, me.

PHONE RINGS

You'd better get that.

Yeah.

-There you go!

-Oh, dear.

I really have been a proper plonker.

I'm not going to argue with that. Can I can get you anything else?

Yeah! Can you get me a new body?!

I mean, this silly old thing is completely useless

and totally wrong for a virile young man like me.

Does my daughter know I'm here?

Yeah, I called her and she's on her way.

Oh, dear.

Daddy. Are you all right?

Yeah! I frightened Stirling Moss here.

If you knew the worry you caused me. In the past hour, I've aged 20 years.

That's nice. You can catch up with me(!)

HE LAUGHS

It's not funny, Dad!

You are ruining my life. That's what you do...

You destroy things. Be it cars or bedsprings or people's dreams.

I don't know what to do. Apparently, you can't divorce your father.

So I may have to resort to murder(!)

So... Who's for a cup of tea?

-Just to let you know, Mrs Tembe will be back next week.

-Oh.

So unfortunately, Lauren will be leaving us.

-UNfortunately?!

-Look, I know you two haven't always seen eye to eye,

-but do try and be a little gracious.

-I will.

Yes!

# Ding, dong, the witch is dead!

# Which old witch? The wicked witch

# Ding, dong, the wicked witch... #

-You seem rather pleased with yourself.

-Are you still here?

-Would you like to come and have a word with Julia?

-What about?

Wait and see.

I wish I'd been born infertile.

I wish I'd been brought up by wolves.

-Cup of tea?

-Not until she apologises for what she's just said.

Wow, I'm impressed! You actually listened to me?

It's clear that you care about each other.

You just find it difficult to live together.

That's why you want to pack me off some old people's home!

Only cos I'm afraid you're going to set fire to this one.

If you treat him like a child, he's going to act like one.

And is there a part of you that enjoys putting him in his place?

-Enjoys having power over him?

-What!?

I don't know.

But it's so hard to live with him.

As soon as anyone finds out he's my dad,

I'm no longer Fleur Duvall,

I'm the Devil's daughter.

So, yeah. Maybe that's why I want him in a home.

What's all this about?

Well...

If I am leaving next week, then I want to make sure things are left in a good state.

Good. I'm glad to hear it.

-Imogen's work just isn't up to scratch.

-You what!?

She finds it difficult to follow instructions,

she's incredibly absent-minded

and she's recently been making a lot of mistakes with patient data.

And have you spoken to Immie about it?

Yep! Several times a day!

Hang on, I get it! I'm not up to the job.

So someone else should do my job.

I wonder... is there anyone round here who might be losing their job?

Look, I know how it seems but I'm just thinking of the reputation of the practice.

I've actually put together a file on Imogen's performance.

I think you should have a look.

Well...

I had no idea...

I'm appalled.

My dear...

even at the height of my success,

there was nothing that meant more to me than the words,

"I love you, Daddy."

But if it hurts, my being here, why don't you tie me up

-and throw me in the river?

-No, Daddy, but it is hard living with you,

But I don't think you should be on your own.

How long have you been in the nursing home for?

-Oh, it's been an age!

-You tried it for one day!

-One day?!

-It's full of old people.

-Take a look in the mirror!

-I beg your pardon?!

I'm sorry, but however young you may feel, you are one of those old people.

And you need someone to keep an eye on you. There's nothing wrong with that.

Says the 22-year-old(!)

Dominic, you need to take responsibility.

Today, you've stolen my car, driven into a wheelie bin.

If you're not careful, you're going to ruin your daughter's life.

SHE'S BEING SELFISH!

No, you're being selfish. How long has she had to put up with you living here?

Do you really think she can cope with you and running a business?

Am I really all that bad?

Daddy, you are wonderful.

But if we carry on like this, we're going to kill each other.

And I love you too much.

You...are right.

Right. You can give me a lift.

OK. But I'm driving this time.

-Daddy?

-You'd better come and visit me.

-You're going?

Don't seem to have much choice. Not with bossy blondie here.

Right, I just need to get some more of my books.

-Thank you.

-It's never easy.

Try not to feel too guilty.

I'm not sure that's possible.

But I hope we can make it work.

FLEUR!

Always a slave to the devil(!)

-Mum.

-What are you doing here?

-Something really bad has just happened.

-What have you done?

-It's not me, it's Lauren.

-What's Lauren done?

She's been keeping a file on me of every little thing I've done wrong.

-What, like you haven't done your job properly?

-It's not like that!

And she's just given it to Julia.

Oh, great! That's all I need.

-Mum?

-Listen.

I had to beg to get you this job.

And all you had to do was keep your head down. No, could you do that?

So you messed up and I look like an idiot.

Immie!

Yeah, all right, Heston. I'll be there in a bit.

Cherry?

-Hi.

-Heston told me what happened.

-Did he?

-Here.

I don't want to get mud on you.

I don't care, OK. I don't care about the mud.

I just care about you.

Jimmi! You're going to get...

-Where's Eva?

-She's gone.

Thank you for letting me choose.

But really, there was no choice to make.

So?

I do!

-You are scared of Princess Bubblegum.

-I'm not.

I've got to ask you this.

Did you take the purse?

I gave you honest advice. What do you want me to say?

You think I made a mistake. I should be with Eva?

If I were you, I'd give her purse back.

Go on, say it. I told you so...

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