Parts and Fitters Doctors

-How much?!

-It's not unreasonable.

But it was just a little leak

-Lose enough oil, love, and your engine seizes up.

-I do know something about cars.

What, how to put your lippy on in the mirror?

Don't you patronise me!

-Is there a problem?

-Yeah.

Lady's querying the work.

Ha! The work and your attitude.

Can I, er, take a look? Thanks.

Yeah, I remember this.

Wayne you told me about the cracks in the seals.

I needed someone who had the skill to fix it.

You see, this is the problem with high maintenance.

There's high and there's astronomical.

I'd say it's a fair price to get you back on the road.

And you wouldn't want to go breaking down in your condition, would you?

We accept all major credit cards. 10% off for cash.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

Er, take your clothes off behind the screen

-and I'll be with you in a minute.

-Is that called dispensing with formalities?

-Oh, Marina!

-Oh! Oh, dear.

-I didn't realise it was you. If I did I wouldn't of...

-You'd have asked me to keep my clothes on?

Er, no. Yeah... No! Er, I'm expecting a patient.

-The gorgeous blonde in reception?

-Er, yes, yes it is, er...

-Lucky girl.

-Yeah.

So how about dinner?

-Oh, that would be lovely.

-Tonight?

-Super, yeah, great.

I'm doing something with chicken.

Oh, well I know a very nice Pollo alla Toscana with San Miniato truffles.

-I was thinking more like chicken pie.

-Very traditional.

Er, would go well with a bottle of Bergerac.

I love things that complement each other.

Mary Salter?

this is the third appointment she's had with you this week.

Yep and, so far, a mystery to medical science.

-MESSAGE RECEIVED CHIME

-Oh, hello.

Bobbie!

Who's Bobbie?

A friend. With extras.

What sort of extras?

X-rated.

Oh! Naughty.

Bobbie is VERY naughty.

So you going to meet up there?

Oh, I'm like a bee to honey.

Like...a bee...to...

..honey.

THEY LAUGH

HE HUMS

-Cheerful for a cold November morning.

-Should joy await the spring?

-Do I detect romance?

-Guilty as charged.

I have a second date with the lovely Marina.

-Ah, you old dog.

-Less of the old.

So what is it, front row seats for the Pirates Of Penzance?

Dinner at her place.

Fast work. Well, just remember forewarned is forearmed.

-Sorry?

-You know, something for the weekend.

It's Monday.

-It's what barbers used to say.

-I'm aware of the euphemism.

It's a little early for talk of...

-Contraception?

-The physical side.

Heston, second date, her place. What do you think she's invited you there for?

Dinner?

Dinner is also a euphemism. Not a complete euphemism, but it's part of the same ritual.

Unless she's a nun and lives in a priory, you're in.

Am I?

Believe me. She'll be waiting to pounce, the moment you walk through the door.

Shouldn't it be the man who initiates?

It's not 1953. Women know what they want.

And in her case, it's you, big boy.

-Gosh.

-If she does pounce, don't say gosh.

There are certain words that don't belong in the sexual arena.

I'm a little out of practice.

OK, let her do the running.

-It might surprise you, but some women like to be assertive.

-Daniel!

Well?

Well, perhaps it was a little excessive replacing the hose but...

And? What else?

Well, here it says there was shearing...

-Hey, what's up?

-Ah, Doctor Clay. Second opinion please.

-Er, yeah, it would have been cheaper to buy a new car.

-No kidding.

BOTH: Hmm.

I, er, I presume there is an issue.

Mainly that these two are clueless.

I know engines.

You know they make things go. But do you know how?

The secret of internal combustion.

May I?

Have you the bill of work?

Now, this is scandalous. Half this work has not been done.

Oil.

-Oil.

-It's still leaking.

-Hmm.

I would guess from the sump.

Sump.

In my assessment, not only have they not attempted the work they have charged you for,

but they have also caused some damage.

That's what I was going to say.

-Really?

-Mmm.

So what do YOU propose doing about it?

I can see why she'd query this.

-Really?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, not really knowing much about cars, let alone engines.

Wayne?

The lovely lady who this, er, gentlemen is lucky enough to be with

still isn't happy with the work.

-Well, you saw the seals.

-Oh, yeah, yeah. They were bad.

Engine could have seized up any time.

Imagine that happening on the M40.

Especially the state your missus is in.

Yeah, er, but the sump still seems to be leaking.

I made sure it was topped up. It's a common mistake -

you see oil and you assume there's a leak.

Whole chamber's as tight as a drum.

The way I see it is, er, well, mechanics is just like medicine.

Diagnosis and then treatment.

Prognosis.

Exactly, yeah. You see that?

-Uh-huh.

-I tell you what, Doctor Granger,

I'd be so reassured coming to see someone like you.

Yeah, I mean, you're professionalism just shines through.

Thank you.

No, no, I can see it. The same as style.

Look come to the office, I've got something to show you.

-No, I really shouldn't

-Put the kettle on, yeah.

"Baby, we're both being singed by this heat between us,

"so let's go upstairs and burn the place down."

HE GRUNTS

"Buddies to bed mates?"

-Just doing a bit of research, it's...

-Which buddy are you planning to bed?

Well it's not just about the, you know, the physical side

Sex is part of a relationship.

It's about...getting to that juncture.

Who makes the first move?

That delicate moment, yeah.

I'm sure you'll know when it...arises.

Er, is that pregnancy tea any good?

Tastes disgusting, so I presume it's doing me some good.

Must have been a real shock when you found out you were pregnant.

-Actually, it was a pleasant surprise.

-Oh, so you sort of knew...

If you're asking if it was an assisted pregnancy,

then the answer is yes.

Oh.

So, is it your egg?

My egg. Daniel's sperm. Our baby.

Ah. So...

Hey, nice one!

What did they say? Did you get a refund?

-Er, not a refund, as such.

-What are those?

They're tickets.

Race tickets to Letherbridge Circuit.

Corporate box, lunch, the works.

They fobbed you off, didn't they?

-No.

-I knew I should have gone myself.

-Maybe in your condition...

-My condition, what?

-I was thinking of the stress.

-The only stress is dealing with the useless fraternity of men!

-PHONE RINGS

-That's urgent, I better...

I might have known he would give you the run around.

-Is this a repair shop?

-The garage, yeah.

-They're not accepting liability?

-The only liability is standing here.

You don't understand how these things are done.

These things? What things?

Women have a tendency to...

-ALL FEMALES:

-What?

..jump the gun. You have to...

What you need to do is get down there and call these people's bluff.

-I intend to.

-You're hardly an expert on cars.

No, but Mrs Tembe is.

Yeah, er, it's a bit disappointing. I mean, I know the market is slow

but I was hoping for something by now.

Uh-huh. OK. Right, well, cheers. Thank you.

Bye.

News?

Four viewings, no offers.

-Someone will.

-They need to.

Freya has got a date with someone called Bobbie.

-Yeah?

-Do you think that she'll be a girly-girl

or someone a bit more butch?

Ah, I don't really know Freya's type.

-If she likes girly-girls, would she fancy me?

-Why wouldn't she?

And if she does fancy me, can we still be friends?

Well, er, I'm deeply irresistible,

however Simon did somehow manage to contain his desire for me.

-People have tried though, haven't they?

-I am irresistible.

-No, I mean with the same sex.

-Yeah, it happens.

I've never been curious.

-You?

-What?

Have you ever...?

-What been curious or tried it?

-Either?

There was... There was this one guy

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.

-Daniel, have you got a minute?

-Yeah.

Er...

I could do with a little bit of advice.

-About women?

-Yes.

Well, that's simple. Don't go near them.

Don't even think about them. In fact, avoid at all costs.

-I was hoping for something a bit more positive.

-I'm not in a very positive frame of mind.

Well, you're experienced and I defer to experience.

OK, what kind of advice can I give you?

Proceed with caution. Enter at your own risk.

Well, tonight, I was hoping to... initiate proceedings.

OK, well, that's simple.

After supper, put your napkin down

and say, "Now I'd like to initiate proceedings."

Ha-ha(!)

Seduce her.

How?

When the moment's right

-How will I know when the moment's right?

-It's instinct, man.

Yes, but my instinct has been somewhat blunted by Lily.

Bet that's not all she blunted.

-Thank you.

-Sorry. You just have to wait for signs that she's ready.

Such as?

Well, when she starts doing something like, er, playing with her hair.

-Curling it round her finger.

-"Playing..."

You don't need to make notes.

Can you show me?

-What? You mean like role-play?

-Yeah, well, like rehearsal.

-OK.

Er, you can, er, be Marina...

-Do I have to be?

-Well, there's no point me being Marina.

Could you be a bit more feminine?

'He was kind and warm with a...'

a deep kind of gentleness that pulled you in.

One night we were there

and I just, er, started noticing little things like...

little lines at the corner of his eyes when he smiled

and how he used to wave his arms about

when he was talking expressively, you know, when he...

when he was listened to you, just, er, touch his hair.

So what happened?

Well, er, I just, er...I said,

"Greg, I'm not kissing you in the middle of this curry house."

HE LAUGHS

I believed you!

-Like I said to your husband...

-Partner.

Like I said to Daniel, the work was completely necessary.

-I do not think so.

-Are you a mechanic?

I have experience with cars.

No, no, I don't mean just riding in them.

I am proficient with most engine types.

So, you have a lot of sports coupes where you're from?

My colleague knows about cars.

And she says that not only have you not done the work that you've charged for

but you've also caused damage.

Have you got any proof of that?

Where would you like me to start?

I'm a very busy man.

So why don't you find something useful to do.

Like shopping.

You cannot just dismiss us like that.

He just did, darling.

We are not your darlings!

You wouldn't believe...how long... I've waited for this moment

-What did you do that for?!

-I haven't given you the sign.

-You were pouting.

-Wasn't.

-There was a definite vibe.

-No, I wasn't in the zone.

-Why not?

Cos you weren't being attentive enough.

If I stared any more into your eyes, I'd be communing with your ancestors.

I was waiting for my gaze to drop to your lips.

When a woman drops her gaze to your lips, it means she's looking for you to kiss her.

-Really?

-Mmm. I've done extensive research.

OK, let's do it again. This time, I'll wait for the sign

OK.

-Are you ready?

-Always.

Hi, we're closed for lunch.

I'm not actually, er...

If you want to register, you'll need to fill out a form.

Er, OK.

New box.

So, what do you do when you're not being a nurse?

I presume you are a nurse.

Practice Nurse Cherry Malone. I just do the usual stuff.

Going around being beautiful?

Er, I'm not beautiful.

Oh, yes you are.

-Finally, you've got the thing about lips?

-Yeah, she looks at my lips.

-You start tonsil-tickling.

-I sweep her off her feet and carry her upstairs.

-It's a bit Brief Encounter, isn't it?

-No, no, no, the point of Brief Encounter is they never actually...

-Oh, get jiggy?

-Jig...? You've not seen it, have you?

-No, I've seen Debbie Does Dallas...

-Yes, I bet you have.

Right, OK, so the man assumes dominance.

-For the first and probably last time in the relationship.

-Let's not spoil it.

You've started the process, OK? So let her react.

OK. Right, bear with me.

Er, let, let's assume that we've kissed passionately

-Assumption's good.

-I've kissed her...

-Uh-huh.

-..and she is reacting. Passionately.

Yeah. Hormones are raging.

She says something to you like,

"No-one has ever kissed me like that before

-"I am going to give you the most sensuous...

-Oh, Marina.

-..the most erotic...

-Oh, yeah.

-..wildest night of your life.

-Oh, yes!

Elaine.

I'm so sorry.

Er...

Er, I think that's everything.

Absolutely. Yeah. Up the Villa!

We need evidence of criminal wrongdoing.

But it is immoral.

-We're not the morality police.

-Then what kind of police are you?

The kind that maintain law and order.

It's extortion.

Extortion is a very complicated crime.

-Unless you've got grounds for investigation...

-What grounds?

Evidence, suspicion, motive.

-Well, we suspect that they are defrauding their customers.

-And the motive is money.

-As things stand...

-As things stand,

-we'll have to find the evidence ourselves.

-I strongly advise against that.

Well, I feel a strong impulse to the contrary.

SHE TUTS

So, if you don't want an appointment why are you still here?

I do want an appointment. With you.

-That's just a challenge.

-No, it's a commitment.

I don't do commitments.

Bobbie?

-You all right?

-Yeah, are you all right?

Cherry, this is Bobbie.

MUSIC: "Starsky And Hutch theme"

CAMERA CLICKS

Another unsatisfied customer.

-Looks like they ripped her off too.

-I cannot hear what you are saying with a mouthful of doughnuts.

You're lucky it's not chips and ice-cream.

Cravings can be controlled.

Do you think I want to eat 4,000 calories a day?

My body has been colonised.

There are consequences.

-That is the third one.

-What?

Car with foreign plates.

-How did you see that?

-Pregnancy doesn't make me myopic.

Oh, surely it is a repair shop.

And just today there's been a whole spate of foreign cars that need repairing?

-I should take a look.

-WE should.

Actually, I think in your condition...

If one more person mentions my condition!

-If you're going, I am.

-Very well.

MUSIC: "Starsky And Hutch theme"

But remember, stay close.

THEY LAUGH

Well, you make a lovely couple.

We're not joined at the hip, though. But, maybe sometimes.

Lovely!

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

That is really good news.

OK, I'll be home as soon as I can.

OK, bye.

Ooh, he's had an offer on the house!

Sounds like we've all got something to celebrate.

If you're up for it.

-Always.

-See you later, Cherry.

-Nice to meet you.

MUSIC: "Shaft theme"

-It looks like they are cutting and shutting.

-What?

Stripping stolen cars of their parts.

It is easier and much more profitable than trying to sell a whole car.

So we've caught them red-handed.

As they say in the police serials - bang to rights.

I'd postpone the celebrations if I were you.

SHE SIGHS

Hey, Freya's had a mystery man turn up.

And there was us thinking she bats for the other team.

Would it matter?

Oh, no, but Cherry said that they were all over each other

and they've just popped out.

Everyone's off on dates. Even Daniel and Heston. Together.

Probably some male bonding thing. I hope.

So does Rob ever romance you?

Er, er, yes, he brought some fish and chips home the other week

and we opened a bottle of red and watched a box set of Juliet Bravo.

Sounds romantic.

Well, yeah, yeah, if you like sitting there with someone saying,

"They never did that when I was at West Yorkshire," all night.

Ah, it was fine, it was just us.

-Yeah. Night.

-Night.

You can't deny it.

Cutting and shutting? No, no, we don't do that.

Though I do believe it's something the, er... Africans are quite keen on.

HE LAUGHS

We Africans mostly have respect for the law.

As do I.

Which is why all our vehicles have the full documentation.

Looks like you've been wasting your time. HE LAUGHS

It's really unfortunate that you've just seen that.

Well...we can say that we didn't see it.

No, no, I think you've been far too proactive for that. Wayne?

SHE SCREAMS

-Pull the other one, you dozy...!

-Can you not see her condition!

-Run!

-Oh!

Get her!

PHONE RINGS WITH THE THEME FROM THE SWEENEY

Zara.

You what?! Come on, guys, quick!

-Come on!

-Don't get in.

-Get out!

-Come on!

-Get off me! Careful, careful, careful!

Get the stuff out of here!

Let her go, or I will strike thee down with great vengeance

and furious anger!

-Oh, God!

-You are nuts!

No. I am Mrs Tembe!

-Police!

-Aah!

-How is the important business?

-All right! It's finished, yeah!

Get off!

Thank you.

Do I need to tell you two to never, ever to do that again?

Good.

Oh, and, unofficially...thanks.

Hope the pie wasn't too simple for you.

Oh, no, simplicity is difficult and you achieved that with elan.

You really are one of the most charming men.

-And you are one of the most...

-One of the most forceful...

No, no, no, I enjoy your zest.

Well, let's just hope you enjoy the sticky toffee pudding.

Marvellous.

Been a while since I've had sticky toffee pudding.

-Not too sticky?

-Oh, no.

Sure?

Lips.

Gorgeous lips.

GIGGLING

That...was...great. It's always great.

We could always do it more often.

-Are you trying to wear me out?

-I don't just mean sex.

You know, being together.

What like boyfriend and girlfriend?

Can you imagine?

Nature calls.

TOILET FLUSHES

He's got the stamina of a man in his 20s. He is absolutely rampant.

Whoa! Too much information.

Sick of being scared all the time.

That's the only way to be, the only way to stay strong.

See you later.

-Help!

-Get inside!

What are you doing with that?

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