Tea and Sympathy Doctors

How long?

Has it happened again?

-Freddie!

-I'll make some coffee.

Patrick?

-Mum. Hi.

-Hey, what are you doing here?

The estate agent called to say there was a property I had to see so I wrangled some time off work.

-Are you here on your own?

-Yeah.

Well, Sally's working and Chloe's social calendar is as busy as always.

-You know how it is.

-You going to go back tonight?

-I wasn't planning to.

-I see.

So why didn't you call me to tell me you were coming?

I did. You weren't in.

-Patrick, you can do better than that.

-Mum, I left you a message.

I was planning to stay at yours, take you out for dinner.

Thank you.

Mum.

Mum, these are...

these are for you, Mum.

'Rob Hollins.'

Erm, I was just going through your clothes for dry cleaning.

You called to tell me that?

'A wife's allowed to speak to her husband, isn't she?'

Especially when he's planning to go out and get kayleyed.

I'm not. Big Dave's a new granddad

so we're going to wet the baby's head. I'll be back before ten.

Too late for us to go out.

I'll call round the Mill before I go and take you for a swift half.

'And they said romance was dead(!)'

You know that nice jacket that I got you for your birthday?

Were you wearing it yesterday?

Yeah.

To go fishing?

No...no...I didn't because something came up.

Erm...work. I had a meeting.

-Police business?

-Yeah, course it is.

-Right.

Erm...Mr Lorrimer's test results, you promised I'd have them today.

I'm sorry. I've got a lot on my mind at the moment.

-Of course! Your date with Marina.

-You've got a date...with a woman?

Seriously?

-Not looking forward to it?

-No, on the contrary. I'm just a bit out of practice.

One loses the knack. What to say, what to wear, where to go.

You're never short of things to say, Heston. Just be yourself.

If you want to be 100% she'll like the restaurant, get her to choose.

Wear what you feel comfortable in.

You reckon he should rock up in his cardi and favourite slippers?

-I'm thinking of wearing my paisley waistcoat, the one...

-Oh, man!

-What's wrong with that?

-It's a first date, right?

She'll want to feel you've gone that extra mile - made an effort.

-I'll go to my tailor's.

-Everything you need's on the high street.

Oh, surly assistants, loud music, very little choice!

-Hire a personal shoppers. Daniel does it.

-Cop out!

-So you could do better?

-Better than you, Miss Lumberjack.

-There you go - take Kevin shopping with you.

-I'm sure Heston...

-You told me you were free.

-Yeah...but...

-Sorted, then.

I'm perfectly capable of picking my own clothes, thank you very much.

Exactly. Just steer clear of the "fuddy-duddy" look.

I have a unique yet traditional sense of style, don't I, Jimmi?

Unique...yes. Got to go back to work.

What would I know?

-Stock reports.

-Thank you.

Oh, that's a great cafe. They do Danish to die for.

-Rob went yesterday.

-That's nice.

He told me it was, erm...a meeting.

He said it was police business.

Well, maybe they had the meeting there.

This is for a latte and a jasmine tea.

Coppers don't do jasmine.

First time I've seen you in civvies. Sharp(!)

-So what's the problem?

-There isn't one.

-Why are you here?

-It's the missus' idea. She's been giving me this.

I know what that's about. Sorry, there's no cure for that.

-What does the missus think is wrong with you?

-Nothing a few pills won't sort out.

-Trouble sleeping.

-Anything obvious?

You know how it goes. New house, new bed.

-New job?

-Job's fine.

You are doing night shifts and that can play havoc with sleep patterns.

Your body will soon adjust to it.

When did the trouble start? About the same time you started the probationary stint at the nick?

-Are you writing it down?

-Yeah. Anything else troubling you?

-What are you getting at?

-I'm doing what you guys do - scratching around for clues.

-About what?

About what's wrong with you.

Any neck ache? Palpitations? Do you feel on edge?

-You think it's my nerves? Do I look the nervy type?

-It's a tough job you do.

I'm a tough bloke, Doctor Clay.

Ninety over sixty. That's about as good as it gets.

So I can keep using the pill?

That's way above my pay scale(!) You'll have to ask Dr Carmichael about that.

I'm just here doing the donkeywork.

I'm sure it's all very interesting.

Yeah, it can be, I suppose. What do you do?

Sales assistant. Accessories. Handbags, mostly.

-I bet you get a nice staff discount?

-No perks, I'm afraid.

You've got to find yourself a nice man to spoil you rotten.

My Freddie can't afford the handbags we sell, not on a policeman's wages.

He's a copper? Letherbridge nick?

Snap! My old man's there. Rob Hollins.

You're Sergeant Hollins' wife?

Isn't it amazing we've not met at a party or something?

If you're through, I'm ready for you, Mrs Wright.

Isn't it a shame the wives aren't invited to Big Dave's knees-up?

-Sorry?

-This evening.

-Freddie never mentioned it.

-Oh.

I am running late.

-See you around.

-Sure to.

Thanks, boys.

We'd never have found this address without you to show us the way.

Here you are.

-How much did you give them?

-50 pence.

-Good investment.

Shows them we're not such a bad lot. They won't forget it.

-Who raised the alarm?

-Call logged by the milkman, Sarge.

It's a good job somebody noticed because the neighbours didn't.

Probably the old dear's gone on her holidays.

Probably. Or she's dead.

Found this on the table.

"No milk till Sunday. On holiday."

You had a phone call this morning.

Who was it?

A gentleman, he did not leave his name, asking you out to dinner.

He said he hoped that you would let him stay the night.

Mrs Parsons?!

It was my son.

Patrick, it's Mum.

I'm so sorry, I just got the message.

-Any luck?

-You tell me.

-You look exactly like you normally look.

-I haven't got a waistcoat remotely like this.

-Heston, this whole suit, tie, waistcoat thing isn't really what we're looking for.

-Isn't it?

-Think about it from Mary's point of view.

-Marina.

-Whatever, I know she's old...

-She's my age.

Exactly. But there's nothing old fashioned about her.

On a Friday night, she'll want to chill out, have some fun.

Now, sitting opposite her, what is it you think she'll want to see?

-You're going to have to tell me, Kevin.

-This!

Eh?

Or this, maybe?

How about this?

I wear cotton. This isn't.

-What is it?

-This, Heston, is cool.

-A few bottles of milk and there's us scared witless we'll find her stiff.

-I wasn't scared.

-No?

Ever been first at the scene when there's been a real corpse?

-Been dead long?

-Couple of weeks, they said.

Yeah? It's not very nice, is it?

Some of the stuff that we have to deal with...

some of the things we have to see, it's difficult to forget, isn't t?

-Stays with you up there, don't you find?

-No, Sarge.

You've never had nightmares?

It's understandable if you do. The stress we have to live with.

-Who says I'm stressed?

-We all are, son.

Are the others saying stuff about me?

Not that I've heard. Even if they were, who cares?

The day I start worrying about what people say in the canteen

is the day that I'll know I'm in the wrong job.

-Is that's what you think? I'm in the wrong job?

-Did I say that?

But, to be honest, I think you will struggle,

a lad like you, because you care too much, you worry.

Not like some of the Smart Alecs we get who don't give a monkey's,

who've never had a sleepless night in their lives.

-How do you know I'm not sleeping?

-I don't.

-It's Jimmi Clay.

-Jimmi Clay, what?

He's been on the blower having a good old gossip!

-I've not seen Jimmi Clay for days.

-Can I take my break, Sarge?

Freddie!

It's all gone through? Thank you very much.

Well, our work here is done.

-Don't you want to complete the makeover?

-Jacket, shirt, trousers - that's the lot.

-A mistake many blokes make.

-Really?

This is scientifically proven.

When a woman gives a man the once over, what's the first thing she looks at?

-His eyes?

-Lower.

-Smile?

-Lower.

Midriff?

Shoes, man!

Get them right and female synapses pop.

-Pop?

-Pop!

-Marina.

-Heston.

-You look, erm...extraordinary.

-Thank you.

It's good to chill.

Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find the place.

Lets just hope it turns out to be worth my while.

Hopefully my school boy French will be up to the menu(!)

Steak, new potatoes and seasonal veg.

-Think you'll get the gist of that?

-It's pretty straight forward.

It's really unpretentious here. It's brilliant food.

Heston...are you playing footsie?

Sorry! My shoes are a bit pointy. They're sticking out.

Heston, I wasn't complaining.

I'm sorry, the surgery closed at six.

-I want to see Doctor Clay now.

-Doctor Clay is currently not on the premises.

Your Practice Manager, then. I want to make a complaint.

Mrs Hollins. Your requisition list, I have not received it yet.

Erm...Monday, I promise. Can't stop.

I'm sorry, the Practice Manager will not be in until Monday.

-I'll leave her a message. You want to make a complaint, you say?

-Yes.

Against Doctor Clay?

Was that Mrs Rob Hollins?

-You're right about the food but I'm still getting used to the atmosphere.

-Oh, I really like it.

In Tuscany, there would be candlelight...

In Tuscany, the place would be rammed with loud American tourists.

-It's not everybody's cup of...

-Don't get me wrong, I adore Italy.

The men can be a bit frisky(!)

I was in Milan, and this Italian bloke was following me up the stairs of La Scala...

You've been to La Scala? I saw Placido there. Simon Boccanegra.

Isn't he something else?! I saw his Othello at Covent Garden.

Verdi? That's my favourite. Do you like...?

-Oh, but...

-You prefer Puccini? Mozart?

-You're going to despise me for this.

-I'd never do that.

My one guilty pleasure.

One of many(!)

I love Rodgers and Hammerstein and Irving Berlin.

Hollywood musicals?

-You don't like them?

-No, no, no! Carousel.

-Singing in the Rain.

-Annie Get Your Gun.

-Easter Parade.

Easter Parade(!)

# We're a couple of swells, we stop at the best hotels

BOTH: # But we prefer the country far away from the city smells

# We're a couple of sports, the pride of the tennis courts

# In June, July and August we look cute

# When we're dressed in shorts. #

I'm making an idiot of myself.

No, Heston...you're just chilling!

Sorry I'm so late! Staff training.

Oh, Freddie.

Rob Hollins reckons I'm not cut out for the police.

That I should jack it all in.

Did he say that?

He didn't have to.

I'm sure it's not what he really thinks.

Tell me what happened.

I'm only trying to help, Freddie.

You can.

How? Just tell me.

You can write something.

A letter.

Tell them I'm resigning.

You can't.

I have to.

If there was something else you wanted to do

I'd say make a fresh start, but...

I know there's only one job you've ever wanted.

You've had a bad day.

We all have them.

Tell you what.

Why don't you go and get us a DVD...

you choose...and a bottle of wine.

And in the morning things won't look nearly so bad, will they?

If that's what you want.

Do not shoot the messenger.

He had the barefaced cheek to accuse me of reading his notes

and then telling Rob!

-You told Julia?

-No, but I will have to on Monday.

I thought it was my Christian duty to inform you, so you have time to reflect on what has happened.

Stew in my own juices, is that what you mean?

Rob's going to deal with this.

I hope you do not mean he's going to pull rank and try to hush things up?

There's nothing to hush up!

No,

you're right.

I'll deal with this myself.

Shall I put the kettle on?

I've now got nineteen Marys.

-Nineteen!

-I know.

-The stable's going to be like a maternity ward.

-Oh, you'll cope.

I know you'll cope because you, Patrick McGuire, are a wonderful teacher.

I just enjoy being with kids.

I know, and it shows.

That's why it's such a joy to be with Chloe

because she's got a dad that encourages her to grow and blossom.

So, I don't always screw up, then?

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Karen! Is there a problem with my blood test?

No. The only problem is with your husband. Where is he?

He's gone out.

Well, I'll wait.

# I'm looking for trouble

# And I don't care... #

42nd Street?

# What people say... #

An American in Paris?

# It doesn't matter what the people say

# People say... #

The French Line!

-With Jane Russell!

-Yes!

Do you remember her in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes?

-Oh, yeah.

-With Marilyn Monroe. Hey, I bet you're a Monroe fan.

Bus Stop, Some Like It Hot...

The Seven Year Itch.

Heston,

are you feeling uncomfortable?

No, no. I'm fine.

I think I'd better just go...

-It's just through the door.

-You'll excuse me.

I'm sure it's all a simple misunderstanding.

He should have spoken to me, instead of going snitching to my boss.

He's not like that. Not usually, honestly, Karen.

But he's not thinking straight.

He does have a lot on his mind at the moment.

Is he really ill? What's the matter with him?

I don't know.

When I try and talk to him about it, he just clams up.

Jasmine tea.

My favourite.

You were with my husband yesterday afternoon.

Oh, I knew it.

Oh, hi, Patrick.

-Heston?

-Urticaria!

It's the man-made fibres in this thing.

No, I can't wear it any longer.

I've had enough.

Hold on, you might have to, mightn't you?

You can't exactly go out there without it.

I made Sergeant Hollins promise to keep it a secret.

Don't blame him. He's not done anything wrong, honestly.

He's a good man.

He has his moments.

Freddie's always going on about him.

"Sarge said this, Sarge did that".

So I thought if anyone could get through to Freddie, he could.

I was desperate.

I phoned him... got him to meet me...

asked him to try to get Freddie to tell him what was wrong.

You'd have been better off asking one of our doctors.

No.

I think it's the job. It's killing him, Karen.

I don't think it's that bad.

He can't sleep and when he does, he has nightmares.

He doesn't eat. I can't remember the last time I heard him laugh.

He's going to pieces and there's nothing I can do about it.

And I bet he won't admit it. They're all the same.

They're all terrified their mates will think they can't hack it.

That won't be a problem for Freddie much longer.

He says he's going to pack it in.

And you're just going to let him throw it all away?

I don't care what he does, Karen,

as long as I get my old Freddie back.

Your shirt?

Oh, I dropped some sauce down the front, so I changed it.

You always bring a change of clothes to a restaurant?

-Yeah, doesn't everyone?

-HE MOUTHS

Thanks, Karen.

You get that. I'll see myself out.

You!

Before you go off on one, I didn't speak to Rob.

-I didn't know you were a copper. I didn't even know you were one of our patients.

-Somebody spoke to him!

Yes, well, maybe it was someone who cares more about you than I do?

She's only trying to help you sort yourself out.

Well, I've done that.

Oh, yeah, right. You're quitting.

It's a good idea. Get out while you're still young. Try your hand at something else.

Yeah.

A nice office.

Cushy nine-to-five.

Why anybody in their right minds wants to do nights?

-Don't mind nights.

-But for the money you guys get!

And the hassle! And the paperwork...

You didn't become a copper to tick boxes, did you?

No.

Why did you, Freddie?

-You like to throw your weight around a bit?

-No!

-Car chases?

-I don't have to listen to this.

-Or was it because you thought you could do some good?

-What's wrong with that?

You tell me. You're the one who's quitting.

Because I am rubbish at it!

How long you been in the force?

Ten minutes?

You're bound to know nothing.

Not yet! And you're going to make mistakes again and again.

And you will be terrified every shift thinking you're going to screw up.

-Your old man doesn't.

-You think?

Sarge? He always looks like nothing bothers him.

The stress is still there. He's just got ways of getting on top of it.

How?

Fishing.

And then,

if things get really bad he talks to me. That's what marriage is about,

being able to whinge at someone once in a while.

She'll only worry if I do.

She'll worry more if you don't.

I kid you not, semi naked,

-begging me for the shirt off my back.

-That's ridiculous!

Yeah. As ridiculous as claiming I'd phoned and left a message.

-Patrick, I'm really sorry.

-I don't blame you for suspecting the worst.

-I don't think I did.

-Mum, I know what you went through. Doing your damnedest to play Happy Families,

making excuses for him,

pretending nothing was wrong when I know it was.

It's just that you were... you were just a kid, Patrick.

And I just couldn't bear the thought of Chloe having to go through

-what Mac and I put you through.

-Mum, she never will. Ever.

Look, um...

The last time I was up here.

No, that was then.

Let's just forget that it ever happened.

But it did happen, Mum.

My moment of madness.

Unforgivable, perhaps,

but it could have been worse.

-It could have been much worse if it wasn't for the accident.

-Don't remind me.

I'm lucky.

How are you lucky?

Better to write off a car than a marriage.

Yeah, I'll drink to that.

Oh, and thank you for the flowers, by the way. They're gorgeous.

That letter you were going to help me write...

Yeah?

No need to now.

You're not resigning?

Nah.

There was this locked house...

We thought there was a body inside.

That must have been creepy.

So what happened?

Have you ever met Freddie Wright's wife?

I don't know. I usually get to meet the spouses...

one way or another.

That's jasmine.

It's Tanya Wright's favourite.

I thought I might invite those two over next week for dinner.

I think Freddie, well, he'd appreciate a long chat with you.

Really?

It would just be shop talk.

You'd be bored rigid.

No, I'll have Tanya.

We can discuss my new handbag.

What new handbag?

The one you're going to buy me for lying about going fishing yesterday.

That was lovely, Marina.

I hope the evening lived up to your expectations.

To be honest, Heston, I thought you were going to be a tad pompous

and that the evening would be a bit...

But you weren't and it wasn't.

Well, the food was excellent and the wine was more than drinkable.

-And the company?

-Better than I deserved.

-So, fingers crossed, you'll enjoy it even more next time.

-If there is a next time.

-Do you want there to be a next time?

-I do.

-You're going to be bringing a selection of shirts?

-Quite possibly.

-And a bow tie?

-Oh, no.

I know what you think of bow ties.

That I'm strangely fascinated by them?

And the men who wear them...

Bobbie.

Who's Bobbie?

A friend...

..with extras.

My colleague knows about cars.

She says not only have you not done the work you've charged for,

but you've also caused damage.

Have you got any proof of that?

Where would you like me to start?

Women know what they want.

In her case, it's you, big boy.

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