Cuckoo Doctors


Cuckoo

Heston and Marina work together to help a stressed stay-at-home dad who has been driven to desperate measures. Meanwhile, Zara threatens to steal Cherry's thunder.


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Transcript


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# The wheels on the bus go round and round

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# Round and round

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# Round and round

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# The wheels on the bus go round and round

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# All day long. #

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Well done, everybody!

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I tell you what, it's the breast-feeding that plays havoc.

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My nipples are agony.

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Yeah.

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Just...sore.

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Anyway, the children really enjoy their singing, don't they?

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Wait!

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I'm really sorry about that. It's just that I'm used to it being just us girls.

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I didn't mean to embarrass you.

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-You didn't.

-Sorry, anyway.

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So, you live just round the corner?

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Yeah.

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Some of the other mums... parents are staying till lunch.

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You're very welcome to join us.

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Thanks, but I can't.

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I've got to go.

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No problem. We'll see you back next week?

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Zara.

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You were supposed to pick me up from the airport.

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I've been being sick all morning.

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I think I deserve a bit more than a text saying "not coming".

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You're lucky I got out the bathroom long enough to find my phone.

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You OK?

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Morning sickness. All your fault.

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And the baby?

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I didn't throw the baby up.

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It just felt like it.

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Seeing as it's just morning sickness, can I have a little smile?

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Kiss?

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Sorry.

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I come bearing gifts. For you and baby.

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Oh! Oh!

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That is better.

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So, what did you bring the baby?

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What?

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Zara!

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-Well?

-Wow.

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Do you think they're a little bit extravagant?

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But they're so cute.

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Do you like?

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Yeah, I like, yeah.

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Hmm. Maybe they're a little bit over the top, do you think so?

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Er...

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W...

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I don't if you don't.

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Right, I have to go and check my blood sugar levels.

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Why?

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Look, there's a date.

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I know!

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-It's blue!

-For a boy.

-How many parents have you met,

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certain they're having a boy because of how it kicked

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or it was conceived on a Thursday or they crave porridge and Marmite

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and thought, "These people are delusional!"?

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I take it you've told no-one else. Apart from Kevin.

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If Cherry doesn't suspect,

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then she is dumber than a gnat that all other gnats laugh at.

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But the others. Today?

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Do we have to?

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-You're showing a little.

-No!

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-We have to tell them sometime.

-Tomorrow?

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It'll give me time to have laminated cards made with answers

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to all the idiotic questions I'm going to be bombarded with.

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You'd think they'd be past the 'where do babies come from' stage,

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but I wouldn't bet on it.

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BABY CRIES

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So he was premature?

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Three weeks. He cries.

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He cries all the time.

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Except when I take him in the car. He sleeps then.

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Whatever works.

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-I'm worried there might be something wrong with him.

-Oh, I see.

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-What, have you found something?

-No, no.

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Is he your first?

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Yeah.

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-When did you move up here?

-A month after he was born.

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Breast or bottle?

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First couple of months he was breast.

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When his mum went back to work, we switched him to bottle.

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Is he on solid foods?

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Just. He never seems to eat enough.

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That's when the crying really kicked off big time.

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It's like he's always hungry, but when I try to get him to eat, he just won't...

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Oh, I think he's OK. His weight is fine, his health is fine.

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Stop fretting! You're actually doing OK.

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There we are.

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Are you OK?

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Me? Yeah, course.

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At the end of the day, I just want to gather everyone together.

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-It's no big deal, but if you could just help shepherd people.

-Of course. They will want to know why.

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I've just got some news. That's all. Happy news.

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Nurse Malone wishes to see us all at the end of the day.

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-She has something she wishes to tell us.

-Really?

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Could you take care of those, please?

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I wonder if she is pregnant.

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Out of wedlock.

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And on what planet is that any of your business?

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Marks out of ten?

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How do you enjoying being a stay-at-home dad?

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Sometimes it's great.

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Sometimes it's like being an animal in a zoo.

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Anyway...

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..it's not about me, it's about Shaun.

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Are you sure he's in good nick?

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Babies cry. It's nothing to worry about.

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Daniel! Welcome back.

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-How was the healthcare in Greece?

-Warmer.

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Even though they have less money than we have,

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but Mum's got health insurance, so that's OK.

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I think I'd rather talk work than somebody else's holiday.

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Ah, Zara. Actually, Heston and I have been talking,

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and now Daniel's back we can discuss it with him.

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We were considering making you prescribing lead,

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-with responsibility for budgets.

-I'd run the budget?

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Not overview or supervise?

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Yes. Obviously, you'd report to the other partners,

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but you'd have autonomy.

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And we'd adjust your patient load.

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You'd have extra hours at the end of the financial year.

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March, April, May. But apart from that...

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I can't.

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Really? Why not?

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Because next March...

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I'm going to be on maternity leave.

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Oh!

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Oh, Zara!

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-Oh my goodness, congratulations.

-Congratulations.

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Oh, no, don't. It's bad enough getting morning sickness without crying as well!

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I despair of our chances of finding a properly chilled bottle at this time,

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but it calls for champagne!

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No. We want to keep this under our hats, please.

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We haven't told anybody. We want to do it quietly, no fuss.

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Of course.

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It'd cheer everybody up.

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Oh, joy. I'm going to be the entertainment(!)

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-Come on then. Let's get on with it.

-See you.

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Daniel, if I start crying again today.

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you need to just smack me in the face, or pour water on me,

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do anything to stop it.

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Oh, Zara.

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When's your due date?

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Julia, Karen,

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Heston, Mrs Tembe,

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Elaine, Freya,

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Kevin,

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Daniel and Zara.

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Yeah!

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Yes, a table for two, my usual one in the corner.

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-That's right, that's the one.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

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Oh, hang on.

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Can I phone you right back? I'll be one minute. Come in.

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Marina, thank you so much for coming.

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Have a seat, please.

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What can I do for you?

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I've been thinking...

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Oh, good!

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..and I wanted to ask you something.

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-Yes?

-Depending, of course, how you feel.

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Well, try me.

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I'd like you to have a word with a patient of mine.

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He came in with a baby. There's nothing wrong with it.

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He's being rather neurotic. I think he could do with some hand holding.

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Hand holding. Is that what you think I do?

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No, of course not.

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Tomas Graves.

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The baby is absolutely fine, no temperature, nothing like that. I thought you could..

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You sure there's nothing else you want to ask me?

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The address is on the top there.

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I'll see what I can do.

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Yes?

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Just to let you know, we're telling people about the baby today.

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Oh, that's great!

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It is, isn't it?

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Of course. Daniel knows that you know.

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-Good.

-But you do not tell him how you know.

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On pain of death.

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In fact, on pain of a fate that would make death seem

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like a lovely warm bank holiday sunning yourself at a barbie

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with your very best friends. If you have any.

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-Understood?

-Yes?

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Good answer.

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You will need to sign here and here.

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-You got a minute?

-Yeah.

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Don't rush.

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It's good news. Zara's pregnant.

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Congratulations!

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You will be getting married, of course.

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Don't worry, Mrs Tembe, you'll be the first to know.

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Even before Zara.

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In fact, are you licensed to perform weddings?

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Shame.

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-Congratulations, mate! To both of you.

-Thank you.

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-Who thought you had it in you?

-Oi!

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So it's going to be lots of sleepless nights,

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puke on the shoulder...

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-And that's just Zara.

-When are we celebrating?

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-We'll sort something out. I've got to tell everyone else.

-See you later.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Oh, hi.

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-Hi. Sorry, it's just I saw the baby was asleep in the car.

-Oh, yeah.

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It's OK, I left him there.

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-If something had happened...

-If something had happened what?

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You've never left your baby asleep in the car?

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No!

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Well, nothing happened. Right?

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What is this, the mum police?

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You think cos I'm a bloke I can't look after my son?

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No. Of course not. I was just thinking about the baby.

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I can look after him. All right?

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Yes. I...I guess.

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-Look, I was only trying to help.

-Thanks for your concern.

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BABY CRIES

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-That is wonderful news.

-Wow!

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I mean, yes! It's wonderful news.

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-So, when are you due?

-March.

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-March the what?

-24th.

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So, Daniel and I just wanted to let you know.

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You all right?

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Yeah, I'm...I'm fine.

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Thank you very much. We'll see you next month, yes?

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Thank you, doctor.

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OK? What's happened?

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Daniel and Zara are having a baby.

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Yeah, he just told me.

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You don't want one too, do you?

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No.

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Not yet.

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I'm really happy for them.

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Yeah, me too.

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She's due on the 24th March.

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That was supposed to be our special day, Jimmi. Now she's stolen it.

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You can't blame Zara. She couldn't have known...

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It's ruined.

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How many babies actually arrive on their due date?

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That's not the point, Jimmi.

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Who'll be your best man? It can't be Daniel.

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Not now he's going to be otherwise engaged.

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That was meant to be our special day. Now it's all turned to...

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BABY CRIES

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RADIO PLAYS

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BABY CRIES

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hi. Can I help you?

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Hello, I'm Marina Bonaire, your health visitor.

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Oh, right. Hello. Is there something wrong?

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No, everything's fine. I just wondered how you were getting on.

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Fine, why?

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BABY CRIES

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You think I can't manage?

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Oh, not at all.

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Can I come in?

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You're an angel, aren't you?

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Yes, you are. He's gorgeous, isn't he?

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How do you do that?

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All he does for me is cry.

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A lot of babies do that. Most of the time it's perfectly normal.

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But sometimes it isn't.

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Very, very rarely.

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I just get nothing back from him, you know? And sometimes, I...

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When was the last time you had a really good night's sleep?

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Days? Weeks?

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Weeks, probably.

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My wife, well, she has to work the next day.

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So most nights she sleeps in the spare room

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because he just wakes up and cries.

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Young babies are such hard work.

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You're telling me.

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Back in London I was a fireman.

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I thought that was hard work.

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Are you enjoying it? Spending so much time with the baby?

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Yeah.

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You don't sound too sure.

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I loved my job.

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And I gave it up because I thought this would be more rewarding.

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And it isn't?

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Oh, don't worry. It will be.

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Once Shaun gets a bit older.

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I was hoping you could do something now.

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Tommy, the baby's in great health.

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But what I think is, you need a little bit of help with your parenting skills.

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Oh.

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Right. Yeah.

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-Cos I'm a dad, and I don't know what I'm doing.

-Not at all.

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You're doing great. None of us are born experts.

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-Yeah, especially if you're a bloke!

-Tommy.

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-Well, would you be saying this to me if I was a woman?

-Mum or dad.

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It makes no difference to me.

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Look, what is important is that the baby's looked after and loved.

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So you think there's nothing wrong with him? Like the doctor?

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I mean, I think something's not right. But what do I know, eh?

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The baby's doing great. There really is nothing to worry about.

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Yeah, thanks.

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Tommy, you've got my card.

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Just call me, yeah? If you need any help at all.

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It's what I'm there for.

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Jimmi.

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I've had a look at the calendar, and there is a plan B.

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Valentine's Day.

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It's a Tuesday.

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But I can deal with that.

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We'll have to pull our fingers out, but we can do it.

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So?

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Sometimes, you make me so proud of you.

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Are you taking the...?

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No, seriously.

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Yes, Valentine's Day.

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Whatever we need to do to make it happen.

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-Aren't they sweet?

-Erm, yes, yes.

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-I need to talk to you.

-Right.

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BABY CRIES All right, Shaunie, come on.

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Shhh. Shhh.

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Awww, come on. Come on, shhh.

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# Rock a bye baby

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# On the tree top... #

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Come on.

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# When the wind blows the cradle... #

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Why don't we go outside, eh? Yeah?

0:20:520:20:55

Come on.

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Come on.

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See, there you go!

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Eh? That's it.

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Shhh.

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Come on, Shaunie, for Daddy, eh?

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Stop crying.

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That's it.

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Shhh, Shaunie, come on. Please?

0:21:170:21:20

Shhh.

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Please stop crying!

0:21:240:21:25

Please stop crying!

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Stop crying!

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There's something about it that concerns me.

0:21:350:21:38

I can't quite put my finger on it. The baby is absolutely fine.

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-Prevention is better than cure.

-Preventing what?

0:21:420:21:44

Postnatal depression.

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Men don't get postnatal depression.

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Heston, I'm shocked.

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I never thought you'd be so blinkered.

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Oh, come on.

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The hormonal issues are specific to women,

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but isolation, exhaustion...the man's had a total lifestyle change.

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I want you to come with me and talk to him.

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-Heston, I can't make the diagnosis on my own.

-I'm very busy.

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I've got a patient coming.

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No, you haven't. I checked.

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Cherry wants us all around later.

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Does my judgement mean nothing to you?

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Let's hope he's still in.

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-Forget he's a bloke. Think "mum". He's a mum.

-Well, he's...

0:22:250:22:29

Yes?

0:22:290:22:30

I know you think that we're not listening to you.

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But, believe me, we are.

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And we'll continue to. But you have to listen to us, as well.

0:22:350:22:38

-Marina.

-Nothing prepares you for the shock of having a baby.

-No, er...

0:22:380:22:43

There's no shame in finding the whole thing completely overwhelming.

0:22:430:22:46

-Really?

-Marina, I think maybe...

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-You have to listen to Doctor Carter.

-Yes, yes...

0:22:490:22:52

He's here to help with you and the baby, and sometimes

0:22:520:22:55

I think it's fair to say, it takes a village to raise a child.

0:22:550:22:58

What?!

0:22:580:22:59

Marina, can you just shut up for a minute?

0:22:590:23:01

And can you look after the baby for half an hour?

0:23:010:23:03

Yes, of course. Where's the baby?

0:23:060:23:08

Sleeping in the bedroom upstairs.

0:23:100:23:12

Tommy, get your coat.

0:23:120:23:15

BABY GURGLES

0:23:290:23:32

-There we go.

-Cheers.

0:23:320:23:37

It's been too long.

0:23:430:23:44

You know, this place is my local and I've never even been.

0:23:460:23:49

-So, how are you coping?

-I could be doing better, I suppose.

0:23:490:23:53

Right.

0:23:530:23:54

I mean, Louisa knew people in her new office.

0:23:560:23:58

I don't know anyone.

0:23:580:24:01

I've gone from being a fireman,

0:24:010:24:03

you know, good mates to...

0:24:030:24:05

It's just me and Shaun all the time.

0:24:050:24:07

I swear if I have to sing another kids' song, I...

0:24:070:24:10

There's moments...

0:24:150:24:16

I think things.

0:24:180:24:20

Stuff appears in my head.

0:24:200:24:21

Dark stuff, you know?

0:24:210:24:23

I don't do anything about it.

0:24:240:24:28

Marina thinks you might be depressed.

0:24:280:24:30

Now, this can be dealt with.

0:24:300:24:32

You're not going to bite my head off?

0:24:340:24:36

No.

0:24:380:24:39

You just bought me a pint.

0:24:390:24:42

She's not bad, really.

0:24:420:24:44

She never shuts up.

0:24:440:24:46

Every silver lining has a cloud.

0:24:460:24:48

Look, can I come into the surgery and sort this out?

0:24:510:24:53

Yes, yes.

0:24:530:24:55

I've taken up enough of your pub time talking shop.

0:24:550:24:59

So, do you follow the football?

0:25:010:25:03

No.

0:25:050:25:06

-Cricket.

-Yeah, I like cricket.

0:25:060:25:10

So, what do you reckon about England?

0:25:100:25:11

Well, now we could be here all day!

0:25:110:25:15

Is Nurse Malone coming to make her announcement?

0:25:150:25:18

Everyone, Nurse Malone has something she wishes to tell us.

0:25:210:25:25

Erm...

0:25:270:25:28

You know what, it's really not that important.

0:25:300:25:32

OK, well, since you're nearly all here,

0:25:340:25:36

Zara and I would like to take you all out for a drink this evening

0:25:360:25:39

to celebrate our good news.

0:25:390:25:41

You two coming?

0:25:430:25:44

-Erm...not sure...

-Of course we are.

-Yeah.

0:25:440:25:47

Actually, I've got something for you.

0:25:470:25:51

It's just a little something.

0:25:510:25:53

Don't want you to go forgetting.

0:25:530:25:56

Thanks.

0:26:020:26:03

I'll make it up to you.

0:26:150:26:16

-I think I've made a terrible mistake.

-It wasn't a mistake.

0:26:210:26:24

It was so rude.

0:26:240:26:25

No, the other day, I made a mistake.

0:26:250:26:29

What?

0:26:290:26:30

When you were asking me out on a...

0:26:300:26:33

-On a date?

-Yes.

0:26:330:26:34

What?

0:26:360:26:37

I made a mistake.

0:26:370:26:38

And...?

0:26:400:26:41

Dinner, tonight?

0:26:430:26:44

No.

0:26:440:26:46

OK.

0:26:460:26:47

Tomorrow night.

0:26:470:26:49

All those fireworks going off...

0:26:490:26:53

I might need a big strong man

0:26:530:26:57

to keep me safe.

0:26:570:26:59

I bet the old dear has just gone on her holidays.

0:27:050:27:08

Or she's dead.

0:27:090:27:11

I wear cotton. This isn't. What is it?

0:27:110:27:14

This, Heston, is cool.

0:27:140:27:17

Rob Hollins reckon I'm not cut out for the police.

0:27:170:27:20

I should jack it all in.

0:27:200:27:21

Karen. Is there a problem with my blood test?

0:27:210:27:24

No, the only problem is with your husband. Where is he?

0:27:240:27:27

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

0:27:420:27:45

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:450:27:48

Heston and Marina work together to help a stressed stay-at-home dad who has been driven to desperate measures. Meanwhile Cherry wants to make an announcement, but Zara is about to steal her thunder.


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