Parts and Fitters Doctors


Parts and Fitters

Zara and Mrs Tembe team up to crack down on overcharging at a local garage. Daniel offers Heston advice on seduction whilst Freya prepares for a date of her own.


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Transcript


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-How much?!

-It's not unreasonable.

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But it was just a little leak

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-Lose enough oil, love, and your engine seizes up.

-I do know something about cars.

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What, how to put your lippy on in the mirror?

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Don't you patronise me!

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-Is there a problem?

-Yeah.

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Lady's querying the work.

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Ha! The work and your attitude.

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Can I, er, take a look? Thanks.

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Yeah, I remember this.

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Wayne you told me about the cracks in the seals.

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I needed someone who had the skill to fix it.

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You see, this is the problem with high maintenance.

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There's high and there's astronomical.

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I'd say it's a fair price to get you back on the road.

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And you wouldn't want to go breaking down in your condition, would you?

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We accept all major credit cards. 10% off for cash.

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

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Er, take your clothes off behind the screen

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-and I'll be with you in a minute.

-Is that called dispensing with formalities?

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-Oh, Marina!

-Oh! Oh, dear.

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-I didn't realise it was you. If I did I wouldn't of...

-You'd have asked me to keep my clothes on?

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Er, no. Yeah... No! Er, I'm expecting a patient.

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-The gorgeous blonde in reception?

-Er, yes, yes it is, er...

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-Lucky girl.

-Yeah.

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So how about dinner?

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-Oh, that would be lovely.

-Tonight?

-Super, yeah, great.

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I'm doing something with chicken.

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Oh, well I know a very nice Pollo alla Toscana with San Miniato truffles.

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-I was thinking more like chicken pie.

-Very traditional.

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Er, would go well with a bottle of Bergerac.

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I love things that complement each other.

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Mary Salter?

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this is the third appointment she's had with you this week.

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Yep and, so far, a mystery to medical science.

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-MESSAGE RECEIVED CHIME

-Oh, hello.

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Bobbie!

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Who's Bobbie?

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A friend. With extras.

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What sort of extras?

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X-rated.

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Oh! Naughty.

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Bobbie is VERY naughty.

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So you going to meet up there?

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Oh, I'm like a bee to honey.

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Like...a bee...to...

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..honey.

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THEY LAUGH

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HE HUMS

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-Cheerful for a cold November morning.

-Should joy await the spring?

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-Do I detect romance?

-Guilty as charged.

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I have a second date with the lovely Marina.

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-Ah, you old dog.

-Less of the old.

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So what is it, front row seats for the Pirates Of Penzance?

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Dinner at her place.

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Fast work. Well, just remember forewarned is forearmed.

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-Sorry?

-You know, something for the weekend.

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It's Monday.

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-It's what barbers used to say.

-I'm aware of the euphemism.

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It's a little early for talk of...

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-Contraception?

-The physical side.

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Heston, second date, her place. What do you think she's invited you there for?

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Dinner?

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Dinner is also a euphemism. Not a complete euphemism, but it's part of the same ritual.

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Unless she's a nun and lives in a priory, you're in.

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Am I?

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Believe me. She'll be waiting to pounce, the moment you walk through the door.

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Shouldn't it be the man who initiates?

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It's not 1953. Women know what they want.

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And in her case, it's you, big boy.

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-Gosh.

-If she does pounce, don't say gosh.

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There are certain words that don't belong in the sexual arena.

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I'm a little out of practice.

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OK, let her do the running.

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-It might surprise you, but some women like to be assertive.

-Daniel!

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Well?

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Well, perhaps it was a little excessive replacing the hose but...

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And? What else?

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Well, here it says there was shearing...

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-Hey, what's up?

-Ah, Doctor Clay. Second opinion please.

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-Er, yeah, it would have been cheaper to buy a new car.

-No kidding.

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BOTH: Hmm.

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I, er, I presume there is an issue.

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Mainly that these two are clueless.

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I know engines.

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You know they make things go. But do you know how?

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The secret of internal combustion.

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May I?

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Have you the bill of work?

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Now, this is scandalous. Half this work has not been done.

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Oil.

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-Oil.

-It's still leaking.

-Hmm.

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I would guess from the sump.

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Sump.

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In my assessment, not only have they not attempted the work they have charged you for,

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but they have also caused some damage.

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That's what I was going to say.

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-Really?

-Mmm.

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So what do YOU propose doing about it?

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I can see why she'd query this.

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-Really?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

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Well, not really knowing much about cars, let alone engines.

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Wayne?

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The lovely lady who this, er, gentlemen is lucky enough to be with

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still isn't happy with the work.

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-Well, you saw the seals.

-Oh, yeah, yeah. They were bad.

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Engine could have seized up any time.

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Imagine that happening on the M40.

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Especially the state your missus is in.

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Yeah, er, but the sump still seems to be leaking.

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I made sure it was topped up. It's a common mistake -

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you see oil and you assume there's a leak.

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Whole chamber's as tight as a drum.

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The way I see it is, er, well, mechanics is just like medicine.

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Diagnosis and then treatment.

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Prognosis.

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Exactly, yeah. You see that?

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-Uh-huh.

-I tell you what, Doctor Granger,

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I'd be so reassured coming to see someone like you.

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Yeah, I mean, you're professionalism just shines through.

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Thank you.

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No, no, I can see it. The same as style.

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Look come to the office, I've got something to show you.

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-No, I really shouldn't

-Put the kettle on, yeah.

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"Baby, we're both being singed by this heat between us,

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"so let's go upstairs and burn the place down."

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HE GRUNTS

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"Buddies to bed mates?"

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-Just doing a bit of research, it's...

-Which buddy are you planning to bed?

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Well it's not just about the, you know, the physical side

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Sex is part of a relationship.

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It's about...getting to that juncture.

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Who makes the first move?

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That delicate moment, yeah.

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I'm sure you'll know when it...arises.

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Er, is that pregnancy tea any good?

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Tastes disgusting, so I presume it's doing me some good.

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Must have been a real shock when you found out you were pregnant.

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-Actually, it was a pleasant surprise.

-Oh, so you sort of knew...

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If you're asking if it was an assisted pregnancy,

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then the answer is yes.

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Oh.

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So, is it your egg?

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My egg. Daniel's sperm. Our baby.

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Ah. So...

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Hey, nice one!

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What did they say? Did you get a refund?

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-Er, not a refund, as such.

-What are those?

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They're tickets.

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Race tickets to Letherbridge Circuit.

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Corporate box, lunch, the works.

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They fobbed you off, didn't they?

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-No.

-I knew I should have gone myself.

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-Maybe in your condition...

-My condition, what?

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-I was thinking of the stress.

-The only stress is dealing with the useless fraternity of men!

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-PHONE RINGS

-That's urgent, I better...

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I might have known he would give you the run around.

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-Is this a repair shop?

-The garage, yeah.

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-They're not accepting liability?

-The only liability is standing here.

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You don't understand how these things are done.

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These things? What things?

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Women have a tendency to...

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-ALL FEMALES:

-What?

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..jump the gun. You have to...

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What you need to do is get down there and call these people's bluff.

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-I intend to.

-You're hardly an expert on cars.

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No, but Mrs Tembe is.

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Yeah, er, it's a bit disappointing. I mean, I know the market is slow

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but I was hoping for something by now.

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Uh-huh. OK. Right, well, cheers. Thank you.

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Bye.

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News?

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Four viewings, no offers.

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-Someone will.

-They need to.

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Freya has got a date with someone called Bobbie.

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-Yeah?

-Do you think that she'll be a girly-girl

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or someone a bit more butch?

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Ah, I don't really know Freya's type.

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-If she likes girly-girls, would she fancy me?

-Why wouldn't she?

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And if she does fancy me, can we still be friends?

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Well, er, I'm deeply irresistible,

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however Simon did somehow manage to contain his desire for me.

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-People have tried though, haven't they?

-I am irresistible.

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-No, I mean with the same sex.

-Yeah, it happens.

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I've never been curious.

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-You?

-What?

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Have you ever...?

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-What been curious or tried it?

-Either?

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There was... There was this one guy

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KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.

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-Daniel, have you got a minute?

-Yeah.

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Er...

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I could do with a little bit of advice.

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-About women?

-Yes.

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Well, that's simple. Don't go near them.

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Don't even think about them. In fact, avoid at all costs.

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-I was hoping for something a bit more positive.

-I'm not in a very positive frame of mind.

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Well, you're experienced and I defer to experience.

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OK, what kind of advice can I give you?

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Proceed with caution. Enter at your own risk.

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Well, tonight, I was hoping to... initiate proceedings.

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OK, well, that's simple.

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After supper, put your napkin down

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and say, "Now I'd like to initiate proceedings."

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Ha-ha(!)

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Seduce her.

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How?

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When the moment's right

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-How will I know when the moment's right?

-It's instinct, man.

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Yes, but my instinct has been somewhat blunted by Lily.

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Bet that's not all she blunted.

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-Thank you.

-Sorry. You just have to wait for signs that she's ready.

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Such as?

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Well, when she starts doing something like, er, playing with her hair.

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-Curling it round her finger.

-"Playing..."

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You don't need to make notes.

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Can you show me?

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-What? You mean like role-play?

-Yeah, well, like rehearsal.

-OK.

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Er, you can, er, be Marina...

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-Do I have to be?

-Well, there's no point me being Marina.

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Could you be a bit more feminine?

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'He was kind and warm with a...'

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a deep kind of gentleness that pulled you in.

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One night we were there

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and I just, er, started noticing little things like...

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little lines at the corner of his eyes when he smiled

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and how he used to wave his arms about

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when he was talking expressively, you know, when he...

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when he was listened to you, just, er, touch his hair.

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So what happened?

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Well, er, I just, er...I said,

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"Greg, I'm not kissing you in the middle of this curry house."

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HE LAUGHS

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I believed you!

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-Like I said to your husband...

-Partner.

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Like I said to Daniel, the work was completely necessary.

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-I do not think so.

-Are you a mechanic?

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I have experience with cars.

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No, no, I don't mean just riding in them.

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I am proficient with most engine types.

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So, you have a lot of sports coupes where you're from?

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My colleague knows about cars.

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And she says that not only have you not done the work that you've charged for

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but you've also caused damage.

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Have you got any proof of that?

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Where would you like me to start?

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I'm a very busy man.

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So why don't you find something useful to do.

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Like shopping.

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You cannot just dismiss us like that.

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He just did, darling.

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We are not your darlings!

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You wouldn't believe...how long... I've waited for this moment

0:14:420:14:47

-What did you do that for?!

-I haven't given you the sign.

-You were pouting.

-Wasn't.

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-There was a definite vibe.

-No, I wasn't in the zone.

-Why not?

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Cos you weren't being attentive enough.

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If I stared any more into your eyes, I'd be communing with your ancestors.

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I was waiting for my gaze to drop to your lips.

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When a woman drops her gaze to your lips, it means she's looking for you to kiss her.

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-Really?

-Mmm. I've done extensive research.

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OK, let's do it again. This time, I'll wait for the sign

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OK.

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-Are you ready?

-Always.

0:15:160:15:18

Hi, we're closed for lunch.

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I'm not actually, er...

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If you want to register, you'll need to fill out a form.

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Er, OK.

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New box.

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So, what do you do when you're not being a nurse?

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I presume you are a nurse.

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Practice Nurse Cherry Malone. I just do the usual stuff.

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Going around being beautiful?

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Er, I'm not beautiful.

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Oh, yes you are.

0:15:530:15:55

-Finally, you've got the thing about lips?

-Yeah, she looks at my lips.

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-You start tonsil-tickling.

-I sweep her off her feet and carry her upstairs.

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-It's a bit Brief Encounter, isn't it?

-No, no, no, the point of Brief Encounter is they never actually...

0:16:050:16:10

-Oh, get jiggy?

-Jig...? You've not seen it, have you?

0:16:100:16:14

-No, I've seen Debbie Does Dallas...

-Yes, I bet you have.

0:16:140:16:17

Right, OK, so the man assumes dominance.

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-For the first and probably last time in the relationship.

-Let's not spoil it.

0:16:200:16:24

You've started the process, OK? So let her react.

0:16:240:16:28

OK. Right, bear with me.

0:16:280:16:30

Er, let, let's assume that we've kissed passionately

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-Assumption's good.

-I've kissed her...

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-Uh-huh.

-..and she is reacting. Passionately.

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Yeah. Hormones are raging.

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She says something to you like,

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"No-one has ever kissed me like that before

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-"I am going to give you the most sensuous...

-Oh, Marina.

0:16:460:16:49

-..the most erotic...

-Oh, yeah.

0:16:490:16:51

-..wildest night of your life.

-Oh, yes!

0:16:510:16:55

Elaine.

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I'm so sorry.

0:16:560:16:58

Er...

0:16:580:17:00

Er, I think that's everything.

0:17:000:17:02

Absolutely. Yeah. Up the Villa!

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We need evidence of criminal wrongdoing.

0:17:090:17:11

But it is immoral.

0:17:110:17:14

-We're not the morality police.

-Then what kind of police are you?

0:17:140:17:18

The kind that maintain law and order.

0:17:180:17:20

It's extortion.

0:17:200:17:21

Extortion is a very complicated crime.

0:17:210:17:23

-Unless you've got grounds for investigation...

-What grounds?

0:17:230:17:26

Evidence, suspicion, motive.

0:17:260:17:29

-Well, we suspect that they are defrauding their customers.

-And the motive is money.

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-As things stand...

-As things stand,

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-we'll have to find the evidence ourselves.

-I strongly advise against that.

0:17:360:17:39

Well, I feel a strong impulse to the contrary.

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SHE TUTS

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So, if you don't want an appointment why are you still here?

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I do want an appointment. With you.

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-That's just a challenge.

-No, it's a commitment.

0:17:520:17:55

I don't do commitments.

0:17:550:17:56

Bobbie?

0:17:570:17:59

-You all right?

-Yeah, are you all right?

0:18:030:18:08

Cherry, this is Bobbie.

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MUSIC: "Starsky And Hutch theme"

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CAMERA CLICKS

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Another unsatisfied customer.

0:18:330:18:35

-Looks like they ripped her off too.

-I cannot hear what you are saying with a mouthful of doughnuts.

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You're lucky it's not chips and ice-cream.

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Cravings can be controlled.

0:18:430:18:46

Do you think I want to eat 4,000 calories a day?

0:18:460:18:48

My body has been colonised.

0:18:480:18:50

There are consequences.

0:18:500:18:53

-That is the third one.

-What?

0:18:580:19:01

Car with foreign plates.

0:19:030:19:05

-How did you see that?

-Pregnancy doesn't make me myopic.

0:19:060:19:09

Oh, surely it is a repair shop.

0:19:100:19:13

And just today there's been a whole spate of foreign cars that need repairing?

0:19:130:19:17

-I should take a look.

-WE should.

0:19:200:19:22

Actually, I think in your condition...

0:19:220:19:24

If one more person mentions my condition!

0:19:240:19:27

-If you're going, I am.

-Very well.

0:19:270:19:29

MUSIC: "Starsky And Hutch theme"

0:19:290:19:32

But remember, stay close.

0:19:340:19:37

THEY LAUGH

0:19:410:19:43

Well, you make a lovely couple.

0:19:430:19:47

We're not joined at the hip, though. But, maybe sometimes.

0:19:470:19:50

Lovely!

0:19:520:19:53

PHONE RINGS

0:19:530:19:55

Hello.

0:19:570:19:58

That is really good news.

0:20:020:20:04

OK, I'll be home as soon as I can.

0:20:040:20:07

OK, bye.

0:20:070:20:08

Ooh, he's had an offer on the house!

0:20:080:20:11

Sounds like we've all got something to celebrate.

0:20:110:20:13

If you're up for it.

0:20:130:20:15

-Always.

-See you later, Cherry.

-Nice to meet you.

0:20:150:20:18

MUSIC: "Shaft theme"

0:20:210:20:24

-It looks like they are cutting and shutting.

-What?

0:20:380:20:41

Stripping stolen cars of their parts.

0:20:430:20:45

It is easier and much more profitable than trying to sell a whole car.

0:20:450:20:50

So we've caught them red-handed.

0:20:500:20:53

As they say in the police serials - bang to rights.

0:20:540:20:59

I'd postpone the celebrations if I were you.

0:21:020:21:05

SHE SIGHS

0:21:120:21:14

Hey, Freya's had a mystery man turn up.

0:21:160:21:19

And there was us thinking she bats for the other team.

0:21:190:21:22

Would it matter?

0:21:220:21:24

Oh, no, but Cherry said that they were all over each other

0:21:240:21:27

and they've just popped out.

0:21:270:21:30

Everyone's off on dates. Even Daniel and Heston. Together.

0:21:300:21:35

Probably some male bonding thing. I hope.

0:21:350:21:39

So does Rob ever romance you?

0:21:390:21:42

Er, er, yes, he brought some fish and chips home the other week

0:21:420:21:47

and we opened a bottle of red and watched a box set of Juliet Bravo.

0:21:470:21:51

Sounds romantic.

0:21:510:21:53

Well, yeah, yeah, if you like sitting there with someone saying,

0:21:530:21:56

"They never did that when I was at West Yorkshire," all night.

0:21:560:21:59

Ah, it was fine, it was just us.

0:21:590:22:02

-Yeah. Night.

-Night.

0:22:020:22:06

You can't deny it.

0:22:140:22:16

Cutting and shutting? No, no, we don't do that.

0:22:160:22:19

Though I do believe it's something the, er... Africans are quite keen on.

0:22:190:22:23

HE LAUGHS

0:22:230:22:24

We Africans mostly have respect for the law.

0:22:240:22:28

As do I.

0:22:280:22:30

Which is why all our vehicles have the full documentation.

0:22:300:22:33

Looks like you've been wasting your time. HE LAUGHS

0:22:330:22:37

It's really unfortunate that you've just seen that.

0:22:390:22:42

Well...we can say that we didn't see it.

0:22:420:22:47

No, no, I think you've been far too proactive for that. Wayne?

0:22:470:22:50

SHE SCREAMS

0:22:500:22:52

-Pull the other one, you dozy...!

-Can you not see her condition!

0:22:520:22:55

-Run!

-Oh!

0:22:550:22:57

Get her!

0:22:580:22:59

PHONE RINGS WITH THE THEME FROM THE SWEENEY

0:23:070:23:10

Zara.

0:23:110:23:13

You what?! Come on, guys, quick!

0:23:150:23:18

-Come on!

-Don't get in.

-Get out!

0:23:180:23:21

-Come on!

-Get off me! Careful, careful, careful!

0:23:210:23:25

Get the stuff out of here!

0:23:250:23:27

Let her go, or I will strike thee down with great vengeance

0:23:310:23:36

and furious anger!

0:23:360:23:39

-Oh, God!

-You are nuts!

0:23:390:23:42

No. I am Mrs Tembe!

0:23:420:23:46

-Police!

-Aah!

0:23:460:23:47

-How is the important business?

-All right! It's finished, yeah!

0:23:500:23:54

Get off!

0:23:540:23:55

Thank you.

0:23:580:24:00

Do I need to tell you two to never, ever to do that again?

0:24:020:24:06

Good.

0:24:090:24:10

Oh, and, unofficially...thanks.

0:24:110:24:14

Hope the pie wasn't too simple for you.

0:24:190:24:22

Oh, no, simplicity is difficult and you achieved that with elan.

0:24:220:24:27

You really are one of the most charming men.

0:24:270:24:31

-And you are one of the most...

-One of the most forceful...

0:24:310:24:35

No, no, no, I enjoy your zest.

0:24:350:24:38

Well, let's just hope you enjoy the sticky toffee pudding.

0:24:400:24:44

Marvellous.

0:24:440:24:46

Been a while since I've had sticky toffee pudding.

0:25:360:25:39

-Not too sticky?

-Oh, no.

0:25:390:25:42

Sure?

0:25:420:25:44

Lips.

0:25:440:25:45

Gorgeous lips.

0:25:470:25:48

GIGGLING

0:26:020:26:04

That...was...great. It's always great.

0:26:080:26:14

We could always do it more often.

0:26:150:26:18

-Are you trying to wear me out?

-I don't just mean sex.

0:26:180:26:23

You know, being together.

0:26:240:26:26

What like boyfriend and girlfriend?

0:26:260:26:29

Can you imagine?

0:26:290:26:31

Nature calls.

0:26:330:26:34

TOILET FLUSHES

0:26:480:26:50

He's got the stamina of a man in his 20s. He is absolutely rampant.

0:26:570:27:02

Whoa! Too much information.

0:27:020:27:03

Sick of being scared all the time.

0:27:030:27:05

That's the only way to be, the only way to stay strong.

0:27:050:27:08

See you later.

0:27:100:27:11

-Help!

-Get inside!

0:27:110:27:13

What are you doing with that?

0:27:160:27:18

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:230:27:26

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:260:27:29

When Zara is criminally overcharged by a local garage, she and Mrs Tembe team up as Letherbridge's very own 'Cagney and Lacey'!

Daniel offers Heston some advice on seduction whilst Freya prepares for a date of her own.


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