Cuckoo Doctors

# The wheels on the bus go round and round

# Round and round

# Round and round

# The wheels on the bus go round and round

# All day long. #

Well done, everybody!

I tell you what, it's the breast-feeding that plays havoc.

My nipples are agony.

Yeah.

Just...sore.

Anyway, the children really enjoy their singing, don't they?

Wait!

I'm really sorry about that. It's just that I'm used to it being just us girls.

I didn't mean to embarrass you.

-You didn't.

-Sorry, anyway.

So, you live just round the corner?

Yeah.

Some of the other mums... parents are staying till lunch.

You're very welcome to join us.

Thanks, but I can't.

I've got to go.

No problem. We'll see you back next week?

Zara.

You were supposed to pick me up from the airport.

I've been being sick all morning.

I think I deserve a bit more than a text saying "not coming".

You're lucky I got out the bathroom long enough to find my phone.

You OK?

Morning sickness. All your fault.

And the baby?

I didn't throw the baby up.

It just felt like it.

Seeing as it's just morning sickness, can I have a little smile?

Kiss?

Sorry.

I come bearing gifts. For you and baby.

Oh! Oh!

That is better.

So, what did you bring the baby?

What?

Zara!

-Well?

-Wow.

Do you think they're a little bit extravagant?

But they're so cute.

Do you like?

Yeah, I like, yeah.

Hmm. Maybe they're a little bit over the top, do you think so?

Er...

W...

I don't if you don't.

Right, I have to go and check my blood sugar levels.

Why?

Look, there's a date.

I know!

-It's blue!

-For a boy.

-How many parents have you met,

certain they're having a boy because of how it kicked

or it was conceived on a Thursday or they crave porridge and Marmite

and thought, "These people are delusional!"?

I take it you've told no-one else. Apart from Kevin.

If Cherry doesn't suspect,

then she is dumber than a gnat that all other gnats laugh at.

But the others. Today?

Do we have to?

-You're showing a little.

-No!

-We have to tell them sometime.

-Tomorrow?

It'll give me time to have laminated cards made with answers

to all the idiotic questions I'm going to be bombarded with.

You'd think they'd be past the 'where do babies come from' stage,

but I wouldn't bet on it.

BABY CRIES

So he was premature?

Three weeks. He cries.

He cries all the time.

Except when I take him in the car. He sleeps then.

Whatever works.

-I'm worried there might be something wrong with him.

-Oh, I see.

-What, have you found something?

-No, no.

Is he your first?

Yeah.

-When did you move up here?

-A month after he was born.

Breast or bottle?

First couple of months he was breast.

When his mum went back to work, we switched him to bottle.

Is he on solid foods?

Just. He never seems to eat enough.

That's when the crying really kicked off big time.

It's like he's always hungry, but when I try to get him to eat, he just won't...

Oh, I think he's OK. His weight is fine, his health is fine.

Stop fretting! You're actually doing OK.

There we are.

Are you OK?

Me? Yeah, course.

At the end of the day, I just want to gather everyone together.

-It's no big deal, but if you could just help shepherd people.

-Of course. They will want to know why.

I've just got some news. That's all. Happy news.

Nurse Malone wishes to see us all at the end of the day.

-She has something she wishes to tell us.

-Really?

Could you take care of those, please?

I wonder if she is pregnant.

Out of wedlock.

And on what planet is that any of your business?

Marks out of ten?

How do you enjoying being a stay-at-home dad?

Sometimes it's great.

Sometimes it's like being an animal in a zoo.

Anyway...

..it's not about me, it's about Shaun.

Are you sure he's in good nick?

Babies cry. It's nothing to worry about.

Daniel! Welcome back.

-How was the healthcare in Greece?

-Warmer.

Even though they have less money than we have,

but Mum's got health insurance, so that's OK.

I think I'd rather talk work than somebody else's holiday.

Ah, Zara. Actually, Heston and I have been talking,

and now Daniel's back we can discuss it with him.

We were considering making you prescribing lead,

-with responsibility for budgets.

-I'd run the budget?

Not overview or supervise?

Yes. Obviously, you'd report to the other partners,

but you'd have autonomy.

And we'd adjust your patient load.

You'd have extra hours at the end of the financial year.

March, April, May. But apart from that...

I can't.

Really? Why not?

Because next March...

I'm going to be on maternity leave.

Oh!

Oh, Zara!

-Oh my goodness, congratulations.

-Congratulations.

Oh, no, don't. It's bad enough getting morning sickness without crying as well!

I despair of our chances of finding a properly chilled bottle at this time,

but it calls for champagne!

No. We want to keep this under our hats, please.

We haven't told anybody. We want to do it quietly, no fuss.

Of course.

It'd cheer everybody up.

Oh, joy. I'm going to be the entertainment(!)

-Come on then. Let's get on with it.

-See you.

Daniel, if I start crying again today.

you need to just smack me in the face, or pour water on me,

do anything to stop it.

Oh, Zara.

When's your due date?

Julia, Karen,

Heston, Mrs Tembe,

Elaine, Freya,

Kevin,

Daniel and Zara.

Yeah!

Yes, a table for two, my usual one in the corner.

-That's right, that's the one.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, hang on.

Can I phone you right back? I'll be one minute. Come in.

Marina, thank you so much for coming.

Have a seat, please.

What can I do for you?

I've been thinking...

Oh, good!

..and I wanted to ask you something.

-Yes?

-Depending, of course, how you feel.

Well, try me.

I'd like you to have a word with a patient of mine.

He came in with a baby. There's nothing wrong with it.

He's being rather neurotic. I think he could do with some hand holding.

Hand holding. Is that what you think I do?

No, of course not.

Tomas Graves.

The baby is absolutely fine, no temperature, nothing like that. I thought you could..

You sure there's nothing else you want to ask me?

The address is on the top there.

I'll see what I can do.

Yes?

Just to let you know, we're telling people about the baby today.

Oh, that's great!

It is, isn't it?

Of course. Daniel knows that you know.

-Good.

-But you do not tell him how you know.

On pain of death.

In fact, on pain of a fate that would make death seem

like a lovely warm bank holiday sunning yourself at a barbie

with your very best friends. If you have any.

-Understood?

-Yes?

Good answer.

You will need to sign here and here.

-You got a minute?

-Yeah.

Don't rush.

It's good news. Zara's pregnant.

Congratulations!

You will be getting married, of course.

Don't worry, Mrs Tembe, you'll be the first to know.

Even before Zara.

In fact, are you licensed to perform weddings?

Shame.

-Congratulations, mate! To both of you.

-Thank you.

-Who thought you had it in you?

-Oi!

So it's going to be lots of sleepless nights,

puke on the shoulder...

-And that's just Zara.

-When are we celebrating?

-We'll sort something out. I've got to tell everyone else.

-See you later.

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, hi.

-Hi. Sorry, it's just I saw the baby was asleep in the car.

-Oh, yeah.

It's OK, I left him there.

-If something had happened...

-If something had happened what?

You've never left your baby asleep in the car?

No!

Well, nothing happened. Right?

What is this, the mum police?

You think cos I'm a bloke I can't look after my son?

No. Of course not. I was just thinking about the baby.

I can look after him. All right?

Yes. I...I guess.

-Look, I was only trying to help.

-Thanks for your concern.

BABY CRIES

-That is wonderful news.

-Wow!

I mean, yes! It's wonderful news.

-So, when are you due?

-March.

-March the what?

-24th.

So, Daniel and I just wanted to let you know.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm...I'm fine.

Thank you very much. We'll see you next month, yes?

Thank you, doctor.

OK? What's happened?

Daniel and Zara are having a baby.

Yeah, he just told me.

You don't want one too, do you?

No.

Not yet.

I'm really happy for them.

Yeah, me too.

She's due on the 24th March.

That was supposed to be our special day, Jimmi. Now she's stolen it.

You can't blame Zara. She couldn't have known...

It's ruined.

How many babies actually arrive on their due date?

That's not the point, Jimmi.

Who'll be your best man? It can't be Daniel.

Not now he's going to be otherwise engaged.

That was meant to be our special day. Now it's all turned to...

BABY CRIES

RADIO PLAYS

BABY CRIES

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi. Can I help you?

Hello, I'm Marina Bonaire, your health visitor.

Oh, right. Hello. Is there something wrong?

No, everything's fine. I just wondered how you were getting on.

Fine, why?

BABY CRIES

You think I can't manage?

Oh, not at all.

Can I come in?

You're an angel, aren't you?

Yes, you are. He's gorgeous, isn't he?

How do you do that?

All he does for me is cry.

A lot of babies do that. Most of the time it's perfectly normal.

But sometimes it isn't.

Very, very rarely.

I just get nothing back from him, you know? And sometimes, I...

When was the last time you had a really good night's sleep?

Days? Weeks?

Weeks, probably.

My wife, well, she has to work the next day.

So most nights she sleeps in the spare room

because he just wakes up and cries.

Young babies are such hard work.

You're telling me.

Back in London I was a fireman.

I thought that was hard work.

Are you enjoying it? Spending so much time with the baby?

Yeah.

You don't sound too sure.

I loved my job.

And I gave it up because I thought this would be more rewarding.

And it isn't?

Oh, don't worry. It will be.

Once Shaun gets a bit older.

I was hoping you could do something now.

Tommy, the baby's in great health.

But what I think is, you need a little bit of help with your parenting skills.

Oh.

Right. Yeah.

-Cos I'm a dad, and I don't know what I'm doing.

-Not at all.

You're doing great. None of us are born experts.

-Yeah, especially if you're a bloke!

-Tommy.

-Well, would you be saying this to me if I was a woman?

-Mum or dad.

It makes no difference to me.

Look, what is important is that the baby's looked after and loved.

So you think there's nothing wrong with him? Like the doctor?

I mean, I think something's not right. But what do I know, eh?

The baby's doing great. There really is nothing to worry about.

Yeah, thanks.

Tommy, you've got my card.

Just call me, yeah? If you need any help at all.

It's what I'm there for.

Jimmi.

I've had a look at the calendar, and there is a plan B.

Valentine's Day.

It's a Tuesday.

But I can deal with that.

We'll have to pull our fingers out, but we can do it.

So?

Sometimes, you make me so proud of you.

Are you taking the...?

No, seriously.

Yes, Valentine's Day.

Whatever we need to do to make it happen.

-Aren't they sweet?

-Erm, yes, yes.

-I need to talk to you.

-Right.

BABY CRIES All right, Shaunie, come on.

Shhh. Shhh.

Awww, come on. Come on, shhh.

# Rock a bye baby

# On the tree top... #

Come on.

# When the wind blows the cradle... #

Why don't we go outside, eh? Yeah?

Come on.

Come on.

See, there you go!

Eh? That's it.

Shhh.

Come on, Shaunie, for Daddy, eh?

Stop crying.

That's it.

Shhh, Shaunie, come on. Please?

Shhh.

Please stop crying!

Please stop crying!

Stop crying!

There's something about it that concerns me.

I can't quite put my finger on it. The baby is absolutely fine.

-Prevention is better than cure.

-Preventing what?

Postnatal depression.

Men don't get postnatal depression.

Heston, I'm shocked.

I never thought you'd be so blinkered.

Oh, come on.

The hormonal issues are specific to women,

but isolation, exhaustion...the man's had a total lifestyle change.

I want you to come with me and talk to him.

-Heston, I can't make the diagnosis on my own.

-I'm very busy.

I've got a patient coming.

No, you haven't. I checked.

Cherry wants us all around later.

Does my judgement mean nothing to you?

Let's hope he's still in.

-Forget he's a bloke. Think "mum". He's a mum.

-Well, he's...

Yes?

I know you think that we're not listening to you.

But, believe me, we are.

And we'll continue to. But you have to listen to us, as well.

-Marina.

-Nothing prepares you for the shock of having a baby.

-No, er...

There's no shame in finding the whole thing completely overwhelming.

-Really?

-Marina, I think maybe...

-You have to listen to Doctor Carter.

-Yes, yes...

He's here to help with you and the baby, and sometimes

I think it's fair to say, it takes a village to raise a child.

What?!

Marina, can you just shut up for a minute?

And can you look after the baby for half an hour?

Yes, of course. Where's the baby?

Sleeping in the bedroom upstairs.

Tommy, get your coat.

BABY GURGLES

-There we go.

-Cheers.

It's been too long.

You know, this place is my local and I've never even been.

-So, how are you coping?

-I could be doing better, I suppose.

Right.

I mean, Louisa knew people in her new office.

I don't know anyone.

I've gone from being a fireman,

you know, good mates to...

It's just me and Shaun all the time.

I swear if I have to sing another kids' song, I...

There's moments...

I think things.

Stuff appears in my head.

Dark stuff, you know?

I don't do anything about it.

Marina thinks you might be depressed.

Now, this can be dealt with.

You're not going to bite my head off?

No.

You just bought me a pint.

She's not bad, really.

She never shuts up.

Every silver lining has a cloud.

Look, can I come into the surgery and sort this out?

Yes, yes.

I've taken up enough of your pub time talking shop.

So, do you follow the football?

No.

-Cricket.

-Yeah, I like cricket.

So, what do you reckon about England?

Well, now we could be here all day!

Is Nurse Malone coming to make her announcement?

Everyone, Nurse Malone has something she wishes to tell us.

Erm...

You know what, it's really not that important.

OK, well, since you're nearly all here,

Zara and I would like to take you all out for a drink this evening

to celebrate our good news.

You two coming?

-Erm...not sure...

-Of course we are.

-Yeah.

Actually, I've got something for you.

It's just a little something.

Don't want you to go forgetting.

Thanks.

I'll make it up to you.

-I think I've made a terrible mistake.

-It wasn't a mistake.

It was so rude.

No, the other day, I made a mistake.

What?

When you were asking me out on a...

-On a date?

-Yes.

What?

I made a mistake.

And...?

Dinner, tonight?

No.

OK.

Tomorrow night.

All those fireworks going off...

I might need a big strong man

to keep me safe.

I bet the old dear has just gone on her holidays.

Or she's dead.

I wear cotton. This isn't. What is it?

This, Heston, is cool.

Rob Hollins reckon I'm not cut out for the police.

I should jack it all in.

Karen. Is there a problem with my blood test?

No, the only problem is with your husband. Where is he?

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